Archive of Our Own

From Kurogiri

It’s my bar, my rules. Please be respectful of the establishment I’m letting you reside in. Because of this, I’ve made a list to hopefully aid you, based on past experiences I’ve endured with you individually, or been informed of through gossip.

I pray to God this is thorough enough. If not, then so help me, I give up.

1. Toga - inviting members of Class 1A over for “sleepovers” is not allowed
2. If any of you DO decide to have a “sleepover”, do not use actual weapons in pillow fights. Between the knives, the fire, feathers (pillow), feathers (sentient), clones, disintegration and guns, it’s just not what our budget can handle
3. Twice - no more playing chess against yourself. You’re too competitive, and the constant cheating accusations are already bad enough when Toga and Dabi play cards.
4. Spinner - stop attempting to convince the league members that you are actually a dragon. Moreover, dont try to “prove it” by lighting things on fire and saying you did it with your firebreath. Nobody believes you, and we have enough things being set on fire already around here.
5. Toga - I think it’s honourable that you wish for new league members to “prove” their loyalty to the cause. However, having these “tests” be simply ploys for you to set your colleagues up on dates is not.
6. Dabi - stop throwing birdseed at Hawks when he visits.
7. Toga - stop yelling “food fight!” and throwing yogurt at people when Dabi does this.
8. Shigaraki - I’m limiting you to 3 death threats a day. Use them wisely.
9. If you are aware of a member’s car sickness, do NOT attempt to engage in wild car chases for fun while they’re a passenger.
10. The solution to this is in fact “not engaging in car chases”, NOT “trying to shove your sick friend out of the car window and onto the road mid-car chase so they don’t ruin the seats”.
11. After learning more details about the former incident, I’d like to add: Never, ever, under ANY circumstances, let Toga drive.
12. Spinner - stop trying to start a cult
13. Toga - stop trying to form a gang
14. Shigaraki - stop trying to form a secret RIVAL gang sworn to enemy-ship with Toga’s “gang”.
15. No dividing up the League into 12 “districts” and attempting to recreate the Hunger Games on the USJ training grounds. Most of you don’t even know 12 individual people, much less enough to form your own civilization.
16. Acceptable things to dye hair with: Hair dye
17. UNacceptable things to dye hair with: your own blood, venom, alcohol, sharpies, someone else’s blood, fire, acid, gatorade, tea, coffee, carrot juice, your father’s tears, the ashes of your birth certificate, “The Sauce”, or anything Twice saw on Tiktok.
18. Dabi - please go to Hawks’ apartment if you wish to engage in your preferred “extracurricular activities”. The walls here are much too thin.
19. I understand it’s easy to get bored here. However, this doesnt mean turning to violence or destruction to cope with the boredom.
20. This means no playing the “Can We Microwave (Thing)?” game. Nine times out of ten, things wont survive your attempts to microwave them.
21. Toga - if you wish to keep running a Tumblr blog with gossip about the other League members, please at least obscure names/locations/plans enough that no one would figure out who we were. While I don’t suspect the police, remember: Midoriya Izuku.
22. Dabi - we understand Toga made the mistake of telling you that your younger brother is dating All Might’s son. This does not mean, however, you may try and stalk the school in an attempt to see if you deem Midoriya-san “fit” to date Shoto. You are a wanted criminal.
23. Toga - stop offering to infiltrate the school posing as one of the students to do it for him. He needs to learn to leave well enough alone.
24. Spinner - we understand that as a lizard, you prefer heated environments. However, 80 degrees is not a reasonable thermostat setting for any time of year, much less in June.
25. Dabi - same for when you overheat. If you can see your breath, it’s too cold.
26. Hawks - while I appreciate your kind spirit and offers to fan Dabi with your wings to help him keep cool, your feathers are quite powerful. Last week a chair was knocked over from the current, and we cant keep any papers around out of fear.
27. Unless you are A.) Dabi. or B.) have explicit permission from him, do not touch Hawks’ wings. This is ESPECIALLY true while he’s sleeping. Twice still has scratches on his face.
28. Compress - turning people into marbles and then leaving is not an effective or acceptable way to break up arguments.
29. If Hawks tries to grab your shiny jewelry or costume pieces out of instinct, that’s your fault.
30. Toga - you are NOT a vampire. We have SEEN you eat garlic before.
31. Twice - NEVER cook again.
32. Sundays are screen free - no phones, laptops, or TV. Go outside and enjoy the fresh air. Pet a dog. Enjoy life.
33. Please refrain from taking teenage hostages on Thursdays, as I have yoga
34. Compress - Marbleizing Toga is not a substitute for Tylenol when you have a headache
35. Spinner When shedding your skin, make sure to properly throw away the pieces so that reptile extermination is not called again. I had to file a lot of paperwork that day.
36. Toga - stop prank-calling Aizawa while shifted into one of his students. That man has enough on his plate as it is.
37. No more making Tiktoks. For any of you.
38. While we know that some of you are very… committed to the cause of taking out abusive parents, destroying the entire Hero Public Safety Commission is not a reasonable goal. Maybe target just one member?
39. No matter what tone or way you say it, “sunshine”, “baby”, “sweetiefeathers”, prettyboy”, or “honeybird” are not convincing insults. Either own up to your crush, or come up with some actual retorts.
40. Spinner - if you happen to detach your tail during a fight, do not bring the tail back to the base with us to use as a “Shut Up Stick”. Nobody enjoys being whacked in the face with your disembodied spine.
41. Dabi - if a staple comes loose, please quickly tell one of the others, so we can find the medical staple gun and help you replace it. Do NOT yell “look at this, guys!” before peeling back your skin to reveal your exposed organs or bones underneath.
42. Shigaraki - if Dabi pops a staple, use the medical staple gun. Do NOT grab your office stapler and announce that “this should do”.
43. Please stop attempting to illegally purchase an actual red-tailed hawk, to introduce it to Hawks and “see what will happen”. I have no idea what you’re expecting, but we don’t need an actual hawk flying around the base.
44. Stop weaponising red-tailed hawk facts against Hawks - Dabi didn’t move from the couch for three hours after you informed him that they mate for life.
45. Hawks - We understand that hawk mating season runs from March-May. We are happy to observe this period, and give you and your mate all the time you need. This said, we also are happy to observe hawk migration season, where you’ll be leaving the country to a warmer climate from September to January. We’re sure you’ll be happy for this, as you experience both of these, and are not merely using one as an excuse to prioritize sex over work.
46. Toga - stop belting the lyrics to “Backstabber” by Ke$ha while running around the base and stabbing your friends in the back.
47. No, you may not simply pick another artist with a song also called Backstabber and do the same thing with that.
48. Everyone - please stop referring to me as “Momma Giri”, “Mom”, “Dad” or “Daddy/Mommy Kuro”. I am not a parent.
49. Shigaraki - if you have to make a decision between purchasing food for the next week, and buying a new video game, choose the food.
50. Spinner - we aren’t going to make you a lizard-themed “Bat Signal”.
51. Stop informing Dabi that he’ll be arrested for wearing the feather Hawks gifted him as an earring. This is because: 1.) Possession of a hawk feather is only illegal in the United States; 2.) Hawks is not considered an actual red-tailed hawk; and 3.) If Dabi is arrested, it will be for being a serial arsonist and murderer.
52. Toga - if you use blood as a cooking ingredient, please INFORM people of this BEFORE offering to share your food.
53. Hawks and Toga - Your 3 am sessions of sitting on the floor of the kitchen and eating raw meat with your hands while gossiping is not  “Hot Girl Shit”. It IS staining the floors. Please find a table or bring a plate, at the very least.
54. Hawks - while we fully support your recovery from the Commission’s discouragement of your avian characteristics, please limit screeching to after the hour of 6 am.
55. Twice - I’ve found your plans for making a real-life Storm Trooper army, and building your own death star. No.
56. Spinner - stop attempting to psycho-analyse people. You have enough problems that I’m sure you could focus on instead.
57. Twice - stop trying to psycho-analyse yourself. Your two different interpretations of your own problem are causing a space-time paradox that this world is not ready for.
58. Dabi - stop attempting to start a Youtube channel investigating your own death. From what I’ve witnessed on Twitter, Shoto actually believes his brother was abducted by aliens.
59. Spinner - stop trying to convince people that you are living proof of the lizard people living in the sewers, and that your real identity is an exiled prince from their dystopian and  corrupt monarchy.
60. Toga - stop trying to make Spinner a crown in order to help him with this conspiracy
61. Hawks - please stop believing everything the others tell you. While I understand you had a sheltered childhood, it should not take seven charts, three people and two hours to convince you and Shigaraki that the earth is round.
62. Dabi - stop attempting to convince people that you are a rare fungi, and not a human at all. I don’t even know how that logic works, but it needs to stop.
63. Toga - stop telling people that you’re Stain’s secret love child.
64. Hawks - stop yelling “Hi Dad!” every time you pass a bird while outside.
65. Shigaraki - stop trying to disintegrate Compress’ mask in order to do a “face reveal”.
66. Toga - making caramel corn for movie night is fine. Making popcorn, covering it in dried blood, and then telling the other members that it’s caramel corn when it’s dark and they can’t see what they’re eating is not.
67. While I know you’ve discovered that Dabi’s staples are somewhat magnetic, stop trying to see what you can stick to his face while he’s asleep without him noticing. He doesnt sleep enough as it is, and he doesn’t need to be woken up to your meddling.
68. Do not purchase any more nerf guns. You do enough destruction with access to regular guns as it is.
69. Hawks - stop trying to convince the other League members that any of the eggs in the fridge are yours that you laid. It only takes a quick google search to know what hawk eggs look like, and I’m fairly certain you don’t lay those either.
70. Shigaraki - stop raiding Minecraft servers with the help of the other league members, while using custom skins that look like your villain costumes. Just because All For One doesn’t understand what a “TNT cannon” ACTUALLY is, doesn’t mean it’s at all polite to make him believe you launched one on a civilian house. Stop being lazy and plan actual attacks.
71. To prove my point: someone livestreamed the raid you did last week, where you held half the server hostage and forced them to attend the “wedding” of Dabi and Hawks’ avatars. While thankfully Hawks was smart enough to not use his actual skin, people have been speculating for weeks who the “unlucky guy” was.
72. Dabi - death is not a “social construct”.
73. Twice - stop creating doubles to use as a “Greek Chorus”.
74. Shigaraki - stop holding “Powerpoint Night” as a way to spread your delusional conspiracies, or gloat over your fellow League members
75. While I wouldn’t normally have a problem with Powerpoint Night as a concept, as educating one another about topics that interest you sounds like a great idea, you unfortunately don’t seem to have a grasp of appropriate topics. That said, the following Powerpoint topics are banned: aliens, Mothman, anything regarding Elvis Presley, your friends’ sex lives, your own good looks, why you are better than everybody, why you should be allowed to do That Thing, why birds aren’t real (seriously?), any sort of attempt to promote the use of recreational drugs, the potential dick sizes of the top ten pro heroes, or a two hour long presentation on how each “Friends” character represents a core personality disorder in a twisted reflection of the damaged society we live in.
76. While I understand we live in a bar, this is not an excuse to turn all your conversations into a drinking game. However, if you must, then find a better topic than “Times Dabi Mentions Endeavor’s Bad Parenting”. Your liver will thank you.
77. The quirk-related puns have got to stop. Surely you can find more creative jokes than “he’s lost his marbles!”
78. Everyone, but Dabi and Hawks specifically - if your joke makes everyone go silent, or start crying, then you can assume that it was a traumatic experience, NOT an amusing story.
79. If you are visibly bleeding, have a bone exposed, cannot hear or see six feet in front of you, have one of your limbs disintegrated or dislocated, have a body temperature outside the normal 98 degrees (excluding Spinner), need to lean on a wall to stand, or are pressing your hand to your mouth to keep from vomiting, you are not allowed to say you’re “fine”, or should be allowed to go on the next mission.
80. Toga - do not try and impersonate Hawks in an attempt to mess around with Dabi. He wont believe it, and you’ll have hell to pay.
81. Twice - yes, Dabi did tell the press that his feather earring was a “trophy” from his battle with Hawks. However, this does not make Hawks a “trophy wife”, and you should not get him a shirt saying so.
82. Hawks - stop attempting to get Twice to buy you a “trophy wife” shirt
83. Spinner - stop referring to any argument that Dabi makes as a “hot take”.
84. Compress - stop telling people unaware of your quirk that your marbles are actually candy, then accusing them of cannibalism when they try to eat them.
85. Toga - no more attempting to cover up the fact that you fell for this the first time by bringing home human body parts and eating them in an attempt to convince people you actually are a cannibal, and that’s why you did it.
86. Compress - if you’re going to run a betting pool, do only one or two at a time. Don’t try to run fifty simultaneous betting pools and attempting to rig them all to pay out to you.
87. Twice - stop referring to your “discord kitten” and refusing to elaborate when people ask questions.
88. While I know the novelty of a hero dating a villain, or the novelty of Dabi having emotions still hasnt worn off, please don’t upload pictures or videos of him and Hawks cuddling in their sleep to the internet. It’s their private business, and much of our current strategy heavily relies on the Commission’s lack of knowledge about Hawks’ true alliance.
89. The League’s official motto is not “be gay, do crime”.
90. Stop calling Shigaraki “hand daddy”, no matter how funny his reaction is.
91. Shigaraki - stop asking new League members to high five you ask a welcome present.
92. Unless it’s really necessary, stop using my warp gates to pull pranks, sneak into concerts, or avoid walking somewhere.
93. Spinner - stop setting up official League twitter accounts and trying to engage with the Wendy’s and McDonald’s accounts in an “epic roast-off”. Your insults aren’t even that impressive.
94. Twice and Toga - stop making up long and complicated secret handshakes, simply to annoy Shigaraki due to his inability to participate in them.
95. Shigaraki is no longer allowed to sing during karaoke nights. This is due to the “Rap God” incident, yes.
96. Stop making fake dating profiles and trolling people on Tindr because you’re bored. Spinner, your five Tindr girlfriends who believe you are a top earning CEO in Taiwan are not somehow a “win” against your co-worker’s actual boyfriend.
97. Please take down the dating profile you’ve made for me. While I appreciate the thought, I’m not interested, nor do I run a “furby black market investor gang” as the profile you made implies.
98. No more “sad dog” moves on movie night, unless you are ready to deal with Toga and Twice’s emotions.
99. Twice - stop trying to convince people your second personality is actually a manifestation of your twin brother who you ate in the womb.
100. Please. Please don’t break these.

——

Dabi clicked his tongue, shaking his head. Spinner hummed. “How long do you think it’ll take to break all 100?”

Toga jumped up excitedly, nearly stabbing Twice in the arm. “Ooh! Ooh! I bet we can do it in a week!”

“Sounds good!” Twice said, cheerfully. “That’ll never work!”

“Idiots,” Shigaraki drawled, snarling smugly. “I could do it in a day.”

“How about forty eight hours?” Spinner suggested, looking through the list again.

“Deal,” Hawks said, giving his brightest hero smile, as if he hadn’t just agreed to aiding in several potential murders.

It took them eighteen hours, in the end.

After the rule breaking bender finally finished, Kurogiri returned to the upturned bar, and stared. After a few moments, he shook his head, and walked slowly to the cabinet.

He was going to get very drunk for the first time in his life.