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“Hmm mhmm mmnnmh nnm”
“You know I can't understand you, yes?”
Grian muttered something unintelligible against the pillow he was in the process of trying to bury himself in. The bed was comfy at least. Laying on his stomach his wings spread out enough to touch the floor on either side of the bed, Grian attempted to hide himself further. It seemed perfectly logical that he could hide away from the stupid guilt that kept nagging at his brain.
“You can’t sleep here.” The creeper goat whatever hybrid spoke above him. Grian could hear the tap tap tap of one of those spindly creeper legs tapping against the deep slate flooring. Doc wasn’t difficult to annoy, but Grian still took great pride in it.
“Doc, I'm having a mid-life crisis.” Grian spoke, tiling his head just enough to speak clearly. And enough to see the man standing beside him. Metallic and real arm crossed over his chest. His glowing red eye casting a rather creepy shadow over the rest of his face.
Doc sighed, “I am not that kind of doctor. Go talk to stress. Or one of your buttercups maybe?”
“How do you do it?”
“Do what Grian?”
“Not care about people and not feel terrible about it?”
Grian caught the way Docs eyebrows knit together, an apparent look of confusion crossing over his face.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Doc said, although it didn’t seem like he was being entirely truthful.
Grian let out an exasperated sigh, “you don’t care about people and everyone knows it and you don’t seem to mind that fact all that much. We could all disappear tomorrow and you’d be content in your stupid perimeter.”
“I would be sad,” Doc corrected. “What is this about Grian?”
“Mumbo missed me so bad he built a summoning shrine after a week. And I couldn't bring myself to miss him at all when he was gone. He’s talking about another trip and I just don’t care. I want to care. I want to be as invested in my friends as they are with me but I’m not. And I feel guilty. Or I think I should feel guilty. But I’m not really because if I was guilty that would mean I actually give a damn about them.” Grian took a deep breath after his short ramble before hiding his face in Doc’s pillows again. “What’s wrong with me?”
“You missed mumbo, I remember,”
“Kinda. But once I heard he was coming back I put on this whole show to pretend like I had been missing him the whole time, but I didn’t.”
Doc hummed, “you care enough to put on the show then?”
Doc was not very good at this ‘fixing Grian’s issues’ thing.
“It’s not the same.” Grian all but whispered, “even scar. If he left or stopped talking to me I’d be fine. Pearl too.”
Doc stayed silent, either simply listening or not knowing what to say, Grian didn’t know, so he continued.
“I can’t find the energy to reply to messages. I don’t plan stuff anymore. I just kinda want to be left alone, but when I’m left alone I want to talk to someone, I want to find the person I care about and talk to them but that person doesn’t exist.” Grian was genuinely getting frustrated with himself, his thoughts weren’t making sense, Doc had to be extremely confused. “I miss when I felt close to people.”
“I don’t know if I’m the best person to help you,” Doc said, rather blunt about it.
“I know. I just know you’re the only person on this server who wouldn’t hate me if I told you I didn’t care about you.”
“You care enough to worry about me hating you,” Doc shrugged, “good enough for me.”
“How do you not care so easily?”
“It comes with the trauma I think,” Doc said. Grian couldn’t tell if he was joking. “I don’t have the energy to put into other people and myself. So I put it into myself and give what I have left, which isn’t a lot.”
“I used to have a lot to give.”
“And maybe you have too much. Cared too much. Loved people who only took from you. Now you give it to yourself only.” Correction, Doc was somewhat okay at this ‘fixing Grian’s issues’ thing, “That’s my theory.”
“Sorry for dumping this on you.”
Doc almost laughed, “I can set my boundaries well enough. If you were not welcome here you would know.”
Grian sighed, getting comfortable in the mountain of pillows on Docs bed again.
Grian remembered a time when he had that much to give others. When he would seek out those he loved because he just wanted to hear about them, about their days, about their builds, their troubles. He remembered wanting all of it, to shoulder any burdens his friends might carry. To give love and comfort when they needed it most. He remembered a time when he was kind.
He felt bitter now. He felt mean now. Maybe he was bitter and mean. Maybe he had no love left to give. Grian had nothing left to give himself. There were times he couldn’t get out of bed, when all he could do was lay there and wither away. He was starving for love but he couldn’t take it in good conscience not when he couldn’t give it back.
But he was doing better. After four seasons on hermitcraft he was finally doing better, people had told him that. After Evo and everything that happened in highschool he was finally ok. X had just been telling him how happy they were to see Grian improve. The mood couldn’t drop again. Everyone was tired of hearing it. Grian was tired of feeling it.
There was one person he felt like he could care about, but after this long he doubted the plausibility of even seeing him again.
It had been years. He needed to let him go.
Grian missed the joy he had in season 7, when things were better. In season 8 when he didn’t have time to think about the past. Even season 6 when he started making new friends and felt like he was finally going to move on. There wasn’t a good reason why the memories were back. Why everything was falling apart again.
Things just sucked and that was how it was going to be.
“I think you should talk to Xisuma,” Doc spoke, forcibly derailing Grian’s spiral.
“He can’t know.”
“Who can?” Doc seemed almost concerned, Grian tried to convince himself that he was.
The people closest to him, the ones he should be able to talk to were the people that were the problem. They would be hurt knowing the shit he kept to himself. Anyone else he wasn’t close enough to talk to about the heavy stuff.
There was a feeling of resignation that came with that knowledge. This was just something he was going to have to do alone.
“Just me.”