Work Text:
Rotten in the inside
These feelings come out of the blue. At first you don't pay attention to them, you don't notice them at all. Especially if your life is rich and colourful, like Michelangelo's, you simply don't have time to think about anything, living in the present. You breathe, you jump, you fight, you just don't think, you act. That was Mikey's motto, in a way. To live life to the max, not looking back, going forward, laughing in the face of enemies and smiling at family and friends.
For a long time, that's the way it was. Everything worked that way, but at one point, something clicked, destroying everything and giving freedom to different thoughts. Most are not very pleasant.
What if, in one moment, everything went wrong? Big brother, the fearless leader, loses control over a situation?
What if one night out, something happens to Raph and he doesn't come back? And what if Donnie doesn't get there in time to help someone or himself, dooming someone to a terrible outcome.
And that invisible something starts to hurt. It's aching inside, bleeding profusely from a deep wound. A heart wound, perhaps?
But Mikey laughs, brushes it off like it's nothing. What's the use of wondering about the future, imagining only a horrible and terrible life? And it helps with the pain, keeps the bleeding down, even if only for a little while.
He can see the good in everything, even when the whole situation seems hopeless, like during Leo's coma, Sensei's disappearance, or when they were forced to leave their own home. But sometimes such things stop working, and Mikey doesn't understand why. Why does it feel like there's a heavy weight on his soul? Where is the beginning of the incessant stream of negative thoughts? And why has suddenly everything become so pointless and unnecessary?
And Michelangelo, there was no answer. Not at all.
But he's not stupid, far from it. It's odd when, while playing a game, any desire to continue disappears. Reading comic books brings pleasure at first, and then only an aftertaste of sadness and the same strange regret.
And over time, this train begins to literally haunt you every second, and at least for a little while, forgetting is helped by the adventures that happen to all of them. Smiles grow to their ears when their family gets together, even if it's just to play some old board game.
It helps get rid of those obsessions.
It gets worse when Mikey's all alone. Everything hurts and burns and itches, and when he turns on his favourite music player, tears come to his eyes.
And it's even worse when everything's fine. No threats, no dangers, nothing to worry about.
And he read, saw his symptoms, guessed where the roots of this already considerable problem were growing. A feeling of being unwanted, a sense of uselessness and extra weight that was by no means normal. Always being tired, sad thoughts, bitter and unreasonable tears.
At some point, meditation becomes the only consolation for a mutant in such a suspended state. Perhaps thinking about the father they lost. After all, thinking about the meaning of life in spontaneous moments destroys Mikey's positive mood. He shouldn't have to think about such things, to look for meaning in things where he doesn't need to, but he can't help himself.
Perhaps talking to someone will help to fix the situation Michelangelo finds himself in. His brothers are understanding, the most loving, he is sure each of them will try to help. So it was once, he wanted to open up to them, to share his pain, to get this stone off his shoulders. Get rid of the pain. Just. 𝘎𝘦𝘵 𝘳𝘪𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.
But his mouth shut tight, snapping, not allowing him to approach the older brothers sitting on the couch.
What would he tell them? Depression? Ha, they won't take it seriously.
They'll tell him to look it up in the vocabulary, check the meaning of the word. That's a lie, but it's almost true. They don't believe Mikey's stories, and if they try, it's with so much scepticism that the ache inside starts to get worse. Michelangelo cries out for help, but can't say a word about depression. It's complicated. It's scary.
Not only will it make him uncomfortable, but it will hurt their family, and Mikey can't do that to them. So he laughs and makes noise and squeaks again, running at all speeds to hug his brothers. It makes it easier, but only for a short time, until he's alone again.
So what if his jokes aren't as funny as they used to be? His friends smile wryly, his family shakes their heads, talking about his immaturity, and his mind and heart are forgotten for a moment.
He yells and makes noise, but no one hears him that way.
It may be stupid to keep it all to himself, but Mikey can't do it any other way.
Let his heart ache and bleed, let his head be a mess, let his life be a mess....
Just let it go, as long as it doesn't go too far. He doesn't care if no one can see his upset state, not even Master Splinter in the past. What's the point of something that doesn't even exist? That's right, nothing. It's not there, but the pain is there. It's not there, but it makes you sleepy. It's gone, but that just 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦.
Maybe it's low self esteem that's made itself known after a long time. Or maybe it's something else? The only thing he knows for sure is that never, just never in his life, will his hand reach for a blade for something so disgusting that people from many forums on the webs have done. They may say it helps, but how crazy do you have to be to sign up for something like that? To depend on another pain? These people are definitely nuts if they've gotten to this type of thing already. As long as he's just thinking about it, he's still managing the situation somehow, even if it's also partly a lie. Besides, how can they hide the cuts when they fight quite often and have Dr. Don standing over their souls, who would definitely notice it?
He knows it's wrong to keep it all hidden, to rot from the inside, but Mikey sees no better way than just accepting his situation, fighting these ideas coming out of nowhere all the time. Especially on days like these, when the whole company is together, when their loyal friends, April and Casey, dropped by for an evening marathon to discuss the movie about Japan, to ponder everything going on in it. As well as reasoning, commenting on the samurai, and listening, immersing themselves in their thoughts and comparing themselves to the main character.
There's nothing anyone can't get used to, and so here, Michelangelo is used to something aching inside. His gaze blurs on the screen, but no more. There are no tears, no cries for help. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱.
There was a taboo in their family against talking about anything too bad, such as despair, death, hatred, suicide, harakiri, and so on.
They had grown up in dark New York, along with their father's Japanese discipline, so it would be weird if such things were discussed often without good reason.
Leo personally despised the ancient Japanese warriors' methods, in a bad way. Raph and Donnie were of the same opinion, and Mikey only chuckled quietly, being the source for pocket jokes at times.
The realisation that this pain, these thoughts, could fade away was felt in full, so he was pretty 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦 of what was happening on the screen.
Yes, it was stupid, taking his own life in such a way, but if Mikey had been alone, his hand might have trembled taking the knife. Michelangelo doesn't deny anymore that this condition affects him a lot, but the meaning of life was not lost yet, though the movie had already come to an end.
"Mikey, can you help me get some more snacks?” he blinks as April's gentle voice comes from the kitchen.
"Sure!" a smile instinctually appears on his face.
For a moment, that pain leaves his rib cage as if on some signal. He's having fun now, wanting to jump and dance again. This quick change of mood is a confusing thing, but he has gotten used to it, too.
He stands up, quickly stretching his legs and ignoring the indignant argument between the guys over how lame and odd the movie was, and makes his way to the kitchen. None of them seemed to care for a movie about a samurai with seppuku at the end.
There was a brief but cosy silence between O'neil and Mikey as the teens went about their business, until April spoke up:
"...Y'know, my dad's a psychologist," the girl said quietly, taking a few sodas out of the fridge, "you can always talk to me, like to an older sister, Mikey."
There was silence at those words, that sweet support that could really warm someone's soul. And yet, such silence was uncharacteristic of Michelangelo.
"Mikey, are you okay-?" came a sharp, brittle ringing. Before she could finish speaking, something fell to the floor and broke behind her.
Mikey didn't realise when he lost control and when his hands released the bowl of popcorn. It seemed from a second glance, that he had been startled or overwhelmed by his thoughts. The bowl just seemed so heavy, like something that had been aching inside for so long and suddenly just fell from his shoulders.
His hands began to shake and his wide eyes glazed over, looking at the red girl like a deer in the headlights.
He tried to pull on a smile that was a pathetic parody, fragile.
𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦.
What was happening was becoming too overwhelming, so much so that he didn't even feel the slight pain of the scratches on the floor until the person beside him, with a worried look, continued:
"...Come with me," her voice sounds lower, not as confident as usual, but it's as gentle and soothing as it always is. She carefully steps over the glass on the concrete, taking Mikey's trembling hand in hers.
Yes, this stressful condition may have turned into a real depression, and he has only himself to blame for it, but Mikey has tried his best, fighting this alone, but he seems to have lost that battle.
The sensation was nothing like cuts, abrasions, or fractures, only emptiness. A huge black hole in his rib cage, eating everything inside like a disease. Mikey had time to rot, where someone like him shouldn't have.
With a trembling hand, Mikey shamefully tries to cover his eyes, full of tears.
Inside him, a hurricane of emotion, like a soda falling on the kitchen floor, ready to hiss and fly in different directions, spraying everything around it as soon as it's opened.
"Mikey, it's okay, it's going to be okay..." and he genuinely wants to believe those gentle words, but the emotion in him is already muffled, all in the noise of his own thoughts.
April falls silent, realising that the turtle is letting everything pass his ears.
He doesn't understand her, he can't hear her like she couldn't hear him before.
Turning the corner, she opens the bathroom door in a hurry, having first turned on the dim light inside. Leading him in, she snaps the lock shut.
Her heart bleeds when the quiet shaking breathing from Mikey, whose voice is settled and weak from a probable panic attack, reaches her ears.
O'Neil can't stand this pain that her close friend is trying to suppress, as if even now, trying not to show what they didn't see behind the facade of the performance. It was almost as if she'd missed watching her brother, hadn't kept an eye out. He is her younger brother. Her arm tingles unpleasantly from the strong grip, but April endures, pressing her other hand on the turtle's shoulder, pulling him down.
The panic attack breaks Mikey down completely, and his body goes completely woozy. Abruptly, he starts to fall, but as if anticipating it, the kunoichi hugs his shaking back as best as she can. She collapses down with him, the tiles on the floor making a slap noise all over the bathroom, but neither of them care.
Mikey's face falls to April's collarbones as his voice grows stronger and her yellow sweatshirt begins to become wet with bitter tears that none of them have seen before. The ninja squeezes the girl's small body in response, squeezing out her soul.
But it's okay. She rests her head as comfortably on the turtle's neck as the situation allows and covers her eyes, listening to the voice of the mutant's broken heart.
She can hear it clearly now, broken from the battle he's never been able to win on his own. O'Neil mentally apologises for not being able to help earlier.
She was so used to not usually needing to save these guys, because they were perfectly able to fight for themselves, but how deeply mistaken she was in her reasoning.
She thought she was making too much of herself, for Michelangelo is a ball of happiness. He always smiles, pleases others and himself, overcomes difficulties, sometimes offended, but quickly forgives.
And then she had a question. What about everything else?
Mikey's breathing is getting heavy.
At least some part of the guy's sanity is trying to suppress a sob, but he can't.
He just can't make himself stop. Stop that chest pain, the crying, or at least those rambling thoughts in his head.
One of his fears is exposed. His lies are exposed, for Mikey lies to himself a lot.
A habitual lying routine in some places.
Lies to save himself, the type of lies that make Mikey want to laugh in irony for a moment. Except he's just now remembered that no lie leads to anything good, and it's not like he likes it when people lie. It was probably hypocritical of him.
He can almost feel his body bending down, but the fragile little human is hugging him so tightly that Mikey almost stays still in her embrace.
He wants the earth to swallow him from shame, it was so embarrassing to just cry in the presence of someone when he'd forgotten what it was like.
And the guilt over Mikey's condition presses harder on the girl. She opens her mouth occasionally, tries to squeeze out something, to support, but only warm air leaves it in the end.
April doesn't know where or how her words can help. She wasn't a qualified specialist like her father.
This isn't okay.
It's been going on too long and there are too many symptoms for simple stress or mild depression.
This is more serious than she realised.
Maybe ten minutes or half an hour had passed, Airpil wasn't quite sure, but finally his breathing was becoming more stable, so she gave the turtle more personal space.
Mikey just abruptly goes silent as if nothing had happened, while not moving, staring enchantedly through the objects.
Gently releasing her hands, April lifts her heavy shoulders, trying to get a good look at the ninja's face.
Avoiding her gaze, Mikey allows himself to lean his back against the tub wall. She's worried, and they both know it.
"We need to take care of your wounds anyway," she said quietly, rising to her feet, squeezing one eye shut uncomfortably against the pain in her stiff back.
The floor where Michelangelo had been sitting was stained with blood, as were her shorts. She walks slowly to the sink and looks in the mirror, noticing the blood on her damp sweatshirt, then pushes her reflection away, pulling out the first aid kit.
Michelangelo doesn't react to her, a lump sticking in April's throat and her eyes filling with tears. She doesn't recognize him, which scares her more than anything.
"April, Mikey, are you in there?" the girl almost drops the box, squinting startled at Donnie's muffled voice outside the door.
Trails of goosebumps run down her spine, and then her gaze falls on Mikey, who flinches. It wasn't the best reaction.
"Shit," O'Neil scorns in a whisper, hearing the doorknob twitch. She was choosing her words in case they tried to break the lock. "Yeah, Donnie, we're here, is something wrong?" she squeezes it out as cheerfully as she can.
"That's for us to ask," another voice comes in, she recognizes it as Leo, "I heard some noise in the kitchen, we come in, there's no one there but a broken bowl and soda on the floor, is everything okay?" April hears the uneven and concerned voice of the older of the brothers from here.
She frowns.
It's too late to catch on, but she exhales and takes a seat beside Mikey, opening the first aid kit. Mikey lifts his head slightly, watching her actions.
"Yeah, Mikey got hurt, I'm treating his wounds right now," after a small pause she replies, apologising again in her thoughts to Mikey, "he dropped the bowl and got upset."
April whispers yet another apology with a small smile, but he seems to get her hint.
They both hear Raph's indignation at his brother's stupid behaviour.
Michelangelo wrapped his arms around himself, and April caught the moment, her lips pressed together, hugging him again.
"Are you okay April, do you need help? Or Mikey?" She suppresses the urge to open the door and say whatever she's thinking at the moment. Why didn't you ask about Mikey’s state, Donnie?
She pulls away from the mutant.
"Can't I take care of that myself?" the girl throws her words carelessly, digging irritably into the first aid.
The guys at the door are silent, probably wondering what the problem is with O'Neil's bad mood; she heard Don's strained sigh through the door, but she doesn't care much about that now.
Then came receding footsteps. Thank the gods, they're leaving.
"Mikey, are you sure you're okay?" Leo asked hesitantly, but the younger man heard him.
But Mikey didn't want to answer him now, because his voice must have sounded disgusting after those sobs. His eyes still hurt and his nose was stuffy, he had to keep quiet.
"Leo, leave ‘em alone, they’ll come out soon," after standing for about five seconds, Leonardo gives up and leaves with Raph after all.
April was relieved and mumbled something and started tending to his wounds.
They had a silence, so uncharacteristic of them, but comforting.
Finished, she reached for a napkin, wiping the blood off the floor, and then reached up and started cleaning her shorts, leaving big wet marks.
"Are... are you... are you mad?" he asks in a hoarse voice, breaking the silence.
April bites her lip, trying to keep her back straight.
"Yes, I am, but not at you," she turns off the water, sitting down across from Mikey, taking his hands in hers, "at myself, because I didn't see what was going on with you. I'm sorry, I should have realised earlier, Mikey.”
Michelangelo raises his innocent and red from tears eyes to her, filled with pain and fear.
April feels her heart clench again, her hands beginning to shake slightly.
"Thank you, April," he whispers softly and massages the girl's palms.
Comforting herself with this small action, she catches herself thinking that Mikey is doing it again. Suppressing feelings within himself, for the sake of others. There are droplets dripping from the tap now, as O'Neil feels her eyes getting watery again.
"How long?"
"April, it's 'kay, it was just a small weakness. Y'know, all that mild combat stress, phew," he jokes softly in a hoarse voice that is so out of character for him, but he couldn't bring himself to smile at her.
It still hurt too much, and his head felt empty.
A head that was starting to buzz unpleasantly.
"Mikey, how long, please, I need to know," she pleads without breaking eye contact.
She needs to know or she won't be able to forgive herself.
She sees Mikey's eyes darken, filled with doubt and that fear of opening up to someone. As tears begin to drip from his tarnished aquamarine eyes again.
Yes, you can't push, that's what the psychology books say, but Mikey is almost like her family, she's part of their family. They're not strangers. And seeing Michelangelo like that is just wrong. She is trying in the best way she can.
"I dunno, 𝘨𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯," was the last thing he said, very heavily, after which April hugged him again, only this time more relaxed. She lingers a little longer to comfort the exhausted mutant.
Wiping her eyes, she doesn't care to wash her face before going out to the guys, but asks Mikey to wait for her here. To calm down and just wait.
A click and she quietly makes her way out of the bathroom, squinting her eyes because of the bright light from the bulbs in the hallway.
Hearing a small conversation, she turns and walks over to the couch.
"Guys, we need to talk," her voice sounds too hoarse, frustrated, and just really tired.
But she doesn't care anymore.
"April, what's wrong?" Donnie almost leaps over the back of the couch, gawking with wide eyes at the girl's ragged appearance.
He's knocked over by Casey, who is also mumbling something along those lines, trying to chew on her popcorn.
They both hiss at each other, rising in a hurry from the floor.
"Mikey's not with you?" Donnie seemed to take notice.
The other two brothers frown at each other, narrowing their eyes, waiting to see what April has to say.
"I need to have a serious talk with you as a psychologist's daughter," she swallowed, clenching her palms hard, "everyone knows what depression is, right?"
"Do you have depression?" stares Raph at her in surprise-seriously, folding his hands over his plastron.
Leo, standing nearby, hits his brother with his elbow, quietly tsking.
A flustered Casey bends over, picking up the fallen remote and wordlessly turns off the TV, catching an approving nod from Leonardo.
Donnie nervously wiggles his fingers, maintaining silence, probably going over a couple terms on the subject of depression.
"No, I don't. Someone we would never have thought of," she refutes quietly, turning her head toward the kitchen. "I think Mikey's probably got depression."
A small pause.
"No. No way. My brother doesn't have any depression. He's the noisiest and most annoying guy around," Raph speaks out first, "What’s with the ridiculous argument, O'Neil?
April opens her mouth, staring blankly at the turtle in the red mask. The other two didn't look convinced either, but more concerned.
It's negativity, pure and in some ways almost innocent, but then she remembers the moment when Raph hurts Mikey with the words.
God, how many times have they hit him like that, even if just for jokes.
Even she's no better than Raphael, because if you persist in telling someone that they can't do anything, there's nothing left for them to do but believe it if you don't present anything to counter it.
She starts rubbing the bottom of her sweater intensely again.
"Because I see the symptoms, Raph, and I'm just like you, I don't want to believe it," she persists, meeting her disappointed eyes with his emerald ones.
That look is worrying, but Raph clenches his fists, tensing.
His little brother isn't depressed.
He's smiling, doing everything he always does.
Mikey, always Mikey, a cheerful and warm light in their dark life.
Leo stands like a stooped man, staring incredulously at everyone present, especially the kunoichi.
"April, are you sure? That's... quite a serious statement," the leader still asks in doubt, though he realised that something was wrong. Even then, when he heard the noise from the kitchen, his internal spirituality meter started to go off the scale.
She nods low, feeling the tension building.
"Shitshitshit-" everyone's attention is on Casey, he's grabbing his hair, walking in circles, "I thought I was imagining it, I mean, we've been going over the topic of disorders and my dad's kind of suffering from it too- I really thought I was imagining it, but Mikey's been acting distant these days," he mutters, stopping abruptly, "he's eating a lot, his eyes are blank at moments, and I honestly heard some weird noises coming from his room once. Oh my god.... you've been taking care of his wounds because he's...?"
The unspoken question hung in the air, those present staring at the black haired boy in mild shock until they all probably finished the sentence in their minds.
"You wouldn't dare finish that sentence, Jones!" Donnie grabs Casey sharply by the collar, a threatening look on his face, "He is only my little brother, there's no way he'd try to do that to himself. He can always talk to us, to me!"
With a huge effort, Don lets go of the stunned guy as Leo pulls the one away, trying to calm down his brother while Casey raises his hands, dazed.
"I don't believe this bullshit."
Leo manages to stop Raph, a glance warning him that he better calm down, too.
"You're not going anywhere, Raph," Leo hisses, biting his lip, as if he was having his own doubts, but already the two teenagers were talking about it, which made him wonder, "what if it is, what if we didn't notice it...? I-I thought his behaviour was odd for a while, too."
"Shut up, Leo." He growled, dropping his hand from his shoulder, "Mikey's not depressed, he's happy! Why the hell would he be depressed? I'm going to find him and talk."
April thinks back to that scene in the bathroom again, where Mikey, who is clearly not feeling well, looks at her with his blank stare.
The same blank stare her father used to get from the patients who came to see him. She feels cold inside from the memories of those people she once saw.
"Yeah, he was definitely happy when I couldn't quiet his sobs in the bathroom while he was suffocating from a panic attack. The way he looked at me... Do you have any idea how I felt?" April literally spits out the poison along with those words, approaching Raphael, speaking more emotionally. Everyone stares at her confused, " Raph, I can see the same things. When people came to see dad, some were smiling so much, but when I accidentally overheard them talking, these same people were so empty," she stuttered as she felt like crying again, "Some did bad things to themselves, some didn't want to live... Do you have any idea how bad I felt when I saw it in Mikey's eyes?"
Everyone falls silent as April rubs her eyes, breaking the silence in the room with a sniff.
"I just should have noticed before," she whispered, "things got out of hand after Master Splinter was gone..."
The mention of the former lair owner, made everyone feel a deep sadness and tension, however, it helped some to cool down a bit.
"Sis, I don't blame you or anyone else," a slightly gruff voice came from the other end of their base as Mikey walked towards the guys, joining the conversation, "I always appreciate everything you do for me... but it's out of your hands. Oh and yeah, hey everyone, I guess I wasn't invited to my own party."
Raphael feels a prick of guilt and gets sick and dizzy when he notices his youngest brother sounds more mature then he does, even now. His brother looked very unwell. His eyes were puffy, his mask was kind of wet around his baby blues, and he was paler than usual.
"Mikey, why are you here?" the girl asked worriedly as the short mutant put a blanket on her shoulders, probably attempting to comfort her.
"You’re all talking ‘bout me. I'm probably supposed to be here?"
"I'm sorry I messed up again," smiling hollowly, he glances slightly at everyone with his glassy eyes, "𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘵 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵? 𝘕𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵... '𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵."
And for the second time, everyone falls silent, looking flustered, truly surprised at the way their little brother is acting. He just laughed at himself while talking about a serious topic, didn't he? That... wasn't a healthy thing.
"You haven't ruined anything, Mikey... you shouldn't belittle yourself by laughing at yourself. It's not your fault you feel like this..." April exhaled heavily.
"Yeah... that's not cool, man..."
Casey seemed to agree.
And the blue eyed boy once again looked away, smiling with a weak, almost ironic smile, adding, "Yeah, sure. Look dudes... let's not have this pity party, I'm fine..... It's all just a big misunderstanding and it's my own fault."
Donnie's eyes are blown as he realises the complexity of the problem, which they themselves may possibly be the root of.
His gaze narrows as the scientist finally notices that Michelangelo was trembling slightly, noticing that perhaps that trembling was before the guy even entered the living room. And he examines the other as his already not real smile fades before his eyes.
And Donnie doesn't notice as he takes his first steps toward the turtle, pushing himself between the frozen brothers.
"Mikey... that-that's not true... I-I... I'm sorry we made you think like that all the time," Donatello's voice is emotional as he grabs him by the shoulders, causing his brother to look at him in surprise, "we may be mad a lot, but never in our lives will we say 'no' to you. If you feel bad, we will always try to help you and we won’t react badly.... Do you believe me? Michelangelo, do you believe me?"
Mikey's eyes sparkled for a moment, more attentive to his full name, it seemed he managed to concentrate on the words, the other's face feeling like he was being watched carefully. And... he remains silent, hesitant to answer that question. If they had treated him like this before, what had changed now?
Silence was the answer, as well as a metaphorical gut punch to the purple masked teen.
"..sorry, Dee..."
Ah, Donatello shakes his head, feeling terrible for trying to hug his brother when he unfairly wants to cry.
"No, it's not right... Please don't apologise."
The other turtles watched in silence, thoroughly shocked by this little dialog.
Leo felt guilty, finally catching on to the fact that they had hurt their brother with careless words and laid down negative attitudes about such things, that the other is always to blame.
He's their leader, how could he have ever let such a thing happen to his little brother, the brightest and most optimistic of them all? How did he ignore the things he had noticed before?
Leonardo sits up on his lap, he notices Raph suddenly quiet, repeating the same thing. They seemed to be thinking about the same stuff for once. A traditional Japanese apology if you've really done something wrong. Green palms touching the floor and head down as they both ready to tilt their backs all the way down. Making a bow and sitting like that, hoping they can redeem themselves a little with this display of regret and respect.
"I... I didn't think you'd talk about yourself like that... I- It's my fault, I'm sorry, little brother."
And Raph's unusually menacing and confident tone seems quite the antonym here, as he picks at his words in a confused manner, finally as if having an epiphany after seeing his brother in such a state, hearing him talk about himself in such a deprecating manner.
It was pure shock and horror, as if Raphael had been splashed with ice water.
"As the oldest, I should’ve made sure you were okay and that our words didn't hurt you and... that you could always talk to us no matter what happened. I'm sorry, Mikey."
Before they can bow, Mikey takes steps toward them two, sitting down beside them, awkward and panicked, touching their palms with his own. "This... it’s not necessary at all, please, you don't need to, dudes," he doesn't seem to like this kind of attention at all and only feels more anxiety and misunderstanding, which is easily readable on the turtle's face.
"𝘖𝘵𝘰𝘵𝘰, you look so upset..... we didn't notice it, I missed it and ignored it. I owe you an apology, I failed as your brother and leader." objected Leo.
"I don't think so, you're taking too much on yourself as always bro."
And Mikey shakes his head, explaining:
"I'm not mad at any of you, Leo. I'm just having... a really bad day." He frowns slightly, speaking more quietly, "well, probably a lot of bad days... I didn't wanna talk to you about it and I just... uh y'know, wanted to deal with something on my own for once? Show that 𝘩𝘦𝘺, 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘰."
And he only looks sadder when Donnie sits down next to him, touching the other's shoulder as April and Casey step aside, giving them space for a more private conversation.
"Depression is a mental disorder, which isn't some silly thing, Mikey. It's a serious medical condition that can happen to anyone."
"Don, don't scold him about already shitty circumstances," Raph snorted, more protective towards the youngest, and Donnie hastily closed his mouth, panicking.
"I wasn't scolding him, I'm just.. trying to explain, okay? I'm sorry, Mikey, if it sounded like that. I don't always realise I can be harsh and a bit condescending."
Mikey didn't really respond, but with a faint nod.
"I'm not very good at this sort of thing," Raphael reluctantly admitted.
"Neither am I... perhaps we should focus more on the possible emotional issues that may be present in our family," Leo sighed heavily.
When Donnie still seemed a bit startled by the past words to explain for now, too, not being too deeply connected to the topic. The younger man, however, added quietly:
"Uh... I've noticed that we often have problems on an emotional level from misunderstandings... I really don't think you should blame yourself too much, because, uh- our love languages are different, except for like, well- Dad didn't talk a lot about emotions because of his upbringing, which kinda sucks, yaaa know?" and Michelangelo gives everyone an awkward smile, remembering Sensei when he expects someone to interrupt him, but surprisingly, he's only listened to.
So he feels empowered to continue.
"Oh, uh... well, I mean, I thought it might be depression, sure, but I really didn't think it would bite my shell so hard. I sorta try to stick to the recommendations of what to do about it, it's just... it's probably not as quick and as easy as I thought it would be?"
"Mikey... you've been following the recommendations? No, wait, how much do you know about this?" Donnie seemed amazed that the other seemed well aware of his condition.
"Well, I guess a lot? I've kind of, like, tried to deal with it? Still trying? Ugh, that sounds so dumb..." And he blinked, rubbing his neck lightly with his hand. "I wanted to understand you guys and myself more, so I've been doing some self analysis, especially when I have ADHD... it's pretty clear and intuitive to me, so... I guess I'm into psychology?"
Raph's mouth dropped open at that statement, he'd completely forgotten that Donnie and April had talked about the possibility that maybe Mikey had ADHD, which he didn't know much about either.
The second oldest got even more embarrassed when it seemed important as it was about Mikey.
"I didn't realise you liked that stuff..." it came as a reveal to Leo, thinking about the other as more of a funny guy.
"I thought you'd laugh at me, duh."
"It's... it's not like that," the Inventor objected when Mikey only gave him another brief and sad smile, "It won't be like that anymore, we'll fix it."
And April only broke their quiet conversation as she walked over to the turtles, holding her phone in her hands.
"Hey Mikey, maybe you want to meet my dad some other day for therapy? Maybe he can also give you all some advice on mental health too."
And the mutant only shyly wiggles slightly to the side, quietly.
"Can I think about that for a bit...?"
"Oh... Mikey... of course. It's about your comfort. We're here for you and we love you so much."
And everyone was in agreement on that.
Just like that, movie night flowed into a conversation about emotions and some family values, where Mikey had something to say at times, even if he didn't always dare.
Well. Finally, Mikey is healing.
Tomorrow might be a bad day for him again, and the day after that too, but he couldn't wait for the good ones that were sure to come.