Archive of Our Own

It was a random Tuesday evening when he was interrogating the man they arrested in the bar for assaulting and raping a bartender.

“She was easy. Demanding for it like a slut.”

Juwon wondered if he should be the one to talk to her when she would wake up in the hospital. After all, he was easy too. He had demanded it like a slut too.

*

It was late when Juwon reached Manyang, so he drove directly to Jaeyi’s shop. He had stopped at the door when he heard Jihwa tease Dongsik about dating Juwon.

It had been three weeks since Dongsik had kissed him. Three weeks since they went to his house and fucked. Three weeks since Juwon had asked Dongsik if they were dating, Dongsik had replied positively, then teased him about sleeping together before their first date.

Juwon slid open the door and quietly entered. He had been enthusiastically greeted, and he replied with a polite smile. He sat next to Dongsik, avoiding his gaze like he had been doing for the past two weeks.

Dongsik held his hand under the table and passed him cute smiles occasionally.

Juwon wondered if Dongsik chose him because he was easy.

It would make sense. He’s been through so much to chase after someone now.

*

Dongsik and Jaeyi chose to follow Juwon to the hospital. There was nothing to do; her shop was closed for the day. Dongsik greeted Juwon’s older partner, who had been kicked out of the woman’s hospital room by the nurses.

“She won’t let a man see her,” He said, silently pleading with Dongsik to stop Juwon. Unfortunately, the young man did not pay much heed to his senior’s advice.

It took him just a few minutes to convince a nurse to ask the victim if he could speak to her. He baited Jaeyi’s presence and was glad when she took it.

As promised, Juwon sat a few feet away while Jaeyi sat closer.

Park Min Soo kept a close on the officer sitting in the room, as expressionless as a human could be. He looked terrifying. She was grateful for the soft-eyed woman in the room along with them.

“You don’t have to answer anything that you don’t want to,” Juwon promised, waiting for her to accept before he started asking questions.

She nodded, then looked at Jaeyi hesitantly. Jaeyi smiled encouragingly.

“Do you have any family?” Juwon asked, noting the lack of support. Min Soo looked at her hands.

“My boyfriend broke up with me,” Her voice induced a dormant sorrow in Juwon, “He said I was too easy; I wasn’t worth the thrill anymore.”

He looked towards the door, past where his boyfriend stood, waiting for them to come out. Maybe he should be careful, too, and prepare himself for the inevitable. But do you break up with someone for being too easy when you dated them for being too easy?

Taking her testimony, Juwon surprised himself with the endless patience he had shown. He listened because he wished someone else had.

“He said I deserved it for looking like a slut,” She cried, clutching Jaeyi’s hand with her uninjured hand. Jaeyi drew circles on the back of her hand to comfort her. “Maybe I did.”

“That’s not true,” Jaeyi promised, inching closer. Park Min Soo sobbed.

“He said, ‘Don’t cry, slut. You were begging for it’.”

Juwon stared at the notes in his hand, reading the words as he wrote them.

Don’t act like you weren’t inviting me in.

“The way you were dressed doesn’t equal consent, Min Soo. That doesn’t mean you were easy,” Jaeyi sounded so disgusted as she said it.

Never thought that Han Kihwan’s son would be so easy to trap.

“And my boyfriend – “

I should have sent your mother away earlier. She taught you all this, didn’t she?

“Was I really asking for it?”

Your father wouldn’t like to find you like this, would he?

“Sometimes,” Juwon said silently, “They take it even when you’re difficult.” He looked at her, feeling stinging numbness in his heart, “You aren’t an easy catch, Min Soo. You’re human. It wasn’t your fault.”

It wasn’t your fault, Juwon-ah. I promise it wasn’t.

*

It ended with Jaeyi exchanging numbers with the victim and promising to invite her over when she was healthier. Juwon held the door open for Jaeyi to leave first. When she stepped out, he closed the door behind her.

“Juwon-ssi!” Her panicked voice muffled behind the closed door. Juwon locked the door before he turned to Park Min Soo. She was fighting not to seem scared; he noticed and regretted his instinctive actions.

“What I say next is illegal and definitely a crime, but,” He said quietly. “I promise that I will have him convicted and locked away. And if I fail, I will kill him with my own hands.”

He didn’t wait to see her expression. He unlocked the door and stepped out, ignoring the people around him. He stepped away and made a phone call. He pretended he didn’t see his partner’s confused face.

“Hyung,” Juwon said shakily before the other could speak, “Would you like to get a drink?”

*

Park Min Soo refused to talk to anyone but Han Juwon. She didn’t need someone to sit by her. She said she trusted him.

Han Juwon knew that she knew that he was the same.

A month later, her rapist was sentenced in court.

Two months later, she attended her first dinner in Manyang, sitting next to Juwon.

She was four years older than him. When she sat next to him, it felt like she was protecting him rather than looking for protection. Juwon felt like he could cry. It had been years since he felt someone guarding his walls.

That evening, Juwon asked if they could keep in touch and if he could call her noona. He could be mistaken, but Dongsik looked a little jealous.

She stayed with Oh Jihwa that night.

“You seem to like her,” Dongsik commented on their walk home. Juwon slid closer.

“I do,” He answered honestly. “I’m glad I could do something for her.”

Dongsik slipped his hand in Juwon’s.

“Is that all?”

Juwon laughed affectionately. “Are you jealous?”

Lee Dongsik pretended to be offended. “Why would I be?”

Juwon couldn’t control the smile on his face when he leaned close and kissed him on his lips.

“You will have to stop being my partner to get me to call you ‘hyung’,” Juwon whispered against his lips, “I wouldn’t like that.”

They paused under the dim streetlight to secretly steal kisses.

Han Juwon looked at the older man and wondered what he would do if they ever broke up.

*

“Han Juwon?”

The couple turned their attention to the expensive, older woman who stood next to Jihwa.

Chills crawled under his skin. The painfully familiar eyes seemed to pierce into his soul and wound him from within. He was tempted to hide behind Dongsik or pretend that he couldn’t see or hear her.

He forced a fake smile.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” He had hoped never to see her again since Hyuk had blackmailed her. She never had any reason to see him again, but maybe she had just found one.

“You’ve… grown,” She mumbled, running her eyes over his body, smiling sweetly. Juwon swallowed a shiver tingling on the surface of his skin and willed the crawling disgust to leave. Everything felt sticky and dirty. He felt dirty.

“Don’t say it like that,” He said quietly, opting to stare at Jihwa’s shoulder to avoid accidentally catching anyone’s gaze.

Never thought that Han Kihwan’s son would be so easy to trap.

He wasn’t scared, but he couldn’t breathe. His heart tightened in his chest, and an old phantom ache pierced his muscles.

Dongsik turned to his young lover, surprised. Then, he looked at Jihwa, hoping for an explanation. He didn’t feel comfortable with the look Yeong Ja gave Juwon, or how Juwon was subtly twitching to crawl into a ball and hide.

“This is Cha Yeong Ja,” The older officer took the hint quickly, “After our approval, she will take of the redevelopment area.”

Juwon was tempted to slip away when Dongsik struck up a conversation with her and shielded Juwon with his body, but he stood there, unable to move out of fear of being noticed. He didn’t like having to use his partner as a shield. However, he couldn’t stand the dam of memories flooding his brain. He’d kept it locked away and hidden for so long; he couldn’t risk a panic meltdown in front of the people he considered family.

Surprisingly, Jihwa slowly moved to stand next to him. “I could fake a reason and have her rejected.”

He turned to her with what felt like a pleading anguish. It worked to strengthen her resolve.

“You won’t see her here again, I promise.”

Juwon flinched when she touched his shoulder. His heart was violently bursting in his chest, trying to come up with an excuse for his behaviour, but Jihwa silently retracted her hand and didn’t look fazed. All she did was give him a soft smile and distract Cha Yeong Ja till Juwon grabbed Dongsik and left.

*

Juwon volunteered to help Jaeyi and Jihoon go through Min Jeong’s belongings and decide what needed to be kept and what could be given away. Dongsik and Jihwa were on a hike. Despite his consent to go through her stuff, Dongsik couldn’t bear to watch her life being unravelled without the guilt of not having saved her.

“Did he really think they deserved it?” Jaeyi asked quietly as she sorted through the expired makeup products, “Because they were ‘immoral’ women?”

Come on, you’ve had sex before, haven’t you? You’re not that young. Don’t act so surprised.

“Maybe,” Juwon found himself answering, “Or it was because of Min Jeong’s mother.”

Juwon picked at the loose threads on the dead girl’s old skirt, playing with the undone stitching. He hated the lousy pattern on the hem. Is she were alive, they would have enjoyed spending time together. She would love designer clothes, and he would love to spend money on her to make her happy.

Sometimes, Juwon was curious if she had been Dongsik’s daughter after all. They had similar personalities and were equally reckless. He cared about her deeper than an uncle and mourned for her more than anyone else.

“They were probably easy targets,” Jihoon commented, shrugging his shoulders. “People wouldn’t care and would blame the victims.”

I hope it wasn’t consensual because I can’t deal with rumours of my son sleeping around right now.

Juwon picked up a shirt from the pile on his right. It looked like an old uniform shirt.

He drowned out the bits of conversation around him. He smoothened out the sleeves. The fabric brushed against the pad of his thumb seamlessly, bumping occasionally with wrinkles but no tears. The collar was clean, with no stains of wine or blood. The buttons were slightly loose because of constant use but fully intact. There was no restitching.

Juwon never had a uniform shirt that was in one piece. For a while, he would mend it at midnight every few weeks. He spent so much money secretly buying buttons.

He felt a tingling sting on his right arm. It felt hot when he touched it, but he saw no blood on his fingers. His chest throbbed with the pinch of sharp nails, but all that was touching him was Dongsik’s cotton t-shirt.

He picked up her skirt next and examined it silently. Sometimes, he would wish that he could wear a skirt because it would prevent skid marks on his inner thigh from when his pants were ripped away.

He picked up her blazer and stared at the intact sleeve. A sharp slicing tore threw his shoulder, but when he touched it, it was smooth and blood-free. He could swear he felt the sharp thread dig into his skin and break it.

Before he could pick up something else, quick hands snatched the uniform from him. The world of darkness around him snapped violently, and he was met with Jaeyi furiously kicking the clothes away while Jihoon pushed them behind his back.

“Let’s go get some air,” She said immediately, putting on her professional smile. “Jihoon can handle everything here.”

Juwon could only stare at her, then nod dumbly. He took her hand and stood up, allowing her to lead him out of the house and into the freshly dug-up garden. Jihoon followed with a glass of water and then disappeared into the house again.

Juwon wordlessly drank water and let the cool air prick his skin and wake him up from his nightmare.

“Are you okay?”

He was too embarrassed to turn her and answer, but nodded his head.

After a few bouts of silence, he broke it, “Was it obvious?”

Jaeyi hummed. “You looked sad and troubled. Like, something that you didn’t want was happening, but you couldn’t stop it.”

Kwon Hyuk had told him to get a therapist, but he had refused. Back then, he couldn’t taint his father’s reputation. Now, he was afraid of people finding out. He was afraid of Dongsik finding out.

Eventually, she asked him if he wanted to talk about it. Naturally, he shook his head. She simply nodded.

“I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk,” She promised and touched his bicep. Juwon flinched and pulled his hand away. The young woman retracted her hand and smiled instead of asking anything.

An aching warmth settled inside of him.

Maybe, he didn’t have to tell them. Maybe they knew, or maybe they’d just understand.

*

Dongsik kept sneaking glances at the duo sitting behind through the rearview mirror, suppressing the jealousy that rose from Juwon fussing over his former tutor’s wounds. Juwon was surprisingly understanding of the situation when he walked into the police station and saw the prosecutor sitting next to a beaten-up old man with a cut on his face, swollen lower lip, and bleeding knuckles.

Dongsik wasn’t. Han Juwon had been furiously raging on their drive there, but the anger had suddenly melted when he saw Kwon Hyuk.

Unable to deal with Juwon’s constant concern of Hyuk putting his career on the line, Dongsik interrupted the conversation with questions he needed answers to.

“How did you convince him not to press charges?” Dongsik asked the prosecutor, “He even shut down his daughter when she recognised you and insisted on pressing charges.”

Kwon Hyuk seemed to hesitate and decided to explain a part of the question, “She’s a lawyer, and we don’t quite like each other.”

“What did you say to him?” Juwon pressed, intensely staring at the other man as if he knew the answer. After a moment of troubled silence, he finally answered.

“I told him that if he did, I would send his entire family a little… message. His daughter and I know each other, so it worked out better.”

Dongsik saw Juwon freeze at the words. He frowned to himself, catching worry for his boyfriend. Hyuk’s words didn’t seem threatening; maybe Juwon knew him better.

To his horror, he caught a shine in Juwon’s eyes a fraction of a second before he turned his head and hid his face. His grip on the steering wheel tightened.

He always knew that Juwon was hiding something from him. He never asked, because he never seemed open to talk about it.

Park Min Soo hadn’t visited Manyang in a while, but Juwon was in constant contact with her and was willing to go to lengths to make her feel comfortable. It had annoyed Dongsik at first; eventually, he accepted that Juwon’s concern came from somewhere deeper that he wasn’t willing to explain openly. He indulged in Juwon’s requests to help her as an attempt to soothe his jealousy, and it had surprisingly helped. It had been adorable to see an adorable, sweet, and sincere side of Juwon.

Dongsik had suspicions that the reason Oh Jihwa fought to reject Cha Yoeng Ja, an old friend of Han Kihwan, wasn’t for Dongsik. She made Juwon very obviously uncomfortable, and Dongsik accepted it immediately. Yet, it seemed that Jihwa seemed to know more than she was telling him.

Yoo Jaeyi and Oh Jihoon had warned him of Juwon’s upset mood when he returned from the trek with Jihwa. Jaeyi had been carefully selecting her words, and often nudging Jihoon to keep him from revealing some information. The young man had been confused but chose to listen to her.

They all looked like separate incidents, but Dongsik couldn’t help but feel that they were connected.

It hurt that Juwon wouldn’t tell him. It hurt even more to realise that it was probably troubling Juwon so deeply that he was afraid of telling anyone.

“Do you still have the video?” Juwon whispered, attempting to hide the break in his voice but failing. Slowly, Hyuk took his trembling hands in his own.

“I do. I’m sorry,” He answered, almost looking shameful. “I didn’t delete it in case your father – I’m sorry, Juwon-ah.”

“What video?” Dongsik pulled to the side and turned around to look at Juwon, who still refused to look at anyone. Hyuk avoided his gaze too. “Juwon, what video?”

He could feel his heart slamming against his chest. Juwon didn’t want Hyuk to have some video, but he still did and it was hurting Juwon.

Lee Dongsik was tempted to strangle Hyuk for making his boyfriend upset.

“What video?” Dongsik asked again, struggling to keep his cool. He wanted to rip Kwon Hyuk’s hands off Juwon and hold him. He resisted the urge so as not to startle Han Juwon.

“Let’s talk at home, jagiya.”

*

They dropped Kwon Hyuk at the hospital and drove to Juwon’s apartment. The moment they were through the door, Juwon wrapped his arms around Dongsik and buried his face in his neck. The wetness of his tears clung to the older man’s skin.

You’re not alone. I’m right here. This doesn’t have to change anything. But I’m on your side, okay?

Hyuk had been there, but he couldn’t have done anything drastic anyway.

With Dongsik’s arms wrapped tightly and protectively around him, Juwon knew he was home. It was strange to feel that way after years of battling his fears disguised with mysophobia.

Juwon closed his eyes and basked in the warmth of his lover’s embrace. Despite the tingling anxiety that Dongsik would leave, Juwon refused to run away from it. Ever since Min Soo’s case, his symptoms were returning, and so were the people; it was only fair that Dongsik knew what was happening. Juwon had relied on Manyang’s uncanny ability to read his body language and their infinite kindness for so long. He reckoned it was time to come clean to his partner and tell him the truth.

After all, Jihwa seemed to know something, and Jaeyi had caught on to the fact that he had some unspoken trauma.

They knew, and they had understood. They hadn’t demanded answers, they had given him space, and they had accommodated him. He had a family – one who would stand in front of him as a shield and punch his assaulters for him.

“Let’s have dinner first,” Juwon mumbled, “Give me time. I promise I’ll tell you soon.”

*

It was two days later, when Juwon was washing the dishes after dinner, he wondered why he hadn’t told Dongsik yet. It had been weighing on his mind, and he hadn’t been cheerful since the incident. Dongsik had been endlessly patient with him, and it wasn’t fair to him anymore.

He had been shown nothing but kindness. Even when he had hurt them, they had let him ask for forgiveness and repent for his sins.

Putting away the last plate, Han Juwon turned around to look at his partner, who was peacefully reading on the couch.

“Let’s talk,” Juwon broke the silence between them. Dongsik looked up and studied Juwon’s face before marking the page and putting down the book. He carefully folded his reading glasses and kept them next to the book. He patted the space next to him.

Juwon chose to sit on the single couch on the opposite side.

“There are conditions,” He didn’t want to admit it, but he was extremely nervous. Dongsik had promised him forever, but Min Soo’s boyfriend had bought an engagement ring. Juwon chewed on his lower lip as he stared at his hands in his lap. He didn’t see Dongsik nod. “One, react only after I’m done talking. Two, stop me when it becomes too much. Three, if you want to leave, do it when I’m asleep so that I don’t have to watch you walk away. I’ll mail your stuff by the end of the week.”

“I’m staying,” Dongsik said immediately, even before Juwon had finished the sentence. Juwon wished he could believe it wholeheartedly. Dongsik wouldn’t shame him for it, he knew, but the anxiety of him not wanting to date him anything remained consistent.

There were a million things Juwon wanted to say to that. He wanted to reject that and explain why Dongsik could leave. But the numbness had already settled in.

“So, um,” Juwon cleared his throat, “When I told you that you were the first person I’ve slept with, that wasn’t actually true.”

“Oh,” The older man sounded more confused than surprised, “Did you mean your first in a relationship or…?”

Juwon considered chickening out and lying by agreeing with him. He didn’t know if he could go through with it and live with the fact that Dongsik would know the ugly secret he had been keeping hidden away in the deepest corners of his heart.

“No,” Juwon took a deep breath, steeling himself for the words he was going to say. “You’re the first person I’ve slept with… consensually.”

The world around him stopped spinning when all he received was silence.

He picked at the skin around his nails as his chest grew heavier. The silence seemed to take away his ability to breathe normally. His throat was constricted, but he felt no tears. There was a dark numbness consuming his soul, just like all those years ago. He felt alone and helpless, hurting and begging to be set free from his misery. He was plotting his escape, knowing very well that he would fail. He couldn’t run away from his own house – he had nowhere to go.

With every beat of silence, Juwon felt smaller. He wished he could hide in Hyuk’s cupboard again and be beaten up by his father for “sneaking out” instead of being violated for hours at a stretch.

“My father would host social gatherings to network,” Juwon was speaking, but it didn’t sound like him. His voice was much deeper and sorrowful, “That’s when I met them. Cha Yeong Ja. Song Gil Jeong. Seo Joon Ho. Choi Sang Jin. They had power and influence, so they fell right into my father’s radar. Yet, they weren’t important enough to be missed.”

Juwon paused to breathe. He felt lightheaded but uncomfortable. His skin itched, and shivers crawled under it.

Dongsik hadn’t stopped him, so he continued, “My father would send me back to my room after parading me around as his English-speaking son. On the first night, Seo Joon Ho and Choi Sang Jin came one after the other. Both of them were married to rich trophy wives. So, I guess I can see why they caught interest in someone young and powerless. I wouldn’t snitch, and I wouldn’t scream, because my father would have killed me if he saw me in bed with a man.”

He felt sorry for his younger self. Younger Juwon had been petrified and scared. He had been confused and disgusted. He had panic attacks all night because he couldn’t understand why. He had cried in the shower and scrubbed himself till he bled. He had forced himself to pretend he was fine, that nothing had happened until it happened again.

“Cha Yeong Ja was next, two weeks later, and possibly the worst. She was divorced and had a history of dating younger models because she threw money. There were claims of abuse that went unheard. Song Gil Jeong, her bodyguard, came along with her. He would hold me down and drug me so that I was boneless and pliant.” The drugs had wrecked his health, but he had been adamant not to let his father find out. He had fought to pretend for the longest time.

“When they found out that there was someone else, they made a schedule.”

Juwon didn’t know if Dongsik was reacting or not. All he saw was the torn skin near his nailbeds and heard the ringing of his voice narrating the most unprocessed, traumatic part of his life. He couldn’t feel anymore, which terrified him even more. Numbness was the only thing he had registered then, and he felt himself slipping. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself. He needed to get it out. He wanted to finally say it out loud and feel the anguish, pain, and anger so that he could finally process it.

“It hurt me physically and mentally,” Juwon recalled the bruises and infections as he was beaten and forced into submission. The torn clothes and their sadistic pleasure of leaving his room messy with pieces of fabric and buttons. The chafes on his thighs when he was shown no mercy, and the infection on his shoulder where the white shirt turned blood red and greenish-yellow by digging into the wound. And worst of all, the internal bleeding that led him to secretly sneak to the hospital.

“That’s how hyung found out,” Juwon laughed as if it was a funny incident when Kwon Hyuk had followed him into the hospital and forced himself into the appointment. He laughed as if he hadn’t been terrified to the core. He laughed as if Hyuk hadn’t been so horrified and angry. He laughed as if he hadn’t been in so much pain.

“I tried to hide,” Juwon promised, digging his nails deeper into the tearing skin. “Sometimes with hyung, sometimes in his cupboard. I couldn’t stay in the study halls because my father wouldn’t allow it. This one time, I hid under my bed. It was small and cramped, but they found me. Dragged me out by my ankle. It was like those Hollywood horror movies, except I couldn’t scream.”

Was Dongsik listening to him? Was he still there? Was he disgusted by Juwon? Did he think he deserved it?

“I learnt a lot of Korean through them,” Juwon laughed again as if it was a heartwarming incident and not something that left him so deeply and psychologically impacted that it ruined every potential relationship. “I learnt how to call someone easy, whore, and slut. And a whole lot of stuff. Didn’t quite help me because I wasn’t planning to say those things to anyone.”

His thumb was stinging with the skin he ripped, but he barely flinched. He continued to pick at the sensitive skin, hoping for the pain to erase the numbness. He wanted to feel. He wanted to cry.

“Four months,” His nailbed was redder than it should be, “It took four months to stop. Hyung somehow got the men kicked out of my father’s social circle with false cases. Cha Yeong Ja left when hyung threatened her with the video.”

That video had been Juwon’s biggest regret. To date, he couldn’t tell what was worse – the abuse or the video.

“Hyung had a personal study cam in his room. He brought it to mine when we studied together. One evening, he forgot to take it back. It automatically would shut down when there was no movement, but my room had several.”

It had been his decision not to warn about it when he saw the light blinking. It had been his decision, praying for a split second that it would be his get-out-of-jail card.

“Hyung threatened to censor my face and release it. So, she left and took her bodyguard. It worked then, and it worked now. Song Gil Jeong didn’t appreciate hyung threatening to send the video to his beloved daughter and son.”

Juwon saw a flash of red, and then more. Blood from his split skin pooled over his nails, and he simply watched in fascination, waiting for the pain to settle in. He didn’t care that it was an unusual amount of blood.

“My father found the video by accident,” It had been horrifying when Hyuk had called him and told him not to return home under any circumstances until he deemed it safe. He wished he had listened. He wished he hadn’t hoped that his father would be on his side. “As expected, he didn’t like it. I don’t know why I ever doubted that he was capable of murder – he told me that it better not be consensual, because otherwise Cha Yeong Ja wouldn’t hesitate to reveal it, and he didn’t want to deal with a PR nightmare.”

He couldn’t breathe. He tried to force his lungs, but they refused to cooperate. They didn’t burn with the lack of oxygen, as if accepting it as the norm. He continued to scratch his skin and find more thin skin to break. He forced more blood to ooze out and watched with sick satisfaction as his nail was covered with red.

“It was over. So, I buried it all in the back of my head and went on with life. I hated touching anyone. I hated being touched. I never got into a relationship because I never wanted to be easy again. I never had sex because of the irrational fear that I’d end up bleeding with wounds and infections all over my body. That’s it. That’s what I was hiding.”

Juwon finally looked up. Dongsik looked lost somewhere. His eyes were hazy and unfocused. He wasn’t looking at Juwon’s face.

An uncomfortable lump formed in the base of Juwon’s throat. He prepared himself to be rejected by the man he loved. He prepared to wake up in an empty bed. He prepared to see Lee Dongsik for the last time.

“You can take your time to think if – “

Dongsik got up from the couch and wordlessly walked into the bedroom. Juwon’s heart sank to his stomach, and the reality sunk in. Dongsik had chosen him because he didn’t need to be chased. He didn’t want any more complications in his life. It wasn’t that he didn’t care; he didn’t want anything that would trouble him. As much as he hated it, Juwon would accept that.

A few seconds later, Dongsik emerged from the room with a box in his hand. Juwon stared at the medical kit, then at his finger, which had bled rather excessively.

His partner kneeled in front of him and gingerly took Juwon’s wounded hand in his own and opened the medical box. Juwon stared blankly with a dull ache in his heart. Dongsik was a good person. He should have never told him. He should have just left. Lee Dongsik deserved someone simple and unproblematic with no baggage to carry.

Juwon hated himself for not being that person.

The antiseptic stung, but Juwon couldn’t react.

How could he force Lee Dongsik to stay for his own whims and fancies?

“You can leave whenever you want,” His voice broke as he spoke, contrary to his previous even tone. “I won’t force you to stay.”

Lee Dongsik said nothing as he bandaged the wound Juwon had caused himself. Dongsik seemed to keep putting him back together, but Juwon wouldn’t stop crumbling.

“Lee Dongsik,” Juwon tried again, “You don’t have to do this. You can leave. You don’t have to wait – “

“Stop talking.”

Juwon instantly shut up. Dongsik’s voice was hoarser than he expected. He let Dongsik finish tending to his wound and push the medical box away.

Carefully, Dongsik held Juwon’s hands as he kneeled in front of him and looked him in the eye.

“I told you, I’m not leaving,” Dongsik said with an uncanny fierceness in his voice.

It brought Juwon no joy. The numbness in his body remained, and the guilt of holding Dongsik back grew.

If Dongsik left, Juwon would have to live with the fact that he drove him away.

If Dongsik stayed, Juwon would have to live with the fact that he forced him to stay.

“I love you,” Dongsik asserted, but Juwon continued to give him a blank look. It annoyed Dongsik, or worried him.

“Okay, but – “

“No,” Dongsik abruptly cut him off, staring intensely, “You could tell me that you’re going to hell, and I’ll follow you. I love you. I will always love you. We’ve been through enough to take it slow or skirt around our feelings. I’ve loved you since the day I suspected your father. I loved you went you stood in front of the gun for me. I loved you when I had you arrest me. Jagiya, I’m not going to stop loving you. And because I won’t stop loving you, I won’t leave. Not when you need me.”

Han Juwon was lightheaded by the sudden intake of oxygen that his body allowed.

It was out of his control, after all. He could push him away, but Dongsik insisted on staying. So, Juwon couldn’t blame himself for holding him back, right?

His partner slid his hand over Juwon’s face and gently stroked his cheek. Juwon automatically leaned into the touch.

“I know you’re upset,” His voice was velvety soft and soothing. “I know you’re hurting. I’m hurting for you. I feel like crying. Don’t you, Juwon-ah?”

He didn’t, and that was the source of all of his problems. He couldn’t cry; he couldn’t vent. It was bottling up inside of him and making him uncomfortable.

Juwon didn’t reply, but he must have seemed helpless and desperate. The next moment, Dongsik was slowly leaning in and kissing him.

There was a familiarity in the kiss. The texture of his lips, the taste of his mouth, the firmness of the kiss. Juwon had felt it before, and it had always been synonymous with safety and love. Juwon remembered, so his body responded alike.

He held on to Dongsik’s shoulder as his muscles relaxed and the pain of tension dissolved. He was safe; he was in control. He could be himself. He didn’t need to hide.

When Dongsik pulled away, Juwon felt like he could cry. He wanted to seek his partner’s lips to force back the tears, but instead stared at his soft, encouraging smile.

It wasn’t sudden like he’d hoped it would be. The anxiety and numbness melted into sorrow and anguish. He felt like he couldn’t hold back anymore, and the first tear slipped.

Dongsik didn’t wipe it away.

“I didn’t want it,” Juwon whispered, his voice tight with a plea, “I begged them to stop, I promise. But they said I was being dramatic because I was asking for it. I said no, I begged, I pleaded, but they wouldn’t listen.”

The words began to jab him straight in the heart, and the tears became uncontrollable. The desperation and helplessness dripped from his tongue. The hysteria grew, and he held his lover tighter.

“I didn’t want it, Dongsik-ah,” Juwon cried, begging him to believe the words, “I don’t want to be who they said I am. I don’t want to be easy.”

Dongsik pulled him in a hug, and Juwon clung to the warmth and safety. He was home. No one would touch him; no one would hurt him.

Juwon’s sobs grew louder and harsher as Dongsik comforted him, rubbing his back and whispering promising words into his ear.

“I’m sorry, Dongsik-ah. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Dongsik promised with sincerity nudging Juwon to consider believing it, “You did nothing wrong. It’s not your fault, babe. It’s not your fault.”

At one point, Juwon was uncontrollably bawling, and Dongsik hugged him tighter and repeatedly promised his love.

“I’m right here, jagiya. I’m going nowhere. I promise.”

*

Longer than it took for him to spill the truth, it took him to calm down. At one point, Dongsik was worried that Juwon had passed out crying.

A warm bath later, Juwon was curled over Dongsik’s chest, feeling like a kitten who had just been rescued from hypothermia and starvation. Dongsik was stroking his hair with one hand, and holding Juwon’s hand with the other. Occasionally, he would kiss Juwon’s fingers.

“Thank you for telling me,” Dongsik said, smiling softly at his partner. Juwon returned the smile, then kissed the corner of Dongsik’s mouth. “I have to confess, Jihwa and Jaeyi told me a few things, and they all make sense now.”

Juwon simply hummed.

The past few months had drained the energy out of him.

“When I found out about your phantom pain, I could understand,” Juwon told him, describing the random, momentary stings or aches around his body. He dipped into describing how they came into existence, but caught himself in time, not wanting to think about it. He knew that someday he’d tell Dongsik. “They gave me the strength to adapt faster and motivation to graduate top of my class. Both high school and university.”

Under his fingertips, Dongsik’s heart sped up.

“High school?” The high-pitched tone was an indication that Dongsik was hearing something he didn’t like.

Juwon sighed, realising that he had omitted one significant part.

“My father sent me back to my room because I couldn’t speak Korean well enough to interact. He didn’t want to lose face,” Juwon answered, shrugging nonchalantly, “I had returned around five months before. So, I guess I was eighteen then.”

“Eighteen,” Dongsik repeated, his eyes turning hazy again. Juwon learnt then that it was a sign of covering his feelings. He connected it to all the times he had seen it before.

“You can be upset, babe,” Juwon said sincerely, “I don’t expect you to be all right.”

“You were a kid, Juwon. A minor.” He was upset, visibly, even when he tried to hide it. Juwon was too. “Your father talked of you having consensual sex with a forty-year-old woman? There no consent there.”

“I know,” Juwon admitted, “Rather, the cop in me knows. The victim part of me refuses to believe it.”

Dongsik tilted Juwon’s head and gently kissed him. Juwon smiled.

“I had to wear hyung’s uniforms when I ran out of mine because they were torn,” It was shameful to be buying new uniforms ever so often and having so many stitches, but Juwon could fondly remember the time he had started calling Hyuk ‘hyung’ because of everything he had done for him.

“Aish, it’s annoying to be jealous of him now,” Dongsik playfully complained, drawing a giggle from his younger partner.

Juwon rewarded him with a kiss.

“I’ll wake up next to you in the morning, right?” Juwon asked hopefully. Dongsik grinned and stole another kiss.

“Everyday, Juwon-ah. You’ll wake up to my face every day. Unless you condemn me to the couch,” Dongsik winked. Juwon groaned.

“No, not again. You complained about your back all day. I couldn’t even work because you kept calling to complain.”

“Ah, I guess you’re going to have to keep me next to you then.”

*