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Henry’s drunk.
Not super drunk—tipsy would probably be more accurate—but he’s drunk enough to be missing Alex. Which is ironic, he realizes as he swirls the liquor in his glass, because the reason he’s at this bar getting drunk in the first place, is because he’d been missing Alex all day and needed a distraction.
Today had been one of his bad days. It wasn’t so bad that he couldn’t get out of bed, fortunately, but it was bad enough that he had to call out of work at the shelter. Pez had been quite worried at receiving Henry’s phone call, but the blond had assured him he was fine. Still, the other man, although unable to visit Henry himself, got some soup delivered to Henry’s place, which he truly appreciated.
Sadly, watching Bake Off all day didn’t stop his thoughts from drifting towards Alex. All he could think about was his beautifully tan skin that would glow under the morning sun as they woke up in bed next to one another. His low, gentle voice that made Henry feel at home every time he heard it. His scent, a mixture of Santal 33 and cinnamon, that brought immediate peace to Henry’s very loud mind.
Eventually, Henry had had enough. He couldn’t be alone with his torturous thoughts anymore. The images of Alex dancing through his mind were no longer tolerable.
He needed a fucking drink. So he went and got one.
And now, after having a few vodka martinis, he’s determined that drinking is not only not helping, but it’s actually making him feel worse.
Henry’s never been a drunk texter, however, at this moment, all he can think about is texting Alex that he’s sorry and that he misses him. Because he is. He’s sorry and he misses Alex. It’s perhaps because he’s drunk that he’s finally admitting this to himself.
Alex was perfect. He was a torch that burned brightly, illuminating the darkness that Henry couldn’t seem to get rid of, no matter how hard he tried. It’d always been there—it came and went throughout his childhood—but after his dad died, it seemed to become a permanent fixture in his life, dampening and joy he could’ve felt if it hadn’t happened. But when Alex waltzed into his life, that darkness slowly started melting away. He thought he’d finally be able to live a meaningful life. One that wasn’t painful to endure, one where he could feel happiness, and it was all because of Alex Claremont-Fucking-Diaz.
… And then, his first depressive episode came along. Since he’d started seeing Alex, he hadn’t yet had one. He knew it was inevitable, and after three months of them seeing each other, the inevitable finally happened.
Alex had been there. He’d taken care of Henry. Bringing him food and water. Lying in bed with him as sobs racked his body, whispering sweet nothings against his neck. Wiping down his face with a warm, dampened washcloth after the tears finally slowed. Bringing take out to his bed and putting Bake Off on the TV. Feeding David and taking him out to walk so Henry didn’t have to get up.
He had been so loving, so tender, so gentle as he did all of this, but he didn’t treat Henry like he was some broken, fragile thing that needed to be fixed. It was the most safe and secure he felt in a long time, despite the pain he was in.
Henry wasn’t a fool though. He saw the panic in Alex’s eyes when he came over with food and saw him lying in bed, unmoving, with tear tracks racing down his face. He saw the worry as Alex fussed over him, making sure he had everything he needed.
He saw Alex’s torch, usually burning so beautifully bright, dim , for the first time since they’d met.
At that moment, he knew he had to let Alex go. Not because he wasn’t completely in love with the man. Not because of anything that had to do with what makes Alex, Alex. But because he couldn’t be the reason Alex’s torch went out.
So, he let go of the man, whom he was certain was the love of his life.
~
“What do you mean you want to break up?” Alex had said with an incredulous tone.
“I mean, I want to break up. I just- I don’t think I should be in a relationship right now. Please don’t take it personally.” Henry tried his best to keep his voice steady. Despite his efforts, the shake in his tone was clear as day.
Alex, of course, demanded an explanation. “Don’t give me that, Henry. That’s the kind of bullshit people say when they don’t want to give a real explanation.”
“Alex, please. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I just, I can’t be in a relationship right now, alright? You deserve better than someone like me.”
Something in his expression softened at that. Alex kneeled down in front of him and took Henry’s hands in his own. “Baby, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It doesn’t matter if I ‘deserve better,’ I want you , Hen.”
Alex’s reassurances did nothing to change his mind. He shook his head and pulled his hands away from the warmth of Alex’s. “Alex, please. Just stop,” Henry had said, his voice cracking.
The brunette’s features hardened as he stood back up. “Okay. Fine. I’ll leave. But you have to tell me to go.”
“Alex, please. Don’t make me.”
“Well, you’re going to have to, because it’s the only way you’re getting rid of me. Because I would never leave this room if I didn’t think there was even the slightest chance of holding onto the happiness that I’ve found with you. So tell me to go, Henry. And I promise, I will walk out that door and trouble you no longer.”
Henry took a few steadying breaths. “Alex,” he said, his name a plea on his lips, silently begging the man to go without a fight. Hoping for that was unrealistic, however, because Alex isn’t the type of man to let go without a fight. That passion is one of the things Henry loves about Alex.
And of course, that’s what is causing them both so much pain right now.
“Please leave, Alex.”
~
That day constantly replays in Henry’s memory, the look on Alex’s face haunting him to no end.
You did the right thing, he tells himself. You would just ruin him. You have to stay away. For his sake.
Unable to sit in this bar any longer with a certain Latino brunette consuming his every waking thought, he pays his tab and leaves, walking back to his apartment. He relishes in the brisk winter wind brushing up against his cheeks. It’s cool enough to make his face feel a bit numb, which is exactly what he needs. He just wants to feel numb.
“Hey there, what’s a pretty thing like you doing out here alone?” A voice said to his right. He turns to see a stranger, that of who is taller than him with a muscular build. He has messy brown hair, which, quite frankly looks horrendous compared to Alex’s fluffy curls—shit, now he’s thinking about Alex again—and he’s got a smile plastered onto his face that causes a chill to travel down Henry’s spine.
Instantly, Henry sobers up, feeling on edge at the presence of this man.
“Just on my way to my car,” he lies, keeping his reply short and clipped.
The man doesn’t seem to take the hint. “Well, why don’t I walk you there?”
He gives the stranger a tight-lipped smile, which he’s sure looks more like a grimace. “No thanks, I’m alright.”
“Oh come on, let me show you a good time, sweetheart.” Henry’s about to decline his offer once again, but before he can, he’s being yanked into an alley and a hand is being slapped over his mouth.
Henry’s breathing speeds up in a panic as he tries to squirm away from the stranger’s hold on him. He starts screaming against the hand covering his mouth, but it’s quite muffled and he’s not sure anyone can actually hear him. He thrashes around, the brick of the building behind him scraping against his scalp. The stranger uses his grip on Henry’s mouth to slam his head back. A burst of pain travels throughout his skull, pulling a wretched wail from his throat.
“If you stop screaming, maybe I’ll be nice and make this fun for you too,” the stranger says, letting go of Henry’s arm for a moment to undo his belt. It’s when he hears the man unzipping his fly that he realizes what this creep is trying to do.
His blood runs cold.
In a last-ditch effort to get away, he takes advantage of the man having only one hand on him to push him back. He isn’t able to get the pervert fully off of him, but he does stumble a bit, which allows Henry to kick him in between the legs.
Luckily, that does it. The man cries out and falls backward into the concrete, clutching his crotch with his legs clenched together.
The moment he’s able, Henry flees, running as fast as his legs allow. He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but it’s only until he feels his muscles starting to cramp up that he stops. He collapses onto the curb below him leaning forwards and putting his head in his hands, doing his best to catch his breath. He’s honestly not sure if his breathing feels so labored due to the running or the panic he feels. He decides after a few moments that it’s probably both.
Just as he starts to get his breathing to slow down a little, it all hits him.
Someone tried to …
He doesn’t want to think about it.
He hears a loud, wretched sob, and it takes him a minute to realize that it came from him. The next thing he knows, he’s gasping for breath, his cries becoming relentless. All the pain from the weeks before and the shock of knowing what could’ve happened if he didn’t get away comes to a head, and he can’t handle it.
And maybe it’s because he’s shaken up and not really thinking about what he’s doing, or maybe it’s because he’s still tipsy and doesn’t know where he is or how to get back to his apartment, but regardless, he pulls out his phone from his pocket and opens up his contacts, calling the one person he’s been yearning to talk to for weeks.
“Henry?”
Another sob is ripped from his throat when the sound of Alex’s voice reaches his ears, but this time it’s one of relief. Oh, how he’s missed how Alex says his name. He tries to reply, but it’s difficult to speak between his sobs.
“Henry!?” Alex says again, this time his tone laced with pure panic. “Henry, what’s going on!?”
“I … I-” he finally gets out, cutting himself off to take a few steadying breaths. “Can you come get me?”
Alex takes a few moments to reply and Henry starts to think he’s trying to find a way to turn Henry down. However, he’s quickly proven wrong. “I’m coming. I’ll be right there,” he says, his voice determined. “Where are you?” Henry can hear his keys jingling on the other side of the line.
“I- I don’t know,” Henry says, taking a look at his surroundings.
“You don’t know? What do you mean you don’t know?”
Henry feels more tears well up in his eyes as shame starts to swim around in his chest. How could he have let this happen? How could he have been so careless?
“I don’t- I can’t-”
“Okay, okay, take a deep breath, baby. Can you share your location with me?”
The nickname paired with the gentleness of his tone makes Henry want to cry even more than he already is. Somehow, though, he manages to pull it together to share his location with Alex. The brunette has him stay on speakerphone while he drives over. Alex tries to get him to explain what happened, but the best Henry can do is start sobbing again, so Alex lets it go.
Headlights reflect brightly on the pavement in front of him a few minutes later and Henry’s first instinct is to panic. But when the car stops and the door opens, slamming shut, and he sees his favorite person step out of the car, relief floods his body.
Alex rushes up to him, pulling him up from off the curb before Henry can even think to stand up.
The brunette’s gaze is tender when he meets Henry’s, his hands resting softly on his shoulders. Henry would be lying if he said he isn’t surprised that Alex is actually here.
Henry exhales shakily. “You came.”
A beat. “You called.”
They stand there in silence for a few moments. Alex’s gaze scans over him—and if Henry’s honest, he looks a bit frantic as he does, and even more so when his eyes land on his neck.
“You’re bleeding,” the other man points out, his voice going up an octave. “What the fuck happened?”
Henry frowns. “What?” He doesn’t remember getting any cuts.
Alex steps over to examine the back of his neck, stepping back in front of him after he does so. He nods his head sideways towards his car. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
“Thank you.” Henry’s voice is small and timid. Suddenly, he feels guilty now that he’s sitting in Alex’s car, feeling a little calmer. “I know it was unfair of me to call you without warning like that, especially after everything I’ve-”
“Henry, stop,” Alex interrupts him, and Henry shrinks in on himself, assuming that Alex is upset with him. Once again, he’s proven wrong when Alex places a hand on his forearm. “Don’t worry about it, alright? I’m glad you called.” Alex turns to him with the most solemn expression, and Henry can’t help but give him a half-smile in return.
They fall into a comfortable silence for the rest of the ride. He feels Alex’s eyes on him, sending him concerned glances throughout the drive. He doesn’t acknowledge the other’s concern, because that means he’ll have to acknowledge what happened.
He’s not ready for that.
“We’re here.” Alex’s voice jolts him out of his thoughts.
Henry unbuckles his seatbelt before opening the car door. If Alex notices his hands shaking as he does so, he doesn’t mention it.
Alex sits him down on the couch in his living room—the same one that they’d been cuddling on just a few weeks ago when everything was still perfect between them. The brunette gets a first aid kit from his kitchen along with a clean, wet washcloth and seats himself behind Henry, then starts to clean up the blood that’s dried onto Henry’s neck.
Alex works his way up from where the blood pooled in the dip of his clavicle to the nape of his neck.
“Shit, sorry,” says Alex when he brushes against a sensitive spot on his scalp as he tries to wipe the blood out of his hair, causing Henry to hiss in pain.
“God, Hen. Your scalp looks like it was scratched up by fucking Wolverine .” The concern in Alex’s voice is a little baffling to Henry. Why does he care so much? “I’m gonna have to put some ointment on it. This is gonna sting, okay?”
Henry nods, bracing himself as Alex unscrews the cap of the ointment tube. However, he still can’t help but let out a whimper when the ointment touches his wound.
“Shhh, shhh. I know, baby, I know,” Alex coos at him gently. “One second … okay, done.”
Henry lets out a sigh of relief as the initial burning of the ointment starts to subside. Alex rubs a soothing hand between his shoulder blades. He doesn’t mean to—he knows he doesn’t deserve this comfort—but before he knows it, he’s melting into the touch.
“Hen?” Alex says after a short silence. “What happened tonight? Did someone do this to you?”
And just like that, he’s crying again. Small, defeated sobs rack through his body as tears race down his cheeks as the gravity of what has happened finally hits him.
“Baby,” Alex whispers as he scoots up closer behind him. Alex starts to wrap his arms around Henry’s torso, but Henry notices the way he hesitates. He knows he should push Alex away because Henry isn’t his problem, not anymore—however his desperation for comfort overtakes him, and he grips Alex’s forearms. That hesitation dissipates immediately, and strong arms envelop his abdomen and the tip of Alex’s nose grazes the back of Henry’s ear. He revels in the warmth of Alex’s chest pressing against his back—a sensation he never thought he’d feel again.
Alex holds him silently even after he’s no longer crying. He tries his best to gather his thoughts, building up the courage to tell Alex about what happened. Alex went through all this trouble just to make sure Henry would be okay, so the least he can do is provide him an explanation.
“I had a really shitty day,” Henry mumbles, his voice still a little wet.
Alex replies gently. “Yeah, I figured.”
“No, I mean- before this happened,” he corrects.
“Why?”
“I was just having a bad day.”
“Like, a bad day, bad day?” Alex asks, understanding the real meaning behind his words. Henry nods. “Oh.”
“And I also …” Henry trails off, wondering if saying what he wants to say is a bad idea.
“You what?”
“I was missing you.” Alex is silent at his words, so he just continues. “And I went out for a drink to clear my head but then some guy came up to me and started hitting on me.” Henry takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “I tried to decline his advances but instead of taking the hint he shoved me into an alley and started taking his pants off.”
“Shit, Hen,” Alex says, clearly distressed, hugging him a little tighter. “Did he … do I need to take you to a hospital?”
Henry shakes his head. “I was able to fight him off before he could even get his belt undone. Definitely didn’t get away unscathed though,” Henry chuckles, but there’s no humor in it.
“God, I’m so sorry, Henry. I should’ve been there, I should’ve protected-”
“No, Alex. You shouldn’t have.”
Alex frowns, his grip on Henry’s torso loosening a bit. “What d’ya mean?”
Henry turns around, moving away from Alex’s grip so they’re now facing each other. “I broke up with you, Alex!” Henry snaps, feeling undeserving of the kindness Alex has been treating him with. “How could you think it was your responsibility to be there to protect me when I was the one who broke up with you ? You have no obligation to help me let alone be so kind to me, it’s just- it’s not right!”
“H-” Alex tries to cut in, but Henry doesn’t let him.
“This doesn’t make any sense, Alex. You should hate me for how I ended things! Why don’t you hate me?” he asks, desperation lacing his voice.
“How could I hate you?” Alex asks incredulously. “How could I hate you after you showed me what true happiness feels like? Being with you brought me to life in a way I didn’t think was possible. Even if I wanted to, I don’t have it in me to hate you, baby. Even if you don’t want to be with me.” Alex’s voice gets quiet at the end of his sentence, a tinge of pain seeping into this tone.
“But that’s the thing, Alex,” he blurts out before he can stop himself, a tear escaping his eye. “I do want to be with you. So fucking badly.”
Alex frowns and stares directly into Henry’s eyes. The latter can’t decipher what’s going through his head. “What?” the brunette finally says. “But- you broke up with me …”
“I broke up with you because I’m not good for you,” Henry admits.
“How on earth did you come to that conclusion?” Alex says, baffled.
Henry looks down at his lap, fidgeting with his signet ring. “You deserve someone who isn’t going to bring you down. Y-You have this- this fire in you, Alex, it’s what makes you so perfect. Your passion, your drive, how much you care—and being with me is only going to dull your flame. Breaking up with you was the only way I knew how to protect you.”
Alex is shaking his head before Henry even finishes talking. “Where in the fuck did you get the idea that being with you ‘dulls my flame’, H?” Alex grabs both of Henry’s hands in his. “Because, believe me when I say, ever since I met you, I’ve never felt so alive . My entire life, I’ve been made to feel like I’m too much, yet not enough. But you always made me feel like I was enough, like I was just right. You think you’re dulling my flame but it’s the opposite. Being with you adds fucking gasoline to my flame, Hen!” Henry chuckles a little at that. “Okay that didn’t really make sense but you know what I mean, Hen,” Alex says with a small chuckle of his own.
“I know what you mean,” Henry affirms. However, his smile fades by the time he opens his mouth again. “You have to understand though, Alex. I have depression. And that’s not something that can be fixed. And I don’t want you to worry about me when I have depressive episodes and-”
“Wait, that’s what this is about?” Alex interrupts realization covering his features. “Your depression?”
Henry nods. “Being around me long enough is going to be bad for you, Alex. I just know it.”
Alex looks up at the ceiling with a frustrated sigh, tears welling up in his eyes when he looks back at him. “You could never be bad for me, Henry. I really don’t think so.” The brunette squeezes his hands a little tighter. “But I do know that not being with you is definitely bad for me.”
Henry sniffles. “But you’ll move on, though. Eventually, you’d move on. You’re better off without me.”
Alex scoffs, shaking his head. “If you think I’ll ever be able to love someone else after I know what it’s like to be loved by you, then you’re kidding yourself. I might move forward, find someone else, but I wouldn’t move on, Henry. I’ll never be able to love someone like I love you.”
Henry’s gaze snaps to meet Alex’s. “You … love me?”
Alex nods, grinning despite the tear tracks on his face. “I do. I love you. I fucking love the shit out of you, Hen. And I’ll keep saying it until you believe me.”
Henry doesn’t even register the fact that he’s pulled Alex into a kiss until the other man is kissing him back. It’s desperate, filled with love and pain and passion, and at this moment, nothing matters but Alex’s lips on his. Their lips stay connected until the two of them have no choice but to break apart to breathe.
Stupid lungs.
No matter how much he wants to think that he should continue to stay away from Alex, that staying away is the right thing to do, he still finds himself replying with an “I believe you, Alex,” as they pant against one another, catching their breaths. Because deep down, he knows he can’t stay away. He knows he couldn’t have kept it up. And with the brunette doing everything in his power to make Henry stay … he just can’t fight it anymore.
And more importantly—he doesn’t want to.
“I believe you,” he repeats, resting his forehead against Alex’s. The other man lets out a laugh in disbelief and reconnects their lips.
Henry knows they need to talk more about this. They need to talk about what this means for them, for their relationship. They need to have a more in-depth conversation about everything that’s happened, and he’s sure Alex knows this too.
But that doesn’t stop them from making love before they do so.
Feeling Alex’s body against his, feeling his warmth, his breath on his skin, and running his hands through Alex’s hair once again, tracing circles on the brunette’s chest when they’re finished, it feels like coming home.
“Hen?” Alex says when their post-orgasmic haze begins to subside, his nails grazing back and forth over Henry’s shoulder.
“Yes, darling?”
“What … What are we?” Alex’s tone is more timid than Henry’s ever heard it.
Henry sighs, feeling guilty for ever making Alex question his love for him. He props himself up on his elbow so he’s hovering over Alex. “I want to be boyfriends again—if-if you want that too, of course.”
Alex beams, a wide smile spreading across his face. “Of course I fucking want that,” he replies, smashing his lips into Henry’s before he can react. He smiles into the kiss, Alex following soon after.
Alex breaks away with a chuckle, and now it’s Henry’s turn to follow, joy radiating off of him as he chuckles too.
“I love you,” he says, caressing Alex’s cheekbone with the pad of his thumb.
Alex brings their foreheads together, cradling Henry’s face like he’s the most precious thing to ever exist. “I love you too, baby. So much.”
As he gazes into his boyfriend’s eyes—not ex-boyfriend, but boyfriend—relishing in the comfort of finally being back in Alex’s presence, he notices a torch beginning to illuminate the darkness within him once again.
The darkness will always be there, but with Alex’s torch there to light the way, he knows he’ll be able to navigate it.