Chapter Text
A quiet knock came from behind them. Waverly turned her head and saw Brigitte standing just inside the doorway.
“The funeral home is here,” she said softly, “They can wait if you want some more time with her?”
“Oh, um” Waverly voiced quietly, looking at Nicole who hadn’t moved an inch in hours as she stayed staring a head, holding Haley’s hand. When she saw no acknowledgement of the question from her, she answered, “Maybe just a few more minutes?”
Brigitte nodded her understanding and turned to leave-
“No,” Nicole suddenly said, stopping the woman in her tracks. She cleared her throat and sat up straighter, “No it’s ok. They can come.”
Waverly ran her hand over her shoulder, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” Nicole said, gently laying Haley’s hand back down on the mattress and pulling the blanket up, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
X
Waverly wasn’t sure what to do.
Nicole had watched, wordless and unreadable from the corner as the crew carefully and professionally handled Haley’s body with care. Moving only to sign the form presented to her, which Brigitte also added her signature to as the medical professional who officially pronounced her passing. Then Alicia somberly led them back out of the house to close the door behind them.
Waverly had been so young when their father died, she didn’t really remember much about the time directly after.
Seeing these moments happening in real time, she was struck hard by how clinical it all was. How quiet.
Due in large part, she suspected by Nicole’s continued silence. Not a sound; none of the sobs nor tears that had been so present during the night. The woman had only stood there, watching the process like a sentry keeping watch.
Once they were gone, Brigitte turned to Nicole once more, sympathy painted on like makeup.
“If there’s anything- “
“No,” Nicole cut in quickly, the first word she’d said in a while, “No thanks. You can-You can collect your things and go whenever you’re ready. I know the live-in contract was through next month so…no rush, whatever you need to do.”
Brigitte nodded speaking a quiet ‘ok’ in response. Kind enough not to mention how ambitiously optimistic the original contract had been for the length of time Haley would require her care.
“I can be out by tonight if you’re sure you don’t need anything,” she explained, “If you have any questions about what happens next. Some families find it helpful to hear.”
Nicole just shook her head.
“You’re fine,” she answered, “Um I’ll send payment for the rest of the contract.”
She glanced at Waverly for a moment and then turned to leave the room. Pausing at the door, she took a breath before looking at Brigitte again.
“Thank you for taking care of her as long as- “a hitch in her breath interrupted the words before she continued, “for as long as you could.”
“Of course,” she answered with a nod.
Nicole left the room, the two women watching her go. When she was gone, Waverly took a breath of her own and looked to the nurse.
“You said you can answer questions?” she asked nervously, going on after receiving a confirming nod, “You’ve seen this before, helped families with their loss. Do you know how- “she shook her head a bit, wringing her fingers in front of her stomach, “What helps? What helps a person after something like this? How can you make sure they’re ok?”
The blonde took a moment before responding.
“The truth is there is no magic answer,” she told her, “Everyone’s different. Everyone handles grief differently. The common factor for them all is just let her know you’re there and be there.”
X
She found Nicole later in the day shut away in the office. Sitting in the chair, chin pinched between her fingers, staring at a spread of pages on the desk in front of her. Waverly worries that she wanted to be left alone were eased when she’d gently knocked on the door and heard her voice welcoming her to come inside.
Waverly entered slowly, holding a cup of tea. Alicia had kindly told Waverly it was Nicole’s favorite kind when she found her in the kitchen preparing the kettle.
“I made you some tea,” Waverly said, holding up the cup.
“Thanks,” she mumbled, accepting it and taking a sip,
“Are you hungry? I can make you something,” she suggested.
Neither of them had eaten yet that day, though Waverly suspected that much like herself, Nicole probably didn’t have much of an appetite yet. She figured it was reasonable for now but would make sure not to let it become a trend in the following days.
“Maybe later,” Nicole answered, “I’m good with the tea, thanks.”
Waverly moved to stand behind the chair and leaned down to wrap her arms loosely around Nicole’s neck.
“You don’t have to thank me,” she said, pressing a kiss on top of her head, “I’m happy to take care of you however I can.”
Nicole hummed, curling a hand around Waverly’s forearm and letting it hang there as she tilted her head back to look up at her. Not saying anything for a few moments as she stayed looking into her eyes.
“You know, I keep waiting for something to happen,” she told her, “To have a breakdown. To fall apart. It’s like I don’t have it in me to do it after last night.”
Waverly’s arms tightened a bit, reaffirming her presence. Steady. Loving. There.
“Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t broken down yet,” she continued, “But another part…I think I spent so long not knowing if she was alive or dead, and then having her here but not here, it feels almost like…like a relief? Does that make me an awful person?”
“No,” Waverly answered, putting another kiss into her hair, “Baby, it doesn’t make you awful. It makes you human. A human who’s been stuck in a grey space about this for so long. Having a sure answer, of course part of you would feel relieved. It’s like…like when someone is sick for a long time without an answer to why and then getting a diagnosis. It could be a scary, bad answer but it’s an answer. There’s always some amount of relief in finally knowing something for sure.”
Nicole hummed again, accepting the answer, “That makes me feel a little better about it.”
“Good,” Waverly said with the smallest smile. Her eyes then going to the desk to see what Nicole was looking at when she came in, “What are you doing?”
“Oh, some legal stuff, accounts in Haley’s name. Trying to get an idea of everything that needs to be done now. That and,” Nicole said, grabbing the larger than normal page that looked like a mapped-out area, “my family, they, uh, they have burial plots. My dad bought a bunch of them around his parents and grandparents. ‘Family doesn’t end because life does,” she put on a deeper voice as she quoted her father, a slight smirk twitching at her lips as she did, “Figure I should get moving on decisions and arrangements for a service.”
“Nicole, you don’t have to do this right away.”
“I know I don’t,” she replied with a firm nod, “But I think Haley spent enough time in her own grey space, the least I can do is move quickly to let her finally rest.”
“You’re sweet,” Waverly said, coming one hand through her hair, “As long as you’ won’t push yourself to do anything you’re not ready for.”
The kneejerk promise that she wouldn’t was on the tip of her tongue in response, ready to be spoken allowed. However, she stopped herself before giving them life. Instead taking a moment before giving a more honest reply.
“I promise I’ll try not to,” she said instead, a more truthful promise.
“That’s all I ask,” Waverly said, resting her chin on Nicole’s shoulder, “And when you forget, I’ll be there. Taking care of you, even if I have to drag your ass away from this chair and into bed.”
A small chuckle left Nicole and she turned her head to place a kiss on Waverly’s cheek. She looked back down at the diagram.
“I think here,” she pointed to one of the designated outlines on the map, “It’s near a nice sycamore. When we were kids, I was always too scared to climb higher than the first branch, but Haley never was. She would climb as high as possible. You want to know what she told me when I said I was scared?”
Waverly nodded happily.
“She said, ‘It feels higher than it is, because your eyes are in your head. If your eyes were in your feet, it wouldn’t look as high. Pretend your eyes at your feet.”
“That…” Waverly started, “is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Yeah,” she chuckled to herself with a shrug, “She was right though. Perspective changes everything, doesn’t it?”
“It sure does,” Waverly said, looking at the map again and speaking softer, “It’s a good spot. I think she’d like it.”
“Yeah,” Nicole whispered.
Waverly reached over her, gently taking the page from her hand and setting back on the desk. She then unhooked her arms from around her and stood up straight, grabbing the back of the chair and guiding it to spin around to face her.
“I think, maybe one big decision is enough for tonight,” she suggested.
Nicole raised her eyebrows as Waverly grabbed one of her hands and took a step back so that Nicole’s arm was extended.
“Is this you dragging my ass away from this chair?”
“If I need to, don’t forget I know exactly how long you’ve been awake,” her teasing tone turned serious for the next bit, “I know you mentioned feeling relief and being ready to let Haley rest, but I know how hard this is for you, too. And I know the next few days will be just as hard if not harder. So please, let this be enough tonight. Take a hot shower and have an early night. Try to get as much sleep as you can, there’s plenty of time tomorrow for more decisions to be made.”
Nicole looked back over the desk once more before turning back to Waverly.
“Ok,” she eventually said and then stood. She stepped close and wrapped her arms around Waverly, resting her chin on top of her head and let out a soft sigh, “Decisions later.”
X
Nicole did as Waverly suggested.
She took a long hot shower, bringing Waverly in to share it with her. Though the intimacy shared under the water was kept strictly to gently washing one another and a lengthy, comforting embrace beneath the hot stream of water. Though Nicole spoke about her relief and her lack of big reaction, Waverly could feel the grief in her body. In the way she folded over Waverly and held her close with hands weighed down by the ache of loss.
After their shower, they dried off and went through their respective night routines and got in bed together. Nicole laid on her back, arm wrapped around Waverly as she settled in against her chest after a shared kiss goodnight. Nicole stayed still, purposely slowing her breathing to offer herself up to slumber. It wasn’t terribly long before she felt the weight and steady breaths against her that told her Waverly had succumbed to her own exhaustion.
A quick bout of guilt clipped her chest, knowing how tired she had to have been after staying up with Nicole through the previous night at Haley’s side. She pushed it aside and slowed her own breathing purposely, calling out for her own sleep to come to her. However, despite the exhaustion she felt deep in her bones, the sleep didn’t come just yet. She couldn’t stop thinking about their conversation in the office.
About decisions.
There were many to be made, but her mind was focused solely on one.
Waiting a few more minutes, letting herself really think on it and come to terms with it, she then carefully moved Waverly’s arm from where it was draped over her and sliding away an inch at a time. She continuously paused to make sure she wasn’t waking her girlfriend until she was safely out of bed.
Keeping her eyes on the sleeping woman, she grabbed her phone from the charging dock and padded from the room. She made her way downstairs to ensure the risk of being heard was nonexistent and took a seat on the couch. From somewhere nearby, she heard a rolling meow from Calamity Jane a few seconds before the cat hopped up on the couch beside her.
Nicole gave her a full body pet, ending with some light scratches at the base of her tail that the cat instantly reacted to. She kept one hand moving gently through her long fur while the other scrolled through her phone to find the contact she sought. Once she came to it, she took a deep breath and pressed on it, the screen immediately changing to show the call was initiated.
It rang twice before a voice came through.
“Captain Dolls.”
“Captain,” she started, “It’s Nicole Haught. Forgive me, I didn’t check what the time change was before calling, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
“Miss Haught,” he greeted, “No worries at all, we’re well into the morning. Matter of fact your timing is rather perfect, we’re roughly two hours from wheels up for the next leg of our search. We’re moving further west to the next pocket of coordinates based on the current patterns I outlined in my last email. What can I do for you?”
Nicole opened her mouth but felt it close on its own accord. Her eyes moving to focus on Calamity Jane as the cat pressed her head with a bit more force into Nicole’s hand, indicating she wanted more pets where Nicole hadn’t realized she had stopped the action.
“Miss Haught?” he asked, voice holding a tinge of concern as the silence stretched on.
“Yes, I’m here.”
“Did you need to tell me something?” he asked, “Do you have a thought on another area to search?”
“No, no nothing like that.”
“What is it then? Is something the matter?”
Nicole took in a long deep breath and then said the words.
“You can stop.”
“Pardon?” he asked with expertly concealed surprise.
“The search. For my parents,” she elaborated, “I’m calling it off.”
A round of silence came, hanging around a beat longer than normal in a phone conversation.
“I see.”
Nicole cleared her throat, an odd feeling of weight lifting once the words were finally out.
“The final payment will be transferred this week,” she informed him, adding shakily, “Please pass on to your team that I’m-I’m forever grateful to all of you for everything you’ve done.”
“Of course,” he agreed, waiting a second before asking, “Before I give the order, I have to ask: Are you certain in this decision?”
“I am,” she nodded against the phone, “It’s time…It’s time to let everyone rest.”
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