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Siegfried hoped that he would never live a week as taxing as the one he’d just had ever again. There was Carmody being an endless challenge, the broken sink, several night calls after several fully booked days, digging his hands into a calf’s stomach which he had almost left to die in his exasperation, Helen moving out and then moving back in, and, not to mention, playing her midwife in her barn to see if her baby was living. What hell this week would’ve been if he hadn’t found a heartbeat.
All those things Siegfried could’ve managed fine if it weren’t for the turmoil he’d gone through with Audrey.
He set his book aside, giving up on attempting to read. It wasn’t doing anything to aid his insomnia. All he could think of was her notice and the ad he’d posted in the paper and all the things he’d said. It had come sooner than he’d expected, but that kiss he’d spied between her and Gerald definitely wasn’t their first. As much as he cared for her, he never truly appreciated everything she did for him. All he did was be guilty and jealous and pine and bargain and–
Siegfried pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, ceasing the thoughts. It was fine. She rescinded her notice. Things between her and Gerald were over, at least that’s how it seemed. She was not going anywhere
Why wasn’t he dancing in joy? Why didn’t he believe it? Why did he feel like he was about to break out in hives?
He’d almost lost her. And he’d done his best to face it admirably, but it had been a sorry affair.
He was nothing if not obstinate.
The floorboards creaked and he startled upright, pulling his hands away from his face. He saw Audrey framed in the doorway just as surprised as he was. There were tear tracks on her face. She quickly wiped them away and pulled her robe closed over her nightgown and Siegfried felt his cheeks heat. He focused his attention on tying his own robe shut.
“You’re awake,” she said chipperly, as though it was dawn. He was reminded of when she used to find him like this in the early days when he was grieving Evelyn. They would carry on as though nothing was wrong. He never once considered how that mindless blabbering drained her, never questioned what kept her up in the night. Her notice had shed light on that.
“So are you.”
She stepped into the den, her shadow stretched behind her. “Just came to grab some water.” Her eyes were rimmed in red. He wondered how many times he’d missed that.
“Is everything all right?” He hesitantly ventured. Of course it bloody wasn’t.
But of course Audrey just nodded and turned to leave.
Siegfried’s guilt possessed him and he jumped to his feet. “It isn’t too late.” She paused. He stuck his nose in her business further. “Gerald would forgive you in an instant. And I would understand…”
He was the reason she stayed, wasn’t it? But it was not paired with the sentiment he wanted. She had her notice ready before Helen said she was moving home. Audrey with her benevolent heart had pitied the thought of him here alone. So she’d changed her plans. To spare him.
But there was no point for it now with Helen back. He wouldn’t really be alone any longer. Especially with a baby on the way. And James and Tristan would return, God willing.
As much as he couldn’t bear the thought of Audrey leaving, it would be worse to live with the knowledge that she’d wasted her chance at happiness for nothing.
“You don’t think I made the right decision?” She stepped forward and he saw the weight of it all in her eyes. It stopped it from doing anything stupid, from begging her to never leave. He had the sense after all these years to know what he wanted wasn’t necessarily what was right.
“You sounded so certain in your letter.” The words came out just as hurt as he felt. She shifted on her feet. Her eyes fixed to the clock.
A whole page of her letter had thanked him for her time here at Skeldale, for taking on a disgraced woman, as though hiring her had been a charity case. Both of them were alone at the time and he had thought it would be nice to have someone around who wouldn’t prattle on about their spouse and family. She’d had the guts to admit his tea was rubbish and then Tristan had come in with scraped knees and she’d gone right to mending them. Good help wasn’t hard to find, but no one else was Audrey.
But she was ready for “a new chapter of her life,” those were her words. She didn’t once mention Gerald or the Lakes, but that’s what the implication was, wasn’t it? He wasn’t privy to that next turn of the page. She was ready to leave him behind. And he would be an ass to stand in her way, voluntarily or involuntarily.
It was becoming more obvious by the moment that he was the charity case here.
Chimes filled the silence. It rang out twice.
“The letter helped me decide to stay.” She brushed her braid over her shoulder and crossed her arms. “My life’s been upended by a man I loved once before. And it wasn’t by choice.”
She met Seigfried’s gaze. “But choosing to do the same for Gerald didn’t make it feel any easier. I’ve built a home for myself here and I don’t want to leave it.”
He felt his shoulders sag and tears threatened to well in his eyes. He wished he had an ounce of her wisdom. He wished he could ease her pain. He wished he could tell her how he really felt. But who was he to take away the safety of this haven for her?
Her life has never been about him and Siegfried never wanted her to change it for him.
So he’d have to be satisfied with things as they were. Back to normal or as close as they could get with a war going on. Bickering about this and that, pretending not to see each other at their most vulnerable, sharing meals and stories. A housekeeper and her employer. Nothing more. No matter how his heart hurt. No matter how much he hoped.
“This will always be your home.”