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Neil would say the best night of his life was five years ago, on December 15, 1978, when he performed in the Henley Hall’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream as Puck. The night he finally stopped living for his father and started living for himself.
The joy was short-lived, however, because, the next day, his father took him out of Welton and enrolled him in military school in New Hampshire. He didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to his friends.
Military school was gruesome on him. There were some days he didn’t think he would make it. There were many where he thought about ending it to take care of that. But he kept going. He made some friends there, which helped a lot.
He was already there for three years when, one night, hours after lights out, his bunk mate, John, shook him awake. He had two stuffed duffel bags beside him.
“You wanna get out of here for good?” He whispered. He had an audacious glint in his eyes that Neil always liked because it reminded him of Charlie.
They slipped out of the door and out the back of the building. The crunch of the grass and their breathing was all Neil could hear as they walked. He prayed to God no one would hear them, because the punishment would surely be tremendous.
When they reached the fence, Neil looked to John. “It’s electric,” he said. John walked up to the fence and put his hand on it, but did not get shocked. “Already taken care of!” Neil grinned. Did he even want to know what John did to it?
They climbed it, making too much noise for Neil’s liking. Surely, a guard would be coming any second. On the other side of the fence, John threw him one of the duffel bags. “Now run!” He yelled.
And they did. They ran for what felt like forever. Neil’s lungs burned, but he kept going, every step away from the building a step closer to freedom.
——
They stopped at a little town with a 24-hour diner lit up. They bent over, breathing in air so hard it hurt a little. With shaky legs, they entered the establishment.
The diner only had two or three tables occupied and was the classic architecture from the fifties. The hanging lights were dim and there was a radio playing faintly from the counter.
Once seated in a booth, John picked up the menu and started looking it over.
Neil laughed and waved his hand. “How are you going to pay for that, John?” He knows for a fact that John is not a responsible money-owner and does not have savings.
He met Neil’s eyes over the menu and smiled. “I have my ways.”
Neil rolled his eyes. Whatever that means. He picked up his own menu, feeling all the hunger from running and the shitty food at the academy.
They ate until their stomachs felt like they would burst, relishing in the feeling of a proper meal after so long.
The waiter came over to refill their water cups and she looked at the table. “Wow,” she said. “You two were really starving.”
John nodded, looking crestfallen. “Yes, miss. Since our parents kicked us out of the house, we’ve been living off the streets, so it’s very difficult to find good food.”
The waiter gasped. “You poor things.” She looked to be contemplating something. “Why don’t I put this on the house? Don’t even worry about it.” She took their plates and smiled.
Neil laughed. “Was that your plan?”
John nodded. “Indeed.”
Neil scoffed. “You just got lucky.”
“Whatever, stop being so uptight and just enjoy the fact that we got good food. You sound like that friend, Cameron, you told me about.” Neil smiled at that.
They exited the diner and John sighed. “Well, that’s as far as my plan went. What’s yours?”
Neil looked at him, incredulous. “I don’t have one! You woke me up in the middle of the night to get out. I’m following you.”
“Well, shit.” John kicked a rock around, trying to figure something out.
He didn’t and they ended up on a park bench. Neither of them were tired so they just talked until morning.
Sometime around noon, a group of guys came up to them. At first, Neil thought they were going to get robbed, but instead, they asked if he and John wanted to join their organization. Neil wasn’t too sure what it was for, but John seemed excited about it. The group said they’d have a home and access to essential needs. He looked to Neil for permission and Neil nodded. Of course, he’d be sad to see John go, but he couldn’t be the one to hold him back.
John took his hand in a firm shake and gave him a single nod. “It’s been nice knowing you, Perry. ‘Til we meet again!” he said, turning to the group.
——
Neil was really in for shit, completely alone. He walked around the town for most of the day, taking in the life in it. He briefly wondered if the academy was looking for them. Hopefully they were far away enough to not get caught.
Outside a small market, Neil sat on the curb, his legs tired. He had changed into civilian clothes at some point in the day. A man came up to him. “Are you lost?” he asked. Neil looked up and squinted from the glare of the sun, giving him a once-over. He had a beer belly and stains on his shirt. He was also about forty. “Not exactly,” he answered. “Wanna come back with me, then?” Neil knew, in this situation, he should always say no, but when was the next time he’d have a proper bed again? He didn’t want to risk it, so he nodded and stood up to follow the guy to his car.
On the road, he offered Neil a cigarette, which he took. It felt good after all this time.
“So where do you come from?” The guy asked.
“Vermont.”
“Vermont? Then what are you doing out here by yourself?”
Neil considered lying, using John’s story with the waitress. Would this guy turn him in if he says he ran away from military school?
“Parents kicked me out.”
The guy nodded along and that was it. No follow up questions. He focused on driving and Neil listened to the radio. Neil looked down at his leg when he felt something warm on it. It was the guy’s hand.
He blew out smoke and prayed to God that he was making the right decision.
——
Now, Neil lives with the guy—Malcolm—full time.
It’s not ideal. Malcolm calls him weird things like “my pet” and “pretty baby”. He also drinks a lot, sitting in front of the television most of the time. Neil cooks their meals and cleans the apartment, like a housewife. He doesn’t have a job, something about Malcolm getting disability checks every month. The only semblance of thanks is sex every other day, but it’s not really for him. Malcolm is only looking to please himself.
It could be worse, Neil supposes. Malcolm could be hitting him instead.
Who is he kidding, Neil is miserable. Sometimes he wonders if it would have been better to go with John.
The highlight of Neil’s week is grocery shopping. He gets to take the car and actually get out of the apartment. Sometimes, he’ll take the long way home just to have a few more minutes to himself.
It was that time again. He checks the list and lets Malcolm know he’s leaving.
——
He’s in the produce section when it happens. He looks up and Todd is standing there, inspecting the bananas. Neil has to pinch himself to make sure he isn’t dreaming. He isn’t. It’s really Todd.
He hasn’t seen Todd since their Welton days. He hasn’t really changed. If anything, just less skinny. Neil can’t bring himself to walk up to him, his legs stuck to the floor. He’s brought out of his staring when an old lady taps him on the shoulder. “You’re in the way of the lettuce, dear.” He apologizes and moves out of the way.
Todd moves onto the aisles and Neil follows him, not wanting to lose sight. He ends up following Todd throughout the whole store, completely forgetting his own shopping. The issue is when they get into the parking lot. Should Neil go to him now or let him get away, possibly forever?
He decides on neither and gets into his own car, keeping a good distance behind Todd. He feels guilty and a bit like a creep for doing this, but at least it’s his best friend and not a stranger. Well. Are they still best friends? Neil was there one day and gone the next. What if Todd hated him? What if Todd forgot about him? He couldn’t think about that now. He was already too far in to turn back.
Todd lives on the fourth floor of a quaint apartment building. Neil watches him until the apartment door closes.
For the next few weeks, Neil repeats the address of Todd in his mind, not wanting to forget it. He doesn’t write it down, in case Malcolm finds it and asks. He can’t believe how close Todd is to him! Neil didn’t think he’d able to see any of his friends after military school, but here he is, just thirty minutes from Neil’s house.
This gives Neil a newfound hope. Maybe he isn’t stuck in this life forever.
——
On a Thursday after dinner, Malcolm is watching the television and opening his fourth beer of the night when Neil goes to shower. Tonight is the night, he thinks. Tonight I get out.
Out of the shower, he goes to clean up the kitchen when Malcolm calls him. “Come ‘ere, darling,” he slurs. Neil grimaces, but walks to him. He thought over the years he’d get used to the names, but they still make him feel dirty every time. Malcolm pats his lap and Neil sits. “You’re so pretty, you know that?” He whispers and gropes Neil’s leg, not taking his eyes off of the television. “Your breath reeks of alcohol, Malcolm.” But Malcolm just laughs.
In ten minutes, he’s passed out. Neil peels his arms off of him and gets up. He takes the few sentimental things he owns and puts them in a bag. At the door, Neil pauses. He looks back at the apartment. He was so terrible for this, he thinks, just leaving with no word. Sure, it hasn’t been ideal, but Malcolm gave him a house and food and didn’t ask for much. He walks back to Malcolm and kisses his head before walking out the door, shutting it behind him.
Neil has to leave the car since it’s Malcolm’s, so he takes the bus. It’s nine at night, and he hopes Todd is still eager to get home as early as possible like he was in Welton years.
From the bus stop, it’s a five minute walk to the apartment building. Neil didn’t plan for the wind to be so biting and his single jacket is not enough to keep him warm.
Neil is staring at the familiar door—the 412 staring back at him. He lifts his hand to knock, but stops. What if Todd doesn’t live alone? Or what if he says he doesn’t want to see Neil again and he has to go back to Malcolm? No. Those are the anxiety thoughts. Neil knocks and waits.
The door opens and there is Todd. His face is completely blank and Neil can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing. Neil smiles and that sets Todd into motion. “Neil, you’re— How— Uh, come in.” He move to the side to let Neil into the apartment.
They sit on the couch, not saying anything. It’s not uncomfortable, Todd is just processing. “Well,” he starts. “How are you?” Neil perks up. “Good,” he responds instinctively, then slumps a little. “Actually, no. Not good. I.. I ran away.” Todd raises his eyebrows. “Ran away? From what?”
Neil tells him about Malcolm and how he couldn’t live there anymore. To give context, he also tells Todd how he started living with Malcolm and how he didn’t want to in the first place. That leads into telling Todd about the last five years of his life. Todd doesn’t say anything, nodding along, letting Neil say everything. When Neil is done, he looks at Todd expectantly for an answer, or really just anything. It takes a few seconds before Todd is hugging Neil. His arms are firm and warm around his middle and upper back. He tenses, but then reciprocates. Neil didn’t realize how much he’s needed a hug in these messy years. It’s a bonus that it’s from Todd.
Todd whispers, “I’m just glad you’re back.” And hell if those words don’t completely undo Neil. He starts to cry, really taking in the situation he’s gotten himself into. Todd doesn’t let go, he hugs tighter. Neil pulls away, wiping the rest of his tears. “Sorry,” he says meekly. Todd’s eyebrows pinch and he shakes his head. “No, don’t be sorry,” which reminds Neil of their captain and if he thinks about that any longer, he’ll cry again.
“Have you eaten yet?” Todd asks.
Neil shakes his head. “I’ll make something for you. It’ll only be a few minutes.”
He stands up and disappears through the doorway to the kitchen. Neil looks around, observing the room for the first time. It was very homely. There were many lamps lit in a soft orange and the walls were decorated with paintings and a few bookshelves. In the corner of the living room, a Beatles record plays quietly.
It is a little longer before Todd calls him to the dining table. The dish is a simple pasta. They eat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Neil speaks. “I didn’t ask how you have been. What have these five years been like for you?”
Todd starts talking about college and moving out of his house and into this apartment. Neil focuses on how he composes himself when he speaks. He seems sure of himself, confident that his words matter. Different from the boy in Welton. It is endearing when he stutters, though. Some habits he has kept. Neil felt warm in his chest to see this change. In their months together as roommates, Neil’s goal was to get him to this point. He was starting to break through the ice when he left. He’s proud to see Todd’s growth.
After dinner, in the kitchen, Neil notices another habit of his that has stuck. Todd’s face scrunches when he is thinking about something thoroughly. Neil knows to let him take his time. “I don’t want you to go back to Malcolm tonight. Or ever, really, but specifically tonight. Stay here.” Neil hadn’t considered that Todd could turn him away, so he is relieved they were on the same page. “Of course.” Todd’s face brightens.
“Great! I’ll take the couch and you take my bed-“
“No, Todd, I’ll take the couch. It’s your house.”
“But you’re the guest. And you have been through hell enough.”
“Why don’t we share the bed, then?” Neil doesn’t realize what he said until it was too late and Todd blushed slightly.
It is silent as they look at each other. “O-okay,” he says.
——
Since Neil only has his few belongings, he has to borrow sleep clothes from Todd.
Surprisingly, his time in military school had not given him as much muscle as he thought; he is still lean enough that Todd’s clothes easily slides around his shoulders.
Todd must notice it, too, because he stares at him when Neil is changing.
Both men stand awkwardly at either side of the bed. They shared beds in Welton once or twice, only when it was cold and the heater was acting up again, but this was different. There was no reason for them to.
Neil gets in first, and Todd follows. The mattress is much softer than Malcolm’s.
“Well, uh, goodnight, Todd.”
“Goodnight, Neil.” Todd clicks off the light and that seems to be the end of it.
——
Neil wakes to sunlight filtering in from the open curtains. He turns to the other side of the bed to find it empty. He frowns. He had been hoping Todd would still be in bed.
That is baffling. Recalling all the events of yesterday, Neil is shocked. He actually left and found Todd, and now he’s lying in his bed. His bed that is just as unruly as their Welton days. Neil laughs. Another habit that stuck, he supposes. Memories of Neil tirelessly trying to get Todd to tidy his side of the room with no success resurface in his mind.
——
Neil gets out of bed and walks into the main room as Todd is leaving the kitchen with two plates in his hands.
Todd smiles as a greeting. “Food’s ready.”
They sit across from each other like the night before.
“It’s not much of a breakfast because I wasn’t expecting any guests.” Todd stammers out.
Neil waves him off. “Don’t worry about it, Toddy.” Todd blushes at the use of the old nickname.
Halfway through chewing a bite, Neil feels eyes on him. He gets confirmation when he looks up to meet Todd’s eyes that were already looking in his direction. That is another habit from the teenage years that has stuck with him. Neil wipes his mouth and smiles slightly. “What is it?”
“Your hair is very messy from sleeping.”
Neil reaches a hand into his hair and Todd is right. There are pieces sticking up and to the side. They laugh and he tries to smooth it down. Todd looks as if he wanted to help. But maybe that’s Neil’s wishful thinking.
——
It’s a Saturday, so there is nowhere Todd needs to go. Neil will admit, it is a little awkward now that they have so many hours together with no plan. They can’t exactly pick up from when they were 17; it’s too different.
——
They’re trying to think of something to do when Todd speaks. “Won’t Malcolm be worried about you not being at home?”
Neil hadn’t really thought of that. He was solely focused on getting out when Malcolm was asleep. His eyes widen and he tries to say something, but the idea of Malcolm calling the cops and searching for him are stuck in his mind. A thought pangs Neil: would Malcolm even care enough to look for him? He’s assuming he was that important to Malcolm. Maybe he’d just find another guy to replace him. He can’t decide which is worse—being found or being forgotten. Todd grabs his hands and looks him in the eyes, taking him out of his thoughts. “It’s okay! I won’t let anyone take you from me again. Alright?” Neil nods.
Todd suggested watching some TV to take Neil’s mind off of it. Todd puts on a cooking show he has been fond of recently. It does help distract Neil. But while watching, Neil can’t help but look at Todd out of the corner of his eye. He still can’t really accept that he’s here with Todd, after five years, doing something as mundane as watching cooking shows. During military school, he didn’t know if he’d ever see Todd again. He spent so many days just pondering about what Todd was up to, how he was feeling. He missed him so badly he ached. And now he was here, so close Neil could reach out and touch him if he wanted to. And he does. He turns Todd’s face towards him gently. Todd looks at him, puzzled, but then Neil leans into his personal space and his face grows determined. Neil waits, giving Todd a chance to pull away, but when he doesn’t, Neil kisses him. He intended for it to be gentle and chaste, but then all the passion they had held onto for those five years bubbles to the surface and they get messier. This isn’t the first time they’ve kissed. There were a few in Welton, but they never spoke about it. It’s true what they say: distance makes the heart grow fonder. Neil’s heart is so fond it feels like it’s going to burst. He cups Todd’s face and deepens the kiss. This is much different from when he kisses Malcolm. With Malcolm, there is no desire. It’s simply because Malcolm wants it.
Needing air, Neil pulls away. Todd’s breath is labored as he rests against the couch. His lips are dark pink. Neil grins, knowing that was his doing. When Todd looks at Neil and doesn’t say anything, Neil is suddenly worried.
Should he have not done that? Maybe Todd was over him, leaving what they had in their teenage years.
But then Todd smiles. Smiles so wide his eyes scrunch up. And Neil sighs.
“Neil,” Todd says. He takes a moment before speaking again. “I’m so glad you did that because I’ve been wanting to since you stepped through the door.”
“I thought I was reading too much into it.” He chuckles, relieved, and kisses Todd chastely this time.
They return to the TV, giggling and holding hands like they are seventeen again. And that’s fine with Neil. It makes up for the moments they had taken away from them by outside forces.
——
Todd stiffens a little. “What is it?” Neil asks.
“The Poets! They have no clue you’re here!”
He’s right! Neil had been so focused on Todd these two days that he didn’t even think about anyone else. He tries to not feel guilty about that. Todd continues, “We should invite them over for lunch. Well, if you’re ready for that. I don’t want to overwhelm you so soon.”
Neil shakes his head. “You have no idea how I’ve missed them over these years.”
Todd smiles and goes to the landline in the kitchen. He takes out his little journal of phone numbers.
“So you still keep in touch with them?”
Todd nods. “Of course. After you disappeared, we stuck closer together, trying to figure out what really happened.” Neil looks at Todd, confused. “Oh. You don’t know? Your father said you just ran away. But we didn’t believe him.”
Neil smiled bitterly. “Of course he would.”
“We didn’t have much luck because the school wouldn’t let us talk to anyone.” He pauses. “At some point, we thought you were dead.”
Seeing the tears in Todd’s eyes, Neil strokes his cheek. “But I’m not,” he says softly. “I’m here with you now and, hopefully, we’ll be seeing the guys in a little bit.” He kisses Todd, who sighs. Todd dials all the numbers and, thankfully, everyone is free.
——
The Poets arrive soon after lunch is ready, clueless about who is waiting for them. Todd ushers them in as they arrive and asks them to sit down. Once they are all situated on the couch, Todd stands in front of them. Neil listens from the kitchen, anxiety bubbling in his stomach.
“Well, you must be curious as to why I called you all here on such short notice.” The Poets give a chorus of “yeah” and nods. Todd pokes his head into the kitchen and Neil comes out behind him. Neil stands beside Todd in front of the couch.
All five of the guys stare in silence. Neil watches their reactions closely, nervously.
“Hello,” he says. That one word from him and it’s like a switch was flipped. They all stand up and rush to him, saying “You’re alive!” and “What the fuck?” and “Neil!”
All except for one.
After Neil hugs each of them eagerly, he looks to Charlie still on the couch, who looks more frustrated than happy. “Charlie?” Neil prods hesitantly.
Charlie stands up and pushes Neil. He’s taken aback and stumbles a little. In the background, Cameron goes to grab Charlie, but Todd holds him back.
“You jerk!” Charlie shouts.
“Me?” Neil asks, defensively. “You see me after years and the first thing you say is I’m a jerk?
“Well, where the fuck have you been, Perry? Crap, we thought you died or something.”
“But I’m here now,” Neil offers placatingly, the same way he did with Todd in the kitchen.
Charlie’s expression turns from anger to exhaustion. He moves towards Neil again, but this time to hug him. Tight enough that Neil is almost lifted off the ground. He hugs back just as tightly, his heart breaking a little for his best friend.
“I thought you were gone, you dipshit.” Charlie says quietly, putting his hands in Neil’s hair. Neil, in turn, puts his face in Charlie’s neck, taking in the feeling of his hug. It’s still as comforting as it was years ago. Unbeknownst to them, the other guys watch on in silence, not wanting to interrupt their reunion.
When the two pull apart, Neil gets a good look at Charlie’s face. He has slight wrinkles in between his eyebrows and forehead. Neil smiles teasingly.
“You look old for so young.”
Charlie smiles back and nudges Neil’s head with his hand. “It’s because I was worrying about you, asshole.” He cradles Neil’s face.
The tension is gone from the room. Todd clears his throat and asks if anyone would like to eat now.
——
Lunch is spent by Neil answering the many, many questions The Poets have about everything—stuff Todd already knows. When their curiosities are satisfied, they move onto normal topics, like the latest project of Meeks and Pitts, Knox’s life as a lawyer. What throws Neil off is that Cameron says he and Charlie are together.
“What?” Neil asks incredulously. “I thought you guys hated each other.” He has many memories of the two arguing and the rest of them groaning in annoyance. Now they are in love?
“Times have changed, my boy,” Charlie says before kissing Cameron’s hand. Todd leans over to Neil and whispers, purposefully loud enough for everyone to hear, “They are always like this now and it’s sickening.” Charlie scoffs. “You’re just jealous, Toddy. You’ll find your person someday.” Todd and Neil look at each other, trying not smile. Neil makes a mental note that they still have to talk about what they are now.
——
The sun is starting to set when The Poets start to leave. They are all hesitant to go, though.
“I’ll still be here, tomorrow, guys. You can come back.” He shouldn’t say things like that when it’s not his apartment, but he can’t help himself. He looks at Todd, who nods in agreement.
“Same time tomorrow?” Meeks asks. They all agree.
——
It’s the end of the day now, Todd and Neil are getting into bed again, and Neil cannot stop smiling.
“What?” Todd asks, also smiling. “I can’t believe I’m with you all again. Just the other day, I was in a completely different situation.”
Todd kisses his temple. “Me neither.” His eyebrows pinch together. “You never did explain how you found me, though.”
Neil feels a slight panic. “Promise you won’t judge or kick me out?” He asks, both lightly and seriously.
“Oh, god, you have me worried. But go ahead.” Todd rests his head on Neil’s chest as he listens.
Neil explains the fateful day in the store and everything up to when he knocked on the door.
Todd laughs and smacks his chest softly. “Stalker!”
“You said you wouldn’t judge!” Neil chuckles.
“Right, right.” His laughter fades out. “Well, I suppose I can’t complain, since that brought you back to me.” He puts his arm around Neil’s chest.
“Exactly.” Neil kisses his temple and turns out the light.