Archive of Our Own ^beta

Pain. Hot, searing, and constantly traveling throughout his entire body. That was how Cal felt as soon as he fell through the icy crevices inside the Ilum caverns and plunged into the freezing pools of water underneath his feet. BD-1's metal legs wrapped around the leather strap of his vest, trying hard to raise him above the water level with no success. His body felt heavy, and his head hurt, the large gash on the side of his head contaminating the crystal clear water with a crimson impurity.

Cal's hands reached through the force, desperately trying to grab everything in their way while his body continued its descent into darkness. The air in his lungs began to fade, his left hand grabbing his side, trying to ease the waves of pain traveling through his ribs.

Keep your back straight! Don't hesitate! He heard a weak voice at the back of his head, the sound disturbingly familiar. A white light flashed in front of his eyes, replacing the dark, icy depths with a more cheerful and lively environment.

"Master Tapal's gonna punish you!" A child's voice echoed into the tall room, the tone incredibly condescending.

A dozen small Padawans stood around Cal, all eyes on him. He lowered his gaze, staring at the broken training lightsaber in his hands with deep confusion.

"No-no, he's not!" he yelled back, his voice cracking from the sudden outburst.

"Yes, he will!" The Twi'lek Padawan teased again, her lips almost reaching her ears from the big grin she sported on her face.

"Shut up, Ciryl! He didn't mean it!" Another Padawan interjected, his lips trembling while his eyes darted around nervously.

"What is going on here?" A deep voice resonated inside the training room. In the doorway stood master Tapal, his stature towering over all the small Padawans.

"Cal broke his lightsaber again!" Ciryl declared with a small giggle, her green eyes fixed on the redhead while she pointed at him with her finger.

Cal turned his head instantly, staring at his Master with wide eyes. His hands gripped the broken lightsaber hard, his lips set into a fine line.

"Tattletale!" The other Padawan yelled while Ciryl stuck her tongue at him, and assumed a more innocent façade as soon as the large Lasat was now in the middle of the room, his eyes firmly on Cal.

"What happened?" he lowered himself, his voice utterly gentle, while he eyed the small Padawan in front of him.

"Nothing. I thought I saw something, but I guess I was wrong..."

"See what?" Jaro grew closer, intrigued.

"I saw myself fighting in a different room, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone else...I think. I don't know," Cal creased his brows in frustration, clearly confused.

"Someone else? Interesting..." his Master placed a hand on his shoulder, and gave him a reassuring stare. "Tell me more."

"It was a Mikkian, green and tall. She was pretty..." Cal smiled sheepishly.

"Very interesting indeed..." Master Tapal rose to his feet. "Everyone is dismissed. I wish to speak with Cal alone." he waved his hand in the air as the small Padawans all began departing the room.

Ciryl was the last one to leave, and she turned as soon as she was at the threshold and gave Cal a smug smile. He glared at her, and she stuck her tongue out again, mocking him.

As soon as she was gone, Master Tapal invited Cal to have a seat on the benches near him, eyeing him with kindness.

"How long have you had these visions, Cal?" he asked.

"A few weeks... I don't have them every day, but sometimes when I feel stressed, or tired...they happen."

"And have you been able to control them?"

"Control them? How? I don't even know what they are!" Cal asked with curiosity, staring at his Master with big, green eyes.

"Do not despair, my young Padawan. I understand this might feel scary for you, as all things foreign are, but I assure you, you are safe from harm."

"You know what's happening?"

"I believe you might have the rare gift of psychometry, Cal. It is such a unique power among Jedi that I have yet to encounter another Padawan with it."

"Psychometry...what's that?" Cal's eyes widened again, and he stared at his master with deep confusion.

"Every time you touch an object, if you concentrate hard enough, you might feel an echo in the force. This gift of yours allows you to see into the past, and feel the object's history. Like that other Padawan you saw yourself as, at the training session."

Cal gave a quick nod, yet remained silent as Master Tapal continued to speak.

"Now that I have been made aware of this power, it is my duty as your Master to teach you how to control it, Cal. Psychometry is as rare as it is dangerous to an untrained mind. The visions might trigger involuntarily, and you might lose your advantage and your safety should they happen in the middle of a battle."

Jaro Tapal's voice echoed in the room as Cal lowered his head, absorbing his words. A power such as this could distract him when he least expected it, and he slowly began to understand just how true his Master's words really were.

The touch of a warm, soft hand caressing his cheek, made him flinch, and the room suddenly began to crumble around him. Fingers intertwined with the hair at the nape of his neck made his body shudder, the touch delicate and comforting.

"Cal?"

"Master?... M-mother?" his voice distorted into a different one, higher pitched yet somewhat strangely familiar.

"I told you not to wander among these ruins, child! It is dangerous to be out here all alone!" The Mother's voice felt stern yet also kind, filled with compassion.

"I am sorry, Mother. I never meant to leave the coven alone." The small voice grew louder, her eyes staring at the intricate tattoos on her fingers with a small hint of confusion.

"Are you alright, Merrin?" the Mother grew closer, eyeing her with concern.

"Yes, I am alright..." she replied, wiping a small tear at the corner of her eye with her sleeve.

"Come along, child. Our sisters are waiting for us. Tonight is a special night."

"Really?"

"Yes. Tonight we shall set our clan free from those who seek to harm us."

"I wish to help you, Mother..."

"All in time, sweet child. For now, I have a more important mission for you. One that only you can accomplish," the Mother guided Merrin to their village, her hand never leaving Merrin's shoulder.

Merrin observed as a handful of tall Nightsisters passed in front of her, their red garments flowing in the wind as they circled the main temple. One of them gave Merrin a sly smile before she resumed her duties.

The Mother placed a small wooden block in one of Merrin's hands. She placed a thin, sharp knife in her other one and gave her a gentle smile. Before her eyes, a holopicture of an elderly man with white hair and a long beard appeared.

"See this man, Merrin?" The Mother pointed toward the holopicture and said, "I require your help with recreating his likeness from that piece of wood."

"Will this help, Mother? To protect our clan?" Merrin asked with uncertainty in her voice.

"Of course. With your assistance, our clan will thrive until the end of time."

Merrin gave a weak nod, still staring at the tools in her hands. The Mother always spoke the truth, that she was certain of, yet something at the back of her mind kept bothering her. As if an impending doom was nearing, and there was no way out.

The wooden figure began taking form in her hands with each precise carving until it resembled the elderly man the Mother had shown her before. She stared at the small sculpture with wide eyes, wondering who this man truly was.

"Excellent, child! You truly have a gift!" The Mother took the figurine from Merrin's hand and glared at it with a sinister smile on her face. Her eyes suddenly began glowing bright green, and she tucked the figurine under her robe.

"Run along now. We will be reunited after I complete my task." She continued, her footsteps guiding her towards the main temple's entrance. The doors opened and closed as the Mother stepped inside, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

"Merrin!"

Flashes of green and blue traveled before her very eyes, the scent of smoke and charred flesh surrounding her. A tall monster appeared before her very eyes, cutting down her sisters one by one. Her eyes teared up, while she ran as fast as her legs could carry her, despair slowly but surely taking control over her entire body.

Cal woke up with a scare, his eyes scanning his surroundings in panic. He was back on the Mantis, laying on his bed in the engine room. The only sound emanating around him was the engine humming peacefully. BD-1 chirped loudly from the workbench, giving him a confused head tilt.

"I'm alright, buddy... I just had a bad dream," Cal exhaled loudly, "nothing to worry about."

BD-1 lifted his visor, still staring at Cal with worry.

"Where is everyone?" he jumped from his bed, his feet feeling sore and his muscles aching as he advanced towards the main room. The ship was eerily quiet, save for Merrin sitting on the sofa, reading a holobook with great interest.

"Merrin? Where's Greez and Cere?"

"You are finally awake, Jedi. It seems my bet with Greez has been triumphant."

"You made a bet with Greez?" Cal sat next to her on the sofa, with a perplexed look on his face.

"He told me you would sleep until the next day. I disagreed with him, and I was correct." She replied, the word feeling already familiar to Cal in a strange sense.

"I don't remember going to sleep..."

"You were exhausted. You kept taking in your sleep, so I helped with a little magick. No words came out of your mouth after I left your side."

"Thanks Merrin. I guess it worked cause I really don't remember a damn thing," Cal released a small laugh, rubbing the back of his neck with nervousness.

"You are most welcome, my Jedi," Merrin replied with a sly smile on her face, her eyes gleaming while she stared at him.

Cal swallowed a dry lump in his throat, his anxiety rising with each passing second. Had Merrin's eyes always been so brown and mesmerizing, or was he still dizzy from the long nap he had taken. The air inside the room felt warm and pleasant, yet something at the back of his mind kept bothering him, ,as if this moment right here felt awfully...familiar.

"You never told me where Greez and Cere went? Did something happen?"

"No. On the contrary, everything is alright, Cal. Are you alright?" Merrin raised her eyebrow at him in suspicion.

"I don't know. Something feels off. I can't explain it, at least not at the moment."

"Perhaps your dreams have been less than pleasant," Merrin grew closer while she placed a warm hand on his own, comforting him. The gesture made Cal avert his gaze, yet he did not protest to her touch. He stared at the floor, his mind clouded, as she drew gentle circles with her thumb on his skin, trying to soothe him.

"Merrin..." he spoke in a weak voice, barely above a whisper. She leaned closer to hear his words.

"Yes, Cal?"

"I've been thinking a lot lately..."

"About what? she smiled and tiled her head, listening to him.

"It's..." he sighed heavily, "nothing. Never mind."

She placed a soft hand under his chin, guiding his stare until their eyes met. Pale green stared into deep brown, the proximity causing a warmth to spread through him.

"Talk to me..." her voice felt kind and reassuring. Cal took a nervous breath, inhaling more air into his lungs than was necessary, and he suddenly exhaled, trying to build up the courage to speak.

"I love you, Merrin... I know I'm not supposed to feel like this, and that it goes against everything my Order stands for, but I can't help it. And I can't deny my feelings anymore."

Merrin stared at Cal with wide eyes, her mouth set into a fine line, while she exhaled deeply through her nose. She continued to stare, her expression almost unreadable on her face. Cal stared back, a sudden feeling of embarrassment rising in his cheeks, his knees weak, while his heart began pounding in his chest.

"I never realized you felt this way," Merrin finally spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. She averted her gaze, withdrawing her hand from Cal's own, leaving a cold sensation lingering on his skin.

"It's okay if you don't feel the same." Cal swallowed another nervous lump, doubting his own words. "I just wanted you to know...to understand how I feel about you."

"Cal-"

"Maybe it's better if we forget about this conversation. I made it awkward, and I'm sorry." Cal blurted out, trying to sound far less agitated than he already was.

"Do not apologize, Cal. It is not about that. I do not know how I feel in this very moment..." Merrin rose to her feet, growing the divide between them as she turned her back towards him and folded her arms over her chest. She took a deep breath, still avoiding him in complete silence.

Cal raised himself from the sofa, a severe feeling of disappointment and embarrassment overcoming him. He gave Merrin another reluctant glance as he began to walk in silence, keeping his head down while he retreated inside the engine room. He placed himself on the bed again, staring at his hands with dejected eyes.

"Cal!" A voice resounded faint inside the engine room, the tone remarkably desperate. He lifted his head, the voice disappearing as soon as his eyes wandered around the small room.

"Merrin?" he called out, confused.

"Cal!" the voice grew louder, distorted, and ominous, as if the sound was surrounding him with echoes.

"Cal!"

"Wake up!"

Wake up? How? He was already awake. Sure, slightly embarrassed and visibly hurt by Merrin's rejection, but otherwise...fine.

Awake.

A sudden nausea filled his stomach, sending him into a spiral of dizziness. He tried to fight the overwhelming feeling as he felt the touch of a soft hand on the side of his face, realizing he was holding onto something. Not something—someone. His hand gripped the soft skin around it even harder as he felt the burning feeling of nausea and pain strong again, and he leaned forward as he emptied his stomach across the engine room floor.

Nothing but cold, freezing water rested at his feet, and he coughed loudly while his vision began to blur, distorting the picture of the engine room with a completely different sight.

Merrin stood above him with her eyes wide, panting hard while she shook his body, her mouth moving while no sound came from it. She yelled again, the faint sound slowly but surely returning to his ears.

"Can you hear me, Jedi?" She stressed, her eyebrow furrowing with worry while she shook him again.

Cal groaned loudly, another strained cough coming from his mouth as he struggled to open his eyes against the blurriness. He could feel Merrin's hands gripping his shoulders tightly, her voice filled with urgency while she tried to guide him back to consciousness.

"Wh-what happened?" Cal mumbled in a hoarse, weak voice, the sound barely audible.

"You fell!" Merrin pulled him into a tight hug, the gesture making him cry out in pain. "Sorry!" she continued, gently placing him back in his original spot.

Cal's lips began to tremble as his body again met the icy floor. He lowered his eyes, realizing he was soaking wet from head to toe, his vest missing completely, while he remained only in his undershirt. His whole body shook uncontrollably, the stinging cold making him cough again, this time louder.

"BD-1 tried to pull you out of the water. I came as soon as he told me you went under the ice," Merrin spoke in a worried voice, staring at him while she lit her hands with magick to keep him warm.

"T-thanks..." Cal replied through massive shivers, while he folded his arms around his chest in a desperate attempt to warm himself.

"I have brought a blanket, to keep you warm until we can leave. You have a big bruise on the side of your forehead, and I think you might have a broken rib," Merrin spoke as she began placing the thick cover on top of him.

"My head...hurts...s-so cold..." he struggled to speak, still reeling from the massive fall he had taken...minutes ago? He barely remembered when he fell, only what followed after.

"Then I shall help keep you warm until we can depart." Merrin slided under the cover almost instantly, with Cal barely realizing what was happening until her entire body was now so close to him that he could feel both her heartbeats, strong.

"We will generate our own heat faster this way," she added in her usual stern voice, and Cal gave a simple and quick nod, his cheeks already beginning to flush.

"See? It is already working."

Cal exhaled deeply, his body stiff and his cheeks red, while Merrin continued to hug him under the blanket, their bodies snuggled together already providing the necessary heat for him to recover. He dared to peek for a second at her face, wondering what thoughts swirled behind those deep brown eyes.

"BD-1 is here as well. I insisted he should return to the ship, but he would not leave your side." Merrin took note of his stare, and she gestured with a quick smile.

Cal responded with a weak shudder, subconsciously pulling Merrin even closer. The freezing cold inside his body began to subside, with a comforting warmth enveloping him. His mind felt clouded, and he remembered stepping on a thinner block of ice, yet the rest was a vague blur. Yet one thing remained constant inside his mind, and he wondered if all this was real, or just another trick produced by his weary mind.

"You should rest, Cal. Cere and Greez are waiting for us back on the Mantis."

"How long was I gone?" Cal managed to ask in a more steady voice.

"It has been two hours since you left the ship. I do not know how long you have been trapped under the ice. You were fortunate that I reached you in time. I cannot fathom what could have happened had I not reached you in time..."

"You were worried about me?" Cal raised his eyebrows, staring at Merrin with a glint in his eye.

"I was, Jedi. Do not tell Greez I have said so, or I will never hear the end of it," Merrin joked with half a smile. "It was hard to find you under the ice, but I managed to teleport the both of us safely to the surface just in time." her expression changed to a more serious one.

"Did-did I say something? While I was out?" the color slowly began to drain from Cal's face, mortified by what Merrin might have heard.

"You spoke to me as soon as I pulled you out. You grabbed my arm and began mumbling strange sentences under your breath... You even declared your undying love to me."

Merrin's tone felt so calm and natural that it took Cal a second to process what she had really said, with a sudden, deep pit forming inside his stomach as soon as he realized what he had said.

"I-What?!" Cal jumped in his spot, incredibly agitated, while he lowered his gaze and burried his head into the warm cover, completely embarrassed.

"Though I suspect that was most likely a hallucination, caused by the damage you sustained when you fell," Merrin gave him a reassuring glance.

"Uh, yeah...probably..." Cal replied, his voice muffled by the thick blanket. It felt as if all the air was sucked out of the cave, and he tried to bury himself even deeper into the blanket, avoiding her completely.

Merrin sensed his discomfort, her eyes fixed on him while she held him in her arms, trying to calm the involuntary shivers traveling through his body. Cal remained silent for a moment, unsure whether he wanted to speak anymore. A feeling of helplessness settled inside him, realizing Merrin was now completely aware of his feelings towards her. He tried to reassure himself, to believe her hallucination excuse, but deep down, he knew Merrin was lying.

Almost an hour had passed, the silence between them growing even louder as Cal gradually began to regain his strength. That fall had done a massive number on him, not just physically; his head was still hurting from the vision he involuntarily had. Triggering a psychometry episode while he was in severe danger had never happened before, at least not so suddenly.

"I think we should leave. I feel better already," Cal's voice resounded inside the cave, startling Merrin, who gave a small nod in reply, her eyes weary. BD-1 chirped from behind, raising himself from the ground while he stretched his metal legs and began scanning Cal.

"As you wish, Cal." She broke their embrace as she rose from under the covers, her abrupt departure filling the warmth under her side of the blanket with an incredible cold.

Cal followed her shortly, stretching his arms and legs while he stood up. His head spun from the sudden rise, his vision blurring as a veil of blackness traveled across his eyes. It quickly disappeared, and the image of Merrin greeted him again, watching him with a hint of concern in her eyes.

"I'm okay," he reassured her.

Merrin kept quiet as she turned and began guiding him towards the exit. Cal followed her closely, watching her with such regret in his heart that it ached. He yearned for her touch, for her smile, for her... and the possibility of him confirming his feelings for her began to swirl inside his mind. But then he remembered his dream, the crushing disappointment of her rejection still lingering inside his mind, refusing to leave.

BD-1 gave a low beep from his shoulder, and he turned his head until he met his visor. He gave BD a weak smile and traced his palm over the metal visor, deep in thought. The droid wanted to know if Cal was okay, if he was feeling fine, and truth be told, Cal had no idea. Physically, he was all right, slightly shaken but fortunately in one piece, yet his mind was a different matter entirely.

Cal understood that, despite its advantages, his psychometry could also be his worst enemy. Over the years since he had discovered it, Master Tapal had tried his best to teach him to control it. His untimely demise had left his training incomplete, and Cal had tried to resume his training, yet with the Empire inching closer to Bracca, he decided it was better to keep it dormant, like the rest of his Jedi abilities.

But now that he was freely using it again, the sensation felt stronger than ever. Cal wondered if Merrin knew about his unintentional peek into her old life. Of course she knows! A mean voice echoed inside his mind, and he tried to ignore it, despite acknowledging the truth he firmly believed it spoke.

"We are nearing the Mantis. How are you feeling?" Merrin's voice caught his attention, and he cleared his voice as he began to speak.

"I'm good. Just a bit dizzy, still cold...but I'm okay. Thanks for coming to my rescue, Merrin."

"Always," she replied with a warm smile as she stopped, looking at him with a strange look in her eyes.

Cal stared back, unsure what to say next. He began walking past her, and as soon as he reached her side, she stopped him with her hand firmly placed on his chest. The gesture made him freeze, and he dared to peek at her face, the kind smile still on her lips.

"Before we reach the ship...is there something you wish to tell me, Cal?" her eyebrows rising on her face as if she was expecting something from him.

Yes. Cal pondered for a moment, their gazes still locked while his mouth formed a fine line. He wanted to tell her everything. To let her know just how badly he needed and wanted her. To hold her close, and never let her go...

"No," he disappointed himself with his reply. Cal immediately regretted his response, wondering if Merrin felt the same. Her expression was most of the time hard to read, given her usual coolness, yet Cal could spot something almost resembling disappointment also creeping on her features. BD-1 chirped suddenly from his back, the sound low and remorseful.

"Then we are ready to depart this frozen world." Merrin's voice sounded more detached than usual as she strided ahead, nearing the ship's ramp with sudden speed.

Cal's stomach began tangling into small knots as he followed her, his regret reaching critical levels. He took a look behind him, the Ilum caves were still visible from a distance. Merrin had saved his life, pulled him out of the icy depths with unyielding courage and loyalty, and he will forever be grateful for that. Yet seeing the disappointment on her face as he failed to respond to her question made him realize just how badly he had messed up.

Rebuilding the Jedi Order had been Cal's mission ever since Cere and Greez had saved his life all those months ago, yet now, standing here in front of the ship's main entrance, he began to question his choices. It would be without a doubt to say that even if they succeed in bringing back the Order, some of their strict rules will stand in the way of his true desires. And as much as he tried to tell himself that it was all just a wishful dream, he slowly realized he would give it all away in a heart beat just to be with her.