Chapter Text
Déjà-vu
The flirtatious atmosphere of their meetups was obvious to both of them, hence why it was no surprise for Hongjoong when it took Seonghwa only a little over a month to ask him out on a first date. They did not actually call it a date, a little too anxious to give their relationship any names yet. Seonghwa had just asked him for his company to buy their first own skirt. And who was Hongjoong to deny them what they asked for? Both were well aware though, that this shopping trip would be exactly this: A date.
On the day of The DateTM, work was more of a torture to Hongjoong than it had ever been. Seonghwa would pick him up around 2pm but the hours ahead felt like they were stretching endlessly.
Hongjoong had dyed his hair in nice blonde and black split dye yesterday evening and he was dying to show it to Seonghwa. Hwa – that was how he had started calling them – loved to see him with new hair colors and loved to suggest new ideas to him. Hongjoong hoped, they would let him dye their hair one day. Seonghwa’s hair had potential.
Hongjoong had dressed up nicely in loose pants, a striped turtleneck and a cute beret. He had thought of adding necklaces to the outfit but decided against it, since they could become an inconvenience when shopping for clothes. Instead, he had chosen chunky ear piercings as statement pieces.
He had looked into the mirror that morning and felt gorgeous. So gorgeous, even Maddox had whistled at his sight. Hongjoong’s interest in fashion had been neglected over the past years and he was glad that Seonghwa was bringing some of that creativity back into his life. He had missed dressing up from time to time.
As expected from Seonghwa, they knocked on his studio door at exactly 2pm. Hongjoong was quick to jump up from his chair to open the door for them, earning a gasp when they caught sight of him.
Hongjoong’s reaction was similar. Seonghwa was dressed in black skintight pants and a white loose longsleeve, accentuated with cute accessories. Pretty basic for them but Hongjoong might never get over Seonghwa’s elegance. The only difference from their usual appearance was the makeup they had applied. It was not much, just enough for Hongjoong to notice when he stared at their face for long enough (which he did frequently).
“Joong, your hair- it looks amazing! And your fit. It’s so cute,” they commented after giving Hongjoong a quick hug.
That was another thing, Hongjoong would never get over with. Seonghwa was touchy, not overly so, but they enjoyed sharing soft, careful touches here and there. Hongjoong, on the contrary, had never been the one to yearn for physical touch and would be the last one to initiate. But with Seonghwa, it was a little different. Seonghwa made him feel good.
“And you are stunning as always, Hwa,” compliments came to them both easily now. Both were pretty confident about the affection they had for the other and they shared it openly, no longer hiding behind blushing cheeks and shy remarks.
“Thank you so much, Joong-ah. So, can we leave?” Seonghwa asked holding out their hand.
Hongjoong took it quickly, before the moment was over and they could change their mind.
“Yes, I’m ready. Lead the way!”
Holding hands was still new to them. It had happened only once two weeks ago after a particularly deep movie that left Hongjoong feeling overly emotional. That day had also been the only time, Seonghwa had brought him home all the way to his entrance door because they were so worried about him.
Seonghwa’s hand in his brought back the familiar giddy feelings. They lead them out of the building and towards the subway, hands still clasped tightly. Yep, that definitely felt like a date.
In the subway, they sat down next to each other and while Hongjoong was listening to a story about Seonghwa’s morning lecture, he tried hard to ignore the few people that were staring at them. Two male presenting people holding hands, oh what a scandal…
Goosebumps started covering his arms when out of the blue, another déjà-vu, a reminiscence about a past lover shot into his head. He felt what he had felt before, the cold, dismissive stares of a bunch of strangers at the sight of a gay couple. And seconds after, the moment was over, leaving Hongjoong in distress. He had never had a lover before; he had not even gone on a date until today.
“Joong? Joong-ah are you okay?” Seonghwa’s voice brought him back to reality.
“Huh? Yes. I’m fine Hwa. I’m sorry. You can continue your story, I’m listening.”
Seonghwa looked like they did not believe him a word.
“I just had a déjà-vu. You know, it just happens sometimes. I’m okay,” he tried to assure them.
“Actually, no. I don’t know how it feels,” Seonghwa responded.
“What?”
“I’ve never had a déjà-vu before.”
Hongjoong stared at him in disbelief.
“Never?!”
“Nope, never. As a kid I always wondered how it would feel when others talked about it, but I never got to experience it.”
“Woah, Hwa, that’s- crazy, I’ve had so many déjà-vus in my life, I couldn’t even try to count them.”
How could someone never have a déjà-vu? It did not make sense to Hongjoong.
“How does it feel? How did this one just feel?”
“Well, how do I explain it? You just feel like you’ve lived this moment before. You have a memory about a similar situation. Just now I’ve- I,” he gulped, “I remembered me and my lover being judged by strangers. Even though, you know, I’ve never had a lover before. It always feels like a core memory, yet, at the same time, you know, it never actually happened. And then, it’s over and it seems like a very intense dream. You do forget about them as quickly as your mind processes dreams. I could only tell you about two or three really intense experiences.”
Seonghwa looked a little pale.
“That sounds fucking scary, Hongjoong-ah!”
“Well, it’s as common as dreams for me. Sometimes, they suck, just like nightmares but I don’t mind. I’ve never known anything else.”
They thought about that for a while, before Seonghwa started talking again.
“Can you tell me about them? The déjà-vus you remember? I’m kinda curious.”
“Oh, they are unpleasant memories. They stuck to you like nightmares. But I can tell you if you want,” he squeezed their hand to ease his nerves.
“You don’t have to! You don’t need to recall bad memories because of my nosy ass.”
That made Hongjoong chuckle.
“You’re not nosy, Hwa. I’m glad that you are interested in me.”
Their ears and neck reddened at that.
“If you really wanna know… there’s one that scared me a lot as a child. It was the first time, a déjà-vu had ever become that intense. I was maybe six or seven and was walking home from a friend’s place at night, when I met a tall man. And suddenly, I felt like,” the air in his lungs felt thick, “like I was dying after being hunted down in the dark. It felt so real, it was terrifying, especially since I couldn’t put a name to it at that age.”
As expected, Hongjoong met shocked eyes when he looked up.
“Oh my god, that IS horrible!”
“I guess. But there are also nice ones,” he tried to loosen up the atmosphere a little, “Like on Eden’s wedding a year ago, I recalled my own wedding with a woman in a stunning wedding dress. I was a little disappointed when I came back to reality.”
“But you’re gay,” Seonghwa remarked, which Hongjoong could only respond to with a shrug.
“Beats me.”
“But is there a reason why some people experience déjà-vus and others don’t?” they asked curiously.
To that question, Hongjoong had no answer.
“Don’t know. Maybe, there’s just something wrong with my brain. Or yours, I have no clue.”
“You’ve never done research?”
“Of course, I did. Some Scientists assume that you in fact remember things, but your brain fills up missing details, hence why it can feel so oddly specific. My memory might just be a little bad and yours insanely good.”
Seonghwa did not seem satisfied with this explanation, but the next stop would be their destination, so Hongjoong got up and pulled them along. It was a bit of a tiring topic for Hongjoong since he had already spent hours and hours thinking about it without finding theories that sounded right.
。·:*:·ﾟ★,+
Hongjoong stood in front of a huge rack loaded with skirts in Seonghwa’s favorite secondhand shop, the latter at his side, excitedly rummaging through the fabrics.
“Thanks for coming along, Joong-ah, I don’t think, I would have had the courage to do this by myself.”
“Of course, Hwa. Hey, what about this one?” he pulled out a rather short but loose skirt with a floral pattern.
“Ohh, it’s pretty! But I don’t think, I could wear a skirt shorter than knee-length in public.”
They looked a little sad at that and Hongjoong knew about their inner ‘fuck society’ turmoil without asking.
“But you like it?”
Seonghwa nodded, blush tinting their cheeks.
“Then try it on!”
And without further question, the skirt was added to the small stack on Hongjoong’s arm.
They found a few more pieces, Seonghwa choosing mainly midi to maxi skirts in pleaded or loose cuts.
Hongjoong sat down on a sofa next to the changing rooms and pulled out his notebook to write down a few ideas that had come to him earlier, the discussion about déjà-vus still present in his head. He was quietly humming along to the radio music that played in the store. When the MC announced the next song, the newest hit of a popular boy group, he could not help but chuckle.
“I know, you get déjà-vu...”
Well, that was a coincidence.
Before he could ponder over it, Seonghwa stepped out of their changing room and Hongjoong could not help but gape at them.
Seonghwa was an angel, he was certain of it. No human could casually look that stunning. They were wearing a white flowy multilayered skirt and a matching blouse, it almost looked like a dress.
“What’s that look on your face?” they asked shyly, “Do I look okay?”
“If you look okay? You look ethereal!”
He got up to smoothen out a ruffled layer on the skirt, his hands lingering on their waist for a few seconds before he pulled away and looked up. Only then did he notice that Seonghwa was holding their breath.
“Thanks, Joongie,” they whispered, eye contact unwavering, and the rare sound of this nickname on their tongue caused Hongjoong’s blood to rush into his ears.
“You’re so pretty, Hwa!”
Pretty, it was such a mundane term compared to the words Hongjoong usually used to compliment them. Stunning, Gorgeous, Out Of This World. Yet, it caused a deep red blush to form on their face. But maybe, it was caused by the atmosphere, rather than his choice of words. Was that what people called ‘having a moment’?
Hongjoong failed to look away, too enchanted by the depth of Seonghwa’s eyes. His gaze unlocked from Seonghwa’s and started wandering downwards, along the bridge of their pretty nose, the soft curve of their philtrum and landed on their pink plump lips. Very kissable lips if you asked Hongjoong.
But before he could say anything, Seonghwa pulled away, squirmed out of his touch, and said something about wanting to buy the skirt, in an unsuccessful attempt to act casual. But of course, Hongjoong could read them well enough to know, how much this had just affected them.
Seonghwa disappeared behind the curtain again, obviously fleeing the situation and Hongjoong sat down, knowing not to push too far. He was more than ready for anything that was yet to come in their relationship, but he also knew that he had to give Seonghwa some time. They were not as in touch with their feelings as Hongjoong was. While it was obvious to him what was going on between them, he was not sure if Seonghwa even understood, how in love he was with them. And even though he had never experienced it himself, he did not want to take the phase of ‘crushing on someone and slowly realizing it’ away from them. He would wait until Seonghwa was ready.
It took them a few minutes before Seonghwa stepped out of the dressing room again, smile equally as warm as it had been minutes ago. They were now wearing a black plaid midi skirt, simple and elegant and Hongjoong told them how great they looked.
He stayed put on the sofa to keep the distance between them and showered Seonghwa in compliments whenever they presented a new skirt. He probably was a terrible judge for this little fashion show, eating up every single style Seonghwa tried out, unable to find anything to criticize.
Lasty, Seonghwa entered the room in the floral miniskirt Hongjoong had chosen for him. While their confidence had grown with every outfit change, the insecurity was now back, distorting their pretty face.
“Oh my god, you look so cute!” Hongjoong blurted.
“You sure?” uncertainty wavering in Seonghwa’s voice, “Isn’t this one too revealing?”
“Do YOU like yourself in it?”
Seonghwa nodded.
“I like it, a lot.”
“Then buy it and fuck society, Hwa! The skirt is not short enough to be too sexy or anything like that and accentuates your waist and hip just the right way. You look quite feminine like that,” that comment made them smile a little, “and if you’re comfortable, don’t hesitate.”
Seonghwa did not seem convinced.
“Aaah, I don’t know, Joong-ah. I think it’s my favorite out of everything I tried on, but I can’t see myself actually wearing it in public. I don’t think, I’m confident enough for that.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t try!”
“I’ll think about it,” and with that, they were gone again to change back into their own clothing.
After debating forth and back, Seonghwa did not end up buying the mini skirt. At least, they had chosen to buy the white one with the matching blouse alongside three dark skirts. And Hongjoong had managed to encourage them enough to change into the white set for the rest of the afternoon. Hongjoong felt so proud of them when they left the shop hand in hand. He was wearing a new jeans jacket he had bought for himself alongside a few shirts and was holding their shopping bags.
They wanted to visit a store for accessories when Seonghwa got distracted by a bookstore right next to the secondhand shop.
“Can we go in there, Joongie? Please, just for a few minutes,” they pleaded and Hongjoong was way too whipped to deny them anything at that point.
Seonghwa was quick to find the corner with Star Wars related books and Hongjoong decided to sit down again, preferring to watch Seonghwa being in their element over searching for books for himself. The childish excitement in their eyes when they occasionally dumped a random Star Wars fact onto Hongjoong was endearing.
After a while, he got up to tell Seonghwa that he would search for a restroom and that they could wait for him while looking through the books.
。·:*:·ﾟ★,+
At the end of the day, they had spent over an hour in the bookstore before they went to visit the accessories store and Hongjoong finally got to ask Seonghwa about their obsession with stars.
“It’s because of my name,” they explained, “Seong-Hwa means ‘To be’ or ‘To become a star’ and I’ve been obsessed with that ever since I was a child.”
To become a star, huh?
“Well, you’ve become my star now,” he hadn’t intended to say it out loud but now, the VERY straightforward flirt was hanging in the air between them.
That about taking it slow…
“Joong –,” they murmured, looking down.
Had he gone too far with that? Hongjoong panicked internally at the fear that Seonghwa might draw back now, that their first date would be ruined because of his stupid mouth.
“Hwa, I’m sorry,” he started fiddling with the bags in his hand, “I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I am really glad to have found you. I’m so thankful that Maddox dragged me to the cinema that day.”
Seonghwa raised their head, eyes glistening.
“I’m glad, I’ve met you, too, Kim Hongjoong. You make me happy.”
Hongjoong’s heart melted into a puddle.
“Thank you,” he was not entirely sure why he was thanking them. For being honest? Or for not running away? For accepting his feelings?
He squeezed their hand lightly with his free one.
“It’s a pretty name. Seonghwa. Sounds so elegant.”
He could see the silent ‘thank you’ for moving on from the charged atmosphere in their eyes.
“Right? I love it, too. You know, how many nonbinary people change their names to accommodate their newfound identity? I’ve thought about it, too. But I’d never give up being a star. Also, read it backwards!”
“Huh?” Hongjoong took a few seconds to understand what they meant, Hwa-Seong Park, “Oh, Hwa-Seong. You’re not only the stars, but you’re also the Mars! That’s really a cool name.”
“And I’m proud of it,” they smiled, hands coming up to play with their starry earrings, “What does Hongjoong mean?”
Hongjoong had never been one to care about his name too much.
“Oh, it means ‘to be the center of the world’ or something similar.”
“But that’s pretty cool, too!”
yeah, he guessed, it was a cool name, “I just don’t think it really suits me. I do not want to be the center of anything. I would have become a singer and not a producer if I wanted attention.”
Seonghwa looked like they wanted to say something but stopped themself.
“Hmm, you’re right. But I think, you are very Hongjoong. The sound of it suits you if that make sense. Couldn’t imagine you being a Minhyuk,” Seonghwa giggled and Hongjoong joined his laughter.
“No, I’m for sure not a Minhyuk. I’m me and pretty okay with that.”
“As you should,” they responded, finding his eyes again and for a few seconds they just stared at each other.
But quicky, Seonghwa withdrew from him and eyed the displayed earrings next to them.
“What do you think about those,” and of course, they showed him a pair of dangling stars with little gemstones at the center. Hongjoong would never be able to look at anything star shaped again without his heart losing its rhythm.
“Cute! Stars suit you, Hwa!”
“You should buy a set, too! So, we have matching earrings!” Seonghwa suggested and Hongjoong was a goner. There was no way, he would survive another day with those heart palpitations.
Seonghwa bought not only one but three sets of star earrings plus one pair for Hongjoong. They insisted on paying and it embarked a little banter. Hongjoong complained that Seonghwa already gifted him a ticket for the cinema every week, to which they responded that they were practically stealing Hongjoong’s work time and owed him far more than just ten dollar a week. The cashier waited patiently, enjoying the drama a little too much.
Hongjoong was well aware that they must seem like an old married couple. He would cry about it tonight.
Since it had gotten quite late, they agreed on calling it a day but not before Hongjoong dragged Seonghwa into a drug store because he needed new bleach and dye. Not that he planned to fry his hair anytime soon, he just needed a reason to drag out the end of their date.
Seonghwa watched him musing about the variety of colors and suggested a lavender purple which Hongjoong added to his basket without doubting for even a split second. If they wanted to see him in purple, there was nothing easier than that.
“I’ve always wondered if hair dye would suit me,” Seonghwa spoke.
“Of course! You’d look so good with colorful hair.”
Hongjoong could see it in his head, Seonghwa with a vibrant red or an ash grey, it would be dangerous for his sanity.
“You think so? Could you dye my hair, then?” they asked with the purest smile.
“Wait, are you sure? Just like that?” he’d expected it to be more difficult to talk them into trying.
“Yes, you’re experienced. And I’ve just always been afraid of fucking it up. But with a professional like you, nothing can go wrong, right?”
They looked so hopeful that Hongjoong did not have the heart to tell them that he, in fact, did not know what he was doing 90% of the time and just always prayed for the best.
“Alright, then pick a color and I’ll get you some bleach and next week, we’ll massacre your hair.”
When he came back to Seonghwa, he found a pastel pink dye lying in their basket and Hongjoong knew, doomsday was nearing.
。·:*:·ﾟ★,+
They left the city center to walk home hand in hand, Hongjoong insisting on bringing them up to their front door as a thank you for the earrings. They walked in silence, enjoying the chilly night air and the warmth of each other’s hand in their own. After talking all day, the quiet moment was comfortable, probably even the most romantic thing that had happened all day. It was only a ten-minute walk from the subway station and those ten minutes went by way too quickly.
“Joong-ah, thanks for the amazing day. I’m so thankful for your support.”
Hongjoong did not want to know, how high his pulse was. They were standing in the entrance door to the apartment complex Seonghwa’s apartment was in, neither of them ready to leave.
“I’m glad, you can be comfortable around me, Seonghwa. Actually- I have something for you.”
His heart rate increased even more as he pulled the miniskirt out of his own shopping bag and handled it to Seonghwa.
“I got it when I ‘went to the restroom’ at the bookstore. I think, you should have it.”
He would have expected anything when he searched for Seonghwa’s eyes, but not to find them glimmering from tears threatening to spill.
“But I told you, I’m not confident to- “
Hongjoong interrupted them before they could talk down on themself.
“You said, you are too afraid to wear this skirt just yet. But let’s work on that and we’ll get you there. I am sure that you’ll find the confidence to wear it one day. And I will be by your side to achieve that,” it was the first promise regarding their future that he had ever given them, “You looked like you loved yourself in that skirt and I- “
The rest of the sentence never left his lips because he got interrupted by a crying Seonghwa throwing themself into his arms, hugging him tightly.
After the initial shock, he reciprocated the hug, basking in the feeling.
Hongjoong did not know how it felt to be genderqueer like Seonghwa. He could not relate to the struggles and fears they had grown up with and he could not even imagine how hard their puberty must have been. But he knew that to him, it did not matter how Seonghwa identified. In Hongjoong’s opinion, their femininity just made them even cuter and more loveable. And if supporting them on their journey was really that easy, he was more than ready to do so.
“Thank you so fucking much, Joong. Thank you so so much for believing in me,” they sobbed out and Hongjoong could not help to cry a little as well.
As quickly as the hug had happened, it was over again and Seonghwa took Hongjoong’s hand in theirs to look at him with teary red eyes. They looked like they were debating about something.
Before Hongjoong could ask about it, he felt himself being pulled forward, a light kiss landing on his cheek.
Quicker than he could react, Seonghwa turned around and stormed up the stairs, out of his sight of view, leaving a shocked Hongjoong.
It took him several minutes to process and collect his thoughts before he left, praying they had not watched him just standing there through a window.
。·:*:·ﾟ★,+
Hongjoong arrived at home half an hour later. Like in a trance, he changed into his pajamas and sat down onto his bed.
His phone showed him an unread message from Seonghwa.
“You might not be the center of the entire world. But you’re the center of MY world.”
Hongjoong was glad that his pillow muffled his screams so well. Because else, his neighbors would have called the police.