Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Time Of Love

“Hongjoong-ah, do you ever stop staring at that screen?”

“Mhm,” Hongjoong mumbled, his eyes fixed on the track he was working on.

“Hongjoong-ah, are you listening to me?”

“Mhm”

“Hongjoong-ah!”

Not so gentle hands removed the headphones from his ears and for a second, Hongjoong felt like this had happened before. Just that last time, he had been in agony. Someone had been gripping the headphones on his head forcefully. Or had it just been earmuffs? He winced at the rush of emotions but collected himself quickly to turn around and look at the intruder. It was just another déjà-vu.

“Maddox-hyung, can you please let me do my work?” he asked with an annoyed groan, glaring at the man in front of him, “I have to get this damn song done.”

Maddox sighed, “You have been working on this song for way too long. When was the last time you slept? Three days ago?” to prove his point, he pointed at the pile of energy cans next to Hongjoong’s producer table.

“I’ve slept last nig-” Hongjoong protested before he got interrupted by his hyung again.

“Powernaps don’t count.”

And really, Hongjoong tried to say something against that, but he could not.

“But hyung, I have a deadline for this stupid song! I’m just stuck.”

He fell back into his gaming chair, a mix of a yawn and a groan leaving his mouth, his eyes staying closed as he continued to speak, “I’m not made for producing bubblegum girlypop.”

His hyung walked towards the second chair in Hongjoong’s tiny studio and sat down next to him.

“Okay, how about we make a deal?”

“A deal?” Hongjoong cracked a tired eye open.

“Yes. I’ll help you with this song. Eden doesn’t have to know but in return, you’ll sleep tonight. And you’ll accompany me to the cinema tomorrow evening.”

“The cinema?” he asked, clearly unimpressed, “Hyung, you know I hate crowded public places- “

“I know but it’s that movie ‘Time Of Love’. You know, the one I made the soundtrack for. And I really don’t wanna see it alone,” his eyes were a little pleading now.

“Oh, it’s playing in cinemas?” Hongjoong was a little surprised since ‘Time Of Love’ was just a film project of a nearby university.

“Yeah, there’s an art house cinema that plays queer indie movies and they have a collaboration project with that university. Please, Hongjoong-ah. Take a day off tomorrow. It’s Sunday anyways. And on Monday, I’ll help you with your bubblegum pop.”

“Fine,” Hongjoong yawned, his body deflating from resignation and tiredness, he was not really up for discussions right now. “I’ll come with you, hyung.”

Maddox was his coworker and hyung, but he was also one of the very few people Hongjoong considered something like a friend. And he knew how amazing it was to see a huge project like this come to life. He would be a dick to refuse coming along.

Maddox face beamed as he jumped out of the chair. “Really? Thank you, Hongjoong-ah. I thought I’d end up having to kidnap you to make you come,” he rushed towards the exit with way too much energy for Hongjoong to handle in his exhausted state.

“And dye your hair, you look like shit,” Maddox grinned before he left and Hongjoong’s grumbled “Thank you for the compliment” just hit the closed door.

He brushed through his indeed very ugly washed-out yellow-greenish hair before he turned back towards his laptop. He at least wanted to finish the small portion he was working on before he would head back home.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,。

Yawning every few seconds, Hongjoong stood in line in the entrance hall of the cinema called Emu Cinema. His hair was freshly dyed dark blue, stains of the color still covering his ears and neck.

He felt a little out of place. Even though the strangers around him were all roughly around his age, he always felt like an impostor among university students. His friends liked to call him an old grumpy man trapped inside a young man’s body since Hongjoong had been working full time ever since he had been sixteen. He had never gone to university or learned a job. Maddox liked to remark that Hongjoong was ‘annoyingly mature’ as the maknae of their producer team. Whenever Hongjoong found himself surrounded by people of his age who were living the typical student’s lives, he felt alienated since he could not relate.

He was observing the people around him quietly. There was an abnormal high amount of people with dyed hair and piercings just like him and a vast variety in fashion styles. Couples, most of them queer, were waiting in the line, holding hands or cuddling. Groups of students were discussing the movie and Hongjoong felt even more lost.

“Hyung, what exactly is the movie about?” he asked, facing Maddox.

“Oh, it’s about the way different couples are perceived by the public eye. What various queer couples experience versus what straight cis couples experience. I think you’ll like it.”

“Mhm, sounds interesting.”

Not that he had much to relate to. He never had the opportunity to date anyone, and he did not yearn for it. He was comfortable with his queer identity, had never struggled with accepting it or anything like that. Yet, the concerns of the queer community were a topic he was interested in, a social issue he liked to discuss with Maddox or his brother during late night conversations. Maybe, he could enjoy the evening after all.

“Ah, the line is moving! It was about time!” Maddox smiled.

Slowly (very slowly), they got closer to a door where their tickets would be checked. Maddox was restless, bouncing from one leg to another but Hongjoong did not mind. He was a patient person. He had the time to wait another 3 minutes to get inside.

Soon enough, the reason for the slow movements of the line got revealed to them. At the entrance stood a staff member, ripping off the perforated corners of the tickets. He looked like he was Hongjoong’s age. And he was pretty, if Hongjoong dared to say. Long healthy black hair framed his delicate face, his eyes were sparkling with curiosity while he greeted every guest, smiling.

Hongjoong watched him take each ticket, folding the perforated flop upwards and then downwards before ripping it off carefully. Opposite of him was a second staff member who was ripping off the corners carelessly, like every other sane person would. His line moved much more quickly, obviously.

“Damn, that kid really has all the time in the world, doesn’t he?” Maddox complained.

“Actually yes,” Hongjoong argued, “There’s still plenty of time before the movie starts. No need to rush. You’re too impatient, hyung.”

That was another thing his team liked to complain about. Regularly, Hongjoong would scold the elder producers, behaving as if he were their hyung. But Hongjoong knew that they actually appreciated his maturity.

When it was his turn, the staff boy took his ticket like all the tickets before, folded it up and down, ripped it off and gave it back to Hongjoong with a smile and a shy bow.

“Enjoy the movie!”

“Thank you,” he bowed back, “and finally a ticket neat enough to put on my walls.”

Without waiting for the pretty boy’s reaction, he left the entrance, making space for the next guest in line.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,。

They stood in the entrance hall, Maddox was deep in a conversation with a group of students, who apparently were the filmmakers. Excitedly, they were talking about the praises and criticism they had received.

Hongjoong stood next to them, unable to focus on the conversation. The movie had been quite nice. Focusing on an interesting aspect of the daily life of queer people, the more serious topic had been mixed with a hint of humor, making it an entertaining movie. But his social battery was empty, and he just wanted to go home, ready to hit the hay. The cinema seats had been a tad bit too comfortable for his sleep deprived body and he just wanted to rest.

Instead of joining the conversation, he resumed to observing their environments. A second movie was scheduled for the night and Hongjoong noticed the same pretty staff member standing just a few meters away. He was doing the same thing as earlier. Meticulously, he ripped off the tickets.

Up and down, and rip. “Enjoy the movie!” A responded grumble. Up and down, and rip. “Enjoy the movie!” Another grumbled response. Up and down…

It seemed like a boring job, something that would drive Hongjoong crazy if he had to do it himself. But the boy had this pure smile and seemed excited. And the almost compulsive way in which he did his job was somewhat endearing. And relatable.

Before greeting the next guest, he looked up, scanning the queue when his eyes locked on Hongjoong. They stared at each other for a second, the constant grin on the boy’s face stretching even wider and reaching his ears. Then, the moment was over, and he resumed to his job and Hongjoong felt his cheeks heating up for being caught staring.

He did not have time to ponder over the moment, though, because Maddox tapped his shoulder to ask if he wanted to come along to celebrate the movie’s success.

He denied that offer with an apologetic smile, yearning nothing more than the comfort of his bedsheets and promised to come along next time.

New World

Next time happened to be only two weeks later. Somehow, his hyung had managed to talk Hongjoong into watching another movie with him.

When Hongjoong opened the door of the same cinema, a memory flooded back into his brain. It was the smell of popcorn- or was it just the smell of burned sugar? He was not sure, but the memory felt further away than the event two weeks ago. Before he could properly grasp the memory, it was already over. He sighed, those frequent déjà-vu’s he had all his life could be annoying. Sometimes, they were harmless just like this one. Those were fine. But sometimes, the feelings he had during déjà-vu’s were so overwhelming that they affected him for hours.

Before he could spiral into overthinking about the reason for this déjà-vu, Maddox spotted him, accompanied by their boss Eden.

The cinema was a lot emptier since there was no event happening. Maddox and his newfound student friends just wanted to watch another movie together and his hyung had decided that Hongjoong could need some more social interactions. In his opinion, his rate of social interactions per month was perfectly fine but that was hard to explain to a social butterfly like Maddox.

There was no line but when they went to get their tickets checked, he could spot the same employee as two weeks ago. Hongjoong felt a little nervous at the sight of him. He was not sure why, but the sight of the boy made him a little dizzy. Maybe, he really was that deprived of social interactions.

Without thinking, he approached him, hoping for another clean ticket he could put on his fridge (he had actually kept the old one to put it up). This time, since there was no rush, he noticed more details he had missed as-yet. Getting closer, Hongjoong saw that the employee had a name tag that said ‘Seonghwa he/they’ and Hongjoong felt a little bad for assuming Seonghwa’s gender despite the queer space they were working at. They were taller than him (which was not hard to achieve, considering that Hongjoong was only 5’8” feet tall) and their hair was tied up in a loose ponytail, strands of hair already falling out again.

“Hi,” Seonghwa said, reaching out their hand towards him. Hongjoong’s brain lagged for a second, he was just staring at the hand stupidly before he remembered that he had to give them his tickets.

“Uh- hi,” he mumbled.

Wow, very smart response, he thought, internally scolding himself for his stupidity, cheeks glowing once again.

When Seonghwa moved to rip his ticket – Up and down, and rip- Hongjoong noticed the glint of cute silver star-shaped ear studs that decorated their earlobes.

“Enjoy the movie!”

“You, too!”

Oh my god, he suppressed the urge to groan. Wow, very eloquent, Hongjoong. Seonghwa chuckled, and Hongjoong felt his face flaring up even more. Well, at least, the cute employee had laughed because of him- or more his stupidity.

Behind him, Maddox joined Seonghwa’s laughter and when he was done with his ticket check, he lightly bumped his elbow into Hongjoong’s side.

“We’re smart today, aren’t we, Hongjoong-ah?”

Hongjoong tried to ignore the remark and hurried to leave the entrance area, too embarrassed to stay near Seonghwa for even a second longer.

“You okay Hongjoong-ah? You’re a bit red,” Maddox teased while they were climbing up the stairs.

“Yeah, just a little tired,” he responded, more blush creeping up his neck. In response, he just got another snicker from Maddox.

Hongjoong was a bit of an overthinker. He tended to ponder over insignificant situations a little too much. The tiniest situation stayed in his mind for weeks and moments like this always left him embarrassed and a little self-conscious. That Seonghwa kid must be thinking that he was an idiot now. Rationally, he knew that they most likely already forgot about it but that didn’t stop him from spiraling a little.

They sat down on their seats, chatting about the upcoming movie. It was an indie road trip movie named ‘New World’ or something like that. Honestly, Hongjoong had not listened to Maddox’ explanations properly and while the commercials were playing, his mind wandered back to Seonghwa.

What was it about them? Sure, they were pretty but usually, Hongjoong was so uninterested in strangers, he did not care about other people’s physical appearances at all. He was happy with his small bubble of people he trusted. So, why did Seonghwa make him that nervous?

Desire

The next week was a stressful rush of all-nighters for Hongjoong. A big customer had shortened their deadlines for a full album and the entire team was so busy, there was no time for non-work-related thoughts. The cinema night was forgotten as Hongjoong did not even have the time to work on his own projects. Everyone was stressed and the tension at the studio was high but eventually, they managed to finish everything on Thursday, the night before the final deadline. By the late evening, all the files had been sent to the customer and everyone had gone home. Eden had given the team the rest of the week off to compensate for the overtime work hours.

Hongjoong was lying in his bed, more dead than alive. His heart was racing from the caffeine that had kept him alive for the past days and his thoughts did the same. It was a common thing for him; the more exhausted he was, the more he struggled to fall asleep. And soon enough, Seonghwa popped up in his head again.

What kind of person were they? Were they a student? If yes, what was their profession? What kind of music did they listen to? Was their heart as innocent as their eyes looked? And most importantly, why the fuck did he care about all that?

Hongjoong felt his heart rate speeding up for another reason than the energy drinks. Despite trying to sleep, he grabbed his phone and opened Google to search for the Emu Cinema. He clicked on the program and started reading the captions of the movies. When he reached the Sunday’s program, his attention was caught by a movie named ‘Desire’.

‘Romance’, the description read, ‘A thrilling movie about two opposing people learning about their sexualities. Desire invites the viewer to question their own experiences and desires.’

That sounded interesting. Maybe, he should get a ticket. To see the movie and maybe, to meet Seonghwa again… No. Not for Seonghwa. That was stupid. He did not even know them, and he had to remember that he was just a random customer to them. One out of hundreds a week. And he did not even like romance movies. But this one, it sounded interesting. Maybe, he should give it a try.

Before his rational side could intervene, he added one ticket to the cart and proceeded to checkout.

Well, here comes, nothing, he thought, before he clicked on the ‘order’ button.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,。

Hongjoong slept through the entire Friday and used the Saturday to keep up with his own songs. He would have preferred to spend the day at his studio where all his professional equipment was, but his coworkers would kill him if they caught him already working again. But what else was he supposed to do? He was not the kind of person to spend all day doom scrolling and he preferred Adobe Audition over a book at any times.

On Sunday morning he took his time to bleach his roots and chose a dark red with a hint of purple dye (to hide the remains of the blue). With freshly dyed, still wet hair, he left his bathroom and sat on his unmade bed. His apartment was small, hardly even furnished. Even though, he had moved in about four years ago, he had never cared about spending money for unnecessary furniture. He never had visitors except for his brother and spent his entire day at the studio, even eating and sometimes sleeping there. He just came home to shower and sleep a few times a week. Even the kitchen was barely used, except for his life-saving coffee machine.

He opened his laptop to resume working when a pop-up about a new mail caught his attention.

‘EVENT REMINDER: ‘Desire’ Don’t forget to pick up your tickets!’

Oh- what the-, that was when Hongjoong distinctly remembered buying the ticket two days ago. Had he really been THAT sleep deprived? In which universe did he voluntarily sign up for a social event? Someone should invent an app to hinder you from sleep deprived purchases…

Yawning, he closed his laptop to get dressed and dry his hair. He was absolutely not in the mood to leave the house today but well, the money was already spent, so he should go. Even though, that meant picking an outfit and taking public transportations; things that he would have loved to avoid today.

But at the possibility of seeing Seonghwa again, a smile crept up his face. The thought of the kid he knew nothing about made him a little dizzy. He did not dare to pinpoint the reason for those emotions but all he knew was that it made him happy. And what could be wrong about a thing that makes you happy?

An hour later he found himself at the cinema in the queue after he had picked his ticket up at the counter. And of course, he had chosen Seonghwa’s queue. He watched them carefully handling each and every single ticket. It was endearing how nobody could disrupt their peace, not even the most impatient customers. No matter, how passive aggressive some people treated them, Seonghwa greeted them with the same warm smile and small bow. Hongjoong would have snapped at least five times already.

When it was his turn to get his ticket checked, he tried really hard to act casual. He could not get caught staring at Seonghwa (and their cute dangling star earrings) again.

“Enjoy the movie!”

Hongjoong looked up, right into Seonghwa’s eyes. Was it just him or was Seonghwa smiling a little more at him? He definitely hadn’t seen their cheeks forming these small dimples before. To his misfortune. Like that, Seonghwa looked like ten times cuter, and he felt a flush of butterflies erupting in his stomach.

“Uh- uuhm- Thank you?” he stuttered, unable to say something coherent.

Seonghwa blinked at him, eyes turning into crescent moons and that was when Hongjoong’s survival instincts kicked in and he rushed forward, leaving the entrance hall without looking back. He was too afraid, they could see him blushing furiously once again.

During the movie, he tried so hard to focus on the scenes in front of him, but it appeared to be a tough task when a certain employee’s smile refused to leave his brain. He genuinely tried to focus on the protagonist’s conversations, but he failed miserably. At the end of the movie, he was certain, he could not even describe the plot if somebody would have asked him.

Even though he usually took his time to gather his stuff and get out of the auditorium, he rushed out of the room as soon as the credits started playing. Quickly, he found himself in the entrance hall again, hoping to see Seonghwa. But since it had been the last show of the evening, the ticket checkpoint was empty.

Hongjoong tried so hard to not be too disappointed about it. What even had been his plan? Had he really come here just to stare at someone?

Instinctively, he grabbed for his pocket to fish out his phone, just to find it empty. He had forgotten his holy phone on the cinema seat. Oh, he was doomed. So doomed…

Chapter Text

THANXX

The fourth time Hongjoong went to the cinema to see Seonghwa was for a movie called ‘Thanxx’. It was another student project, a movie about gender roles and the expectations authority figures had on the youth. And that was a topic Hongjoong was really excited for.

His family had disapproved of his living style and life goals, ever since Hongjoong had hit the teenage years. While his brother had successfully graduated university as a dance major, Hongjoong was a school dropout with no proper graduation, he had piercings and tattoos and was not yearning to find a wife and have kids.

To sum it up, he was the disappointment of his family in all aspects. But Hongjoong was happy with his life. He had always known what he was doing. Of course, his missing education could backfire on him one day, but for the past seven years he has had a job he loved, a stable income - even enough to pay into his retirement fund - and a small group of friends he trusted. He did not need anything else in life.

The Cinema was packed with students and Hongjoong was glad that he had ordered his ticket early enough to receive it via mail, sparing him of the endless line in front of the counter. Instead, he could line up for the ticket checkup immediately, praying that he would not make a fool out of himself in front of Seonghwa again.

In hindsight, Hongjoong wished, he could say he had not gasped out loud, the moment he had seen Seonghwa. Instead of the male work uniform they were usually wearing, Seonghwa was dressed in the knee-length skirt and blouse made for the fem presenting employees. Their hair was braided prettily with their curtain bangs framing their face and- was that makeup? It looked amazing. Seonghwa looked amazing. The waist-accentuated tailoring looked insanely good on their slim body type and Hongjoong knew, his plan to appear confident was doomed to fail.

Quicker than he could have prepared himself for, it was his turn to walk up to Seonghwa. And Hongjoong was nervous. EXTREMELY nervous. He could barely handle giving them his ticket and looking at them felt excruciating when his heart was racing. Oh, that skirt looked amazing.

“Thank you for coming. Enjoy the movie!”

Had their voice always been that deep?

“T-Thank you!” he stuttered, trying to collect the smallest rest of his composure to give Seonghwa a compliment, before he was pushed by a person behind him, chiding him for blocking the line.

Hongjoong stumbled forward and barely managed to stop himself from tripping over. A memory shot into his head, a blurry image of him falling, embarrassment and pain clouding his head. But once again, it was over before he could match the memory to a situation from his past. It felt like waking up from one of those dreams about falling, a feeling that made your stomach chirm and your heart race.

He heard a loud voice scolding the person that had pushed him, but he was already on his way towards the stairs to flee the situation.

Great, when will I ever experience a day when I don’t embarrass myself in front of Seonghwa? This cannot become a trend…

He entered the auditorium with a sinking feeling in his stomach, both from the déjà-vu and the shame he felt at thinking about his embarrassment.

This time, it was a lot easier for Hongjoong to follow the movie and momentarily, he even forgot about his little crush. (There was no need in denying it was a crush anymore.) He was so invested in the topic as he felt it easy to relate to the conflicts of the protagonists and he was a little sad when the credits started rolling over the screen.

When he was ready to leave, he triple-checked his pockets for his belongings to make sure he would not forget something again. Much more collected than when the movie had started, he once again found himself standing in the entrance hall, not ready to leave yet. Around him, the scene looked like his first visit, groups of students immersed deep into discussions about ‘Thanxx’.

Hongjoong kind of wished, he would have invited Maddox to come along to be able to discuss the movie as he listened to the heated conversations around him. He would definitely sit down and try to write a few lyrics about it. The movie had hit the right buttons in him.

A few meters next to him, he spotted Seonghwa leaving a door with a ‘Staff Only’ sign, still wearing the pretty outfit.

Now or never!, Hongjoong thought, before he gave himself a push to approach them.

“H-hey,” he stuttered smartly to gain their attention and Seonghwa looked up from their phone.

“Oh hey, is there anything I can help you with?” they asked with that intoxicating smile on their lips.

“Uh, not really. I- I just wanted to say that you look amazing in that outfit. It suits you!”

Seonghwa’s eyes widened, and blush crept up their neck. Hongjoong was certain that his neck matched theirs.

“Oh, thank you so much! It was the idea of my coworker,” they pointed at a girl in trousers and a baseball cap to hide their hair across the hall, “She thought, it would match tonight’s theme if we all switched uniforms.”

Well, that made a lot of sense.

“I-I really like it tho,” Seonghwa continued, ducking their head shyly, “I never thought, I would slay in a skirt like that.”

“You do!” assured Hongjoong, a little too much enthusiasm in his voice, “I mean, it really flatters your proportions. You should wear things like that more often!”

Hongjoong wondered if he had gotten a little too far with his words, afraid to invade the stranger’s comfort zone, but Seonghwa just smiled and thanked him again.

“Thank you. By the way, are you okay, Hongjoong? You didn’t hurt yourself earlier, did you?”

At the mention of him tripping, he lowered his head to hide the rising blood in his cheeks, but Seonghwa seemed genuinely concerned.

“I’m fine,” except for my poor heart, “I’m- Hold up,” he looked up to stare at Seonghwa in shock, “How do you know my name?”

“Oh, I- “, Hongjoong could physically feel their nervousness, “I overheard your friend talking to you the other day.”

“And you remembered?”

Only God knows, how Hongjoong was still able to form coherent sentences after Seonghwa had just dropped THAT bomb. That changed things. Drastically. They remembered him. Oh my god Seonghwa remembered him.

“Yeah,” Seonghwa took a visible breath to collect their thoughts, “Yes, you’ve caught my eye, and- and Hongjoong is kind of a nice name.”

“Oh,” and it was over with the coherent sentences.

TELL HIM THAT SEONGHWA IS A NICE NAME, TOO!, his mind shouted.

“I’m- uh. Thank you? Uhm, Seonghwa is a really beautiful name, as well!”

Beautiful? BEAUTIFUL?!? Oh lord. That much about being careful with your words.

“Thanks”

Hongjoong could feel the rising awkwardness between them. That had been too many compliments and ‘Thank You’s for every normal person to handle. They both just stood there, staring vaguely past each other’s face.

“Uh, I should probably go. Thank you- “, he winced once he realized he was thanking them again, “-for the conversation,” God, he was so awkward, “bye.”

Seonghwa looked a little confused at the sudden end of their conversation, but Hongjoong desperately needed to get out of there immediately before he would start sweating from nervosity.

“Oh yeah, Have a nice evening! See ya!”

Blushing furiously, Hongjoong waved at them, before he turned around to escape the situation.

Cyberpunk

Strangely enough, Hongjoong was okay with developing a crush. He would have expected to freak out if he ever found himself falling for someone after a decade of being perfectly fine with being single. But Hongjoong was happy. He embraced the giddy feelings that bloomed inside of him whenever he thought about Seonghwa. The little conversation they have had made him giggle whenever he thought about it (which was practically all day).

It was so bad, even his coworkers noticed it. Maddox addressed Hongjoong’s change of behavior during a break they spent together.

“Yo, what’s wrong with you? I swear, I have never seen you smile before and now, the corners of your mouth are basically glued upwards. I’ve even seen you giggle yesterday. And you’re voluntarily working on bubblegum pop. Are you sick?”

Hongjoong wanted to be embarrassed, but he could not find it in himself.

“Hyung-ah, I think, I’m falling in love,” he confessed with a sigh, a stupid grin plastering his face.

“You what?” Maddox huffed in disbelief, “Who? Your laptop? Hongjoong-ah, you don’t even know any people outside the studio.”

“I know someone!” he protested, “They’re an employee at Emu Cinema.”

His hyung looked up, curiously eyeing the so obviously lovestruck Hongjoong.

“The cinema? Do I know them?”

“Maybe? Their name is Seonghwa. Tall, long black hair, ticket inspector?”

“Nah, never heard of him.”

“You’ve seen THEM before, hyung. The slow one, you remember?” he urged to correct him despite Seonghwa’s tag saying ‘he/they’.

Maddox eye widened in recognition.

“Really? That neurotic kid?” he asked in a skeptic tone, “You find them attractive?”

“Yeah,” Hongjoong marveled, eyes wandering of to think about Seonghwa in that skirt.

“And you’ve met them again?”

“Oh?” the question brought him back to reality, “yeah, I went to the cinema again the other day.”

“Without me?” Maddox complained in fake offense.

“Yes, sorry, hyung,” Hongjoong winced apologizingly.

“Hm, well. You do you, Hongjoong-ah. But please don’t get your heart broken.”

“I’ll try my best, hyung,” he responded absentmindedly.

Once Maddox had left, Hongjoong opened his laptop to check out this Sunday’s cinema program.

‘Cyberpunk- Sci-fi- A dystopian world in which fog covers up all sunlight and you might be the last survivor in complete darkness. Would you survive that? What would it change about you? Who would you become?’

Honestly, Hongjoong would have ordered a ticket for any movie at that point, but the caption had sparked his interest. What would he do? Probably die from starvation because all he was capable of doing was producing music and cooking instant ramen.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

When Seonghwa greeted him with a smile, equally as wide as his own, Hongjoong was relieved. Anxiety had built up on the way. He was terrified of seeming like a weirdo or stalker now that he knew that Seonghwa knew about him. But the moment he had entered the building and they had spotted him, they had beamed.

The place was quite busy again, the movie being another student project. Hongjoong had found out that it was a series of the sixth semester film sciences majors of the local University of Arts.

Seonghwa stood in front of him in casual clothing, a black silk button-up shirt tucked into- into a skirt. A knee-length flower skirt. They looked elegant, ethereal even. Today’s earrings were silver stars again but much more glimmery and prominent. Hongjoong hoped, he would get to ask about their obsession with stars one day.

“You look amazing!” the words left his mouth, before they could even greet each other.

“Thank you, Hongjoong-ah!” they swayed their hips a little to make the skirt’s light fabric float with the movement, their cheeks gaining a pink tint. “By the way, how old are you?”

It made sense that they would ask before addressing Hongjoong casually, and now it spared them the awkward silence.

“I’m a 98er and you?”

“Oh same! So, we’re friends!” Seonghwa laughed excitedly, and it made Hongjoong’s stomach turn somersaults.

He was not exactly sure what caused it, but Hongjoong had another déjà-vu. The situation of meeting a person his age and being excited about it. It felt nice, and for once, Hongjoong did not mind the feeling.

When they continued speaking, they lowered their voice, “actually, you motivated me to wear this today…”

“I did?” Hongjoong asked in surprise, he had not really expected them to spare any thoughts on Hongjoong after their little encounter. It gave him hope.

“Yeah, you said, I should wear things like that more often. And I kinda wanted to dress up a little today. Hence why I asked my friend for this skirt.”

Oh, they were so cute, talking about their outfit so excitedly.

“As you should, you’re slaying this fit,” he chuckled, remembering Seonghwa’s choice of words last week, “but right, why aren’t you in your work uniform today?”

“It’s my day off. I’m here to watch the movie because- “, they interrupted themself, clearly embarrassed.

Shit, that blush looked endearing.

“Because?”

Seonghwa observed the floor, shuffling their feet nervously.

God, they really were as pure as they looked from afar.

“I’ve might or might not participated in making that movie- “

“Woah, really?” he could not even try to hide his excitement.

They were a movie maker? That was amazing. Seonghwa being a creative person made them like 5000 times more attractive.

“Yeah, I’m a movie science major and that was my group’s project,” they blushed.

“That’s so cool!” he meant it.

“Thanks. Uhm, I’m sorry but I kinda have to go back to my friends now,” they said, grimacing apologetically.

Hongjoong tried to not sound too disappointed when he responded.

“Alright, uhm. See you?”

“Yeah,” they smiled the sweet smile Hongjoong was way too emotional about, “See you later. Tell me how you liked the movie, please.”

And with that, they skipped away, the skirt flowing around their legs softly.

Hongjoong was whipped. With a dazed smile he watched Seonghwa greeting their friends excitedly. Their movements were so lively, so joyful, it made Hongjoong’s heart ache.

He was a calm person who struggled with expressing his emotions at times, appearing a little too cold and uninterested than he intended to sometimes and Seonghwa was the exact opposite in all that. They embodied positive energy and it warmed his heart.

When he got his ticket checked, he felt like something was missing. The employee took his ticket, not even looking at it, and ripped the corner off, missing the perforation. Hongjoong would definitely not put that ticket up.

The movie was awe-inspiring. Obviously, their budget was limited, but the result was amazing. The darkness was not portrayed with a pitch-black movie but with the lack of a background. Hongjoong loved the artistic touch in every little detail.

Following the story of a nonbinary character that wandered through the darkness in search for other life, the story developed into a desperate search for anything, even if it was just the daily meal. Throughout the movie, the main character started talking to a domesticated cat that they had found in the remains of an animal shelter one day. They started questioning their identity, wondering about the significance of terms like gender and sexuality when facing death, when possibly being the last person on earth. The movie concluded with clear messages; What would it matter how others perceive you, what would your public appearance matter if there was no one to judge? And should it matter at all?

It left Hongjoong deep in thoughts and when the Star Wars-style credits came on screen and people began to leave, Hongjoong stayed put in his chair for a few more minutes to think about what he had just seen.

When he left as one of the last people and entered the already familiar entrance hall again, he did not have to wait for long until a noticeably excited Seonghwa came walking towards him.

“And what do you think?” and without waiting for his response, they continued, “I’ll never get over the rush of watching my own movies on the screen.”

Hongjoong could not help but chuckle at their infectious euphoria. He knew the feeling from hearing his own songs on the radio.

“I loved it! The topic was so unique and inspiring. What was the part you took in the production?”

“A bit of everything, actually, I was mainly responsible for the screenplay and the idea itself, but I also helped with sound and basically everything but the acting. I prefer to stay put behind the camera.”

“You’re serious? You were responsible for the story?” Hongjoong asked, baffled.

“Yes. Did you really like it?” they asked with the most precious insecurity written in their facial expression.

“Absolutely, yes! How did you come up with all that? You’re a genius!”

Another rush of blush tinted Seonghwa’s face and Hongjoong was glad that he was apparently not the only one to have a chronically red face around the other. It had started to become worrisome.

“You want the short version? I don’t want to infodump stuff on you, you don’t actually care about.”

How the hell could a human be such a considerate angel?

“Please infodump! I’d love to hear about the process,” he hoped that he did not appear too whipped.

“You sure?”

Hongjoong nodded encouragingly.

“So, the umbrella topic given by our professors was ‘queer identity’ as you might have noticed already. And since this was a quite personal topic for me and I’m usually the one writing the screenplays, they gave me a lot of freedom. We decided on a dystopian setting because we wanted to explore how far we could push the whole ‘what if society’s effect on us did not matter?’ thing. Most queer people struggle with their identity for years, if not even decades or their whole life, when at the end of the day, those struggles are forced onto you by society.”

“Wow, that’s- “, Hongjoong was a little out of words, “That’s so creative and fascinating. You really got the point across. And I envy you a little for how in touch you are with your gender identity, that’s really inspiring.”

How many more amazing layers Hongjoong did not know of slept underneath the surface of Seonghwa’s personality? Hongjoong yearned to learn about them all.

“Thanks. It took me a long way to get there,” they scratched their nape nervously, “What’s your major? I’ve never seen you on campus before.”

Oh god, they were interested in his life, Hongjoong would not see the end of the night if his heart continued beating like that.

“I’m not a student. Never been to university. I’m working already. I only started coming here because a coworker helped your fellow students,” and because of you, he almost said it.

“Ah, I see. What are you working as?”

Hongjoong loved, how natural their conversation was flowing now.

“I’m a music producer.”

“Are you serious? That’s so damn cool.”

And even the way, Seonghwa naturally used slang while talking to him made Hongjoong’s heart flutter.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s been my passion all my life.”

“What genres do you work with?”

“Oh, this and that. How much do you know about the music industry?”

“Not much,” they shrugged apologetically.

“Well, it is basically commission work. I’m working mainly in the K-pop industry, but sometimes, we also have clients in the Hip-hop and trot scene. They tell us what they want, sometimes they give us already existing demos and we just do the whole mixing. And in my free time, I’m writing songs to sell them to the labels.”

Was he the one oversharing now? Did they want that much detail?

“That sounds so exciting. You’re like the secret mastermind behind the bops in the radio. Is there any song by you I might know?”

Secret mastermind, that was a cute way to phrase it.

“I mean, yeah. We’re working for a few bigger labels. Do you know Choi Jongho? The soloist? I’ve worked on his last OST ‘Everything’.”

Seonghwa’s eyes widened.

“Are you kidding me? I love that song! It’s an honor to meet you!” they did a 90-degree bow at Hongjoong, grinning sheepishly when straightening up again.

Wait, were they FLIRTING with him?!?

“I-Thank you. That’s a big compliment coming from the genius responsible for this movie,” Hongjoong felt a little risky, underlining his words with a smug grin.

“Well, MY movie does not have millions of clicks, contrary to YOUR music.”

“You’re at the beginning of your career. Who knows what’s yet to come?”

He did not want to play the ‘hyung’ role in this conversation, but he could not help but to awe at Seonghwa’s almost naïve excitement.

The feeling triggered a déjà-vu. The recollection of a similar scene – him, feeling like a proud parent at the achievement of a younger person – flashed his mind. Except for the fact that Seonghwa was his age, it felt exactly the same.

“You are right,” Seonghwa laughed. After a small pause they added, “Uh, it might be a weird request but, uhm, since you’re a producer and you talked about your co-workers, do you know someone who could help out a broke student?”, they rambled nervously, “I’m searching for someone who could help me with my semester project in my film music class… I mean, only, if that’s not too much to ask from a stranger...”

“I could help!” Hongjoong had never answered a question that quickly before, he was certain of it. His sudden shout startled Seonghwa a little.

“You sure? I really don’t have anything to offer. I’m only living off this mini job,” they made a gesture towards the room they were standing in, “and it’s barely enough for uni stuff and food…”

“Yes, I’m sure, I’d love to help you, Seonghwa. I don’t have too much work coming up in the next week, so I should fit you in easily.”

And if he had to neglect a few of his own projects, it would not hurt for the sake of getting to know Seonghwa. To prevent them from finding any further excuses, he did his best to change the topic.

“Thinking about it, it makes much sense for you to work here,” he rummaged in his pockets to pull out today’s ruined ticket, “You’re much better at that job than your coworkers.”

They grimaced at the sight of the ugly rip.

“That looks nasty, I’m so sorry, you got an ugly ticket today. I’ll make sure to give my ticket-ripping skills to the best, just for you, next time.”

The confident flirt had faded to a shy mumble at the mention of a next time and Hongjoong felt the same thrill spreading through his body.

“I’m looking forward to it,” he mumbled back, observing a very fascinating speck of dirt at the top of his shoelaces. There was a second of silence before Seonghwa spoke up again.

“I-I should get going, I bet my friends are dying to talk to me.”

Now, Hongjoong felt terrible, the emotional rollercoaster of this conversation was a TORTURE for his heart.

“Right, Right, I’m so sorry for holding you back. You should go. I’m sorry.”

“No! Oh my god, I did not mean it like that!”

The weird turn their conversation had taken was a painful reminder that they were still just strangers tiptoeing around one another and Hongjoong was probably just getting way ahead of himself for reading too much into Seonghwa’s words.

“I’m sorry, Hongjoong-ah. I enjoyed talking to you, I mean it. Else, I wouldn’t have approached you. I just figured that if there was any chance to start a conversation, it would be today while I’m – well – basically off-duty.”

They avoided eye contact while opening their bag to fish out their (neatly ripped) ticket and a pen. Quickly, they wrote down something onto the ticket before they handed it to Hongjoong.

“Here, if your offer still stands, I’d love to hear from you. Bye, Hongjoong!”

They whipped around, nearly running towards their friends, the cute skirt floating behind them.

“Bye, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong responded seconds after they had left, watching them giggle with their friends from afar.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

The first thing, Hongjoong did when he arrived at home that night, even before removing his shoes, was scream into his pillow.

Seonghwa had PLANNED to approach him! They had CONSCIOUSLY decided to start a conversation to GET TO KNOW HIM. And now, he had a cute, perfect ticket with their NUMBER written on it. Hongjoong could not believe his luck.

Chapter Text

Wave

It took them a solid four days to meet up for the first time. Hongjoong had contacted them after having a quick crisis (that had included calling his brother seconds away from a meltdown). After the obligatory awkward small talk, they had agreed on a day and time to meet up at Hongjoong’s studio. After that, the chat had fallen into awkward silence. Hongjoong struggled to pinpoint their boundaries and despite his urge to ask Seonghwa about their day, he refrained from contacting them again.

Now it was half past 2pm, Seonghwa sat on the worn-out sofa in Hongjoong’s studio (to his disappointment, they were just wearing a casual jeans and shirt) and the latter was PRAYING for Maddox to leave the room.

Curious as his hyung was, he had been quicker to open the door for Seonghwa, escorting them to Hongjoong’s room. He now stood at the door, side-eyeing Hongjoong with that stupid I-know-what’s-going-on look through the uncomfortable silence.

“Hyung, don’t you have e-mails to respond or something?” Hongjoong asked in an a bit feisty tone, seeing from the corner of his eyes, how Seonghwa’s eyes widened at his demanding attitude towards his hyung.

“Alright, alright. I see that I’m not welcome here. Have, fun, you two!” he winked at Hongjoong, before he let the door fall shut.

“Uhm, well- “, was his super eloquent attempt at starting a conversation.

“I brought you something,” Seonghwa blurted and Hongjoong’s heart jumped, “I’m sorry. What did you want to say?”

“Nothing. Really. You brought me something?” repeating their words was at least some kind of development from incoherent stuttering.

“Yes, here,” they handled him an envelope.

Carefully, he opened it and found a ‘Cyberpunk’ ticket, NEATLY ripped. It looked like Seonghwa had removed the perforation with a scalpel. It was very THEM.

“I figured, you might want one, since you know, yours was so ugly and I wrote on mine…”

As if anything could top a ticket with Seonghwa’s number written onto it. Nothing could be better than that. That ticket was so special to him, it was the only one that had actually made it on his fridge. But of course, he could not say those thoughts out loud.

Upon further inspection, the seat number on his new, perfect ticket even seemed to match with what Hongjoong distantly remembered to be the place he had sat on; however they had managed to figure that out.

“Thank you, that’s so thoughtful of you,” he said sincerely.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I wanted to print another ticket for myself anyways and it really was no big act to print out yours again, as well.”

Hongjoong smiled in awe. Talking down on your own nice actions when being nervous was such an endearing thing to do. At least, when it was Seonghwa doing so.

In order to prevent their conversation from falling into silence again, he decided to sit down next to them.

“I appreciate it. So, what exactly is the project about? The one you need help with?”

Hongjoong could see their shoulders deflating, very obviously relieved about the change of topic.

“It’s my semester project in a subject called film music. It is a collaborative project with the animation majors. I have to write a screenplay and provide the music for my partner from Animations. The result is supposed to be between three and six minutes long. And I have a few ideas but honestly, I don’t know anything about music production. We’re supposed to use our own music but, gotta be honest, it is not my best subject.”

Seonghwa was nervously fiddling with the rings they were wearing. They looked so apologetic while talking about their lack of knowledge regarding music, Hongjoong felt the urge to tell them that it was alright, that they were a great person, no matter how experienced and interested in music they were.

Hongjoong noticed them staring at the miniature zen garden that was collecting dust on his small sofa table. It had been a birthday gift from his grandmother, one of those gifts, you start receiving once you hit a certain age and your relatives do not know what to gift you anymore. He figured that something to fidget might ease Seonghwa’s anxiety. While responding, he grabbed the small pot, removed the protective lid, and handled it to them.

“No worries, I can definitely help you with that. Wanna tell me about the ideas?”

Seonghwa’s eyes fixed on the small rake when they started to push around the sand inside the pot to draw symmetric pattern.

Neurotic, Hongjoong thought. And really, it was so relatable how Seonghwa repeatedly smoothened out the sand to make a certain curve even more perfect.

“Yeah, so, uhm... do you know what synesthesia is?”

Hongjoong shook his head.

“It’s when your brain mixes up two or more senses. I have that and, in my case, I associate sounds with colors,” they looked up to search for Hongjoong’s face, checking if he could follow.

“Oh yes, I’ve heard about it before.”

“I want to make it the theme of my project. I want to visualize what I am seeing when I’m listening to music. And I think, I want to make it a positive experience for the viewer, something joyful and light, an auditive summer breeze, if that makes sense.”

“Totally,” Hongjoong assured them while Seonghwa drew waves into the sand.

“Which genre do you want to work with? Do you just want an instrumental? Or are you planning to sing?”

Seonghwa looked up at that, eyes wide.

“God, no. I will not sing!”

It made Hongjoong giggle again. He felt like a giddy teenager whenever Seonghwa did something cute. Everything they felt, seemed so intense, so pure and honest and Hongjoong’s heart was in terrible danger.

“Alright, alright, no singing then,” he laughed, infecting Seonghwa, “Instrumental, it is. So, which genre? What about EDM? Some Tropical House maybe?”

“Honestly, I’ve always been a fan of how classical music transcends emotions, do you think something in that direction would be doable?”

Seonghwa being into classical music was so charming, Hongjoong could melt on the spot.

“Sure! I mean, I can’t provide you with an orchestra. But we can go in that direction. Any preferred instruments? I have a little experience in working with string instrument sounds.”

“Oh, that’s perfect,” they resumed to drawing little hearts into the sand, ”I love the sound of the cello.”

Hongjoong got up to grab his tattered notebook that he took everywhere, opening a new page. With his messy handwriting he gave the paper the headline ‘Seonghwa Project – Synesthesia’ (mainly to remember that term later) and suppressed an urge to doodle a small heart next to their name.

He wrote down what they had already talked about and asked Seonghwa to brainstorm about words and impressions they wanted to include in the song. That was something he tended to do when starting a new project.

The workflow came easily with Seonghwa. For the next hours, Hongjoong felt euphoric at how great their chemistry was, and Seonghwa appeared to be equally as comfortable.

When the evening neared, they already had a quite detailed idea of how the piece was going to sound. They had narrowed the topic down to waves and the ocean. Seonghwa wanted to visualize the color blue with a majorly peaceful and joyous piece that climaxed into a more energetic and threatening ‘stormy sea’ in the bridge.

In the beginning, Hongjoong had tried to hold back with his own ideas and tried to push Seonghwa a little, wanting to make this piece solely about them, but he quickly learned that his crush was practically spilling over from creativity and enthusiasm. Oh, he could work with them all day.

They decided to call it a day when Maddox knocked on the door, announcing that he would go home now. Seonghwa seemed surprised when they looked at their phone to see how late it had gotten. Laughing, they remarked how time had passed way too quickly and Hongjoong felt his heart sink into his feet. Yes, yes time had passed way too quickly for his liking.

Hongjoong recalled the feeling of him being a child and being sad about the quick passing of time when playing with a friend. If the moment had not been over after just a second, he would have thought of it as a mundane childhood memory instead of another déjà-vu.

Before Seonghwa left, they agreed on meeting up at the same time next week. They said goodbye with a beaming “See you Sunday!” and Hongjoong’s heart wandered back up into his chest to do its acrobatics there. Seonghwa expected him at the cinema.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

The two of them fell into a comfortable rhythm and Hongjoong felt happier than he had ever been. On Sundays, he went to the cinema to watch a new movie, briefly talking to Seonghwa at the entrance. And either, they were still there, doing their job when the movie was over, or their workday had already ended. Either way, they waited for one another to walk home together (they conveniently shared a big portion of their way home). Seonghwa started gifting him the cinema tickets whenever they met up on Thursdays to work on the song they had named ‘Wave’ for a few hours and Hongjoong was in love.

It affected Hongjoong’s personality drastically. When he would usually drown himself in work, simply because he had nothing else to do, he started to take care of himself a little more. He found himself putting more effort into hair color, dying it more regularly to keep a neat appearance in front of the VERY clean Seonghwa. He changed his earrings more often and took his time to pick an outfit including accessories every morning, even at days he did not meet up with Seonghwa. He even filled his fridge with necessities and deep cleaned the entire apartment, in case Seonghwa would come over one day. He changed the bed sheets and brought the trash out more regularly. He even bought a second toothbrush to have one at the studio and one at home and started painting his nails again.

Throughout the next weeks, he learned so much about Seonghwa and every little detail made him fall harder and harder. Seonghwa was not only childishly excited about the zen garden, but they also expressed the same euphoria about things like butterflies, pretty pebbles, or hopscotch games the children of the studio’s neighborhood liked to draw onto the streets. Seonghwa embodied purity.

He also learned that they identified as nonbinary and liked being addressed with they/them pronouns despite being fine with he/him as well. Their eyes had beamed when Hongjoong had addressed Seonghwa with they/them in front of his coworkers naturally one day. They had an elder brother, exactly like Hongjoong, and a loving family that accepted them in everything they did.

He found out that Seonghwa had a friend group of their age, that they loved dearly. They seemed popular but Hongjoong quickly learned that people liked to abuse Seonghwa’s purity to take advantage of them. They talked a lot about their journey of self-acceptance and the years it had taken them to find their place in the world. After hearing how much Seonghwa had been bullied for basically everything they were, he genuinely wondered, how Seonghwa still managed to see the magic of the world so vividly. He wanted to protect them at all costs.

Chapter Text

Déjà-vu

The flirtatious atmosphere of their meetups was obvious to both of them, hence why it was no surprise for Hongjoong when it took Seonghwa only a little over a month to ask him out on a first date. They did not actually call it a date, a little too anxious to give their relationship any names yet. Seonghwa had just asked him for his company to buy their first own skirt. And who was Hongjoong to deny them what they asked for? Both were well aware though, that this shopping trip would be exactly this: A date.

On the day of The Date^TM, work was more of a torture to Hongjoong than it had ever been. Seonghwa would pick him up around 2pm but the hours ahead felt like they were stretching endlessly.

Hongjoong had dyed his hair in nice blonde and black split dye yesterday evening and he was dying to show it to Seonghwa. Hwa – that was how he had started calling them – loved to see him with new hair colors and loved to suggest new ideas to him. Hongjoong hoped, they would let him dye their hair one day. Seonghwa’s hair had potential.

Hongjoong had dressed up nicely in loose pants, a striped turtleneck and a cute beret. He had thought of adding necklaces to the outfit but decided against it, since they could become an inconvenience when shopping for clothes. Instead, he had chosen chunky ear piercings as statement pieces.

He had looked into the mirror that morning and felt gorgeous. So gorgeous, even Maddox had whistled at his sight. Hongjoong’s interest in fashion had been neglected over the past years and he was glad that Seonghwa was bringing some of that creativity back into his life. He had missed dressing up from time to time.

As expected from Seonghwa, they knocked on his studio door at exactly 2pm. Hongjoong was quick to jump up from his chair to open the door for them, earning a gasp when they caught sight of him.

Hongjoong’s reaction was similar. Seonghwa was dressed in black skintight pants and a white loose longsleeve, accentuated with cute accessories. Pretty basic for them but Hongjoong might never get over Seonghwa’s elegance. The only difference from their usual appearance was the makeup they had applied. It was not much, just enough for Hongjoong to notice when he stared at their face for long enough (which he did frequently).

“Joong, your hair- it looks amazing! And your fit. It’s so cute,” they commented after giving Hongjoong a quick hug.

That was another thing, Hongjoong would never get over with. Seonghwa was touchy, not overly so, but they enjoyed sharing soft, careful touches here and there. Hongjoong, on the contrary, had never been the one to yearn for physical touch and would be the last one to initiate. But with Seonghwa, it was a little different. Seonghwa made him feel good.

“And you are stunning as always, Hwa,” compliments came to them both easily now. Both were pretty confident about the affection they had for the other and they shared it openly, no longer hiding behind blushing cheeks and shy remarks.

“Thank you so much, Joong-ah. So, can we leave?” Seonghwa asked holding out their hand.

Hongjoong took it quickly, before the moment was over and they could change their mind.

“Yes, I’m ready. Lead the way!”

Holding hands was still new to them. It had happened only once two weeks ago after a particularly deep movie that left Hongjoong feeling overly emotional. That day had also been the only time, Seonghwa had brought him home all the way to his entrance door because they were so worried about him.

Seonghwa’s hand in his brought back the familiar giddy feelings. They lead them out of the building and towards the subway, hands still clasped tightly. Yep, that definitely felt like a date.

In the subway, they sat down next to each other and while Hongjoong was listening to a story about Seonghwa’s morning lecture, he tried hard to ignore the few people that were staring at them. Two male presenting people holding hands, oh what a scandal…

Goosebumps started covering his arms when out of the blue, another déjà-vu, a reminiscence about a past lover shot into his head. He felt what he had felt before, the cold, dismissive stares of a bunch of strangers at the sight of a gay couple. And seconds after, the moment was over, leaving Hongjoong in distress. He had never had a lover before; he had not even gone on a date until today.

“Joong? Joong-ah are you okay?” Seonghwa’s voice brought him back to reality.

“Huh? Yes. I’m fine Hwa. I’m sorry. You can continue your story, I’m listening.”

Seonghwa looked like they did not believe him a word.

“I just had a déjà-vu. You know, it just happens sometimes. I’m okay,” he tried to assure them.

“Actually, no. I don’t know how it feels,” Seonghwa responded.

“What?”

“I’ve never had a déjà-vu before.”

Hongjoong stared at him in disbelief.

“Never?!”

“Nope, never. As a kid I always wondered how it would feel when others talked about it, but I never got to experience it.”

“Woah, Hwa, that’s- crazy, I’ve had so many déjà-vus in my life, I couldn’t even try to count them.”

How could someone never have a déjà-vu? It did not make sense to Hongjoong.

“How does it feel? How did this one just feel?”

“Well, how do I explain it? You just feel like you’ve lived this moment before. You have a memory about a similar situation. Just now I’ve- I,” he gulped, “I remembered me and my lover being judged by strangers. Even though, you know, I’ve never had a lover before. It always feels like a core memory, yet, at the same time, you know, it never actually happened. And then, it’s over and it seems like a very intense dream. You do forget about them as quickly as your mind processes dreams. I could only tell you about two or three really intense experiences.”

Seonghwa looked a little pale.

“That sounds fucking scary, Hongjoong-ah!”

“Well, it’s as common as dreams for me. Sometimes, they suck, just like nightmares but I don’t mind. I’ve never known anything else.”

They thought about that for a while, before Seonghwa started talking again.

“Can you tell me about them? The déjà-vus you remember? I’m kinda curious.”

“Oh, they are unpleasant memories. They stuck to you like nightmares. But I can tell you if you want,” he squeezed their hand to ease his nerves.

“You don’t have to! You don’t need to recall bad memories because of my nosy ass.”

That made Hongjoong chuckle.

“You’re not nosy, Hwa. I’m glad that you are interested in me.”

Their ears and neck reddened at that.

“If you really wanna know… there’s one that scared me a lot as a child. It was the first time, a déjà-vu had ever become that intense. I was maybe six or seven and was walking home from a friend’s place at night, when I met a tall man. And suddenly, I felt like,” the air in his lungs felt thick, “like I was dying after being hunted down in the dark. It felt so real, it was terrifying, especially since I couldn’t put a name to it at that age.”

As expected, Hongjoong met shocked eyes when he looked up.

“Oh my god, that IS horrible!”

“I guess. But there are also nice ones,” he tried to loosen up the atmosphere a little, “Like on Eden’s wedding a year ago, I recalled my own wedding with a woman in a stunning wedding dress. I was a little disappointed when I came back to reality.”

“But you’re gay,” Seonghwa remarked, which Hongjoong could only respond to with a shrug.

“Beats me.”

“But is there a reason why some people experience déjà-vus and others don’t?” they asked curiously.

To that question, Hongjoong had no answer.

“Don’t know. Maybe, there’s just something wrong with my brain. Or yours, I have no clue.”

“You’ve never done research?”

“Of course, I did. Some Scientists assume that you in fact remember things, but your brain fills up missing details, hence why it can feel so oddly specific. My memory might just be a little bad and yours insanely good.”

Seonghwa did not seem satisfied with this explanation, but the next stop would be their destination, so Hongjoong got up and pulled them along. It was a bit of a tiring topic for Hongjoong since he had already spent hours and hours thinking about it without finding theories that sounded right.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Hongjoong stood in front of a huge rack loaded with skirts in Seonghwa’s favorite secondhand shop, the latter at his side, excitedly rummaging through the fabrics.

“Thanks for coming along, Joong-ah, I don’t think, I would have had the courage to do this by myself.”

“Of course, Hwa. Hey, what about this one?” he pulled out a rather short but loose skirt with a floral pattern.

“Ohh, it’s pretty! But I don’t think, I could wear a skirt shorter than knee-length in public.”

They looked a little sad at that and Hongjoong knew about their inner ‘fuck society’ turmoil without asking.

“But you like it?”

Seonghwa nodded, blush tinting their cheeks.

“Then try it on!”

And without further question, the skirt was added to the small stack on Hongjoong’s arm.

They found a few more pieces, Seonghwa choosing mainly midi to maxi skirts in pleaded or loose cuts.

Hongjoong sat down on a sofa next to the changing rooms and pulled out his notebook to write down a few ideas that had come to him earlier, the discussion about déjà-vus still present in his head. He was quietly humming along to the radio music that played in the store. When the MC announced the next song, the newest hit of a popular boy group, he could not help but chuckle.

“I know, you get déjà-vu...”

Well, that was a coincidence.

Before he could ponder over it, Seonghwa stepped out of their changing room and Hongjoong could not help but gape at them.

Seonghwa was an angel, he was certain of it. No human could casually look that stunning. They were wearing a white flowy multilayered skirt and a matching blouse, it almost looked like a dress.

“What’s that look on your face?” they asked shyly, “Do I look okay?”

“If you look okay? You look ethereal!”

He got up to smoothen out a ruffled layer on the skirt, his hands lingering on their waist for a few seconds before he pulled away and looked up. Only then did he notice that Seonghwa was holding their breath.

“Thanks, Joongie,” they whispered, eye contact unwavering, and the rare sound of this nickname on their tongue caused Hongjoong’s blood to rush into his ears.

“You’re so pretty, Hwa!”

Pretty, it was such a mundane term compared to the words Hongjoong usually used to compliment them. Stunning, Gorgeous, Out Of This World. Yet, it caused a deep red blush to form on their face. But maybe, it was caused by the atmosphere, rather than his choice of words. Was that what people called ‘having a moment’?

Hongjoong failed to look away, too enchanted by the depth of Seonghwa’s eyes. His gaze unlocked from Seonghwa’s and started wandering downwards, along the bridge of their pretty nose, the soft curve of their philtrum and landed on their pink plump lips. Very kissable lips if you asked Hongjoong.

But before he could say anything, Seonghwa pulled away, squirmed out of his touch, and said something about wanting to buy the skirt, in an unsuccessful attempt to act casual. But of course, Hongjoong could read them well enough to know, how much this had just affected them.

Seonghwa disappeared behind the curtain again, obviously fleeing the situation and Hongjoong sat down, knowing not to push too far. He was more than ready for anything that was yet to come in their relationship, but he also knew that he had to give Seonghwa some time. They were not as in touch with their feelings as Hongjoong was. While it was obvious to him what was going on between them, he was not sure if Seonghwa even understood, how in love he was with them. And even though he had never experienced it himself, he did not want to take the phase of ‘crushing on someone and slowly realizing it’ away from them. He would wait until Seonghwa was ready.

It took them a few minutes before Seonghwa stepped out of the dressing room again, smile equally as warm as it had been minutes ago. They were now wearing a black plaid midi skirt, simple and elegant and Hongjoong told them how great they looked.

He stayed put on the sofa to keep the distance between them and showered Seonghwa in compliments whenever they presented a new skirt. He probably was a terrible judge for this little fashion show, eating up every single style Seonghwa tried out, unable to find anything to criticize.

Lasty, Seonghwa entered the room in the floral miniskirt Hongjoong had chosen for him. While their confidence had grown with every outfit change, the insecurity was now back, distorting their pretty face.

“Oh my god, you look so cute!” Hongjoong blurted.

“You sure?” uncertainty wavering in Seonghwa’s voice, “Isn’t this one too revealing?”

“Do YOU like yourself in it?”

Seonghwa nodded.

“I like it, a lot.”

“Then buy it and fuck society, Hwa! The skirt is not short enough to be too sexy or anything like that and accentuates your waist and hip just the right way. You look quite feminine like that,” that comment made them smile a little, “and if you’re comfortable, don’t hesitate.”

Seonghwa did not seem convinced.

“Aaah, I don’t know, Joong-ah. I think it’s my favorite out of everything I tried on, but I can’t see myself actually wearing it in public. I don’t think, I’m confident enough for that.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try!”

“I’ll think about it,” and with that, they were gone again to change back into their own clothing.

After debating forth and back, Seonghwa did not end up buying the mini skirt. At least, they had chosen to buy the white one with the matching blouse alongside three dark skirts. And Hongjoong had managed to encourage them enough to change into the white set for the rest of the afternoon. Hongjoong felt so proud of them when they left the shop hand in hand. He was wearing a new jeans jacket he had bought for himself alongside a few shirts and was holding their shopping bags.

They wanted to visit a store for accessories when Seonghwa got distracted by a bookstore right next to the secondhand shop.

“Can we go in there, Joongie? Please, just for a few minutes,” they pleaded and Hongjoong was way too whipped to deny them anything at that point.

Seonghwa was quick to find the corner with Star Wars related books and Hongjoong decided to sit down again, preferring to watch Seonghwa being in their element over searching for books for himself. The childish excitement in their eyes when they occasionally dumped a random Star Wars fact onto Hongjoong was endearing.

After a while, he got up to tell Seonghwa that he would search for a restroom and that they could wait for him while looking through the books.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

At the end of the day, they had spent over an hour in the bookstore before they went to visit the accessories store and Hongjoong finally got to ask Seonghwa about their obsession with stars.

“It’s because of my name,” they explained, “Seong-Hwa means ‘To be’ or ‘To become a star’ and I’ve been obsessed with that ever since I was a child.”

To become a star, huh?

“Well, you’ve become my star now,” he hadn’t intended to say it out loud but now, the VERY straightforward flirt was hanging in the air between them.

That about taking it slow…

“Joong –,” they murmured, looking down.

Had he gone too far with that? Hongjoong panicked internally at the fear that Seonghwa might draw back now, that their first date would be ruined because of his stupid mouth.

“Hwa, I’m sorry,” he started fiddling with the bags in his hand, “I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I am really glad to have found you. I’m so thankful that Maddox dragged me to the cinema that day.”

Seonghwa raised their head, eyes glistening.

“I’m glad, I’ve met you, too, Kim Hongjoong. You make me happy.”

Hongjoong’s heart melted into a puddle.

“Thank you,” he was not entirely sure why he was thanking them. For being honest? Or for not running away? For accepting his feelings?

He squeezed their hand lightly with his free one.

“It’s a pretty name. Seonghwa. Sounds so elegant.”

He could see the silent ‘thank you’ for moving on from the charged atmosphere in their eyes.

“Right? I love it, too. You know, how many nonbinary people change their names to accommodate their newfound identity? I’ve thought about it, too. But I’d never give up being a star. Also, read it backwards!”

“Huh?” Hongjoong took a few seconds to understand what they meant, Hwa-Seong Park, “Oh, Hwa-Seong. You’re not only the stars, but you’re also the Mars! That’s really a cool name.”

“And I’m proud of it,” they smiled, hands coming up to play with their starry earrings, “What does Hongjoong mean?”

Hongjoong had never been one to care about his name too much.

“Oh, it means ‘to be the center of the world’ or something similar.”

“But that’s pretty cool, too!”

yeah, he guessed, it was a cool name, “I just don’t think it really suits me. I do not want to be the center of anything. I would have become a singer and not a producer if I wanted attention.”

Seonghwa looked like they wanted to say something but stopped themself.

“Hmm, you’re right. But I think, you are very Hongjoong. The sound of it suits you if that make sense. Couldn’t imagine you being a Minhyuk,” Seonghwa giggled and Hongjoong joined his laughter.

“No, I’m for sure not a Minhyuk. I’m me and pretty okay with that.”

“As you should,” they responded, finding his eyes again and for a few seconds they just stared at each other.

But quicky, Seonghwa withdrew from him and eyed the displayed earrings next to them.

“What do you think about those,” and of course, they showed him a pair of dangling stars with little gemstones at the center. Hongjoong would never be able to look at anything star shaped again without his heart losing its rhythm.

“Cute! Stars suit you, Hwa!”

“You should buy a set, too! So, we have matching earrings!” Seonghwa suggested and Hongjoong was a goner. There was no way, he would survive another day with those heart palpitations.

Seonghwa bought not only one but three sets of star earrings plus one pair for Hongjoong. They insisted on paying and it embarked a little banter. Hongjoong complained that Seonghwa already gifted him a ticket for the cinema every week, to which they responded that they were practically stealing Hongjoong’s work time and owed him far more than just ten dollar a week. The cashier waited patiently, enjoying the drama a little too much.

Hongjoong was well aware that they must seem like an old married couple. He would cry about it tonight.

Since it had gotten quite late, they agreed on calling it a day but not before Hongjoong dragged Seonghwa into a drug store because he needed new bleach and dye. Not that he planned to fry his hair anytime soon, he just needed a reason to drag out the end of their date.

Seonghwa watched him musing about the variety of colors and suggested a lavender purple which Hongjoong added to his basket without doubting for even a split second. If they wanted to see him in purple, there was nothing easier than that.

“I’ve always wondered if hair dye would suit me,” Seonghwa spoke.

“Of course! You’d look so good with colorful hair.”

Hongjoong could see it in his head, Seonghwa with a vibrant red or an ash grey, it would be dangerous for his sanity.

“You think so? Could you dye my hair, then?” they asked with the purest smile.

“Wait, are you sure? Just like that?” he’d expected it to be more difficult to talk them into trying.

“Yes, you’re experienced. And I’ve just always been afraid of fucking it up. But with a professional like you, nothing can go wrong, right?”

They looked so hopeful that Hongjoong did not have the heart to tell them that he, in fact, did not know what he was doing 90% of the time and just always prayed for the best.

“Alright, then pick a color and I’ll get you some bleach and next week, we’ll massacre your hair.”

When he came back to Seonghwa, he found a pastel pink dye lying in their basket and Hongjoong knew, doomsday was nearing.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

They left the city center to walk home hand in hand, Hongjoong insisting on bringing them up to their front door as a thank you for the earrings. They walked in silence, enjoying the chilly night air and the warmth of each other’s hand in their own. After talking all day, the quiet moment was comfortable, probably even the most romantic thing that had happened all day. It was only a ten-minute walk from the subway station and those ten minutes went by way too quickly.

“Joong-ah, thanks for the amazing day. I’m so thankful for your support.”

Hongjoong did not want to know, how high his pulse was. They were standing in the entrance door to the apartment complex Seonghwa’s apartment was in, neither of them ready to leave.

“I’m glad, you can be comfortable around me, Seonghwa. Actually- I have something for you.”

His heart rate increased even more as he pulled the miniskirt out of his own shopping bag and handled it to Seonghwa.

“I got it when I ‘went to the restroom’ at the bookstore. I think, you should have it.”

He would have expected anything when he searched for Seonghwa’s eyes, but not to find them glimmering from tears threatening to spill.

“But I told you, I’m not confident to- “

Hongjoong interrupted them before they could talk down on themself.

“You said, you are too afraid to wear this skirt just yet. But let’s work on that and we’ll get you there. I am sure that you’ll find the confidence to wear it one day. And I will be by your side to achieve that,” it was the first promise regarding their future that he had ever given them, “You looked like you loved yourself in that skirt and I- “

The rest of the sentence never left his lips because he got interrupted by a crying Seonghwa throwing themself into his arms, hugging him tightly.

After the initial shock, he reciprocated the hug, basking in the feeling.

Hongjoong did not know how it felt to be genderqueer like Seonghwa. He could not relate to the struggles and fears they had grown up with and he could not even imagine how hard their puberty must have been. But he knew that to him, it did not matter how Seonghwa identified. In Hongjoong’s opinion, their femininity just made them even cuter and more loveable. And if supporting them on their journey was really that easy, he was more than ready to do so.

“Thank you so fucking much, Joong. Thank you so so much for believing in me,” they sobbed out and Hongjoong could not help to cry a little as well.

As quickly as the hug had happened, it was over again and Seonghwa took Hongjoong’s hand in theirs to look at him with teary red eyes. They looked like they were debating about something.

Before Hongjoong could ask about it, he felt himself being pulled forward, a light kiss landing on his cheek.

Quicker than he could react, Seonghwa turned around and stormed up the stairs, out of his sight of view, leaving a shocked Hongjoong.

It took him several minutes to process and collect his thoughts before he left, praying they had not watched him just standing there through a window.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Hongjoong arrived at home half an hour later. Like in a trance, he changed into his pajamas and sat down onto his bed.

His phone showed him an unread message from Seonghwa.

“You might not be the center of the entire world. But you’re the center of MY world.”

Hongjoong was glad that his pillow muffled his screams so well. Because else, his neighbors would have called the police.

Chapter Text

Take Me Home

Because their first date had replaced their weekly meetup for Seonghwa’s project, the next time they met, was at the cinema. Hongjoong had responded to Seonghwa’s life-altering message with a simple “Thank you, my star” after much deliberation. He had debated whether to flirt back and make Seonghwa explain what they meant but he was determined to let Seonghwa lead the pace. Still, he wanted to make it clear that he was fine with this development.

They had not responded to it and Hongjoong understood. He understood that Seonghwa needed some space to think and understand their feelings. During a discussion about their sexualities a few weeks ago, he had learned that Seonghwa had never been in love before, that his attraction never exceeded little crushes on attractive strangers. Falling in love must be scary for them.

What Hongjoong did not understand, was why he did not feel like that. Sure, he was in a constant state of panic around them and tossed and turned around in bed all night because of the butterflies in his stomach. But he understood what was going on, he could read the signs despite this being his first love, as well. He embraced it naturally and was more excited than anxious about their future. He dared to say that he was pretty rational about it.

Today’s movie was a futuristic movie named ‘Take Me Home’ about a person growing up in a gigantic tech city, yearning to experience nature at least once in their lifetime. If it did not feel so relevant to meet Seonghwa – to show them that he had not been scared away – he would have dipped on it.

So here he was, more nervous than he had ever been but trying hard to hide it and appear confident in front of Seonghwa. He did not want to give them any space for doubt.

He took one last deep breath, as if he were about to dive underwater without a snorkel or oxygen tanks and opened the cinema door. The smell of popcorn flooded his senses, a familiar thing that eased his mind a little.

Immediately, he spotted Seonghwa who was wearing the blouse of the female’s work uniform combined with the male-cut pants. It made them so androgynous, anyone who did not know better would stop and wonder of what gender they were. He knew, how happy that made them.

Hongjoong was glad that Seonghwa had started being more comfortable with exploring alternative fashion. They still were nervous in public, but at least the cinema provided them a safe space to experiment a little.

He walked up to the short queue, watching Seonghwa doing their job. It sparked a giddy feeling.

Up and down, and rip. “Enjoy the movie!” Up and down, and rip. “Enjoy the movie!”

Hongjoong remembered the first time he had watched them, when he had not even known their beautiful name. He reminisced how they had grown from strangers to just a little more than friends in such a short period of time and how they already felt like home. It felt righter than everything Hongjoong had ever done.

When he stood right in front of Seonghwa and they looked up to notice him, they stopped in their tracks, breath hitching.

“Hi,” they croaked out.

Seonghwa was wearing their matching earrings, just like him. A little hint for the other to find, a small message because they had to act normal in public despite the need to talk, despite the uncertainty.

“Hi,” Hongjoong responded smartly and handled them his ticket.

Seonghwa took it, hand a little shaky and folded it up and down – and up and down again for good measurement – and ripped the flap off, more carefully than Hongjoong had ever seen.

God, were they really that nervous about seeing Hongjoong? Cute. Illegally cute.

“Uhm, enjoy the movie,” they stuttered.

“Thank you, Hwa. I will,” It’s okay, I feel the same, you’re safe, he tried to put that into his words, earning a little smile from Seonghwa.

With a comforting warmth that sparked in his chest and spread through his entire body, he left the hall to watch the movie. There would be no second movie tonight, which Hongjoong was glad about. It meant that Seonghwa was done with their job before him and had the choice whether to wait for Hongjoong or not. But he was almost certain that they would be there.

He did not get disappointed. When he stepped out of the cinema and was met by the chilly evening air, a very jittery Seonghwa awaited him.

They opened their arms, offering a hug without taking the choice away from him. Of course, Hongjoong accepted. He knew, Seonghwa needed that hug, and he craved the touch equally as much. When they fell into each other, the tension dissolved into thin air as Seonghwa relaxed in his hold.

“How have you been, my star,” Hongjoong whispered into their shoulder.

“I’m fine,” it sounded genuine, “I’ve been pretty busy with studies, I’m sorry for procrastinating responding to you.”

They sighed.

“It’s okay, Hwa. I understand.”

It was everything that had to be said at that moment. Seonghwa squeezed him tightly before they parted from the hug to look at him, face beaming.

“I’ve met up with my partner from Animations yesterday. He loves the progress on our song. He said, he can’t wait to animate the finished thing.”

Hongjoong’s heart jumped.

“That’s amazing Hwa. We’ll not disappoint him!”

He was glad, Seonghwa had returned to being comfortable around him so quickly, glad that it was not awkward. In fact, any kind of discomfort was immediately gone with their hug, and they immersed into a conversation about their past week, hands naturally finding the other when they started walking. How quickly the tension had dropped was just another proof to Hongjoong that they were meant to be.

When they arrived at the crossroad where he had to turn left while Seonghwa had to turn right, Hongjoong experienced an intense déjà-vu. He remembered a situation, in which he had to decide whether to follow a person or not. It had been a significant decision that had altered his life. It left him with an ugly chill running down his spine.

He was torn out of his trance by a tight squeeze of his hand.

“Joong-ah, are you listening?”

Oh, right. Seonghwa was talking about their meetup with the animation major.

“No, I’m sorry,” he shook his head, “I had a déjà-vu.”

“What was it about? If you want to talk about it?” they asked in careful curiosity, knowing not to force Hongjoong into telling them.

“I had to decide whether to part ways with a significant other ultimately or not.”

“And how did you decide?” they asked, voice wavering with anxiety at the mention of a significant other.

Instead of responding, Hongjoong tightened his grip and pulled them around the right corner to walk towards Seonghwa’s place. He did not know how he had decided in his déjà-vu, but he knew the clear answer in this situation. He would follow Seonghwa everywhere. Even if it were just to bring them home after work.

They fell into silence as they continued walking. It was comfortable, just like their way home after their first date.

And exactly like a few days ago, they were standing in Seonghwa’s entrance door again, air charged with something that made it hard for Hongjoong to breathe.

“Joongie, are you free on Tuesday?” Seonghwa asked coyly.

“Don’t you have a lecture to attend?” was his response.

They shook their head.

“Our prof is sick and there is a street festival I’d love to visit. All the local stores are participating. And I thought, well, we can’t cancel our Thursday appointment again. But” they started rambling, “I kind of really want to go with you…”

Seonghwa’s cuteness was unbearable for Hongjoong.

Hongjoong took both their hands in his before he responded.

“I’ll make sure to be free then,” he did not mention that he would have to pull at least two all-nighters to compensate for the lost work time, “I’d love to go with you.”

A smile started stretching over Seonghwa’s sweet face, reaching their eyes. They took a step forward and Hongjoong held his breath in anticipation.

Slowly, Seonghwa closed the last bit of distance between them to plant a feather-light kiss onto Hongjoong’s cheek.

In stark contrast to last time, they pulled back slowly, searched for his eyes, and allowed Hongjoong to tighten his grip on their hands. Seonghwa’s eyes held a whole firmament of stars and emotions, they glimmered prettily under the dim light. Seonghwa was not able to express their feelings verbally but allowed him to understand with letting him look right into their soul through their eyes. Hongjoong found so much love there.

“I’ll pick you up at 11. Good night, Kim Hongjoong.”

“Good night, Park Seonghwa!”

Hesitantly, they pulled back fully and walked towards the stairs, turning around several times to gift Hongjoong another angelic smile. Hongjoong could get used to this.

Still Here

Obviously, his doorbell rang at exactly 11am on Tuesday morning.

I could adjust my clocks after them, Hongjoong thought. He had watched Seonghwa pacing up and down the street for the past five minutes from his small window. He had opted to invite them inside but wanted to spare them the embarrassment of being caught being early.

The second, he saw them disappearing inside his entryway, he bolted up and grabbed his keys and his opened energy can to open the door.

They hugged shortly but warmly and Hongjoong noticed the difference of how their greeting felt compared to just two weeks ago. The short, barely there, hesitant hugs had grown into meaningful, warm touches that felt like homecoming.

“You look good, Hwa. You’re so handsome today.”

Hongjoong had figured out that Seonghwa’s gender expression ebbed and flowed from time to time, that there were days when they felt more like dressing masc presenting and days when they wanted to wear skirts and cute stuff. Today seemed like a masc day. Their hair was pushed back with wax, styled a little rebelliously with a leather jacket and ripped jeans. They looked like a rockstar. It was a style he had not really seen on Seonghwa before, and it took his breath away. He decided to tell them.

“That hairstyle is insanely attractive on you; I might just pass away,” he grinned.

Seonghwa’s face heated up, cheeks matching their dark lip tint. They were a little more fidgety than usual.

“Thank you, I was not sure if you would like it as much as the cute stuff…”

Hongjoong sighed, grabbing their hand.

“Seonghwa, I told you before, I like every side of you,” it felt a little like scolding, “You’re free to express yourself however you want, and I am curious about the things I have yet to learn about you. And – “, now he was the one to blush, “That masculine style looks really hot on you.”

Seonghwa hid their face behind their hand at that, but Hongjoong could still see them biting down a smile. He decided to be a little risky and planted his first kiss onto Seonghwa’s cheek. If it was okay for them to kiss him, doing it vice versa should be no problem, right?

Seonghwa kept silent for a few more seconds, still hiding their face.

“I’m glad, you think like that, Joong-ah.”

“Mhm,” Hongjoong squeezed their hand again, “shall we go?”

They started walking towards the subway station, hands swinging between them.

“Hwa?”

He received a hum in response.

“Can I ask you, why you were so nervous about this outfit? I accept you in skirts and blouses, why shouldn’t I accept you in Jeans and leather jacket?”

Seonghwa took a minute to form a response.

“Well… Rationally, I know that you are not like that. But when you come out as nonbinary and start wearing clothing made for the opposite gender to which you were assigned at birth, it’s difficult enough to find validation. But at some point, people eventually accept that you’re expressing yourself differently now. It’s just that,” they obviously struggled to express what they were feeling, “When you’re like me and you’re appearing more feminine for a while and go back to a more masculine style afterwards, people tend to invalidate or even question your gender again. As if I was suddenly not nonbinary anymore, just because I am comfortable in clothing made for the gender I was assigned at birth. I still prefer to be perceived as nonbinary rather than male and many people do not understand that.”

Their little speech frustrated Hongjoong. How could people be so narrow-minded? The more he learned about Seonghwa’s struggles, the more he wanted to be their safe space.

“People are stupid, Hwa. To me you are and will always be just Seonghwa, no matter if you decide to wear dresses and high heels or combat boots and leather pants. I hope, you know that. It won’t change anything.”

Seonghwa giggled at the mention of high heels.

“You think, I could wear high heels? I’d just fall within seconds and break my ankles. I do prefer the combat boots.”

Hongjoong joined their laugher.

“But seriously, thank you for thinking like this. Many people around me are genuinely trying to be open for the changes but don’t manage to change their image they have of me. They still stigmatize me a lot and it’s insane to me that you just- don’t. You are practically the only person that uses ‘they/them’ for me. While I understand that it can be hard to change, I wish people would at least try. It’s why I still offer the ‘he/him.’ Even my closest friends struggle to see me as what I am.”

Hongjoong stopped in his tracks to pull them into a hug when he noticed how overly emotional they had become.

“I’m trying my best to make you feel safe, Hwa. I don’t see a difference between you changing your style from time to time and – for example - me, dying my hair a new color every few seconds.”

Seonghwa squeezed his waist while taking a deep breath to suppress tears.

“There is no one I feel safer with. Hongjoong-ah, when I’m with you, I stop overthinking my identity and can just be myself. Thank you.”

It felt a little too much like a love confession and Hongjoong did not know what to respond, except for a small “You’re welcome.”

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

The situation reminded Hongjoong of a song he had written once.

In the subway, he took out his messy cable headphones and offered them to Seonghwa.

“There’s a song I want to show you, Hwa. I’ve never got to sell it, but I want you to hear it.”

He had named this piece “Still here.” It was a song about supporting someone through their hardships and staying by their side through good and bad times.

Sometimes, it was easier for Hongjoong to express his feelings through music. He wanted Seonghwa to understand that he would never leave them, especially not for their identity.

Seonghwa listened and maybe, they even cried a little. They called it a green song. After Hongjoong asked what that ment, they explained that the song felt intensely alive in the same way the green of grass and trees was proof of life.

Hongjoong would never be able to listen to “Still Here” again without remembering Seonghwa and how lively they were.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

An hour later, they were strolling over the street market. Hongjoong had bought pink cotton candy for Seonghwa. It was certainly a sight; Seonghwa in their intimidating looking outfit, eyeing the pink sugary cloud with sparkling eyes. It was just too endearing.

He took out his phone to take a picture. When Seonghwa heard the shutter sound, they looked up and huffed in fake offense, pouting into the camera cutely and Hongjoong simply took another picture.

Amused, he stored the phone away to pat their hair.

“I can’t help it. You are too adorable.”

At that, he received a very (not) intimidating glare.

They continued wandering around hand in hand, buying some small stuff from artists here and there. (Seonghwa managed to find three new pairs of star earrings, what else was to expect?)

A few hours had passed like that, when they stumbled over a sandwich board in front of a store, advertising Fortune Telling, Hand- and Face reading.

Seonghwa stopped in their tracks, staring at the sign deep in thought.

“Have you ever been to a fortune teller, Joong-ah?”

Hongjoong shook his head. Things like this had never been of relevance for him. Growing up that early had left no space for spirituality and superstitions.

“No, never. Have you?”

“Me neither,” they said quietly, still staring at the letters in front of them.

“Hwa, do you believe in things like this?”

It would fit them, Hongjoong thought. With how colorful the world was for Seonghwa, there must be some space in their heart for spirituality.

“I don’t know?” they finally looked at Hongjoong, “Maybe? Never pondered about it too much. I just always thought that there has to be some kind of magic in the world.”

And they were opening Hongjoong’s eyes for this magic, too, Hongjoong added in his head.

“Do you want to give it a try?”

Seonghwa nodded carefully.

“Only if you’re comfortable with that, too.”

Of course, he was. His point from earlier still stood. For everything Seonghwa wanted to try and experience, he would be by their side.

They entered the building and Hongjoong, despite agreeing on this, felt a little nervous. The inside of the shop looked completely different from what he had expected. He only knew about the western pop culture stereotypes of overstuffed tents full of crystals, tarot cards and magical crystal balls.

The shop they found themselves in was nothing like that. It was a clean and modern place, furnished in a minimalistic style. A cashier sent them to a separate room, where they heard a female voice shouting from a back room, telling them to sit down and wait for a minute.

They did as told, Seonghwa anxiously fiddling with Hongjoong’s rings.

“You sure, you still wanna do this?” he whispered, worried that Seonghwa would be the one being uncomfortable now.

They just nodded and smiled their sweet smile.

A minute later, a middle-aged lady approached them, beaming with enthusiasm.

“Ooooh, true soulmates! What a pleasure to meet you! I haven’t met a couple destined to be in such a long time!”

Seonghwa stiffened and Hongjoong suppressed a groan. Of course, she would treat them as something super special to make them pay for the services. He just hoped that her attempt at complimenting them did not make Seonghwa too uncomfortable. They were not even official yet, after all. He gave himself a push to at least try to take this seriously, for the sake of Seonghwa.

“What lead you here?” she continued to speak, “How can I assist you?”

Seonghwa made no attempt to speak up, so Hongjoong decided to take matters into his own hands.

“We would like you to read our future, however that looks, ma’am.”

“Aah, it’s your first time, isn’t it? Let me read your faces, there is so much to read in both of you!”

Hongjoong agreed. When she asked who would like to start, he volunteered, sensing Seonghwa’s nerves. If this ended up making them too uncomfortable, they could still dip out after Hongjoong’s reading.

“What is your name, young man?” she asked.

“Kim Hongjoong.”

“Hongjoong, the center of the world, I see. Your face tells of a lot of wisdom, Hongjoong. All the dips and dimples tell me about all the lives you have lived already. You’ve died and been reborn many, many times. You’ve experienced all kind of traumata and wonders. You are a wise soul, so full of experience. Yet, you’ve never forgotten to be a kind, empathetic person. Many souls forget to be kind, the more they learn. But you are a good soul, Kim Hongjoong. This last life of yours will not be filled with much wealth but you are not yearning for it, are you? You are happy with what you have and had. Your eyes tell me that you have served your purpose on earth many lives ago and that you are almost ready to transcend. But you are still searching for something,” she glanced at Seonghwa, “You’ve finally found it, haven’t you? Your restless, old soul can finally find peace, now that you have met your soulmate. You deserve it. Cherish the time you have left; it might be the best life you have ever been born in.”

Now, she shifted her attention towards Seonghwa.

“And you, how did your parents name you?”

“Park Seonghwa,” they whispered.

“The one who will become a star. A wonderful name for a young soul like yours. There are no soul scars on your face yet. Looking at you, I see the white canvas of a first life. So pure, curious and unexperienced. You don’t know who you are yet, do you?”

They shook their head, not daring to speak.

“You’ll find your answer, don’t worry. Maybe not in this life but there are so many lives yet to come. Seonghwa, you can be lucky that you got to find your soulmate so early. He will not be with you for your next lives, but you can learn so much from him. It will fulfill not only this, but also all your future lives. Many souls never get to meet their true second half. Hongjoong would have almost never met his. He will lead you through this life. You are on the right path.”

She smiled warmly.

“Hongjoong, take good care of your young star, or it will burn out way too early.”

And with that, she stood up and left the room, leaving a pale Hongjoong and a quiet Seonghwa.

Chapter Text

Take Me Home – IDIOTAPE Remix

They sat there for minutes, before Hongjoong got up to leave and Seonghwa followed. Without saying a word, Hongjoong paid at the counter and walked out of the store, searching for the nearest bench to sit down and take a deep breath. Seonghwa sat down next to him.

“They didn't use any gendered terms for me but for you, they did,” Seonghwa said quietly after a few minutes.

Hongjoong did not respond. It was as if he had been hypnotized. His head was empty.

After a few minutes, Seonghwa tried again.

“Joong, do you think, there is a truth in what she said?”

Hongjoong took another minute to respond.

“Hwa, I think, she said the truth.”

“What do you mean?” slowly, it seemed to dawn onto them, how serious this was for Hongjoong.

“Everything,” he gabbed for Seonghwa’s hand and gripped it tightly, “Think about it. It makes sense. You- You always find so much joy in the smallest things. And- And I- The déjà-vus, Hwa. Maybe, I really died at the age of six once. Maybe I really married a pretty woman once…,” he trailed off, his vision becoming blurry from tears.

“You- You really believe what she said?”

Hongjoong could just nod, before he broke down.

They were in public, sitting on a random bench and Hongjoong was crying his heart out. Mature, indifferent, incapable of expressing emotions Hongjoong sobbed his heart out as if there was no tomorrow. Maybe, there really wasn’t…

And Seonghwa held him, quiet and overwhelmed but determined to be there for him. Even in this mental state, Hongjoong could read him so well.

He cried and cried and cried. People passing by looked at him in worry but moved on at the sight of Seonghwa holding him. Seonghwa, who was his soulmate, apparently.

Hongjoong cried for almost half an hour before he calmed down and managed to detach himself from Seonghwa. They kept a protective and comforting arm around the small of his waist, rubbing cycles into his back.

“I’m sorry, Hwa,” he croaked out, nose stuffed and eyes hurting, “I- I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I just, I- “

Seonghwa interrupted him with gently stroking away the tears from his face.

“Ssh, you don’t have to explain,” they said quietly, voice thick as well but brimming with so much love.

“But I want to,” Hongjoong whispered and gulped, feeling the soft touch of their hand stroking his cheek, “It just makes so much sense. It’s like- Like she just answered all the questions I’ve never found an answer to. I- I’ve never believed in anything like this. I always thought, we’d be born and once we die it’s over and that’s it. I’ve never had a reason to doubt that.”

Seonghwa inhaled sharply, their hand movements stopping.

“But what she just told us- Hwa, am I losing my mind?”

They did not respond immediately, sparking anxiety in Hongjoong’s chest. But soon enough, they resumed to stroking the tears away.

“I don’t think you are losing your mind. Different people have different beliefs,” they said carefully, “and the thought of reincarnation… It always made me feel at peace to think about it. Maybe, it is true.”

“You believe me?” Hongjoong hoped. He really hoped, Seonghwa would take him serious.

Seonghwa nodded, a smile stretching over their face.

“It would explain why I have never experienced a déjà-vu before and why I struggled so hard to find my identity as a teenager. Even though, it scares me a little. The thought of all the lives I have ahead of me. While you…”

They failed to complete the sentence, but Hongjoong understood what they wanted to say. It was his last. He’d leave Seonghwa behind one day.

The soft caresses of his face stopped, no tears falling from his eyes anymore and Seonghwa leaned into his space again, resting their head on his shoulder.

“But that also means that we- We’re…,” Seonghwa turned their head to hide in the crook of Hongjoong’s neck.

He automatically lifted his arms to meet them in an embrace, hiding his nose in their fluffy hair.

The following whisper was muffled by their position. Hongjoong would have missed it, had he not known what they were about to say.

“Soulmates.”

The silence following this revelation was broken by Seonghwa giggling lightly after a few seconds, breaking the charged atmosphere.

“I actually wanted to confess to you today,” they whispered and Hongjoong listened, “I wanted to be super romantic and watch the twilight with you. I wanted to kiss you at dusk and tell you how much I love you.”

He held them tighter to his heart.

“I guess, that’s not necessary anymore,” they added.

“You can still do that,” Hongjoong whispered. He tried to say it in a comforting tone, but his voice broke, “I already knew though.”

Seonghwa looked up abruptly, eyes wide.

“You what?”

Hongjoong’s face softened at their all too familiar cluelessness.

“I've known that you love – or well, at least like – me for a while. You are so easy to read, Seonghwa. And I love you, too. Finding out that you are my soulmate is at least ten times better than a confession at dusk,” he broke the eye contact and added more quietly, “But if you want your first kiss to be special like that, I suppose that could be arranged.”

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

It was insane, how much five minutes could change; how the visit of a random store on a causal Tuesday could alter the life of two normal people.

Neither of them were in the mindset for shopping anymore, so Seonghwa suggested to leave the street festival and spend the rest of the day at a park near their apartment. During the entire way back, Seonghwa was practically glued to Hongjoong’s side. While walking, they had their arm wrapped around his waist and in the subway, they clasped his arm tightly like a koala. They seemed desperate to never let go again, as if Hongjoong would disappear the second they stopped touching.

Hongjoong was not mentally prepared for how touchy Seonghwa’s love language was. He would have pushed anyone else away if they glued themselves to him like this but when Seonghwa touched him, the tingle of his skin felt pleasant and made him feel warm. He never wanted to let go either.

It was the same feeling of homecoming he felt whenever they hugged. Now, he could finally pinpoint it. If the fortune teller’s words were true, it was the feeling of finding what he had searched for for God knows how many lifetimes. And the more they touched, the longer he could think about it, the more he believed in her words.

It was overwhelming. When you believe in something all your life and suddenly, your world view gets turned upside down, you need a minute to process.

Hence why they did not talk much. Seonghwa lead him towards their apartment to get picnic utensils wordlessly. It was the first time, Hongjoong saw their apartment from the inside, but he stayed put at the entrance. He only watched Seonghwa scurrying through the room. Seonghwa, his Seonghwa who was in love with him. Who was his soulmate. The background was irrelevant, blurry. His focus was narrowed onto this ethereal human being who was his now. And he was theirs. Apparently, they had always been each other’s without knowing.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

They sat down on a blanket in the middle of a small grass ocean next to a pond. The air was already cooling down a little, so Seonghwa immediately cuddled up into Hongjoong’s lap. Their breaths slowly evened out as the minutes passed and their senses came back to life.

Hongjoong started to feel the prick of the chilly air in his face, started sensing the bumpy ground under his hand that was pressed into the blanket and the whistle of the wind in the reed. His other hand was sunken into Seonghwa’s hair.

The hair wax had given up a while ago and their fringe was back down, covering their face messily. Hongjoong used it as an opportunity to play with the strands.

He already thought that Seonghwa had fallen asleep when they started giggling.

“Joong, look! There is a coot family! Ooh look how adorable the chicks are!”

Hongjoong felt like crying. Everything had just changed for them, but it was all still the same after all. He was still quiet producer Hongjoong and Seonghwa was still the lively sweet human that showed him how pretty the world was when Hongjoong had stopped seeing it years ago.

“Hwa, did I ever tell you how much I love your mind? You see all those beautiful things with so much wonder. Please never lose your innocence.”

Seonghwa cuddled further into him and laughed when two coot chicks started chasing each other.

They watched the sun going down without talking much except for small remarks from Seonghwa about things they noticed; how the daisies were closed now, sleeping when they had still been open an hour ago. How the birds sang pretty melodies and all those small wonders.

The sunlight was replaced by the dim light of street lanterns and a sky lit up by air pollution. In cities like this, it was never really night, but Seonghwa even found joy in the bugs dancing under the streetlights.

“One day, I’ll show you the Cassiopeia, Hwa.”

“The what?” Seonghwa sat up from the position they had been in ever since they had arrived and Hongjoong noticed how stiff his limbs were. He did not care, though.

“The Cassiopeia. It’s my favorite constellation. Cassiopeia is visible all year and her stars are some of the brightest on the firmament. As a child from the countryside, I searched for it every night. But this city is so bright at night, I haven’t seen her in years.”

He took a break to place his hands on either side of Seonghwa’s face.

“Your eyes hold the stars, Hwa. I haven’t seen them in so long, but you brought them back to me. I want to show you the firmament one day, my beautiful, beautiful star.”

His quiet declaration faded into a whisper.

“I love you, Park Seonghwa.”

Oh, how he loved their name.

Hongjoong was certain that he saw even more stars being born in their eyes at his words. They were close, remarkably close and he felt at home.

“I love you, too,” after a deep breath, they added, “Please kiss me.”

And Hongjoong would be the last one to say no. Seonghwa wanted a magical romantic kiss and he’d do his best to give it to them.

Their first kiss happened under the streetlights of a park, the insects around them glistening as if they were tiny stars and it really felt as if two destined souls had found each other. There could have not been any better first kiss.

Seonghwa’s lips were hesitant and careful but endlessly soft. Hongjoong felt their warmth spreading into his whole body from everywhere they touched.

He did not forget about their surroundings like it was always described in books and movies. He did not feel like floating. He felt grounded and safe, taking in the moment with all it’s wonderful details.

He hoped, Seonghwa would come back to this moment in déjà-vu’s in all their future lifetimes.

Chapter Text

Blue Summer

Hongjoong would have never thought that he would kiss anyone in his – in THIS – lifetime. He had thought that he would die single, and it had never bothered him. But now that he had experienced it, he never wanted to miss it again. He never wanted to miss Seonghwa again.

Hongjoong had slept at Seonghwa’s place that night, too tired to head back home after they had left the park late at night. The exhaustion of the day had lulled him to sleep within minutes, he only distantly remembered wanting to sleep on the sofa but passing out cuddled up to his lover in their bed. HIS LOVER.

He woke up only a few hours later from his alarm that painfully reminded Hongjoong of reality, of the fact that he had a job to do. At an ungodly hour, he rummaged through Seonghwa’s place, appreciating their apartment for the first time.

It was scarily clean and the exact opposite to Hongjoong’s sad, empty place. The walls were papered in white, spare for a few Star Wars posters in the hallway but that was about it with modesty. Their kitchen was filled with various utensils, some of which Hongjoong had never even seen before, the windowsills were decorated with flowerpots and the fridge was covered in souvenir magnets and postcards from all around the world.

Their sofa was full of cute plushies – most looked too new to be childhood toys – and the separate bedroom that was big enough for a king-sized bed hid a glass cabinet filled with an impressing Lego Star Wars collection. Everywhere Hongjoong looked, he could find little trinkets and figurines but there was not a single speck of dust in sight.

The apartment was quite spacious and bright with big windows (decorated with the cutest granny curtains). Hongjoong knew that Seonghwa’s parents were paying their rent, hence why they could afford a modern place like this off campus.

Yawning, he left the bathroom after a quick shower to find Seonghwa standing in the kitchen, dressed in the sweetest Star Wars pajamas, seemingly in the process of cooking breakfast. He stepped closer, careful not to startle them.

“Hwa, my star,” it had to be mentioned as often as humanly possible, “why are you up so early? You could sleep in today… “

“But I wanted to wish you a nice day,” they responded, the remains of sleepiness making their voice much deeper.

Hongjoong was so, so, so deeply in love. He came closer and pulled them into a short kiss, just because he could. It sparked the same feeling as the day before.

“You are too cute; I might just die.”

“Stop,” Seonghwa blushed, “I just thought, you should eat something before working all day.”

Hongjoong decided not to mention that he never had breakfast.

“Which proves my point. You’re the sweetest,” he yawned, “Where’s your coffee machine?"

Seonghwa chuckled, “I don’t have one.”

At that, Hongjoong was suddenly wide awake.

“What do you mean?”

How could one survive without coffee? How could a student like Seonghwa be alive without caffeine?

“I don’t drink coffee, Joong. Never did. I never wanted to get addicted to things like this.”

It was just another proof, how pure Seonghwa really was.

“Mh, lucky you, I would not survive a day without it,” he grumbled.

Usually, missing out on his morning coffee always resulted in Hongjoong having a terrible mood all day. A day without coffee was automatically a bad day. But it was not the biggest news that Seonghwa was the great exception, was it? How could he be mad when such an ethereal human being got up extra early to cook meat for him?

He was so lucky to have them, even if it started to scare Hongjoong a little, how much they changed his everyday mindset with just existing. Wasn’t he an entirely different person than he had been a month ago? All thanks to Seonghwa. His partner.

Seonghwa sat across him at their small dining table, meat, rice and egg steaming between them. Seonghwa seemed to glow, and it erased all the tiredness from Hongjoong’s limbs to just look at them. Better than any coffee could ever be.

He could get used to this. He knew that he was getting way ahead of himself. They had only met less than two months ago but sitting together at the dining table like this made something in him spark. He yearned to see them every day in their cute pajamas, hair ruffled and voice deep. He wished he could start every day with so much love.

“Hwa, about tomorrow, do you want to come to my place to work on our song, instead of the studio? We could dye your hair afterwards.”

Seonghwa’s face beamed.

“I’d love to! And I can finally see your apartment as well!”

At that, Hongjoong grimaced. He was a little ashamed of how little he took care of himself.

“Don’t expect too much. It’s, well, quite empty.”

“What do you mean?” they raised their head in question.

“I- uhm, I spend more time at the studio than my apartment and I never cared to make it a nice place.”

“That’s fine, for me, I won’t judge,” Seonghwa looked confused but smiled nevertheless.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Hongjoong was not ready for Seonghwa to see his apartment. But even If he wanted to make it look more like an actual home, he had nothing to fill the empty room with.

There was the bed, a closet with a mirror door, a drying rack for his clothes, the kitchen corner and the bathroom. That was it, spare for a guitar and an e-piano. The piano was his most prized possession, yet he barely ever used it because the equipment at the studio was better.

In one corner of the room hung an old ACDC poster that the previous owner of the apartment had forgotten. Hongjoong had never cared to remove it, even though, one corner had started coming off about two years ago. Thinking about it, he did not even own something to reattach it. The only piece of personal décor was a magnetic timetable on his fridge he never used. Its only purpose was to hold the holy cinema ticket with Seonghwa’s number.

Hongjoong stood in the center of his room and had a crisis. He had less than half an hour left until Seonghwa would show up and his room looked like THIS. Empty. It had never bothered him but now that he knew how Seonghwa’s place looked, it suddenly was the biggest problem on earth. He did not even have a table…

why the fuck had he even invited them?

On top of everything, Hongjoong was tired. He had not slept a single second during the previous night, too focussed on catching up with the workload. He had been at work until an hour ago. How his body was still functioning was a big question to him.

He must have spaced out because next thing he knew, his doorbell rang, and he had not moved a limb.

Panic welled up in him, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. It was his beautiful Seonghwa waiting for him and not the end of the world.

He forced himself to open the door, heart racing (the caffeine in his blood not helping at all). He immediately had to suppress an urge to shut the door again and just lay down in a corner to pretend he did not exist. Seonghwa awaited him wearing a midi floral skirt and holding a bouquet of colorful flowers. Hongjoong did not know how to cope with that.

“Hi Joongie, I missed you!” they spoke in a happy singsong and went in to hug the paralyzed Hongjoong. They seemed so happy to see him again, it made it a little easier to make his smile seem less forced.

At least, his limbs untightened at the touch, and he managed to reciprocate, even if it was still quite stiff. The kiss that followed released the knot in his chest a little bit, the love he felt overweighting his anxiety momentarily.

“Here, I brought you flowers,” Seonghwa beamed and Hongjoong accepted them with a grimaced smile, eyes burning from the urge to cry.

“Thank you! They, look so pretty, just like you!” it was the truth, he appreciated the gift. The bouquet looked super pretty, but it also reminded him that he could not even put it in any vase. Because he did not own one. He did not own a fucking vase for the first bouquet he had ever recieved.

In robotic movements, he led Seonghwa inside, afraid to look at their face when they entered. Hongjoong decided to stare at the pattern of his wooden doorframe instead. He knew the lightheaded and dizzy feeling that was welling up in him too well; it was panic and he hoped that focussing on the wood's texture would keep him in touch with reality.

Seonghwa suddenly was very quiet and when he dared to look at their face, he found exactly what he had been so terrified of: Shock.

A quiet “oh” left their lips.

Hongjoong once again stood in the middle of his room and did not know what to do or to say. He still held the bouquet in his sweaty hand, gripping it for dear life so he could not drop it. His palm started to hurt from the flower stems piercing into it but the the pain was something REAL to focus on.

“Here, you- uh, you can sit down here,” he rushed towards the e-piano, avoiding Seonghwa’s gaze, nearly tripping over nothing, and offered them the piano stool.

Seonghwa accepted awkwardly and sat down in an upright position, watching Hongjoong with an unreadable expression, hands folded in their lap.

It drove him crazy even more. Usually, he always knew what Seonghwa was feeling but now, their face was indifferent, and he felt another rush of panic flooding his senses.

They did not move or talk for what most likely were just a few seconds but felt like hours. Hongjoong’s mind was racing because fuck, this was the first time, they both did not know what to say around the other. His brain started leaving the rational path, the more ragged his breath got. Shit, Seonghwa must be thinking the worst things possible about him right now. They must think that he was lazy, that all the personality he had shown them over the past week was fake, that it was not worth to date someone so careless.

But eventually, Seonghwa got up again, their facial features softening when they walked towards Hongjoong. Carefully, they took the flowers out of his shaking hands, laid them on the bed and pulled Hongjoong into a tight hug. Hongjoong could not move, failed to react at all.

“Joongie, calm down, it’s just me,” they whispered, unaware of the fact that this was the problem on hand, “It’s okay.”

They started stroking his back and Hongjoong felt his muscles relaxe a little.

“I don’t care how your apartment looks like, Joong. And I’m sorry that my visit put you under so much pressure. It’s okay, really. I’m sorry for reacting like that but I’m not judging you. I just didn’t expect it.”

Hongjoong urged to cry because how did he deserve someone so loving, so understanding as his partner? How the hell did he deserve Seonghwa?

He finally loosened up enough to hug them back equally as tight, hiding his face in their chest.

“I love you, Seonghwa,” he mumbled.

“And I love YOU,” Seonghwa responded, their voice warm and sweet like honey, “Your living situation will not change that. I’m sure you have your reasons and hey, at least, it’s clean in here!”

They lifted Hongjoong’s face with both their hands to look into his eyes.

“It’s okay. You’re safe and I love you.”

They kissed him again; it was short but deep. This time, Hongjoong could enjoy it. When Seonghwa broke the kiss, he felt capable of taking deep and slow breaths again. Seonghwa kept him in their embrace until they were certain that Hongjoong was okay now, before they parted.

With the smile that would never cease to melt Hongjoong’s heart, Seonghwa went to grab the flowers and laid them on the kitchen counter to search for something to put them in. At the sight of the cinema ticket, they stopped in their tracks for a second and chuckled.

They found Hongjoong’s biggest coffee mug, an incredibly ugly gift he had received from Maddox once and filled it with water. It looked a little absurd, the lively bouquet in a mug that showed the ugliest print of a grumpy Great Dane the world had ever seen, but it worked. Despite still being shaken, Hongjoong was the luckiest person on earth.

At least for two seconds, because suddenly, he felt dizzy and lurched forward to slump onto his bed, trying to grasp the sudden déjà-vu he just had.

Seonghwa was by his side in a second, their pretty eyes filled with worry when Hongjoong’s sight got blurry.

“Another déjà-vu?”, they asked quietly.

Hongjoong nodded, head still spinning.

“A really strong one”, he murmured and leaned against Seonghwa, in an attempt to come back to reality, “It is a lot more… terrifying now that I know what they are.”

Seonghwa stayed silent to let him elaborate If he wanted to.

“I just remembered being incredibly thankful about someone’s sincere action. I think, I loved that person dearly but there was also pain. A lot of pain.”

Seonghwa pulled him closer towards them. Hongjoong’s voice was barely audible when he continued.

“It’s so weird to know that it happened once but I can’t remember anything. Where is all that agony coming from? What else do I not remember from all those lifetimes?”

Seonghwa took a few deep breaths before they responded.

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around all this. I can’t know what’s going on inside of you but… I know, it’s hard and this is your reality right now. But I think, you should not dwell on it too much.”

Hongjoong looked up in surprise. How could they say this without any care in the world? Did they not understand the severity of it all? He had been murdered!

“Hwa, I can’t just ignore the déjà-vus when I’ve just learned that these are MY memories!” he argued, raising his voice a little.

“And so they’ve always been,” Seonghwa responded calmly, “You’ve always lived with them. Most people experience déjà-vus and it doesn't define their current lives. Those are your past lives, after all. Not your current one.”

Hongjoong was not convinced. To him, it was life-altering to know that all that stuff had actually happened to him once. How was he supposed to just let that go?

“Listen, Joong. I can’t tell you how to feel. All I’m saying is that this is the past. A past that you barely remember. It doesn’t benefit you to lose your mind over it when you could cherish what you have right now instead.”

Hongjoong deflated at their words. There was no use in letting his inner conflicts out on them when they just wanted to help.

“I guess, I’m just a little overwhelmed,” he mumbled because the last thing he wanted was to cause an argument, “I’m tired as fuck and all this… it’s a lot. I’m sorry for raising my voice, Hwa.”

“It’s okay. I get that you’re stressed,” they responded and Hongjoong was endlessly thankful that the topic was done even though he sensed that Seonghwa urged to say more. He would ask them about it one day. But not now.

They kept sitting on the edge of Hongjoong’s bed for a while, cuddling wordlessly, each lost in their own thoughts. After the stress of the past hour, it felt so good to just be close to his partner, to feel loved and cared for. When usually he would play the big spoon, Seonghwa was now the one to caress his hair and massage his scalp. He felt so safe in their arms.

When they felt their bodies growing stiff, they agreed on starting the dying session, partially to distract from the gloomy mood that was still lingering in the air.

Hongjoong lead them into his bathroom, offering them the toilet seat, which Seonghwa accepted after asking for a towel to sit on. He was eternally thankful that they had not mentioned the lack of space to sit down in his bathroom and just complied despite their fear of germs. He was aware that it was a little sacrifice from Seonghwa’s side.

As he applied the treatment to their pretty locks, Seonghwa started rambling about their recent lectures. He prayed that their hair would lift well enough for the pink they had bought the other day. If not, they had agreed on using a dark purple Hongjoong had stored in the little bathroom cabinet that held all his colors.

“Joong? There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while,” they asked after a short period of silence, sounding a little nervous.

“Go on, hwa,” he responded softly.

“Are you actually into watching movies at the cinema or do you just keep coming because of me?”

Hongjoong stopped in his tracks. He had not really thought about it that much during the past weeks. The Cinema was just a part of his weekly schedule now.

“You,” he said, “It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. I like watching those small productions. Especially, when your and your fellow student’s productions played. They inspire me. But, I guess, I wouldn’t do if you weren’t there.”

There was no use in lying.

“You don’t have to come every week Joong-ah. You know that, right?”

Of course, he knew. He was just so used to this schedule now that he had never considered to stop or go less frequently.

“I know, Hwa. Gotta be honest, in the beginning, I only came to get to know you. But now, I love our little tradition. And I love walking you home.”

They hummed, understanding.

“So, you’re coming every week, no matter if the movie is your taste or not?”

Hongjoong just nodded.

“You don’t have to do that. I know, how stressful social gatherings are for you. Please- Please don’t force yourself into this, just for me,“ after a short silence they added, “I’m not meaning to scare you away. But please only come to watch a movie when you can find the time and energy. You can still walk me home whenever you are free, tho,“ they smiled a little to themself, “I’d still like that.”

Hongjoong felt the familiar fuzz of emotions whenever Seonghwa reminded him of why he loved them so much. Seonghwa was so incredibly thoughtful and empathetic. Conversations like this came so easily with them. They both could communicate their thoughts without the other causing drama. Hongjoong knew, it was rare to find a person like that.

“Okay Hwa, we’ll just keep our schedules in check, and I’ll pick you up whenever I can. And I’ll come to watch a movie every other day. Now, hold still or you’ll get bleach in your pretty eyes.”

A light shadow of the blush he adored so much dusted Seonghwa’s cheeks as they readjusted their posture with a small smile on their lips.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Two successful rounds of bleach later (and an hour of letting the pink sit), Hongjoong sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for Seonghwa to exit the bathroom. He had his laptop opened and was working on an idea he just had (about Seonghwa) when he heard the sound of his hairdryer stop and the door open slowly.

His jaw dropped and he almost fell out of his bed.

celestial, divine, UNWORLDLY were the first things that came to his mind.

Seonghwa’s hair had accepted the pink dye perfectly. The pastel color framed their face elegantly, making their features appear much softer. It put the focus on the glistening eyes Hongjoong was so whipped for.

“Hwa, you look like a fairy!”

That was an understatement, they looked mesmerizing, and they deserved to know.

“Screw it, you look like a Goddess!” he was not able to suppress the adoration in his voice.

A deep red color spread over their cheeks and neck. Compliments like this were a little risky. Hongjoong never knew, which terms would make them comfortable and which triggered their gender dysphoria. During one of their first conversations regarding Seonghwa’s identity, they had agreed on testing the waters from time to time, so Seonghwa could figure out what they liked and disliked. And with ‘Goddess’ Hongjoong seemed to have hit the bull’s eye.

Because Seonghwa was, in fact, a goddess.

“You think so?”, they looked down, obviously shy about such a compliment but Hongjoong noticed the corners of their mouth lifting up slightly.

“Absolutely, yes. Hold up- “

He got up to hand Seonghwa the bouquet and directed them to pose for a picture. Seonghwa was too pretty to not capture this moment.

“This is for the history books, Hwa. The color suits you so well!”

They were still blushing deeply, it looked endearing on the photo and Hongjoong allowed himself to stare at it for a few seconds. When he felt like staring any longer would be weird, he tossed his phone on the bed to look at the real thing instead (which was infinitely better). He went to back hug Seonghwa, who was looking at themself in the mirror after they had put the flowers away.

Their eyes found one another in the mirror and Hongjoong tightened his arms around their waist, tiptoeing to whisper into Seonghwa’s ear.

“You are the most devastatingly beautiful person I have ever seen, my star. I could write songs over songs about your beauty.”

He saw the stars in their eyes twinkle at the shower of compliments and it made him fall for them even more, If that was possible.

“I know, I’m not saying this often,” they responded, “But you are insanely handsome, too. And cute.”

Hongjoong laughed, shaking his head. He felt flattered at those words, but he could not really believe them.

Seonghwa turned around in his hold, standing face to face with the smaller Hongjoong now.

“I mean it. I’m sorry for not saying it often; I know, I’m not as good with words as you are. But I think you are insanely attractive.”

“You think so?” Hongjoong deemed himself as quite smart, as determined, and mature but he found it hard to find something attractive about his appearance. He was too short, to skinny and gangly, his face too boney and rough looking.

“Yes! You have a really handsome face and the hottest smile I’ve ever seen.”

They kissed the corner of his mouth which left Hongjoong a little dizzy.

“And your eyes, I don’t know but they radiate so much strength.”

A finger wandered over his eyebrow, leaving a trail of warmth. Like a shating star.

“In general, you have this… authoritative aura despite your size. Like you could protect me from anything!”

They paused to stroke through his hair, wide eyes spilling over from love.

“At the same time, you look so tiny sometimes. I like your small hands so much. They feel so soft when I hold them.”

His hands were untangled from around their waist and brought up slowly to be kissed.

“Sometimes, when you don’t have to play tough, when you relax, you look so precious and fragile. Especially when you- When you marvel at me like you do right now,” they mumbled.

Hongjoong could not stand the sincerity in their gaze anymore and dropped his forehead against their chest.

“And you said, you’re not good with words,” he mumbled, voice thick. Hongjoong was not used to receiving compliments like this. To distract from his shyness, he added: “But today is about you, Hwa. The hair makes you so much more feminine and elegant.”

Seonghwa chuckled again and Hongjoong hoped that he would never stop causing this sound.

“I can give my handsome boyfriend compliments any day, can’t I?”

Handsome. Boyfriend. That was too much for Hongjoong to handle. He detached himself from Seonghwa, praying that the heat on his cheeks was not too visible. He really had to change the topic before he would combust from all this love directed at him.

“Hwa, I have to show you something.”

Beautiful eyes that held Hongjoong's favorite universe looked at him curiously, so he pulled Seonghwa towards his bed. He sat down cross-legged and pointed at them to sit down opposite of him. Strangely enough, he immediately missed their touch.

Hongjoong directed them to put on the headphones attached to his laptop and close their eyes. They did as told, squeezing their eyes shut cutely, jittery like a child and he pressed the play button.

For the next five minutes, he watched Seonghwa attentively, even though their face did not expose much of what they were thinking while they listened to the music piece.

When it was over, they opened their eyes, staring right into Hongjoong’s with a gaze that left him breathless.

“You finished ‘Wave’?”

Hongjoong nodded, heart hammering in his chest.

“When?”

“Last week, the day after our date.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to surprise you. Do you like it?” Hongjoong was dying to know their opinion despite their eyes already saying everything.

“Yes, I love it, Joong. It’s a great piece. Exactly how I imagined it but much better. It’s so… blue!” they smiled, “Actually, I haven’t had the chance to tell you that my partner from Animations found a name for our movie.”

“Huh?” Hongjoong was confused.

“’Blue Summer’, we want to name it ‘Blue Summer’. It was his idea.”

“But I thought, you’d name it ‘Wave’?”

Hongjoong could not help to feel a little hurt. He had loved that title.

Seonghwa got up to crawl over towards him, squeezing next to him on the small bed. They grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. As easy as Seonghwa was to read, as hard was it for Hongjoong to hide his emotions from them.

“Yes. ‘Wave’ is the music piece you’ve – WE’VE created. And ‘Blue Summer’ is the animation he’ll create, the finished movie,” they explained carefully.

“Oh, I get it,” his heart was warming because Seonghwa had put so much thought into it, “I like ‘Blue Summer’. Can’t wait to see the result, hwa!”

“Can I listen to ‘Wave’ again?”

“Anything for you, my star.”

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Later that night, Hongjoong was laying in his bed, rewinding the day again and again. It was the common state of over-exhaustion that liked to steal his sleep frequently.

He thought about how panicked he had been at the thought of Seonghwa learning about his apartment. It had all gone well, and he could not be more thankful for Seonghwa who had comforted him without any judgement. Still, the uneasiness of Seonghwa getting a glimpse of how badly he treated himself did not sit right with him. It was more the way his apartment exposed his lifestyle than the emptiness of the room itself that scared him.

When exactly had he started caring? He’d been perfectly fine with replacing sleep with caffeine for years but suddenly, this incredibly bright person had entered his life, and everything had changed for him. Suddenly, the happiness he found in music production was not enough to keep him alive anymore. Hongjoong was not sure if he was ready to overthink his living style and what the changes meant for him. He’d prefer to keep his usual rhythm for a little longer.

He tried to avoid thinking about the déjà-vus. It pained him and scared him to death. Thinking about it too much suddenly made him terrified of future déjà-vus. How many more emotions were slumbering inside of him without his knowledge?

To distract himself, he recalled how pretty Seonghwa had looked with the freshly dyed hair. The wonderful stinging in his stomach area made him turn around and curl into his blanket. Seonghwa. His Seonghwa, he could not stop thinking about it: HIS Seonghwa. Who apparently found him attractive. Who saw something in Hongjoong he could not even see in himself.

Since they knew that they were soulmates, Hongjoong had never taken a moment to stop and think about why Seonghwa had chosen him. Their mutual love had been self-evident immediately because something like fate had decided they belonged together. But Seonghwa had been attracted to him ever since they had first met, and Hongjoong wondered why. What exactly about a 5’8” feet grumpy man with eyebags so dark, it looked genuinely concerning was attractive? He could not find an answer to that.

But maybe, he should just accept that Seonghwa loved him as deeply as he loved them. It might be that easy.

As if Seonghwa could feel his doubt, Hongjoong felt his phone vibrating. It was a message from Seonghwa. (He’d never mute them if it was not necessary.)

“Arrived home safely. Good night, Joongie. Love you!”

“Nighty. Sleep well. And Love U, too <3”

He responded with a smile and put his phone away, turning around to fall asleep with the wonderful feeling of being loved by someone so precious warming him from the inside. He’d make sure to make it worth it for them, too. He could show them so many more wonders that he had seen before but that were all new for their young soul. He would start with the Cassiopeia. Just to never see the glow in their eyes fade, he would show them everything.

Maybe, he could get at least four hours of sleep before his alarm would ring.

Chapter Text

Turbulence

Hongjoong sat in Eden’s office and felt small. Smaller than he had ever been.

“What do you mean, you FORGOT?”

He had forgotten about a project. This had never happened before. Usually, he was the person to submit a finished song days before the deadline.

Hongjoong was so exhausted, he could barely sit straight as Eden went berserk in front of him.

“Do you know, how much this will cost us? Where is your mind, Hongjoong? This client is super important for us, and I trusted you with this! You know, how much money we were supposed to get for ‘Turbulence’!”

Hongjoong did not dare to speak yet. He exactly knew, why he was lacking lately.

“I know, you are all lovey-dovey happy with your boyfriend- “

“Partner…” Hongjoong whispered, wincing when he saw Eden’s anger flaring up at the interruption.

“You are super lovey-dovey with your PARTNER, but this can’t affect your work ethics!”

He was probably right. Hongjoong had dipped on work several times since he and Seonghwa had gotten together. He’d always tried to compensate it with working on weekends and throughout the night, but he knew that he was too distracted.

“Listen, Seonghwa is a good kid. But you need to find a middle ground because your productivity has decreased drastically. You used to be our best man but now, you even forgot about a client of such high relevance!”

“I’m sorry hyung. I will do better.”

The dates, he and Seonghwa went on were always wonderful. Hongjoong never ceased to find places that made their eyes spark. He had brought them to art museums and butterfly gardens and got to meet some of their friends, but Eden was right. It was too much.

“I sure hope so. I would have kicked you out if you were anyone else. But you’ve proven yourself enough to deserve another chance. I want you to take full responsibility for your mistake.”

“Of course, hyung,” he said obediently, trying not to provoke his rage any further.

“You will call the client, apologize, and ask them for an extension on the deadline. And you will cover any late fees they ask for.”

“Yes hyung.”

“You will finish this on top of your current projects and I’m expecting you to still give 120% on your other works. This is reality, Hongjoong, and not some love romance drama.”

“Yes hyung.”

He knew, he had fucked up. He knew, he was lucky to get a second chance and he would not waste it. This could be solved if he just worked hard enough.

“You may go now to catch up on your work.”

“Thank you, hyung.”

With an increasing headache, he got up to leave the room, trying to walk as upright as possible. He only allowed himself to deflate when the door to the safety of his studio closed shut behind him.

He could not suppress a yawn that hurt his jaws before he went to grab another energy can.

Hongjoong logged into his computer and put on his headphones to indulge in his work.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

A while later, it knocked on his door. It was Maddox who came to bring him some takeout chicken.

“Here, eat, kid,” he said, “Eden just told me what happened.”

Hongjoong felt thankful for this little gesture. Even though, he felt like he did not deserve it, he knew that he had to eat at least something today.

“Hongjoong-ah, do you want me to talk to Eden-hyung?”

Why should he? Eden was clearly in the right.

“Why? I fucked up, hyung. It’s my fault and nobody else’s.”

Maddox looked at him with a look that almost seemed like pity.

“But Eden is expecting too much from you. You are practically working two full time jobs here and- “

“No! Sorry hyung, but this is my cup of tea. I am not bringing the results I am capable of anymore. I have to take responsibility for this.”

With that, he put his headphones back up and turned back towards his screen. He felt oddly numb. His mind felt like it was filled with cotton, but he had to overcome it. Work was more important.

He felt Maddox’ hand squeeze his shoulder and the box of chicken was put on his worktable. He’d eat it later when Maddox was gone. Maybe.

Hongjoong fell into a workflow, unaware of how much time passed until he felt his phone vibrating. It brought him back to reality. He felt the sting in his eyes and the racing of his heart, but he could not care less. It was his own fault at the end of the day. He looked at the phone, it was Seonghwa.

“Hey, Joongie!” They sounded concerned.

“Mmmh,” was all he managed to mumble in response.

He waited for the euphoria about hearing his lover’s voice kick in, but it never came. He did not feel anything except for his headache.

“Maddox called me and told me you got a scolding from your boss. Are you okay?”

Right, they had exchanged numbers when Seonghwa had visited him at work the other day. Initially, he had been glad that Seonghwa got along well with his friends. But now he wished, Maddox had not told him.

Hongjoong poked the chicken that still sat on his table untouched. It had gone cold.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he suppressed a yawn because he knew, it would hurt again from how tensed up his jaw was.

“Do you want me to come? I could bring food and give you a hug!”

Any other day, he would have accepted happily. A dose of Seonghwa could cure almost all negative emotions. But considering how mad Eden was at him, the thought of Seonghwa coming over just sparked anxiety.

“No, Hwa. It’s not that much of a big deal,” That was a lie, it was a huge deal, oh god, he was lying to Seonghwa, “You don’t have to come. But I have to keep working now. Bye Hwa, Love you.”

“Oh, Okay, I love you, too, Joongie. Bye,” there was some sadness resonating with their voice but Hongjoong forced himself to ignore it.

He ended the phone call and put his phone on mute to not get distracted again. He had to work.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Hongjoong woke up when he tried to move. His head was resting dangerously close to his keyboard and his back was aching from the position he was in. When had he fallen asleep?

As his body came back to consciousness, he lifted his head slowly and could not suppress the reflex to stretch, joints cracking and aching. Oh shit, he had pinched a nerve in his shoulder.

He felt miserable but when his mind cleared and he remembered where he was, a thrill went down his spine for another reason. Had he saved his work?

Forgetting about how much every muscle in his body hurt, he grabbed for his mouse just to find his computer turned off. Weird. Had he turned it off? But how did that make sense when he had apparently passed out?

Before he could turn his computer back on, he heard something moving behind him and whipped around to find Seonghwa, fast asleep and curled up on the old sofa.

Hongjoong tried to remember when and why they had visited but his brain did not manage to grasp the memories of the past day, it was all just a blur of melodies, lyrics and notations.

Sighing, he got up, knees cracking loudly. It took him a few seconds to balance his stiff legs. He walked over to his sofa and kneed down next to Seonghwa’s head, carefully brushing through their faded pink hair. They were so pretty when they slept. So angelic and calm, it stung Hongjoong’s heart.

It made him realize how much he had missed them. For how many days had he not seen them? What day, what time was it?

The light of his phone that he had just pulled out to check made Seonghwa stir in their sleep. It was Monday, 4am.

The light must have woken them up because Seonghwa’s eyes opened slowly and Hongjoong could see their eyes lighting up in love and concern when they noticed him kneeling in front of them.

“Joongie…”, they croaked out, hand reaching out to grab for Hongjoong’s that held the phone.

“Hwa, what are you doing here? Why are you not at home?”

He let the phone slip out of his hand to hold Seonghwa’s.

“I was worried about you,” they said, and tears seemed to well up in their pretty eyes. The galaxy that usually glowed in them seemed to be covered by clouds.

“I told you not to,” he sighed.

“But I can’t help it Joongie,” Seonghwa sat up on the sofa, obviously readying themself for a more serious conversation, “I love you and that means, I care about you. Also…”

They seemed to ponder for a few seconds whether to address it or not.

“You didn’t pick me up after work yesterday.”

Oh. Oh fuck.

It was Monday. That means, yesterday had been Sunday and Hongjoong had promised to pick them up from work.

“When you didn’t show up and I could not contact you either, I went to your apartment just to find it empty.”

Hongjoong’s chest tightened. They must have thought that something had happened to him… Hongjoong noticed wrinkles of concern on their usually smooth forehead. ‘Soul scars’ had the fortune teller called them.

“Joongie, when was the last time, you went home? It smelled like you hadn’t been there in days…”

He just gulped, knowing full well that he would start crying if he tried to speak.

“I called Maddox and he said, you might still be at the studio. So, I picked up the keys from him and came here.”

“Wait,” he whispered, the words stuck in his throat, “You drove all the way to Maddox’s place?”

Seonghwa nodded, clearly trying to hold back the tears.

“When I arrived, you were already asleep. I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked so exhausted. I just turned off your PC – don’t worry, I saved your work – and decided to wait.”

So that’s why the computer is turned off... How much Seonghwa cared made him want to cry even more.

“Hwa,” was all he could say, before he was pulled into a bone-crushing hug. The touch hurt Hongjoong for more reasons than the sensitivity of his tired body.

“Joongie, I’m so worried. You’re going to kill yourself if you continue like this. Please come with me for the rest of the night. I’ll skip classes today. Have dinner with me. Please come home.”

Home. He’d spent so much time at their apartment before work had eaten him up, it certainly felt like home.

He detached himself from Seonghwa to look at them.

“Hwa, I-“,

They clearly noticed the doubt in his eyes.

“Please,” Seonghwa whispered.

“I’m sorry. I still have to- “

He glanced at his computer. When he looked back at Seonghwa, something had changed in their gaze.

Their eyes looked broken. Hurt. Disappointed.

“I see,” the first tears started rolling down their cheeks as they got up to leave.

The sight of his soulmate crying like this hurt more than he would have ever expected. Especially since he was the reason.

“Hwa...”

“NO!”

Anger mixed into their pain as they turned around to glare at Hongjoong. They were shouting now, tears falling unhindered.

“Hongjoong, we have so little time left and all you do is kill yourself with work! I don’t fucking care. Do what you want!”

With that, they whipped around and ran out of the studio, leaving a baffled Hongjoong behind.

Their movements had pushed the zen garden from the sofa table onto the ground, the sand was scattered all over the carpet.

We have so little time left, that was new.

Hongjoong wanted to run behind them, hug them, kiss them and tell them that everything was fine. But he could not do that because nothing was fine.

Hongjoong shook his head, gulped down the tears and resumed to work.

Chapter Text

Not Too Late

“No fucking way, this is your cup of tea!”

“Please, Maddox-hyung. I’m too busy with writing this song right now.”

Hongjoong was standing in Maddox’s studio, holding Seonghwa’s wallet. They had forgotten it last night when they had ran away from the argument.

They had had a fight. Hongjoong actively avoided to finish that thought, whenever it came up.

“Kim Hongjoong, this is YOUR partner’s wallet. The partner you’ve neglected.”

Ouch.

“Please, hyung. I think, they need some space from me right now.”

That was a lie. It was HIM who did not feel ready to face Seonghwa. Him, who wanted to avoid the confrontation and he was well aware after pondering over it all night.

“Bullshit. The least, they want is space right now. You’re a coward for coming to me.”

Hongjoong hated, how true his words were. He was indeed a coward.

“Hongjoong, Seonghwa needs their wallet and you’ll bring it to them. You haven’t left this studio for almost a week straight. If Eden dares to complain, I’ll fight him. Go and fix what you’ve fucked up before it’s too late.”

“Aren’t you a bit too invested in my love life for a coworker, hyung?” Hongjoong grumbled.

Maddox gave him a tired eye.

“Yes, but I am also your only friend to my knowledge. And someone has to bring you back to your senses.”

Hongjoong debated for a few seconds whether to counter anything before he deflated, too tired to argue any further. It seemed like he had to do it or else he would not see the end of it.

“Fine. I’ll go.”

“Go now. I know they’re home. They skipped classes.”

because of me…

“How did you-“

“I had to get my keys back?”

Hongjoong just nodded and went to pack his belongings. He tried not to think about what was ahead of him.

In the subway to Seonghwa’s place he pulled out his laptop to continue working on his current song to avoid spiraling. He had submitted ‘Turbulence’ a few days ago and luckily, the client had been very forgiving. The late fees were easily covered with a part of his savings, but Hongjoong still had so much more to do.

The song he was writing now for another client was a commission ballad about the fear of the future. Ironically, it fit his emotional state really well. He planned on calling it ‘Too Late’.

He tried hard to focus, but his mind kept wandering off to Seonghwa.

We have so little time left.

Hongjoong was afraid, he knew what that had meant. If it was true, Seonghwa had suffered much more than they had let on and Hongjoong knew, he could not easily change it.

When he exited the subway and started walking, He felt his knees weakening with every step. He did not want to do this. He wanted to go back to his studio where he felt safe and hide. Because no matter, how this day would end, someone who mattered to him would be either mad or disappointed.

The further he walked, the more his stomach acted up and everything in him revolted against the confrontation. The steps towards their apartment felt like the biggest torture.

When he arrived at their door, it took him a solid five minutes to ring the doorbell. Immediately, he heard shuffling behind the door and held his breath.

The door opened in slow motion to reveal a tragedy. Seonghwa’s cheeks were tear-stained and their eyes rimmed red. Had they cried all night?

He suddenly felt faint. God, he was not ready for this.

“H-Hwa-“ tears welled up in his eyes as well when he tried to speak.

“Hongjoong,” their pretty voice sounded sore, “Why are you here?”

They tried hard to sound cold, dismissive. But Hongjoong knew them well enough to not miss the glint of hope in their eyes as they realized who stood in front of their door.

Hongjoong held Seonghwa’s wallet up against their face and the glint of hope disappeared.

“Oh,” now, it really sounded cold. They grabbed the wallet and were about to close the door when Hongjoong knew, he had to act now or never.

“And I want to talk.”

He did not. He really did not want that.

The door opened again and wordlessly, he walked past Seonghwa and sat on the sofa, grabbing one of the plushies for comfort. Seonghwa took one of the kitchen chairs to join him.

There was so much distance between them.

“What do you have to say?” Seonghwa asked without looking at him. Their eyes fixated on the plushie in Hongjoong’s lap instead.

Hongjoong gulped and stayed silent. What did he want to say? He did not know.

“Listen,” they sighed weakly, “If you just came here to say nothing-“

“What did you mean with ‘We have so little time left’?”

Seonghwa flinched. Maybe, it had been the wrong choice of words to start this conversation.

“This is your last life,” they looked up and for the first time, Hongjoong saw desperation in their eyes, “Once it’s over, you’re gone forever.”

Hongjoong’s guess had been right, and he hated himself for it. He should have sensed their fear sooner.

“You’re afraid of losing me.”

It was not a question but a statement.

A fresh tear followed the path of an old one on Seonghwa’s cheek.

“Yes,” it was uttered with so much agony, “and of wasting the time we have left. I’m scared of regretting things in hindsight.”

Hongjoong urged to hug Seonghwa. He wanted to ask them to sit down next to him, to just lull them up in comfort and protect them from all negativities. He knew, it was not that easy, so he held back.

“I’m not planning to leave you anytime soon, I’m- “

“But you could!” Seonghwa bolted out of their chair, scream-crying now, “You could just walk out and get hit by a bus!”

They ran towards their bedroom, sobbing loudly and slammed the door.

Only now did Hongjoong notice that he’d never seen the plushie in his hands before. It was a squirrel Seonghwa must have bought within the last week. They had compared him to a squirrel once and it dawned on Hongjoong, how much he had fucked up. How much the way he treated himself affected Seonghwa. And how terrified they were of the future.

Maybe, his job was not to show Seonghwa the beauty of the world at all but to teach them to live in the present. It was a little ironic, how Seonghwa had tried to teach him just a few weeks ago that there was no use on dwelling on the past, when they themself could not handle the future.

He got up and walked towards the bedroom to knock softly. He could hear Seonghwa crying from the other side but got no response.

Slowly, he tried to open the door nevertheless. To his fortune, they had not locked it and Hongjoong could walk in to see Seonghwa lying in the center of the huge bed, face buried in a pillow. He hated this sight so much.

Warily, he sat down on the corner of the bed and listened to Seonghwa’s cries for a second. Every sound that left them sent a lightning bolt right into his heart.

“Here,” he whispered. When Seonghwa lifted their head a little to look at him with shattered eyes, he offered them the plushie squirrel. He wanted to offer some kind of comfort but maybe, it was better, to not touch them yet; to keep a certain distance, even if it hurt Hongjoong.

Seonghwa accepted with another sob and curled around it.

“Seonghwa. I am sorry. I am so so fucking sorry for causing you all this pain. That never was my intention,” he tried not to waver, but his voice eventually cracked when the dam finally broke.

“I know,” Seonghwa whispered, eyes closed.

“I am s-sorry for neglecting you. I-I should have taken better care o-of you. I have- I have nothing to excuse my actions other than that I am overwhelmed. E-Even now I can’t t-think of a solution,” he spoke while his tears kept falling onto the bed.

He reached out a hand towards Seonghwa’s messed up hair but retracted it quickly to not cross any lines. Seonghwa must have seen it though, because suddenly, they moved to lay their head into Hongjoong’s lap, their tears soaking his pants within seconds.

It felt like a small offer of peace; Seonghwa still searching for comfort in him – despite him being the reason for all of this – gave him hope. Their weight grounded Hongjoong a little, too, and he began playing with Seonghwa’s hair in a soothing manner.

“Joong-ah, why are you destroying yourself like this?” Seonghwa murmured, muffled form the position they were in.

“I guess because it’s expected from me. Because this is all I’ve ever been useful for. Work. I’ve not known anything else for the past seven years, Hwa. And I find it hard to accept change. Even if it’s good change.”

It was hard to face his feelings like that and even harder to speak it out loud, but he knew, he had to when he wanted them to work as a couple. He came to the realization that being soulmates was not everything, that they were still imperfect and needed to work on it. He’d never take Seonghwa for granted ever again.

“What changed?” Seonghwa asked dumbly. Did they really not know?

“You,” when they did not react, he continued, “You came into my life. And you brought all those colors and wonders. I suddenly felt so many things I never thought I was capable of feeling. And when I lived a hundred percent for my job before, I suddenly had to live 150 percent to fit you in. I guess, that was doomed to fail from the very beginning. I just- I can’t accept the fact that having an actual life outside the studio means that I can’t deliver as much at work anymore as I always did. And I guess Eden does not understand that either. Hwa. I love you and I want to grow old with you. I really do. But this job is all I’ve ever had, and I can’t lose it. I’m- I’m torn between the only two things that ever mattered to me.”

“You have to talk to him.”

Seonghwa turned around to look up at his face, the stream of tears had ebbed down a little.

“Joong, you have to tell Eden exactly this,” a hand landed on Hongjoong’s cheek to caress it softly, “you don’t need to give a hundred percent at work. Even less than fifty is enough. Ask him to work a 9-5 job or similar. Joong-ah, you can’t keep living like this.”

God, how he wished, it was that easy.

“I can’t, Hwa. I can’t just let go of it and live a normal 9-5.”

Seonghwa sighed, hand still wandering over Hongjoong’s face.

“I know. I know, you’ll always overwork yourself. And I know that this is your passion and that you will always pull out your notebook to write down an inspiration at the most random moments. It’s part of why I love you so much, Joongie,” Hongjoong could just cry again, “But please, let us try to work on a healthier work-life balance for you. I’ll be by your side. I’ll help you to find a middle ground. You just need to allow yourself to try.”

Hongjoong did not know what he had done to deserve an angel like Seonghwa in his life.

“Okay. I promise you right here that I’ll talk to Eden," because deep down, he knew, they were right, "But- it’s not the only thing that has to change.”

Seonghwa looked up at him in confusion. Hongjoong was a little afraid that what he was about to address would cause Seonghwa to run away a third time.

“Hwa, my star, you need to work on your fears, too. I know, it’s a bit hypocritical of me to talk about this. But you are so afraid of the future – of losing me – that you’re forgetting that it’s the present right now. You’ll miss it if you just keep on thinking about the future. I am sorry for never realizing, how much it terrifies you. If I had known earlier, I’d- “

He was interrupted by Seonghwa grabbing him by his hair and pulling him down for a kiss. The angle was weird, the force of it made their teeth clink together and their lips tasted like salt and desperation. But it effectively made Hongjoong shut up. That was a much better development than Seonghwa running away again.

“Stop blaming yourself”, Seonghwa said when they parted and sat up, “I shouldn’t have kept it a secret from you. We belong together and we should learn to talk about everything. I am sorry for never addressing it when I knew, it affected our relationship.”

“I’m glad, I know now,” Hongjoong chuckled, which caused Seonghwa to raise an eyebrow, “It’s a little funny of fate that it paired us together. You, who is afraid of the future and me, who can’t let the past go.”

“I guess, we’ll have to learn to live in the present together, then. I promise, I will.”

The corners of their mouth lifted up like Hongjoong’s, before they pulled him into another loving kiss. If it lingered a little longer than usual, nobody had to know.

Seonghwa pulled Hongjoong into the pillows that stacked against the headrest to cuddle and make up for the past week, but the moment Hongjoong lost the balance and his head hit the pillows, the exhaustion overcame him and Seonghwa’s words faded away when he could not resist the magnetic pull of sleep anymore. Within seconds, he passed out in his lover’s arms. He dreamed of shooting stars and galaxies full of pink music notes and squirrels.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Hongjoong woke up from the smell of coffee and pancakes. For a second, he was confused, what was going on. The pillows he laid on were way too soft for his couch and his headache was gone, or at least, bearable. Then, the memories from the day before flooded into his brain and he curled up on himself to rest for another second. He had made up with Seonghwa. His beautiful Seonghwa had smiled at him again.

He slipped out of the bed sheets to find himself dressed in one of Seonghwa’s Star Wars pajamas and fluffy socks. The pajama was huge on him. Had they changed his clothes? Cute.

He followed the smell into the living room to find Seonghwa hovering over the hearth, dressed in matching pajamas.

When they heard him approach, they whipped around and opened their arms, spatula still in their hands.

The glow had found it’s way back into Seonghwa’s eyes and even though the wrinkles on their forehead were not gone entirely, they looked genuinely happy.

He fell into their arms easily.

“Why do I smell coffee?” he murmured and Seonghwa laughed.

Their laugh sounded so light and relieved, it sparked the butterflies in Hongjoong’s stomach to turn somersaults.

“I ordered coffee for you.”

Shit, they were so endearing. At this point, he should be used to their selflessness, but they never ceased to surprise them with small gestures like this.

“Aaaah, I love you Seonghwa, really!”

“Just for the coffee?”

Hongjoong nodded.

“For the coffee, and-“ he tiptoed to peck their lips, “For everything you are, my star.”

Hongjoong was so damn glad that he could produce laughter instead of tears from Seonghwa again. He’d thank Maddox for it.

Talking about Maddox…

“Hwa, how late is it?”

Seonghwa seemed to sense what Hongjoong’s little panic was about immediately.

“Calm down. It’s 10:30 am and I’ve notified Maddox that you’ll come to work a little later today. Actually, Eden wants to talk to you but first, we’ll have breakfast. Even if I have to physically force you.”

The mention of Eden did not really help with his panic.

Seonghwa sighed and placed their free hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, Hongjoong. Maddox even told me, you should take the day off, but we both know, you wouldn’t with how unsolved everything is. If you want, I’ll come with you to be by your side. Eden’s okay with it.”

Wow, they had really thought about everything.

“That would mean a lot to me, Hwa.”

“Now, sit down, you have to eat.”

Hongjoong followed their instructions. The table was filled with several jams, syrup, honey, fresh berries, and everything else, you could possibly put on a pancake. Next to his plate stood a steaming hot cup of coffee.

Hongjoong loved being in love.

Seonghwa came over with a plate filled with a generous stack of pancakes and sat down.

“I did not know if you prefer American pancakes or crêpes, so I made both.”

And really, that was the most Seonghwa thing they could do.

“Hwa, how the hell do I deserve you?”

They dug in and Hongjoong noticed, how hungry he actually was.

It was delicious. Of course, it was. It was cooked by Seonghwa.

“By the way,” he said, mouth filled with pancake, “For how long did I sleep?”

Seonghwa finished their bite before they responded. Contrary to him, they had manners.

“Almost sixteen hours, my dear sleeping beauty.”

Oh shit. That was a lot.

“And did you-” he pulled on the sleeve of the pajama he was wearing and Seonghwa blushed.

“Uhm, yeah. There was no way I’d let you sleep in skinny jeans and,” they cleared their throat, “I don’t like it when dirty clothes touch my bed… You haven’t showered in how long, a week? You stink!”

Hongjoong laughed at the honesty.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Freshly showered and in the smallest shorts Seonghwa had to offer, he said in Eden’s office, holding Seonghwa’s hand so tightly, it must hurt.

The situation felt way too heavy with Eden, Maddox, Seonghwa and him gathered in one room.

“Hongjoong, we need to talk about your work schedule,“ was how Eden started the conversation and Hongjoong loosened the death grip he had on Seonghwa a little.

That did not sound too bad. At least, he was not fired immediately.

“Maddox approached me and told me that you fainted yesterday, is that true?”

It felt a little like an interrogation, but Eden was much calmer than he had been last time, Hongjoong had sat in this office.

He nodded, not breaking eye contact with Eden who inhaled sharply.

“Then, I am sorry for causing this.”

What?

“I had a long conversation with Maddox earlier. He made it clear to me, how overworked you are. I’ve always taken your extraordinary productivity for granted but I never stopped to think about it for just a second. You’re not working extra efficiently; you are just working more than anyone else. And I am sorry for turning a blind eye on this for so many years.”

Seonghwa squeezed his hand and when he tilted his head, he found a similar expression to his own on their face: Relief.

“If you agree, I will set up a new contract with you, including a maximum of work hours per month. Overtime hours will be compensated with paid leave and your salary will stay the same. You’ll be able to use the studio privately for your own music as much as you want but I expect a complete list of the hours you spend working for me at the end of every month.”

That sounded too good to be true and Hongjoong had to pinch himself under the table to make sure he was not still fast asleep in Seonghwa’s bed.

“That- That sounds amazing, hyung. I don’t know what to say… Thank you!”

Hongjoong felt a little teary. He had expected everything from this conversation but a solution for the problem. On top of that, one that was so simple.

“Hyung”, Maddox spoke up, “With the money you’re saving with only paying Hongjoong a normal wage, you could hire someone new to compensate for the work, he won’t do anymore. We could need some fresh wind in the team. What about that kid that applied via mail the other day? Minjae? I think, he has potential.”

Eden nodded.

“That’s actually not the worst idea. I’ll think about it.”

He directed his gaze back at Hongjoong.

“You can finish the songs you are actively working on. I want to spare you the frustration of having to give up on one of your pieces. Everything else, you’ll leave to me and the team. And then, I’m sending you on a compulsory leave to cure that damn burnout of yours. You need it and-“ he looked at Seonghwa, “If I remember correctly, semester break will start in a month, right?”

Seonghwa nodded in adorable excitement.

“Hongjoong-ah, take care of your PARTNER during examen period and then take them out on a trip on a remote island or whatever, but don’t you dare to show up in my doorframe during their break. You got me?”

He said it in a tone that sounded like his scolding voice but with a smile playing around his mouth.

“Yes, hyung.”

“I’m expecting you back at my office tomorrow, at 5pm sharp, so we can go through your new contract. And again, I am sorry that it had to come that far. You may go now.”

It was a little typical for Eden to kick them out before he’d get too emotional.

Hongjoong felt euphoria welling in his chest. It seemed like everything had worked out better than he could have ever imagined. And he was actually excited for his time off. For the past seven years, he had never asked for a holiday except for sick leaves. It had always resulted in Eden kicking him out for almost the whole December when the music production business always slowed down a little due to Award Show Season. Hongjoong had always worked through it from home.

The second, they had left the office and stood in the hallway, Seonghwa pulled Hongjoong into an excited kiss.

He saw from the corner of his eye, how Maddox rolled his eyes with a grin before he turned to leave.

Hongjoong forced himself to detach from his partner.

“Hyung, wait!”

Maddox turned back around, grimacing.

“I’m sorry but I am not going to third wheel-“

“Thank you, hyung! I mean it.”

The grimace turned into a smile.

“Of course, Hongjoong-ah. I’m your friend and it’s my duty to help you.”

There was no tease, no playful annoyance or sarcastic banter. For once, they both were just sincere.

Once, that little moment was over, Hongjoong directed his focus back on Seonghwa.

“My star.”

“My world.”

He stared deeply into his favorite pair of sparkly eyes.

There was no need to say more and Hongjoong had never been so certain before that their soulmate bond was real.

In his euphoria, he could not stop himself from kissing Seonghwa again.

“Before we leave, I have to do something at my studio.”

“Hongjoong,” their voice sounded disappointed, to say the least.

“Not what you’re thinking, Hwa,” he smiled, combing their pink strands with his fingers, “There is this song-“

“So it IS what I’m thinking, you just want to work-“

“Let me finish?” Hongjoong interrupted them and received a semi-annoyed nod.

“There is this song I’ve been working on. I want you to listen to it and give me your input. It would mean a lot to me.”

“If you don’t end up working again?”

“I am swearing to my coffee machine that I will just note down what to change and leave the song to future me.”

Seonghwa nodded in satisfaction.

“Talking about coffee,” they grinned, “That coffee I bought you this morning was caffeine free. You’re on a diet.”

“You-“ Hongjoong playfully swatted at his soulmate, before he hid his face in their chest and added a mumbled “Thank you for caring so much”.

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

“What do you say?”

Hongjoong looked at his partner in expectation.

“It sounds so hopeless…”

A work file was opened on Hongjoong’s computer.

“Maybe… What if you add a responding second voice?” they suggested, “An echo, kinda like an adlib that responds to the first part with something hopeful? So, it’s a forth and back between the fears and a little hope without changing the atmosphere too drastically?”

“Hwa, that sounds like an amazing idea! I knew, I was asking the right person. Nobody from the team would have come up with this.”

He wrote the idea into his notebook and was about to shut down his computer when he had another idea.

“Hold up-“

Before closing the program, he changed the file name from ‘Too.Late_demo’ to ‘Not.Too.Late_demo’.

Chapter Text

Thank U

Hongjoong had never known, how great being alive was. At least not in this lifetime. And he would have never found out if there had not been an angel named Seonghwa to show him the world outside his bubble.

The latter was sitting next to him on the sofa, legs drawn over his lap, head on the headrest. It was the perfect position for Hongjoong to study their pretty face while they were watching Star Wars Episode VII. He had given up on following the plot about half an hour ago as his mind kept wandering.

Hongjoong was practically living at Seonghwa’s place now. He’d brought most of his clothes over – even his coffee machine had already moved – and they were planning on renovating and giving up his flat after their holiday. There was not much to move anyways and living together had worked perfectly fine for the past three weeks.

Of course, they sometimes fought over mundane things as Hongjoong slowly learned that Seonghwa was not perfect either. They were a young, unexperienced soul after all, and it showed sometimes. But Hongjoong loved every single imperfection on them.

Seonghwa was indeed neurotic. They were aware of it and had told Hongjoong during a discussion about their habits that they had been diagnosed with OCD a few years prior. Everything had to be clean around them at any given moment, and it was probably the point where the two of them clashed the most. Hongjoong was a little lazy with cleaning, used his mugs two or three days in a row and left his clothes lying around sometimes. Seonghwa on the contrary had to shower every single day, sometimes even twice. They did the dishes daily and outdoor footwear was not allowed to be brought further into the apartment than 3 meters radius from the door. In the beginning, Hongjoong had genuinely tried to support them with the household chores, but after just a week, Seonghwa had prohibited him access to the cleaning supplies since he ‘could not do it the right way anyways’.

Hongjoong also learned that Seonghwa could be really grumpy without enough food or sleep and even tended to snap at him sometimes. And on particularly exhausting days, they could not stand being touched because it overstimulated them.

That was another point both struggled with; they had a hard time expressing their needs and issues. It had taken Seonghwa two weeks to finally address their boundaries in physical touch and even the OCD talk had only happened to prevent an actual fight. And they avoided the multiple lives talk like the plague. They both knew, it had to be addressed but it scared them too much. Hongjoong still had déjà-vus every other day and when Seonghwa was with him, they sensed it and hugged him, but they never talked about it.

Hongjoong always encouraged Seonghwa to express their needs freely but in some cases, they were too self-conscious to speak up about certain things. Hence why it had taken them until a week ago to tell Hongjoong that they were asexual. Obviously, it was not a big deal for Hongjoong. He loved them regardless of their sexual interest and it hurt him to find out, how much this topic had eaten them up ever since they had become a couple. Hongjoong understood that it was not because Seonghwa did not trust him enough, it was just that they had been afraid of disappointing him. As if Hongjoong cared. He had just laughed and told Seonghwa that he had been perfectly fine with living without any kind of physical touch for seven years, dying as a virgin would be smallest, most irrelevant sacrifice he’d make to stay with Seonghwa.

And so, they slowly learned to live with the other and created new daily routines.

With examen period nearing, Seonghwa stopped working at the cinema to focus on their studies. They would pick the job back up after their planned trip. Their parents had offered financial support but after talking to Hongjoong, they had declined. Hongjoong was content with providing for them for the time being since he was not paying any rent. (They would discuss a more permanent solution, once the examen stress was over.)

Every morning, they got up to have breakfast together and Hongjoong found his physical health increasing drastically with that rhythm. Seonghwa would go to university, and he would work on his songs, go grocery shopping or meet up with a therapist they had found for him after the talk with Eden. He needed it. Seonghwa spent most days at the library or studying with friends and sometimes only came back home after dark, so Hongjoong had a lot of time. A lot of time to overthink that made him realize, how bad his mental health was.

With the lack of a work schedule that put him under pressure, he had even picked up playing the guitar again. When he did not get lost in music and forgot the time, Hongjoong tried to learn cooking. He was terrible at it, but he wanted Seonghwa to have something to eat after a stressful day.

Hongjoong also got to meet Seonghwa’s friends and fellow students. Sometimes, they met at their place to learn or work on a group project, and they all accepted Hongjoong into the friend group easily. He was a bit wary of meeting new people and doubted that he would ever get really close with anyone, but they were nice. One of their friends even was a hobby songwriter and sometimes, he found time to ramble about his music when he came over.

Seonghwa had even dragged him to university one day, when it was their turn to present ‘Blue Summer’. They had prepared for it so well, and Hongjoong had welled with pride when Seonghwa had chosen to dress up in one of their skirts at the day of the presentation. Obviously, they had gotten an A for it but what made Hongjoong even happier was the confidence and gender euphoria, Seonghwa had radiated that day. The progress they made with finding their identity made Hongjoong want to cry.

Seonghwa also got to meet Hongjoong’s brother. For the first time, Hongjoong regretted his inability to stay in touch with people when Bumjoong had missed out on the biggest change in Hongjoong’s life so far. He had called one day and Hongjoong had realized that he had not given him any update since the night he had called to panic about first messaging Seonghwa. Bumjoong seemed a little shocked that they had already moved in together but did not comment on it; he had simply asked to meet his ‘future brother-in-law’ how he had called Seonghwa.

On Saturdays, they went on dates, so Seonghwa could free their head from all the stress for a few hours. They went to the butterfly garden again, where Hongjoong could barely even focus on the pretty insects, when Seonghwa was so much prettier. They had finally chosen to wear the miniskirt Hongjoong had bought them at their first date. It felt like a huge milestone on their journey, and they looked so insanely pretty. Seonghwa watched the butterflies’ colorful wings with wonder in their eyes – it had become Hongjoong’s favorite thing in the whole world – and beamed with joy whenever a butterfly came to sit on them. Hongjoong had taken many wonderful pictures that day.

On lazy Saturdays, they liked to take walks to the park where they had first kissed and picnicked, just like back then. They spent the time cuddling, watching their surroundings and talking about everything and nothing. They always ended days like this with a movie night at home.

Seonghwa insisted on showing Hongjoong every single Star Wars movie (in the correct order) before they could proceed to watch whatever Hongjoong wanted to show them. They had jokingly said that it was impossible for them to ‘grow old with an uncultured person that did not even know who Princess Leia is’. And Hongjoong respected it. He respected the passion and wanted to be able to share their happiness.

It was exactly one of those evenings when Hongjoong reminisced all those things while watching his soulmate who was staring at the screen with high focus.

“Did I ever tell you how happy I am that our paths crossed, Seonghwa? I love you so much.”

“KIM HONGJOONG! HAN SOLO JUST DIED AND YOU ARE DECLARING YOUR LOVE TO ME?”

Oh. Oops.

“Who?”

“KIM FUCKING HONGJOONG, WE ARE WATCHING A MOVIE!”

Hongjoong laughed in delight despite Seonghwa looking like he had just killed a puppy.

“I can’t help it, you are distracting me with your grace, Hwa.”

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Obviously, Hongjoong started writing love songs over love songs. He also processed the burnout he had been diagnosed with and his struggle with selfcare through his music, but Seonghwa had become his muse. There was just so much to write about. He discoursed on their mesmerizing smile, the universe in their eyes and all the little things they did to make Hongjoong happier. There were endless ways to describe their beauty and Hongjoong never got tired of coming up with new metaphors for how much he loved them. His most recent song was about the thankfulness he felt. He had just finished the demo and was waiting for the right moment to show it to them.

It was the Friday evening after Seonghwa had written their last examen, three days before they would leave for their little trip. They had decided to travel to the mountains for two weeks. They both just wanted to relax a little, the future would hold more opportunities for action-packed holidays. Hongjoong had found the perfect cottage in a small town surrounded by forests; it had a small clearing on a hill attached, perfect for stargazing.

To celebrate Seonghwa’s freedom, Hongjoong had prepared a little home spa day for them. He had found Star-Wars themed sheet masks (who cared if they were really helpful for anything, they just looked cute), had bought new bleach and restocked his dye arsenal. He had even managed to find cute Wookie headbands and hair clips and Seonghwa had beamed with excitement when they had come home.

They were sitting on the bathroom floor (on towels because sitting on the floor was nasty, according to them) and Seonghwa was applying midnight blue hair dye to Hongjoong’s scalp. Seonghwa was eager to learn how to dye hair correctly, so Hongjoong had sacrificed himself as the guinea pig. He had not allowed them to apply the bleach, trusting himself more with that, despite his hair already being fried anyways. But the dye was fine, he could touch it up himself if he needed to.

Seonghwa’s hair was covered in the usual pink dye because they wanted to keep the color a little longer. It gave them a lot of confidence.

Quiet piano music was playing from Seonghwa’s music box and Hongjoong felt safe. Their soft touches on his scalp were calming and he closed his eyes to bask in the moment. It baffled him, how far they had come in such a short time. Seonghwa had become his anchor, his safe space and he wondered, how he had thought, he had been happy for all the years prior.

“Hwa?”

“Hmm?” came the quiet response.

“Thank you for being on my side. You’ve changed my life to the better.”

“Mhm. And you’re my safe space, Hongjoong. The only person I can be fully myself with.”

They fell into a comfortable silence until Seonghwa decided, they were done with Hongjoong’s hair.

“Done! What now, Joong?” they asked excitedly.

“Nails. But- I need to show you something first.”

He got up and stretched out his hand to hoist Seonghwa up from the ground. He did not let go of their hand, once Seonghwa was standing but pulled them into the living room where his laptop was lying on the couch. They walked past a mirror and Hongjoong looked at himself, chuckling at the mess, Seonghwa had created on his head. His ears and forehead were covered in blue splotches and he could already see where they had not applied enough color. He decided, he would not dye over it to respect Seonghwa’s effort.

“I wrote a song for you, Hwa.”

At their excited smile, he felt the butterflies in his stomach come back to life. No matter, how long he stayed with Seonghwa, the exciting tug in his stomach whenever he looked at his soulmate never ebbed. It just did not make him nervous anymore but made him feel like he was home. Like he had done everything right when Seonghwa smiled or laughed because of him.

“You did?”

Seonghwa looked at him as if this was something super special, as if it was not literally Hongjoong’s profession. It was too cute. They had not even heard it yet but were already so excited.

“Yeah. It’s- well, I just wanted to-“ Hongjoong struggled to find the right words because now, he suddenly was nervous again, “Ugh, you will see.”

Seonghwa laughed when they noticed their nerves and Hongjoong considered pretending like the file had been deleted. That sound was already 1000 times better than any song could ever be.

He opened his laptop and while it was starting, he tapped on the keys anxiously.

He clicked on the song and took a deep breath before pressing start.

“Okay, here it goes,” he mumbled, mainly just to say something.

These days, I keep thinking that

I am living quite well

And the evidence is you

Seonghwa’s eyes widened with wonder when they heard the first lines. They looked at Hongjoong with a loving gaze, mouth slightly agape as the song went on.

Then, the pre-chorus started and their eyes became a little misty.

I have something to say

The words I wanted to say

I’ve been thinking about it all night

When I think of you

There is a lot I’m sorry for

I want to say those difficult words now

THANK U

The beat dropped as the chorus began and Seonghwa squeezed their eyes to prevent the tears from falling. Hongjoong watched them intently as they took a shuddering breath at the next line.

Thank you for being on my side

When the part where Hongjoong sang about overcoming difficulties together came on, Seonghwa lost it and was not able to stop themself from crying anymore.

During the bridge, they had long given up on staying composed and full on sobbed. Hongjoong felt like he had brought his point across successfully.

The song ended with Hongjoong’s favorite lines.

You and I

You and I

It will always be us

Seonghwa took another deep breath and grabbed for Hongjoong’s hands.

“I- I’d hug your right now but-“ they looked at the hair dye in Hongjoong’s hair, “Thank you. This- I d-don’t know what to say…”

They squeezed his hands tightly.

“Joongie, It’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever written!”

“Because it’s about you, my star.”

Seonghwa sighed and looked down to avoid Hongjoong seeing their blush.
“I’ve never thought, anyone could ever feel like that about me,” they whispered, “I wish, I could return this favor somehow-“

Hongjoong abruptly took a step closer to lift their head with a hand on their chin. He wanted to look into their glittery eyes as he spoke.

“Hwa. You are doing this every day. I’ve told you several times, but I’ll keep telling you this. You brought a joy into my life I’ve never known before. You’ve changed my life and me to the better in so many aspects. You’ve done more for me than I could ever ask for.”

Deliberately, he went in to plant a soft – short but in no way rushed – kiss on their lips, careful not to mess up their hair. Seonghwa smiled at him so warmly, so in love. Hongjoong was once again reminded how lucky he was that fate had paired him with a person this amazing.

"May I know which color the song has for you?"

Their synesthesia never ceased to amaze him and he was dying to hear them talk about something so special, so uniquely Seonghwa.

"It's a warm yellow, almost a bit brown-ish. Like warm light. It's comforting, feels cozy like home."

Hongjoong looked at his partner in wonder. The way they described the color made it clear that the song had brough his point across successfully.

"I'm glad it makes you feel that way because this is how you make me feel, hwa."

Their entire face lit up at those words, glowing almost as if they were the source of said warm light.

“Now, my star, which colors would you like for your nails? I'm afraid, warm yellow won't fit your hair though.”

Seonghwa laughed and kissed him, their wet eyes reflecting the sunlight beautifully.

“I love you, Hongjoong. And- Do you have pink and blue nail polish?”

Hongjoong nodded. Of course. He owned all the colors of the rainbow.

“I thought... maybe, I could get blue nails and you pink. We would match each other’s hair.”

Hongjoong was so whipped. A cute idea like this could only come from his soulmate.

Chapter Text

Dazzling Light

Hongjoong dropped his luggage with a loud groan and flopped down on the sofa. They had just arrived at the cottage that would be their home for the next two weeks.

“I’ll never move an inch again,” he whined.

Seonghwa giggled.

“You’re so overdramatic Hongjoong. It was just a four-hour train ride.”

“’Just four hours’ they said,” Hongjoong mumbled, “Hwa, how can you still stand upright?”

They laughed at him and came over to give him a forehead kiss.

“Did not know, you are this dramatic? Where is the Hongjoong that never sleeps and always needs something to do?”

“That Hongjoong got lost when I had to talk to the ticket inspector earlier. Too many people and too much social interaction. I think, I’ll need a week off just to recover from today.”

It made Seonghwa laugh even more and Hongjoong immediately felt better.

“That would be a shame. You would miss half the trip”, they responded and brushed through Hongjoong’s (very messily dyed) dark blue hair, “Joongie, I want to check out the grocery store I saw down the street. Could we make a trip there?”

Hongjoong just groaned even louder in response. He really did not want to get back up again.

“Alright, I get it,” they chuckled, “The poor old man needs a break.”

Hongjoong huffed, indignant at being called old.

“You’re older, Hwa-“

“And? Just by a few months. And my soul isn’t. But if you’re really that exhausted, it’s fine. I’ll take a walk by myself, should be back in fifteen minutes. Imma bring dinner.”

Hongjoong felt a little bad for making Seonghwa go by themself but he really was exhausted.

“You’d be fine with that?”

“Yes,” Seonghwa bent down again to give Hongjoong a kiss, “I’m old enough to find the way by myself. I’ll be right back.”

Oh, how much Hongjoong loved them for being so unproblematic and optimistic.

While Seonghwa was off to explore the grocery store, Hongjoong took a few minutes for his heart rate to calm down, before he took a look at the interior of the cottage.

It had only two rooms: A bedroom and a living room. It looked clean but Hongjoong knew that Seonghwa could not be stopped to deep clean before they’d be comfortable. The wooden walls and furniture gave the house a cozy feeling and there even was a hearth in the living room. The bathroom held a freestanding tub. Seonghwa had already announced that they’d have to bring bath bombs and bath salt when they had chosen the cottage.

Once he was done with his little tour, Seonghwa was already back, their smile wider than before they had left.

“Joongie, you won’t believe what happened to me at the grocery store!”

Hongjoong came to take the shopping bags out of their hands and put them on the kitchen counter. Seeing Seonghwa this happy was infectious.

“Yeah?”

“Yes! An elderly woman at the store misgendered me!”

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. What was so great about that?

“And you’re this euphoric about it?”

“No, you don’t understand, Joong, she called me ‘Young Lady’! And she only noticed her mistake when I started speaking!”

Oh, okay that was an interesting development. Sure, they were wearing a skirt and the long hair along with the soft colors they were dressed in made them look rather feminine but THAT was new. To his knowledge, it had never happened before.

He sat back down on the sofa and patted the free spot besides him, inviting Seonghwa to join. They accepted and immediately tangled their legs with his.

“Hwa, wanna tell me, why it makes you so happy?”

That was when Hongjoong noticed that they had not even stopped to think about it themself. Their smile dropped a little as they pondered over it. Hongjoong suddenly regret making them question it, but the smile soon found its way back to stretch over their entire face.

“Uhm… I’m not sure? I just- I think I’m happy that they did not assume me male immediately? That I am female passing if I want to? It feels validating.”

“So… you like being called feminine?”

“I guess so?”

“And you enjoy not being perceived as male, even if it means, people think of you as a woman?”

“I mean- I would correct them if we engaged in a conversation but yes.”

Hongjoong hesitated for a second before he continued asking. But he knew, conversations like this helped Seonghwa to understand themself better.

“What about she/her pronouns?”

Seonghwa looked genuinely surprised at that.

“Oh? I don’t think, I’d be comfortable with that, Joong. I don’t feel like a woman at all. I’m just happy that my appearance makes people question my gender,” they grimaced.

Hongjoong had already expected this answer but still wanted to make sure.

“Alright, I just wanted to push you a little, Hwa. I know, you like experimenting with your gender expression, so I wanted you to think about it.”

Seonghwa’s grin grew even wider if that was even possible.

“Thank you, Hongjoong. I appreciate it. Really, it means a lot to me. But I’m the most confident with they/them. Actually- I haven’t told you this yet but I’ve taken a decision.”

“Is that so?” Hongjoong was curios about what they had to say and found himself leaning closer.

“Yes. I decided that once I’m done with university and enter the work field, I’ll start using they/them exclusively. You know, with a new environment, it might be easier than asking my fellow students to switch.”

Hongjoong placed his hand on Seonghwa’s.

“Hwa, I am proud of you. You’ve come so far, and it makes me so damn happy to see you growing more and more confident in your own skin!”

“I couldn’t have done it without you Hongjoong. You’re the one fueling my confidence like this. Thank you.”

“Always, my star. Always. And just know, whenever you want to try out anything new, may it be a new style, new pronouns or whatever you come up with, just say a word and I’ll do it with you.”

Hongjoong could read their gratitude in their eyes when he looked at Seonghwa’s face.

“This is why I love you, Hongjoong-ah.”

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

Hongjoong woke up from the sound of dishes rustling and it immediately sparked panic in him. He looked to the side to find the other half of the bed empty. Rationally, he knew that Seonghwa had most likely gotten up early to clean the cottage, but it did not stop the déjà-vu that rushed over him, triggered by the sound.

He felt himself standing in a kitchen, watching someone he dearly loved doing the dishes – was it a child? He felt the pang of a heartache at the sight and then the moment was over. It left him shaking and scared.

With wobbly knees he got up to alarm Seonghwa. This- This had been one of the most intense déjà-vus he has ever had. Hongjoong barely made it to the door before he started feeling faint. He felt himself hyperventilating and barely managed to croak out Seonghwa’s name.

He saw them whipping around from where they were standing at the sink, pretty eyes wide and scared. The sound of their gloves being tossed into the dish water triggered a second déjà-vu. It was the same situation but this time, he was sure that there was a girl standing in front of him, washing something.

The sight of Seonghwa became blurry and Hongjoong could only hear their voice muffled by the sound of his own blood rushing through his ears. He did not understand their words and felt the ground under his feet vanishing but then, Seonghwa was beside him, catching him and making sure, he did not hurt himself when he sank to the ground.

Hongjoong remembered it. Someone had died. The girl and him had mourned them. Suddenly, the kid had to do the dishes when there had always been someone else to do it. It hurt. It hurt so much and Hongjoong mourned about a person he had never known.

“Hongjoong, Joong-ah please talk to me! Joongie, you’re okay!” Hongjoong slowly started processing his surroundings again. His head was lying in Seonghwa’s lap and fingers brushed through his hair. Their voice sounded scared, teary.

“Hwa”, he managed to mumble.

“Oh my god, Joongie you’re back! I was- Woah, careful!” they interrupted themself when Hongjoong tried to sit up, a headache making him chirm.

Seonghwa got up quickly and rushed away to come back with a glass of water.

“Here, please drink something. Was that…” their voice gave up when it came to address what had happened.

“A déjà-vu, yes Hwa. Two, actually.”

“Two?” their eyes went wide.

“Yes.”

Hongjoong took a few careful sips and felt the cold running down his throat, it sharpened his senses a little.

“And they were linked.”

“Joongie, I know, you don’t want to talk about it, but-“

Seonghwa seemed so deliberate, so careful as if they were afraid to break him and Hongjoong could not stand it.

“I know. We have to. It’s eating me up. It’s eating up both of us.”

Seonghwa offered him a hand and helped him up, so they could walk small steps towards the sofa and sit down.

Seonghwa had their hands nervously clasped together in their lap and Hongjoong could sense how tensed they were. He was not better, either.

“So…”

“Uhm…”

Both struggled to start the conversation, uncertain what it really was, they needed to talk about and where it would lead them.

“What makes the déjà-vus so hard for you, Hongjoong-ah? Why are they so much more emotional, ever since we went to the fortune teller?” Seonghwa decided to rip off the band aid.

That was the big question, wasn’t it? Hongjoong had always avoided searching the answer.

“I- I guess, I have a bigger emotional attachment to them now? I’m aware that all those memories my mind forces me to visit are real. They really happened. And I can’t comprehend it. I always felt like I’m like any other person, like I only have this one life. I was born, started from scratch and gained all my experiences in the past twenty-five years. But now you’re telling me, I’ve been married at least once? I’ve been murdered? I had a family, I had children? And sometimes, fate just plays this cruel trick and makes me remember how it felt. While I don’t even want kids right now, I suddenly know how it was to have a daughter. That just fucks me up so much because those are not the things me, Kim Hongjoong feels. But they are?”

Seonghwa was silent and Hongjoong only now understood what he had just said.

“Wow, Hwa. I just told you things about myself I was not even aware of a minute ago.”

At that, Seonghwa gave him a little smile.

“Now, you know, how I feel when you let me talk about my Identity.”

Hongjoong felt like they were not done speaking yet, so he waited.

“I think, now it’s time for me to help you find yours. Hongjoong-ah. I know, this is you and those are your memories, but I think, you have to learn to see them with a little distance. These are you but other – PAST – versions of you. And there is a reason why we don’t remember our past lives. Because they cannot affect our current ones. YOU, as you are sitting in front of me, are Kim Hongjoong, a music producer and to my knowledge, you are not married yet, you are very much alive and you don’t have children.”

Hongjoong thought about Seonghwa’s words. They made sense. A lot of sense. Yet…

“If it was that easy to make my subconscious know that, Hwa…”

“It’s a process,” Seonghwa responded, their voice strong, unwavering but endlessly soft, “You need to learn it slowly. Just like it took me years to come out as nonbinary and it will take me many more years – or even lifetimes – to learn who I am, you will need years to come to terms with your past. You cannot suppress it like you’ve been doing, though. I’ve been there Hongjoong. I’ve tried to suppress the emotions that scared me. It does not go well. It results in catastrophic outbursts like the one you just had. You need to learn to accept it before you fully understand it. And, to use your words, no matter, how many years it will take you and how often you’ll fall down, I will always be by your side and help you back up.”

Hongjoong looked at Seonghwa with wide eyes. He had not expected such wise words from them.

“But how do I start?”

Seonghwa kept silent for a while, clearly calculating their answer.

“Write them down. Write down your déjà-vus. Try to sort them, find a structure in the mess. I had a diary as a teenager, the first ‘person’ I told, what was ‘wrong’ with me-“

That comment had sparked Hongjoong’s protection mode.

“There’s nothing wro-“

“I know. But my teenager self did not. From my perspective back then, there was something that made me different from my classmates, so naturally, I thought there was something wrong with me. It’s the process I’ve been talking about. Don’t you feel like there is something wrong right now? You might learn one day that you are indeed different but not wrong. You always channel your thoughts through writing, Hongjoong. If it helps, write lyrics about your past lives. And of course, you can always tell me about them.”

They were right, Hongjoong always processed what was going on inside of him with lyric writing. When he was overwhelmed and did not understand his own feelings, he made a song about it, abstracted his messy thoughts with metaphors and rhymes. Maybe, he could do that with this new issue, as well.

“I think, I’ll try that out. Thank you, Hwa. You really said some smart things there.”

Seonghwa nodded at him and the familiar blush started taking over their cheeks.

“Joongie,” they seemed hesitant again, “There is... something else I'd like to ask you.”

“Anything, my star.”

“How do you cope with the fact that this is your last life? It does not seem to bother you at all that once you die, you’re just- gone. Doesn’t it drive you crazy?”

That thought had never really crossed his mind. Maybe, he lived too much from day to day to bother.

“It doesn’t drive me crazy because I always thought that I’d only live once. Nothing has changed much in that term. It’s not much of a big revelation that I’ll die one day, Hwa. I’ve always thought that nothing comes after you pass away but my believes have been tuned upside down once already, so who knows? Who knows what happens in the ‘afterlife’? I just don’t care because for now, I am still young and – yes, things could happen any time – but the chances are higher that we will grow old together. That’s what I am looking forward to. And, devil may care, I can’t find it in myself to bother about what happens after I’m gone. Even if I died now, I would not know about the things I’ve missed out on. And I know that you’ll live on and will be reborn again to live many more amazing lives. And you won’t miss me because you won't remember me.”

It might sound hard and drastic but there was no use in sugarcoating his thoughts. Even though seeing Seonghwa becoming pale at his last sentence caused an uncomfortable tug in his stomach, they should know how he felt.

“I- I don’t want to forget you, Hongjoong,” they sounded terrified, “You- you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I- I-“

Hongjoong sat a little more upright to offer them his arms with a sigh. Seonghwa immediately accepted and leaned against him, so Hongjoong could shower their hair, their pretty face, their arms and every body part he could reach with soft caresses and kisses.

“And you won’t forget me for a long, long time, Hwa. I am right here next to you. And I’ll make sure to give you countless wonderful core memories to come back to whenever you miss me. I don’t think, fate would be so cruel to rip us apart so quickly when it made me wait lifetimes to find you. I have the feeling that we will have a long life together. I can almost certainly promise you that it won’t end tomorrow, the day after tomorrow or anytime soon.”

。·:*:·ﾟ★,+

They cuddled until midday, not leaving the sofa until they could not ignore their empty stomachs anymore. After having a late breakfast, Seonghwa resumed to cleaning. Hongjoong offered to help but was planted on the sofa again, Seonghwa practically throwing his laptop at him to ‘go and make a new song or whatever but leave the cleaning to the professional’. Hongjoong opted on playing his songs to Seonghwa and rambling about the meanings before he agreed on taking a trip to the grocery store to get dinner.

It was a perfectly sunny day, so in the evening, they decided to finally go stargazing together. At dusk, they left the cottage with their huge picnic blanket and a basket filled with the dinner Hongjoong had bought previously.

When they started walking up the hill, Hongjoong looked up for the first time and was overwhelmed. There were only a few stars visible as the sun had just gone down, but it was already more than Hongjoong had seen ever since he had moved to the city for work. It caused a kind of nostalgia in him that was impossible to put into words.

He had the feeling that he had always loved the night sky, not just in this lifetime. It really was fate that he had found Seonghwa, his star, in the end.

They pitched their camp on the top of the small hill and started eating in silence. Seonghwa seemed to be in a similar mood as they kept turning their head to look at the firmament that showed more and more stars by each minute.

“Hwa, my beautiful star,” Hongjoong spoke up, long after they had finished eating and had lied down arm in arm, “Look, the Cassiopeia is visible!”

It felt magical and momentarily, Hongjoong forgot about all their worries.

“Can you see it?” he pointed at the constellation that was located near the horizon, “You see those five super bright stars that make a W? That’s her.”

“I can see it,” they whispered in awed voice.

“It’s impossible to miss. The star in the center, Tsih, points directly at the Northern Star and it’s brightness changes. To its right is the brightest star of the constellation, Schedir. Schedir is a Red Giant and has 3 smaller stars that permanently follow it. Caph marks the right corner of the W and is the main star closest to us with only 55 lightyears. Rukbat is the star to the left of Tsih. The last star we associate with Cassiopeia is named Segin and the least researched one. We know barely anything about it.”

“You’re cute when you talk about the things you love, Hongjoong.”

A sweet little kiss was planted to his temple.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, please never stop! What does ‘Cassiopeia’ mean?”

Hongjoong loved, how Seonghwa tried to keep the conversation alive to give him a chance to infodump.

“Oh, It’s pretty unromantic. Cassiopeia is a figure from the Greek mythology. She was an arrogant queen that was cursed by Poseidon.

“Oh…”

“Yeah, it’s not the coolest. But do you see the yellow-ish star right next to Caph? That’s a star named Rho Cassiopeiae. It’s one of the biggest stars ever found and 740 times bigger than our sun. It’s a dying star and there is a tiny chance that we will witness it’s supernova one day. Or more like, we’ll find out, it died 3.000 years ago one day.”

Seonghwa turned their head to look at him in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“The firmament is an infinite window to the past, Hwa. Since light needs time to travel, the light you are seeing right now, has left all those stars decades, centuries or even thousands of years ago. Rho Cassiopeiae is 3.400 light years away, which means, we’re seeing how it looked 3.400 years ago. The furthest away star in Cassiopeia is more than 10.000 light years away. It’s a little insane to think about it. There might be someone in the far, far future who is watching us right now.”

“I didn’t know- That’s insane. Joong, I’ve never known that you know so much about the stars! Why did you never tell me?”

Hongjoong shrugged.

“It was an interest I had as a kid. I’ve never really thought about it again when I entered work life and had to leave the stars behind.”

“You should pick it back up. It’s a wonderful hobby,” they murmured and cuddled further into Hongjoong’s shoulder.

Hongjoong could not even begin to tell them how much he had missed the stars.

“You’re right. I should. Actually, there is another star in Cassiopeia we can’t see right now. It’s kind of the counterpart to Rho Cassiopeiae. It has an unnecessarily long name made of numbers but is incredibly fascinating. It’s one of the hottest stars known to mankind with over 200.000 degrees. This star is so small and young, it has not even finished being born yet.”

“So, Rho and that star without a name are kind of like us?”

“Yes,” Hongjoong laughed, “Rho will die in a supernova soon and will leave a legacy of bright light for many years to come, while the other star that’s part of the same constellation has yet to be born and named. They are only co-existing in such a short time frame, but we are lucky enough to witness it.”

Hongjoong kept talking about the stars and Seonghwa listened, occasionally asking questions. They must have spent hours like that before their conversation ebbed out and they just watched the stars in silence.

“Joong, Joongie, are you awake? Oh my god, what is that?”

Hongjoong had indeed started drifting off into sleep when Seonghwa’s voice shook them awake within seconds. They did not sound scared, rather excited.

He sat up to see what Seonghwa was pointing at. A small light was dancing around their blanket.

“That, my dearest Seonghwa, is a firefly.”

“A-Are you kidding me?”

Seonghwa was looking at him as if he had just proposed.

“A real Firefly? I’ve- I’ve never seen one before!”

It made Hongjoong’s heart feel light like a feather. He might as well fly away as one of the fireflies.

“Yes, my star. I’ve read that they are pretty common in this area. Wanna hunt fireflies together?” He got up and reached out his hand to Seonghwa, “They are more likely to be found near the forest entrance.”

Seonghwa did not need to be asked twice and jumped up in delight, nearly running towards the forest, pulling an equally excited Hongjoong along. Their laughter echoed over the hill.

At the sight of every new little floating light, Seonghwa’s eyes started sparkling more and more and Hongjoong felt so in love, he found it hard to speak.

“Joongie, look! There’s another one. And over there- Oh, it just went out… Waah, it’s blinking at us! Do you know Morse, Joong? Maybe, it’s trying to tell us something!”

Hongjoong just stood there and marveled at his soulmate. He’d never be able to grasp the excitement they radiated in moments like this.

But suddenly, Seonghwa calmed down, and their eyes lost a bit of their glow as they searched for Hongjoong’s face.

“Did you know that fireflies are about to go extinct? The last one might die in five years or sooner. It’s a shame.”

Hongjoong sighed and grabbed their hands. Seonghwa might be feeling euphoria ten times more intense than anyone else, but it was the same case for negative emotions. He could not allow this to destroy this utterly magical moment.

“Hwa, please listen to me carefully. When you are already mourning them now, while they haven’t even gone extinct yet, you’ll have never enjoyed them to the fullest once they are gone.”

Something in Seonghwa’s head seemed to click as they stared at Hongjoong in understanding.

“Joongie, my world, I get it now! It’s the same with us, isn’t it?”

Hongjoong nodded. They had finally understood.

Seonghwa started crying and laughing at the same time, their eyes sparkling with an amount of love, Hongjoong had never seen before. And Hongjoong could not help but join them.

“The two stars,” Seonghwa cried, “The fireflies, us, it’s all happening right now! You are here! Right now! With me! We’re together Joongie! We’ve found each other!”

And both were so happy to be alive. Despite all odds, they experienced this moment in each other’s arms. Surrounded by fireflies and illuminated by the Cassiopeia and millions of other stars, they kissed. It was by far not their first kiss, but it felt like a first. Maybe, because it was the first without fears, without any pressure, pain or desperation. It was a kiss of pure, destined love. Two soulmates falling together like they were always supposed to.

Later, Hongjoong would write a song about this moment. He would call it ‘Dazzling Light’ and dedicate it to the sole reason for his existence: A star named Park Seonghwa. They would say that it is the most colorful song he had ever written.

Chapter Text

Epilogue: Dancing Like Butterfly Wings

Hongjoong was healing, and so was Seonghwa. Together, they went on long walks through the forest where Hongjoong was exposed to Seonghwa’s wonders to the full extent. Seonghwa skipped through the woods like a child, excited over every little mushroom, funny stick or bug they found. (Which Hongjoong could not understand, he preferred a minimum of two meters distance between himself and bugs.) They enjoyed researching and learning about the different bird calls they heard and always insisted on taking a book with them (Hongjoong carried it) to pick pretty flowers and press them. On rare occasions, they spotted bigger animals like deers and once even a forest cat, and every time, Seonghwa was practically exploding from euphoria. But even the excitement about seeing one of the countless squirrels never ebbed down. (“Look, Joongie! It’s you!”)

They went to a nearby temple and Hongjoong learned about a side of Seonghwa they had never shown before. Seonghwa ‘being a little spiritual’ seemed to be an understatement when they reverently prayed to gods, they did not even know the names of. Seonghwa explained that they had not been raised religiously but still wanted to pay tribute to all the religions and beliefs. They were oddly quiet and calm that day and even cried a little but it was a peaceful silence.

Some days, they just sat on the sofa and talked. They talked about each other, about childhood memories and fears, about everything and nothing. They found out that they shared lots of similar memories as they both had grown up with an elder brother. They had long and serious talks that left them crying in the other’s arms sometimes. One topic that came up frequently was Hongjoong’s family. He had not talked to his parents in two years and Seonghwa decided that they would visit them after their trip. Hongjoong was afraid, but Seonghwa sensed that they still mattered to him.

They talked about their shared future and their dreams, and Hongjoong found himself falling in love more and more every day.

Late at night, when they had come back from hours of stargazing (and had not fallen asleep outside), Hongjoong sometimes pulled out his laptop when he could not sleep. Nothing could disrupt Seonghwa’s slumber, so he wrote a song. About them, of course.

He tried to put the wonders only Seonghwa saw into words. It was to become a song about the pure euphoria they felt at seeing a butterfly, the never-ending energy to explore what was around them. It was about all the colors Seonghwa perceived when looking at the world that had been black and white for Hongjoong for years. And he re-learned to see those colors, too; through Seonghwa, the star that glowed only for him. He named the song ‘Dancing Like Butterfly Wings’. 

Epilogue: Aurora

Hongjoong could not await the last night of their trip because he knew, it would mark the highlight of it.

They had spent the last day revisiting their favorite spots in the woods and packing their things. It was late in the evening and Hongjoong had just packed the picnic basket with lots of snacks and was waiting for Seonghwa to join him for one last stargazing rendezvous.

“Hwa, you comin’?” he shouted towards the bedroom. He only received a grumble as a response.

Seonghwa had been a little tired all day and Hongjoong chuckled before he made his way to the bedroom door.

“Hwa, are you ready to go?”

They were laying sprawled out on the bed. (Wow, in outdoor clothing, they must be really exhausted.)

“Mmh, Joongie, I’m tired. And we have to travel all the way back home tomorrow...”

Hongjoong snorted.

“How was that? ONLY four hours?”

“Hmpf,” came another grumble, “I just wanna sleep…”

“That would be a pity, my star. Because I have a surprise for you and I am certain, you don’t want to miss out on it.”

Seonghwa lifted their head slowly.

“A surprise?” they sounded a little unamused, “What is it?”

“If I told you, it would not be a surprise anymore. Now come, you can rest outside.”

Seonghwa mumbled a few curses but got up to put on their shoes. They followed Hongjoong to the spot where the grass was already flattened permanently from all the previous nights they had spent under the firmament.

Hongjoong sprawled out the blanket and sat down, wanting to take out the snacks he had prepared, when Seonghwa flopped down next to him, immediately falling into Hongjoong’s side to cuddle.

He sighed lovingly, gave up on the snacks and got comfortable to let Seonghwa snuggle up to him. It was another thing he would have never expected; The feeling of someone searching proximity, yearning to feel your warmth was one of the best feelings in the world.

They sat like that for a while, Hongjoong petting their hair and basking in the feeling of love until quiet snores reached his ears. Various emotions washed over him, but he felt at peace. His star, tucked under his arms, felt safe enough to relax and fall asleep without any worries.

Hongjoong sat there, waited, watched the stars and the moon, and thought about love. Care. Trust.

After a while, he started feeling a little droopy with Seonghwa’s regular breaths lulling him into sleepiness, too, when he suddenly noticed white cloudy lines forming on the sky.

“Hwa. My star. Please wake up!” he whispered.

Seonghwa stirred in their sleep but only wrapped their arms around Hongjoong’s waist and mumbled something incoherent.

“Seonghwa, Love of my life, please wake up.”

“Mmh?” they finally lifted their head with a yawn, “What’s wrong?”

Hongjoong just pointed up at the sky and watched how the tiredness slowly left their face to be replaced by wonder.

“Joong? What is that? Is that the milky way?”

Oh, they were so cute in their clueless, tired mood.

“This, my dearest Seonghwa, is the Aurora Borealis. The Northern Lights,” he declared solemnly.

Their eyes widened and all the sleepiness was gone. The white lines were slowly drifting over their heads and gradually, the black night sky started fading into a pink tone.

“A-are you joking?” they asked in disbelief.

“No, Hwa. I’m dead serious.”

“But-How? Can’t you only see them in polar regions?”

Hongjoong shook his head.

“No, there is a super strong sun storm passing the earth right now, causing the northern lights to be visible from many places tonight. You’ve not been on your phone much but it’s on the news everywhere.”

“So- this, this is really the Aurora? The real, actual Aurora?”

At that moment, the horizon flared up in deep pink and green colors, stealing both their breaths.

“I’ve always dreamed of seeing it one day, Joongie. I- I just never expected it to actually happen,” they whispered reverently.

Hongjoong pulled his soulmate into his lap, arms tight around their waist, resting his chin on their shoulder, so they could watch the spectacle together.

Hongjoong was overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. There was only so much love a human could handle before they just stopped functioning.

“It’s crazy but I think, I’ve really just been waiting for you all my life,” he whispered into Seonghwa’s ear.

“Hmm?” they responded absentmindedly, focused on the pinks and greens that ebbed and flowed over their heads.

“Do you know ‘Aurora’ by Choi Jongho?”

Seonghwa nodded, eyes fixated on the sky.

"I love the song because it has the colors of the actual thing. It just fits so well."

“It's the first song I’ve ever sold.”

Seonghwa turned around to stare at him in surprise.

“YOU wrote it?”

Hongjoong nodded.

“It was my first work, Eden deemed good enough to put on the market. It became just a b-side on the album of a freshly debuted, unknown artist but it made me so proud. It- It means a lot to me. I’ve never seen the Aurora in this lifetime but when I wrote it, I just knew how it felt. And that I wanted to show someone this magic one day.”

He gave Seonghwa a quick kiss before he maneuvered them to sit back against his chest, so they could look at the Northern Lights again.

“I was just waiting to show it to you, my star. I was always just waiting for you.”

“And I’m glad, you finally found me,” they whispered.

“I love you, my star.”

“I love you, my world.”

They confessed their love one more time under the magical lights of the Aurora Borealis and Hongjoong knew, this memory would escort Seonghwa through all their future lives.