Chapter Text
“Did Cerberus ever tell you how they recovered your body? … I gave it to them. I gave you to them, Shepard. Because they said they could rebuild you. And to do that, I had to take it from the Shadow Broker, who was going to sell your corpse to the Collectors.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this before now?”
“Because I screwed it up, Shepard. I barely escaped with my own life. And when I gave you to Cerberus, I told myself I was doing it for you, for a chance to bring you back. But I knew Cerberus would use you for their own business. And I let it happen. Because I couldn’t let you go. I’m sorry.”
“All this time, it wasn’t your sources. You knowingly gave me to Cerberus. You did this to me!”
“And If I hadn’t, you would have been dead! It was them or the Collectors. I made the best choice I could. I’m sorry.”
“There were other options! Give me back to the Alliance. Hell, destroy the body.” I looked at Garrus. "Did you know about this?"
"No. But if I had?" He glanced at Liara. "I'm glad I didn't have to make that call."
I shook my head in disgust and turned to Miranda.
"And you? You didn't think you should tell me one of my closest friends brought me to you?"
"It wasn't my place to tell you! I protected her confidentiality the same as I would any of our business partners. The same as yours, once you were in our care."
I opened my mouth to give her hell, but Liara cut in. "She's right. I should have told you. It was cowardly of me not to. I was afraid of… this."
I stared at her for a few seconds, but I couldn't find it in me to disagree with her. I looked at Garrus, then Miranda again.
"At least you didn't have a reason to care what I'd want." I headed for the door. "I need some time."
Before the door closed, I heard Miranda say, "Let her go." Probably to Garrus.
—
I felt like unleashing violence on something, but one thing the Normandy lacked was a proper gym, the kind with pads or a punching bag you could vent on. I did the next best thing and took a long walk.
At first I stared blankly at Illium's vistas, numb with the shock of finding out that Liara - fucking Liara, who'd been in my head, what, four times? - had given me to Cerberus. She knew about Toombs and Akuze, Admiral Kahoku, and all the shit we'd uncovered while chasing Saren.
I came to the end of a platform and leaned into the guard rail, looking out over the low clouds that concealed the steamy surface. The physical memory of free fall washed over me, luring me with a promise of peace at the end. I didn't want to jump; it was just an impulse, like your fingers itching to pull an alarm even though you know you won't like the consequences.
I kept walking. The great irony was that I wouldn't even be there to be mad about it if Liara hadn't given me to Cerberus. I'd (mostly) convinced Jack to put aside her beef with Miranda on the grounds that the Lazarus project had brought us together; it seemed hypocritical to hold a grudge against Liara at the same time. But like so much lately, including the fact that I was still cooperating with Cerberus, there were layers to this.
I found a flight of stairs long enough and isolated enough that I could do sprints for a while: up and down, up and down, burning away feelings with exertion until my legs were on fire and I was gasping, even in Illium's thicker atmosphere. That happened faster than my gut said it should, a side effect of being laid out on a table for the better part of two years. The implants helped most with gross motor functions and short bursts of strength; when it came to endurance, I still lagged.
I got a message from Garrus part way through, but I waited until I'd caught my breath a little to read it.
Miranda went back to the ship, I'll be near Liara's office if you need me.
I glanced at the time. I hadn't noticed exactly when I'd stormed out, but I guessed about 45 minutes ago. I headed back to the trading floor. Garrus was hanging out at a table, as promised. He looked relieved to see me.
“You ok?”
“Better.” I jerked my head in the direction of Eternity. "Let's get a drink."
"Isn't it a little early for that?" he asked, though he'd gotten up to follow me.
"What's the Illusive Man gonna do, fire me?" There were some perks to being a 4-billion-credit woman.
Garrus snorted in agreement.
When we got to Eternity, Aethyta looked askance at my flushed face, sweat-spiked hair and damp clothes. "What the hell happened to you?"
"Just blowing off steam. Give me a Noverian rum, on the rocks."
Her expression intensified. She gave me the drink, alongside a big glass of water.
"Thanks." I took both, resisting the urge to add "mom."
Once Garrus got his Denorian beer, we found an isolated table. I downed a third of the water in one go before taking a sip of the liquor.
"How's Liara?" I did still care, apparently.
"About how you'd expect. You heard her: she knew you'd feel betrayed. And you know how much she hates for anybody to be mad at her. I guess she's gotten better about it, with this information broker gig. But not when it's you."
I sighed and took another drink. "What the hell, Garrus? Why am I so god damn special? I'm a good soldier but I'm not Joan of fucking Arc."
"Not what?"
"Human thing, never mind." I shook my head. "Anyway, would you really have given me to Cerberus?"
He considered it. "I don’t think so. Now that we know you came out ok, it's easy to say Liara did the right thing, but to trust Cerberus? With you? Maybe she understood the science of what they planned to do better than I would. As far as I ever knew, dead is dead."
"Yeah."
Miranda had been pretty transparent when I asked about the physical process, even given me some files showing the implants and major repairs they'd done. It was mostly technobabble to me, but I gathered that the neurological recovery was only possible due to my brain freezing in a way similar to a cryo stasis. We weren’t on the cusp of being able to resurrect people at will.
Garrus's gaze focused harder on me after a moment. "Do you wish you hadn't come back? Should I worry you're going to try to undo it?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Now you think to ask me that?"
His mandibles flexed with chagrin. "In my defense, when you showed up on Omega I was more worried about whether you were you than whether you planned to stay alive."
I tilted my head in concession. Aside from my surprise return, I'd barely recognized myself when I came out of the lab. I was so thin some of the implants were outlined under my skin, my hair had gone gray (which Miranda said was lower priority to fix since it didn't affect brain or body functions), and the bio-synthetic material was visibly holding parts of me together. I'd looked like an animated corpse.
"And then your face got blown up, that was a pretty big distraction."
His laugh wasn't followed by a wince anymore. "I just needed a convincing way to test your reactions."
I echoed the laugh, but sobered after a second. "Jack asked me if I was suicidal, too. I'm not self-destructive, but the will to live was pretty flimsy for a while. She helps."
"If you'd told me when we broke her out that that was going to happen…"
He held up a defensive hand when I glared. "No, no, you convinced me. As weird as it is, I can tell you've been more relaxed lately. I just thought your type was less bad girl and more…"
"Like Ashley?"
He shrugged.
We both drank quietly for a minute.
"Did you know Liara and l…" I floundered, searching for the right words. 'Tried to have sex because I was an idiot' was a mouthful.
"On the way to Ilos? I knew something happened between you, the way tension went up."
I snorted. "It makes even less sense, after I fucked that up. Did she hope I'd come back and fall madly in love with her out of gratitude?"
He didn't answer right away, staring off into space. "Grief makes us all do crazy things."
I figured he was thinking of his team and Sidonis. I couldn't argue with him.
I took another long gulp of water. "I'll forgive her, eventually. It's just - her, the Illusive Man, no one seems to care what it's like for me. They just want me to be… something. At least with the Illusive Man I have an idea what that is."
"I care," he offered. "Maybe we've all been afraid to ask. It's an awfully personal question: what's it like to die and come back?"
"Is that rhetorical or do you want to know?"
His gaze was steady. "If you want to tell me, I'm listening."
"I don't know." I sighed. I'd brought it up, but what was there to say? "It's probably no different than if I'd been in a coma. I didn't see any tunnels or bright lights. I think I remember everything, up to the point my oxygen blew out. That's when I knew I was gonna die. I was mostly relieved it wouldn't hurt much." I laughed darkly. "It was nothing compared to Akuze. When I smelled that thresher maw acid on Tuchanka, I forgot where I was for a while."
Garrus met my eyes for a second, then looked away as his mandibles tightened. "That's… I'm sorry."
I shook my head. I wasn't going to wallow. "We've all been through shit. Waking up was the hard part. If you really want to know, ask me about that when we're somewhere I can break things."