Work Text:
It was nearing 2 am, and the station looked near deserted, everyone either sleeping or on calls. Judd woke up and headed to the bathroom. After he intended to go back to sleep, but a powerful gut feeling had him head to the kitchen, where one faint light was still on.
Some action reports were neatly arranged on the table and a cup of coffee sat on the counter, already gone cold. On the adjacent seat sat his Captain. It was late, even by his standards, to work, so Judd came over to ask of everything was okay.
He approached from the front, knowing better than to spook the man with his touch. The captain might not have been officially diagnosed with PTSD like he was, but he’d experienced enough of his own to spot the signs, few and far between as they were with the captain, who shielded all his emotions with a mask of a smile and outgoing personality.
His eyes weren’t focused on the documents in front of him on the wooden surface, a thousand-yard stare betraying him.
⁃ Hey Cap, you good? - he asks softly
Owen seemed to not have heard him.
⁃ Hey, Cap, you with me? - this time a bit louder
⁃ Oh, hi Judd, what are you doing up?
⁃ Could ask you the same thing.
⁃ Well, I asked first, so there’s that - he smiles coyly
⁃ Takin' a leak, now answer me.
⁃ After action reports, turns out saving lives isn’t enough if the paperwork doesn’t stick - the man chuckles, cracking a small smile, all traces of his previous state gone from his face.
Whatever one could say about his Captain, everyone agreed that the man had an amazing poker face. And those who didn’t were the ones getting fooled. If he wanted to hide something, not even Paul could pick it up. Not if you didn’t know what you were looking for.
But Judd did know.
⁃ I call bullshit.
⁃ Oh believe me, it’s half the captain’s job, that damn paperwork - but don’t worry, you’ll have the pleasure of experiencing it yourself, soon enough.
⁃ When I came in here you weren’t doing the reports, now tell me what’s wrong. Is it about Gwen?
At the mention of his recently deceased ex-wife Owen seemed to deflate, smile disappearing from his face. He sighed softly and looked at the papers on the table, avoiding the piercing gaze of his friend.
⁃ It’s been, uh, difficult without her. She is- she was- TK’s mom. He misses her, so much. And, I know our relationship was complicated, massively so, but… I loved her, Judd... And I miss her. God, I don’t know what I’d have done without her. What I should do.
That last part gave Judd a pause.
Beneath his captain's obvius grief was something else.
Fear.
⁃ What do you mean what you should do?
Owen seemed to consider answering but gave up knowing Judd would find out, one way or another.
⁃ When we were supposed to drive to the airport for the funeral, I left TK with Carlos for a bit. Carlos must’ve left him by himself for a moment, because I found him here, in the back of an ambulance, taking all the bottles from the opioid compartment. He- If I hadn’t found him then he might have have overdosed again.
⁃ Jesus - said Judd, honestly having no response to that
⁃ I can’t stop thinking of the moment back when I found him, back in New York. He was lying on the floor. God, Judd, he was so pale, I thought - he was dead. If we were late just a few minutes with the Narcan, he’d - oh god. And this time, he could have done the same. I missed the signs, he could have…
His captain couldn’t finish the sentence. Owen put his head in his hands, trying and failing to regulate his breathing. A powerful tremor shook his shoulders.
Judd knew his captain dragged TK out of New York after his overdose, but before now he didn’t know he was the first responder on scene for the emergency.
He hadn’t spent much time with his son, Wyatt, having only recently met him, but he already knew he’d go crazy with worry if he’d have to resuscitate him after what seemed to have been a suicide attempt.
Judd moved to the seat next to Owen and enveloped the smaller man in a bear hug. A good few moments passed and he seemed to calm down enough to hear and comprehend what Judd wanted to say.
⁃ But you did find him. You love your boy and I know for a fact you’d do everything you can do to help him. And you’re not alone. You’ve got your family.
⁃ With Gwen gone it’s just me and TK.
⁃ I meant the 126. We’re here for you, always. And that means both of you, not just TK.
⁃ But what if next time I’m not fast enough? What if I can’t find him, help him?
⁃ We will. You’re not the only one who will look for your boy. You’ve got a full squad of badass firefighters and an extremely talented cop with you, every step of the way.
⁃ Yeah, Carlos is good for TK… I’m glad they found each other. It’s helped TK, a lot. It seems to give him purpose.
⁃ Yeah, well, love tends to do that.
Judd thinks of Grace and how many times he was close to losing his battle to PTSD, his wife, his knight in shining armour, saving him from succumbing to its nightmare. Owen smiles a little too, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
Judd looks Owen eye to eye. Now there were no more shields. He looks into the dark pit of raw, deep sadness.
It scared him.
⁃ You got anyone to talk to about it?
⁃ I’m talking about it right now.
⁃ I meant a therapist, a psychologist - a professional. Cause man, that’s deep stuff, the stuff we need help with. Wouldn’t wanna lose you to it, Cap.
⁃ You won’t lose me, I’ve dealt with till now, you only caught me in a moment of weakness.
⁃ When I said you shouldn’t suffer this alone, that didn’t make it through your thick skull, did it? Cap, face it, we all need help sometimes. You told me that on my first day back here. Let yourself be helped.
⁃ I… I’ll try.
⁃ Do or do not, Cap. If you don’t set an appointment tomorrow Grace will drag you by the ear, and trust me, all these fancy skincare and hair products in the world won’t stop ya from lookin’ like Dumbo in a firefightin’ helmet after she’s done with you.
Now that image gave Owen a pause.
⁃ Okay, I’ll do it tomorrow.
Judd got up and set the electric kettle, then poured two cups of lemon balm tea, remembering the lecture on its calming properties Paul and Owen had excitedly given the rest of the squad a just few days ago.
Owen held the cup in his hands, letting the familiar warmth seep into his hands. He seemed deep in thought. A few minutes later he looked up at his friend.
⁃ Thank you, Judd. Truly.
⁃ No problem. You’d have done the same for me.
They sat a while longer in the comfortable silence, until both of them felt tired enough to go back to sleep.
Paperwork could always be done later.