Chapter Text
He was ok.
Her heart thundered in her chest, her breathing shaky, mouth completely dry.
He was ok.
Riley watched Mac in a daze, exchange smiles and hugs with everyone, Bozer pulling something out of his pocket and giving it to him, something like relief in his face.
She truly wanted to be in the moment, to take in the fact that he was ok, silently begging the horrible weight in her chest to leave but she couldn’t register anything. Her ears rang hollow, her brain repeating the past hour in slow, painful precision. Her aching fists pounding in the glass, begging them to get him out, her throat raw from screaming and pleading for him to react, Mac’s body convulsing until…
Nothing. The heart monitor flatlined, the grating sound exploding in her ears. The world stopped. It all lasted but a minute. But for her, it was all it took to shatter her walls and her soul completely and beyond repair.
Because, in those minutes, she came to the horrible, despairing realization she’d kept hidden in the ugly, dark crevices of her mind. The one place that, given the chance to come to light, would break her.
Her hands shook, her eyes stinging with barely restrained tears as she kept looking at him, her heart pounding so hard, she wanted to scream.
No.
No.
She loved him.
She loved him so much, she didn’t think she would ever love someone the same way ever again. And yet the last time she’d loved someone that much, he ended up in ashes, his body never to be lain in a casket. Never to come home.
All she was left with was loneliness, bereft and lost all over again in her pain, sobbing and devastated whilst finding the pieces and the strength to mend her broken heart. So, in those sorrowful moments, she had vowed never to feel that way again. She would rather die than ever having the possibility of loving someone that much. To give her heart away to someone who might die along with it was not an option anymore.
They all leave and they all die and all you’ll be left with is the same battered and bruised heart.
Desi hugged him then, her face glowing with happiness and love, his with relief. Riley knew then, she wanted out. She needed to leave.
If she didn’t, she didn’t know how she would react. Falling apart completely? Jury was still out on that one. Riley fisted her hands, pure stubborn determination mingled with grief coursing through her veins.
She meant to keep her vow. Even if it meant destroying herself in the process. Even if it meant her sanity went to hell. Even if the stars in the sky would shine less because he wasn’t around. At least she’d get to keep her heart in one piece.
Mac looked at her then and she almost swore she could feel her heart fracture in two.
She tried for a reassuring smile, hoping her overwhelming feelings of grieflosslove didn’t slip through.
His blue eyes softened, the corners of his mouth lifting and all she could was nod.
She could live with the distance. She would learn how to live with it. No matter what.
And yet, even as his gaze left her eyes, she had a feeling her heart would not remain whole.
Not ever again.
i’m sorry.