Chapter Text
Edwin had been living with his roommate Charles since their first day in Freshers. As he sat down in their almost-broken armchair and stared across the room at said roommate, he realised that it had been exactly 600 days since they met and moved in. And that it had been 599 (and a half) days since he had fallen in love with Charles. It was a secret that was slowly breaking him. It didn’t help that along with being adorable, funny, kind and hot (beyond words, it really should not be allowed) Charles was also completely oblivious to the pull he had over Edwin. Because, on the day they had met, Edwin had fallen head over heels in love and Charles had instantaneously decided that Edwin was the best friend he’d always needed. Charles loved Edwin, and Edwin knew it. But Charles did not love Edwin in the way Edwin desperately craved to be loved.
It did not help, either, that Charles was a massive slut. He was beautiful and he knew it, and everyone else knew it, and he was 21 and in his third year at university and he wanted to have all the fun he could have. He pulled girls, boys, and everyone in between- he was openly and brazenly “the queerest thing since sliced bread” (as he put it) and it seemed everyone had a chance, except for Edwin. Edwin was the one he came back to, after the clubs had closed and the fun had been had with the person of the moment. Then Charles stumbled home and straight into Edwin’s bed (which he knew would always be open for him) and cuddled up to him, giggling and sharing stories. Wrapping his arms around the sleeping Edwin and planting a kiss into his hair. Those moments were the ones Edwin lived for, that gave him hope.
But right now was not one of those moments. Right now, was in the middle of a house party that Charles had begged him to have (“please, Eds. It’ll be totally brills, you know it”) with people spilling their drinks on his carpet, music being far too loud and, worst of all, a new girl curled up in Charles’ lap, their lips entwined and their hands all over each other. Right now, Edwin decided that getting very, very drunk was the only way to get through this.
Drunk was not something Edwin did, that was something Charles did. Edwin was the sensible one, the one who always wore buttoned up shirts and was no good with people. He was the brains, and took his studies very seriously. Both boys were studying criminology (causing Charles to introduce them as “the gay boy detectives” to anyone and everyone they met) but Edwin took his studies somewhat more seriously than his best friend. Edwin spent all of his free time in the library, working on his assignments, when Charles rocked up late to lectures, often a bit hungover. Annoyingly, he still managed to ace every test and could pull out an amazing essay by writing through the night powered only by coffee and Edwin’s company. He was just frustratingly good at everything, Edwin thought as he took another drink.
After the third very large vodka he started to notice the unfamiliar way the room swung back and forwards, as if it was rotating around him and Charles. He suddenly thought that he might be sick, and wondered vaguely if Charles would look after him if he did. He thought he probably would, Charles did always say he loved him. He just wasn’t in love with him. Edwin lurched forwards towards where Charles sat, but Charles didn’t even look up. It was like he was invisible, unseen by the only person who mattered to him. Suddenly, he couldn’t stand being in the same room, or the same building as the boy who held his heart. He lurched towards the door and knocked the lamp next to it over as he went. He pulled the door open and stepped out, leaning heavily on the wall as he closed his eyes, caught his breath, and tried not to throw up or cry.
“Hey, Eds?” A familiar voice came out of the door after him. “What are you doing?”
Edwin opened his eyes and saw Charles right in front of him, a worried look on his face. Edwin groaned.
“I. am. Going. Out.” He enunciated clearly, trying to resist slurring his words.
“Oh my god, mate. Are you drunk?” He sounded somewhere between amused and concerned.
“No, I’mnot. I’m going out. Going to find someone.” Edwin swayed slightly as he spoke.
“Who are you going to find?” Charles asked quietly, taking his friend’s hand and stroking his thumb gently over his knuckles.
“Find someone who wants me. Someone to get some experience with. Because I’ve never… do you know that? Have I told you?” He rambled as he stared into Charles’ warm gaze.
“I don’t think you have told me, no. But plenty of time to do that.” Charles smiled sweetly as he pulled Edwin back towards their door. “But you’re not going anywhere tonight, apart from to bed. C’mon.”
“You taking me to bed?” Edwin giggled as he followed him willingly.
“Of course.” Charles flashed him that bright smile, the one that makes everyone swoon.
“But I thought you were busy, kissing what’s-her-name.”
“Nah, not if you need me, mate.” Edwin felt his heart lurch in a way that had nothing to do with the vodka and everything to do with the sweet words and firm pressure of Charles’ hand in his. God, he was entirely fucked.
“Morning, sexy.” Came Charles' all-too-perky voice early the next morning. Edwin opened his eyes, was confronted by blinding sunlight, a throat that tasted like the worst tasting sandpaper of all time and a banging behind his eyelids that wouldn’t go away.
“Oh god. Go away and leave me to die.” Edwin complained as he pulled the duvet over his head and groaned.
“And miss the chance to make your life miserable? Absolutely not.” Charles giggled as he wriggled into bed beside Edwin and pulled him close in an all-too-familiar and all-too-heartbreaking hug. “I’ve brought you water and paracetamol and chocolate. It’ll sort you out in no time.” Edwin muttered in annoyance but took the aforementioned items anyway.
He leaned back into Charles’ embrace, the other boy pushing his body flushed against him as he spooned him gently. Charles dropped a small kiss onto Edwin’s temple and Edwin winced. He wished this wasn’t just how Charles was, he wished it meant something. Or he wished he didn’t want it to mean any more than it did.
“So, do you remember much from last night?” Charles asked kindly and Edwin felt his stomach contract. This is why he didn’t drink. He remembered being insanely jealous, lurching around, threatening to go and… Oh god. What a fool he’d been.
“Yes, painfully aware of all of it.” Edwin stiffened as he spoke, trying to put some distance between him and his best friend. But Charles held on with a viper’s grip and refused to let Edwin move an inch.
“Right, do you want to talk about it?” Charles asked and Edwin shook his head. “Okay. I’ll just talk to you then. I don’t know what made you decided to get drunk, and obviously you can get drunk if you want to, but you’re my best mate and I don’t want you getting yourself in a situation. I know you also said about wanting to find someone to get experience with, and I didn’t like the idea of that.” Edwin sucked in his breath quickly, heart racing. “There are all sorts of creeps out there, and people aren’t always safe when they fuck around, and I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you.” He spoke all these words close to Edwin’s ear, arms tight around him. “So, I was thinking. If it’s experience you want, you could get it with me.”
“What?!” Edwin yelped, sitting up quickly, then being hit by a wave of nausea and a dizzy shifting of the room that could be a hangover, or could be the words he’d just heard.
“Shhh.” Charles smiled and put his arm out to pull Edwin back onto the bed, but facing him this time. Their faces inches apart. “I just thought it would be a good deal for both of us. You get experience, I get to know you’re safe. But if you don’t want to, just let me know.” Charles reached across and brushed away a curl that had fallen in Edwin’s face.
“I can’t.” Edwin whispered, and cursed himself as he did. He couldn’t believe he was giving up the opportunity to fool around with Charles. What was wrong with him?
“Oh, ok.” Charles’ smile faltered and his hand froze where it was.
“I just can’t.” Edwin repeated, he closed his eyes. “I love you.”
“Love you too.” Edwin could hear the smile in his voice and knew he hadn’t understood, not what he really meant.
“As more than a friend, I’m afraid.” He elaborated and gingerly opened his eyes, terrified of what reaction he might see. He saw a coating of shock but, underneath it all, that same warmth and love that was always there.
“Oh. Well… I can’t say that I’m, like, in love with you back but you’re my best mate. There’s no one else in the world I’d say that about, no one else I want to spend every day with. And, y’know, we’re only 21. We’ve got literally the rest of our lives to figure the rest out.” Charles grinned and pulled him close, resting his chin on the other boy’s shoulder. “So, where do we start with this whole experience thing?” Edwin pulled away and Charles raised an eyebrow suggestively.
“You can’t… You can’t still be serious?”
“Why not? I know I don’t love you like that, but neither would anyone else you found to fool around with, right? So why not me?”
Why not me? Why not him? Because, maybe, once he knew what it felt like to kiss Charles, kissing would be ruined for anyone else. Because if he got to touch Charles he’d hate anyone else who ever touched Charles. Because being with him was addictive enough without the physical touch he craved thrown into the mix. Because if Charles was his first, he’d want him to be last and his only. Because I’ve just said I’m in love with you, it isn’t fair that you offer this.
“Why not?” Edwin grinned, feeling almost hysterical. He was beyond fucked now. He’d already jumped, might as well enjoy the fall.
“So where do we start? What’s the first experience you want?” He raised his eyebrow suggestively. And, that’s just not fair. How does he look so good?
“Kissing.” Edwin said, blushing deeply to the roots of his hair.
“Kissing?” Charles repeated, startled. “You mean you’ve never…?”
“No.” Edwin said quickly. “Well, there was one boy. But I was talking about my feelings for… someone else. And he got confused, and it was only a peck, really. So, I don’t count it, not properly.”
“I get that.” Charles nodded. “But how does a boy as fit as you manage to get to this age without having a snog?”
“Well, my family was really conservative.” Edwin blushed. Trying to keep talking and file away “Charles called me fit” under something to think about later. Extensively. “Really religious. Strict. They wouldn’t have taken well to the whole…. The whole gay thing. And being at boarding school where everything from taking Geography to wearing pajamas is deemed ‘gay’ in the derogatory way, makes it not all that easy to convince anyone to be actually gay with you. There was one boy, who I thought maybe…. But he just bullied me instead.”
“That sucks, mate.” Charles grimaced. “And I completely understand. Well, you know what it was like for me, before I left home, with my dad being what he was…” Charles trailed off. Edwin did know. Charles had spent many nights curled up with him, afraid to sleep because of what he would remember. Edwin had never felt hatred so strong as what he felt coursing through his body when Charles talked about the man he had the misfortune of calling father.
“I know. Good job we’re both out of there now, right?” Edwin smiled fondly at him.
“Too right. And I promise I’ll make your first proper kiss totally brills.” He leaned forwards and Edwin panicked, utterly terrified he was going to do it right there and then.
“Not right now, though.” He spluttered as he pulled away. “I’m not… I’m not ready, quite yet. Can we do it later? And I think maybe we might need some rules first?”
“Oh God, what have I got myself into?” Charles laughed as he fell back onto the bed, pulling Edwin down onto his chest.
And what have I got myself into?