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It hurt all over. In his body. In his soul.
When he awakened, there was buzzing in his mind, ringing in his ears. Allen felt like his heart was galloping at a staggering speed. He was going to be sick.
In the end, it had been false, all of it.
His vague memories about being abandoned as a child, sold to a circus because no one needed him, no one loved him. His memories of Mana's death. Of beating Cosimo to death in order to protect Mana. The mask he swore to wear, just for Mana to be content. His many travels with Mana. The fact that he sometimes couldn't tell whether Mana had died peacefully, or in a gruesome carriage crash. Fake. All fake.
To think he'd come to base his entire existence upon those memories, unable to further question them without feeling faint or in pain.
And it was all because of him. Because of that monster in human skin. Apocryphos .
Just the thought of his name made Allen's stomach turn. He thought back to the uneasy feeling he'd gotten back when Apocryphos decided to show himself to him at the Order. That nagging feeling that something was terribly, terribly wrong, yet at the time he wasn't sure what it was.
Now he knew. And feeling his forgotten past catch up to him filled him with dread. Dread over the realization that he'd been robbed - of the awareness of having had friends, someone to look out for, someone to protect. Of having had people doing the same for him in return. He'd been robbed of the things that made him who he was, of his humanity, of his purpose. His true purpose.
His body didn't feel like his own - he felt like a chimera of sorts, bound to a parasite that had devoured his essence and that of his best friend and protector.
Allen felt surges of heat coursing through him, along with a tremor he couldn't quite quench. Was it panic? Was it anger? He didn't know for sure.
He remembered Lavi - no, that was not his name, but to Allen, he would always be Lavi . He remembered the way they met, and the stories they shared. About themselves, about their mutual quest that was protecting Nea. He remembered Lavi's eyes - brimming with mischief just like his smile was. Lavi laughing upon finding out that Allen didn't really know Nea, but followed in his footsteps anyway. Lavi explaining to him that he was going to be Nea's host initially, because he couldn't stay still, he couldn't remain impartial, knowing all that he did. Lavi and him traveling together for years upon years, seeing one another grow.
And now, that Lavi was no more. Well, not physically, at least.
Allen combed a hand through his hair - a hair that he knew all too well was no longer chestnut, but took on a shade of silver that was so similar to Lavi's own. He remembered their last embrace - how terrified he had felt while being erased, the feeling of being pushed into a dark, endless void as he was splitting into atoms. Lavi was there, embracing him down this new path. Throwing his arms around his neck without a second thought.
He watched Lavi disappear with him - and then it all went black.
"You won't be able to find any trace of the previous Junior," Allen said, surprising himself with how grave his voice sounded even as he choked for a second, trying to hold himself back from saying Lavi's name.
"Are you okay, Allen?!" Johnny asked, practically jumping towards him, color barely returning to his face. He must have worried both Johnny and Link, as the latter soon joined in, a sober look plastered on his face.
"You scared us to death, Walker," he added. But Allen felt his heart jump in his throat at the sound of that name.
Yes, he was aware that everyone at the Order knew him by the name Allen Walker . For a long time, he identified with it himself, in his desperate search for an identity. But now it brought a bitter taste to his tongue, that name. It was a reminder of all that had been stripped away from him, it reminded him of the impostor Apocryphos had made of him.
"Allen. Just Allen," he corrected, letting a faint smile touch his lips as he met Link's gaze. "Allen Walker doesn't exist anymore. He never existed to begin with."
He saw Johnny taking a step back, horror slowly replacing the hints of joy on his face - the sheer joy of seeing him alive, Allen realized. Even Link regarded him with a certain amount of uneasiness.
"No, no, it's okay, both of you!" he added in a rush, trying to sound reassuring. "It's okay, I'm still me. It's just that..."
"We know there is no trace of Junior," the Master interrupted. "We searched, and searched all this time. That part of information has already been dealt with, years ago. What we care for is-"
"I-... I think he got merged into me. Junior, I mean. This is why you could never find him. He didn't die protecting me as you assumed. But he likely got merged into my left arm. Into Crowned Clown, when it attached itself to me. Because he jumped right in as I was disintegrating. He told me that it was not the end. That the journey would continue. But when I came to, I no longer had any recollection of whatever it was that the journey implied. And he was not around to remind me."
As he spoke, the room fell silent. There was a tremor in his voice that came and went away as it pleased, but Allen forced himself to keep going.
He couldn't accept this injustice. He had had a life before this one. He was human before, he reminded himself. A human, a soldier. Not an accommodator, nor a host. And Nea hadn't lied to him to get him to surrender. Allen had indeed given himself over. Willingly. But he hadn't done that in Apocryphos's case.
One glance at Johnny and Link told Allen just how shocking this reveal must be to them. He couldn't blame them. He felt what they felt tenfold. But at least now he no longer perceived himself as fake. For the first time in years, he had found something real to cling to.
"Merged into you..." Lucia echoed, her composure wavering for only a second. "So that's why your hair is now silver, like that person's."
Allen nodded, and his eyes landed on Crowned Clown. He remembered how alien it looked, how monstrous, as it sunk into his arm. Or well, into the place where his arm was supposed to be. Before Apocryphos ripped it off.
No good. If these thoughts didn't stop soon, he really thought he was about to throw up.
But then he also remembered the number of times Crowned Clown had protected him, even keeping him alive when Tyki tried to kill him. He remembered that monstrous arm being destroyed, and the Innocence that made it obliterated.
What if the one to protect him then was not the innocence that Apocryphos spawned that night, but his friend, who was now a part of him? If he called upon Lavi, would he respond?
"So, what now? He can force synchronization, he can de-synchronise at will, can bend memories, and he can even merge two people together?"
"And regress their ages," Allen supplied Link. "I remember how he said he'd consume my very essence until there was nothing left."
"You were forced down this path..." Johnny dared to join in, a shudder coursing through him. "Why? That is vile. Not to mention terrifying. You weren't even with the Black Order then!"
"Because I was Nea's host. Apocryphos's goal has always been to find Nea and destroy him. And I... foolishly believed at some point that maybe it would have been better if I let him do that."
"What was it? Between you and Nea." inquired Link.
At that, Allen hesitated. It felt funny, really. Being met with the same question all over again. And even after all these years, it wasn't like the situation had changed.
"To be fair, we'd only just met. I didn't get a chance to know him personally before it all went downhill. But I was a dying man with a wish - and Nea changed that. So, in turn, I wanted to save him like he had saved me."
"Quite the eccentric appearance then?"
"Yes," Allen answered immediately. He found himself smiling at the newfound memory, grasping it so tightly, as if he were afraid it could wander off again if he didn't.
"So, you somehow have both Junior and Nea, and this innocence with you? That's what you're implying?" came the Master's voice, now laced with a tint of fascination more than anything.
Allen met his gaze, keeping his smile in place. Yes , his eyes seemed to say, even as he didn't part his lips to speak the word out loud. Because he'd finally made sense of it. Of the sides that were at odds inside of him for so long.
"Thank you," he said to Lucia, startling her out of her thoughts. "It scared me, the possibility that I would have to really die in order to regain these memories. But in the end, I'm glad I took the chance. It was the first choice that actually felt like my own, and not something imposed on me by others. What I gained today is priceless, and in exchange for this, I will help you with whatever else you may need for your records in the future."
"Excellent!" interjected the Master. Now, then. We shall first take good care of the information you provided us with, Master Host. Afterwards, you may join us as we navigate the topic of the Campbell mansion.
Someone might have been smiling just then, along with him. Someone not a soul in the room could see, but whom Allen could feel. Deep in his mind, there was a rustle of sorts. Like a whisper, a call. "Do you want to talk?" it seemed to say. And Allen did. Allen really did.
As the two members of the Bookman clan prepared to guide Allen to a different room, Johnny and Link approached him again, a whole bunch of curious questions ready to be unleashed, no doubt. But the urgency in his mind only increased.
He was getting impatient.
"Um. Do you happen to have a mirror anywhere?" The question fell from Allen's lips, stopping everyone in their tracks. "I need to check in with a certain someone, if that's okay with you."
"A mirror?" Link asked, narrowing his eyes at Allen. "Is that how he contacted you last time? Nea?"
"You want to speak to Nea? Isn't that..."
"It's okay, Johnny. He said he'd give me as much time as I need to figure things out. He won't do anything unless I will it. And yes," Allen added, turning to Link. "This is how we spoke last time. It's how he told me of the possibility of being remade."
"But now you figured stuff out!" said Johnny, and Allen could tell that he was still worried. "Do you plan on giving in to him, Allen? Also, can he hear us, too?"
"Calm down, Gill. Walker- uh... Allen still has things to do. We will be heading out shortly.
Allen silently thanked Link for the intervention, although he also felt sad about Johnny. He’d been on edge ever since they arrived at the shop, and Allen wasn't really helping him relax.
While his protests might have stopped, Johnny's gaze remained on Allen, unease still painted all over his face. He watched as Allen followed the Master and Lucia to a room that looked like some kind of a storage.
Indeed, there were plenty of old mirrors for Allen to choose from. For a split second, he even thought about using the Ark, but then changed his mind, unsure of how the others might react if they were to find him wandering about in search for Nea's room. He didn't regret leaving the Ark for Komui and the others to explore and use - but he had a heavy heart over the thought of some of its users being certain of the fact that he was a traitor.
He let out a sigh that felt too long to be comfortable, then turned to face everyone. "Thank you. Now if you don't mind, I would like to do this alone. I promise I won't be long."
"Of course, Master Host. Call for us whenever you're ready," said Lucia.
As everyone filtered out of the room, Johnny and Link turned in unison, whispering to Allen to be careful. He smiled in response, attempting to reassure both of them once more that everything was fine.
Once he was alone, however, any trace of that smile vanished, making room for a series of complicated emotions to appear on his face. Allen took one deep breath in, then let it out. He took another. Let it out again. Then, he made his way towards the tallest antique mirror he could see, and called out.
" Nea ," he tried first, his voice barely above a whisper. Then, louder. "Nea, come out, won't you?"
"You came," he heard Nea say back to him. A moment later, he materialized, greeting Allen with the same friendly, yet enigmatic smile as last time.
"You wanted to see me." He met Nea's gaze with his own, silver and gold clashing with each other. In those silver eyes burned a single request. "Forgive me, Nea. Forgive me ," he repeated, as if saying it once was not enough. "I feared you. I doubted you. I even-"
Allen stopped himself before he could let out such an atrocity, but to his utter surprise, Nea nodded for him to go on.
"I... even wanted you to just not be here anymore. Because I couldn't understand why. Why did I have to be the host of someone I didn't know? Why did I have to disappear for someone I couldn't even begin to trust to take my place? Why throw my life away when I hadn't even lived yet?"
Nea was unusually patient as he listened, even allowing a small nod every now and then. But the more words he let out, the more horrified Allen felt. "And yet, it was all a lie. A lie I'd been fed. Yet another piece of a fake puzzle that was my new life. I was never supposed to fear you."
"No. No, you were not," Nea replied simply.
Remembering that earnest gaze he had felt so drawn to all those years back, Allen swore he could cry. "You were my choice. You were my decision." He took small steps to bridge the distance between the two of them, but the bridge still felt like it was rotten in the middle, leaving a rift for Allen to pass.
"You saw them too? All the things that happened to me. To Lavi." Then, softer, as if to himself, he added, "Please tell me you did."
"I saw," Nea confirmed, and Allen's heart skipped a beat. "You both kept your side of the promise. As long as you could before he found you, anyway."
"I didn't mean to... betray you, Nea. I never wanted you to feel betrayed."
"But it didn't depend on you. There were some other forces at play. I know that for sure now. Upon meeting this new you, I had started to consider you my enemy. Looking at you now, I can tell that you are far from that."
It was quiet for a long time, as Allen pressed his forehead to the mirror, met with the cold touch of glass. He winced, but didn't pull back.
"He tried to take you from me. He took my entire life from me, and made it into something of his liking."
"He did," Nea replied.
"He even messed with Lavi's life! He left me to die! He put people against me! Random people, who had no business hating me!"
"He did," came the same simple response, but Allen could tell that Nea was more or less fuming. The air around them had soon become charged with nervous tension.
"Whenever I tried to remember you, I would feel like fainting. Like you were the virus that plagued me, not him. And then he pushed me to ruin Mana! Mana, who was looking for you! Mana, who was so excited to find you, even in his curious state!"
It took all of Allen's might not to shout at the top of his lungs. "I hit him, Nea. I hit him countless times, under the illusion of hitting somebody else. And because of that, he-"
"Allen. I know."
But Allen couldn't just stop once he started. It was like a volcano of feelings erupting out of him. It burned through his frame, scorching hot. How dare he? How dare Apocryphos put him through so much, without even a hint of remorse? And it's the fact that he went after his friends too, that pushed Allen over his limit. He went after Kanda, after Timcanpy. After Tyki and Road. After Cross, twisted in his ways as he was. All under the guise of protecting him? The only thing that he will ever need protection from is Apocryphos himself.
"Can I... reach you, Nea?" he finally asked, stuffing back the boiling anger. "I feel like it would help."
"Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."
For the beat of a moment, Nea regarded him quizzically, trying to decide the best course of action. "I might just snatch your body away from you if you do that, you know."
"But you won't," Allen countered. "You aren't the type to go back on your word. You promised you'd give me time, and I trust that you will. So stop playing the villain with me when I'm trying to show you that we are on the same page. Your eyes told me a different story back when we met."
A chuckle. "Bold. I missed that, I must admit. Alright then," Nea said with a resigned sigh. "You win, Allen. Lay down."
Although the room felt a bit cramped, Allen did like he was instructed. And when Nea told him to close his eyes, he did. When Nea asked him to breathe in and out, he did. When Nea asked him to relax, he complied, in spite of his quickening heartbeat. And finally, when Nea said he'd pull him under, so he should trust him and not resist, Allen did just that.
"You can open your eyes now," he eventually heard Nea say. Only this time it felt closer. That hauntingly beautiful voice was no longer just an echo from the depths of his mind. It was real. It came from something tangible.ă
When he cracked his eyes open, much to his relief, Allen discovered that there were no heavy, clattering chains binding him. And Nea wasn't looking down at him either. They were at eye level, much like it was when they faced each other in the mirror earlier.
Without thinking, Allen reached out to place a hand on Nea's face - just to prove himself that this was all real. Nea's eyes widened slightly at the contact, and he had all the space in the world to pull away from Allen if he wanted to.
He didn't.
When Nea smiled and it reached his eyes, Allen felt his knees grow weak. It must have been the first time he looked into those bright golden pools of gold up close. They shone, Allen remarked, only to himself. They shone much like the wheat dancing in the sun.
"How could I ever doubt you?" he found himself asking. "How, when you look at me the same way you did back then? With the gaze of someone who wants to make a lasting change. How could I ever not trust you, even as you gained my trust on the spot?"
It was Nea who brought them closer this time, when he brought Allen's forehead to his. "Allen," he whispered, and it was like fire emanating from him, as opposed to the coldness of the mirror, " My Allen . Welcome back home."
They hadn't known each other well before Nea's death, Allen was aware. Yet somehow, right then and there, Nea regarded him as if they were lifelong friends. He didn't explicitly say it out loud, but Allen felt it in everything else Nea did.
Lavi's words rushed back to him then, as clear as he had heard them the first time around. "Nea has a difficult personality, so it's not easy for him to call anyone his friend," he'd said, right after mentioning that he believed himself to be Nea's friend.
"Nea, what will we do?"
"What's the matter?"
"You were right that I was remade," Allen said, a tint of worry entering his voice. "But in this case, isn't my body a threat to you? The very vessel that I provided for you might end up bringing you to your death for good. And I don't like that."
"Maybe yes, maybe not. Maybe we both stand a chance, given the circumstances." Nea's gaze lowered to Allen's left arm, where Crowned Clown remained blissfully silent. The innocence didn't seem to mind that they were together.
"Do you also think..."
"If part of Lavi is still somewhere deep inside that innocence of yours, although the first instinct of any innocence is to harm the Noah, he might be able to hold it back."
Allen fell silent, trying to gauge the possibility of things happening as Nea predicted. Crowned Clown has indeed been exceptionally protective of him, even recently, when other innocence might have turned its back on him for "betraying" the Order and running off with the Noahs.
Even as he had thoughts of Apocryphos being disgusting and vile and a danger, sometimes even saying them out loud, his innocence didn't punish him like Suman's had done to its host, parasite types as they both were. Before today, Allen had thought he was just lucky, or maybe Apocryphos was just too obsessed with the whole merging idea to let him go.
But with Lavi as a part of his innocence, things would fall into place much better.
"I remember my innocence being destroyed once," he told Nea. "It was right before you started to wake up. Tyki ripped off my arm and destroyed it, leaving behind only the innocence in its basic form. And then, I remember, he shattered it, and killed me. But it never disappeared. Something held it together, and in doing so, held me together."
"I was close to activating it once, too."
"Wait, what?! Really?"
To say that Allen was surprised to hear about this development would be an understatement. But incredible as that was, Nea nodded. "It was supposed to destroy me on the spot, and yet, the only thing it did was to call you back."
"But I don't get it. It also harmed Tyki and I both, and sent you and his Noah on a rampage. Lavi couldn't have allowed that."
"It seems to me that while Lavi is in there, he might not always be in control of what Crowned Clown is doing. What is your relationship to Joyd's host?"
Allen had to pause for a bit, confused by Nea's question until he realized that by "Joyd's host" he must have been referring to Tyki.
"We're friends," he said, finally, to which Nea couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. "I know what you think. I must not really understand the meaning of the word 'friend' if I attribute it to the one person who almost managed to kill me. But to me, Tyki is Tyki. He's that guy who plays poker and cheats like it's a sport, a bit chaotic and with strange morals, who also grew to have a great deal of respect for me after our last fight. And he's been on my trail ever since the Order incident happened."
" That , I noticed," came Nea's deadpan reply, and he might have rolled his eyes as well, but it was too quick for Allen to be sure. "But what was your relationship to him at the time he got harmed by Clown?"
"I don't know. I had just found out that he was the same guy I'd played Poker with on the train, and I was attached to his human side, while dreading his Noah's impulses. I remember wanting to save him, to set him free of... of Joyd, and of his mission."
"But Innocence doesn't do that. It doesn't really save anyone. Especially not someone who is bound to a Noah. Akuma are the only beings it sets free. Yours might be more permissive thanks to the merge, though. As long as you aren't feeling in danger."
Allen found himself thinking back to Tyki's words. To the time when he mentioned the Innocence being corrupted. How right he had been to say that. The next time they met, no matter when that happened, Allen made a mental note to have a proper talk to Tyki about it all.
"Go to that mansion, Allen. Go, and piece the rest of the puzzle together. We can meet again afterwards."
Allen quietly agreed, shaken out of his train of thought. But even as he knew it was time to leave, something in his chest burned, urging him to linger close to Nea. After all, this was the first time in the last 35 years when they met and actually saw eye to eye.
Deep down, Allen was surprised to realize that he wished for more such moments, in spite of being Nea's host.
"Will you be my guide, Nea?" he asked one last question, before turning on his heels to leave.
"Every step of the way."
And, by the look in those eyes, Allen knew for sure, it was no lie.