Chapter Text
“Don’t ever stop making your own music, Kanade.”
Kanade woke up with a jolt. She could still hear her father’s words clearly in her mind. These dreams happened frequently. Sometimes she would remember what happened, and other times there would only be a feeling of unease left in her chest. The guilt was always there, no matter what she did, or tried to do. It was always lurking just beneath the surface, waiting to spill out of her fragile heart. Then again, wasn’t that what she deserved?
There was a sudden boom of thunder outside of her window, and Kanade flinched for a moment. The sky was filled with grey clouds; it would rain soon. It didn’t even seem that early anymore and Kanade glanced at her alarm clock that was sitting on the edge of her cluttered desk due to the overwhelming pile of music sheets that took up a majority of the space. 11:12 a.m.
It was almost noon and Honami would be coming over soon. She had to quickly prepare herself. After all, she didn’t want her housekeeper to fuss over her again just because she didn’t eat breakfast.
Kanade got out of her bed and walked towards the kitchen, every muscle aching and protesting against the movement. She quickly grabbed a cup of ramen from the shelf and heated it up.
As Kanade waited for it to finish, she looked around. The house was empty. It had been like that ever since her father collapsed 10 years ago. He was still in the hospital, and he still couldn’t remember who she was. When he started remembering things from before she was born, Kanade had hoped that he would eventually remember her. However, years had passed, and nothing changed. He was still living in the past. It was all her fault.
The doorbell suddenly rang, distracting Kanade. She shuffled towards the door as she fumbled for her keys. When she opened the door, she was greeted by the smiling face of Honami. She was carrying a bag of groceries in her hand and her face brightened when she saw Kanade.
“Kanade, I’m here for the usual cleaning,” she greeted the composer cheerfully. Faced by such enthusiasm, Kanade couldn’t stop her own small smile. “Ah, right,” Kanade replied as she moved away from the door to let Honami in.
“Sorry, it’s a bit messy. I just woke up,” Kanade apologised sheepishly. Honami let out a light laugh and joked teasingly, “It looks the same to me, Kanade.”
“Yeah, I guess it does…” Kanade trailed off just as the microwave gave a loud “beep”, signalling that the ramen was done.
“Oh, were you making something?” Honami asked curiously as she placed the groceries down on the tea table.
“Just the usual ramen…” Kanade mumbled as she carefully took out the cup of ramen, knowing that Honami would disapprove. As expected, Honami frowned when she heard that.
“You really shouldn’t only eat cup ramen Kanade! It’s not good for your health.
Honami berated her as she watched Kanade slurp away at her noodles. Kanade nodded and threw the cup away once she had finished it. They had this conversation every time Honami came. It always ended the same way.
“I’ll make you a proper lunch, okay?” Kanade nodded but it wasn’t like she had a choice; Honami never allowed her to decline, and she didn’t want to either. Although she didn’t deserve such kindness.
While Honami started to prepare the ingredients, Kanade silently returned to her room and closed the door.
She switched on her computer and looked through a couple of her music sheets. Her room was a mess, making it difficult to find anything, so Kanade had switched to saving all of her music scores digitally. She also had them saved on a hard drive, just in case something happened to her computer. Some of the physical music sheets were from back when she had first started composing, and the rest were her dad’s. She could feel the bile rising up again.
Kanade swallowed it down as she wore her headphones and looked at her screen. The first thing she always did was check her channel. There were always some comments from viewers about how her songs had saved them. It always motivated her, knowing that her songs were able to save someone.
There were a few new comments. One of them came from a viewer who always commented on her songs every time she uploaded a new piece.
Amia: Another great piece! Love it!
Kanade smiled as she read the comment. Amia’s comments were always uplifting and the person behind the screen also seemed to be happy. Kanade didn’t know why such a person was listening to her songs, but everyone had their problems. She was not one to pry.
K: Thank you for your support Amia :)
Kanade sent the reply and opened her composing app. She was greeted by an unfinished melody, one that she had not managed to finish for days. It was the first time that she had been stuck on a song for so long.
Usually she would be able to draw inspiration from some of her parents’ belongings, or old family photographs. Even going outside for a walk was sometimes enough for her. However, no matter what she tried, nothing seemed to work. She simply couldn’t continue the melody. Kanade started shifting notes around, adding more instruments, removing some of them. She tried, over and over, again and again.
…
A sudden knock on the door broke Kanade’s concentration as Honami walked in. “Sorry for interrupting you Kanade, I wanted to tell you that I finished cleaning the house and that the food is ready,” Honami apologised. Kanade shook her head as she took off her headphones. “It’s fine, Honami.”
Honami glanced at Kanade’s screen. She walked closer and asked curiously, “Are you making a new song?”
“Oh…yes. Do you want to listen to it?” Kanade offered her headphones to her and Honami accepted them, listening to the song.
Kanade waited anxiously for Honami to finish listening. While Honami had listened to her songs before and knew what to expect, she was always worried whenever she had others listen to them. Fearing their criticism and disappointment. Honami returned the headphones to her and didn’t say anything, seemingly deep in thought.
“What do you think of it…?” Kanade asked hesitantly. Honami paused for a few moments before finally answering, “It’s melancholic and soothing, but it also feels like it’s missing something.”
“Oh, I see…” Kanade sighed. As expected, Honami could also tell that the song was lacking something. Then again, she was in a band.
“Maybe you should try adding some lyrics?” Honami suggested. Kanade nodded absent-mindedly but she knew that that was impossible; she couldn’t write lyrics at all, none of her songs had a single lyric in them, only music.
Kanade stared at the screen before finally shutting her computer down. Maybe this was a song that she would have to give up on.
“Let’s go eat.”
She smiled at Honami, trying to lift the mood a little. Honami nodded and went out to the dining room.
The meal was rather quiet, they did have a bit of small talk here and there but Kanade’s mind was filled with thoughts on how she could improve the song. Honami could likely tell that it was bothering her a lot and did not push for a conversation.
Once they were done, Honami collected the dishes and washed them while Kanade helped her pack her bag.
Just as Honami was about to leave, she suddenly started searching for something in her bag. She fished out two tickets and handed them to Kanade.
“I almost forgot about this, but our band is having a concert at WEEKEND GARAGE. We’re actually having a stand-off against a group of street artists called Vivid BAD SQUAD! It’s in roughly a week, I hope that you can come watch us Kanade! There’s one extra ticket in case you want to bring a friend along too!” Honami explained animatedly.
Kanade smiled softly. It was obvious that Honami was extremely excited for the concert. As far as Kanade knew, it would be her band’s first official concert as well.
“Thank you for the tickets Honami, I’ll try to attend your concert,” Kanade thanked her housekeeper and she seemed pleased by the answer as she pulled the frail girl into a tight hug.
“Thank you Kanade, your support means a lot to me!” Kanade nodded and waved goodbye to Honami with a smile.
As Kanade closed the door, she looked down at the tickets. The concert was in 8 days. It also happened to be 1 day after her mother’s death anniversary. What were the chances? It seemed like she would have to go out two days in a row…She sighed. She could only hope that her body would be able to take the physical torture.
Kanade returned to her room and booted up her computer again. She would give the song another try, before she completely gave up on it. She started playing her father’s old music box, listening to its calm melody. Oh right…her dad. She had to visit him tomorrow. Would he remember her tomorrow? Did she even deserve that?
Kanade shook her head as she shoved that thought into a darker part of her mind. She didn’t need it right now. She had to compose. What else could she do?
…
Her body felt tired. She had been staring at the screen for hours, but had not done anything. What time was it? It didn’t really matter to her. Her eyelids were already drooping and Kanade rested her head on the table, finally falling asleep.
On the other side of the computer, a purple-haired woman listened to a song. It was a soft and gentle song, one that touched her stale heart. The first thing to make her feel something in years.
“K, huh? This song…”
The woman left a comment under the song before shutting down her computer.
Yuki: I hope that you will continue making songs. Thank you, K.