Archive of Our Own

there once was this teenage boy, let's call him x.

x used to be a great student, straight A's in all of his classes, especially math, but never p.e (he hated how all the other guys would make fun of him for not being as athletic as them so he would always try and find a way to sit out).

but just because he got good grades, didnt mean he enjoyed any of the subjects, whenever people asked him his favourite class, he would just say english because thats the one he did the best in, and most people tend to like english class.

but unfortunately, like many straight A students, eventually he got burnt out. but he couldnt let his grades drop because his parents always praised him for getting good grades, so obviously he should prioritize grades over his mental health, right?

so he kept pushing himself every single day, but no matter how hard he tried, he just could. not. keep. up.

this led to him spending an unhealthy amount of time on his schoolwork and his mental health rapidly deteriorating, but he was getting good grades, so thats all that matters, isnt it?

even though he knew he shouldnt be spending this much time on his assignments, he refused to see it as a problem because he was still maintaining his grades. he really just wanted his parents to be proud of him, and thats the one thing they always noticed.

however, he started to get unusually tired. he had never felt this tired before, and it almost felt like he was mentally tired, like the amount of time he was spending on things he didnt actually enjoy was wearing him down every second.

x thought that he would be fine, he just needed to get more sleep and he'd feel okay again and that the next day would be better. but even if he slept for 12 hours, he would still feel exhausted when he woke up.

all his friends started noticing, and they tried to ask him what was wrong, but since he didnt see any problem with what was happening, he didnt take any of their questions seriously.

instead of concentrating on his mental state, he just put all his focus into his classes, maybe if he buried himself far enough into his work, he could forget about his friends concerns that snuck their way into his head and forget about his parents arguing and instead focus on their smiles when he gets good grades on his report card.

after a few months of this routine, he finally snapped.

he got his report card and even though he worked his ass off, he only got an A in science and math, he got B's in all the other academic classes, and a C- in p.e (which he honestly expected).

and you may be thinking, "a B is still a great grade!" but not to his parents, his parents expected the best and were only happy if they got what they expected.

so, his parents started yelling at him because he obviously wasnt working hard enough, and this was the first time it really got under x's skin since he had been working hard. he'd been working harder than he ever had before!

but if he yelled back at his parents it would only make it worse. so he just sat there and nodded along with his parents' hurtful words, it always shocked him how mean they could be to their own child.

once his parents finally stopped yelling at him and he was sure they had gone to bed, he ran up to his room and started crying.

he didn't realize how badly he needed to cry, because it felt like a weight lifting off his shoulders. it felt great, but there was a little thought in his head telling him that it wasnt enough, he needed even more weight lifted.

the thought wasnt entirely clear to him though, he wasnt sure what else he could do, especially considering that tears were still rolling down his face.

so he decided to try calling one of his friends, but then remembered that he kinda drifted apart from them while he was so focused on his schoolwork, and now they barely ever talked outside of school.

he gave up on that idea since he felt like he might just be annoying to them since he had kind of been a dick to them for the past few months, and he doesnt want to be the person who crawls back to their friends when they're crying to make them feel bad.

he just sat there for a while on his bedroom floor, still crying, when he saw his bathroom door open a crack out of the corner of his eye.

seeing the bathroom reminded him of the razor that he kept on the counter. he heard of people cutting themselves to make them feel better, so maybe it would work for him too?

once this thought crossed his mind he started working on autopilot, he was desperate to get rid of this weight and all the thoughts that had started running wild through his head since he started crying.

he went over to the bathroom counter and grabbed his razor, it took him a second to figure out how to purposely cut himself with the razor, but once he did he did one cut down his arm.

it was a lot deeper than he meant to do, but somehow he didnt really feel that much pain, enough to drop the razor in shock, but nothing he hadnt felt before. he just watched the blood drip down his arm and it made his mind calm down. something about the red liquid running down his arm relaxed him, in some sick and twisted kind of way.

after he realized he had been staring at his arm for a long time, he looked up and saw his reflection in the mirror. he had made sure not to look in the mirror when he walked into the bathroom, but now he couldnt avoid it.

his eyes were red and puffy, worse than they had ever been before, and he could see the cut on his arm with the blood and he instantly felt a wave of shame wash over him.

what the fuck did he just do?

after he had cut himself, he had no idea what to do with himself, the thoughts in his head slowed down, but now he just felt guilty, how could he do that to himself? and why did it make him feel better?

before he could think too much about it, he decided it would be best to clean the blood off of his arm and put a bandaid on his cut, he wasnt sure if he had a big enough one, but surprisingly he did, and for some reason it made him feel a bit better.

after that he went to bed, his mind was finally clear and he could just focus on sleeping and he tried not to worry about what tomorrow would bring, he just felt relieved that he finally found a way to make himself relax, even if it was a terrible way to do it.

he just hoped he wouldnt become too dependent on it and that it would just be a once in a while kind of thing.

little did he know, this one night would lead to exactly what he didnt want to happen: becoming reliant on self-harm and it becoming a habit.

as he started relying on it more and more, he realized that the cuts would eventually become a lot more noticeable to everyone around him, so instead of cutting (or trying to stop), he turned to punching himself to create bruises scattered around his body.

the bruises were definitely still noticeable, but no one would question them as much as a bunch of random cuts, so he decided to stick with the bruises. (even though a small part of him wanted someone to notice to see if anyone still cared, but people would obviously care regardless because he's harming himself.)

but even though harming himself made him feel better, he still craved more, so one morning before school he impulsively skipped breakfast to see how he would feel and what would happen, an experiment so to speak.

he definitely noticed the hunger, and for some reason he wanted to skip lunch too, probably to see how long he could go without food, but then his friends asked why he wasnt eating so he pulled out his food and ate anyways.

he was honestly really surprised his friends hadnt fully ditched him, he barely ever hung out with them outside of school, and he didnt talk to them a lot either. but thats one of the plus sides to having a bunch of girl friends, they tend to understand a bit better than the guys do.

speaking of guy friends, any of those that he might've had before are 100% gone now because they never reached out to him, never asked if something was wrong, and they just kind of seemed to forget about him, so he tried his best to forget about them too. sometimes its better to stick with the people you know care about you.

anyways, even though his remaining friends still cared a lot about him and would ask if everything was alright, he just told them everything was fine and that he was okay and they didnt need to worry about him. but every time they would ask, he would think about telling them the truth.

how his parents always yelled at him, even more so now because he started falling behind a bit in his assignments, and that all he wants to do is sleep just to make the day go by faster, and how he wants to just cry at any minor inconvenience.

but he never tells them anything, because he's too scared of what their reactions might be, so he keeps it all bottled up inside and never lets it out.

over the next few days, x found a way to skip more and more meals without his parents or anyone else noticing. every once in a while, his friends would ask why he wasnt eating as much, but to be fair he never ate that much to start with, so they didnt ask very often, and whenever they did he would just flat out lie to them.

he did feel a little bad, but at least the overbearing weight had started to stay away for longer now, but because all he was focused on was the weight, he couldnt notice that he was paying less attention in class and that he was nowhere near as happy as used to be before any of this happened.

as the days turned into weeks, he seemed to fade away, becoming smaller and smaller, and almost as if he was invisible to most people, even his friends who had stuck around for a while finally stopped talking to him. he doesnt blame them though, he would never answer their questions and he was acting so different now that they could probably barely recognize him.

so now he was practically all alone, sure he had his parents, but there's no way he would ever tell them anything, they'd most likely just yell at him again.

all x had now was the self-harm and skipping meals. at first he was just focused on lifting the weight off his shoulders, but now he's become obsessed with the way his body looks.

he'd always been very tall, as well as skinny, some people have even said he's a bit too skinny, but that never really bothered him that much before. but now he cant see himself as skinny at all. no matter how many meals he skips or how much he tries to exercise, he will never be skinny enough.

when he realized this, it really set in with how bad he had let himself get. he had pretty much become a zombie, walking through life with no purpose. he dug himself into such a deep hole, that he could no longer get out of it and all he could see was darkness around him.

until he met a boy. let's call him y.

x accidentally bumped into y one day when he was walking along the street. x's parents had just been screaming at him over the fact that all he did was sit around in his room and sleep, and after the yelling was finally over, he decided to go for a walk to try and clear his head.

at this point it was almost summer, he only had about 2 weeks of school left (he hardly even noticed school was almost over, all the days just seemed to blur together for him), and he didnt know how to feel since he didnt really have any friends to hang out with over summer, so he had no idea what he would spend the 2 months doing.

so really x met y at the perfect time, because while x was mindlessly walking down the street and he bumped into y, x felt terrible for making him drop his stuff and he was apologizing profusely, but y told him that it would be okay and that its not a big deal.

after x realized this random boy didnt hate him for accidentally running into him, he calmed down and they started casually talking for about 10 minutes. even though it wasnt a long conversation, it was the first enjoyable conversation x had in a long time, and it left him wanting to talk to y more.

luckily, y had asked for his number since he wanted to talk to x more as well. so as soon as they both got home, they immediately started texting. they talked about the most random things, like weird foods they liked, their favourite time of day, and even what kind of shoes they liked the most.

this felt like new territory to x because he hadnt really had this kind of conversation in a long time, and he thought that y truly seemed to like him, at least for now.

x didnt quite know how to feel after today, he still ended up bruising himself, but he felt more guilty about it than he had the other times. and today was one of the first days where he didnt really know what was gonna happen tomorrow, sure he knew school would happen, and it would most likely be terrible (especially since y didnt go to his school), but maybe he and y could hangout or something, or have another long conversation over text, and he felt excited not knowing exactly what was going to happen the next day, something he hadnt felt in a long time.

now, it may seem like x is overreacting a little, but keep in mind that he hasnt had a good friend in a long time and now he has a slight glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe he might find a way out of that hole he dug himself into so long ago.

so as soon as school finished and x got home, he waited for a call, or a text, or anything from y. he waited for an hour before y said anything, and when he did text him, he said "would you want to go meet up at the park? i always feel awkward when im texting people." and of course x immediately responded with "yeah, that would be great!"

they decided to meet there about 15 minutes later, and as soon as x saw y he felt a smile appear on his face, as well as a bit of a nervous feeling in his stomach, he wasnt too sure why, but he brushed it off because he just wanted to have a good time with y.

they didnt do all that much while they were at the park, but they talked a lot and they learned a bunch of little things about each other. like x learned that y is terrified of both cats and dogs, and y learned that x loves pasta and sashimi (not together, they're just two foods he likes).

once it got late and they had to go back home, they said their goodbyes, but instead of just a typical goodbye, y said, "i wish i could talk to you forever, your voice is so pretty i could even listen to it to fall asleep." which made x blush in a matter of seconds, he didnt know how to respond to that, so he just awkwardly laughed and said thank you.

while x was walking home, he was replaying everything y had said, especially the last thing he said to him before they went their separate ways back to their houses. no one had ever said such a nice thing to him, not even his ex-girlfriend from a year ago, or maybe it was almost two years now? he couldnt quite remember. but what he did remember is that he always felt a bit off around her, whenever she would try and do anything physical with him, he would have the urge to run away and hide in his room, but he never actually did, he just went along with it because its what he thought he wanted, but he was never really sure.

it wasnt her fault or anything, he probably just wasnt comfortable enough with her or something like that. maybe if he knew her for longer, he wouldnt have felt as disgusted whenever she kissed him. it was always her who made the moves first, he was too scared of what would happen, and maybe he honestly just didnt want to, or they just weren't meant to be

x had dinner with his parents when he got home, he wasnt super hungry, he never was anymore, but he couldnt ever find a way to skip dinner, so he pushed through it and the uncomfortable silence that came with it.

after dinner though, y surprised him with a facetime call, he hadnt facetimed anyone in a long time, so he was a little worried about how it would go, but it's just y, so he's not quite as worried. its shocking to x how quickly he's gotten used to being around y and talking with him even though he's only known him for a day and a half.

of course x picked up the call, he didnt want to lose any chance of making (and keeping) a new friend. at first it was a little awkward, but after a few minutes they got right back into their normal flow of conversation. the time flew by for x when he was enjoying the company of someone that he actually likes talking to.

so much time went by that x's phone got down to 5%, so unfortunately he had to hang up, it was getting later anyways, but y looked so disappointed when x told him that he had to go, and x couldnt shake that look for the rest of the night. but by some kind of miracle, he didnt even think about self-harming today, he must've just been too excited to see what would happen with y, and now he has that same excitement for tomorrow, as long as he didnt ruin it by having to hang up the facetime call.

x didnt realize how tired he was until he finally got into bed, he fell asleep about 10 minutes later, with very minimal overthinking, and it was nice for him to just be able to sleep without a pit of anxiety in his stomach to wake up to the next morning.

so thats how the next week or so went, they hung out every day, whether they went to the park or went to each other's houses, they just wanted to be together and talk to each other. but as they hung out more, x started to notice himself looking at y for a bit too long to just be looking in a friendly way. he didnt know why he did it, or what it meant, but boys cant like other boys right? (thats what his parents always told him.)

and if he did somehow have a crush on y, the compliments that he gave him definitely didnt help. maybe he just wasnt used to being around such a nice person who brought out the best in him. x always wanted to be around y, he would be at his house every second of everyday if he could, and every day he thinks about how good of a friend y is, but maybe x wants more than that, he just doesnt know it yet.

either way, one day when they were at y's house, they were laying right next to each other on his bed, and it was almost sunset, so x suggested that they should go out and try to find a good spot to watch it. usually x wouldnt suggest doing anything specific with his friends from before because he was scared that they wouldnt like what he suggested, but y always encouraged him to be confident in himself, his interests, and his choices, so he asked y and he was pretty much expecting him to say yes.

of course y did say yes, he loved it when x came up with things for them to do because it meant that he actually wanted to do them (y was sometimes worried that x wasnt as interested as he was when they were doing the things he chose for them to do).

so they went outside, and at first they couldnt really see the sunset, but then y grabbed x's hand and started running. x wanted to ask where he was taking him, but he was too focused on the fact that y was holding his hand, he didnt want to think about it, but he couldnt stop himself. it made him feel safe in a way, like if he was touching y he would be okay, and everything would be fine.

once y finally stopped running and they both caught their breath, they looked up and they could see the sunset perfectly. x just stared right at it, he was so in awe of all the colours and how they perfectly blended together. even though there were a few clouds in the sky, they just made it prettier because they all looked pink from the colours of the sunset.

x turned to face y, and he had turned to look at him at the same time. they just looked at each other for a few seconds until x let out an awkward laugh to break the silence. he tried to say how beautiful the sunset was, but then y grabbed his face with hands and said, "you're so beautiful, i never want to stop looking at you."

x had never had anyone say anything like that to him, but he didnt know what to focus on. the words, or the fact that his hands were cupping his face, and that he was looking from his eyes to his lips constantly, but not making any moves.

he didn't know what to do, so instead of thinking, he kissed him. he was scared that y didnt like him like that, but he almost immediately kissed him back, causing all his worries to melt away. now y's hands had moved into x's hair, x wasn't too sure what to do with his hands, so he just kept them wrapped around y's back.

neither of them knew how much time had passed, but when they separated all x could feel was the warm feeling in his chest, as if part of the hole in his heart been filled. whenever x was with y, all of his problems seemed to drift away, at least until he got back to his house and he had to endure the chaos that his parents unleashed on him. but right now, in this moment, all he was thinking about was y and the big smile that was on both of their faces.

after they kissed, y invited x to go back to his house to eat dinner (they had forgotten to earlier before the sunset), but x knew that if he got home later than his parents told him to he would get into deep shit and maybe even get grounded, and then he wouldn't be able to see y. y understood why he couldn't stay, so then x went home, surprisingly his parents were both out, they didnt leave a note or anything, but it was kinda nice to be home alone for a little bit.

he forgot to eat dinner, but this time he genuinely had forgotten because he had some snacks at y's house, so he wasn't that hungry. he still didnt see himself as skinny, he probably never would, but at some point he subconsciously started not caring about his appearance quite as much or how many calories he was eating in a day. sure he still wasn't perfect, but he was getting better, and that's what counts, even if he was starting to become more reliant on y to be happy, at least he's still happy, right?

but as x was laying on his bed, he remembered that y was a guy, and the fact that he just kissed him. as a kid he never really liked girls that much, and all the adults in his life always told him that he just had to wait for the right one to come along, but maybe the right one was a guy instead of a girl. for some reason he didnt feel guilty or bad about it, he thought he would never feel anything romantically towards guys since his parents were so heavily against it.

the more he thought about it, the more he realized his parents distaste towards gay people didnt make sense at all. why would you hate someone because of who they love?

immediately after that thought, he put the pieces together and wondered if his parents would hate him now because of the fact that he likes guys. his worry disappeared though because its not like he was super close with his parents anyway, but he still didnt want to get kicked out or anything so he probably wouldnt tell them, at least not yet.

the next few days were pretty similar, but now since summer had officially started, they spent almost all their time together, and every once in a while they would "practice" kissing. x wasn't too sure why y called it practice, but either way he still got to kiss him, and make-out with him, so he didnt bother to ask why he called it practice. x still barely talked to his other friends, but sometimes y would tell him he should have a conversation with them or something because it's always better to have more than one friend.

now it was the weekend again, usually they didnt do anything that different, but y told x that there was a party happening at some random girl's house and that he wanted x to come with him. x was actually kind of excited at the thought of going to a party again, so he said yes without hesitation.

while they were driving to the party, y started talking about how fun it was going to be, and that x would get to see some of his old friends. this caught x off guard because he didnt know if he really wanted to see them in person again, but he thought he might as well just go and say hi, if anything goes wrong he could just go and find y.

once they got to the house, a bunch of cars were already there so they had to park pretty far down the street. as they were walking up to the house, another little group of people were too, and apparently y knew them because he started talking to them. x always envied the fact that y could just go up to people and start a conversation, sure he clearly knew these people, but he still was confident enough to just strike up a conversation with them.

x got pulled away from his thoughts because y was introducing him to these 4 people he'd never seen until this moment. somehow he managed to talk to them and learn all their names and they seemed really nice, maybe he will be able to talk to his old friends without any problems.

they all ended up walking inside together, and a tall guy greeted them at the door. he told them that everyone else was downstairs in the basement, so that's where they went. when they got down to the basement it was a completely different vibe from upstairs. there was a disco ball, a bunch of colourful lights instead of normal white ones, and loud music that everyone was dancing to.

it had been so long since x had been to a party it took him a few minutes to adjust to everything, but y was still right beside him so it wasn't all that bad. they were just kind of standing there until y started dragging x somewhere. he wasnt too sure where they were going, but he tried to make sure he didnt bump into anyone, it was hard since it was so crowded, but even if he did accidentally hit anyone, no one said anything.

y had actually been dragging x over to the drink table, x quickly noticed that everything on the table had alcohol in it. its not like he'd never had any alcohol before, he just absolutely hated being hungover the next day. y could see that x looked a bit unsure after they got to the table, so he took the initiative and poured both of them a drink.

after y started drinking, x decided that he might as well too, one drink isnt that big of a deal anyways.

once they finished their drinks, y pointed out some people that he knew, and he said he wanted to go and talk to them. he invited x but right when they walked in, he had seen some of his old friends from before he met y, so he decided to go and talk to them. y seemed happy that x was going to go and talk to someone else without him right beside him, which x just perceived as y being proud of him, not that he might've been glad to have x away from him for a while.

x walked up to his old friends, he didnt realize that all three of them were here, but oh well, he couldnt turn around now. actually, he did try to, but y seemed to have disappeared in the crowd so he might as well try and start up a conversation with them.

he said hi to them and to his surprise they all looked happy to see him, which calmed him down a little since he was scared they would act like they didnt know him or something. thats part of what he liked about them though, they were almost always nice to people even if they didnt know them or had drifted away from them.

they were a bit confused on who invited him, and then he explained how he met y and how close they had gotten. he didnt say anything about the kissing, or the constant compliments he would give him, or the fluttery feeling in his stomach whenever he was with him. he wasnt even sure if they were technically boyfriends or not, neither of them ever asked, x just kinda assumed that they were, and hopefully y felt the same.

x didnt realize how happy he was while talking with them until he realized it had already been an hour and half, time always passes really fast when you're having fun. somehow, he had almost forgot that y was even there. now that he had remembered about him, he wanted to go find him and tell him how kind and welcoming his friends were even though he stopped talking to them without giving them any reason.

so he left his friends to go try and find y, but he circled around the whole basement 2 or 3 times and couldnt find him anywhere, he even asked a few people if they had seen him, but they all said no. until he walked up to this one girl and asked, and she said that she saw him go upstairs.

x wasnt too sure why, and he felt bad asking the girl anymore questions, so he just said thank you and started to go upstairs. once he got to the main floor he still didnt see y anywhere, he saw a few little groups of people scattered around, but y wasnt in any of them. x was starting to get a bit worried, what if something happened to y?

he didnt know where else to look, and he was starting to get a bit stressed out because a bunch of possible bad scenarios of what could've happened to y had begun to fill up his mind. he took a deep breath and asked a random guy where the bathroom was and he pointed to a hallway near the back of the house and said that it was the first door on the left.

he made sure to thank the guy and he walked over to the bathroom, but before he even saw the bathroom door, he saw y kissing some random girl at the end of the hallway, it wasnt just a little peck either, they were full on making out.

x froze on the spot, why the fuck was y kissing someone else?

x was so shocked, but he didnt want them to see him, so he decided to just go outside and get some air, what else could he do? its not like they were officially together or anything, but it still felt so wrong to x, he would never do that to y, ever.

once he got outside, he didnt know where to go so he just went and sat on the sidewalk far enough from the house that most people wouldn't be able to tell who it was sitting alone on the curb. as soon as he sat down the tears started to flow, he was honestly surprised he managed to keep it together until he got outside, but maybe its just because he was utterly shocked at what he had just seen.

"why would he do that to me?" he asked himself in his head, of course he wasnt going to get the real answer, only the made-up ones from his head saying thats it because he was worthless, didnt have a personality, was ugly, those kinds of things. of course y didnt think that at all, but it was definitely fucked up that he kissed someone else, even if he didnt reciprocate x's feelings, he still led him on. and even though he wanted to ignore it, he knew if x found out that he would fall into a deep spiral of self-hate and y hated to see x like that, but its too late to go back now.

x sat there for who knows how long, until eventually he heard someone open and close a door. he instinctively looked over to see who it was, but it was just one of his girl friends (let's call her a), he was kind of relieved for some reason that it wasnt y, he didnt know if he could talk to him right now after what he just witnessed.

he must've accidentally been staring at her or something, because she started walking towards him (or maybe she was just worried because he was alone on the sidewalk).

"shit" he whispered out loud, he didnt know if he wanted to talk to anyone right now, but it looks like he was going to need to regardless of what he wanted. he quickly wiped the tears on his face and all he could do was hope that his eyes werent too red or puffy.

she came and sat beside him and asked if he was okay, she could probably already tell he wasnt by the fact that he was avoiding eye contact and he hesitated before answering the question. even though they werent as close anymore, they used to be, before this night they were basically strangers that knew everything about each other.

in a weird way, x was still glad he agreed to go to the party because he got to see his old friends again, but it fucking sucks at the same time because of the thing with y, his emotions were all jumbled up again and he hated it, but he still had to talk to a because apparently she didnt believe him when he said he was fine and that he just needed some air.

he decided to tell the truth, maybe not all of it, but at least some. so he told her about how bad his mental health had gotten, and that y had managed to drag him out of the deep pit he was stuck in, and that throughout that process he had started to get feelings for him (she was definitely a little shocked at that part, but she didnt interrupt him), and that he felt the same, but then he just saw him kissing some random girl in the hallway.

he was kind of rambling, but he didnt care that much, and neither did she. it felt nice to say it out loud to someone since he didnt want to try and bottle it all up like he used to because he knew that would weigh him down until he overflowed, and it was just really nice having another friend instead of only y, even though it was only one night, he could tell they would start talking more again after this.

after he had finished telling his story, they sat in silence for a few moments. she didnt really know what to say, and x felt like he might've given her too much information, but then she said, "wow, thats a really shitty thing to do to someone. im so sorry he did that to you." and she gave him a little side hug.

neither of them knew how long they sat there for, but it was relaxing and x felt like he might be okay for a moment. he knew he would need to figure out stuff with y, but for now it was okay because he had someone here with him.

suddenly x sat up, he realized that people were probably going to start leaving soon, and he at least wanted to wait until tomorrow to talk to y. a looked at him a bit confused, and then he explained, and she offered to give him a ride back to his place, he accepted it and they left right before people started leaving.

on the ride back though, he got a text from y asking where he was, he started to panic a little, but a suggested that he should just say he felt sick and asked her for a ride home. he texted him that and y responded with "oh shit, hope you feel better soon :)" and x just sent a heart and then turned off his phone.

once he got back to his house, he showered to try and keep himself busy from thinking about y too much, but as soon as he laid down to go to sleep, he was all he could think about. he tried to just ignore the thoughts, but he couldnt no matter what he tried. why would y do that? x really just could not grasp why he kissed her when he was right here. was he not good enough for y anymore?

god, he really hated how his brain worked, he wished that he could just think a thought a move on, instead of spiraling off of every thought and going in an endless circle of repeating the same things over and over again until he hated himself beyond the point of repair.

he didnt realize, but he had started punching his shin without even meaning to. but once he noticed he immediately stopped, the realization froze every thought in his brain because he hadn't punched himself in such a long time that he forgot how quickly it shut up his brain. he also forgot about how much it hurts, but thats a small price to pay for clarity of the mind.

after he finally stopped staring at the already bruised patch on his leg, he fell asleep right away, almost like all he needed to fall asleep and stop the racing thoughts in his mind was to hurt himself, just like he used to do so often. but he wouldnt fall back into that bad habit, would he?

the next day, just as x was getting up his confidence to text y and talk to him about the party last night, y texted him to say that he was going on vacation for a week with his family and that he wouldnt have any signal so they wouldnt be able to talk at all. this caught x off guard because usually y didnt just randomly go on vacation for a week, especially not with his family since they didnt get along very well.

but even if he was lying about who he was going with, he was probably just going with some other friends that x didnt know so y probably just assumed that x wouldnt want to go because it would be a bit awkward (at least thats what he was trying to convince himself).

even though x was a bit suspicious of y, he didnt say anything to him, he could just wait a week to talk to him in person about everything, and if he is actually just going away with his family then he wouldnt have to worry about that other girl from the party.

the more and more x thought this over, he reassured himself that it would be fine, and that some time apart might even help them a little bit because they've spent so much time together lately, as long as everything is still the same once he gets back it would work out just fine.

what didnt cross x's mind was the possibility that instead of going on vacation with his family or friends, he was actually going with that girl from the party. of course he had no idea that they were that close, he didnt think he had to worry about anything like that because he and y worked so well together, but nothing good ever seemed to last for x.

so naturally, since x wasnt able to see y, he wanted to go hangout with his other friends now to try and glue the friendships back together, and thats exactly what happened. they went to the movies and they were all laughing and having a great time, x almost forgot about the bruises on his shin from last night.

he actually did forget, until one of his friends pointed it out and asked what happened, he quickly came up with a lie that he tripped over the sharp corner of the coffee table in his living room, and everyone seemed to believe it, a gave him a bit of a weird look, she almost looked disgusted, but he ignored it and laughed it off with the rest of his friends.

once he got home he couldnt help but worry that a would bring up the bruise again at some point, but for some reason the thought of someone noticing and paying attention to him made him feel comforted, because even when y noticed the few little cuts on his arm, he never actually said anything about it, just looked at x with pity in his eyes and then moved on.

however, y did ask about how little x ate, but any time that x tried to explain why he skipped meals and why he underate, y would either zone out or pull out his phone and start texting someone else, so that just made x feel like he was being boring by talking about his problems, so he'd switch the topic to something more cheerful and y would instantly be interested again.

"how could you just ignore stuff like that?" x thought in his head, if he ever saw one of his friends with perfectly straight cuts or scars on their arms he would definitely ask about it, but maybe thats only because he didnt want any of them to end up like him. and to be fair they did try to ask him about the bruise, but he lied to them anyways, so maybe the attention wouldnt be as comforting as he originally thought.

regardless of the fact that those thoughts werent as unwanted, he still felt the urge to self-harm, it would have to be a bit easier to hide though so no one would notice like they did today. he ended up cutting his upper arm, he didnt mean to grab the razor stashed in the cupboard underneath the sink, but once he had it in his hand he figured that he might as well just cut instead of bruise today.

he did have to take off his shirt though to make sure he wouldnt get any blood on it, and after he finished the cuts on his right arm, he looked up and the mirror caught him off guard, he must have forgotten to go back into his bedroom.

but this time when he looked in the mirror he wasn't as shocked about the bright red of his blood against his skin, instead he was focusing on how skinny he really was. his collarbones were jutting out, his face looked different but he couldnt tell exactly what was more unsettling, the definition of his cheekbones, or the fact that he was so pale he almost looked dead, and even his arms were smaller than they used to be.

he always thought he would never be skinny enough, but maybe he had taken it too far, because now he was scared of his reflection, and he didnt recognize himself. he wondered how no one else noticed, but maybe they didnt notice as much because it was more gradual for them, but he hasnt looked in a mirror since the first time he cut himself months ago.

once he tore his eyes away from his reflection he made sure his cuts had stopped bleeding and he pulled his shirt back on. he was basically running on autopilot at this point as he got into bed, he made himself a promise that he would start to eat more, he knew he'd still self-harm, he couldnt take both of his forms of escapism away, he wasnt sure if he'd actually be able to get better, but he would at least try to, and thats better than nothing.

x couldnt bring himself to leave the house for the rest of the week, he talked to a few of his friends, and his excuse this time for not going out with them was that he was sick (which is true, but not in the way he meant it), and x expected them to be okay with it, but they all started accusing him of not liking them or caring about their friendship.

and then he found out that a had ended up telling them all what happened at that one party with y kissing the girl and how embarrassed they felt being seen with a loser like him. for some reason he really believed that they would be nice to him after he just disappeared into his sadness all those months ago and stopped talking to all of them, but it did make sense to him why they didnt want to be friends with him anymore. so he apologized to them and told them he wouldnt talk to them anymore if thats what they wanted.

obviously he felt like he was the problem here, when he clearly wasnt, the girls just weren't patient enough to find out why he disappeared and why he was so closed off, when all he really wanted to do was figure himself out before anyone else did.

anyways, back to the food issues. even though he had been eating more, he felt worse than ever, and he had started caring so much about how he looked and the fact that he was barely gaining any weight only made him hate himself more because he actually saw himself as too skinny and he just wanted to look normal since he was still planning on talking to y in person when he got back.

y was coming back tomorrow, but x got a notification that y posted on instagram, and since he hadn't seen or texted him for the past week, he immediately clicked on it because he wanted to see what he did on vacation and who he was actually with.

x was actually really excited to see the pictures, but the very first picture of the post was a picture of him and the party girl kissing, and the caption said, "look at my beautiful girlfriend, god im so lucky to have her".

his heart sunk lower than he thought was possible at the sight of her and the 12-word caption ripped his heart apart even further. he couldnt be mad at y though, partly because he loved him too much and partly because the girl was so fucking gorgeous, but x really thought he and y had something special with each other. he never even thought that y would go for someone else because of how infatuated he was with everything about x.

y was always complimenting his looks, saying how much he loved him and loved hanging out with him, saying that he had amazing person and how cool he thought x's interests were, and the fact that they literally made-out multiple times. he truly seemed in love with x, and maybe he was for a while, but clearly not anymore.

x's spirit was crushed to dust and he felt like a child's toy, the kid loves it for a while and always wants to play with it, but eventually they forget about it and stuff it away in a corner to collect dust and never be played with again.

he didnt even look at the rest of the pictures on his post, instead he just let his mind run wild, there was no point trying to stop it with self-harm, it barely helped at all last time anyways. then he started to think about a permanent way to shut up his mind, and as soon as the thought popped into his head he set into action.

he knew he still had to go and talk to y, just to clear everything up, but he already was sure in what he was going to do after. he didnt have any friends, his parents only cared about his grades, and he was going into his last year of high school, so that would just make it all worse, and he'd rather die than have to be just friends with y.

so thats what he wanted to do, he wanted to silence his brain for good, and its not like he had never thought of it before, it just didnt feel as necessary to him at those times, but now he had his mind set on it and there was no going back now, he had already figured out what rooftop he was going to go to.

as he was thinking about all the little details, he wondered if he should write letters to people, he'd probably only write a few so he decided to go for it.

he wrote one letter for the whole group of his girl friends, with a little individual thing for each person, because even if they had been bad friends to him recently, he could always find the good in people and they had so many fun memories together, he hoped that they would be alright hanging out with memories instead the real person.

next up he wrote one for both of his parents together, this one took him a little longer to write, but he went back a few years to remember the proud looks on their faces when he got all A's for the first time, and whenever they used to have family dinners together without arguments, because even though his parents were easy to write off as bad people, they used to have the biggest smiles and x loved them, but not enough to keep him here.

finally, he made one for y, this was definitely the longest one that he wrote, he didnt know where to start, there was so much good to write about him, he started with the first day they met, how he made x more confident in himself, their first kiss (and all the others), the kindness y showed to him, and how he was the light of his life, and he will always love him, even if its unreciprocated.

after he finished all of the letters, he put each of them in an envelope with their names on it and he stashed them under his pillow so no one would find them until he left to go to talk to y the next day.

he woke up the next morning and he felt the best he felt in a long time, almost as if he was already floating away from this world and his cruel brain, like he was finally going to be free.

once he got downstairs, he had breakfast and his mom was sitting on the couch, she noticed that x was acting a bit weird, a lot happier than he had been lately, he even said good morning to her first as he got his breakfast.

he told her that he was going to go over to y's house a bit later in the day and sleepover for the night and she nodded in approval, she was happy that he had at least one really good friend, she tended to be quite observant, especially when it came to her son, even if she was hard on him, she still cared about him with her whole heart.

lately she had been quite busy, but this sudden extreme change of mood started to get her a bit worried, "he's probably just happy to see his best friend after he's been gone for a week" she reassured herself in her head and she went back to reading her book.

in the afternoon, right before x was about to leave, he laid the envelopes out on his bed so someone would be guaranteed to find them after the whole ordeal went down.

as he was looking at the envelopes, he had a feeling of guilt creep into his stomach, he really hoped that this wouldn't affect them too much, if he's right about his decision, everyone will just be better off without him, they shouldn't care that much if he dies since they dont care about him while he's alive, right?

he made sure they were all sealed and he left for y's house, he did impulsively give his mom a hug before he left (his dad wasnt home for some unknown reason), so he hoped she wouldnt go up to his room and find the letters right now.

once he got to y's house he went straight to his room, he was pretty sure y was still fine with him coming over, he probably would've texted if his plans changed, so x wasnt really that worried, he wasnt that worried about anything right now, because it wouldnt matter in a few hours when he would be gone.

he knocked on y's bedroom door and he told him to come in, x didnt know what to expect from y anymore, he wasnt sure if he'd be happy or mad to see him, but he just went in without a plan and started talking because what else could he do at that point.

they started talking, x had a lot that he wanted to get off his chest, and he needed y to pay attention and understand, since this was going to be their last conversation.

x ripped the bandaid off right at the start by saying, "congrats on the fucking girlfriend," and then he brought up how he saw them kissing at the one party they went to together, at first y tried to deny it, but then x pulled up the instagram post on his phone and that stopped y in his tracks. he tried to start explaining, it was probably going to be some bullshit lie anyways so x just kept talking.

he talked about all the compliments, they could've been friendly, but there was so many about his appearance, and he brought up their first kiss, and all their make-out sessions that y labelled as practice, but no one kisses that much for "practice", as well as how y made x a better version of himself and that x felt on top of the world whenever they were together, and that y was the only person x had truly ever loved in that way.

y just sat there for a few seconds, he clearly was shocked but x's sudden outburst of everything, and the first thing he said was, "i didnt know you felt like that, i've never liked guys, and i still dont, i genuinely only ever thought of you as a friend." and he said it with a shrug like it was no big deal, but x deflated like a balloon when he heard y's response.

how could that be all y had to say? that cant really be his actual answer, can it? what kind of person acts like that with their friend?

y could tell he surprised x with his answer, but he really never liked him, right? he can't like boys, and its not like they were every officially "boyfriends" or anything, so he didnt get why x got the wrong message from him.

"its just so hard for me to believe that. i really, really thought that you would at least understand why i felt that way, even if you didnt feel the same, but i guess it is what it is." x said as he turned to leave, this was the nail in the coffin for his plan. maybe if y reciprocated the feelings, and somehow the girlfriend post was a joke, then he would've reconsidered, but he can't live without y loving him back.

"wait x, hang on," y stood up and grabbed x's shoulder, "we could still be friends y'know? i'll just pretend you never said any of that and-" x cut him off.

"but i cant pretend y, not anymore." x brushed his hand off and started to walk out before he heard y say, "please just don't do anything too dramatic, it'll be worse for me and if you really love me then you'll just stay quiet about this, right?" and x could tell he was desperate, he cared too much about his reputation and not enough about others' feelings.

x didnt give y any response to that, he just walked out of his house and got into his car. he knew exactly where he was going next, the rooftop.

once he got to the chosen condo building, he went up the side stairs. he always thought it was weird that they had easy-access stairs that go straight to the roof. he opened the door to the roof and he got a blast of warm air in his face. the air-conditioning inside basically made him forget that it was summertime and hot outside.

he didnt want to waste any more time, someone would probably notice the envelopes soon, probably his dad whenever he gets home since x never got a chance to tell him where he went and he doesnt trust x's mom about that kind of stuff for some odd reason.

as he stepped up on to the ledge, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. he made sure he'd fall into the alleyway so he wouldnt have any chance of hitting a car and ruining it, and he didnt want everyone to see his corpse splattered on concrete, well, at least thats what he thought would happen.

when he opened his eyes he looked out at the city, it was nice, but wherever he was going to go now will be better, he was sure of it. he looked down and smiled, he definitely wouldn't survive this fall, just what he wanted.

he took one finally breath and raised his arms up, imitating a bird, it made it easier when he jumped for him to pretend he was just a bird flying for the first time.

as he was free falling through the air, all the happy memories with his friends, family, and y flashed through his mind, but he was at peace with his choice, they might not understand at first, but he made sure to write a general letter for all of them talking about his eating issues, self-harm, and how he hated the way his mind worked so they wouldn't think that he did it for no reason.

his final thought was, "everything always breaks at some point, but i was broken from the start."