Archive of Our Own

One

Jiaoqiu thought he was dead.

He thought he was dead the moment Hoolay slashed his stomach open, he thought he was dead when the poison slowly faded the vision from his beautiful, glassy yellow eyes that had once been his pride and joy when he looked in the mirror. And he thought he was dead when he drank the poison and watched Hoolay drink his blood from the wounds, feeling his life force drain from his eyes.

And then there was Moze.

It didn’t matter to Moze that he was covered in blood, scratches and gashes littering every inch of his body. It didn’t matter that every one of his limbs was screaming out in pain as he leaned down to look at the little foxian, hurt within an inch of his life. The moment he saw the state Jiaoqiu was in, the pain faded from his body, and nothing else mattered. He didn’t know how he had managed to carry Jiaoqiu on his back, both of their breaths heaving as he stepped over a mountain of borison corpses, all so he could take Jiaoqiu to Lingsha. But he didn’t have a choice.

Jiaoqiu had made peace with dying a moment before Moze had come. His eyes no longer could experience the beauty of nature, the sun’s color along with the leaves eventually faded away as he felt his vision disappear from his body. And the more blood he lost, the more he started to feel like he was finally at peace. He remembered how hard Moze was fighting to get him back, but he would understand. This was concrete, this would give him a body to touch, something to mourn over. It would be easier like this. And then he heard his footsteps.

Over the years Moze had taken careful consideration to make his footsteps quiet, even the most skilled of assassins couldn’t hear him coming. Jiaoqiu had eventually learned to know when he was coming, dozens of separate times of treating his wounds seemed to be enough. But this time they couldn’t have been more different. They were harsh, his feet drug across the concrete like a part of his body was seriously wounded. But Jiaoqiu knew it was him.

And then a tear slid down his bleeding eyes, carving a way on his pale skin and falling off the bottom of his chin. He squeezed his eyes shut, in his delirious state the only thing he could think to do was make it so Moze wouldn’t know. At least not now.

He had barely registered trembling arms lifting him up on his back, feeling the slow steady beat of a heart below him. Moze’s walking was slow, his breathing was ragged as he drug them through the Xianzhou, eyes searching the scenery as he prayed that all the borison were dead and gone. All he had to do was take Jiaoqiu to Lingsha, she would heal him. Just a bit further.

Jiaoqiu felt himself fade in and out of consciousness, his breathing must have sounded like he was a dying man. But whenever he would return back to reality, a small voice would fill the silence of his pounding headache.

“ Hold……..on. Please…….”

Jiaoqiu’s eyes fluttered open, pain assaulting his senses before he realized that there was no reason to open them anymore, he wouldn’t understand where they were. His lungs seized in his chest and he felt himself coughing, silently sobbing into the mess of hair before him, Moze’s hair.

The next time he woke again, he heard that same voice.

“ Just…….a little bit longer. Stay with me, Jiaoqiu.”

Jiaoqiu didn’t know if the voice was Moze, or some twisted version of his self preservation instincts in his head, screaming at him to stay alive. Either way, that little voice was the only thing he could cling to. The only thing that made him feel like this wasn’t all a dream, one that played once he had crossed over to the other side.

He didn’t know how long Moze had carried him, minutes or hours, he wasn’t sure. But he did know that eventually he heard voices. They were loud and there were a lot of them, and suddenly there were hands on his body, hands that were grabbing his limbs and peeling him off of the man’s back who had saved him. He felt his back pressed against silk sheets, and he could have sworn he heard Lingsha’s voice in the background.

“You carried him all the way here?”

A voice cried in his ear, it sounded far away, like they were trapped at the other end of an echo tunnel. Jiaoqiu’s hand shot out, he didn’t feel Moze anymore. He couldn’t hear his voice, what if he had left him? Jiaoqiu blinked his eyes open one more time, and it felt like glass shards were assaulting his vision. He sobbed quietly to himself, not knowing if it was blood or tears that were running down his face.

“You need to calm down. We’ve got you.”

Lingsha called again, but none of it mattered to Jiaoqiu. His limbs were flailing at his sides, he felt his hands collide with some kind of table, and one of his palms smacked against a person that was not Moze. Everything in his body was screaming at him to stop, the pain from moving was too much to bear, but it didn’t matter.

Where is he?

Did he leave me?

Why can’t I see him?

I don't understand.

\

“Hey. Hey. You’re okay, you’re going to be fine. Look at me Jiaoqiu. Look at me.”

A soft voice whispered in his ear, and a hand gently brushed against his palm, intertwining with his fingers. Jiaoqiu let out a shuddering sigh when he felt Moze against him, but his voice still sounded far away. He felt his body burn with shame, the terror of telling Moze that he couldn’t look at him. He didn’t know how to say it, he didn’t even know how to form words right now. So instead, he removed his hands from Moze, and choked back his sobs.

“I can’t.”

—------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two

The first night Jiaoqiu had been fully conscious after Lingsha had laid him in bed to heal, he didn’t think he was going to make it through. Medical assistants had carried him to his own separate room, he was finally doing well enough that he didn’t need to be monitored through the night. Lingsha had tried to insist, but all Jiaoqiu had wanted was time away from everyone. He didn’t need to see the looks on their faces to hear the pity in their voices when they spoke about how he had lost his vision. But he hadn’t anticipated how impossible it would feel.

Jiaoqiu was curled up in a ball underneath the covers, his pink hair had been tied out of his eyes by someone else, since he was not allowed to lift his hands that high from fear of reopening the wounds on his chest. They had been wrapped with several layers of gauze in case he bled through them, and his clothes were made out of silk, the kind that the well-off patients would wear.

He didn’t want to cry. This had been his first moment alone in days, and he didn’t want to spend it crying. Crying hurt, it felt like needles were being poked through his eyes, and everytime he did, blood would follow. It was a reminder of how he was a tiny piece of prey, just like what Hoolay said he was.

It was easy to be brave in the moment, down the bottle of poison like it was nothing and wait for Hooly to ravage his body, becoming his own undoing. It had all felt easy in the moment because he knew he would never wake up to understand the consequences of the thing he had done. And now that he was having to deal with them, Jiaoqiu thought they came at too steep of a price. He shuddered as his fingertips dove underneath the silk of his shirt, feeling the deep indents of his skin. He had treated injuries like this on dozens of patients, he knew how deep of scars they would often leave. And Jiaoqiu wasn’t sure if he wanted to spend the rest of his life, staring at a reminder of this encounter in the mirror.

Before he could have gotten even more lost in his thoughts, a sharp knock came from his hotel door. A part of him wanted to sit up in bed, at least pretend that he was feeling better, or like he wanted visitors. But he didn’t do any of those things. Jiaoqiu simply laid there under the covers, praying the person on the other side of the door would leave them alone.

“Jiaoqiu?”

A gruff voice came from the other side.

Moze.

Jiaoqiu thought to himself, digging his fingers into the sheets. 

“Can I come in?”

Jiaoqiu didn’t say anything for a moment, weighing over the options in his head.

“I’m not in any position to refuse you.”

Seemed to be the only response he could come up with. There was a beat of prolonged silence, almost like Moze didn’t want to take that response.

“I won’t come in if you don’t want me to.”

Jiaoqiu hesitated for a moment, he was sure that if he told Moze he didn’t want him to come in, then he really wouldn’t. But the thought of being alone right now felt like the most lonely thing in the world, something he wouldn’t quite recover from.

“You can come in.”

Jiaoqiu replied softly, turning over in bed so he was facing towards the direction of Moze’s voice. He heard the door click open and footsteps followed, ones that he assumed were made louder by his lack of sight.

“I’m shutting the door, and walking over to your bedside table, where I have set a gift basket from General Jing Yuan.”

Jiaoqiu’s ears pricked with interest, taking in the words as he heard all the same sounds to match them. The door shutting, footsteps growing closer to him, and then finally a large item being laid down on the seemingly wooden table next to him.

“And now… I am walking over to the bed and kneeling down, so you and I are at eye level.”

“What are you doing?”

Jiaoqiu whispered into the cold room, and sure enough, he felt the soft feeling of warm breath on his face, indicating that he and Moze really were at each other’s levels.

“I’m telling you everything I’m doing. I never want you to be confused around me. So long as I am at your side I will never let your lack of sight keep you from understanding the world around you, Jiaoqiu.”

And for a moment, Jiaoqiu felt his heart flutter at the words. They were so soft and tender, coming from a man who had been anything but that over the years. His fingers dug into the sheets beside him, hard enough that it made his fingers ache and body hurt.

“Thank you.”

Jiaoqiu whispered, at a loss for anything else to say.

“Do not thank me. I wasn’t there to save you when it truly counted.”

Jiaoqiu reached his hand forward blindly, waving it around until he felt it collide with soft skin, and a sharp edge, probably the corner of Moze’s jaw. He heard a surprised sigh come from the man in front of him, but he didn’t stop his fingers. He trailed his fingers up his face until he reached his real target, the mop of silver hair he knew was lying before him. Jiaoqiu gently petted the top of it, rubbing the tufts between his fingers as he let out a sigh.

“I don’t want you blaming yourself. Never in my presence are you allowed to say that it was your fault.”

“Fine. Never again.”

A soft voice replied, and Jiaoqiu nodded his head a few times in response, dropping the hand that was tangled in Moze’s hair. The moment his fingers were gone, he felt a tightness well up in his throat. He didn’t want to be alone, the idea of falling asleep in this bed was terrifying. But asking Moze to stay with him, asking him anything seemed even scarier.

“I thought they were going to let me be alone”

Jiaoqiu decided on that response instead, letting his words escape out both quiet and soft.

“You didn’t really think they weren’t going to send me, did you?”

Moze replied gently. Jiaoqiu fluttered his eyelashes, feeling the way they softly brushed against his fingers when he felt them. 

No. I didn’t. Not since you brought me here.

He thought to himself. When Moze had brought him here, Jiaoqiu didn’t find comfort in anyone’s touch except for Moze’s. His body would thrash, and he would sob out into the darkness unless he felt those same scarred fingers brushing against his body. And so Moze had stayed with him, for every step of the way, even though he was recovering himself.

“Can I touch you?”

Moze offered quietly. Jiaoqiu knew it wasn’t an ask of pity, not one that Moze was offering because he felt like he had to be someone for Jiaoqiu to cling to. No, it had been a way for him to feel better too. Jiaoqiu wasn’t the only one who was holding onto some trauma.

“Just for a bit.”

Jiaoqiu muttered, letting his breathing stabilize. He heard a soft grunt, and then fingers were in his hair. They were gentle but clumsy, like Moze had never stroked someone’s hair before. He gently ran them through the smooth locks, starting with his scalp and working his fingers down to the end. Jiaoqiu relaxed into the touch, feeling the pain in his chest start to subside, and his body felt more and more at ease.

“Relax. I’ve got you.”

Moze said again, and Jiaoqiu didn’t doubt him. He wasn’t sure when he let himself relax so much that sleep had come to claim him, but when he awoke the next morning and Moze was still stroking his hair, he wasn’t complaining.

—--------------------------------------------------------------

Three

“I don’t want to leave. I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. It’s a beautiful day outside.”

“ I can’t.”

Jiaoqiu sighed in annoyance, feet dangling over the bed and arms swaying at his sides. He could hear Moze’s annoyed tone in front of him, but he was glad he couldn’t see the furrowed expression on his face.

“Lingsha couldn’t get you to leave, Feixiao couldn’t, and now I can’t. You have to give us something, Jiaoqiu.”

Jiaoqiu shook his head to Moze, tapping his fingers against his leg. It had been long enough that they wanted to start to take him outside, get him used to walking around and experiencing the outside world instead of being confined to these four walls. But he couldn’t.

“I don’t want to go.”

Jiaoqiu whispered, feeling like if he started to raise his voice any further he was going to burst into tears.

“Why not?”

Moze snapped, and Jiaoqiu knew he wasn’t trying to be angry with him. But nonetheless, he pursed his lips and didn’t respond. Moze gave him a sigh in response, and Jiaoqiu could hear him walking forward.

“I’m walking forward now, and kneeling down so I am eye level with your knees.”

Moze huffed. Even though he was annoyed with Jiaoqiu, he still took special care to narrate everything he was doing so Jiaoqiu could find some kind of mental picture. He felt hesitant fingers reach out, brushing against the shell of his knee.

“You always tell your patients that getting outside is one of the best ways to cure an ailment. Raises the spirit. So why don’t you want to go?”

Jiaoqiu’s lips trembled as he heard his own voice reflected back at him. Never had he thought that it was going to be this hard to take his own medical advice. Now he understood how all of his patients felt, how desperate and alone they were when he nursed them back to health.

“It’s going to be the same Xianzhou Loufu.”

“What?”

Moze questioned, a softer tone in his voice.

“When we go outside. It’s going to be the same place we docked our ship here, there’s going to be the same view that you and I would look out each night before we left for the shackling prison. The world is going to be the exact same but this time……….. this time I can’t see it.”

His voice cracked at the end, and he felt his eyes welling with tears. Moze didn’t respond for a moment, but his grip on Jiaoqiu’s knee seemed to tighten. 

“Lay down.”

Moze whispered again.

“What?”

“Lay down on the bed with your back facing me.”

Jiaoqiu hesitated for a moment, but felt himself complying, body falling backwards on the bed as he laid down facing what he assumed to be the window.

For a moment nothing happened, all he felt was the cold darkness of the room surrounding him, the only sound being his breath mixing with Moze. And then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and another in his hair. Jiaoqiu felt Moze climb into the bed next to him, and his body had arms wrapped around it a moment later. His breath caught in his throat, and he was sure that Moze could hear just how surprised he was.

“What are you doing?”

“One time only. We both need this.”

Moze whispered, clutching Jiaoqiu’s body even closer. There was so much warmth pressed against Jiaoqiu’s back he thought he was going to melt. The arms that were holding him felt so safe, like they would catch him and carry him through anything. He knew Moze could feel him crying, fingers even trailed up his face and caught the tears on his finger.

“We can go outside whenever you’re ready. And not a moment before.”

Moze whispered. Jiaoqiu nodded his head a few times, not trusting himself to form a word right now. The two laid like that for what felt like hours, in the darkness of the hotel room.

—-------------------------------------------------------

Four

“You’re a terrible cook.”

Jiaoqiu wrinkled his nose, digging the wooden chopsticks between his fingers into the steaming broth before him. He turned the two chopsticks around until they closed around a piece of beef, pulling it out from the simmering liquid.

“You don’t understand how hard it is.”

Moze growled from the opposite end of the table. Jiaoqiu couldn’t see what his face looked like, but he could assume it was pressed in the same serious expression it always was, as he glanced down at the hotpot with dismay.

“Not enough spice.”

Jiaoqiu critiqued, feeling a sly smile spread across his face.

“ Not enough spice? I added everything I could find.”

“Exactly. Do you really think making food is about dumping every ingredient you can find into a pot?”

Moze gave a huff of annoyance in response, but Jiaoqiu still raised the steaming piece of beef to his mouth. He blew on it a few times, placing it between his teeth and biting down. It was juicy, there was no doubt, but the flavors didn’t seem to go together. At least Moze had the good sense not to put cilantro in it, for that he was grateful.

“You should hear the complaints that Feixiao is lodging with the people who are making her food. I’ve never seen her more upset.”

“Well she will just have to wait a bit longer. I think when we return to the Yaoqing I can start cooking for her again. All my ingredients are back home, I may need a bit of help at first but I think I can get the hang of it.”

Jiaoqiu smiled, finishing off the piece of beef as he dove one of his chopsticks back into the broth for another. Moze didn’t say anything for a moment, and Jiaoqiu had almost wondered if he offended him with the things he said about cooking. Lingsha had been kind enough to transfer Jiaoqiu into a room with a kitchen, and it had been Moze’s idea to cook Jiaoqiu some hot pot, since he was not well enough himself.

The entire scenario was a disaster from start to finish. Jiaoqiu hadn’t realized how much of a challenge it was to give someone directions when you cannot see what they were doing. He had to tell Moze how to chop each ingredient, the temperature of the broth, and everything else, and even then they had still messed it up.

“What? Don’t tell me I offended you.”

Jiaoqiu joked softly. He heard Moze clear his throat, and for just a moment he could hear an emotional trace in his voice.

“You just…..you were talking about going back to work. And that…….that’s the first time you’ve smiled since……”

His voice trailed off, not finishing his sentence. Jiaoqiu felt a part of his face blush at the words, and his chopsticks swirled into the broth while he didn’t say anything. He was right. Nothing had given him a reason to smile recently, not even when Feixiao had entered and offered him a professionally cooked hot pot meal.

“You’re right. It was your bad cooking that did it for me.”

Moze grumbled, and Jiaoqiu heard a noise that sounded like his head was colliding with the table. Jiaoqiu chuckled at the idea of making Moze annoyed like that, but the truth was, the gesture of the hot pot was incredibly sweet. In fact, Moze had been the sweetest to him this past week than he had ever been. Jiaoqiu had been too distracted to understand what it meant between them, to read between the lines and think of it as anything more.

“I’d like to see you try and use my dagger. It wouldn’t be so easy for you, I bet.”

“Probably not. Still. You tried to cook for me. And that is more than I could have asked for.”

Jiaoqiu responded softly, dipping his head a few times at Moze. Moze didn’t say anything, the silence between them returned once again, the only noise that could be heard was the bubbling of the liquid before them.

“Can I……ask you a question?”

Moze asked quietly. He had a question that had been burning at the corners of his mind, but he wasn’t sure how to be kind, how to be sensitive. Talking around other people was something that had been lost to him. But with Jiaoqiu he never had to try. With one look at his face, Jiaoqiu knew exactly how he was feeling and would often talk to Moze. But not it was different.

“Anything.”

Jiaoqiu breathed. Moze drummed his nails on the table, looking over at Jiaoqiu’s face.

The wounds around his eyes had healed a lot, and his chest was tightly wrapped with gauze once more. Jiaoqiu was the only one who allowed Moze to change the dressing on his wounds, Lingsha had come into his room the first few days so she could instruct Moze on how to do it. Now he was mostly self-sufficient, changing the gauze in silence as Jiaoqiu made tiny wounded noises, like each touch of Moze’s fingers across his body was agony.

“What do you see?”

Jiaoqiu was caught off guard at the question. Maybe a week ago he would have had silent tears roll down his face as he thought about the fact that he no longer could see anything. But that wasn’t true, at least not fully. He couldn’t understand what he could see, it all felt muddled and hazy like it was a puzzle he hadn’t pieced together yet.

“I…….don’t know. Everything is just…..gone. I can still remember what things look like, I  can still conjure mental pictures. I know when it is light outside, and when you have pulled the curtains closed. But everything else…….”

His voice trailed off, and that was enough of an answer for Moze. The two finished their dinner in silence.

—------------------------------

Five

“The waves sound beautiful tonight.”

Jiaoqiu whispered into the night air, feeling a breeze lift the hair from his shoulders.

“Mmmmm.”

Came the only response from beside him. Jiaoqiu’s hands were lying on a rail, one he knew it was overlooking the ocean before them. This had been his favorite spot for Moze to take him since he had started to go outside. It was a quiet area, one that others hardly visited. The waves here were always loud, slapping against the rocks, and the call of the birds were able to be heard all day, and all night.

Moze had taken him here when Feixiao visited, just a few short hours ago. Her and Jiaoqiu had the first real conversation since Jiaoqiu had been found, and he had been shocked by her resolve. It was no secret that she was speaking with Moze in the shadows, both of them whispering plans that would help him get his sight back. But that all sounded so……..exhausting.

Standing right here with Moze at his side, no expectations, just the sound of the waves in his ears made him feel like he was at peace. It was the first time that he saw his lack of sight as an experience, rather than something that was hindering him. He had known when he said he was at peace that it made Moze mad, he didn’t need to see his face to understand that. And yet Moze had stayed at his side since Feixiao left, both of them sitting in silence.

“Are you angry with me?”

Jiaoqiu spoke above the waves, tightening his hands on the railing. He heard a pause, and then footsteps approached him, most likely them being Moze who was leaning his back against the railing.

“No.”

“You haven’t spoken a word to me all day.”

“Neither have you.”

Jiaoqiu pursed his lips, he supposed that was true. But he and Moze had gotten used to being together in the silence. Words had become less and less needed between them. Every night when he felt darkness grow deeper and sleep threatening to consume him, Moze would enter his hotel room without a word. He would gently walk over to Jiaoqiu’s bed and pull the blankets off of him for a moment, as he wove his way in between the sheets.

Neither of them discussed what it meant between them, or the possible consequences. They laid there until someone knocked on Jiaoqiu’s door in the morning, in which Moze would hide in the nearest shadow and let Jiaoqiu pretend he was alone. And they had said not a single word about the whole thing.

“If you’re angry with me I want to know. You’re allowed to be mad at me.”

“I’m not angry.”

“Then what are you, Moze? I heard you and Feixiao discussing ways of getting my sight back, dangerous ways. I’m not letting you two risk your lives to get it back for me.”

“So it’s okay for you to risk your life for other people, but not if we want to do the same thing?”

“It would be a waste of time. Like I told Feixiao, I’m at peace with-”

“ Do not ever say you are at peace.”

Moze snarled, his words biting through Jiaoqiu and making his hands feel numb. He instantly stopped talking, Moze had never spoken to him like this. He felt his mouth open as he searched for something to say, but nothing came out.

“You will never be at peace again. Because Feixiao and I allowed you to be placed in the most dangerous situation and we failed you.”

“You didn’t fail me. I chose to drink that poison. No one made me. And if I could do it all again, I would choose the same thing. Because that is what helped us defeat Hoolay.”

Moze didn’t say another word, and the silence returned between the two of them. Jiaoqiu wondered if he had gone too far, if he had been too harsh. He knew Moze was dealing with this in the same way he was, he had just been better at hiding his emotions. Moze didn’t want to deal with his own trauma so he seemed to cling to Jiaoqiu’s, doing everything he could to try and help the foxian. 

Even though the air was thick from the tension between them, Jiaoqiu knew Moze wasn’t going to leave. Jiaoqiu parted his lips softly, feeling the salty air on his tongue as he wondered about the color of the waves today. If he had to guess, the weather was darker and there was a chill in the air. He hadn’t felt the sun’s heat on his hair or his ears, so it must have been a chillier afternoon. That must mean the waves were rich with a deep blue color, crashing against the shore and capped with white as they spun around. 

“There is one thing I am afraid of.”

Jiaoqiu trembled, opening up a bit more.

“I’m afraid that one day, when I come to think of your face, I won’t know what you look like. I’m afraid it’ll be a blank image, and I’m left wondering how you change over the years with nothing more than a traumatic memory to remember you by. The last time I saw you.”

Jiaoqiu blinked his eyes a few times, trying to stop the tears that he knew were going to start flowing. Moze cleared his throat, but it sounded more like a noise he didn’t want to escape, one that was laced with sadness. He had no idea how to respond. He had thought about that exact moment a hundred times. In his mind, Jiaoqiu was going to get his sight back because he and Feixiao were going to do everything he could. But the reality of the situation wasn’t so simple. Most cases, Jiaoqiu would never see again. Most cases, he and Feixiao would fail, and all they would be doing is giving Jiaoqiu false hope.

“I’ll tell you. Every change I make, every detail of my face. I’ll describe it to you. I told you, Jiaoqiu. I will never let your lack of sight keep you from understanding the world around you, and I meant it. Your senses are keen. What you lack in eyesight, you make up for in everything else. And my face was never worth remembering, anyways.”

Jiaoqiu’s breath caught, and he turned towards the direction of the voice. He took a few shuddering steps forward, not knowing where he was going, but simply letting his feet guide him. He walked until he collided with a chest, one that was strong and firm, and he raised his fingers. It hurt a bit at first, the action caused the wounds on his stomach to ache, but he didn’t care. His fingertips wandered around until he felt the plush velvet of Moze’s cheek, and his fingertips grazed the skin.

“Your face is worth remembering to me.”

He whispered. He felt Moze’s chest shudder from how close they were pressed, and a moment later he could feel Moze’s cool breath on his face. He leaned down, Jiaoqiu’s hands still pressed to their cheeks, and he felt his own start to heat up. They felt like they were so close now, he could feel Moze’s breath on his lips, he could imagine Moze leaning down and looking at him. Jiaoqiu was trembling, every part of his body felt like this was right.

“I won’t ever let you forget it.”

Moze whispered, and then Jiaoqiu felt him pull away. For a moment he felt disappointed, like he really did expect Moze to kiss him at that moment. But that was a foolish idea, one that no doubt had been brought on by how much time they had been spending together. There was no way Moze was going to kiss him.

“Would you like to head inside? I gave cooking hot pot another try.”

A smile sparked on the corner of Jiaoqiu’s lips as he nodded his head.

“I would like that a lot.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------

Plus, One

“I can’t believe we are finally going home.”

Jiaoqiu smiled, arm intertwined with Moze. Moze gave him some kind of “Mmmm” sound as he guided Jiaoqiu through the hallway, leading him to the exit of the building.

“I was starting to think they were never going to let me go.”

Moze made another small noise, not like it was much to go off of. He felt Moze push open a door before them, and suddenly he was thrust into the outside world. He was surprised at how warm the breeze felt, the sun was shining down on his ears and tail, and they swished happily in response. He couldn’t believe there had been a day when he was afraid to go outside, afraid to feel the sun on his back.

“Are you afraid?”

Moze asked him softly, taking him around a corner. Jiaoqiu could hear voices around them, no doubt they were pointing and commenting at how strange of a duo the two were. He was sure everyone on the Xianzhou had heard what happened to him right now, but for the first time, he didn’t care.

“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. But I also know I will get through it. With you. A-and Feixiao of course.”

Jiaoqiu coughed the last part, realizing how intimate it had sounded. Now that the two of them were going back to the Yaoqing, things were going to go back to how they used to be. There was going to be no more of Moze climbing into his bed in the middle of the night, no more daytime strolls around the sea, and no more almost kisses. Jiaoqiu had duties to resume, as did Moze. And he was quite sure that Moze must have been tired of taking care of him now.

“I spoke to Feixiao. We agreed it would be best for me to stay by you while you get used to normal activities again. If you would accept me, of course.”

Jiaoqiu’s heart pounded in his chest, and he could feel redness creep up his neck. He looked away from the direction of the voice in his ear, hoping that Moze couldn’t see just how excited that idea made him. Spending every day next to Moze, having him guide him as he returned to being both a healer and a chef……he couldn’t think of a better way.

“I don’t……..I don’t know if I can ever be a doctor again.”

Jiaoqiu whispered, cutting the happy mood away. Moze stopped moving, he even grabbed Jiaoqiu’s arm and kept him from moving forward.

“ What did you say?”

“I…… I don’t know if I can do it. What if I make a mistake, what if I……I could do something to someone. What if I mix up the ingredients and give someone the wrong medicine?”

“You will find a way to organize the bottles. We can change the labels, make them textured so you know which is which.”

“What if my hands don’t know where they are going when I try to help someone? What if someone comes to me to stop their bleeding, and I can’t see where it is coming from and they die in front of me?”

“Your hands are more than enough of a guide. How do you understand someone’s body? By looking at it? No, by using your hands, by using your mind. Your hands know what to do Jiaoqiu, you will adapt.”

“I-It’s too much. I thought it would be fine days ago when this all felt like some kind of far off dream. But now it’s here……..”

“We will take it slow.”

Moze whispered, walking around so he was in front of Jiaoqiu. He leaned forward so Jiaoqiu could feel his breath on his face once more, and a strange sense of calm started to spread through his body, even when his mind was telling him to panic.

“No one expects you to understand it all at once. It won’t be easy, I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. You are going to have to learn, you are going to have to change. But I will be with you, every step of the way.”

“I…….won’t have to be alone?”

Jiaoqiu whispered, leaning his own body forward. He heard Moze draw in a sharp breath, and it made his cheeks tingle. His fingers ached at his sides, they ached to pull Moze close, to close the tiny distance between them, to tell Moze that everything he had done for him had been enough. His body still shivered when he thought of Hooly, those eyes drilling into his as he raked his claws along his body. All of this felt new and terrifying, but the idea of not being so alone was enough to give him hope.

“You won’t be alone.”

Moze whispered, reaching one of his hands up to cup Jiaoqiu’s cheek. He jumped a bit out of shock, but eventually he tossed his head to the side, letting it rest in Moze’s hand. Moze’s fingertips started to knead the skin, back and forth in a soft motion until his fingers had had enough, and he moved them down to gently grab the bottom of Jiaoqiu’s chin.

“What are you doing?”

Jiaoqiu breathed, his body shivering. 

“I am reaching my hand down to hold your chin, to make sure you don’t jump when I touch you. To keep you calm. I’m leaning down now, our lips are centimeters apart.”

“What else are you doing?”

Jiaoqiu squeaked out, surprised his voice was still working.

“I am going to lean in so you can feel my breath, hear my voice even closer. And then……… I am going to kiss you.”

And sure enough, a moment later, Jiaoqiu felt his lips melt against Moze’s. The kiss was soft and gentle, like Moze didn’t want to take any chances at breaking Jiaoqiu even further. He kept a soft hand on his chin to steady him, but it also gave Jiaoqiu a way out if he wanted to pull away. The kiss terrified him, it was like everything he had been thinking in his head was finally coming true. Every night they had spent together, the care they had shown each other, all of it felt worth it when their lips finally touched.

Jiaoqiu returned the kiss gently, pressing back hard enough that it made Moze let out a soft breath of shock. His own fingers found Moze’s hair, and he rubbed the strands between his fingers as the two stood there, lips interlocked, sun gleaming down on their skin. Jiaoqiu found himself so lost in the kiss that he hardly noticed tears rolling down his face, dotting Moze’s lips as he pulled away.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

Moze whispered, panic creeping into his voice. Jiaoqiu shook his head quickly, but the more he tried to deny he was crying, the more the tears started to fall.

“I just……..I never thought I would have this. I’ve always……………I have thought about what it would be like to kiss you a hundred times over the years we have known each other.”

Jiaoqiu cried softly, and he felt a strong arm behind his back, pulling him into Moze’s chest.

“Me too.”

Moze replied, so softly Jiaoqiu wasn’t sure he heard him.

“I………I had come to peace knowing that I would die without kissing you, without touching you. Healing your injuries has always been enough for me.”

“Mmmmm.”

“And now….I finally have the chance. I kissed you and……it was everything I had imagined. But…….”

Jiaoqiu drew in a breath, pulling himself away from Moze’s chest. He opened his eyes, hollow, empty yellow eyes staring at Moze, their stare not breaking for a moment.

“ I just want to see your face.”

Jiaoqiu cried, and admitting those words made him cry harder than he had in a week. Moze pulled him back into his chest, his own breathing speeding up. His hands flew to Jiaoqiu’s hair, pulling him close and rubbing circles along his scalp with his fingers.

“I……..it is smiling.”

“What is smiling?”

Jiaoqiu sniffled, pulling away so he could wipe his nose on his sleeve.

“My face. When we kissed I……..smiled. At you.”

Jiaoqiu’s breathing stopped, and the tears dried on his face. Has he ever seen Moze smile before? He always wore the same expression, had the same dead look in his eyes. Was he telling the truth?

“I would like it….if you could make me smile again.”

Moze whispered, and Jiaoqiu melted right there. He pushed his face forward clumsily, and even though it took them a few tries, his lips met Moze’s once again. He was the one initiating the kiss this time, and even though he couldn’t see, even though his hands didn’t know where to go, the kiss meant just as much as last time.

“We are late to board the Starskiff.”

Moze whispered between kisses, pulling away from Jiaoqiu’s lips.

And this time, when Jiaoqiu closed his eyes, it wasn’t darkness he saw. He could have sworn he saw Moze standing across from him, hood lying around his neck, and a smile on his face.