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It was over. Thank pizza supreme in the sky it's over. Leonardo exhaled a sigh of relief, looking at his brothers. The world faded in and out with endless noise and nausea rolled through his stomach. Clean up would not be pretty. Anxiety kept his ever fleeting mind grounded as everyone seemed to converge into a group celebration. Leonardo let himself be pulled into a group hug, smiling and laughing with his family.
The city was relatively untouched, all things considered. The slider gazed across the landscape as the people of New York flooded the streets once more. Most of the damage was contained wholly to their now destroyed home, and the hidden city.
His heart clenched tightly as he remembered Karai. Gram-gram barely had a chance to be alive because he failed her. Logically, he knew that if he were to tell his family such things, they'd almost immediately rebuttal refute that argument. Even so, guilt and grief stacked on top of each other steadily the more he allowed himself to think.
The sunset filled his chest with a sharp pain; he had to blink back the tears that threatened to push out. He couldn't fully remember all of why they'd gathered here. Leonardo leaned back as Splinter started talking. The words passed over him like molasses as he looked over at his brothers.
There was a peace that settled over the skyline. A reprieve that filled Leonardo and settled his wired bones whenever his brothers were close by.
"Blue, you're leader now!" and that peace was suddenly gone. The rug was pulled out from under Leo as he felt a cacophony of panic from his internal monologues.
What?
No!
Shit-
I don't think I can do this.
N̶͕͇̓̉ͅá̷̇ͅr̴̯͗d̷̝͋o̸͉̜̹̚-̴̰̫̓ Please- wait.
Leo felt like he was being ripped in two. Panic striking him as he tried to gauge everyone else's reactions. Everyone had some kind of look in confusion. He was scared to try and see if there was any sense of disgust. His world felt like it was tipping over, skewing on an unknown axis. Rushing waves clogging his ears.
His brain was a fount of static the rest of the day. Chest feeling indescribably hollow. His ability to regulate himself felt like it was thrown off the roof the moment his dad opened his mouth.
He didn't want to be here.
He didn't want to feel like this.
Just take a deep breath, kid. You're doing fine. Let someone else take the reigns
That didn't sound like half bad of an idea. Thanks weird voice in his head!
Leo let himself get pulled away like the crashing of waves. Everything seemed so distant and far yet impossibly close at the same time. It was like watching a movie when you're sick. Flashes of color and the recognition that something was wrong but... It felt too comfortable to fight against it.
--
He didn't have any time to think, or at least, he couldn't allow himself any time. Everything he'd ever known was destroyed. Draxum had opened his doors, but with how small the apartment is, the living situation was... cramped to say the least. Everyone constantly breathing down everyone's necks made the tension skyrocket. Searching for a new home was a surprisingly difficult task. Nearly every place they've scouted out had at least one displeased person.
They had taken some time to assess any and all injuries they might've sustained from the fight with Shredder. It... It wasn't great. Leo knew that he'd have to go Doctor mode on them soon (though that part of him just wouldn't respond no matter how much he poked and prodded. That, however, was a problem for later), but for now, he allowed himself a slight reprieve.
And yet buzzing in his brain refused to settle
"Leo, are you okay?"
It took a minute for him to remember who Leo was. That was him, right? that's who he's supposed to be right now? Why did that not feel like his actual name. Why didn't he know what he was supposed to be doing?
"Yeah, Mikey, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He tried to smile, but he could feel the way his lips unintentionally curled into a snarl. His face muscles pulling unnaturally, sending a shiver down his spine.
"You've just been staring at the wall for a while now... Do you need a talk with Dr Feelings? I know everything's been a lot the past few days but-"
"No!" He responded a little to quickly and received a deadpan in response. He scrambled to recover. "Haha No... No, everything is fine mi hermano haha. Just trying to keep track of it all. Gotta work on my very best Raph impressions," He contorted his face in a mock expression of his older brother's, eyebrow ridge drawn tight in worry and a dramatic frown stretching across his face.
His shoulders lost some tension as he got a laugh out of Mikey.
The days spent in Draxum's apartment seemed to melt together like crayons left out in the sun too long. Everything felt sticky, off, and otherwise unpleasant, as Leo struggled to maintain a cool facade over his entire world crumbling in a matter of days.
He needed an out. Some sort of distraction. A task to keep him occupied for the long hours spent waiting as they both searched, and used Donnie's algorithms to try and find a suitable home. He was certain nearly everyone was experiencing some form of cabin fever.
His twin approached him on one such brain melting afternoon. He didn't say anything, opting to gently tap on Leo's shoulder and making a gesture few could interpret as anything as other than "Follow me."
The world spun and swayed like a funhouse carnival as he followed Donnie to the bathroom. He sat down on the tub with his back facing Leo and-
Leo felt a headrush as what was happening caught up to him. He looked down at the ground, noticing his trembling hands.
God, his hands. His damned hands. Why won't they stop shaking?
Leo folded his hands, grasping tightly to his own fingers, desperate to hide his trembling before someone looked too closely and his mask fell apart.
He's not supposed to be here. He knew that for a fact. Not when Donnie slowly unclasps his battle shell to reveal the damages to his twin. The wrong twin. That level of trust feeling undeserved as vomit and bile crawled its way up his throat.
Despite it all, he steeled himself, desperate to maintain a sense of professionalism he typically holds when it comes to being the family medic.
He... doesn't know what he's doing. These hands once realigned broken bones, why is he so useless now? This isn't right. He isn't himself. He isn't anybody. Who is he supposed to be right now? Where are they? How much longer is he going to be confined to this hell?
All is silent in his mind. Echoes of nothingness rattling his bones and making the dread grow stronger within.
He's crazy, he must be going crazy! He took one too many hits to the skull and now he's never going to recover. His family better start planning a funeral.
He wonders what his tombstone will read.
Here lies
Leo
Blue
Pepino
Leonardo
Failure of a
medic
leader
faceman
brother
Donnie's shuddering shoulders shook him out of his stupor. Fuck. What was he doing? He's an idiot. Even if he doesn't know the first thing about medicine, he should at least be comforting his twin.
Reaching out a trembling hand, he gently massaged his twin's shoulder. He swallowed as he surveyed the damages once more.
"It's... not great..." That was an understatement. All the words in his brain seemed to have come to a stuttering halt. Silence echoed throughout his skull as he felt smaller and more alone than ever.
"I... I know just... Are you going to do anything? or are you just going to stare the whole time." Donnie's voice sounded raw, like he was trying not to breakdown. Guilt settled like a cold wash over him.
"I- I'm sorry Dee I-"
Donnie turns around at the sound of his pathetic, stammering, shaking voice. The hard set distant look in his twin's eyes instantly softened upon seeing him. A hand reached out only to drop it, leaving it awkwardly hanging between the two turtles.
"Hey... It's... okay..." Donnie spoke slowly and awkwardly. Seeming all together unequipped to handle the ever so quickly approaching meltdown.
Leo's beak clicked shut while trying to form a response. He twisted his mask tails rapidly between his fingers, trying desperately to calm himself down.
"I don't... I-"
He could feel his body floating away. It's a small comfort, leaving his body. A knowledge that he wouldn't have to remember or be here for much longer if he continued on this path. The world grew fuzzy and almost grey. Tension slowly melting away as he could feel himself being pulled back into the safety of his own mind.
"Leo?"
The sound of his older brother's voice sent a shock wave of anxiety down his spine. All at once he was forced back inside the body and forced to rapidly become aware of his environment.
Who's Leo?
Oh the talking is back. A small comfort. At least he wasn't alone anymore Who is he right now?
Where is Leo?
Who's even here right now?
Focus up they're looking.
He's trying. Please believe him he truly was.
I don't know, this is bad.
What's happening? His limbs felt staticky and numb. He was falling apart before he had the chance to tape himself back together.
Who's supposed to be here?
Help.
Shh quiet.
A soft voice quieted his chattering mind, demanding a listening ear from the chaos. He felt the voice direct its calming presence towards him, wherever it was.
you're okay just be yourself.
One of the kinder voices smiled in his head.
What counted as himself? He wanted to ask the kind voice, but his attention was snapped back to reality when he saw movement from the corner of his eye. His mind no longer trying to make a move to escape this flesh.
Raphael stood behind him, and if he had hair he was sure it would be standing on end. Donnie still sat in front of him, looking at him with a pity that did not belong.
He rapidly tapped his fingers on his plastron as he turned to greet Raph. He forced a smile on his face, an attempt to reconstruct is long since shattered mask.
"H-hey Raph!" the slider coughed as his voice cracked, "What's up?"
Leo elected to ignore the silent conversation that seemed to pass between Raph and Donnie. His eyes flitted between the pair, grinding his teeth waiting for a response. Did he not hear him? What's going on? Why are they so quiet? Just as he could feel himself being pulled away again, Raph decided to speak.
"You uh... wanna talk?"
No. He very much didn't. Thank you and goodbye.
"What about?" He kept his grin sharp and precise, fighting with everything he had to not show any weakness.
Why would he need to be scared about showing weakness?
Look at what you've done...
"About... y'know... What dad said." he rubbed his hands together. "Raph's just... worried about you buddy I know it's a lot but-"
"I'm okay! I've got everything under control big guy!" Shit. Fuck. He didn't mean to cut Raph off oh no no no.
Silence passed over them once again. He bit his tongue gently, attempting to look busy by shuffling various medical supplies around the make-shift med-bay (If he was who he was supposed to be, he knew he would've protested calling the spare bathroom a med-bay but what's a devil to do?). Donnie and Raph continued to have a silent conversation as he moved things to where he thought they probably should be. (Ignoring the feeling that he's never done something like this before. That sense of hopelessness and loss of skill that he was known for creating a hefty pile of shame that sat in his gut)
He grit his teeth, "Not to like... interrupt whatever is going on but-" He turns towards Donnie. "All I can really say for now is to keep your shell clean and try to not wear your battle shell that often. It could irritate it or something and that would be bad."
Donnie's head snapped towards him like he forgot he was in the room to begin with. His eyebrows furrowed in something looking like concern. Leo turned his gaze down towards the floor.
"...Okay... I-" silence cascaded once more. Donnie took a minute to collect himself before continuing. "I uh- in other news- I've located an abandoned subway station. It's far enough away from our... previous home... that I don't think we'll be at risk for continued damages or collapse. It's also significantly closer to April and Draxum's apartment building so..." His voice trailed off, staring at his tech gauntlet that had a pin on a map.
"When are we moving?" Leo looked up to gauge how Raph was feeling.
"Well pops said that as soon everyone was up and able that we should start by getting out stuff out the old lair..."
"Whatever is salvageable at least." Donnie finished for Raph.
"Right..." Leo tossed a round of bandages into the air and caught it effortlessly. "So... is everyone good to go?"
"Mikey is still asleep but-"
"Let him rest then, we can go once he wakes up."