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Today was just. No. No. Just not it. Today just wasn't a good day. Did it even count as a day? Raph didn't choose to exist today. He didn't choose to exist at all, actually, so why was he existing? Couldn't the world just pause until he could figure out what the fuck was wrong with him?
Of course not. That would be too kind. The world wasn't kind to Hamato Raphael. Never was, never would be.
Okay, okay, Raph didn't hate being a mutant- but the world seemed to hate him for it. And that sucked. But not his issue.
Because not only was he a mutant turtle the world seemed to be determined to get rid of- no, no. He was cursed with anger issues on top of that. Anger that he didn't understand. Often times didn't even know where it came from. It just- appeared. For some reason. Explosive, destructive. And while during a fight it's useful- at home, it was not.
Seriously. What was he even so mad about?
He just. Woke up wrong. To be fair, he had struggled to sleep all night long due to this awful tapping noise that just wouldn't go away- which was stupid. New York was never quiet. He heard cars honking, people shouting, heck, even explosives all the time- yet for some reason, it was this soft tapping that had made him lose it off all things. He couldn't even figure out what it was, it had been the middle of day everyone was sleeping- even Leo, for once. Moving would risk waking the oldest and Raph hadn't wanted that. He could have tried stealing Donnie's headphones, but that would have risked waking the genius instead. So he's covered his face with a pillow, mentally gone insane, then woke up the next day way too early because apparently he'd passed out at some point.
Yet he was still pissed, for some reason.
Seriously. Why? Nothing even happened!
Yet he'd snapped at Mikey when he had wished him good morning, growled at Leo when he asked him if he was okay, and almost pushed Donnie when the one in purple ran into him. Which. Even Raph knew he was in the wrong, but he couldn't help it. It felt as there was this energy and fire trapped inside his body, bubbling under his skin, begging him to destroy something, break something, do anything. At some point, the anger just grew, and grew, too much for such a small body to handle-
And Raph had locked himself into his room because he hadn't felt like dealing with a Leo lecture before training. Which also meant that he hadn't been able to have breakfast. So now he was also hungry. Which also pissed him off. But that was fair, in his opinion. Not nice for him, but fair.
Being back in his room meant back to the tapping though- whatever that tapping sound was must be from outside. Why was it still going? It was annoyed. It ticked him off. He didn't want this.
He didn't choose to be angry.
Why was he angry?
Raph stopped his pacing- just stood there in the middle of the room. It was too early to be this angry.
If he had been outside, or perhaps fighting some foot goons, at the very least- he would be able to work this anger out. He would be able to punch, kick, and shout freely as he pleased, and no one would bat an eye. But it was winter, now. Growing too cold for them to go out as often as they used to- the risk of brumation too high. All four of them had grown sluggish as it was, the training Leo still made them do felt like torture- though the leader had eased up on that too. Ah. Maybe that's why he was so angry. He'd been inside too long.
But he couldn't go outside either. It was too cold for that. And Raph actually felt pretty tired. The familiar signs of growing weak and sluggish were present- which in turn, made him mad too. Raph had always been the warmest in the family. He hated how icy-cold he got during the winter. He didn't like feeling weak. He wasn't supposed to be weak. He was the strong one, the muscle, the shield. He couldn't be weak. Stupid turtle nature-
Knock knock.
The turtle could almost hear something inside him snap. But instead of lashing out like he wanted to, he froze, shoulders tense and hands clenched. He gritted his teeth when he could hear Mikey on the other side. "Come on, dude, Leo thinks he's Batman again!"
"When doesn't he?"
"I heard that!" Leo yelled, probably from the dojo- ugh. His raised voice scratched Raph's brain the wrong way. Did he have to be so loud? Is this why Donnie hated loud noises? Because damn did the hothead suddenly understand-
"Raph?" A tap on his shoulder made him flinch- when did Mikey even get here? He growled under his breath without meaning to, making the younger take a step back.
"..." Mikey looked at him suspiciously- and with concern, much to Raph's horror. The youngest shouldn't be looking at him so softly. Not to Raph. He didn't need soft looks. "You look stupid."
Mikey didn't pout or huff, like he hoped he would. Instead, his worry seemed to deepen. "...Hey, if you're not feeling up to it I can tell Leo, he'll understand with the col-"
The older simply marched past him without a word, hissing when his shoulder brushed against the others. Why did touch feel so awful? As if this itchy, dry towel was rubbing his scales the wrong way. He heard his little brother huff behind him- but he didn't say anything. Good. Mikey should leave Raph alone. He wanted to be alone. And to understand why now the dripping sound of a faucet in the kitchen was bothering him.
He'd hoped that training at least would help him burn some energy, but no- the leader decided to take it easy, much to his dismay. Both Donnie and Leo were inside the dojo- which was way too fucking bright, Shell, had Donnie dragged their heating lamps in here, it was blinding-
"Ah. Raph. Finally." Leo smiled sweetly, but his tone drove his younger brother insane, for whatever reason. So he bit his lip and kept quiet.
"Do we really need to train today, Leo?" Mikey, who had already started complaining despite not even having started yet, threw his head back dramatically. Leo pouted.
"We need to keep up, Mikey. No slacking."
"It's just one day! Donnie is already falling asleep!"
Indeed- the genius, who Raph previously had assumed to be meditating on the floor, slouched a bit forward- and let out a quiet snore. The oldest made a face, clearly disappointed. But stubbornly, determined to follow his routine. "We'll... take it easier. But we're not skipping."
Both his younger brothers groaned, annoyed. The oldest ignored them both, instead knelt down to gently shake Donnie awake. "Dee. Wake up, bro."
Instead, the one in purple just fell forward into Leo's arms. The leader looked conflicted- Donnie definitely needed sleep, yeah. He always got the most tired when their brumation period hit. But not this much. "Donnie..." He repeated, gently tapping his shoulder.
For whatever reason, this pissed Raph off. Even their own nature was against them. It wasn't fair. Instead of voicing it, he just turned around, and went straight for a punching bag. Leo could take it easy all he wanted, Raph needed to let some anger out. No way was Fearless telling him what to do. Raph was his own person.
He didn't do his usual starting exercises as he usually would, instead he just went straight at it. Turned his neck so the bone gave a satisfying pop, pulled his arms back- and punched.
The punches started light- as Raph himself didn't even know what was bothering him today. Okay, being tired and feeling weak? Not cool. The tapping sound that had annoyed him all night and ticked him off? Terrible. But that didn't usually make him feel this prickly. It felt as if one thing, if just one thing went wrong today, he would explode. And Raph didn't want that, believe it or not.
He didn't like being angry for no reason, despite what one might think.
Because yes, Raph was always grumpy, often angry- but there was always a reason. Shredder, a fight with Leo, losing in a video game, someone pissing him off- anything. Today, however, he had no reason at all, other than a stupid tapping noise in an already loud city- so why did that have to make a difference?
Lost in thoughts, his body went on autopilot- punch left, punch right, kick, punch left, punch right, kick. Holding his breath between punches, the background noises finally fading away as it should. Well. More like he wasn't as aware of it.
Okay, yeah, Raph was also tired- maybe that just fed into the grumpy mood. But something so small shouldn't have kept him awake this long too. But he'd also been cold, and shell that had been awful, especially considering he couldn't warm himself up. Kind of sad that he was the warmest of all four, surely the other three must have been freezing? How on earth did Leo manage to stay this energetic with this weather, honestly all Raph wanted to do was to curl up into a blanket and punch punch punch-
"Raph."
A touch on his shoulder.
Get away fuck off DON'T TOUCH ME-
He turned his body away so fast, usually, Raph would have been embarrassed. But hey. Touch didn't usually make his skin crawl. Why did touch feel so wrong today?
Leo looked surprised too, lowering his hand. Behind him, both Donnie and Mikey just stared at him. There was no judgement, not at all- but Raph couldn't stop himself from imagining it was there, and looked away. This was dumb. All of this was dumb.
"...We. Uhm. Let's leave meditation for last, yeah." Leo decided, unsure of how to continue. "...How about we warm up instead? Since you started anyway."
Ah, shell. Was the leader seriously adjusting his schedule for him? Leo hated that. Raph also hated that, for whatever reason it made him feel small. No thank you. He already felt weak and pathetic, he did not need to feel small too.
"Or how about we just... leave this for later instead?" Donnie tried- at this point, Leo was getting convinced. "...Nothing bad will happen if we skip training one day, and maybe it can help you-"
"I'll warm up on my own." the hothead turned his back to them, unwilling to face his family right now. He was not stopping training just for Raph. Nuh-uh. He needed something to punch away.
This time, it was Mikey who spoke up, his voice softer. "Dude, if you don't want to we can-"
"I said I'll warm up on my own!" He snapped, raising his voice for just a moment. Like a child. Seriously?
Absolutely refusing to look any of them in the eyes, he stomped over to the bag he had been punching earlier- and just took a swing at it. Don't think Raphael, don't think.
".....Okay, Mikey, wanna go against me first so Donnie can wake up properly?"
"Uhm... yeah, okay." Even Mikey sounded worried. Mikey. The guy who lacked any kind of awareness of his surroundings. What the fuck was going on.
He couldn't even find his earlier rhythm back- did Leo have to distract him earlier? Ugh.
Punch. Hit. Kick.
Breathe. Hold-
Drip.
He punched harder, probably having popped a blood vessel at this point. He paused for a moment so he could close his eyes.... inhale.... hold.... and out.
Okay. Again.
Punch. Kick. Hit-
A yelp from behind him. The sound of someone falling on the mat. Mikey letting out a huge whine while Donnie chuckled, and got up to take his place against Leo.
...Okay then.
Try. Again.
Breathe. Hold. Out.
Punch. Kick. Hit. Punch, left, right. Kick, right. Hit.
As he went on, he punched harder, kicked more aggressively- the background, once again, turning into white noise. As it should. He was better than this, he was better than some minor distractions that kept getting on his nerves-
Drop.
The sound of metal clashing against each other before hitting wood. Ignore it, Raphael, you have other things to be mad about. Like your hunger, which is kind of your fault you were the one who left the kitchen- but he just hadn't been able to handle all the eyes on him, he'd already been annoyed as it was for no reason at all-
Tap.
Punch. Kick. Punch again. This punch burned, for whatever reason. Ignore.
Punching he could do. Just fight until you tire yourself out and the anger gets snuffed out.
Anger that shouldn't be there, but okay.
Drip.
Hit.
Granted, he was always the angry one, wasn't he? That's all he was- a machine made to fight. Useful during fights, but for anything else? At least he was a good shield.
Was he though? He'd snapped at all three of his brothers already and it wasn't even afternoon yet. Not to mention, he almost hit Donnie when they brushed shoulders- which was odd. It was just a simple, harmless touch, who reacts like that to touch?
A shout.
Hit. Punch it out, Raphael.
He punched the bag, again and again- okay, each punch had started to leave a sting, strangely, but the one in red ignored it in favor of putting more power behind each strike. His breathing had started speeding up- the flame of anger getting worse.
Because no matter how hard he punched or much effort he put behind trying to protect his family, it wasn't enough, was it? His brothers kept getting hurt, let it be because of the Shredder or his own hand,
That's something they had in common, right-?
No.
Hit.
His heart was hammering behind his plastron at this point but he didn't care. ignore it, ignore it, punch punch punch punch-
"Raph?"
Ignore.
No, he- he wasn't like the Shredder. Not at all. He only had a temper and was mad and bothered for like- no reason, actually. But that wasn't the same. He didn't hurt them on purpose. He didn't. He didn't.
Punch. Hit. Ignore the sting.
His heart beat in his ears at this point, but Raph didn't care. He punched so hard, the force of his punches swung the punching bag only more and more. There was a sound behind him- but he turned deaf to that too.
"Raph!"
It wasn't fair. He didn't- he didn't choose to be this angry. Hell, he didn't know why he was angry in the first place. He didn't choose to have this much rage. He didn't choose for his family to get hurt, every single day.
He just wanted to protect them.
Why couldn't he protect them?
Why did they have to get hurt all the time?
Hit. Punch. Push.
The turtle grunted, struggling to catch his breath from how upset he was getting- he should stop, this clearly wasn't helping- punch punch and keep punching, it's all you can do while angry, don't hurt anyone don't hurt anyone-
Push. Hit. Swing.
He tried. He tried so hard to protect them every single day- but Raph hurt them too, didn't he? It wasn't fair. He tried to be strong, he really did. His family shouldn't be getting hurt. They shouldn't. But he was the tank. The protector. he wasn't protecting them right.
Probably because of his stupid temper. It distracted him, just like right now. All he was good for was throwing punches. Fuck, he wasn't even aware of his surroundings anymore- this was what always wen't wrong! He got distracted. He didn't protect right. He couldn't protect right.
Punch sting hit burn punch punch punch punch-
"Raph, that's enough!"
Someone shouted behind him- a hand grabbed his shoulder, and made him turn around. It burned. It burned. Get rid of it, distraction, it kept him from punching, it was a distraction it burned- "Dude, stop, you're gonna hurt-"
Swing.
Hit.
Crack.
The one in red froze as soon as he felt something crack underneath his fingers.
Someone shouted, someone fell, and someone else grabbed him and pulled him away- but just before Raph could freak out over that, he was let go. There were still too many emotions bubbling under his skin- but the shock of what he had just felt had him frozen. Stunned, Raph just stood there.
His hands ached. Numbly, he rubbed over his knuckles... and looked down.
His fists were covered in blood.
That... what had just-
"Are you hurt anywhere, Mikey?" He heard Donnie ask, making his gaze snap up again, finally starting to gain awareness of his surroundings. Right. This. This was the dojo. He had been punching a punching bag.
Or.... he thought he did.
Until something, who he had assumed to be the enemy in his crazed state, had touched him.
Who had been Mikey, apparently.
Who, much to Raph's horror, was on the floor. Most likely after he fell. Holding his snout, tears in his eyes and seemingly in shock himself.
Because that swing had been completely unexpected.
Raph punched him.
That crack... had that been...?
"Let me see." Donnie murmured, on the floor next to the baby of the family- the baby who Raph was supposed to protect but hurt for no reason- gently lifting his chin up and slightly pushing his hand away- that was blood.
Not active bleeding- just a smudge of red. If Raph had been able to think, he would have realized that that's not how wounds worked. But he was too worked up over the fact that he had punched Mikey in the face- for no reason. Hard enough to hear something crack.
Thats not- he didn't-
"Raph." He heard Leo behind him, probably with another speech about how this wasn't okay- that's what Master Splinter always did, wasn't it? Remind him the anger was wrong. A fire that shouldn't be there. Put it out, put it out- but the ringing in his ears drowned anything he said out.
That, along with the sound of his racing heart.
Seriously?
He didn't-
Breathing is hard. That's fine, Raph didn't need to breathe, he didn't deserve to breathe he just hurt his baby brother for no reason again again again again again-
Just like the Shredder always did.
Before the turtle was even aware of what he was doing- he ran. Ignoring the shouts of his name behind him.
He went straight for his room, swinging the door open before slamming it shut, wincing at the volume and the sound of another pop. Great. he probably broke the door, too. Sure. Why the fuck not. That was all he was good for anyway-
Tap.
It was as if a rubber band just snapped.
He didn't mean to.
Raph stood in the middle of his room, unsure of what to do with all that energy trapped in his body. He settled on pacing, gaze wild. Predatory.
What the fuck was he even so mad about? Today had been fine. Today just started. He just started overthinking because the world got on his nerves, and what, he took it out on Mikey? Again??
He did that a lot, didn't he? Especially with the youngest but the other two as well- yell, shout, hit, punch. Was that all he knew? To punch? Some protector.
Thats not what he wanted.
His breathing grew sloppy and Raph clenched his fists, almost throwing up when he saw the red on his knuckles again. It made him wanna hit something. Break something. But he couldn't risk that. He didn't want to break his stuff. You can break Mikey's nose but not your own things?
He settled on punching the air during his pacing, swinging his arms left and right. It wasn't enough. It didn't give him the same relief punching had done- actually, maybe that's a good thing. Who knows. Raph didn't. He was too busy losing it.
Tap.
He shouted, eyes going wide and pupils now gone- and in his rage, swung his arms down, hitting his knees.
Before he even knew what he was doing, he did it again. And again. And again.
He was no protector. Couldn't even protect the others from himself.
He didn't mean to.
He kicked the air, hit his head this time- what the fuck was he even doing? He didn't care. He didn't know what to do with everything he was feeling and clearly punching something wasn't helping. He would try literally anything else, but Raph couldn't make himself calm down- what the fuck?
He hit his head again. He stopped pacing for a moment, and hit his knees this time.
What the actual fuck was he doing?
Don't care. Just do it. This felt better, for some stupid, idiotic reason. Hit it. Do something, anything.
Thinking was getting harder and harder, his thoughts quickly turning into mush- but that didn't matter. The red-banded turtle just tried to stop thinking, you can't protect them you never could you were never able to- hit.
Again.
Hit.
His hands burned.
Ignore.
Hit.
Again.
You can't protect them, you hurt them, that's all you can-
His hands were grabbed.
It burned.
"Raph, stop." Leo. That was Leo. His voice was firm, but still gentle, for whatever reason. Why would it be? He hurt Mikey. In front of him. Maybe Leo just came to yell at Raph now, who knows?
Doesn't matter- touch felt awful, let go let go Leo please let go- he pulled, growling under his breath- but Leo just wouldn't budge. "You're gonna hurt yourself. Stop."
He pulled. Raph's eyes stung, for some reason- god this was embarrassing. Could he die? He wanted to. "Fucking let me go-"
"Raphael."
Nope.
"Let me go!"
He pushed.
Leo's grip only tightened.
Oh now he was just asking for it.
Since his hands were unavailable, the one in red settled on kicking instead. The leader wouldn’t budge, however, just taking it. Arrogant, ignorant- was he that determined to yell at him?
The only reason he even managed to try and pull again was the anger that seemed to get worse again, growling under his breath. Leo didn't seem to care- he took every kick, push, growl, and scream, in complete silence. Still refusing to let go of his hands.
Raph didn't stop- not until he ran out of energy to do so. It burned, his skin itched, his mind screamed nonsense- until all that endless fuel that seemed to be keeping him going finally, finally ran out. His shouts and curses slowly softened into grumpy chirps, his pulls and kicks weakened until they completely stopped. Until he just didn't have the energy to try and fight back and just stood there, head hanging low, trying to catch his breath.
As the turtle slowly felt awareness return to him- so did the guilt. Reality slowly settling- did he just. He'd. Shell, he felt so tired. What the fuck. Must be the sleep-deprivation.
Drip.
He flinched. The grip on his wrists loosened, however. And Raph dared to look up.
...
Why did Leo have to look at him so softly? That's. Not fair. It's not fair. The younger was in no way deserving of his concern- hadn't he pushed and kicked the guy just now? And probably screamed at him too, Raph was sure that hadn't been his imagination.
He tried to pull back out of shame- but hissed when his hands hurt as soon as he tried to flex them. Confused, Raph pulled his hands a bit closer- ignoring the fact Leo still wouldn’t let go of his wrists, the older still worried he would try hitting himself again.
Much to Raph's surprise, blood wasn't staining his hands. He was bleeding. The skin seemed to have torn, especially around his knuckles.
He blinked.
...This wasn't Mikey's.
He hadn't even registered he was hurt.
His hands were gently pulled back towards his big brother, who let go of his wrists so he could let his hands slip underneath Raph's fingers, tenderly lifting his hands in front of his face. His expression softened as he turned the injured limbs- and carefully, pressed his lips on top of them, letting out a quiet, soothing churr that absolutely did not make Raph tear up.
Okay.
And Leo. Was still. Being nice. Which was stupid. Because Raph was clearly insane. But so was Leo, apparently. Being nice to someone who hurt him. And Mikey. And Donnie probably too, at some point. Seriously, did the guy have no survival skills? What would he do without Raph to protect him?
Yeah, right. Some protection.
Raph was absolutely not planning to address the fact his eyes burned, instead squeezing them shut in hopes of that icky feeling go away- but instead, it only got worse, his eyes feeling hot and heavy. He bowed head, not understanding what on earth he had done to deserve this kindness. He didn't. He was. Ugh. His voice broke as he whispered.
"I didn't mean to."
The younger was slowly, carefully, pulled close- as if the older one was afraid of doing so. That made sense. Raph was dangerous. Bad. He just woke up bad. Could he really only hurt people? Yet Leo hugged him anyway, finally pulling him in all the way. One arm around his shell, the other cupping the back of his head, pushing it into the area between his shoulder and neck.
"I know." He quietly purred in that soothing way that always made all of them melt, even if none of the younger ones would ever admit it. "I know, otouto."
"I didn't want to." Despite his mind screaming to get away, get away before you get angry and hurt him again- he buried his head into the older, wrapping his arms around his torso. But still being too afraid to squeeze.
Leo clearly wasn't, pulling him just a bit closer. "I know. It's okay."
It definitely wasn't. He shook his head, but the leader wasn't having none of that. He sighed sadly, pressed a kiss on his head, and purred. Not your fault. It's okay. Stop. Letting the hand on his head gently pet the younger. Not saying a single word about the wetness on his shoulder.
Tap.
Raph's breathing stuttered, and the older shushed him. Letting his eyes scan the room to try and find the source of the noise. Muttering after a moment. "Come on." Another kiss was left on his brow. "Let's go see Don for your hands."
Yet he didn't move. Not yet. He wouldn’t move until the younger was ready to do so.
"..." Raph's grip tightened. "...I hurt Mikey."
"Not as bad as you think." Leo patted his shell, wiped away his tears, before pulling away. Not completely, still keeping both hands on the younger, trying to lead him out of the room and into the lab. With no energy left to resist, Raph just let the older pull him. He sniffed, and wiped something wet off his cheek- ignoring the sting when he moved his hand. "We'll talk about that later, okay? Let's go to Donnie first."
He didn't know what to do other than to quietly agree.
Donnie had already been waiting in the lab, it seems. The genius was sitting at his desk, scrolling through his phone- looking up as soon as the two entered. The medkit was already opened and it's content spread on the table. He got up, motioning for Raph to sit.
Still, he just. Froze. Sensing the problem, Leo quickly asked. "How's Mikey?"
"He's fine." Donnie automatically answered, looking out the door. "His nose is just a bit red."
That wasn't right. Raph hated to admit it, but figured it was important. "...Something cracked."
"Yeah." Donnie looked unimpressed at that. He didn't even ask as he grabbed Raph's right hand, tried to bend his finger- and stopped when the older hissed. "That was you, Raphael. Sit down."
Although Raph was stunned- he let himself be pushed down. He noted the fact that Mikey wasn't in the room- something the oldest seemed to have noticed, too.
"Where did Mikey go?"
"Kitchen. I told him to get ice."
Leo rose to his feet. "Do you want anything?"
"Just the ice."
"Raph?"
"..." He shook his head. Leo's expression softened. He bent down to quickly churr to him before he turned, and left for the kitchen. Leaving the other two in silence.
All the one in red wanted to do was to run- he shouldn't be trusted to be left alone with Donnie. Donnie was too nice. But Donnie was also logical. He wouldn’t sugarcoat- he would try to figure out what was wrong with Raph. Which usually wouldn’t be a problem, but since the turtle barely knew what happened himself he wasn't sure if he could face all the tests and questions that the genius surely had in store for him.
Or maybe he was afraid? One wrong question and he would snap? Just like how-
He hissed when his hand stung. Donnie rolled his eyes, giving him. Well. A look. But he was Donnie, Raph could never read his expressions anyway.
"I warned you I need to clean the blood first, Raph."
...Ah. "Sorry."
"That's not- ugh." Whatever comment he had he kept to himself, instead focusing on his hand again. More carefully this time, the wet cloth was dapped on his hand. Now expecting it, Raph held still. He didn't know what else to do, so he just watched Donnie work.
Once whatever was left of the blood was cleaned off and Donnie was sure he wasn't bleeding, he reached out for the bottle of disinfectant next. A new cloth was grabbed, balled up, and held to the top of the bottle before Donnie turned it upside down, wetting the top of it. He grabbed Raph's hand again, and carefully rubbed the cloth over the wounds- apologizing for the sting.
Honestly. It was impressive how the younger could immediately switch to autopilot when it came to treating injuries. It wasn't great- but Raph couldn't help but be impressed about it. Kinda like how he went on autopilot whenever it came to punches.
Only what Donnie was doing was good. What Raph did wasn't. He was destructive. Now that he thought about it, a lot of what Donnie was doing was just fixing what Raph broke-
"-He's worried about you, you know."
He blinked. Raph was confused about that part- but Donnie didn't look at him, instead grabbing Raph's second hand to give it the same treatment. Maybe a good thing. Raph couldn't find the energy to look up anyway so he just hummed. "Hm?"
"Mikey." Palm turned up, flexing the fingers to make sure he hadn't missed anything. "He was worried."
...
Of course he was.
Raph looked away, and sighed. He felt tired.
He was Mikey.
Seriously, would it kill the guy to hold a grudge? His forgiving nature was sweet and all but seriously? If it had been the other way around Raph would have long yelled at him. Or ignored him. Or something.
He slumped forward, feeling ten times guiltier than before.
Well. Yeah. That's because Raph's whole personality might be broken. Mikey was probably used to it by now. Which he shouldn't be. But he was. Probably also Raph's fault.
"..." Donnie stopped. Although the older could feel the eyes on him, he forced himself to focus on his hands. Don't look up, Raph. You're calm now. Stay that way. You're gonna make yourself mad for no reason again.
"...We know you didn't mean to, Raph." The genius muttered, scooting just a bit closer. The hothead flinched.
"...Is no excuse."
"Still."
"..."
Tick.
Raph abruptly looked up with wide eyes when the sudden tap caused anger to flare up- but he froze a second after, and forced himself to sit down again. Donnie looked at him with a stunned expression- probably judging. Raph would judge, too. Stupid stupid stupid-
"..." The genius got up. Without a word, he turned around, opened a drawer- and took out a pair of headphones. Before the older could even ask, said headphones were gently pulled over his ears- the world going quiet at once.
Finally.
Donnie just smiled kindly at him- with understanding, before he refocused on his task. He did get it, didn't he? Usually, the roles were reversed. Where Donnie wouldn’t know how to deal with all his anger, when he would get overwhelmed by noise- he got his headphones. Raph would drag him into the dojo. They would punch it out.
"..." If the younger noticed him tearing up, he had been kind enough not to mention it.
The two sat in comfortable silence, even after Donnie finished up wrapping both his hands. He just moved to sit next to Raph, opened his phone, and started a game of Agario. With nothing better to do, Raph watched, leaning against each other.
Until there was a soft tap on his shoulder.
The two looked away from their game to see Mikey and Leo- the latter looking displeased while the former kept his head low. At least Leo seemed to have brought the bowl of ice- while Mikey held a plate with a sandwich. Raph lifted up the headphones.
"Bowl, please." Donnie kept his voice low as he placed the bowl on the table. Next, he took Raph's wrists, and lowered both his hands into the icy water. Even though the cold was unpleasant, the hothead didn't move away.
"Is it bad, Donnie?"
"He'll live." His eyes trailed off to the youngest- who seemed to shrink.
"I... uhm." Mikey wouldn't meet his gaze. "Made Raph a sandwich. Since he skipped breakfast. And lunch. Yours and Leo's is in the kitchen."
"You didn't make anything for yourself?"
"Not hungry."
"..." Both Leo and Donnie shared a look, the genius now understanding the leader's expression. They all very well knew Mikey's tendency to avoid food when he felt like he didn't deserve it. "We'll go get them." Muttered Donnie, the ones in purple and blue leaving again.
Wordlessly, the plate was put on the table, but Raph couldn't look at it. Seriously? Did. Ugh. Why did Mikey have to be nice? And to a monster like Raph?
He pulled his hands out of the bowl and wiped them down with the towel next to it. Mikey still just stood there, not sure what to do with himself.
"..."
Raph scooted. After a bit of thought, he patted the spot next to him.
"..." Mikey sat down. Without even letting him talk, the younger spoke.
"I'm sorry."
Raph finally looked away from his hands. "Why?"
"I made your anger worse." Mikey genuinely sounded guilty. Raph didn't know how to feel about that. "I didn't want you to hurt your hands worse."
"...How's your nose?"
"...It's okay."
The older sighed. He grabbed the plate that had been set aside, took the sandwich- and ripped it in half. Before the youngest could argue, he held out the half to him. Mikey frowned.
"I made that for you."
"And I want to share."
"But I-"
"Mikey."
"..." he took the half. Satisfied, Raph took a bite- wow that tasted good. He hadn't even realized that he'd been starving.
Mikey quietly took a bite too. After a bit of hesitation, he leaned against Raph's side, head resting on his shoulder. The older tensed, and bit his lip. Honestly, he'd been afraid of that prickly, fiery feeling making an appearance again- but it didn't. Not this time.
Good. Raph leaned back, resting his cheek on top of Raph's head. He was half-tempted to put the headphones back on, but on the other hand was afraid of not being able to hear it if any of his brothers spoke.
Besides... he had something to say. "...I'm sorry."
Mikey just nodded, and took another bite. "It's okay. I know it was an accident, dude. All good."
It really wasn't. At least Raph had managed to choke those two words out. He reached out for the headphones now. The older would give a better apology later- right now he was just way too tired to do so. But just before he pushed the headphones on, he heard the quiet mumble.
"You're a good person, Raphie."
"..." He pretended not to get choked up and just nodded. Managing to smile when Mikey chirped at him. Even after he put the headphones on, he could still feel the vibration of quiet churrs- a sound he couldn't help but copy. He was pretty sure both Leo and Donnie started churring too when they entered- judging from the gentle rumble he felt when Leo hugged him from behind, while Donnie pushed one of the plates he was holding into Mikey's hands. He looked surprised, but didn't seem to argue. Good. He should eat too.
His shook his head as he watched Mikey tear his sandwich in half too, and placed one piece on Raph's plate.
Finally, Donnie sat down, on Raph's one free side, and leaned his full weight against his shoulder. He was probably talking- but the one in red couldn't hear a word. That was fine. He rather just exist right now, anyway.
He took a bite of the half Mikey gave him this time. Honestly, he didn't know why they still dealed with him and his unexplainable rage. He didn't know what he had done to get such awesome brothers.
Despite knowing they would need to talk about this later... He was glad for it.
There was a kiss planted on the back of his head. Donnie moved- Raph could see he was reaching for his laptop, before he settled in his previous place. Mikey snuggled closer, wrapping an arm around Raph's middle, plate forgotten.
He churred, and could feel three more of the same sound around him. It's fine. He rather be soft right now instead of try to act mad again... the soft actually seemed to help calm that storm that had been bothering him all day.
Not that Raph would ever admit that.