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Tanalorr was colder than it looked.
The planet was beautiful, of that Cal had no doubt. He’d never seen such extraordinary colours blended together so seamlessly, in both the sky and the environment. Although the place was tainted by the memories of what had happened there, Cal couldn’t help but feel a sense of wonder at knowing he would get to spend his days exploring the place he would soon call home. They hadn’t discussed it, but with the compass now in their possession they would be able to travel to and from Tanalorr with ease, gathering the Anchorites from wherever they’d been scattered after the attack on Jedha and provide them with a safer place to live.
The four of them were still sleeping on the Mantis . Merrin had asked Kata where she and Bode had been planning to sleep, but the young girl hadn’t known. She’d been quiet since the funeral, and none of them had wanted to push things. They’d reassured her that she had a place on their ship and they would be looking out for her, but Cal was unsurprised to find she was a little hesitant to trust them. He didn’t blame her.
He did kill her father after all.
They hadn’t talked about it. Not really. Cal knew he would need to bring it up at some point. To apologise for being the reason she was having to grow up without parents. But it was hard for him to look at her.
When he looked at Kata, all he saw was Bode.
It wasn’t her fault of course, and the last thing he wanted to do was blame her for something her father had done. But it was hard to look at her and not think of Cere. Think about how if he’d never met Bode, Cere may still be alive. It was a harsh thing to put on a child, but Cal couldn’t help it. He was still so angry by what had happened. Angry at Bode, and angry at himself. If only he had been stronger, if he hadn’t allowed the other man to get the better of him, he could have been there to help Cere face Vader. Together he was sure the two of them would have stood a chance, or at least Cere wouldn’t have had to be alone at the end.
The funeral had been a quiet affair. Merrin had placed her hand on the small of his back, reminding him she was there with nothing more than a gentle touch. He was grateful for her. Grateful for the strength she gave him, and how she knew that what he needed in that moment was space. Space to grieve the woman who had taken him in and had become his Master. Someone who taught him so much of what it meant to be a Jedi. Greez seemed to sense that he’d needed some time alone too, because without a word he and Merrin had taken Kata back to the Mantis , allowing Cal his space.
It had been Greez who suggested they spend a few days on Tanalorr before returning to Koboh. He claimed the Mantis needed some time to recover from its journey through the Abyss, but saw it for the excuse it was. He knew there would be questions to answer when they returned, particularly from Zee who would surely want to know what Tanalorr was like, and Cal needed some time before he would be ready to talk about the events they’d experienced here.
Being forced to kill the man who was like a brother to him, allowing himself to almost be consumed by the Dark Side… it was too much.
Merrin had been there whenever he’d needed her. In the middle of the night when the only sounds breaking the silence of their shared cabin were that of his sobs, he would curl around her, taking comfort from her long fingers running gently through his hair. She never spoke, and for this Cal was grateful. He was drowning under his guilt, and her steady presence was preventing him from losing himself fully.
It became clear quite quickly that they would need to return to Koboh sooner rather than later. Their trip through the Abyss had been so fuelled by a need to reach Bode as soon as possible, they hadn’t really had a chance to prepare for a long stay on Tanalorr.
“You gonna be alright if we head out tomorrow, Cal?”
Cal looked up from his datapad to find Greez standing before him, hands on his hips and a concerned expression on his face.
“Sorry, Greez,” he said, running a hand across his face. “We should be getting back to Koboh. I’m sure you want to check on Pyloon’s .”
Greez frowned before taking a seat beside him.
“You know none of this is your fault, right kid?” The kindness in his voice was enough to bring tears to Cal’s eyes, and he blinked them away quickly, hoping the Latero hadn’t noticed.
“I just hate to see you blaming yourself,” continued Greez, pointedly not looking at him.
Cal sighed, realising that Greez was not going to go away until they talked about this. The Latero had been giving him space since arriving on Tanalorr, but he knew that wasn’t going to last forever. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the night before they departed the planet was when Greez was going to want to talk.
“How is it not my fault?” he said quietly. “If I hadn’t trusted Bode, hadn’t brought him to Jedha and told him about Tanalorr and the compass, none of this would have happened. Jedha wouldn’t have been attacked and Cere–” He cut himself off, swallowing the sob that caught in his throat.
“Listen to me, Cal. If I knew one thing about Cere, it’s that she always thought the absolute best of you. Even when the two of you weren’t seeing eye to eye, she was proud of you. Would have done anything for you. Before you came back, she would never have entertained the idea of leaving Jedha and the Anchorites, but you asked her to join us on Tanalorr and she said yes. She fought hard to protect the archive not just for the future of the Jedi, Cal, but for you .”
“I just hate that she was alone,” whispered Cal, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands. He felt as Greez gripped his shoulder gently.
“I hate that she was alone, too,” said Greez. “There is a lot I wish I’d done differently that day. I keep thinking that if I’d just forced her to get on the Mantis , not let her go back to the archive then at least she’d still be alive, you know?”
Tears began to slip down Cal’s cheeks as he too thought about what he could have done differently. He never should have gone after Bode. He should have stayed behind, helped Cere and Merrin defend the archive. They could have taken on Vader together.
Should have taken on Vader together.
He’d failed at getting the compass from Bode anyway, so going after him had made no difference.
It had only led to the death of one of the most important people in his life. Someone whose absence had ripped a hole through Cal and allowed the darkness to seep in. A darkness Cere herself had struggled with daily, even all these years later. He knew she had. She had told him as much. The Dark Side was a fight he was going to be doing battle with for the rest of his life. Merrin had gotten through to him on Nova Garon, and he’d managed to stop himself from going too far when they fought against Bode, but what if one day it wasn’t enough. What if one day he turned for good, and there was no one left to bring him back?
“I miss her, Greez,” whispered Cal, so quietly he didn’t think the Latero had heard him.
They sat together in silence, each mourning the loss of their friend. The three of them had been through so much together, and there was a lot they never got to say. Cal wished he hadn’t been so stubborn when they’d all gone their separate ways. Wished he could have done things differently, so maybe he could have had more time with Cere.
But there was no point in thinking about what he might have done differently, and had Cere been alive, he knew she would be scolding him for thinking it. She had spent too long teaching him that there was no point living in the past. That they needed to look towards the future, and to those they could still help, rather than dwelling on the people they had already lost.
Cal sat up, wiping the tears from his face. Greez squeezed his shoulder once more before standing up and stretching out his arms.
“I’m going to get some shut eye so I’m ready to pilot us back through the Abyss tomorrow.” He paused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “That compass is gonna give us a smoother ride out than we had coming in, right?”
Cal gave a small grin and nodded. “It should let us pass straight through,” he said. “Kata can probably tell you more about it than I can.”
“Speaking of Kata–” Greez nodded towards the back of the ship, and Cal saw the young girl standing in the galley, wringing her hands together. He could feel her sadness and uncertainty from here.
“Hey Kata,” he said, loudly enough so she could hear him. “Everything okay?”
She nodded, though it was clear she was lying.
“Did you want to sit down?” he asked, patting the space next to him. Kata hesitated, but came to sit beside him on the couch regardless. Greez bid her a goodnight as she passed him before disappearing off to his own bunk.
Cal leaned against the back of the couch, watching Kata carefully. The young girl was sitting on the edge of the cushion, her back rigid and looking uncomfortable. He thought she might have had a bad dream, but was unsure how to ask. He wished not for the first time that Cere was here. She had always been better at this than he was. Could make him open up to her about anything.
Deciding that he didn’t have anything to lose, he opened his mouth ready to speak, only for Kata to beat him to it.
“I dreamed that Papa stopped you and Merrin.”
Cal froze, his blood running cold. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. But then again, it could have been five weeks from now and he still didn’t think he would be ready. Truthfully, he probably would never be truly ready, but Kata had opened up to him. Had trusted him with something so personal. He could do the same.
“I’m so sorry, Kata,” he began.
She shrugged, wrapping her arms around her torso, alerting Cal to the fact she was shivering. Hesitantly, he reached out and placed a hand on her back, beginning to rub what he hoped were soothing circles. She tensed up below his touch, but he didn’t pull away.
“I’m glad you stopped him,” she whispered, not looking at him. “But–”
Cal waited, hoping his presence was enough to give her support.
“I miss my Papa!” Kata fell forwards, and Cal caught a glimpse of the tears painting her cheeks before she buried her face in her knees. Her despair was rolling off her in waves, filling the room and knocking desperately into Cal. He could feel the confusion and uncertainty swelling within her. Hatred for Bode surged through his body, surprising even him. He couldn’t understand how the other man could have made the choices that led to his daughter being alone.
Cal realised he’d been silent too long, and he hesitantly reached out to pull the young girl towards him, wrapping his arms around her and trying to provide him with the comfort he’d once received from Cere.
“It’s okay to miss your Papa,” murmured Cal. “I miss Cere.” He rested his cheek upon Kata’s curls, running a hand up and down her back, his mind racing. There hadn’t been time to properly mourn Cere before the funeral. The feel of Merrin’s arms around him, lending him her strength when he had none remaining, had been the only thing keeping him from falling too far.
As he held the trembling girl in his arms, his mind drifted back to when he’d first arrived on the Mantis , terrified and very much feeling alone. He imagined Kata was feeling something similar now that her life had been thrown into chaos. Cere had ever so slowly chipped away at his defences, teaching him that he wasn’t alone and that the crew of the Mantis would always have his back. Cal knew at that moment it was his job to teach Kata the same.
“Kata?” He realised her sobs had quietened down, and her breathing had evened out. Looking down, he saw she had fallen asleep against his chest. Carefully, so as not to wake her, he lowered her down so she was resting in his lap.
“Is she sleeping?” Cal looked up to see Merrin standing in front of him. He hadn’t heard her approach, and smiled when she met his gaze. He nodded, moving slightly to make space for her to sit beside him without jostling Kata too much.
Merrin lifted the young girl’s legs onto the couch in an attempt to make her more comfortable before taking a seat next to Cal and tangling a hand in his hair.
“She trusts you,” observed Merrin.
Cal sighed, focusing on the feel of the Nightsister’s hand. “I killed her father,” he replied quietly.
Merrin was silent, fingers scratching his scalp gently, drawing the tension out of his body and causing him to sink further down in his seat.
“Yes, you did.” She said, not offering anything further.
Cal’s mind was racing, but Merrin’s calming presence was helping him to relax. He focused on Kata’s weight in his lap, marveling at how this young girl could place her trust in him after everything he’d done.
“Cere used to do this for me,” he said after a while, breaking the silence and indicating Kata’s sleeping form. “She would sit with me if I couldn’t sleep. I never asked her to–”
“–but she did it anyway.”
Cal fell silent again, his mind filled with memories of Cere.
“You should also get some sleep,” said Merrin. Privately, Cal agreed with her, but he doubted very much whether his mind was going to quiet long enough to allow it to happen.
“Your grief for Cere will not disappear because you choose to get some rest, Cal. You will not suddenly forget her importance.” Merrin’s other hand came up to cup his cheek, directing his gaze to meet hers. “Cere would want you to take care of yourself,” she whispered. “Because if you do not take care of yourself, how can you take care of her?” She indicated the sleeping child in his lap. He looked down at Kata, only now realising how she looked at peace for the first time since they’d confronted her father.
“I’m afraid of not knowing how to help her,” he admitted, running a hand through her dark curls.
Merrin placed a gentle kiss on his lips before resting her forehead against his.
“This is what makes you a good person, Cal Kestis,” she said. “Cere believed in you until the very end. You will make her proud.”
She adjusted their positions so his head was resting on her shoulder, continuing to run a hand through his hair. Before long, he felt himself drifting off to sleep, thoughts of Cere still at the forefront of his mind. Her last words to him echoed in his ears. “ Guide her through the darkness …”
And that was exactly what he intended to do.