Chapter Text
“Sooo, uh, yea. I guess we’re dating now, man.”
Allan took one final sip of his Salty’s Philodendron Shake™. The distinctly grassy taste of it never failed to repulse him, even if Charlie hyped it up like it was a delicacy of the heavens.
“Salty’s is back”, my foot, Allan thought.
Somehow, nearly half an hour after buying it, the styrofoam cup that held Allan’s drink still remained more than halfway full. The red thing peered down, wondering if there was any sort of supernatural explanation for this phenomena.
Well, whatever the hell it was, he couldn’t care less at this point.
…Oh, right. He had to reply to Charlie. “Yeah. You said that already, Charles.”
Charlie glanced over, staying quiet, and shifted himself around on the bench even more. He seemed to grow a bit flushed, and Allan would’ve found it cute if he wasn’t so pissed off.
After that exchange was awkward silence. A familiar scene for Yellow Man and Red Thing.
The dim cracked lights of nearby shops flickered on and off. The cold wind felt harsh yet was eerily quiet, and the only sound that poked through the ambience was the howling of rabid dogs in the distance.
Well, that, and there was also the noise of a street fight ensuing just a few feet away from the couple.
The two strangers sat away from each other, distant at opposite points of a bench that was going to break at any moment. Charlie twiddled his thumbs in his hoodie pockets, and Allan kept refreshing the weather app on his phone.
Swipe down. Swipe down. Swipe down.
Chance of rain. Chance of rain. Chance of rain.
Nothing changed, no matter what.
It was just like……
“….Argh.”
Charlie’s freakish nose-head shot around to his boyfriend, alert to his cry of annoyance. He took a whole minute to respond.
“…Okay, look, dude. If you have a problem with-“ He took a break to swallow. “Excuse me, sorry. I-If you have a problem with us going to Salty’s, you could just tell me that instead of being. I-Instead of being all weird and snobby about it, y’know. I mean, I don’t think you’re snobby, but you know, with how you’re acting, I just-
“ Snobby?”
In an instant, Allan locked eyes with Charlie, gaze full of rage. Charlie gulped, and one of the thugs in the fight pulled out a butter knife, stabbing another in the heart as he twisted it.
“Yea, I mean, just how you’re acting. Not to be rude, but I don’t get why you're being cold like this. I don’t get-“
“Listen, Charlie. I’m not snobby just ‘cause I don’t want to eat this diabetic crap, you jerk. ”
Allan stood up, towering. To emphasize his anger, he threw his shake cup on the ground, much to Charlie’s clear dismay. Allan was going to call him something much worse, but wanted to have restraint with Charlie. At least for now.
He began to storm away, but Charlie was having none of it. He stood up, pacing after him.
“Wait, wait, hold on a minute! You’re the one who said you didn’t care where we went for our date, and you know it!”
The gang began to smash each other's skulls with huge bricks. Allan gave the other man a death glare, and he whipped around, pointing a skinny finger towards Charlie’s chest.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to eat at damn Salty’s again, genius. And besides, you’re the one who never shuts up about the menu changes. Why can’t we go somewhere new for once.”
Something twitched inside Charlie, a mix of buidling anger and uneasiness. A primal rage overtook him at the sound of his beloved Salty’s being debased. The fight in the back was escalating, and the thugs began to shoot at each other in tanks.
“Oh, so - so that’s the problem, right? I’m too boring for you, is that it?! I’m not smart and high brow like the great and wonderful Allan is, right?! Is that it?! C’mon, say it!”
“Charlie, it’s been a month and almost every time we talk nowadays you say the same thing. ‘i GuEsS We’Re DaTiNg NoW, MAAAAN!’ I have to carry every conversation now because all you do-“
“Okay, okay, okay, first of all, I do NOT sound like that, and second of all, screw you, dude! Can’t you see (Overlapping speech: Screw me? Screw me? Wowww. That’s rich coming from you.) I’m trying?! C-can’t you see I’m trying so hard to make this shit work, dude, and all you do is mope? (Overlapping: Mope? You’re the one who Pim said never wants to fucking do anything! You’re not even trying!) All you do is m- Yeah, mope! Like a complete asshole. I-It’s killing the vibe. It’s killing the vibe, alright? (Overlapping speech: Killing the vibe? It’s your damn issue we don’t get anywhere. How is this my fault?!) Of our whole relationship, and everytime I say I don’t appreciate it, y-you get all weird, and you say-“
“Yo. You two.”
In an instant, Charlie and Allan stopped their rowdy gay bickering. They stared down, standing face to face with a hardened ant thug who wielded a comically large gun.
“Uhhhh, hey. W-what’s up?”
It was so quiet, a pin dropped somewhere and let out a bloodcurdling scream.
“We’re trying to have a turf war over here. You two are being sorta loud.”
“….” Charlie and Allan looked at each other, then looked back down. Then looked at each other, and looked back down again.
…“Uh, sorry, sir. We can take this somewhere else if you’d like.”
“Oh, um, yeah, yeah, I appreciate it, man. Just don’t do it again, please. J-just as a politeness thing. (Overlapping speech: Oh yea, yea.)”
“No, we get it, um. We didn’t really mean to disturb your whole, uh. Y-your whole bloody public violent conflict and all that so, uh, yea, we’ll just… g-go back to my place or something, cause we can easily get out your way. Um, so.”
“Yeah, we’re sorry for disturbing you, Mister. (Overlapping speech: Yea, sorry man. Uh, Y-Yea..)”
“‘Kay. Thanks guys.” With that matter settled, the ant went back off to his battlefield, and fired off its giant Mk 153 Shoulder-Launched Multipurpose Assault Weapon (SMAW), creating an explosion so intense that all the tanks exploded into shrapnel and flesh.
Somehow, the shrieks of many an ant soldier quickly losing their lives to the pointless urban conflict managed to diffuse a bit of tension.
Charlie and Allan stood in their places awkwardly, stiffer than statues. It was easy to realize the real core of the argument when they both stopped to think about it.
Charlie pondered to himself. I mean, what Allan said was true. They had been to Salty’s together quite a few times now. It didn’t even seem that bad until Charlie thought of the time where he took their garbage out and it was filled to the brim with Salty’s bags.
Charlie peered shyly up at Allan’s face. It was corny to admit, but he hated seeing him look so stern and without a smile. He truly wanted him to be happy, and he knew what he had to do.
“Hey, um… s-sorry for calling you snobby, and all that. I didn’t really mean it, um. Yea, sorry, t-that wasn’t cool. Yea.”
Allan gave him a piercing side eye for a sec. A look that screamed “Oh, really? ”
But at the same time, the red critter just couldn’t help but let go of some resentment, after all.
After knowing him all this time, he knew that it was hard to pierce Charlie’s shell of being a distant cynic. But he was a well meaning guy, nonetheless, and it was hard to not realize how awkward he must’ve felt this whole time.
Allan loved that feeling of getting this cool guy all flustered. And besides, the face of genuine contrite he gave him was sweet in a wet stray kitten with jaundice way. So, in spite of his better judgment…
Allan sighed. “Ugh, fine. I’m still kinda mad, but I guess I was too harsh, too. Come here, you big hunk of cheese.”
Charlie’s beady button eyes lit up, and soon, the two joined for a quick hug, the iconic smile musical cue playing in the background.
The two quickly left the hug, the flames from the ant war making them sweaty, and Charlie started to speak again. “Okay, well, uh. Allan, listen. Next time, w-wherever you wanna go? We’re doing it, I swear to God.”
Allan was caught off guard, his usually narrow eyelids widening. “Really? You mean it?”
Charlie’s heart skipped a beat. “Yea, man. Anything you’d like. A restaurant, a movie, anything.”
This was all so sudden! “Hmmm, well…”
Allan thought for a while, taking a long stroll through his mind. He’d been wanting to pick the date for a while, but when put on the spot like this, he felt a bit unready. He would have to take into account the feasibility of all his options before making a rash decision.
A movie? Nothing really good was out right now, and Charlie would just gush about all the filmmaking techniques the whole time. Which was sexy, but distracting.
Daveland? Probably not, because Allan didn’t like Dave very much. He had always had a dark aura about him.
Spaghetti Disco, or its culturally appropriative boycotted Japanese spin off, Ramen Disco? Unless the couple wanted to die of E coli from both the food and the patrons, then no.
So just what else was there?
Allan kept on thinking, and eventually, using his advanced sprawling intellect and a random flier he picked up from off the ground, he discovered the perfect answer for Charlie’s question.
“Well, what about this?”
It was time to wake up before Charlie even knew it. The morning was perfect, the magnificent gold sun spotlighting the couple as they snuggled on Charlie’s creaky bed. It wasn’t much, but it was an upgrade from his floor mattress.
Gurney’s pittas and Bohemian Waxwings sung their elegant songs outside the window. The streets were filled with shiny happy people, going about their daily lives without a soul crushing care in the world.
The large nosed creature yawned and stretched, scratching his hairy belly that poked out through the end of his frumpy muscle tee.
Taking in the sloppy bedroom, he saw his clothes and Allan’s tie strewn about, and was surprised they even got any rest with all the post argument coitus they had. Allan sure knew how to work a nose.
Charlie felt himself go as orange as his favorite hoodie (cuz he’s yellow and he’s blushing), and quickly shook his head, trying to stay focused. He looked down, his cellphone having fallen on the floor.
7:59 am. A minute before they would wake for work.
Well, he might as well get Allan up. His hand reached the sausage shaped creature clinging onto him, prodding him in the cheek. “Hey. Allan, Allan. We gotta get up, m-“
In a flash, 8:00 am. Allan’s alarm rang, and he shot straight up with no hesitation. Charlie fell back off the bed, hard.
“ AH!!! Jesus H. Christ , man!”
In an instant, Allan removed himself from Charlie’s bed. No stretching, no yawning, no anything besides a quick smooch onto Charlie’s head. He shut his alarm blaring “HARD” by Sophie off, and he swiftly looked around, walking over to where his tie was on the floor. He picked it up, walked over to the ironing board, and soon set it all up to iron later.
“CharLee, You Need To Get Up And Get ReadyUh. We’re Doing Our Redo Date Today, ReMemBurr.”
Charlie gulped, intimidated (and kinda turned on) by Allan’s robotic efficiency. “U-Uh… um, okay.”
Allan’s tiny eyes scanned the whole space in a second. “This Room Is DisGusTang. You Need To Clean It UpUh. If You Need Help, I’ll Be In The ShowEr.”
He went right over into Charlie’s bathroom, shutting and locking the door. Charlie could hear him going into the cabinets and taking out the cleaning products within, turning the water on and spraying the already cleaned shower walls.
Well, there’s no point in waiting. Charlie slowly pried himself off the floor, went over and picked his clothes up, then tossed them on the ironing board.
The rest of the morning routine went at a breakneck pace for Allan, while Charlie just sorta slugged behind. Allan finished his shower just as Charlie entered the bathroom to brush his teeth. Allan brushed, flossed and finished his skincare routine as Charlie, of course, kept on brushing his teeth. Allan got to ironing his tie, putting it on and went to the mirror to insert his contacts - all as Charlie was still brushing his teeth.
“CharLee, You Need To Hurry UpUh. I Want To Be On Time So It Isn’t Weird When We Leave EarLee.”
“Look, the Boss is chill. I once came in at like, 9:00 pm, and he didn’t say anything, so I think we’re fine.”
“Sigh. Have It Your Way. I’m Going To Work WithOut Yew. Love Yew.”
“‘Kay, cool. Love you back.”
Allan kissed Charlie on the head, surprising him, then left with his things. Charlie tried to recover from that sudden attack, and pushed on doing the rest of whatever he needed to do - taking a shit, cleaning the room, getting dressed, taking his meds - and with all that out of the way, he was finally on his way to work.
He walked down the rachitic rat infested steps of his apartment, exiting through the front into the bright morning glow. He squinted his eyes, trying hard to adjust to the blinding sunlight. “Jesus, that sun…”
“AhHemmm.”
“Hm?”
Charlie’s freakish and frankly unflattering nose-head shot around to the side, and he was met with a certain red critter leaning against the brick wall.
“…Oh. You stayed behind.”
Allan hated that he needed to point out the obvious. His expression remained stone, but his pitch black orbs shifted downwards as a pink flush hit him.
“…I WanTed To Walk With Yew.”
Oh. A charmed smile came to Charlie, and he swore he saw Allan’s face grow hotter.
So damn cute. The smug look Charlie wore almost betrayed how fast his own heart was racing.
“Alright. Let’s go, dude.”
As the two of them began to walk to work, Charlie stared longingly at Allan’s hand.
“So, yea, we’re going to the aquarium later.” Charlie took a sip out of his mug. “‘Sposed to be pretty cool. I mean, Allan chose it, so of course.”
Pim’s scribbly eyes seemed to glow with shining stars at that news, hands clasped together while his nerve ending formed a heart. In typical Pim fashion, he seemed to be more excited for Charlie and Allan’s date than the two of them were.
Well, more than Charlie would care to show, at least.
“Oh, that’s wonderful , Charlie! Aquariums are filled with so much excitement and wonder! It reminds me of when my parents took me there as a wee little pollywog! Ahhh, it was the summer of ‘02…”
“Okay, Pim? Pim, if it involves you making out with your dad again, I really don’t wanna hear it, man, I’m sorry.”
“Aw. But yea, still! It’s like an Allan and Charlie ADVENTURE!”
Glep side eyed Pim from the beanbag, and threw on his Raycons to watch his Cocomelon in peace.
A skitterskitterskitter then came from them hallway, and in two frames of animation, Mr. Boss appeared in the hallway in an extravagant wedding dress. Well, the ruching was a bit off, but that’s besides the point.
“HELLLOOO, boys! I just heard a big fuss being made about a certain specialll couple’s [𝟽𝟶.𝟾𝟽𝟺 𝙳𝙰𝚈] anniversary!”
“Oh, no, M-Mr. Boss, um. They’re just going to the aquarium today, that’s all.”
“Y-Yea, that’s it. Sorry to disappoint you. Again.”
Mr. Boss didn’t even look like he cared, pupils heavily dilated like an orange cat on speed. “Psssh, date, schmate! All that matters is y’all are in love! Love wins! Our unity rules ALL! Love and peace forever, man!! WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!”
“……”
“…Hey, uh, have either of you seen, Allan?”
“Oh, uh, I think he’s like, g-gardening, or something? It’s kinda early for him, though.”
“Oh, yea, yea. He’s getting to it early, cuz. uh. I forgot to tell you, Mr. Boss, but we have to leave early today. For our sweet date, and all.”
“Oh, cool. cool. I get it, I get it. WELP! *clap* If I don’t see him later, tell Allan I hope y’all have fun today. ‘Kay, see you later boys! Teehee! (^_^)”
“Right, see you, Mr. Boss.”
“How did you say that with your mouth?”
Mr. Boss, ignoring Charlie, unceremoniously picked up his gown, shifting slowly away from the door. It took about a minute until the train of the dress and the end of his veil faded from view.
“Alright, uh.” Charlie started again. “Pim, y-you sure you gonna be able to handle whatever clients we get today without my help? I mean, I really can just stay back if - if you need it.”
“Oh, that’s rubbish, Charlie! It’s you and Allan’s special day! You should go out and enjoy it!”
“Yea, uh, I guess you’re right.” Charlie’s gaze shifted downwards, rapping his finger on the table.
He stared at the cold lemon water that sat in his lap.
It was weird. Charlie was never a fan of lemon until Allan had made him try this, saying it was good for his health in the morning. And now? He couldn’t go a day without it.
Despite seeming the more serious and uptight of the two, it was almost like Allan was the more adventurous one. Even on their last date, the whole reason he was mad is because he was sick of him and Charlie doing the same shit every date. And that wasn’t it, either.
There was the time when he pushed him to belt Celine Dion at karaoke. The time when they finally did a couples costume on Halloween. The time when Allan woke him up at night and took him to a planetarium because he couldn’t see stars in the sky.
The time when Allan tailored him a suit for the Boss’ new weekly office formal. The time when Allan told him all about the pirates and helicopter and his crazy landlord. And who could forget the classic moment when Allan finally revealed the true secret of Dr. Monster’s identity?
The more Charlie thought about it, the more he realized that Allan was actually fun to be around, a far cry from the stuffy office worker he once saw. And the more he realized why last night got under his skin.
“…Charlie? Is something the matter?”
Charlie was brought down to Earth by Pim’s voice. “Oh, um, it’s nothing, uh… I was - I was just thinking a bit, man.”
Pim’s eyes softened as he watched Charlie stare out into space from afar. He could just tell when something wrong with his buddy. “C’mon, it’s okay. You can tell me if something’s up if you need to.”
“…Ya sure?”
“ Honest. ”
Charlie’s eyes darted around to the door, and he let out a weighty sigh. Once in the clear, he scooted over to Pim, whispering. “Do you think… D-Do you think Allan’s gonna get bored of me soon, dude? Like, don’t get me wrong, I know he likes me and all, but-”
“You’re not sure if you can be enough for him?”
“…Yea. When you say it like that, I think that’s it.”
The shorter critter seemed genuinely worried. “Ohhhh, Charlie! What makes you think such a thing? I mean, even when you’re away, Allan always talks about how nice you are to him! A few horribly drab dates won’t spoil your love!”
“…Wait. He told you about our whole Salty’s thing?”
Pim’s nerve ending sprang up, alert. Him and his big mouth! “Um, w-well…”
“Christ…” Charlie held his head in his hands, not upset at Pim, but himself. “ I can’t believe I fucked it all up for a straight month . Ughhh…”
Crap. Pim had to salvage this, and quick! Allan was almost back from his morning gardening session!
“W-Well, um, Charlie. Just think about things realistically, like you always do! I mean, if Allan didn’t want to try, you guys wouldn’t still be together, right? And you know how straightforward he can be. He wouldn’t drag things out with you if he thought it wasn’t worth it!”
Pim rubbed Charlie’s back in a soft, slow circle. His tone was even gentler than normal, as if he was speaking to a client.
“Hey, Charlie? This day’s gonna make up for all the others. I just know it will. You just gotta have some faith, okay? Believe! Believe in yourself, and believe in Allan! ” He shouted the last part, and Glep cursed him as he stormed to the bathroom.
Charlie laid back. “Have faith, huh…”
He had never thought of it that way before. But unlike a lot of sappy things Pim said, this… actually sorta made sense to Charle. Maybe it was the Catholic in him.
Charlie had to both trust that this date would make Allan happy, and trust in the fact that despite all their fighting? Allan really did like him, and he definitely wasn’t done with him if he was willing to stick through all those crappy dates.
Charlie sat up, gaining a new confidence. “Y’know what, Pim? You’re right. Thanks, dude.”
“Awww, no problem, Charlie! Anything for my best buddy!”
The two gave each other warm smiles, and then smashed their lips together, kissing passionately and holding the other tight as they took each other’s breath away. Pim ran his head through Charlie’s thin hairs, petting him like a cat.
“Um, Am I InterRupTing.”
Charlie and Pim broke the kiss with a wet string of spit and casually looked at Allan, standing in the doorway with his gardening tools.
“Oh, hey, Allan. Nah, w-we were just chatting. Normal stuff.”
“Oh Okay. Well Are You Ready To GoUh.” Each syllable was punctuated with a rather pigeonlike head movement.
“Uh, yea, yea. L-Let me just go tell Mr. Boss we’re leaving, and, uh, I’ll catch you outside.”
“Okay. Bye Peam.” Allan waved bye to Pim, and as Charlie got ready to follow him, Pim smiled widely, giving him and his big schnoz a wink and thumbs up.
You got this, Charlie! that look seemed to say. Charlie flashed a thumbs up back to him, quietly hoping to God that his pep talk wouldn’t be for nothing.