Archive of Our Own ^beta

The club was packed. At least to Adam; Fulton and Portman swore it wasn’t nearly as bad as usual. The slight breathing room worked out great for their huge group. Bodies pressed together, music vibrated through every corner of the room as lights flickered in sync with the heavy bass. Charlie Conway’s 21st birthday was in full swing and everyone made it, even scattered across the country at different colleges. Everyone being able to make it and being old enough to go out, according to Charlie, might have been his only perk of having a summer birthday and having to watch as everyone else got to use a real ID when they went out the last few months.

Adam Banks leaned against the bar, sipping his drink, eyes lingering on Charlie, who was laughing and shouting something over the music with an arm slung around Fulton’s shoulder. Charlie’s smile was infectious. It could light up entire rooms. Adam had been thinking about it a lot recently. Charlie’s smile, the way his messy curls bounced when he laughed, the spark he got when he talked about his plans after college, whether that was playing hockey or coaching. It was like a gravitational pull. Adam couldn’t stop thinking about him.

It wasn’t exactly new. It started as a small feeling, back when they were teenagers—just a nagging thought in the back of his mind. Adam had chalked it up to admiration and the closeness they’d developed as teammates and friends. But the last few months had been deeper. They’d been hanging out just the two of them, spending hours texting each other, laughing about old memories, and getting real about the future. Those vague passing teenage feelings that he’d almost forgotten about shifted into something much sharper. Adam was head over heels for his teammate of the last 10 years, and he knew it.

Being around him just felt natural, easy, like they understood each other in a way no one else did. And sometimes, when they were alone, Adam could have sworn Charlie looked at him in a way that made him sure that the feeling was mutual.

It wasn’t totally a secret that Adam was smitten with Charlie. Not because Adam was broadcasting it like Goldberg did every time he fell in love with someone after a 5-minute conversation, but because Adam was still obvious in his own way. It wasn’t lost on anyone that inviting Adam anywhere with a note attached saying Charlie would be there, would suddenly open up his schedule.

“You've been ogling him all night,” Russ said bluntly, pulling up to the bar behind Adam. “Just go ask him to dance. Your pining is painful, man.”

Adam’s face flushed, and he quickly looked away from Charlie, pretending to focus on his drink instead. “I’m not pining,” Adam muttered, even though he definitely was.

Russ wasn’t buying it. “Yeah, sure,” he rolled his eyes sarcastically.

Adam sighed. “I’m just waiting for the right time,” he said, glancing at Charlie again.

The night had been perfect so far. Everyone was in a good mood, holding their liquor, and Charlie was all smiles. Adam had been waiting for the right moment to pull Charlie aside, it just hadn’t come up yet. But he was going to do it tonight, he just needed to find the right time when it wouldn’t make things awkward. And maybe drink up to it.

“And when’s that? When he’s getting married to someone else because you didn’t make a move?” Russ quipped. “Julie’s been giving me updates on your non-existent progress.”

Adam groaned and sipped down the rest of his drink. “I’m working up to it,” he mumbled.

Russ snorted, “Whatever you say, Banksy. But don’t take too long. I think Goldberg and Guy have money riding on whether or not you’ll actually ask him out tonight.”

Adam's cheeks heated up even more than they had been from the alcohol. They’re all in on this, aren’t they? That was just his luck. Next thing he knew Averman was going to be narrating his thoughts or conversation with Charlie to the whole club.

Before either of them could say anything else, Portman appeared between them, slinging an arm around both of them with that big mischievous grin. “Alright ladies,” he boomed, “it’s time for a round of shots!”

Adam was already feeling a buzz when Portman pushed the plastic shot glass into his hand.

“No backing out, Banks,” Portman warned with a smirk. “You need some liquid courage if you’re gonna make your move tonight.”

Quickly everyone else filed up to the bar and they all toasted to Charlie before downing their shots.

“Maybe just one more,” Dean giggled after everyone had finished, and just like that the bartender was pouring them more.

“Portman, you are a menace,” Connie said shaking her head but with a smile on her face as she took another shot.

Portman only smiled excitedly, “It’s Captain Duck’s 21st! No one’s walking out of here sober.”

The burn of the alcohol hit Adam hard. His nerves buzzed and the idea of asking Charlie out seemed more and more within reach. For a while, Adam stood near Averman listening to him go on about his internship in Duluth with a news channel and then he finished off another drink talking to Julie.

“What if he doesn’t like me like that?” Adam asked Julie in a moment of weakness. “What if he’s weirded out?”

“Charlie isn’t like that Adam, and besides we’ve all seen the way you both look at each other,” Julie reassured him. “And that you both drunkenly flirt with each other at every house party.”

“But what if it all goes horribly wrong?”

“Well then you put yourself out there which is a win in itself,” she said.

Adam nodded. Anytime now he would go talk to Charlie.

But first, he had to hit the bathroom.

He stumbled slightly down to the corner of the club and then back out after he did his best to keep steady doing his business.

“Your hair looks so soft,” a girl who came out the door of the other bathroom at almost the exact same time as him said.

Adam looked around but he was the only one there. The only person she could be looking at. “Me?” He asked.

“Yeah. It looks so fluffy,” she slurred. “Like a bunny.”

“Uh, thanks,” he responded with a slight smile. No one had ever said that to him before. He was used to being asked by Connie if he brushed it with an egg beater, not it looking soft. “It’s really not though.”

She shook her head in disbelief. “No. It looks amazing,” she said.

He didn’t think anything of it. Drunk girls were like that. They’re friendly and say the first thing that comes to mind. He guessed he was a bit of a drunk girl himself at the moment. “You can touch it if you want,” he found himself offering. “I mean as long as you washed your hands in there.”

She seemed to light up at that.

Adam thought it was just going to be a quick pet and he’d be on his way stumbling back to the Ducks but then all her fingers were laced through his hair and the alcohol he’d been sipping all night hit him hard. His eyes started to droop.

The next thing he knew her lips were on his. Or more so that his lips were inside hers and her tongue was licking the backs of his teeth. His eyes shot open and he tried to pull away but he was backed up to a wall. And then it was like he froze. He just stood there as her tongue pushed further into his mouth like she was trying to reach far enough to trigger his gag reflex. It didn’t feel real.

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t pull away. He couldn’t say stop. He was paralyzed like he couldn’t do anything.

She didn’t stop. She may have pulled away for just a second to catch her breath but she was back to licking the inside of his mouth before he could process it.

Then the running of her hands all over his body started to register. She tugged at his waistband, but he didn’t stop her. He was too stunned, maybe too drunk to do anything.

He didn’t even know her name and one of her hands slipped into his boxers and wrapped around somewhere reserved for a small list he hadn’t put her on. She didn’t seem to notice. She stroked him slowly for what felt like forever, never disconnecting from his esophagus. He wanted to tell her he needed to go or at least for her to slow down. But he couldn’t breathe, and his body stayed frozen.

And then it stopped. She said something about how he wouldn’t remember this tomorrow that he wasn’t able to process, took his hand, and wrote on his arm in dark purple lipstick. Then she was gone. Another face in the crowd.

He blinked a few times, unsure about what had just happened. That was… weird. But it was fine. That was the kind of thing that happened at the club. A girl found him attractive, he should be flattered. He wiped his mouth on the inside of his shirt.

Adam wandered back to the group, finding them where he’d left them, laughing and dancing around just like they had been. He put a smile back on his face. Everything was great. He was out with his friends who were his favorite people in the whole world. Someone thought he was attractive. He was getting out there. If things didn’t work out with Charlie he wouldn’t be alone forever. It was a good thing. It was a flattering, good experience, at least that’s what Adam told himself.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time.

‘Mom’ read in big letters across the top of the screen. Out of all the times for a buttdial, it just had to be then. He quickly ended the call. At least it was way past her bedtime but Adam still said a silent prayer that she didn’t wake up to a compromising message.

Adam continued toward the other Ducks. He took a seat next to Julie where she was sitting at the bar waiting to order another drink.

“You’re not gonna believe what just happened,” Adam said with a chuckle, his voice slurring. “Some girl just like, made out with me out of nowhere. And I’m pretty sure I left my mom a voicemail of the whole thing.”

Julie raised an eyebrow, seemingly not quite sure how to respond. “What? Who?”

“I dunno, some girl,” Adam said, waving a hand like it didn’t matter. “She was all over me. Just like grabbed me, y’know?”

Julie’s face tightened but Adam barely noticed. His thoughts were jumbled and the alcohol made it hard to focus. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, it was nothing.” Adam forced a laugh. “Kinda funny right? Think she gave me her number.” Adam lifted his arm a little, gesturing to the smudged lipstick.

Julie didn’t laugh. Adam watched over the bar uncomfortably. He was drunk but not drunk enough that he didn’t notice that Julie’s gears were turning, but he wasn’t sure why.

“Are you going to call her?” Julie asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” Adam said.

Then the bartender was taking his order. And another shot was passed to both of them. He didn’t know who it was from but he wasn’t going to turn down a cherry bomb.

They moved from the bar to another crevice of the club where it was a mix of standing, sitting, and underwhelming dancing. Adam glanced towards the edge where Charlie and Jesse were conversing since Jesse had just arrived. Adam thought about going over there especially since he hadn’t seen Jesse in so long but in a way that was different than before, he didn't want to talk to Charlie.

He scanned and saw someone in the distance talking to Guy and Connie. Adam turned around quickly.

“That’s her,” he said lowly to Julie.

Julie looked past Adam to where he was previously staring. Adam drank down the rest of his drink quickly.

“Hey,” Julie said as Connie walked up to her side, Adam tensed up and kept facing forward hoping he was unrecognizable. They spoke back and forth but Adam didn’t hear any of it over the deafening environment. “We’re going to move bars,” Julie told Adam after Connie walked away.

“What? Why?” Adam asked. Last he noticed everyone looked like they were still having fun. The way she was looking at him, he was nervous it was because of him.

“We’ve been here a while, we need a change of scenery,” Julie said.

Adam wasn’t sure how true that was but he wasn’t opposed. They all stumbled to the next bar. Adam went to the bathroom at the next bar, this time tagging along with Ken Wu, not completely comfortable going alone.

He scrubbed off the purple lipstick that resembled a phone number in the sink. Adam had no intention of getting in further contact with the person who wrote it there, and he told himself that was fine. That was what people did. They went out, they had random hookups, they had fun. He felt weird about it because he was going to talk to Charlie. That was it. It felt a little like cheating, but it wasn’t like he was actually dating Charlie so it was fine.

Adam down another drink, and then another beer someone in the group left on a table they found and claimed. He played bags with Dwayne, Jesse, and Luis. They stayed until last call. But Adam didn’t talk to Charlie at all. He didn’t ask him out and the determination he had even before they went out was gone. The closeness they’d built up for months had suddenly seemed unreachable.

Sunday morning Adam nursed his hangover. He got a later start than he was used to since he’d become accustomed to early morning hockey practices over the years. He fixed himself a coffee and after that carried around a Gatorade while he worked on some chores and then studied for the LSAT he was still debating on taking. His phone buzzed throughout the day. He made plans to hang out with Jesse while he was in town.

He didn’t respond to any of Charlie’s daily ramblings. He told himself he’d get back to them when he had the time. He called his mom a little too enthusiastically in hopes of gauging if she heard anything compromising on the message he accidentally left when he butt-dialed her. Luckily itseemed like she had no plans to listen to it. He couldn’t believe that happened. That he had accidentally called his mom during a make-out session. That was something that happened in the movies, not in real life. At least he had a funny story to tell. Otherwise, it was a totally normal day and so was the next day.

“Man, I can’t believe we’re almost adult-adults,” Jesse groaned, sitting on Adam’s couch. “Last year before a nine-to-five.”

“Maybe for you,” Adam joked.

“Did you decide on if you’re still doing hockey? Or are you going to school forever?” Jesse asked.

“I still don’t know, but I have to make a decision soon.” Adam shifted on the couch. “I’ve been putting it off. I’ve always wanted to go all the way but I just get injured so easily. And law school feels like it could make a difference, you know?”

“Yeah I get that,” Jesse nodded. “Law school is no joke. But you’re kind of a two-worlds kind of guy, maybe you could pull off both?”

“Be a hockey-playing lawyer,” Adam raised his eyebrows with a disbelieving smile. “I’m not so sure about that one.”

“Hey Bombay did both… kinda,” Jesse said a bit uncertainly.

“Emphasis on ‘kinda’,” Adam quipped.

They both chuckled.

“True, whatever went on, it worked out for him in the end,” Jesse said. “By the way you didn’t tell me much about Charlie’s birthday. I was late, but I still want the dirt.”

Adam leaned back on the couch thinking back a few nights. “It was a pretty wild night. You know how it is with Portman. No one’s walking out sober when he takes charge.”

“Yeah, that tracks,” Jesse said with a smirk. “Anything interesting happen… anything romantic? Maybe with a non-smoking, a little over 6-foot, Leo?”

Adam's smile faltered knowing what Jesse was getting at. He still hadn’t talked to Charlie, but he did have a funny story. “Not quite with a 6-foot Leo. Something else did happen though.”

“Adam Banks, you are a player!” Jesse said scandalized. “Spill it.”

Adam chuckled trying to shake the slight discomfort that came with remembering the incident. He almost cringes remembering her slimy tongue licking at the inside of his cheeks. “Nah, it’s not like that. It was kind of crazy actually. Some girl just kind of made out with me out of nowhere. One minute I’m coming out of the bathroom, the next she’s all over me.”

Jesse raised his eyebrows, leaning forward on the couch intrigued, “What just like that? Out of nowhere?”

“Pretty much,” Adam shrugged. “She said something about my hair but I thought it was just drunk talk and then—bam— her tongue was halfway down my throat. Even left her number on my arm in lipstick. It was like something out of a bad rom-com. But here’s the kicker, somewhere along the way I called my mom during it.”

Jesse laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “That’s nuts. So what, you think you’ll call her?”

Adam shook his head, the smile on his face slipping a little. “I don’t think so. It was all just… weird. I mean, I guess it’s flattering and all, but it’s really not my thing.”

Jesse’s curiosity was piqued as Adam trailed off. “Weird how?” He asked.

Adam scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t know, it was just… surprising. It all happened so fast, and I didn’t really have time to react.”

Jesse’s expression shifted more seriously. “Hold on. Did you even want to kiss her?”

Adam blinked, caught off guard by the question. He hadn’t really thought about it. It was just something that happened. A wild story to share. But now thinking about it, how fast it all happened and how he didn’t feel like he could pull away, his stomach twisted.

“I… I don’t know,” Adam finally said, a slight frown forming on his face. “I didn’t really get a chance to think about it. It just… happened, you know?” He looked down at his hands, suddenly fidgeting with a loose thread on the couch.

“Did you actually like it, though?” Jesse pressed gently. “Did you want her to kiss you?”

Adam sat quietly, the knot in his stomach tightened further. Jesse’s question echoed in his head like an earworm playing on repeat. The air in the room suddenly felt heavy between them and he wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t really stopped to consider if he’d liked it. The memory of her lips forcing his mouth open and the way he’d felt unable to move had seemed unimportant and her hand in his pants, more confusing. It was the alcohol, he’d sent her mixed signals, being at the club it was expected. Thinking about it, it didn’t feel funny anymore.

“I guess I was just there,” he admitted quietly. “I didn’t stop her, but… I didn’t exactly want it either. I mean, I didn’t even know her name. I was too drunk to react. I guess, I didn’t really feel like I could. But… maybe it felt nice in a way? Like I was wanted or something.”

“I don’t know man, it just sounds like you weren’t that into it,” Jesse said seriously, his playful tone long gone.

Adam stared down between his socked feet. “Let’s talk about something else,” he said tightly.

“Okay, let’s change gears,” Jesse agreed, sensing the shift in Adam’s mood. “How about the upcoming season? Any updates on the team? Are you guys gearing up for another run?”

Adam appreciated Jesse’s attempt to lighten the atmosphere. “Yeah, we’re working on some new plays, and it looks like we might have some solid new recruits. Coach is optimistic.” He forced a smile, trying to redirect the conversation, but the earlier topic lingered in the back of his mind like a stubborn itch. “We have a clinic coming up that I’m helping out with this week.”

“Nice! That should be fun,” Jesse said, smiling.

They fell into a more comfortable rhythm, discussing their upcoming plans and joking about their friends. But a feeling that he was uncomfortable in his own skin nagged at Adam. He couldn’t stop thinking about the girl who’d touched him where he hadn’t given her permission to and her pierced tongue.

He thought about it late into the evening. Hours after Jesse had gone home. He hadn’t wanted that. He didn’t like it at all. He hadn’t liked her at all. Thinking about her tongue prodding inside his mouth made him feel disgusting. The thought of where her hands had slipped made his skin crawl. It wasn’t a funny story anymore.

It felt wrong. All of it. But he wasn’t sure why it was bothering him so much. He told himself over and over again it was just something people did, but it didn’t make him feel better or less confused. As he lay in bed unable to sleep, he replayed it over and over in his mind. Why did he tell her she could touch his hair? Why didn’t he just say ‘thanks’ and go back to his friends? Why hadn’t he said something when she got closer? Why did he let her? Why didn’t she ask him if it was okay first? Why did she think he wanted that?

He was supposed to talk to Charlie that night. Ask him out. He’d been so sure. So ready. But now, he didn’t even know if he wanted to anymore. His world felt thrown off its axis. He had been so enchanted with Charlie but that felt like something that belonged to another version of him. Now he hadn’t even responded to any of his texts. He didn’t want to see Charlie and the prospect of talking to him was anxiety-inducing to the point that it made him nauseous.

Why was he overreacting so much?

He stared at the ceiling. His thoughts churned relentlessly. It was just a kiss. A bit of a handsy kiss but a stupid drunken kiss. So why couldn’t he shake the feeling that something had been taken from him? That he didn’t want to talk to Charlie anymore or anyone at all?

Worse things had happened to people. Worse things to him even. He didn’t say no, he didn’t stop her. She must have thought he was into it. He didn’t do enough to make her think otherwise. But she also didn’t ask. She didn’t give him a chance. He couldn’t, he was too stunned, too drunk. But if she had asked him he would have said no. Even in his drunken state. He had wanted someone else. He didn’t even know her. Still didn’t know her name. But she had done it like it was nothing. Like it didn’t matter what he wanted.

He turned to his side curling in on himself, hugging his knees to his chest. His mind was a storm, every thought louder than the last.

If it wasn’t a big deal, why did it feel like this?

A sickening idea left a chunk of ice freezing in his chest. His breath hitched. He wrestled with the word in his mind. Could what happened be considered assault? His heart raced. Assault was something worse, something violent, something that happened to people who fought back. Not people who froze up and then tried to laugh it off. He hadn’t heard of anyone else laughing after. But he wasn’t laughing anymore.

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Adam blinked them away, frustrated with himself for being this upset over something that should’ve been nothing. But it wasn’t. It had shattered him.

He pulled his blankets tighter around himself and buried his face into the pillow, trying to push everything away. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He should’ve been talking to Charlie, making plans for the weekend or after the camp they were running. He should have been having dreams about what it would finally be like to go on a real date with someone who would have lasted more than a few weeks. Instead, he hadn’t slept all night and felt uncomfortable in his own skin.

It was all wrong. Her lips on his, her hands on him, and the way he had frozen. Maybe he had smiled through it, maybe he laughed, but it wasn’t because he wanted it. It was because he didn’t know what else to do.

It was too much. His chest ached like it was being squeezed from the inside. He needed to talk to someone, anyone to ground himself. His dad had always been a voice of reason, someone who could calm him down, and make things make sense. So, he grabbed his phone, scrolling through the contacts until he landed on his dad’s name. It was only a little past 6am, but his dad worked early and he was always up by then.

The phone rang twice before his dad picked up. “Adam? Everything alright?”

Adam hesitated, gripping the phone tighter. “Uh, yeah. I mean... not really. I just—something happened at Charlie’s birthday. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“What’s going on? You’re not in any trouble, are you?” His dad asked, slightly alarmed. He was always jumping to conclusions that Adam had messed up somehow.

“No, nothing like that,” Adam said, trying to decide how to explain. "I’ve been… confused. There was this girl at the club, and I don’t know… she… she kinda just, um, made out with me and got a bit handsy. I didn’t stop her. I was really drunk and I think maybe she thought I was into it, but… I wasn’t."

Adam’s stomach twisted with uncertainty. It sounded so stupid, so miniscule when he said it out loud and he didn’t know how to convey what was wrong.

“Well, you know… awkward situations like that happen sometimes,” his dad spoke after a lengthy pause. His voice was steady but lacking the concern that Adam had hoped for. “It sounds like you had too much to drink and things got a little out of hand. It happens. People do stupid stuff when they’re drunk. We’ve all done things we regretted in the morning after a night out.”

Adam blinked, gripping the phone even tighter. "Yeah, but it wasn’t just that I was drunk. She just… did things, and I didn’t want her to. I didn’t even know her, Dad. I didn’t—"

"Adam," his dad interrupted gently, but firmly, "you were at a club, and everyone’s drinking. Maybe you weren’t sure how you felt at the moment, and now you're regretting it. Happens to everyone. Maybe you’re just not that experienced with this kind of stuff yet, you know? It’ll get easier. You’re a good-looking guy, women are gonna come onto you. It’s part of life.”

The memory was still racing in a blur. He wasn’t overly experienced, but he’d been with girls and guys before. It hadn’t been like that. It was something he was there for but it wasn’t something he did. But it felt like the more he tried to explain the less clear it felt. The more silly he felt for feeling the way he was.

There was a growing lump in Adam’s throat. “Yeah, I guess… but I wasn’t there for that. I was there for Charlie, you know? I didn’t want that to happen.”

A silence stretched between them. Adam could almost hear the train of thought going from station to station in his dad’s mind. “Right, Charlie,” Mr. Banks said carefully, as if he were treading on thin ice. “So is this kiss affecting your chances with him? He thinks you like this girl or he’s mad?”

“No, it’s not like that. I don’t think Charlie even knows. He… It’s just…” Adam’s voice faltered. He hadn’t thought about what Charlie might think, and now the potential ways Charlie could react if he found out was just another thing to worry about.

His dad sighed, clearly trying to be patient but not understanding. “Adam, listen. You’re probably overthinking this. Sometimes things happen that you don’t plan for, it doesn’t have to mean anything. You said yourself that she thought you were into it. She probably just got the wrong idea.”

The lump in his throat made it hard to swallow and his eyes burned. This wasn’t what he needed to hear. He felt worse. It was like his dad wasn’t even listening, wasn’t understanding. He hadn’t made a mistake—something had happened to him. But now, with his dad brushing it off, he started to doubt himself. Maybe he was making too big of a deal out of it. Maybe he was overreacting.

“I just don’t think she should have put her hands down my pants without asking,” Adam’s voice trembled, frustration and vulnerability coloring his words.

There was a heavy silence on the other end of the line after Adam’s last words. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat, wondering if he’d said too much, or if maybe this would finally make his dad understand. But the pause that followed didn’t feel reassuring. It felt like the moment just before the letdown.

His dad exhaled, his voice now cautious, almost unsure. “Adam, I’m not saying what she did was right. That’s—yeah, that doesn’t sound okay. But… I mean, maybe she was drunk too. People get carried away in those situations, and you didn’t stop her. It’s just… complicated.”

Adam bit down hard on his lip. He wanted to scream. Hot tears started to creep down to his cheeks. He didn’t stop her, but she should have asked, shouldn't she? “Yeah okay,” he breathed out. He needed this conversation to end before he slammed his head through the wall. “I have to get to hockey soon.”

“Okay, just remember I’m here if you need to talk more, Adam. You’re not alone,” his dad said, but the reassurance felt distant, like a lifebuoy thrown into an ocean that seemed to swallow him whole. Adam had never felt so alone.

He barely managed to mutter a “yeah” before ending the call. He dropped the phone onto his bed and rolled over, curling up into himself. The tears flowed faster and he didn’t fight them. He stared at the wall and let them fall off his face onto his sheets. His dad didn’t understand. No one did. Maybe he was crazy, maybe he was overreacting. But it didn’t stop the feeling that he was drowning.

He pulled his blankets tighter around himself and buried his face into the pillow, trying to push everything away. A quiet sob escaped his lips. He felt so lost, so alone. His dad’s words echoed in his mind, telling him it wasn’t a big deal, that it was just part of growing up. He probably thought it was a good thing, Adam wasn’t completely naive to the fact that his dad was rooting for him to settle down with a girl. He never explicitly said that he had a problem with Adam’s preference for the same sex but he didn’t have to.

Adam let the tears keep falling, muffling his sobs into the pillow as the weight of everything pressed down on him, leaving him feeling even more alone than before. He really did have to get to the rink soon. He had to run the clinic with the other seniors. But he was exhausted and all he wanted to do was stay in bed, maybe actually fall asleep, disappear under the covers, and never come out.

He got to the rink early. He’d always been the type to be on time and enthusiastic to get to work, but he just wanted today to be over even though it hadn’t even really started yet. The rink was still mostly empty, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the walls as he made his way toward the equipment room. He’d agreed to help run the clinic for the younger players, but after the sleepless night he’d had, he wasn’t sure how he’d get through it. He was bone-tired, both physically and mentally. His mind was still a tangled mess and every thought was weighing him down.

With no one around to tell him what to do yet, Adam busied himself with some basic setup to avoid thinking too much. He grabbed a few stacks of cones and a couple of agility ladders, dragging them over to the far end of the rink. He told himself it was better to keep moving, better to stay occupied. He spread the cones in a zigzag pattern and set up the ladders, meticulously spacing them with more precision than necessary. He even wiped down the workout mats, taking his time, hoping that if he focused hard enough, he could block everything else out. But no matter how intently he worked, the gnawing feeling in his chest didn’t go away.

Players started to arrive, seniors like him, along with the younger kids filtering in, excited to be on the ice.

Adam managed to greet a few of his teammates, keeping his tone casual enough that no one seemed to notice how off he felt. He caught sight of Guy and Charlie across the rink. Normally he would have gone over to them but their figures reminded him of what he’d been trying to file away for the day. It was like he’d been running on autopilot since the night of Charlie’s party, and now he felt like he was barely holding on.

Adam avoided meeting Charlie’s eyes, unable to bear the thought of being near him. He hoped that maybe, once the clinic started and he had something to focus on, it would be fine. Maybe, if he pushed through, it would go away.

The clinic started smoothly enough. Adam ran his group through warm-up drills, his voice loud and clear as he guided a group of younger players through skating techniques and passing exercises. On the outside, he seemed fine, like the calm, collected leader he needed to be today. But the exhaustion from not sleeping was dragging him down. His legs felt sluggish beneath him, and he had to fight to keep his focus on the drills.

The noise of the kids shouting, the sharp claps of sticks against the ice, it all started to blend together. Adam felt himself becoming increasingly distant. He felt like he was moving in slow motion and everything else was moving normally around him. It was all going too fast and he was losing his grip on the present. His head throbbed. His mind kept slipping back to the night of Charlie’s birthday, to the moment in the club that had upended everything, to the suffocating conversation with his dad.

He couldn’t do this.

His chest felt tight, and the ice under his feet seemed unstable like it might crack open at any moment. Adam scanned the rink, looking for his coach. He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe.

He handed his group off to one of the other upperclassmen and tracked down his coach behind the bleachers.

“Coach, can I talk to you quick?” Adam asked.

“Yeah Adam, what up?” His coach replied.

“I need to go home,” Adam said outwardly plainly with a blank face, despite the tornado that was tearing him apart inside.

“Wha…” His coach looked at him questioningly. “Why?”

“I- I don’t-” Adam had planned to say he just didn’t feel good– that he was sick, but suddenly he couldn’t breathe. His breath quickened and he keeled over trying to suck in air.

The coach's eyes widened. “Are you okay?” He asked urgently.

Adam nodded, squatting and hovering with his head down towards the floor. It was all happening so fast. “I’m fine. I just need a second,” he gasped.

It felt like he was dying. Like a hole had popped in his lungs or he was having a heart attack, but it wasn’t that. He was panicking. This was stupid. He didn’t even know why this was happening. He was fine. He really was. He just didn’t feel good.

“What’s wrong?” His coach asked, alarmed.

Adam’s breath quickened again and tears bit at his eyes. It really wasn’t that big a deal. “Something… happened to me over the weekend,” Adam said before he could think to say he just wasn’t feeling well.

“Do you want to talk about it?” The coach stared at him with pitying eyes that Adam hated.

Adam shook his head frantically, he already said too much. He did not want to talk about it with his college hockey coach. If it were Bombay maybe but still probably not, he didn’t need another person to explain drunken mistakes or make him feel like he was going crazy over nothing. All he wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and shut everything out.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” He wiped his eyes and then wrapped his arms around himself trying to get a hold of his air intake. “I just need a second.” He said hoping the coach would get the memo and leave him alone to collect himself.

“Do you want me to get you water?” The coach asked, not hearing the underlying prayer in Adam’s words.

He shook his head less frantically and held onto the wall to steady himself.

“I have one in the locker room. I just need a second.” He just wanted the coach to go away. To let him get his bearings because having a middle-aged man staring at him with worry while he hyperventilated did nothing to alleviate the pressure pushing down on him.

“Are you sure?” The coach asked.

“Yes, I’ll be fine in a second,” Adam gasped maybe a little more aggressively. “Can I go home?”

“Of course,” Coach said softly, no longer pushing. “Go home, get some rest. But if you ever want to talk, my door’s open.”

The coach seemed to be looking over his shoulder at Adam the whole time he walked away but once he was out of view Adam let out a huge breath he didn’t even know he was holding. The tears rushed out. He let out a sob.

He tried to catch his breath. In and out until it finally slowed down.

His heart was still beating the speed of a hummingbird’s wings when he walked right out the front door of the rink, still in most of his gear that he hadn’t bothered to take off in his rush to get out.

The walk home felt like a blur. His legs moved automatically, one step after the other, in his socks. He carried his skates home in one hand. His mind was somewhere else; still spinning and caught up in the mess of everything he was feeling. If he wasn’t so burnt out with a one-track mind focused on his exhaustion, he’d have been embarrassed about breaking down in front of the coach.

By the time he reached his apartment, he didn’t care about anything. He dropped his skates on the floor, peeled out of his leftover hockey gear and dirty socks, and collapsed onto his bed, burying himself under the covers. He didn’t let the weight of the day crash over him. Unlike the night before the exhaustion took him into sleep and he laid there for hours in the silence of his room. Even when he woke up he laid there, unwilling to get up, just wanting to shut it all out.

He startled awake to a wrapping at his door. For a moment, he wasn’t sure if it was real or an echo of a dream he suddenly woke up from. But the knock came again.

Adam blinked and stared at the ceiling debating on if he should just pretend he wasn’t home.

There was a knock again. “Adam,” Charlie’s muffled voice came through the door. Adam even more wanted to ignore it. “I brought your stuff.”

Charlie was the last person Adam wanted to see, but he reluctantly got out of bed and dragged himself to the door. His hand hovered over the knob and he took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down but his heart thudded rapidly anyway.

With a sigh, he opened the door halfway. Charlie stood there, with a grocery bag full of things Adam left at the rink. His shoes poked out of the top and his phone lit up through the thin plastic.

Charlie’s hair was still tousled from leading the clinic and his face faintly flushed, probably from rushing over. “Hey,” he said softly with a small smile, holding the bag out towards Adam. “You left these behind.”

Adam’s fingers brushed Charlie’s for a split second. If it had been a week ago his cheeks would have heated and butterflies would have fluttered in his chest. Instead, a suffocating swarm made him nauseous, all he could think about was that girl.

“Thanks,” Adam murmured after he had taken the bag.

“So uh… you left pretty quickly,” Charlie said, shifting on his feet. “You doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” Adam nodded, shoving his phone into his pocket and setting the rest of the bag aside. There was a pause where neither of them seemed sure of what to say. Adam wanted to tell him to go but it felt rude and he didn’t want Charlie to think he was upset with him.

“Some of the guys are going out for dinner,” Charlie broke the silence. “I thought maybe you’d want to join us?”

Adam shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m tired,” he replied, barely looking at Charlie. “I’m gonna stay in tonight.”

He saw a flicker of disappointment cross Charlie’s face but it was quickly replaced by a tight smile. “Alright, but if you change your mind, I’ll let you know where we’ll be.”

“Thanks,” Adam said again, more quietly this time.

The silence stretched again. Adam wished he could make himself look up, could just explain what he was feeling—explain how everything was just wrong, but he didn’t completely understand what was wrong himself. It wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t understand why it felt like his sanity was slipping away or why he felt like he should lie down and curl up and die. He just wanted to be alone.

Charlie gave a small sigh. “Okay, well, if you need anything, just… call me. Or text. Or, I don’t know, throw a rock at my window.” He tried to joke.

“Yeah, I will,” Adam gave a small smile, though it was forced.

Charlie smiled back but Adam could see it was uncomfortable and didn’t reach his eyes. He gave a small wave before hesitantly leaving as if he were still waiting on something from Adam, but Adam said nothing.

He closed the door and then leaned back flat against it. He let out the deep breath that he had been unconsciously holding and slid down the oak wood and sank until he was sitting on the floor of his entryway. He sat in silence and let his eyes go out of focus. He might have cried if he hadn’t done it multiple times already that day.

He should have asked Charlie out at that bar. He should have asked him to dance when everyone was egging him on. He shouldn’t have gone to the bathroom alone. Everything would be different. He would be high as a kite on his feelings for Charlie instead of pushing him away.

A few days later, Adam found himself at a cafe with Julie, against his better judgment. She’d been insistent—persistent, even—and after her third text, he finally gave in. He sat with a small tea and a croissant that he had no desire to eat. He hadn’t felt like eating in days.

Adam’s tea grew colder with each passing minute. He had taken a few sips but it was almost still completely full. Julie chatted away about her classes, looking for an internship, and how busy she was with her own hockey team. Adam nodded along in all the right places and managed a faint smile. He didn’t feel like saying much back but he did like listening along to what Julie had to say. He just wished it didn’t feel like he was watching her through a thick pane of glass. Everything felt like that, like he wasn’t totally present and the world was moving on around him like he was in some mirror dimension.

“Hey. You’ve been quiet,” Julie asked. “You okay?”

Adam sighed, he didn’t really want to talk, but out of anyone, Julie was the person he would be most comfortable opening up to. “I don’t know. Things have been weird,” he said a bit uncommittedly.

Julie looked at him prompting him to explain.

“I don’t know,” he repeated. “I guess– I’ve been down since this weekend. About what happened at the bar.” The words come out shakier than he meant. “I tried to convince myself I liked it or that it was spontaneous or fun. But I wasn’t into it.”

“Yeah that night was a lot,” Julie replied. “I heard from Guy and Connie that they tried to kiss Guy too. Connie was there and broke it up but I think he’s kind of shaken too.”

Adam’s heart fell into a surge of conflicting emotions: confusion, anger, relief. Adam wasn’t glad about it happening to Guy, but knowing that it wasn’t just him did make him feel a little better. Like it wasn’t completely his fault. It didn’t reinforce the feeling that he led someone on or that he had done something to make them think that he wanted that like everything else had been.

“How is Guy?” Adam asked. He did want Guy to be doing well but at the same time, if he wasn’t then that meant Adam wasn’t blowing things out of proportion. What he was feeling could be something that made sense.

“He seems okay. I think he was mostly upset in the moment. I think after we moved bars and got away from that girl, it was better,” Julie said. “Some people. Seriously, what is her problem?”

Adam nodded but he was back in his own head, thinking about her lips on his and how her hands roamed too far.

“Julie,” Adam said quietly and Julie gave him her full attention. “Um… She didn’t just kiss me.”

Adam paused and looked down at his hands, unsure of how much to say. “She um… she kind of… she touched me. Like my crotch,” he said nervously, afraid he might start to tear up if he spoke too much.

Julie’s eyes widened. “That's like, assault!”

Adam sat with it for a moment and breathed in deeply. Part of him wanted to believe that. He had been craving that someone would see it as serious. That he could feel vindicated that he hadn’t been completely overreacting. But there was also a part of him that didn't want to grapple with what that could mean, and most of him wasn’t sure if he believed that it wasn’t, to some degree, his fault.

“It feels like I should have done something. I should’ve pushed her off or said no. Or something.” He didn’t look up. He felt numb talking about it but he preferred that over another panic attack or being teary eyed. “I talked to my dad about it and he kinda made it sound like it was my fault.”

“It’s not your fault!” Julie reached across the table, making sure Adam made direct eye contact with her. “It doesn’t matter if you didn’t do anything. It doesn’t make that okay. Your dad should have been supportive. And she shouldn’t have done that, period.”

Adam nodded slowly. It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought about it like that before, but hearing someone else say it and not make it sound like it was partially his fault, made it feel different. “I think my dad meant well, and I’m sure I didn’t explain the situation well. Cause it started off friendly, ya’ know? Like I was just trying to be polite and thought maybe she got the wrong idea…” Adam tried to be fair to his dad. But honestly, he was terribly hurt by his reaction and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to his dad again for a while. “And I just… I don’t know. It feels so minor. I mean, it’s not like she raped me. But I still feel so shitty.”

“It still matters. You’re allowed to be friendly without someone thinking they can cross boundaries. And just because it wasn’t worse, doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter,” Julie said firmly but compassionately. “You should have never been blamed.”

Adam swallowed hard. Her validation was beginning to settle on him like a warm blanket but he was still working on processing her words. Julie gave him room to talk more if he wanted, and although Adam was a bit hesitant since he didn’t really want to talk about it, it was nice to be able to work it out with someone who got it, who was treating him like his feelings and what he had to say deserved recognition.

“I keep thinking about Charlie,” Adam confessed, his voice shaky. “I really was going to ask him out that night. I thought things were finally headed in the right direction. But now… I don’t know. It’s like I feel all messed up and I can’t let him in anymore.”

“But do you still want to be with him?” Julie asked. “You seemed so in love with him.”

“I think so,” Adam answered slowly. He didn’t know what he wanted. “I don’t really know what I feel anymore.”

“Have you talked to him about it? I mean, not the incident specifically, but maybe how you’re feeling?”

Adam shook his head. “No, I haven’t told him about any of it.”

Julie gave him a sympathetic look. "Adam, I know this stuff isn't easy to talk about. And I totally get why you'd feel like hiding from it all. But maybe—just maybe—Charlie would want to be there for you. Even if it’s just as a friend, you know?"

Adam swallowed, the words "as a friend" struck an oddly painful chord. Deep down, he knew Julie was right, and he could sense that keeping all this inside was only making things worse. But the idea of opening up to Charlie–of him knowing what had happened, even if he would be fiercely supportive–felt terrifying. His non-existent appetite got even scarcer at the thought.

"Maybe," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

Julie, always attuned, noticed his reluctance. "Look, I know you might not be ready to tell Charlie everything right now, but just… don’t shut him out. Even if it’s just hanging out and talking about other things. Let him know you still want him around."

Adam thought about this, about letting Charlie back in even if he couldn’t yet open up fully. Maybe that would be enough. Maybe he didn’t have to have it all figured out to start putting the pieces back together. And maybe, just maybe, the feeling of being "in love" would return once he felt like himself again.

"Yeah," Adam murmured, giving her a small smile. "Thanks, Julie. I… I’ll think about it."

Julie smiled back, her relief evident. "Good. And if you ever want to talk—or just need someone to vent to who won't judge—I’m here, okay?"

He nodded, feeling grateful in a way he hadn’t in a long time. "Thank you. Really."