Chapter Text
Katsuki Bakugou knew he was in love when the thought, the very suggestion, of anybody else getting close to Izuku made him feel physically sick.
He was seventeen when it hit him, painful in a way he couldn’t explain, worse than his heart exploding, worse than the nerve pain in his arm during PT, worse than his death. It was a deep ache in his chest, and nothing at all to do with the damage to his heart. Or maybe it was, but more. The kind of pain you get with no real cause, burning hot and breathtakingly unpleasant.
It took days for it to subside. It was days of sullenness, silence, and self imposed isolation as he tried to wrap his head around it. Izuku , Izuku, Izuku , repeated in his head over and over, the image of him, the sound of his voice, even the feel of his hand in his, something they had done so briefly, yet was seared into Katsuki’s memory. It made him want to throw up, the butterflies in his stomach were so intense, remembering how Izuku’s calloused palm felt against his.
Katsuki was able to pull himself together once he worked it over and over in his head. He went to classes. He trained with Izuku and Shoto. He did his homework and assignments. Went to physical therapy. Took his medication. But it lingered.
It stuck.
It stuck to him like superglue. Katsuki didn’t dare try to pull it off, unable to bear the pain, but struggling to think coherently whenever it crossed his mind. He could feel Izuku’s eyes on the back of his neck in class, and would turn, sometimes, just enough to catch a glance of him, eyes on his work as he scribbled his notes, eyebrows furrowed. His hair had started to grow back on the right side, soft baby curls that looked ridiculous. But… Katsuki wanted to look at him. As much as he could. Take in every detail over and over until it was committed to memory. The new texture of his scars, the slow loss of his childish baby face, the shape of his eyes. The deep, deep sadness in him, having lost One for All, that no one else seemed to notice.
Of course Katsuki noticed. He knew the idiot better than anyone alive. He could see the way it was tearing Izuku up, the guilt and shame, the self loathing, but he would never say it. Katsuki could lock him in a room with some of the best therapists in the world and Izuku would never truly admit how he felt. Maybe he never would. Katsuki’s heart ached thinking of it, an Izuku who didn’t smile with real light in his eyes, who never gave himself credit. Who hated himself, despite everything.
Katsuki wanted to shake him until some sense kicked back into that ridiculous brain of his. He wanted to scream at Izuku that he deserved more, deserved everything . Deserved more than being forgotten and thrown away because he let go of his Quirk, all to save the world. The intensity of that feeling shocked Katsuki the first time he had it, and it took another few days for him to really process it, the ferocity with which he wanted Izuku to know how important he was. Important to me? Or to everyone else? Both, probably. But… differently. Katsuki knew him, saw through his bullshit and his lies, saw the raw, painful state of Izuku, but to everyone else, he was a hero. The hero. The one who saved them all.
It never went away.
Eight goddamn years, and it never went away.
The day that One for All disappeared forever would haunt Katsuki for the rest of his life. He sensed the shift, the change in how Izuku moved, saw the way his eyes widened and he stepped back mid-fight. Shoto had already started using ice to trap the villains, so the fight was practically over, but it was jarring. Katsuki was at Izuku’s side immediately, hand wrapping around his arm, gripping tight to keep Izuku in the present. His eyes were glassy and his face a mask of horror, but he was already gathering himself, hand on his chest, straightening up.
Katsuki didn’t have to ask. He looked at Shoto, who nodded and took control of the situation, handcuffing the villains as Katsuki dragged Izuku away. They were still rookies, barely out of high school, and Izuku couldn’t afford to freeze up like that in a fight. One for All was on a time limit, a short one. There was no telling how long Izuku had left with it.
They ended up in an empty alleyway, and Izuku thudded hard into the wall, eyes closed, hands clenched into fists. He was seconds from tears, his lip trembling, face screwed up. Katsuki didn’t know what to do. Panic made his heart flutter and he let go of Izuku’s arm, looking him over. No blood, no injury. The villains were armed with tasers, but Izuku was too fast for them, even without One for All at full power, and knocked a taser out of one of their hands with an incredible kick. He moved the same as always, light on his feet, almost like he walked on air, but something was wrong.
“Deku,” Katsuki said, forcing himself not to touch him. The hero name felt so different on his tongue now. “Izuku. Look at me.”
He did. Tear filled eyes, angry and sad at the same time. They focused on Katsuki, sharp and alert, tears spilling over as Izuku’s face flushed. Always such an easy crier, but Izuku knew that about himself.
“The embers,” Izuku said, crouching over with his hands on his knees, as if he was in pain. Maybe he was. Would it hurt him, physically, once they burned out forever? The thought was nauseating. “They’re… they’re almost gone.”
Katsuki’s heart dropped into his guts, leaving a hollow, black space between his ribs. They couldn’t… they couldn’t be almost gone. Izuku was so careful, slowly starting to shift from Quirk based combat to quirkless combat. He could do entire missions without it now.
“How long?” Katsuki asked, unable to hide the way his voice broke.
“Days. I think,” Izuku said. He bowed his head, messy curls damp with sweat. “I can’t… Kacchan. They’re almost gone .”
Katsuki heard the panic in Izuku’s voice, saw it in his eyes with Izuku looked up at him. Without thinking, he took Izuku’s face in his hands, pulling him up so he stood straight. They were the same height now, Izuku maybe half an inch taller, so being able to look him in the eye was easier. Izuku’s eyes were still teary and red, but the tears had stopped flowing so freely. He sniffled and wiped his face with the back of his hand.
“We should get back,” Izuku said, gently knocking Katsuki’s hands away. Not with any malice, but the idiot hated talking about his feelings, and it stung. After everything, you’re pushing me away now? Katsuki had to grit his teeth and step back to let Izuku go. He was right, they had to go back. Shoto would be done getting the villains handcuffed and passed over to the cops by now, but they needed to get back to give their statements. Katsuki watched Izuku straighten his back and push his hair out of his eyes. He was good at putting on that mask of a competent, effortless hero, even now, when he had realised something devastating. He had days left with One for All. All his life he wanted to be a hero, he wanted to help people, he wanted a Quirk, and he has days.
Katsuki felt as if he had the wind knocked out of him. It was hard to pull in steady breaths, his heart hammering dangerously fast, as he stared at Izuku’s back, his ragged yellow cape, his straight, broad shoulders. He was rooted to the ground, unable to move, eyes burning with tears. He remembered Izuku calling him Crychan in that hospital room, pretending he was okay when Katsuki could see how broken he was. Trying to convince himself that it was okay, he got what he wanted, he did what he wanted with what time he had.
Bullshit , Katsuki thought. You are a fucking liar, Izuku Midoriya. But I see you .
Katsuki took a deep, shaky breath and forced himself to follow.
It was a blur, those last days. Izuku withdrew, not talking to people, barely eating, staring at his hands and lost in thought. Katsuki watched, waiting for the ball to drop, waiting for those final embers to burn away and take the best of Izuku with them. It wasn’t fair. Katsuki wanted to scream it to the heavens that it wasn’t fair - Izuku… he deserved to be a hero. He was so good, so kind, so brave, but he couldn’t… it choked Katsuki up, thinking of Izuku watching the rest of them race ahead, climbing the rankings, while he was left to… what, be a pencil pusher? Some police clerk or a teacher, stuck behind a desk? That was a cruel fate for someone like Izuku.
Katsuki was there when the embers burned away. Part of him wished he wasn’t. They were on their way back from training together, walking along the quiet path in the dark, the campus silent and dark. Izuku had been distracted all day, and lost every match with Katsuki, letting himself get floored. There was dread sitting heavily in his gut, and he had lost sleep over it, knowing the end was near. But he never thought…
Izuku stopped in his tracks, looking up at the stars. Katsuki stopped, and watched him. The breeze ruffled his hair, and the dim moonlight made him look pale and otherworldly, some kind of being from another realm. Part of Katsuki knew what was about to happen, and he dropped his bag, going to Izuku’s side, as if he could reignite those embers himself. Could he? Or was Izuku doomed to lose his dream at eighteen years old, about to finish high school, having barely lived it at all?
Izuku looked at Katsuki. He seemed so… serene. So calm. Katsuki felt like a firestorm was swirling inside him, fear pushing him closer, itching to reach out to take Izuku’s hands, wanting to tell him so badly to hold on, to not let go of the embers. To coax them back to burning and to glorious flame.
The words stuck in his throat. Izuku lifted his right hand, looking at it, the faint green glow of One for All burning in his palm like a little fire. Katsuki reached out, wanting to protect it, knowing that once it was gone, their future was gone too. His heart jackrabbited in his chest, fear stinging his eyes, but Izuku moved his hand away, turning to the side.
He was smiling. He looked at the little flame in his hand with a sad kind of happiness, and the kind of acceptance that to Katsuki, looked like giving up. Izuku Midoriya had never given up once in his life. It broke his heart into a million pieces when Izuku exhaled shakily.
“Goodbye, One for All,” he said, so softly Katsuki almost didn’t hear it, and moved his hand, letting it go.
That was it. The last of his Quirk. The last of their future.
Izuku didn’t cry. He looked up at the sky for a long while, while Katsuki wanted to sink into the earth and die, wanted to bring Izuku with him, because what was the point of any of it, if they couldn’t be heroes together? He wanted to scream. His breathing was ragged and shaky, and his hands clenching painfully into fists.
“Why aren’t you angry?” Katsuki demanded, blurting it out before he could stop himself. Tears burned hot in his eyes, and Izuku looked at him, confused.
“Kacchan-,” he began, but Katsuki cut him off.
“Why are you just accepting it?” he said, closing the distance and taking Izuku’s shoulders. His injured arm was still weak, but Izuku winced anyway. “Why did… why did you just let it go? Why didn’t you hold onto it?”
Katsuki was crying, he realised, but not shouting. Izuku stared like he had grown three heads.
“Because I couldn’t,” he said. His voice cracked, too, but he wasn’t going to back down. “I let it go already. This was just… the rest of it. There was nothing left.”
Katsuki wanted to sob. It hurt, like a burning in his entire body, but he managed to hold it back, just enough.
Izuku touched his face, wiping away his tears.
“It’s okay, Kacchan. I’m okay,” he said, lying through his fucking teeth. “I told you. I got to live my dream. That’s all I ever wanted.”
Liar. Liar. Liar. You’re a fucking liar, Izuku.
Katsuki couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t look at Izuku. Couldn’t stomach the lies, no matter how much Izuku tried to pretend it was okay.
He turned away and walked back to the dorm, leaving Izuku behind.
He sobbed hard that night, burying the sounds in his pillow, wishing he was at home so he could scream and cry like he wanted to. The sobs were agonising through his broken and bruised body, bones still sensitive from the war, feeling the weariness of a thousand lives in his eighteen year old body. Izuku Midoriya was always going to break his heart, the bastard, but this… this was giving up. This was laying down and dying, something the Izuku he knew would never just let happen.
Katsuki wished he could go back, find Izuku before the war, tell him everything. Tell him not to give up his Quirk and just take his retirement lying down. Tell him that Katsuki needed him, that he… that he loved him, more than he could even say. That Katsuki was only alive because he loved Izuku so much that his heart wouldn’t stay dead and dormant, so long as Izuku was alive and fighting.
But Izuku gave up. And he broke Katsuki’s heart in the worst way possible.