Archive of Our Own

r/relationships · Posted by u/Rin1011 15 hours ago.

I masturbated while thinking of my rival-slash-friend-slash-roommate but I don’t want him to think I’m weird. Please help me, how do I recover from this weird feeling?

Relationships

For introduction and clarification, I am a 19-year-old male university student. I have a 20-year-old roommate who goes to the same university as me. I consider him my rival but also a friend sometimes. For the sake of his privacy, I am going to refer to him as “Lukewarm” because it fits him better than any code name I can think of right now. And by “his,” yes, Lukewarm is also male and additionally, he’s openly gay. He and I have been sharing a two-bedroom apartment since we started college.

If you’re wondering why I agreed to room with Lukewarm, it’s because I’ve known him since high school and we are quite close because we’ve been members of the same high school soccer club and even considered ourselves as rivals. I’ve known of his sexuality since high school because I’ve seen that he had a boyfriend or two. Actually, at first, I used to call him ‘Lukewarm’ as an insult but over time I grew to like him. Only platonically and as a fellow soccer player. He’s one of the few people who can keep up with my plays, which most people can’t. In fact, he’s the only person I refer to by their name, aside from my brother.

We’re pretty close I’d say. I mean, I am comfortable when he goes to my room and climbs on my bed to sleep together whenever he gets scared because I made him watch a scary movie. I like watching scary movies so I always invite him whenever I’m watching because sometimes watching him get scared is even more entertaining than the movie itself. (Funny story) One time, we watched Kubrick’s The Shining and he was scared shitless that he kept asking me to always go wherever he was, even in the shower. If you asked me if I agreed, I did partly because I was a bit apologetic to see him so frightened.

As a university student, I'm surrounded by people who are sexually active, and I believe Lukewarm is one of those individuals, which I’ll explain shortly. On the other hand, I haven't given much thought to my own sexuality or the idea of having sex with others. While I suspect I might be straight, I’ve never felt romantic or sexual attraction to a woman before so I concluded that I am most likely aromantic or asexual.

Lukewarm would occasionally, bring a guy over, but the guys he brings home are always different. One day, it was a guy with a bob cut and bleached ends; another day, a guy with single-braided pink hair and shark-like teeth; and then there was this one time, he brought home this lazy ass guy with white messy hair. I often saw them doing shit that couples do like the stuff of teasing each other, playing games, or just spending time with each other for a really long time.

Moreover, he once brought this really irritating guy with blonde hair and blue streaks, and a rose tattoo on his neck, into our apartment. He was the most annoying of them all, mainly because I remember how often he kept calling Lukewarm by his first name. What made it even worse for me was how Lukewarm just let him do it. He told me he was a foreigner and that it was common for them to address people by their first name but I couldn't care less as this was the only time I ever heard anyone address him by his first name.

I then asked him what’s with the guys he brings into our apartment and he told me that they’re just some of his close friends or groupmates in his school projects. At the time, I thought he was lying to hide his sexual life from me. Not to sound judgmental, but it didn’t seem entirely normal to me that he had so many "friends," especially guys if he wasn’t straight. It's fine with me because I'm not gay, but I thought it might be different for others, especially those whose sexuality is unclear. This led me to believe that he was probably having casual hookups whenever he wasn’t around the apartment.

Every time he brings someone home, I want to be a considerate roommate but seeing him spend so much time with those other guys fills me with anger. Every time I see one of them put their hands to him, I just want to grab them by their collar and push them out of the door. Just to clarify, I am not jealous, I am just concerned that he’s spending too much time with guys who’ll spread their idiocy to him. I know a lot of guys on our campus find him cute, I do too admittedly, so it’s more of a reason for me to be protective of him.

My breaking point in the entire thing of him bringing guys at home is when I went home from university, only to find my brother sitting on the fucking sofa with him. My brother told me he was just visiting but if he was just visiting, why the fuck is he talking with my roommate. I was angry but I didn’t lash out, of course. However, for some reason, Lukewarm caught onto my foul mood and asked me what was wrong.

The moment my brother left, I couldn't hold back any longer. I vented all the emotions I had bottled up, especially how I felt seeing him with other guys and even bringing them home. He listened quietly, then apologized, acknowledging that he should have asked me first before inviting anyone over. He promised to be more considerate in the future. I don’t know what came over me at that moment, but without thinking, I reached out to him and kissed him on the lips. It wasn’t just a quick kiss; it was an intense one, one with not just our lips but also our teeth and tongue.

I had never done this to anyone ever before but I felt so… elated when I did it with him. There was like a wave of excitement rushing through me, and I wanted more. I traced my lips way down to his neck, but he immediately pushed me away.

The rejection hit me hard. I felt completely distraught. Why wasn’t he okay with it? Was I really that unappealing to him? He told me what we were doing wasn’t right, that I wasn’t thinking clearly. He assumed that I was drunk. I was completely sober, yet part of me knew that he was right. I didn’t know what I wanted from him.

Do I want to have sex with him? No. I don't want to cross the boundaries we’ve set. Am I in love with him? Absolutely not.

I kept thinking of that kiss for several days or maybe even for a few weeks. The memory of his lips, soft and urgent against mine, lingered in my mind. I craved that sensation, the feeling of his touch, over and over. But it felt strange—almost wrong. I knew I shouldn't be thinking about him in that way, beyond the boundaries of our current relationship. I want to maintain what we have right now so I started avoiding him.

As time went on, the feeling only grew more frustrating. My mind couldn't seem to stay in check, drifting into places I didn’t want it to go. Somehow, every thought led back to him, even in my dreams. He became the subject of my wet dreams and it’s not fucking funny how I fantasize so much about him. I would wake up with the mattress of my bed and my underwear wet from some fucking white fluid. I hate it. I had to wash them so often that Lukewarm eventually noticed and asked why I was washing my mattress almost every day. I told him to stop minding my business and screw off with his boyfriends instead. He didn't respond, but he looked so hurt that I actually felt bad about it. However, I didn't apologize, I couldn’t get myself to apologize. After that, he started avoiding me, just like I had been avoiding him.

The growing frustration that I had only grew more. I found myself wanting to do things to him that I never would have even imagined before, and suddenly, I felt an intense physical reaction that I hadn’t anticipated. It was a fucking erection, one that I never had before. At that moment, I was alone in our apartment, in my room, but some part of me wished he were there.

I don’t think there’s anything unnatural with wishing so because I didn’t know how to handle the situation at hand and I wanted him to help me like how he usually does—No, I’m not talking about how I wanted him to give me a handjob or a blowjob. I don’t want him to fulfill my growing fantasies, definitely not, I can’t let that happen to us.

But eventually, I still did what my mind was telling me to do: I jerked off while thinking of him. It was sloppy but I couldn’t care less. I had to get it out of my system.

This situation is fucking killing me that I talked to someone in one of my classes about it. He told me to install this app and go to this page because apparently, people can help me here. I don’t actually like asking people for help but I’m quite desperate here. If you have any advice to help me in my situation, please tell me. I really like this guy (platonically) and I don’t want to ruin what we currently have.

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