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Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugo woke early, the sunlight streaming into his dorm room. Throwing off the sheets and climbing out of bed, he stretched lazily while looking out of his window, then closed his eyes. Feeling the warmth on his face, he took a deep breath and grinned – today was going to be a good day.

He dressed quickly and headed towards the common area. It was dead quiet in the dorms, which was unusual. He wondered where everybody was. He got his answer once he got closer to the shared kitchen – laughter, conversation, and the clink of cutlery on plates told him that the class seemed to be eating breakfast together. Without him. Assholes.

He'd just decided to go in there and tell them all to fuck off, when a delicious smell reached his nostrils. He breathed it in and grinned – he knew that smell. Pancakes! He was in a better mood already!

Wait a minute. Pancakes?

Fuck.

Bakugo sprinted down the corridor, hoping his classmates had not just made the worst mistake of their fucking lives. He burst into the kitchen, looking wildly around and spotting Kirishima. The redhead waggled the frying pan he was holding and smiled broadly.

"Bakubro! Just in time, dude! Pancakes!"

Bakugo stared at him for a moment, then slumped forwards onto the counter, laughing with relief. "Oh, thank fuck! I thought you idiots let Deku make pancakes! Oh, my God!"

Kirishima frowned slightly. "Uh, we did let Deku make pancakes." He lifted his other hand, which was holding a sponge. "I’m just doing the dishes, man."

Bakugo’s head snapped up, eyes wide, and he looked over at the tables. By now, the whole class was looking at him, too. "No!", he yelled, "Nonononononono! Deku, you shitty little nerd! Where are you!"

Deku, sitting in between Iida and Uraraka, gave a nervous chuckle; Uraraka meanwhile, jabbed her fork in Bakugo's direction. "Hey Blasty, you leave Deku alone! You're just jealous. These were some bomb ass pancakes!" Just across the table, Shouji nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah man, these were so good I turned all of my tentacles into mouths."

Bakugo looked at Shouji for a second or two, before an involuntary shudder passed through his body. "Ugh. Too much information, asshole." He looked up again, his gaze sweeping over all of his classmates. "Argh, you dumb extras just don't fucking get it! I know how good they are, I've eaten them before. It's not their fucking ridiculously fluffy texture, slightly crispy edges and all-round goddamn deliciousness that is the issue here. The fucking issue is my picture being on Interpol's website and me still not being allowed into The Vatican!"

Iida looked between the two boys, a confused look on his face. "I’m afraid I still don’t understand why you’re so upset, Bakugo. Midoriya has merely shown his generosity by cooking a delicious breakfast for his classmates."

Bakugo stalked over to the table, glaring at Deku with barely concealed rage. "Because, four-eyes", he spat, "any time this asshole makes pancakes, weird shit happens. On a monu-fucking-mental scale!" He turned his gaze on Deku, his voice shaking. "Why, nerd? Why?"

Deku shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Well, um, I just reeeeally wanted pancakes…" Bakugo’s head fell, and a single sob burst from his throat. "B-but I’m sure it’ll be fine, Kacchan! I mean, look how many of us there are! Nothing is gonna happen. Y’know. Probably."

Sero leaned forward and chuckled. "Just relax, man! Besides, we’ve been eating for a while now – if anything was going to happen, surely it already would have?"

Bakugo paused, looking up again. Tape Arms might actually have a point. Shit usually kicked off as soon as they started eating, but it still seemed pretty quiet. Maybe nothing would happen. He looked at Deku. "Actually, we’d usually already be running for our lives by now."

Sero’s smile faltered. "Uh, wait… what now?"

Deku smiled and shrugged at Bakugo. "See? It’ll be fine! Just grab a plate and relax."

Bakugo looked around the room, then appeared to relax a little. "Yeah, maybe you’re right. I mean, those pancakes of yours are pretty fucking amaz…"

Suddenly, a sound of shattering glass from outside was followed by yelling. What looked like rappelling ropes started slapping against the kitchen windows. Kaminari frowned and opened the window next to him, looking out. "Uh, quick question, Bakugo", he said, "do those guys look like ninjas to you?"

Bakugo slammed his plate down onto the kitchen bench. "AUGH, YOU GODDAMN BUNCH OF FUCKERNUGGETS!"

Chapter Text

*37 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 46.11 N  LONGITUDE 123.49 W

JUST OUTSIDE OF ASTORIA, OREGON, USA.

Another burst of machine-gun fire hit the windows, spraying safety glass everywhere. Jiro screamed and ducked, while Bakguo knocked the rest of the glass out of the frame and leaned out, firing off a bunch of AP-shots at the black helicopter following them. He stuck his head back inside and yelled.

"God-fucking-dammit, dumb hair! Can’t this piece of shit go any faster?!"

Kirishima wrenched the steering wheel, knocking the black sedan full of armed goons on their left into oncoming traffic. "It’s a SCHOOL BUS, man! Steal something faster next time!"

Bakugo growled, pulling a grenade off his belt and tossing it to Deku. "Oi, nerdface! On your right!" Deku caught the grenade and casually tossed it out of the broken window next to him, causing another black sedan to explode spectacularly. He looked around at the others, grabbing the back of the seat in front of him as Kirishima slammed the bus around a corner. "Who are these guys?"

Uraraka, sitting next to him and picking shards of glass out of her hair, shrugged. "No idea. I think they started following us somewhere in British Columbia." Across the aisle, Sero was shaking glass from his shirt as he hastily taped the window next to him. "Who the fuck are the guys chasing us? Who cares? Who the fuck is this guy?!" He jerked his head at the seat in front of him, occupied by a cowering figure.

The young man had a goat-like head, including a pair of long horns and a small goatee. He gave a nervous wave. "Um, my name’s Thomas." He looked around at the blank expressions of the others in the bus. "Uh, the intern?"

Bakugo threw back his head and groaned. "Augh, where did he come from? Y’know what, forget it. Fuckin’… welcome to 1A, Goat Boy." He stole a quick look outside the bus. "Raccoon Eyes – behind us!"

Ashido stood up, sighed, then kicked out the rear window of the bus. The black sedan behind them swerved, but to no avail as it was hit by a wave of acid, exploding in an orange fireball. Ashido turned around and dusted off her hands before slumping down in the back seat, inbetween Todoroki and a sleeping Mineta. "So, does anyone know why these guys are after us?"

Todoroki looked around in confusion. "I would have thought it was obvious. They want the launch codes."

For a moment, the only sound was the chattering of the machine gun from the helicopter behind them. Deku cleared his throat nervously. "I’m going to regret asking this, but what launch codes?"

Todoroki raised his right hand. In it he was holding a metal briefcase, which was also handcuffed to his wrist. "These launch codes."

The entire bus groaned. Bakugo facepalmed. "Where the fuck did you get those, Icy Hot?!"

Todoroki looked around, still not seeming to understand the problem. "That military installation we escaped from in Alaska. It was your idea, Bakugo. I distinctly remember – we were trying to find our way out, and you said, ‘We need the codes.’"

Bakugo’s jaw tensed as he stared at Todoroki for a couple for seconds. "For the doors, you two-tone asshat! FOR THE FUCKING DOORS!"

Todoroki looked at the briefcase, then quickly put it into his lap. "Oh."

The bus veered sharply, and Kirishima cursed from the driver’s seat. "We got a problem! Drawbridge up ahead is opening – I’m gonna have to jump it, everybody hang-the-fuck on to something!"

Thirty seconds later the school bus hit the end of the drawbridge at speed, careening into the air and over the gap. Several black sedans screeched to a halt on the flat part of the bridge, their occupants astonished by the sight of a giant shadowy bird emerging from the rear window of the bus, and giving them the finger.

Chapter Text

*79 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 15.49 N LONGITUDE 88.45 W

LIVINGSTON, GUATEMALA.

The underbrush parted as Class 1A started making their way out of the jungle and down towards the water. Sato lifted his arm and pointed; the sharp, steel hook that had replaced his right hand glinting in the sunlight. "Hey, it looks like there’s a marina or something! We should be able to get a boat no problem!" He looked around at Tokoyami. "How’s Mineta? Still unconscious?"

Tokoyami nodded. "It was quite a fall from that tree. He’ll be out for a few hours yet. What about Kaminari, has anyone seen him?"

Jiro groaned and shook her head. "He’s with us, he’s just lagging behind, still dragging that fucking sword with him." She stopped briefly, shrugging her shoulders to adjust the guitar slung across her back. "I keep telling him – just because you found some old-ass sword stuck in a rock, it does not mean that you found Excalibur."

Tokoyami frowned. "But if he’s removed it from the rock, then it should be: a) much easier to carry, and b) obvious that he’s not the King of Albion."

Jiro gave Tokoyami an exhausted stare. Tokoyami’s eyes widened in surprise.

"It’s still in the fucking rock?! How is he carrying it around?"

Jiro shrugged. "I think he’s got it in, like, a wheelbarrow or something."

The classmates continued down to the marina, speaking to boat-owners and locals as they went, desperately searching for onward passage. Eventually Bakugo called the group together, wandering over to them with a hardened-looking boat captain by his side. "This is Captain Okita. He’s agreed to take us, but we need to pay. Momo – what’s our fuckin' money situation?"

Yaoyarozu slung her backpack from her shoulder and zipped it open. "Looks like we’ve got a few hundred dollars, about the same amount in Guatemalan quetzal, and we’re down to our last few thousand Swedish kronor."

Sero frowned. "Swedish kronor? When did we get those?"

"Oh, we got those when… uh…" Yaoyarozu stopped for a moment, then looked down into the backpack. "Actually, I have no idea where the kronor came from."

Bakugo growled softly. "Shit, that ain’t gonna be enough. Icy Hot, you got anything left in your wallet?"

Todoroki, whose right wrist was currently handcuffed to the steering wheel from a 1966 VW Kombi, dug awkwardly around in his pockets. He shook his head. "Sorry Bakugo. Nothing."

"FUCK! There’s no choice. We have to give him Thomas."

The intern's head snapped around in alarm. "Whaaaaat!?"

Deku stepped over and stood in front of Bakugo, raising his index finger as a warning. "Uh-uh, no way, Kacchan! This always happens when I let you do the negotiating. It’s all going fine, then you lose your damn cool and we start having to pay with people. We're doing this another way!"

A sigh came from the middle of the group as Tsu pushed her way to the front. "This is getting us nowhere, ribbit. Let me handle this." Gently pushing Bakugo and Deku to the side, she addressed the Captain. "Ey! Capitán Okita!"

The man looked at her, his eyes instantly widening in fear, the blood draining from his face. His hands were shaking as he whispered, "La Ranita de la Muerte! Es verdad?" Tsu stepped up to the captain and had a very animated and very short conversation with him while her classmates looked on in astonishment. She turned around with a smirk on her face as the captain scurried away, yelling at his crew.

"So, he’ll take us for free. We leave in 30 minutes, make sure you’re all ready, ribbit."

Uraraka stared at Tsu, with an expression that was a mix of admiration and terror. "Oh my God, Tsu! What did you say to that man?"

Tsu shrugged and flashed an enigmatic smile. "I just reminded him what happened to his brother Raúl two years ago." She picked up her bag and headed off towards the boat.

Shouji stood and scratched his head as she walked away. "Does anyone else feel like they don’t know Asui well enough?"

Sero nodded, shivering. "Man, that totally gave me flashbacks from that knife fight in Tijuana."

Bakugo watched her go, then turned around and clapped his hands together. "Whatever – we got ourselves a fuckin’ boat! You heard her, assholes – grab your stuff and let’s go! Oh, and Koda – the fuckin' jaguar has to stay behind!"

"Not Señor Chompers! Awww, c’mon guys!"

Bakugo and Deku turned around and glared at him in unison. "NO!"

Chapter Text

*4 DAYS AND 5 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 19.20 N  LONGITUDE 81.13 W

GRAND CAYMAN, CAYMAN ISLANDS

Five taxis pulled up outside a pair of enormous iron gates, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, and class 1A piled out, blinking in the bright sunshine. Ojiro held a hand up to his forehead to shield his eyes from the glare, and looked around. "Are you sure this is the place, Momo?"

Yaoyarozu dipped her chin slightly and looked over the top of her Chanel sunglasses at the gate. Smiling, she pushed the sunglasses into place with the tip of her index finger and walked over to the gate. "Yes, this is it – this is where Daddy keeps his collection." Stopping at a small intercom mounted on one of the gates, she pushed the button and leaned closer. "Cavendish? It’s Miss Momo, let us in, please. Oh, and can you send up two of the golf carts please? Mr. Kaminari has a… sword that he wishes to bring with him, and Mr. Mineta is still in a coma from the poison."

The gates swung open and Yaoyarozu marched through, continuing down the dusty track on the other side. The rest of 1A looked at each other, shrugged, and followed her.

After a 10 minute walk through seaside scrub, the path opened out onto a small bay with a magnificent beach. And straight ahead, sitting in the middle of the bay, was the biggest fucking flying boat any of them had ever seen.

"My God!", cried Iida, "I don’t believe it! That’s a Blohm und Voss BV238. They only built one, and it was supposed to have been destroyed!"

Yoayarozu smiled. "Daddy collects World War II aircraft - he has a private runway here on the Caymans. Of course, the BV238 is a personal favourite of his - it's also our ticket out of here."

Sero looked at the plane, scratching the back of his head. "We're leaving in that? It looks like a Megalodon with wings - who the hell is going to fly it?"

Yaoyarozu cocked her head to the side. "I am, of course. With a little help from the rest of you." She gestured to a man in a tuxedo standing next to a small bar/kitchen on the beach. "This is Cavendish, he can provide food and drinks while I make sure we’re ready for take-off." With that, she waved to a man in mechanics’ overalls and headed off down the beach.

Sato adjusted the patch over his left eye and looked around at the others. "Did anyone else know that Momo can fly a freaking plane?"

Uraraka shrugged as she stroked the snake coiled around her right arm. "Quite frankly, after what went down in Tijuana? Nothing surprises me anymore."

The last few stragglers came down to the beach. Shouji helping Kaminari carry a large rock with the shining hilt of a sword sticking out of it; and Todoroki following after. Todoroki unfolded the deck chair he was currently handcuffed to, setting it down on the sand and flopping into it. "It will be nice to get some rest – those bounty hunters have been nothing if not persistent." He glanced around the beach. "Where are Bakugo and Midoriya?"

Kaminari grunted as he gave a few experimental tugs at the hilt of the sword next to him. "Uh, they were getting drinks with Thomas, I think they’re on their way back now." He leaned over to Jiro, who was lying on the sand leaning up against the rock with her eyes closed. "Hey Jiro, when I finally whip this out and become King, will you be my Queen?"

She looked up at him and rolled her eyes, then blushed slightly and closed them again with a small smile. "You’re such a fucking dork, Kaminari." Kaminari looked down at her for a moment, blushing happily, then went back to trying to pull the sword from the stone.

Bakugo and Deku, dressed in shorts and matching Hawaiian shirts, wandered back over to the main group; Deku was holding half a coconut with assorted stirring sticks, colourful paper umbrellas and about 7 different kinds of sliced fruit sticking out of it. Bakugo smirked as they walked up.

"Hey, will ya look at that – Kaminari looking at Jiro while tugging on his sword. It’s like we never left the fucking dorms!"

Deku chuckled, all while turning the drink he was holding around and around in his hands, looking for a way to get it to his mouth - and failing. "Argh, Kacchan! Why do you always buy me drinks like this?!"

Bakugo glanced over and clicked his tongue. "Tch, you love all that fancy shit, don’t pretend otherwise." He reached over and pulled something up from the middle of the coconut. "The straw is here, nerd."

"Thanks Kacchan… oh, wait – is there alcohol in this?"

Bakugo raised an eyebrow. "After what happened in Tijuana with the roller skates and the harpoon? Fuck no!"

Suddenly they heard a yell from further up the beach. Thomas – dressed up as a slice of pepperoni pizza – was running towards them, waving frantically. "Guys, it’s the bounty hunters! They’ve managed to steal a couple of Momo’s dad’s old fighter planes, they’ll be here any minute! We have to go now!"

Iida threw aside his Pina Colada and leapt to his feet. "Alright 1A, let’s do this! Koda, Shouji – grab Mineta! Uraraka – help Kaminari with 'Excalibur'! Ashido, Jiro, Kirishima, Midoriya, Bakugo – you will join me in manning the machine gun turrets. Everybody else – grab any essentials and get on board! Oh, and Todoroki – don’t forget your deck chair!"

The class sprang into action as the sound of approaching planes echoed around the bay. Bakugo looked at Midoriya, who was slurping his mocktail and trying to look innocent. "You and your fucking pancakes", he growled.

Chapter Text

*8 DAYS AND 11 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 31.30 N  LONGITUDE 9.46 W

ESSAOUIRA, MOROCCO

Kirshima and Todoroki crawled on their stomachs up the side of the sand dune, whispering a greeting to Aoyama who was lying near the top. Aoyama swept the town of Essaouira with his binoculars one last time, then turned to his companions. ‘Bonsoir, mes amis! It will be dark soon – did you bring your night-vision glasses, Kirishima?’

The red-headed boy gave him a sharp-toothed smile, waggling the small binoculars he held in his left hand.

‘Excellent! I must ask though – why is Todoroki with you? I thought it was just the two of us on evening lookout duty.’

Kirishima rolled his eyes and gave an annoyed snort, lifting his right hand; the evening sun glinted off the handcuffs tethering him to Todoroki. Todoroki gave Aoyama a broad smile and a little wave. Aoyama sighed.

‘Ah yes, of course. Well, our suspicions were correct. The town is being fortified by the French Foreign Legion. More troops arrived an hour ago.’

Kirishima frowned. ‘Man, I didn’t even know those guys still existed! Do we know why they’re here?’

Aoyama rolled onto his side and gave Kirishima a little smirk. ‘Monsieur Kirishima, I will give you exactly one guess.’

Kirishima looked blank for a second, then his eyes went wide. He face-planted with a groan into the sand, moaning ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’

Back at camp, class 1A sat around a small campfire, waiting for the others to return. Jiro sat wrapping a bandage around her hand; Kaminari stood next to her, grunting as he pulled on the hilt of the sword. ‘Hey, I think it just moved!’ He tugged again. ‘It definitely moved. Don’t worry guys - I’ll have this thing out in no time!’

Jiro looked up at him and smiled, shaking her head. ‘Oh, we’re not worried, ya dork. You go, Lancelot!’

Iida pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose, and cleared his throat. ‘Actually, it was Arthur who removed Excalibur. What’s our current situation?’

Uraraka shrugged. ‘We’re getting boxed in. The assassins are still after us, and now it looks like troops are massing in the town nearby.’

Ojiro sighed. ‘Shit. You know, those assassins are no joke! I’d be a goner if it wasn’t for Mineta! How’s he doing, by the way?’

Ashido emerged from a nearby tent, wiping her hands on a cloth. ‘Well, the morphine hit him pretty hard, so he’s out like a light. He’s gonna be okay, though.’

‘You know, I’ve been thinking,’ said Tsu, looking at the others, ‘we could probably sneak past them if we could create a diversion. What about the using the same plan as in Tijuana?’

Tokoyami shook his head. ‘Not possible. We would need a bottle of tequila and at least one hedgehog, and I happen to know that we have neither.’

Just then, Aoyama, Kirishima and Todoroki appeared at the edge of the camp; Midoriya was just behind them. Bakugo stood up as they arrived, his hands on his hips. ‘Well?’

Aoyama crossed his arms. ‘It’s the French Foreign Legion, I’m afraid. I have not been able to make out all of their communications, but enough to know that they are looking for ‘the angry blonde one’ and ‘the stupid green one’.

Deku gasped. 'They're looking for Tsu?!' Bakugo groaned and slapped Deku across the back of the head. 'No, they're looking for you, dickweed!' He frowned. ‘But that still doesn’t make sense…’ His eyes widened and he looked at Aoyama. ‘Wait – the commander, did you see him? Was he a big dude, with black hair and a stupid-ass pencil moustache?’

Aoyama thought for a moment, then nodded.

Bakugo’s eyes widened further, then he suddenly bent over laughing. Next to him, Deku had gone pale.

‘Ahhahahahahaaa! Oh, this is fucking brilliant, this whole trip has been worth it now! Can I tell ‘em, nerdface? Aw fuck, please let me tell ‘em!’

Deku sat down heavily next to the fire. ‘Shit.’

Bakugo continued chortling. ‘Hahaaa, that dude with the ‘stache is Colonel Jean-Bertrand Boucher. Also known as Deku’s father-in-law!’

For a moment all that could be heard was the crackling of the fire. Then all that could be heard was Uraraka. ‘YOU’RE FUCKING MARRIED?!’

Sero frowned. ‘Uh. That can’t have been legal, surely? Like… anywhere.’

Deku held up his hands and gave a nervous chuckle. ‘Look, there were a few barely legal things that happened that night in Hanoi…’

Kaminari looked up from the sword and winced. ‘Dude! Phrasing!’

‘…but the important thing to remember here is that we do not want to run into Sophie’s dad.’

‘Sophie?’ mumbled Uraraka. She crossed her arms. ‘She sounds like a bitch.’

‘Aaanyway…’ continued Deku, ‘we need to get out of here. Can’t go south – assassins. Ocean to the west, and, uh…’

‘Dad to the north?’ smirked Ashido.

‘Heh, right. So only one option left.’

Bakugo’s eyes narrowed. ‘Wait just a goddamn fucking second… you wanna trek through the Sahara, don’t you? No, no fucking way am I doing that again.’

‘Come ooon, Kacchaaan! I’ve already bought the camels!’

‘You shitty little nerd! You probably planned this whole thing! How the hell did you pay for fucking camels?’

Deku glanced around nervously, then cleared his throat. ‘Don't get mad, but… I gave them Thomas.’

'Fuck, man, was he still dressed as pizza?'

Deku gave a sheepish nod.

Bakugo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. ‘And now we have to get him back as well. Let me fucking guess; the guys you sold him to were heading east.’

Deku did his best to look innocent. ‘Sabha, to be exact. That’s, um, in the Sahara.’

Bakugo gave Deku a look that could have killed a camel at twenty paces. 'No shit, nerd. Fuck I hate trekking in the fucking desert.' He leaned in close to Deku, growling in his ear. 'I'm gonna get you back for this one, asshole. Just wait and see.' He stood up and looked around the campsite. 'Alright you fucking extras, time to go - looks like we gotta go rescue Goat Boy.'

Chapter Text

*18 DAYS AND 4 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 35.53 N  LONGITUDE 14.30 E

VALLETTA, MALTA

7:00 pm: Bakugo stood with Deku and Uraraka on the opposite side of the road to the small restaurant they’d been watching for the past 30 minutes. They were standing just outside the pool of light from one of the streetlamps; dark enough for their features to be obscured. Bakugo handed small earpieces to the other two, then fitted one into his own ear.

"Okay", said Bakugo, "we should all be able to hear each other now." He looked at Deku and Uraraka, both decked out in fine eveningwear. "Our contact is inside the restaurant; they’re sitting at table five. Remember, we really need this information – that stupid half-and-half bastard’s life could depend on it."

Deku and Uraraka nodded, Deku tapping his earpiece. "You can count on us, everybody! Good luck with the rest of the operation."

The two of them headed in, making their way to table five. Sitting at the table and looking at a menu was a beautiful raven-haired girl about their age, with green eyes and wearing an emerald green dress. Deku stopped short, his breath hitching in his throat. "Holy crap!", he whispered, "th-that’s Sophie!"

Uraraka turned to look at him, frowning. "Sophie? As in Sophie, Mrs-fucking-Midoriya?"

Deku didn’t have time to answer before the girl looked up, spotting them. Her face lit up and she hurried over to them, squealing "Izzy!" before grabbing him and kissing him on both cheeks in greeting. "It really is you!"

Uraraka looked over at Deku, one eyebrow raised and a tiny smirk on her face. "Izzy?" Deku glanced back, managing nothing more than a high-pitched giggle, his face bright red.

The girl looked over at Uraraka, smiling brightly. "Oh, elles est trés jolie! Izzy, ‘oo is your friend?"

Deku, who by now was only managing to make small choking noises, watched as Uraraka held out her hand, a grin on her face. "Hello, you must be Sophie. My friends call me Ochako, but you can call me Uraraka."

Sophie clapped her hands happily. "Please, sit down, I will be back in a moment. We ‘ave the ‘ole evening together!" The girl bustled away as they sat down. Deku turned his head, tapping his earpiece urgently.

"Kacchan!", he hissed, "what the actual fuck?!"

He winced as the earpiece crackled and a torrent of guttural laughter came through. "Hahahahahaa! Just my little thank you for having to trek through the fucking Sahara and drink my own piss when you got us lost, ya damn nerd! Say hi to Sophie for me!"

The earpiece went dead, and Deku slumped back in his chair. Uraraka cocked her head and gave him a smile that was both sweet and venomous. "Well, 'Izzy', I think tonight is going to be lots of fun."

8:00 pm: In the cellar of the Grand Master’s Palace, Kirishima double-checked his earpiece. Bakugo, Asui and Shouji stood nearby, tense expressions on their faces. Asui sighed. "I can’t believe that Thomas turned out to be a Russian spy!"

Bakugo grunted. "Yeah, well that pepperoni motherfucker is gonna get what’s comin’ to him, Frogface. Gotta make sure we get the key, though." He tapped his earpiece. "Hey Beaky, how’s it going?"

There was a crackle of static, then Tokoyami’s voice came through. "Better than expected. The bodyguards looked like trouble, but Mineta managed to challenge them to a drinking game and then drank them under the table. They won’t be bothering us anymore tonight. Mineta has passed out, though. I’ll keep an eye on him."

Bakugo breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that makes our job a whole lot easier." He looked at the other two. "We ready to go?"

8:43 pm: In room 403 at the Embassy Valletta Hotel, Sero paced back and forth nervously, checking his watch. Todoroki sat on a large sofa in the living area; handcuffed to his right wrist was a small explosive device, a digital counter on the top glowing red. Sero sat down next to him and tapped his earpiece. "Guys! What's happening? We're running out of time here! Todoroki and me are shitting bricks!"

Todoroki gave Sero a curious glance. "I don't think that's physically possible, Sero."

Sero turned and looked at him, then sighed and ran his hand across his face. "No man, it's a figure of speech. It means that we're very worried."

Todoroki's face brightened. "Ah!", he said, leaning in close to Sero and speaking directly into his ear. "We are indeed shitting masonry."

Sero put his index finger on Todoroki's forehead and gently but firmly pushed him away from his ear. "Dude, you have your own earpiece. You don't have to speak into mine. Just talk normally and they'll hear you."

"Oh. Okay." Todoroki looked down at his hands, seemingly trying to make a decision. "Uh Sero? Looking at these handcuffs, I've been thinking..."

Sero looked at Todoroki and raised an eyebrow. "Roki, you've been getting yourself inexplicably handcuffed to shit for nearly three weeks, and it's got you thinking now?"

Todoroki shook his head. "No, not about that." He took a deep breath. "Sero, we hang out a lot, read manga together and stuff, right? Well... I like it. A lot. And now we're in a life-or-death situation."

"Ha!", snorted Sero, "we've been in a life-or-death situation since we ate those damn pancakes." He leaned back into the sofa and closed his eyes. "They were soooo good, though."

"Um, yes, well...", continued Todoroki, "I think maybe I should tell you something. Sero, I really like you. I think we should start dating."

Sero sat bolt upright in the sofa and spluttered. "Whuh?! Uh, I mean...you... whuh?"

Todoroki continued unfazed. "So, if we're still alive in...", he looked down briefly at the bomb next to him, "...one hour and twelve minutes, then I would like to take you to dinner."

Sero stared at Todoroki, mouth open and face flushed. Then a dopey smile made its way across his features. "Okay", he said.

Their earpieces crackled to life. "Very fucking touching," growled Bakugo's voice, "but maybe turn your earpieces off so we don't all have to hear it next time."

9:10pm: Bakugo and the others met up with Sato and Aoyama just outside the Throne Room. Bakugo looked around. "Alright stay close, he could be anywhere."

Almost as if on cue, a voice sounded out of the shadows down the nearby hallway, speaking with a thick Russian accent. "Indeed i could, Bakugo. Stay where you are please, all of you." A triangular-shaped shadow appeared, moving slowly into the light. Thomas, his pizza outfit now adorned with a small, black bow-tie, smiled as he stepped towards them. "Do you have the launch codes?"

Bakugo nodded to Sato, who pressed a button on his prosthetic leg. A small compartment opened and he took out a shiny metal cylinder, handing it to Bakugo; the blonde stepped towards Thomas with a snarl. "Yeah, we got 'em. You better have the fucking key."

Kirishima, no longer able to contain himself, also stepped forward. "How could you do this, bro?! I thought we were friends!"

A pained expression passed over Thomas' face, and he held up his hands in front of him. "Please, you must know I have little choice here. And the bomb was not my idea - I was always told that no-one was going to get hurt. I enjoyed our time together... well, maybe not getting sold for some fucking camels, but it's all water under the bridge." He pointed down at his pizza costume. "As you can see, I am still keeping my side of the bet that I lost in Tijuana."

Thomas handed a small keycard to Bakugo, who took it and handed over the cylinder. "Alright, Goat Boy - get out of here before we lose our fucking patience." The former intern nodded sadly, then faded into the shadows and was gone. The others stood silently for a moment, then Aoyama spoke.

"Merde! I can't believe that asshole was still dressed as a fucking pizza!"

Kirishima threw his hands up into the air. "I know, right?!" He looked at Bakugo. "Wasn't it dangerous to give him the codes?"

"Nah. Momo made a pretty good copy of that cylinder, but eventually they'll work out that it's a phone number, not a code." He grinned at the others. "Deku's phone number. Now come on, let's get back to the hotel and make sure Icy Hot doesn't blow himself and his new boyfriend up."

Chapter Text

*23 DAYS AND 7 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 39.39 N  LONGITUDE 66.58 E

SAMARKAND, UZBEKISTAN

The truck stopped just outside of the city with a hiss of hydraulic brakes. The driver jumped out, thumping the side of the trailer with his hand, then moving around to open the doors at the back. He barked something at the teenagers inside, and class 1A started to emerge, blinking in the sunlight. Shouji, an unconscious Mineta hoisted over his left shoulder, climbed down from the truck and looked around.

"Where the heck are we? It felt like we were in the back of that truck for ages."

Koda, who had jumped down just after him, looked around and shook his head. "No idea, Shouji." He peered at Mineta, lifting one of his limp arms, then dropping it again. "Wow, he's still out?"

Shouji nodded. "Y'know, you could have helped a bit more, Koda."

Koda folded his arms, a haughty look on his face. "Hey, I told him to leave Sir Growls-A-Lot alone, but he didn't listen. That's not my fault."

Shouji raised an eyebrow. "Sir Growls-A-Lot?"

Koda nodded. "Yeah. The bear."

"You called the bear Sir Growls-A-Lot?"

Koda rolled his eyes. "No, don't be ridiculous. The bear called himself that."

They turned as a loud 'thud' was heard behind them. Kaminari jumped down, next to the large rock-with-a-sword-in-it that he had just pushed out of the truck. He wiped his sleeve across his brow and groaned loudly. "Urarakaaaa! Why won't you make this weightless for me?"

Uraraka walked over and looked at him with a smirk. "You're the one who wanted to lug a rock around. You're on your own."

Kaminari looked hurt. "A rock!? Come oooon, you know what this is!"

Uraraka stepped forward and poked him in the chest with her finger. "I know what it isn't. It isn't fucking Excalibur! You found it in Tijuana for God's sake!" She gave him a little smile. "Get Jiro to help you."

Kaminari sighed. "Jiro thinks I'm being stupid."

The truck drove off in a cloud of dust as Bakugo came over and clapped Kaminari on the shoulder. "Don't feel too bad, Sparky. We all think you're fucking stupid." He raised his hand to shield his eyes from the sun, and looked towards the city. "So, let's see where the fuck... we... are..." Bakugo's voice trailed off and his hand dropped to his side. "Oh no. No... not here, not again. GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT DEKU!"

Deku looked around. "What is it, Kacchan? What's the prob..." He saw the city properly then, and stopped mid-sentence. "Aww, shit. Samarkand... we're in Samarkand."

Bakugo slumped down onto a rock near the side of the road, his head in his hands. The rest of the class looked between the two boys, confusion on their faces. Iida adjusted his glasses, then scratched the back of his neck. "Is there a problem? I'm afraid you're going to have to tell us what's going on, Midoriya."

Deku sighed and fidgeted with his hands for a moment. Taking a deep breath, he looked around at the rest of the class. "Okay. I don't know why the 'pancake thing' happens, but whenever it does... for some really weird reason, we always end up in Samarkand. Like, every time. Even if we actively try to avoid it. And Kacchan... well, he really hates it."

The others started to look concerned; Kirishima stepped forward. "What aren't you telling us, man? Considering what we've already been through, if Bakubro is this worried..." He left the rest unsaid.

Deku nodded. "I understand, guys, but it'll be fine. Look, some bad shit went down the first time we were here, and when we kept getting brought back we decided we needed a contingency plan. So, it's okay - I know a guy."

Jiro raised a sceptical eyebrow. "You know a guy?"

Deku nodded, smiling. "Yeah. Yuri, he's cool. But first we need to find a hotel... there's a place we usually stay at, it's not far from here. Let's go!"

An hour later, most of the class were sitting in the foyer of a large hotel, discussing what to do. Bakugo was sitting in the far corner of one of the couches, arms and legs crossed, a scowl on his face. Ashido came down the stairs and flopped into an armchair. Tokoyami glanced up the staircase behind her.

"Ashido, where are Kaminari and Jiro? They should be here by now."

Ashido sighed theatrically. "I'm sorry guys, but the flirting was becoming unbearable. Un. Fucking. Bearable. I locked them in one of the rooms and told them to sort it out. So right now, judging by what I saw through the keyhole before I left, Jiro is... uh, 'giving him a hand with his sword'"

There was silence for a moment, then everybody nodded and mumbled to the effect of it being 'about fucking time'. Iida cleared his throat and leaned forwards in his chair. "Midoriya - you say that you keep returning to Samarkand. How many times has 'the pancake thing' happened?"

Deku looked up, thinking for a moment. "Well, the first time it happened was when we were ten years old... I guess all up it's been 10 or 12 times..."

The class exploded.

"WHAAAAAT?!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? TWELVE TIMES?!"

"YOU COULD MAKE PANCAKES WHEN YOU WERE TEN?"

Deku held his hands out in front of him, waving them frantically and calling for calm. "Guys! Guys, please! Like I said before, it's gonna be fine! We just need to contact Yuri, he'll help me and Kacchan out like he always does, and then we'll be on our way." He paused, shifting in his chair uncomfortably. "There is one thing, though... Yuri is a secretive guy, so he never tells us his address. And this city is like a maze, so even if we've been here before, we never quite remember where his place is... so we need to use a map."

Bakugo snorted from his place on the couch. "Pfft. No. No fucking way."

Deku sighed. "C'mon Kacchan, you know how it is. We need to use the map."

"No. Forget it. Not with these fucking extras here. I will fucking kill you myself."

"We need to use it, Kacchan."

"Uh-uh. Just try and fucking make me."

"You remember the time we didn't use it, and what happened? With the llama and the RPG launcher? You want that to happen again? Because I sure as hell don't."

Bakugo snarled from the couch, his red eyes glaring at Deku... but he stayed silent.

"Uh, excuse me", said Sero carefully, "but what the fuck is going on here? What's the big deal with a map?"

Deku blushed and gave a nervous chuckle, then looked over at Bakugo. "Go on", snarled the other boy, "you tell 'em. Because I ain't fuckin' going to." Deku looked back at the others, his blush deepening. "Well, uh, it's like this", he started, his voice cracking a little, "Yuri would always draw us a map, but we would always lose it, or forget we had it or some stupid thing. And we were never able to memorize it. So we decided to make a more... um... permanent map. We got a bit drunk one time - it wasn't our fault, we didn't know it was alcohol - and so... we got the map tattooed."

Deku paused, blushing furiously. He swallowed hard. "On... uh... on our asses."

There was complete silence. Deku pushed on.

"Uh... right. So, um, we got sorta half the map each - my r-right, um, cheek and Bakugo's left cheek. And to read it, we have to take our p-pants off and stand next to each other and, y'know, push our butts t-together. To make, uh, the whole map."

He glanced around at his classmates, who were all doing their very best not to burst out laughing. Well, except for Todoroki, who was looking on with polite interest.

"B-but, because of the map's, um, placement - it's hard for us to read it ourselves. We've tried using a mirror, but then we forget that it makes the map backwards..." Snorts and sniggers were now sounding out from around the group. Deku closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. "So we n-need someone to, uh, well... read the map for us."

"Oh, I'll do it!", said Todoroki brightly.

"Uh, no you fucking won't!" exclaimed Sero, crossing his arms.

Todoroki frowned. "But I'm an excellent map-reader."

Bakugo, still scowling, clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Tch. Even if we ignore the fact that Sero will kill you, I would like to fucking point out that you are currently handcuffed to a fucking goat, Icy Hot. So, no thanks."

"Aww", said Todoroki, obviously disappointed. He leaned down and scratched the goat under the chin. "He reminds me of Thomas!", he said happily.

"So...", continued Deku, "is there anyon..."

Uraraka jumped to her feet, clenching one of her fists. "I'LL DO IT!" she yelped, just a little too loudly. "Uh, you know - for the team!"

Deku looked like he was about to pass out, but before he could say anything, a grinning Bakugo had already jumped up and grabbed him by the collar. "Pink cheeks! Perfect, we'll use my room! Let's go, nerd - don't want to keep our map-reader waiting!" Deku could only splutter as Bakugo dragged him up the stairs, Uraraka following close behind.

The others watched them go in silence, then turned to look at each other. All of a sudden, Ashido banged her fist into the side of her armchair.

"Goddammit! I can't believe that bitch Uraraka was so fast!"

Asui nodded, groaning and slumping back into the sofa where she was sitting. "I have never wanted to read a map so bad in my entire life." She glanced over at Yaoyarozu. "What about you, Momo?"

Yaoyarozu sighed deeply. "I would gladly have given every last Swedish krona we have to have gotten a good look at, y'know... Samarkand."

Iida sat up straight and adjusted his glasses. "I cannot believe what I'm hearing!", he cried indignantly, "Uraraka has done us a great service!"

"Yeah, well", huffed Ashido, "let's just hope she doesn't do them a great service. Man, Jiro is gonna be so pissed when she finds out that she missed her chance."

Ojiro frowned. "Didn't you just say she was together with Kaminari?"

Ashido smiled sweetly. "Aww honey, Kaminari is a good-looking boy, and he's a total ray of sunshine, but he does not have an ass like those two that just went up those stairs!" She looked across at Sero. "Come on, Sero, back me up on this one!"

Sero squirmed a little in his seat, then sighed. "Yeah, I would give my left nut to see that map."

After a somewhat tense 10 minutes or so, Uraraka came back down the stairs, a slightly dazed expression on her face. She sat down on the sofa and looked at the others. Ashido edged forwards on her armchair, leaning in towards Uraraka. "Sooo... did you get a look at the map?"

Uraraka nodded dreamily. "It was... magnificent!"

Ashido sighed and fell back into her chair. "Aww crap, I knew it would be. Well, at least we know where to go, I suppose."

Uraraka shook herself, then gave Ashido a sly smile. "Actually, the map was quite complicated... I had a good, long look, but unfortunately I couldn't really work out where we were supposed to go. So I told them we needed a second opinion... maybe even a third or a fourth." She leaned forward, and winked. "You're up, Mina."

Chapter Text

*27 DAYS AND 9 HOURS AFTER PANCAKE ZERO*

LATITUDE 26.28 N  LONGITUDE 127.55 E

EAST CHINA SEA, NEAR OKINAWA

The waves crashed over the bow of the whaling ship as it drove forwards through the sea. On it's side, the original name had been hastily painted over - white letters now proclaimed the vessel to be the SS Maple Syrup. A careful observer would see that two whales were actually helping the vessel, pulling it through the water with the aid of sturdy ropes tied around their bodies. Standing in the bow of the ship was Koji Koda, urging the whales forwards as only he could.

Bakugo looked around with a snarl as another cannon shell whistled through the air, just missing the boat. It sent up a plume of water as it exploded, drenching Deku as he lurched across the deck. "Kacchan!", he shouted, "Tokoyami and Dark Shadow are doing everything they can with the engines, but this is about as much speed as we're going to get!" He turned, shielding his eyes from the spray as he looked up towards the look-out platform. "Ojiro, how are we doing?!"

Ojiro, up on the look-out platform, had his feet planted wide apart and his tail wrapped tightly around the railing. He lowered his binoculars and looked down to his companions on the deck. "They're not getting any closer, but we're not getting away from them either!" In the distance, a cannon boomed and everyone ducked as another shell whistled over them.

"Fucking pirates!", roared Bakugo, "I didn't know they operated this far North! I'd shoot down the fucking shells, but it's freezing cold, and I can't see properly because of all the damn spray!"

Deku nodded. "It's pretty weird that they even have a cannon, most pirates just board ships these days!"

Bakugo held onto the railing as the ship crashed through the water. "We can't even hit the fuckers back properly! Mineta's in sick bay, so we can't try and trap their ship. I can't believe he tried to pull the same shit he did in Tijuana, but the idiot nearly drowned and now he's out cold. As for Momo, she's too tired from steering this fucking thing to create any heavy weaponry. We need a fucking miracle, nerdface!"

Suddenly, a sound like a mighty thunderclap echoed across the ocean, and a blinding light shone out from all the windows and portholes on the ship, just for a second - as if a tremendous glow had momentarily erupted from inside the Maple Syrup. Members of Class 1A staggered out on to the deck from inside the ship, a couple of them climbing down from the bridge. Everyone looked around in confusion.

"What the hell was that?!", yelled Sato, "Are we hit?!"

Tsu shook her head as she joined the others. "No, it wasn't a shell - that light came from inside the ship!"

Just then, a figure staggered through one of the doors and out onto the deck. As it did so, a blinding beam of light shone down directly from the heavens, illuminating them. It was Kaminari, grinning wildly and holding aloft a sword.

"Well, fuck me sideways", whispered Bakugo, "Sparky actually did it."

Kaminari moved to stand near the aft of the ship, his classmates watching in disbelief as a shimmering, ghostly crown appeared above his head. He activated his own quirk now, too, and electricity crackled along his entire body and arced up to cover the sword in yellow lightning. He raised it above his head, yelling above the roar of the waves at their pursuers. "You guys are so screwed! Nobody fucks with Denki Kaminari, King of Albion!"

He turned to grin at his classmates, when the ship hit a wave and lurched violently. Kaminari stumbled backwards and slammed into the aft railing of the ship. The sword slipped out of his hands, flying backwards over his head in a graceful arc, and then dropping into the ocean with a gentle 'ploop'. He flailed after the sword with his hands, before staring down at the waves for what seemed like an age. Finally, he turned around.

"Well, shitballs", was all he said.

You could almost hear the 'smack' of ten people facepalming simultaneously. Bakugo was the first to recover. "Okay, we need fucking options, people! Sero! Is your dumbass boyfriend still handcuffed to that World War II mine we found a couple days ago?"

Sero winced and nodded.

"Well, if push comes to shove he might be going for a fucking swim! Any other ideas!?"

The ship's loudspeakers crackled into life, and Aoyama's voice rang out. "Bakugo, Midoriya! Viens tout de suite à la passerelle!" The two ran inside, quickly climbing the stairs to the bridge. Inside, Yaoyarozu and Aoyama exchanged a worried glance as they entered. Aoyama stepped forward, handing a slip of paper to Bakugo. "We have received a message from the other vessel."

Bakugo frowned, reading it quickly. He then shoved the paper at Deku with a growl. "It's for you, asshole." Deku took it from him and read the following:

YOU NEVER CALLED SOPHIE AFTER VALLETTA, 'IZZY'.

Deku quickly scrunched the paper into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder with an embarrassed chuckle. Aoyama glanced between the two of them. "Unfortunately, it appears that it is not a pirate vessel chasing us. Judging by the call sign on the message, it is the French naval frigate La Fayette. In which case, we do not need to worry about their cannons."

Deku raised his eyebrows. "Really? That's great, right?"

Aoyama smiled patiently. "Rather, it is their surface-to-surface Exocet missiles that are the problem."

Deku grimaced. "Ah. Crap."

Bakugo threw his head back and groaned. "Holy fucking hell, nerdface. You couldn't have just picked up the fucking phone?"

Deku squirmed where he stood. "Well, I mean, what would I say?"

Bakugo glared at the other boy. "Gee, I don't know. How about - Hi Sophie, sorry about the fake fucking marriage. Say 'Hi' to your dad for me?"

"Hey! It's not that easy, you know!"

Suddenly, there was a flash of light from the direction of their pursuers, followed by a dull explosion and a plume of water. Klaxons could be heard from the other ship, and as they stared at it from the bridge, it appeared to be dead in the water. Bakugo and Deku raced outside, yelling up to the lookout. "Hey Ojiro, what the hell just happened?!"

Ojiro looked down at them and shrugged. "I've got no idea! It wasn't us - there was just some explosion near the bow and now it looks like they're not moving!" More of the classmates emerged onto the deck, looking at each other in confusion. Amidst all this, Todoroki clambered up the stairs that led down to the lifeboat at the aft of the whaling vessel, rubbing his wrists.

"Hello everyone", he said, "I finally worked out how to get those handcuffs off properly. I didn't think we really needed that mine we found, so I dumped it over the side. I hope that was okay." He turned to look behind him, seeing the frigate in the distance. "Oh look, they exploded."

Deku and Bakugo exchanged incredulous looks, then both burst out laughing. Todoroki looked around in confusion, as more of his friends started to laugh.

"Do you think we can go home now, please?"

ONE WEEK LATER...

"...and so the Foreign Office has asked if Mr. Midoriya could please stop answering the phone when Russian Intelligence is calling. Oh, and one more thing", continued Principal Nezu, "the French government have agreed to sweep the whole incident under the carpet, as it were. Apparently the costs of repairing one of their frigates is offset by no-one finding out that they were using it to chase a bunch of teenagers." Class 1A had been assembled in their dorm common room for a debriefing of sorts. He allowed his gaze to wander around the room, noting the relieved expressions on all their faces. "While I think that the 'Pancake Effect' is worthy of further study... for now I suggest that you all get some rest."

Nezu took his leave, and the class slumped with sighs into the sofas and armchairs around the common room. Ashido groaned loudly. "God, I never want to set foot on another boat ever again!" Sato nodded as he sat and polished his hook-hand. "I know, right? And I can tell ya, after Tijuana? I'll never look at a bowling ball the same way!". This was met with a chorus of nods and mumbled agreements.

"Well," said Hagakure brightly, "I thought it was all a really cool adventure!"

The entire room scoffed loudly.

"Pfft! Oh, shut up, you weren't even there!", said Uraraka. Ashido nodded in agreement. "Yeah, don't try that bullshit with us, young lady."

"B-but...", spluttered Hagakure, "of course I was there! This always happens with you guys, it's so unfair! Just because you can't see me you forget about me!"

Sero barked with laughter. "Oh, come on! I didn't even hear you. If you were with us, what the fuck did you even do?"

Hagakure's gloved fists thumped the sofa in frustration. "I... I helped! I did! I HELPED!"

Todoroki cocked his head slightly. "Well, if you were there, perhaps you have some proof?" There was a pause, then Hagakure cleared her throat.

"Ahem... well, I certainly know my way around Samarkand now."

There was an awkward silence as Deku went tomato-red; then Bakugo growled and hit Deku with a cushion. "I am gonna straight-up murder you, ya damn nerd!" Deku ducked under the cushion as Bakugo swung it again, jumping up and backing away. "Whoa, come on, Kacchan - we all got back in one piece!" He gave a quick, guilty glance at Sato. "Well... most of us did." He looked around at his friends, his eyes bright. "And, I mean, it wasn't all bad, right? Some of it was fun?" There was plenty of eye-rolling and mumbling, but no one disagreed. Deku smiled, his eyes widening as he suddenly had an idea.

"Hey guys? Is anyone else hungry?"