Chapter Text
Sydney looked around the semi familiar dinner room, noticing a few differences at Natalie’s decoration. There was something about sitting on the same table she sat so many times opening up to Natalie, being vulnerable about whatever was bugging her, and trying not to give in to that same feeling. Or maybe it was the second glass of wine she was drinking. After Sydney came back to Chicago to be closer to her father, Natalie quickly asked her to have dinner and talk, they haven't been able to sit down and have an actual conversation in a long time, and even though Syd loves to visit Nat and her family, she knew deep down there was some ulterior motive for this meal, beyond the good food, wine and occasional gossip.
“So, do you have a job yet?” Nat said, right to the point.
“Well, I'm not rushing for anything right now, just trying to settle in and be with my dad first.” Syd answered, taking another sip of her wine.
And it was true, the main reason she came back to chicago. At first she didn't think the distance made much difference, until she got a call he was in the hospital and she was miles away. It was nothing serious, but her dad wasn't getting younger and he avoided telling her things he judged could be distracting. She obviously got back to chicago on the first flight to be with him, only coming back to L.A. to get her things and quit her job. Syd didn’t really know how long she had with him, and suddenly all the talk about becoming a great chef, and the next big thing sounded empty and superficial.
She knew she was a bad daughter, got too greedy and ambitious, let the work and the praise cloud her judgment and kept her too far from her home. Her father was supportive, for the most part, worrying about her safety, money and health but ultimately encouraged her to follow her own path. Sydney and Emmanuel were always very close, a dynamic duo. But lately Sydney was this solo artist, and it was getting too lonely.
“It’s probably not going to be hard for you to find one,” started Nat “You’ve been in some great places these past years, you got around.” Syd rolled her eyes at that.
“Yeah, the change was nice, but after a while It’s all the same in the kitchen. It gets kind of boring.” she shrugs.
“You sound like Carmy.” Natalie said with a warm smile, with no intention to make Syd uncomfortable.
This was the first time he was even mentioned in their conversation. They didn’t really talk about him when they called each other, especially after he visited her in San Francisco over a year ago. But some masochistic part of Sydney waited for some slip up from Natalie, mentioning him, how he was, if he missed her, any detail to feed her imagination. Other times she imagined that he was secretly listening to the call on Nat’s side, just to hear something from her.
“Well, I'll keep you posted about the job hunt.” Syd said.
“You know,” Nat put her wine glass on the table ”you can always come and work with us… at least temporarily.” She carefully proposed, knowing she was a delicate subject.
“I don’t think it was a good idea.” Syd said, avoiding the other woman's gaze.
Sydney would be lying if she said she didn’t fantasize about coming back, but usually was accompanied with a certain man on his knees begging for forgiveness and pleading with her to come back and save him and the restaurant from ruin. But not one of her scenarios was like this, like they were the ones doing a favor, welcoming her like she didn’t help build that place, as if she didn’t choose the plates, the paint on the walls, and spent all of her energy and soul on building that restaurant.
“And also, I don’t think he would agree to it.” Sydney didn’t need to say his name to Natalie to know who she was talking about.
“I disagree.” Nat said. “But Carmy’s not the only one who decide this things”
Sydney didn’t respond.
“Just promise me you'll think about it.” Nat took her hand on the table.
“I’ll think about it.” she said to appease Natalie and in exchange the other woman didn’t insist.
They changed the subject.
The rest of the night was good. They finished the bottle of wine. Syd got to spend a little time with the baby, who now was a kid who talked and walked, and saw a bit of Pete. But that offer didn't leave her mind. Even when she stopped at her father’s later that day.
“She offered me a job at The Bear.” she told him, both sitting on his sofa.
“And what did you say?” he said, sipping from his cup of tea.
“That I would think about it, but I'm not gonna take it.”
“Why not?” he looked genuinely puzzled by her answer.
“Why?” She scoffed, “Everytime i think about that place I remember how frustrated and anxious I was.” Even with the years that passed she still holds some resentment. “And I was clearly not appreciated. Why would I want to go to that place?”
Sydney knew it wasn't a good idea. She believed some things aren't meant to be messed with, and her relationship with that restaurant was one of them. After she quit, she decided to not think much about it. Everytime someone asked her how it was to work with Carmen Berzzatto, she gave a generic answer and changed the subject. Until now, it had worked in her favor.
“Closure?” her father offered. But she needed more. “I remember once that restaurant was once a place you loved and gave all you had to it. I haven’t seen this passionate in sometime.”
Sydney holded her tongue. She wanted to say that that was her mistake, to be too involved in something that wasn’t really hers. She gave her all and left with nothing.
Her silence didn’t go unnoticed. “I always thought it was special to you.” her father said.
That felt like ages ago.
“It’s a different place now, I probably wouldn’t even recognize it.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing, you’re different too.” he kissed her head “Maybe this time it would be different because of it.” He got up taking his mug to the sink.
“Maybe.” Syd said.
She definitely had changed, but maybe no matter how they change as people they wouldn’t be able to truly collaborate again. In all the different restaurants she worked after leaving The Bear, she realized that all her new experiences and confidence in the kitchen didn’t really matter if she still didn’t have the right merits. In the end, she still wasn’t in the same league as Carmy. Syd would be back at the place she left, trying to keep up with his erratic decisions and being shut down when he changed his mind.
Sydney could only hear the sound of her father washing the dishes in the apartment until he spoke again “You know, my daughter it's a big deal in the industry. A good luck charm to anyplace she steps on, very talented." she smiled at that.
“Dad, I don't think he wants me there.” she said so quietly that if he hadn't returned to the living room he could have not listened.
“Have you talked to him?” he asked and she denied “There’s only one way to know.”
Sydney groaned and sank her head on the couch cushion. This is the headache she’s been trying to avoid.
“But hey, what do I know?” he put his hand on her back “All I know is you’ll be fine regardless of your choice, I believe in you baby.” she turned to him and gave the best smile she could right now.
That night Sydney didn’t sleep. Her thoughts were still on the possibility and trying to plan her next steps given the fact her life was turned upside down. The reality is that Syd was tired of working for other people, to contribute and to share her ideas only to not be able to own them, or watch it become completely different. But she still was far from opening her own place. She could go to any restaurant in the city and try to get a job, but a little part of her wanted to walk in The Bear and see what would happen.
There was also, being around Carmen. They haven’t spoken since the weekend he spent with her in San Francisco and she has no idea of how it would be. Fortunately the physical distance helped her complex feelings towards him, keeping him totally out of her mind. Maybe not all the time, but for the most part. And as she had already learned, being around him again was enough to make those feelings come back to haunt her.
Her situation wasn’t the best, but wasn’t the worst she’d been. Something Sydney had learned about herself was how good she was at making the best out of a shity situation and coming out of it. The experience of dealing with bad bosses and chaotic restaurants was, in her opinion, enough to be able to deal with The Bear for a few months again. Enough time to gather herself, make the most of Carmen’s connections and build something that belonged to her - whatever that would be.
No matter how much Sydney enjoyed going around working in different kitchens, she was tired of running around. She wanted to stay home, be near her family and do her thing. The thing.
Or maybe she was just a masochist, craving being hurt again and again. Syd got her phone and texted Natalie. If she would be back, it had to be on her own terms.