Chapter Text
Softly spoken as they are, Elia’s words leave him breathless. He takes the wooden chair across from hers to keep himself from falling.
"Soon, much of the scrutiny upon us will fade. Then you needn't concern yourself with my needs which will allow you to concentrate solely on her and I could discreetly take a paramour to satisfy any possible 'needs' that I may have."
When he thinks he can find the words again, they do not come out steady. At his best he could have barely managed it and now… “Is that what you truly want?”
He hopes he heard wrong. He must, he thinks though he knew he had not.
“I think it best for us all.”
What Elia says is not true. She cannot mean it. She cannot believe it. Still, he hears the sadness in Elia’s voice and sees the tiredness in the curve of her shoulders. That alone makes him halt the words he should say. Instead, the words which leave him are: “Have I become so repulsive to you?”
When he could bring himself to look at Elia, she laughs; a weak huff of air. “That’s the thing, Rhaegar, you are not. Even if I had thought this, what does that matter when it had not before? To the realm I already look like a weak fool. Am I supposed to be one too?”
Her shoulders slump. “When it is obvious you do not desire me, I do not wish force myself upon you. Our lives are upended enough. Taking a lover is only solution I can think of that does not tear apart everything left.”
Slumping back in his chair, he shivers in horror. Multiple daggers coming at him would astonish him less. How could his Elia think this? This woman who he shared his life with beginning with those wonderful months on Dragonstone. The mother of his children; the mother of his heir. Elia is his queen. And how could she-
He barely stops himself from shivering again. He knows how she could think this. He had let himself glut without thinking what it meant for those around him and now… “No!”
She flinches. “No? Why?”
Not very hopeful of managing it, he tries to force his voice to remain steady. “You are wrong. I do still want you.”
Rather than take it as the affirmation he means it to be, she practically shakes with frustration. “Do not lie to me. We both know I am little more than an obligation to you. I have always been.” She finally ends with a deep, weary sigh.
He finds himself flushing. “You dare say that!”
She laughs. This sharp, sour thing he heard only once before. The merest memory of it forces him to brace for the impact of words certain to hurt him. “Should I think differently? I was not pretty enough to give flowers to. I did not give you the number of children you required. My presence in King’s Landing only amounted to 10,000 spears for the Crown. I am not worthy enough to be your only queen. Even if everyone is too polite to say it, the lowliest beggar in Flee Bottom knows me to be your obligation and nothing more.”
The sheer despair in her voice leaves him colder than he ever felt. His head shakes wildly and rises to move around the desk separating them, kneeling in front of her. He takes her hand. She lets him take it. Her hand is limp and cold. Elia’s hand is cold when it used to be so warm. It feels wrong. It is wrong. “It is not true. I know I treated you more than simply ill. It is my fault I did not think of how difficult any of this would be for you, but, do not dare think for one more instant that I do not want you here. I need you here with me. I want you with me, now and always.”
Her hand slip from his. As much as he longs to take it again, he knows any attempt will make things worse. “And where does that leave me, waiting for whatever scraps of attention you feel duty-bound to offer? Is that all I should hope for? Even if this is the best you can do, I do not want that.”
And that would not be good enough.
Because of it, now he must decide if he wants any part of his wife or none.
He exhales. He lets her hand go and rises to take his seat once again. “That is not what I meant.”
She grimaces and looks away again. “What you did mean?”
Along with the sour turn of his thoughts, a bitter taste settles in his mouth and sticks there. He cannot remain silent forever though. This prospect he never believed he would have to entertain...“If you will not bar me from your rooms, you can have your paramour.”
She flinches. “What?”
He does not want to be here thinking like this, offering such a “compromise”, but, what else does he have to contend with her wishes?
She would have slapped him if he argued she ought to remain faithful to him. He would let her, he thinks. In some ways, he is surprise she had not, yet. He can trust she would not be indiscreet when her own reputation and the children’s honor is at stake. Can he argue about the dangers of future children taking on unsavory characteristics when he strayed from her because there would be no more children from her?
“I have not treated you well, I say it now and I will say it ten times and a thousand times if that is your wish, but, please, please do not keep yourself away from me.”
He barely managed to restrain his shudder simply saying the words. He would give her anything if she would just look at him without exhaustion in her eyes and to feel her warm hands upon his skin. This is not what he wants, but, he cannot lose her like this when he does not want to lose her at all.
He’d been a fool to think he would not have lost her. That he had needed to come here to speak with her at all told him how deep the divide between them became. He fears where this may lead, but, that she expressly admitted her desire is enough to know that if she wants a lover, she would take one. “And what of Lyanna?”
He flinches. He never intended for Elia to be his wife in name only, Lyanna or no Lyanna, love or not, third dragon or not. “I never ended to be only hers and I never said I would be, but, if you like I will speak to her.”
She lets out an incredulous laugh, but, he is relieved there was no censure in it, or at least he hopes so. “Speak with her, not at her.”
He stares, not quite understanding. She huffs a soft laugh and explains, “If you must, talk to her, not at her. It is not one of your more endearing qualities.”
He flushes at how well Elia knows him. He jerks at the thought. He had not known her though. “Yes, of course.” He winces, thinking of how thoughtless he sounds.
“Should I tell her of this?”
Something undefinable passes across her face. “I think it might make her very happy if you do.”
Dread filling him, his brows furrow. “This is about Lyanna?”
He is too unnerved with what ought not to be to be comforted by Elia taking Lyanna’s sentiments into account. Were he in a proper state he might have thought it a marvel how half of Elia’s smile can show twice the amount of disdain. “With you it always is.”
Merely five words and the weight of them is far too heavy. Is that what this is about? Hadn’t she understood? Hadn’t he explained? Should he have tried it a different way? “No, it is not.”
“When you cannot stop holding her hand because she is too distraught to let me have time with my own husband why should I think differently?”
He bites back the retort and his frustration. “I came to you. You were asleep.”
She shakes her head wildly. “I let you whisper in my ears about how much care and affection you supposedly have for me far too many times.” She holds a fist. “You embarrassed me at Harrenhal for her.” She unclenches her thumb. “You vanished without a trace only to turn up nearly a year later and left me under your father’s tender attention for her.” She lifts a finger free from her clenched fist. “You brought her here without giving me even the slightest warning.” She lifts a second. “I should not have been put in the position of having to make arrangements for your wedding to someone else and you took it as your due.” A third. “On the night of the coronation I waited for hours for you like I waited years.” He is left staring at an open palm.
She shakes her head when she lowers her hand. “That night was the first since our son was born that I would finally have my husband back and you broke your promise to me. Time and time again you proved I cannot depend on you.”
“You can.”
Though she laughs her eyes glisten with unshed tears. “Only until Lyanna comes calling.”
She grins wryly. “I have grown tired of hoping I might matter to you, but, for the sake of my children I must accept what I cannot change about you.”
A sword through the heart would have hurt less than those words. “You think I do not protect our children?”
“When Targaryens are concerned, fortune is fickle enough. You ask if I can trust you when you are far more aware than I of how many Dragons have danced or if Maegor the Cruel had children who lived you would not be king now.”
Something heavy lodges in his throat at the accusation. “I will not favor Aegon over Jon.”
She smiles, all teeth. “Be it Lyanna or someone else, when you favor Jon’s mother over me, would no one continue to believe that? Why should I trust your word or your son’s mother’s?”
As horrified as he is at her thoughts, incredulity breaches his. “You think she, that girl down the hall, would seek to do something so vile?”
This smile is no less a sneer than the last one. “She helped herself to my husband. She pouted about not getting the wedding she wanted. Despite her numerous claims of only needing your love, she still took a crown for herself as well. She cried until you gave into her tears after it finally occurred to you that I might want one night with you after nearly two years. Why should I think she would never have designs to put her son on the throne?”
No! “She wouldn’t!” He would not let her! “I would not allow it.”
She shrugs. “Like Lyanna, Daena Targaryen was a queen who had a son. Unlike Daena, Lyanna’s son has his father’s name; the name you gave him; the name you gave them both. You know better than I the number of attempts it took to rid this house of that danger. You might ignore the risk; I cannot. And even if her thoughts are pure or will remain so, at the very least, would she not think to advance her son if it means mending the rift between herself and her living brothers?”
His shoulders jerk. Surely Lord Eddard wouldn’t-Cold grips him. Even if the younger was barely a man grown, what did he know of Eddard Stark aside from his being a man willing to fight because of his love of men dead far too soon? “You think they would pressure her?”
Elia looks down, but, not before he saw the expression he saw only once before when she heard his father’s jibes at his being presented with Rhaenys. It was an expression which meant she would choose her words very carefully so as to not risk the wrath of the volatile king before her. This knowledge sickens him as much as anything else he heard this night. “I think the sting of complicity, no matter how slight, in the death of one’s father and brother and the hurt of your living kin is caused by it, lessens when you can make your son into a king.”
This time he has to look away. “You are kind to her because you truly fear the possibility.” Surely she is mistaken. She has to be.
The way she looks at him, acquiescent and fatigued, almost makes him retch. “To give you up is a price I would gladly pay to secure my children’s legacy.”
Nothing given goes without a price.
He would like to argue further but, he does not. He cannot. If Elia is tired, he is spent.
He’d seen Lyanna’s face when he said he would go to Elia that one night, how he easily stayed until she calmed. The knowledge Elia had not waited, or cannot wait for him any longer burns his soul.
Unlike his father’s affinity for her bloodline recommended her as a wife for him when nothing else had, from the start, it was not just her intelligence and grace which drew Elia to him, but, she was one of the few who came close to understanding him. Even when he hurt her, she supported him.
Until today Elia has always been the personification of tact and now she has none for him. Trusting Elia would be by his side, he’d forgotten he married a woman who was a viper first and foremost and in his greed he ignored venom long held dormant. And so he will give her all he can, even if it someone else. After all, he demanded the same of her.
“You do not need to fear Northern ambitions be it Lyanna’s or her brothers. Jon will never be my heir. But, if a lover is what you want, you will have one provided you do not refuse me.”
Suspicious, she glares. “Why?”
Because he does not want to let her go. No matter what she might think, he cannot let her go. “You are my wife.”
“You have another.” He bites back his own frustration. Even if he wanted to, he cannot undo that.
He exhales. How could he tell her he does not want to let her go? No matter what she might think, he cannot let her go. What could he appeal to? Even as he asks himself the question, the answer comes to him. Gods…Was this the best he could do? This is what he must resort to so that his wife not turn away from him? “You only just told me how easy it was to give me up if it meant our children were secure.”
She laughs bitterly. “Was it not enough that you allowed your father to hold me hostage that you would do the same to me?”
He clenches his jaw before he says something he regrets. “It was you who think others might threaten our children; that they would whisper to Lyanna or those who would support such a cause. They would be less willing to whisper if there is nothing that could be whispered about.”
He grimaces at her surprised expression and how this is the path he must travel. “You are not the only one who can be logical, Elia.”
Prepared for more disgust or anger, he gets half a grin. “I suppose it is reasonable, under the circumstances.”
Reasonable? Is being reasonable going to govern much of his life from this point forward?
Because he cannot help himself he remembers something else. “There is one more thing I hope you will oblige.”
Her dark eyes flick to his. She frowns. There is, however, no surprise in her. “What is it you hope I oblige?”
He fights his own frown. She said ‘hope’ as if she believed it to be ‘demand’. But then, he thinks grimly, to her he proved to too demanding of a husband already.
At her expectant look, he replies, “I will chose him.”
She laughs again; this one sounded hollower than the last. “You will not let me even have that.”
She sounded resigned, as if she cannot be bothered with stirring up anger or irritation because of him. While he could have wondered at it, ire begins to simmer at the clear dismissal. Had he been any other man, a less guilty one perhaps, he might have had her arrested for treason the moment she mentioned taking a lover let alone allowed this.
When that thought comes across his mind, he almost recoils in horror. He is not Aerys Targaryen. He will not brutalize those who he believe fail him when he had been the one who failed first. Yet, it does not mean he will accept her disregard so easily.
“You are planning to cut me out of your bed if not your life completely, even when I tell you I desire it not. You, a queen, want to put horns on me. You can at least indulge this request.”
She snorts, her disgust plain enough. “I am supposed to trust you would do right by me?”
That she would distrust others, Lyanna, he could accept. To hear how she does not trust him so plainly said hurts.
“You have not given me a reason to and every reason not to.”
Whatever rage he tried to grasp fled swiftly, leaving exhaustion in its wake. That was it, wasn’t it? When he put that cloak against her back, he promised to be faithful to her, love her, protect her, and he failed to do each one.
“I have disappointed you.”
He gets nothing, not that he expected her to answer.
“I failed you before. Let me do better this time. Let me choose and I will not fail you in this.”
She nods. It is one of acknowledgment of his statement; not of hope or absolution. Wishing he received more than that and knowing he would fail to get it, he sighs. “Since this is the course you are set on, I would want it to be with someone I know whose motives will be pure.”
For a moment, her face twists. Despite the situation he finds himself in, his soft laughter follows hers. There is nothing ‘pure’ about one’s own wife offering to remove herself from the marital bed with or without taking a lover. There is nothing pure about either of them, he thinks. “I would rather be certain any lover not exploit vulnerabilities you might have.”
Her lips twitch.
“What is so amusing?”
“That my position is vulnerable is hardly a secret.”
This time, he nods. He had not needed Elia to tell him at its most wholesome King’s Landing is a sewer of greed and anointed king or not, he is too aware of how his own actions provided leverage for those who would seek it.
“All the more reason for me to be protective.”
Even when she does not trust his motives, he is not lying to her. If he cannot have his wife back completely, then he wants to ensure her security. For himself, his children, and for her. If she wants someone else, anyone else he wants to do this for her…It is the least he can do. Besides, if all she wanted was a paramour she would have attempting getting one already.
To his relief, she nods. “Well, since you insist on deciding, who can you think of would be amenable to such an arrangement?”
He no desire in picking a name.
The only reason he thinks up any is because he knows if she will not accept some part of him she might not want any part of him any longer. Of all the things he is willing to accept, that is not one of them. It will never be.
Though it had been his idea, he has more fingers on one hand than names he can think of. But, he had demanded he choice and he has no desire to lie to her again.
Of course when he gives her the name at the top of the short list her anger flares again. “Haven’t you trampled over my pride enough? Must you mock me?”
It shocks him. It infuriates him. He agreed to this. Why was she furious when he is intent on giving her what she wanted? “Despite what you might think of me, I am not mocking you! Is he not comely enough? Is he not gallant enough? Is there some quality of his you dislike?”
He has no desire to ask, let alone know for certain whether or not she knows man with qualities she would prefer in a lover. He also grows uneasy at the prospect of there being one already. But, why would this make her angry?
The way she stares at him, with her dark eyes so completely wide, unsettle him when he is already not at his best. His thoughts grow more disconcerted when she asks, “Of all the men you can think of, you chose a man so utterly devoted to you?”
Shaken, he barely contains his frown. Did she believe this was some sort of trap? Was that what she expected of him?
Remembering what befell his mother at his father’s hands Elia revealed to him just now while he would not fall that low, he is all too aware of how easy it is to be less than kind. How many days, weeks, months she has spent thinking of how much crueler to her he can become?
Painfully aware of how much they grew apart, he shakes his head wildly. She obviously misunderstood him. He had not meant to insult or trap her at all. “He is a man like any other. I do not think you would have to try very hard to bring out passions and desires long suppressed.”
This was hardly the ideal solution to his problem, but, this would be the most ideal of unappealing choices left to him. Seeing her attempt at giving him an expressionless face, he continues, “I know you think I do not I mean for you to have the best-”
Holding his hands up before she argues, he finds himself angrily thinking if he had thought of Elia before, he would not be in this position now. “It is true I choose him because he has shown unfailing loyalty to me, but, that means that I can trust him with you. I have been unsuccessful with making you happy thus far.”
“You went out of your way to make me unhappy.”
He breathes deeply at the stubborn words. He will not argue about this. Not again. Harrenhal and what stemmed from it will always hang between them. He should have seen it, but, had not wanted to and here was the result. He cannot mend this broken thing between them, but, he wants to ensure things between them are better from now on. If this is what needs to ensure it, he will make the effort. He has few options otherwise.
He almost laughs. Oh, he has options, only they would prove to her that he is the monster she likely sees him to be.
“Even if you do not see it, I never tried to hurt you.” When she goes to speak again, he shakes his head, “But, it does not matter because I did and I am sorry. If nothing else, know that.”
“You are certain of him.” The breath he’d been holding rushes out.
He considers her point though he does not want to. In the end, he has to admit, “He is a man just like any other. You are beautiful, kind, intelligent, and not without charm when you choose to employ it.”
She looks at him and only then does he realize how that could have been taken. He shakes his head. “I have no doubt you will entice him.” He knows this man enough to know Elia could do exactly that if she had a mind to.
He frowns when her shoulders slump. “I could not entice you.”
He shakes his head softly. That was not it at all. He frowns wondering why he could never find the right words with Elia. He never learned how to find them or rather he always tries to find them after it all goes wrong. “You do. You did. It is just-” He stops. There is no need to continue when she knew.
As if to prove his belief, not quite looking him in the eye, she morosely continues, “I couldn’t give you want you wanted.”
Shame burns through him once again for letting her believe it and for letting things to the point where she voices it. “You did better than anyone else could have done.”
It is a wonder she seems to accept the answer though it would not surprise him if she did not believe him.
“Do you think he will agree?”
That was a worry. Even if Elia did have an interest in taking any lover, the prospective one in question would have to agree and her point about loyalty to him would be a valid point of contention.
Unfortunately for him, loyalty to one’s master was one thing, the temptation of a willing woman, made of warm flesh, another. “He is a knight. Appreciation for the virtues of ladies comes naturally to that sort.”
She snorts. “I suppose so.” He wonders at the reaction, but, then he remembers his own forays into knighthood.
Ignoring the growing ache in his mind, he presses forward. “He is a good man who serves this family well. A good man.”
She returns, “Good men do not bed their lord’s wife or even think to do it.”
Something in her face makes him ask, “But, you do wish to find out?”
She shrugs. Part of him thinks her reluctance means she is not firm in her decision to take a lover, to forget this as he wants to do, however, for him to take things for granted brought them to this point. At least she appears to still trust his judgment somewhat, but, it is hardly something to take heart in. “He is a loyal man.”
She smiles at him crookedly.
He knows what that expression is. “What is humorous now?” He can find nothing humorous about this at all and despite her stated wishes, his Elia would never be so indifferent.
“Would he be loyal if he does this or does not?”
Despite the situation or perhaps because of it, the urge to laugh strikes him fiercely and he gives into it. “This is why I am sure of him. I think he would appreciate your wit.”
The way she looks at him now reminds him of their nights on Dragonstone. Gods, how he misses those first nights; Those first nights; the good ones away from his father; the ones so full of promise.
Just as quickly, those sweet memories fade into his stark reality where he discusses getting his wife a lover. He mourns knowing he will never have those moments again. Or if he does have them, he will have to share them with someone else. The pain filling him at that thought-
The knowledge that he all but tried to force her into “trying” with Lyanna being here does not make this any easier to accept that he has few options left than to do this.
“Suppose his loyalty to you will not stretch so far?”
He closes his eyes and rests his head against the back of the chair. “Then you may choose any one you wish and I will not protest.”
Before this he spent far many hours thinking of what Elia would do once things were settled. She could have ranted and raved. She might have threatened him with her brothers. She could have wounded him herself. She could have left. He understands why she would have done any of it and all of it and he would not blame her. Even if sparing Lyanna or him the guilt was not her aim, he is grateful she stayed. And the realm…He did not need these few weeks to know truly what Elia’s worth was.
“You will not?”
He closes his eyes. Her doubt stings.
Even if he did not love her the way she needed, to see any of his thoughts come to fruition would have destroyed him. It is a bitter realization come far too late. He opens his eyes again. “You could have gone and did not and I would like the opportunity to have earned it. Please.”
Though Elia looks dubious, he is resolved to keep this promise.
Elia bows her head. “I will of course ensure I am discreet.” She looks away, blushing slightly.
“I know.”
He also knows it is not because of him. She will do so for their children. While it hurts knowing he will never again be the forefront of her motives, it does not shock him. Knowing as he does now, he is certain she stayed because she would have had to leave the children behind and to do so, it would have destroyed her no matter how many visits he would allow.
She sighs. “Very well.”
He nods. “Yes.”
Elia looks relieved. “Then we have an accord.”
Accord. Even in his own mind the words disgust him. He lets out a shuddering breath.
He does not want this, but, that is the best he can hope for now. He learned Elia’s likes and dislikes, but, beyond his aims, when he should have, he never truly cared to know her much beyond what she could do for him. And that proved not enough.
His jaw clenches thinking of all his regrets and those that may yet come.
He gives her his own nod and leaves her. He does not look back. He does not want to know what he would discover if he did.
He glances back at the door now closed to him. He hopes it does not foretell a time when Elia is barred to him completely.
He turns around again to march down the hall trying to understand what had just became of his life.
He would laugh himself sick if he was not weary.
Oh, gods, even if his father was in the deepest of the Seven Hells he must be laughing at him now. His father’s strongest efforts to do as he thought best resulted in ruining other’s lives. His resulted in him ruining his own.
Marching across the thankfully empty hallway, he runs a hand across his face. Who can say where this will lead?