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There had been a loop in which you'd kissed Isa. Dragged him in because you were too desperate and lonely to discern your own shameful want from reason.
You tried not to think about it these days. But the pit that had formed in your stomach that loop never did manage to leave you, and Isa's eventual forgiveness after the loops' finale had not been enough to fix the revulsion its memory left in its wake within you. It stuck with you, churning away, reminding you of its presence every time you looked at Loop and wanted to just--
...
You... wanted.
And that was always the problem with you, wasn't it?
Ever since you had kissed Isa that loop, the very thought of rushing yourself into anything ever again had become repulsive to you. Disgusting, even when prompted by a brief moment of allure. Every time you'd get that confusing but warm little desire to get closer to Loop in any way that'd matter, the thought of placing a hand to their nape and dragging their light towards your own lips would spring to mind just moments before the texture of Isa's collar in your grip would strike through you like a damning reminder of what you were capable of. It would then be followed by waves of nauseating guilt, like you'd tainted them with your mind alone.
At first, you had thought that all you'd really wanted was to kiss Loop. To just feel them against your lips, then you'd be satisfied. It didn't need to have any deeper meaning than that, a single little urge you were oh so used to pushing down around them. But no, that wasn't it. After all, you'd... you'd had that with Isa, and that hadn't done any good for either of you, had it? After eliminating that explanation, you had figured that it wasn't the kiss itself you wanted, but rather the idea that Loop would let you. That they'd let you, welcome you, bring you closer and kiss you back because they wanted to kiss you just as much as you wanted--
No.
Closer, but that still hadn't been it.
Finally, one day, down by the river on Bonnie's request, Loop had given you the warmest eyes you're sure they've ever given you, and you knew right then exactly what it was you wanted. The realization had held no fanfare, no flash of heat through your system, no urges to dampen your mood with guilt. Just a slight widening of an eye and a brush of heat prickling at your cheeks. Anticlamactic to any observer.
And yet this precious realization had meant the world to you.
Loop's mind always seemed so caged off. Like they'd built their walls so high and sturdy that they'd never even begin to learn how to let them fall. It wasn't that you'd ever wanted Loop to let you do whatever you wanted, it was that... you... wanted to be let into their world. To be let in past their walls. You wanted to be told what they wanted from you, so long at they meant it. Even if that meant they didn't want to kiss you. Stars, especially if they didn't want to, because then at least that'd mean they trusted you enough to show you something that they felt. That was what differentiated the whole point from the previous.
If they were to let you in, what would they want? No, what would they admit to wanting? Would they admit it if they wanted to touch you? Would they admit it if they didn't? Would they admit it if they wanted to hold you? Would they admit it if they were scared? Would they drop their walls for just a moment of honesty? Would they admit it if they fell in love with you just as you had realized you'd fallen in love with them? Would they? Would they?
For you?
The answer had been obvious to you even then.
Even before the warmth had shut itself away from Loop's eyes to be replaced by nothing but cold pleasantry with a sickeningly fake laugh to take back the kind look they'd just given you. Even before they'd retreated into the treeline as if they'd realized the inch they'd given you, knowing you'd be greedy enough to want for the whole mile.
No. No, they would not.
And you...
Would have to be fine with that.
Because you could never ask for the absurd amount of vulnerability that you craved from them.
So from then on, you vowed to banish it from your mind. You wanted for so much, and they were willing to give so little. You try not to be greedy, you really do try.
But try as you may, that never stopped the fact that Loop was just as capable of bending to their own greed.
One late night, Loop had tried to get in a moment's rest with you in your tent. They had come up with every excuse in the world to sway your suspicions, nervously piling on one reasoning after the other. You had tuned most of it out. You'd already known the real reason, and Loop probably knew that too. Sleep was optional for them, but it was never happy. It was clear that they wanted to rest, but...
You'd been through the loops too.
Out of everyone, you should know that rest would never come easy for either of you.
It was clear that Loop had wanted to see if sleeping in your company would finally grant them the peace they wanted. And for their sake, you had honestly really hoped it would work.
It hadn't.
They had woken up frantic, barely able to focus. Most interestingly though, they had chosen to wake you up. You wondered how long they had sat there, deliberating, staring at you curled up in your bedroll before working up the courage to place a hand on your arm and gently shake you awake. You still remember the way they had quietly called out "stardust?" with the barest fear still etched into their shaken tone.
They never told you what they had dreamt, but you could guess from their tone alone that it had involved you in some capacity. You must have done something truly awful in their nightmare for them to look at you with such disquiet in their searching eyes though.
(You'd missed the way their haunted gaze had flickered down to your neck for the briefest of moments, needing to assess the damage before remembering the high collar of your lightless shirt obscuring it. They had glanced away, unwilling to ask if they could see.)
After your fumbling words and poor attempts at comfort had failed to ease them down, you had decided to think outside of the box, and you'd...
Offered to fight with them! Nothing serious, just... getting in some practice to keep them distracted!
Loop had looked even more upset once you made the offer.
Feeling as if you needed to defend yourself, you'd hurriedly come up with every possible explanation for why you had said it. It would keep your mind off of things, you had told them. It's hard to feel powerless when you're trying to gain the upper hand.
"It's not that I feel powerless," Loop had almost whispered, as if forcing the smallest truth out of themself.
You had stared at them for a moment, looking at their hunched frame. The way they were half leaned away from you with their arms held tight around themself, as if both holding themself together and holding themself back.
You had remembered the wild look you'd seen in their eyes when you had tiredly fluttered your eye open only a moment ago.
...
"...It's hard to feel too powerful when you know I'm capable of fighting you off?" You had quietly suggested.
Loop had gone silent.
This was a bad idea, you had thought, ready to backpedal and say no, nevermind, I'm sorry--
Then Loop had accepted.
And so, the two of you had left your tent and...
Fought.
In a sense.
It wasn't very serious.
You'd fought with all your best efforts for Loop's sake, while Loop had hesitated with every half-hearted move they didn't really want to make. As the fight progressed though, every physical touch began to... linger. You'd grab them and they wouldn't even make a move to shake you off until they absolutely had to. In fact, you'd feel the shudder travel through them as if they longed for a deeper touch, and you couldn't tell if you'd imagined it the first time you felt them outright lean into you. Without even thinking about it, you had adjusted your own moves to linger 'til the last second to appease them. And with each move from either of you, the line between fight and dance had begun to blur into something else entirely. But Loop's high energy never fled them. It was as if a string within them was being pulled more and more taut with each passing moment.
And a part of you wanted to see that string snap.
It wouldn't be an understatement to say that you had just let it happen when, towards the breathless end of your little fight, Loop had pressed you fully down into the grass as if they had wanted you to stay there. Despite the weight they had put into holding your upper arms down as if they were too scared to lose you should their grip wind up too loose, despite the tangled mess of desperation and self-loathing at war within their wide eyes, they had leaned into you with an askingly slow hesitation. They had trembled in the silence of the night as if they had wanted so badly to just dig into you and stay inside your ribs forever, and truthfully, you could not have possibly wanted for anything more. They had you pinned like a predator to its prey, and yet Loop's wanting eyes had held no such dangerous qualities in that moment. Only a plea, as if their shining eyes could beg without their knowing. To know that that look in their eyes had been pointed at you, just you...
Ahhhh... It drove you mad...
Loop had been the only light source in the darkness of that night. They had shone ever so elegantly against the blades of grass tickling your skin, while casting harsh shadows where their light could not reach. They were such a beautiful display above you, and you could only look on in admiration and disbelief. You wondered what it was you looked like underneath them for them to look at you like that. If you looked just as precious in their eyes.
Or maybe they were just lonely.
Maybe you were just there to make them feel better.
(You would take what you could get.)
It wasn't until you had lifted a heavy hand to their waist and given them the tiniest of tugs that they finally ducked down and kissed you.
So that was the night you had learned that they even could kiss.
It had felt... fuzzy? Weird? But in a way, you think you had liked that. They had felt so warm that their heat had been all-encompassing, but not as uncomfortably intrusive as a tongue might have been. It hadn't been wet, and you hadn't had to overthink just how unpleasant saliva could be. It had only felt like staticky heat wanting to burn you alive inside of itself, protected and whole but claimed within it. The prior spar had already left you breathless, so you hadn't lasted long before you needed air, pushing back on their shoulder like static electricity on your palm. But even then, you could barely get in a few deep breaths before Loop had captured your lips once more in that sensation like a starving animal. You had felt as if your insides could melt when Loop slid their hand up to your jaw and tilted your head even further back into the grass. So distracted in you, they likely hadn't even noticed that their hand had travelled up your throat to get there.
Kissing Loop had been so... unequivocally, incomparably... Loop.
And it was perfect.
You hadn't even cared that you were only there beneath them because of whatever nightmare they had of you. That they never would have shown you that they wanted this otherwise. You would never be able to unsee the sheer want that had filled their eyes, and you were pretty sure you had both been disappointed by the fact that Loop couldn't just bite into you like you both so clearly wanted.
You hadn't really noticed that your hands had snaked around their back until you felt their back curve up into your touch, trembling as their kiss grew ever so slightly frantic. Their hands tightened, one still on your jaw and the other gripping your upper arm, as if seeking your warmth out beneath the flesh. It was so clear what they wanted from you, and you did not hesitate to give it to them.
You put all your strength into your arms and pressed down on their lightless back, crushing their body down into you. The kiss broke as they gasped, hand spasming away from your jaw to grip onto your shoulder as if holding onto you would keep them from falling apart. You didn't ease up on the weight, and Loop's face dropped down to the junction between your neck and shoulder with. A. Whine.
You felt dizzy not just from your battles with oxygen, but the sheer rush of power that shot through your head at just the sound of it.
(Don't think about it. That rush will only turn itself into guilt.)
You ran your hands across their back as if massaging what may or may not could be considered muscle. Loop only shook harder, and they shifted their face towards your upper neck just over your collar. It was harder to really process it as a kiss without you being there to work your own mouth with it, but you could still recognize the sudden fuzzy sensation against your throat. You shook out a breath and clutched them even tighter, if it were possible. Loop lifted their head back up, and the warmth of their face was upon your lips once more. You kissed them back, trying to work up the same amount of eagerness that they had been displaying for you. But you couldn't quite compare. Not out of a lack of want, but for the sheer magnitudes of Loop's.
Not having noticed their arm move, you flinched in surprise when you felt a hand fall upon the hem of the shirt atop your abdomen. Considering you had them practically crushed against you, there was no hope that they hadn't felt it. Their hand went completely still, and they pulled back from the kiss to freeze an inch away from your lips. Quietly panting for air, you quickly assessed the situation.
Most people would associate the act of getting under someone's clothes as... well... sexual.
You'd seen how they'd reacted the moment you pressed down on their back like that though. You'd felt how they had shuddered every time you touched them during your prior little fight. You'd seen how they had held themself in the tent after waking you up. You knew what that was, and it wasn't sexual. Not on its own.
Loop had been you once. Or by this point, more so a past version of yourself. And if you knew anything about yourself, it was the hunger for skin thrumming beneath your own that you were always pushing down, because you were always just too fearful to ask anyone to appease you for something so vulnerable.
Loop clearly wanted you to be vulnerable though.
They wanted to feel warm skin. And lucky for them, you just so happened to have that.
But they weren't going to ask for it. Not through words, and not through gesture. It was just too shameful of a thing for people like you and them to request.
You could answer though.
You released an arm from Loop's back and lessened the tiresome weight on your other, immediately causing them to flinch back as if you had just entirely rejected them. Not wanting to waste a single second lest they retreat (you didn't want to how the next day would go if they were to retreat tonight under the assumption that they'd gone too far), you took ahold of their wrist and slipped their hand up beneath the hem of your shirt. Still being unused to most touch, tingles erupted from where you'd slid their hand up onto your stomach. But even then, you did not release them.
Their hand... twitched. Then curiously inched higher to just below your ribs, causing your shirt to ride up just enough to expose your skin to the cold night air. It made you feel feverish, the chill against your heated skin. Despite you having brought their hand up yourself though, they still... hesitated. As if allowing themself to indulge would be taking too much from you.
The two of you had been avoiding saying a word lest it shatter the haze you were both in, but...
They had to know this wasn't wrong. They had to.
Your tongue unstuck from the roof of your mouth.
"It's okay," you quietly whispered. Although it had been meant to be received as permission, Loop must have rather interpreted it as comfort, as your proximity to their face allowed you to just barely hear a near inaudible whimper. Your heart ached in your chest for them. If you could allow them your warmth, then you would. You wanted to give yourself to them.
As an extra nudge to encourage them, you arched your back up to press your belly into their hand. Now having enough room between your back and the ground though, Loop took the opportunity to push your shirt up to just below your chest before fully circling their arms around you and pressing themself down against your soft exposed skin. Their face dropped back down near your neck and cheek as if they were trying to cozy up against any inch of skin you could offer. The amount of skin-to-skin contact you'd been given took its full vibrant effect. A burning, tingling sensation overtook your skin and rolled through you to dizzy your mind. All you could feel was Loop, on your stomach, on your back, by your neck. Your breath hitched, and for a disorienting moment, you could only focus on your strained breathing as you tried to adjust to the contact.
It didn't seem like Loop was faring much better, judging by the harsh tremors travelling through their body from head to toe.
Oh.
You were shaking too, actually.
Ahah.
Stars, you had needed this. At least your party touched you from time to time, but Loop? Loop wouldn't let them even if they tried. You couldn't even imagine how much more Loop needed this than you.
You secured both arms back around their body and pressed all of your weight down onto them once more, crushing their stomach against your own. Loop quickly ducked their head to your shoulder to hide a tiny involuntary yelp, their hands clutching you with such a tight desperation that you could only hope their fingers would leave you bruised if only so the touch would linger.
Their face stayed firmly stuck in your shoulder, and their shaking steadily worsened until you finally noticed that the worst of it was centered on their shoulders. Only then did you register the growing cold-- no, wet spot on the fabric of your shoulder.
Loop was silently weeping.
You... were holding Loop. As they were silently weeping.
They were letting you hold them, because they wanted you to.
It felt painful, trying to push back the overwhelming amount of love swelling up within your heart for your other self. You knew, no matter how much you'd have to be fine with it, that Loop was not doing this because they loved you. They were only doing this because they needed it.
You couldn't help the somber feeling that reminder arose in you, somewhat sobering you up as you remained clutching at their shaking back.
Perhaps a little too self-indulgently, you tilted your face to the side and pressed a soft kiss to the side of Loop's head, the ambiguous border of fuzzy sensation tickling your lips. Immediately after, you heard the tiniest of unrestrained sobs become muffled into your shoulder. Perhaps such a tender act revealed a little too much of your heart, but you would never get this chance again once Loop remembered their own walls.
You laid there, for as long as it took for them to quietly sob into your shoulder. You laid there, even as the chill of night raised goosebumps on your skin. You laid there, until their sobs settled back into silent crying, then finally no crying at all. Your arms had grown tired and aching, slowly losing pressure upon their back. And with the tears having sapped out all of Loop's energy, their hands at your own back had slackened with time. Still, the ghost of their fingers' former pressure still stung as if present.
You stared up at the night sky over their shoulder, clouds slowly sweeping away to reveal the twinkling stars above. For a long time, you made no further move, and neither did Loop, as if they were still longing to reap the benefits of your skin for just a moment longer. Just a second longer, to memorize what it felt like to be held.
And then they finally moved.
Ah.
...
It was over, then.
You released Loop's back as they weakly pulled away. You'd gotten so used to feeling them against you that it felt lonely to have them leave, and you could tell by their brief wince and falter upon crawling themself backwards onto the grass that they had also felt that same loneliness. They sat down in the grass, a few feet away from you with their face ducked down to avoid letting you see their expression. In equal silence, you pressed your hands down into the grass and pushed yourself up to sit, your shirt falling back down to cover you. You stared at them until you couldn't. Face warm, you... shyly lowered your gaze as well.
The two of you remained sitting in silence for a long time, all the while still avoiding eye contact. It made you want to squirm, be still, beg them to say something, and silently plead for them not to say anything at all. The air was tense, and the two of you were still violently flustered. Perhaps even more so, as the sobered atmosphere began to let the night's events sink in. Finally, you heard the sounds of Loop shifting around, and you watched them cautiously stand up from the corner of your eye. Following their lead, you silently stood up with unexpectedly weak knees.
The two of you walked through the trees and back towards the tents with a slow, almost ashamed gait. Neither of you spoke a word, and, by the time you saw your tent, you already instinctively knew that Loop would not be following you in this time. But at least they had led you there. True to your expectations, they just stood stock-still behind you as you opened the flap to your tent. Still, you did not look their way, but you wondered if they were looking at you. You crawled half inside, before hesitating. You didn't want to end the night without saying at least something. It didn't feel right otherwise.
"Goodnight," you shyly mumbled just loud enough for Loop to hear, ducking your head before remembering that you had no cloak collar to hide behind. They didn't respond, but you didn't hear them walk away either.
You felt light-headed.
"You," you faltered, staring down at the tent floor. Your hands were slightly shaking. "You're allowed to come back in if you want t--"
"Goodnight," Loop quietly cut you off, voice a bit raspy from their earlier crying session. You couldn't help but feel your heart sink from being shut down at such a vulnerable time, but you could still recognize the apology in their tone.
Strangely, it felt as if they were apologizing for more than you could figure out though.
You heard Loop walk away from behind you, the sounds of grass parting for their steps growing more and more distant by the second. You did not move your gaze from the floor.
Alone with your thoughts as they've always left you, you dropped your embarrassingly dark face into your hands and took in a long deep breath. You would scream into a pillow if any of them were high enough quality to muffle the sound.
Stars!!!
Loop would be the end of you.