Archive of Our Own ^beta

It started with Hero.

Well, it started with Sunny and Basil. Or really, you could say it started all the way back with Mari. But all of that had happened a few years ago. Everyone was slowly beginning to heal. Or so it seemed.

His college roommate was the first person to find out. A folded note sat neatly on top of his perfectly made bed. The nice handwriting within begged for forgiveness for leaving everyone behind. He never wanted to cause anyone to grieve, but he couldn't take it anymore. Every day, the deaths of his friends tore at him more and more. If only he had loved Mari more, if only he had been a better friend to Basil, if only he had been more insistent on reaching out to Sunny. Sunny was all he had left of Mari, he explained, and he had let him go. The guilt of it all was eating him alive. Of course he never could've changed any of it, but he blamed himself all the same.

Hero's body was nowhere to be found. He didn't want his roommates to be greeted by the sight of his corpse when they returned home. After a few days of searching, he was found hanging from a tree on the outskirts of town that was rarely frequented. So considerate of others, even in death. His family was grateful to find his body. They buried him beside Mari's grave.

Kel and Aubrey sat next to each other at the funeral. As the clergy gave his speech, long, boring, barely doing Hero's vibrant personality any justice, Kel observed the girl sitting next to him. A young woman, really, by this point. Her black roots were growing out, matching her knee-length funeral dress. It looked kind of loose on her, now that he thought about it, as if it had once fit well and something about her had changed. Mari's headband was tied around her wrist. Even after all these years, she never took it off. Kel felt a pang of jealousy; he wished he had something like that to remember Hero by.

When the preacher had finished his speech, and the crowd began to dissipate, he turned towards her. "Hey," he began, somewhat uncomfortably.

"Hey."

"Kind of crazy that we're the only ones left, isn't it?"

Aubrey stayed silent for a long time, staring forward into the distance. Kel was about to try to say something else to break the silence when she finally spoke up.

"Yeah," she said with a laugh. It was a hopeless laugh, strangled and unnatural, sounding forced out of her throat. "You know, I never thought I'd make it this long."

"What do you mean?" Kel inquired.

Aubrey sighed, brushing her hair out of her face. "I thought I'd be one of the first ones of us to go. I mean, I was in a really dark place after Mari passed. I wasn't sure what would happen to me. Maybe I'd kill myself, maybe I'd end up dead in an alley. I didn't really care anymore." She turned to face Kel, finally looking him in the eye. He could see that she was beginning to tear up. "It was terrible when we lost Sunny and Basil. Especially after I was so horrible to both of them." Tears began to slide down her cheeks. "And I never would've expected Hero of all people to die before me. I thought he was gonna grow up and help people and change the world and shit. Sometimes," she admitted, "I think it should've been me instead."

Kel nodded. He understood. Sometimes he felt like Hero was just so much better than him, and that was something Kel could never live up to. Sometimes, he wished his best friend had lived instead of him. He felt like the worse brother, the worse friend. So why had he been the one to survive? Life was just unfair like that, he supposed.

Aubrey sniffled. "At least you'll outlive me, right?"

Kel forced a grin. "You can count on me, Aubergine," he teased.

But he wasn't so sure anymore.

From then on, Aubrey heard from Kel less and less. Not that she made much of an attempt to keep in contact, but it almost seemed as though he were avoiding her. Occasionally, though, she still saw him around town. He was starting to look...different. His hair had started to grow out, and it was unkempt, as though he rarely took the time to brush it. He had dark circles under his eyes, so noticeable that Aubrey could see them from across the street, and his skin looked pale, almost grey. He was also losing the muscle definition he'd put on in his teens. Sometimes they'd walk by each other, and he'd wave and say hi, but that was the extent of their interaction.

Aubrey found herself starting to avoid people too. Hanging out with her friends felt like too much. She didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to be asked how she was doing for the hundredth time. She was doing bad. That should be pretty obvious.

She started staying inside most of the time. Eventually, she even began skipping school. No one was there to stop her. Her mother didn't care. She probably didn't even notice. Aubrey could feel a nagging voice in the back of her head, telling her that Mari would've cared, but she ignored it. Mari wasn't around anymore, so what was the point?

One night, she found herself needing to get out of the house. She was a little hesitant to be going out so late, but she was strong. She had her bat. Besides, she felt so stifled that she couldn't stay inside no matter what. Quietly, so as to not wake her mother, she crept downstairs, opened the door, and headed out into the night.

The streets closest to her house were empty. Warily, she clutched her bat, jumping at every shadow. Eventually, she began to realize she was alone, and started to relax. She wandered aimlessly, feeling comforted by the solitude. This was nice. She'd have to think about going out like this more often. She hadn't even realized how much she'd missed being outside until now. She still wasn't up to hanging out with anyone, but getting out of the house made her feel like there was a weight lifted off of her shoulders.

Gradually, she made her way to busier streets. Cars began to pass by, not taking any notice of her. She decided to make her way to the closest highway and then turn around and head home. Just as she approached the heavier flow of traffic, however, she saw something sprinting towards her.

Immediately, she prepared her bat to attack. Adrenaline pumped through her veins. She was ready to take on whatever this was.

"Whoa, whoa," said a familiar voice.

"Kel?" she dropped the bat in surprise. What was he doing out here so late?

"Hey, Aubergine," he greeted her. "What are you doing up at this hour?" he teased.

"I could ask you the same question." She couldn't decide if she felt more annoyed or concerned. "Why were you running at me like a maniac?"

"Oh, that's just a game I've been playing lately," he explained. "You wait for a car to come speeding down the road, and then you run out in front of them and see if they'll stop. They always have so far." He seemed a little disappointed at that, but Aubrey didn't think much of it. "Wanna give it a try?"

"I'll pass," said Aubrey. In the light of the streetlamp, something caught her eye. Kel's arms and hands were covered in little marks. Some of them were scabbed over, and he had a few bruises, but most of them looked closer to...burn marks?

"What's up with that?" She nodded towards his arms.

"Oh, haha, I guess I must be getting clumsier with stuff around the house." He laughed it off. His voice dropped lower, as though he were a little ashamed. "It kinda feels good sometimes, though. Makes you feel real again. Like you're still living." He picked at one of the scabs. "You ever feel anything like that?"

Aubrey thought about it. She remembered the fights she'd gotten into, the way the strong blows had made contact with her skin. She thought of the rush she'd gotten from it, the thrill of knowing that even if she won she'd still wake up the next day aching, and spend the next week pushing on her bruises to make them sore. She recalled the times she'd punched the wall, the feeling of the solid surface against her skin, making her knuckles sting. The pain had always calmed her down, brought her back to the present moment. It stopped her from saying things she'd later regret.

"No," she finally answered.

Kel shrugged. "Maybe it's just me then. See ya around?"

Aubrey picked her bat up off the ground. "I dunno. I haven't been at school much lately."

Kel grinned. "Me neither. You should come by my house sometime. It's been a while since we've really gotten to talk."

Aubrey nodded.

But she wasn't so sure that she would.

It turned out that Aubrey would never get the chance. After a month or so of staying inside and rarely seeing anyone, she got a call from Kel's mom telling her that he had died. It was a car crash. He'd been going 90, all alone, in the middle of the night. Apparently, he'd been driving recklessly like that for a while now, and it had finally caught up to him. Aubrey could barely offer her condolences shakily before hanging up the phone and bursting into tears.

She didn't know what she was most upset about. Obviously she was upset that her friend had died. That went without saying. But it was more than that. He'd been showing signs of not doing well, openly acting recklessly, and it was so obvious in hindsight. She should've known. He gave her an opportunity to hang out with him. She should've taken it. She could've stopped this, prevented her last real friend from dying. And it was true. He really was her last true friend. The hooligans didn't count. Not a single one of them had bothered to check up on her since she stopped interacting with people. But worse than all of that was what he'd said. He'd told her, he'd promised that he would outlive her. And now he was gone. And she was still very much alive.

She raced upstairs and rummaged through her room, finally finding what she'd been looking for. The last bottle she had left. She'd tried so hard to quit drinking, and she had done really well. The last time she drank was after Sunny and Basil's funeral. She hadn't even resorted to it when Hero died. But this was different. She'd given away the rest of her alcohol to her friends when she quit, but she'd decided to keep one bottle around, just in case. She thanked herself for it now. Immediately, she opened it and chugged down as much of it as she could handle. Her throat burned and she felt sick to her stomach, but she knew it'd all be worth it soon. As all of her worries faded away, she briefly entertained the thought of how disappointed Mari would be, before forgetting all of her troubles completely.

It wasn't enough, of course. She woke up feeling violently ill. She groaned and rolled over, trying to go back to bed, until she remembered what had happened. That made her feel so much worse. There was a sickening feeling in her chest, and she idly wondered if she could die of heartbreak alone. Immediately, she finished off the rest of the bottle from the night before, and then headed out to the grocery store to steal more. Fortunately, even in her drunken state, she didn't get caught.

At first, it wasn't so bad. She went to the funeral alone, and nobody noticed her or offered any comfort. Figuring it was justifiable after such a hard day, she drank a lot that night. Then she started drinking about once or twice a week, just whenever the memories became too much to bear. As guilt crept up on her, that became more and more often. It was every other day. Then every day. Then twice a day. The amount of alcohol increased too. She began to find that the amounts she'd acquired to last her for a week were lasting her barely a couple of days. It got to the point where she couldn't let herself stay sober for any amount of time. Every time she could feel reality starting to hit again, she drank more. And more. She drank from the moment she woke up until the second she passed out, stopping only to go and buy more alcohol.

Eventually, it began to stop working. She needed more and more alcohol to achieve the same effect. Memories started slipping in through the cracks. She'd lost everyone. She couldn't even decide who's death hurt the most. Kel's stung from being the most recent, but Mari's ached because they'd been the closest. And she felt so guilty for all of them. She couldn't help but think that if she'd just been closer, just been a better friend, just been nicer, none of this would've ever happened. That was the way Hero had thought too, wasn't it? But it was actually true when it came to Aubrey. She was sure of it.

As the days passed, she began to feel violently ill, but that didn't stop her. She was always freezing cold, and couldn't bring herself to eat without throwing everything up. It became harder to breathe, but she didn't even care. Anything to avoid thinking about everything she'd lost.

One night, as she nursed one of the last bottles she had, she was hit by a realization that made her feel stone cold sober.

She was dying.

Her heartbeat sped up, and the feeling of panic rose in her chest. She was so young, only a teenager. What was she doing? She needed to stop this, to get help, to turn her life around and live on to honour her friends' memory. If she was the last one alive, she needed to make something of herself. Kel would have wanted her to keep going, even without him. Hero would have believed in her. Basil and Sunny would have wanted her to keep improving herself, making up for the ways she'd acted in the past.

Mari would have wanted her to live.

It was too late, she realized, as she slipped out of consciousness for the last time.