Work Text:
Monday mornings where always awful, Harry Greene and his goons where always extra annoying on the picnic benches at the school gate, as if two days without seeing the general population of Truham had them in some sort of stupidity withdrawal or something. Charlie had managed to avoid most of the chaos by slipping in with a crowd of students, only stopping long enough to send a scoffing look in Ben’s direction.
Ben had been his first kiss, and second, and third, Charlie had almost believed him to be his boyfriend when not three weeks in, the arsehole had kissed his girlfriend (who Charlie didn’t even know existed) right at the school gate, in front of everybody, Charlie included. What had proceeded was predictable really, Charlie had cried alone in the bathroom, had lied unconvincingly to his friends and had called Ben off on his Instagram DMs, ending their association and blocking him in the process. Ben had tried reaching out to him exactly once before winter break, but some bloke from the rugby team had been passing by, scaring him off, if there was something Ben was terrified of was being found out.
It was February now, Charlie had moved on, but he still couldn’t help the glaring whenever Ben was in close proximity. Now though, safely inside the school and out of reach from the rest of the oafish rugby lads up front, he was dreading the beginning of a new school week once again. He was caught up in his head, going through everything he had on his plate for the week, a nervous habit he’d developed in primary school after missing some assignments, he’d been so focused on remembering everything that he almost missed it.
A sliver of paper, nice white cardstock, fluttered down from his locker the moment he opened it, he didn’t remember leaving anything similar in there the week before, so it must be new, but what is it? He bends down to grab it but doesn’t really look at it, it feels heavy for some reason, important, and reading it in the corridor where anyone can see feels like the wrong thing to do.
He pushes the cardstock in between his books and heads for his form room, he’ll find time to read the thing at some point during the day, there are more important things to do right now, namely, Nick Nelson, more specifically, watching Nick Nelson sitting next to him, mustering up the courage to talk to him and failing miserably, as he had been since their first day back from winter break.
You see, Nick Nelson was the embodiment of sunshine, he was bright, sweet, nice looking, had red-blond hair, warm brown eyes and a pretty, lopsided smile that made Charlie’s heart flutter, his obvious crush on the boy was enough to make Tao angry, annoyed at Charlie’s constant straight boy crushes, but that was all it was, a crush. They were still stuck at the “Hi” phase of their acquaintanceship, sitting next to one another in form as per sitting plan from Mr. Lange, still, Charlie had seen plenty of interactions between Nick and other people to know a little about the boy, and everything he’d seen so far, he liked, he’d convinced himself that was the reason he hadn’t been able to let go of the crush he had, nothing related to the sly looks Nick seemed to throw in his direction from time to time whenever they were in close proximity.
As curious as he was about the cardstock, watching Nick Nelson shine with the morning sun rising behind him was much more important, so the paper slipped his mind almost immediately after he’d entered the classroom.
“Hi” he heard from behind as he walked to his usual table, he’d recognize that voice anywhere, has been daydreaming about it for weeks already, Tao hates him for it.
“Hi” he says back, turning to look at Nick as he slowly approached the same table he’s settling in.
Their interactions usually end there, a small hi and that’s it, Charlie’s fine with that for now, still doubting if he has enough courage to talk through the literal knot that forms down his throat whenever Nick is in close proximity, today however seems to be full of surprises.
“How was your weekend?” Nick asks, sitting next to Charlie and moving his chair slightly to face him a little bit.
Charlie takes a deep breath, completely shocked at hearing Nick talk to him, ask him a question, express any type of interest.
“f-fine, I stayed in… playing with my little brother a bit, he has a cold and has been a bit miserable really, which in turn means the rest of us are miserable too, that’s probably one the first skills six year olds learn” great, weeks of no talking and now no one can shut him up, there’s something called oversharing Charlie, and you’re doing it.
“sorry “he winces “h-how about you?” Nick just looks at him with the same lopsided smile he has every day, listening attentively to his answer, Charlie doesn’t know what to do with himself, he’s never been subjected to that level of attention, especially coming from a boy such as Nick, he’s so focused on panicking on the inside he almost misses Nick’s reply.
“same, I don’t have a younger brother though, unfortunately, I’d love to, I get along with kids” he smiles again, it’s almost like smiling is his default setting, Charlie had never in his life met someone that smiled so much.
“you can have mine if you’d like, give him back when he’s less annoying” Charlie replied, amazed at his quick answer and the snort Nick made, he’s winning today it seems.
Mr. Lange calls for silence so he can take attendance, and their conversation is cut short, if it weren’t for the seriously ridiculous number of butterflies flying in Charlie’s stomach right now, he’d be disappointed, but he’s seriously scared some of them might escape through his mouth if he doesn’t keep quiet, he’s earned a laugh from his crush, maybe this week won’t be that bad.
They stay in silence as they wait for their names to be called, Charlie moving his books around to find something to do with his hands.
“What is that?” Nick asks, pointing at the cardstock Charlie had pushed between his books, he’d honestly forgotten about it, Nick had chosen that day to start talking to him, there was no room for anything else in his mind at the moment, but now, with his nervous energy pushing him to move his books around, the cardstock had come to light and he’s suddenly reminded that the day started long before Nick started talking to him.
“oh! Something I found on my locker this morning I- I guess I should see what it is” he whispers, turning it around carefully.
It’s a note, words written in nice calligraphy, blue ink covering the nice white space in the middle of the card, it’s honestly not what Charlie expected at all, not that he had any expectations really, the cardstock had barely been on his mind all morning, but for some reason, now that he could see the words written in it, he felt surprised.
I’ve no idea how I never noticed you before, you’ve been there the whole time and just now I manage to open my eyes and notice, I’m an idiot, I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time not knowing you when I could’ve approached you so many times over the years and just said “hi, I think you’re gorgeous, let’s hang out”
I wish I could be that cool, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not, hence the anonymous note.
X.
Charle’s heart fluttered, this is the first time he’s received such a thing, for a moment the butterflies in his stomach multiply, small and energetic before, they now feel gigantic, dancing in circles around his insides, hitting the walls of their confinement and almost making him cramp. Could this possibly be written for him? Was there really someone in this school that thought this about him? That felt this way about him? He re-read the words once, twice, three times, heart still fluttering in his chest.
And then Ben’s voice came to mind, who could ever think about him this way? He was nothing special, there was nothing noteworthy about him at all, no one would ever describe him as gorgeous, this must be for someone else, someone pushed the note into the wrong locker, unaware that Charlie would be the recipient of such nice words.
“Well?” Nick asks, still looking at Charlie who’s been staring at the card for far too long “what is it?”
“it’s a note” Charlie replies, small sad smile adorning his face, he puts it back in between his books, chest tightening at the words he’s now committed to memory “it’s probably for someone else; it doesn’t have a name so…” he finished, crossing his arms over his chest, looking at anything but the boy next to him.
“w-why couldn’t it be for you?” Nick asks, Charlie doesn’t feel like answering.
The bell rings just in time, he sends a small smile Nick’s way and stands up, leaving as fast as possible, things like this don’t happen to him, he shouldn’t get his hopes up.
He spends the morning in a daze, half wishing the words in the note were for him, half wishing he hadn’t gotten them at all, there was no way the card was for him, he just knew it, but that momentary feeling of hope, that sliver of something he’d felt when he thought maybe someone liked him like that had been torture, because now there was that tiny thorn stuck in his heart, painfully reminding him that this was something other people felt, that this was something someone felt in his school, but not for him.
He showed the note to Tao and Isaac over lunch and even sent a picture of it to Elle, pretending to be nonchalant about it.
“Someone will be obviously pissed that they put their note in the wrong locker” Charlie explained to his friends, putting the note away and unwilling to look at it again.
“why can’t it be for you?” Isaac asks, and he sounds honestly confused, as if he didn’t know how hated Charlie was at some point in their school. Charlie sent him his best seriously look, but didn’t feel like answering verbally, Isaac was a romantic at heart, he’d find a way to look at it the rose-coloured way and he wasn’t in the mood for that.
“don’t you see what this means?” Tao says, looking at his friends with a conspiratory glimmer in his eyes “there’s probably someone else who’s gay at Truham” he finished, rolling his eyes as if hating how slow Charlie and Isaac could be.
Charlia hadn’t thought of it that way, even if the note wasn’t for him, it did mean someone else liked boys in his school.
“Now I kind of want to know who they are” he whispers, looking at his peers in a new light now, somewhere in the school there’s someone else who’s gay and probably hiding, just as Charlie had before he’d been outed.
“whoever it is, I hope he gets the right locker next time” he finishes, Isaac rolling his eyes at him from his seat.
By the end of the day, Charlie makes sure to write a small “C.S.” at the bottom of his locker, nothing that can be considered vandalism or anything, just a small warning, a “make sure you got the right one this time” sort of message to whoever had put the note the week before.
Tuesday morning had been more of the same, he unfortunately didn’t manage to pass by Harry’s table unscathed, so he’d taken a hit from a rugby ball to the back of his head, a blonde girl with blue eyes silently running to get it after, apologizing softly to him.
He cursed all the way to his locker, wishing all kinds of evil to Harry and his lot without actually hoping for death, just a stomach bug, explosive diarrhoea, a chipped tooth, a giant zit, anything that could prove Karma was real.
Just like the day before, he got his books from his locker, this time, there was no card fluttering to the floor. I knew it he thought, stomach shrinking, he didn’t want to admit it, but he’d hoped there would be another card today, something that would prove to him that they were in fact for him, that the person was not mistaken and that there really was someone in school that felt that way about him, but alas, no such thing.
He swallowed the vile that suddenly rose up his throat, took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, this is what life is like, this is what he was destined to feel, at the very least for the next three years he had of secondary school.
Nick showed up to form five minutes before the bell rang, he barely managed a “Hi” before he was off to make excuses to Mr. Lange and then to his first class of the day, it was almost as if Charlie’s ill wishing this morning had turned on him with a vengeance, there was nothing to lift his spirits that day.
He hid in the art room for lunch, picking at his sandwich and managing half, Mr. Ajayi silently watching him from his desk, none of them said anything, his teacher knew very well not to pressure him and Charlie was sure he’d come to him sometime during the week, when the queasy feeling in his stomach was gone and he felt like he could talk about it without bursting into tears.
By the end of the day all he wanted to do was get home, crawl under his covers and never see the light of another day.
His stomach dropped when another piece of paper fluttered from his locker just as he opened it to leave the rest of his books. It took him a second to crouch down and get it, his heart beating a mile a minute in his chest, heat rising to his cheeks, this couldn’t be real.
He checked for the small “C.S.” he’d left the day before, they were still there, there was no way someone had missed them while standing so close to the locker, and you needed to get really close to push a note in it.
He took the note then, ran to the bus stop with it and didn’t look at it until he was alone, tears springing into his eyes for no apparent reason other than the overwhelming pressure in his chest. The same blue penmanship as yesterday stared at him when he finally dared to look.
Bumped into you today before my last class, I wanted to say something, but my words got stuck in my throat, Charlie I can’t explain what you do to me, but know this, there’s someone in this school whose stomach is in knots every time he sees you and is slowly and silently mustering up the courage to say something.
That someone is me btw, please don’t go finding other men to charm.
X.
Charlie, It said Charlie… as far as he knew, there was no other Charlie in the corridor his locker was in, there was no way the person could be so wrong, the note was for him, it said his name, it said a bunch of other things too, pretty things, sweet things, things that made him want to cry for a whole other reason now. The paper and handwriting were the same as the note from the day before, the colour of the ink too.
“yesterday’s note was for me as well” he whispered, suddenly feeling faint, someone, somewhere in the school, thought he was gorgeous, someone thought he was worth noticing, they felt knots when they saw him, him, Charlie Spring. “Please don’t go finding other men to charm” the note said, and fucking fuck how was that possible! He’d never been described as charming before, no one had ever looked at him and said “oh how charming you are” no one had ever considered him attractive or gorgeous or charming, charming.
“I need to lie down”
He sent a picture of the note to the group chat the moment he made it home
Charlie 16:04: Got another one (picture attached)
Tao 16:04: HOLLY SHIT IT’S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT
Isaac 16:05: Told you 😊
Elle 16:06: Why wasn’t Truham this interesting when I was in? ☹
Charlie 16:08: Do you think it’s a prank?
Tao 16:08: Could be…
Elle 16:08: TAO!!!
Elle 16:08: Charlie, no, as bad as some guys can be, I doubt they’d be this cruel.
Isaac 16:08: Besides, they’d risk getting called gay if it were a prank soo…
Tao 16:10: ok yes, fragile masculinity is a lot stronger, I guess…
Charlie 16:10: who could it be then?
Charlie spent the night looking at both notes, committing them to memory, tracing the curves and lines of every word with his fingers, enjoying the fluttery feeling he kept getting in his chest whenever he stopped at some of the words, heat rising to his cheeks.
“he thinks of me…” he whispered, smiling softly and closing his eyes.
He’d never admit it, but when he finally went to sleep, he did so with the cards firmly clutched against his chest.
“Hi!” Nick said the next morning, he was already sitting at their table when Charlie arrived, 100-kilowatt smile plastered across his face.
“You made it on time today!” Charlie said as greeting, taking his usual seat next to the rugby lad and staring at him in wonder, much like he did every day.
Nick chuckled, light, pretty, Charlie could sit all day next to him and hear him chuckle. God you’re pathetic.
“Yeah, my dog decided to take a walk all by herself without letting us know, mum and I spent a frantic half hour trying to find her” he said, the relief in his voice so evident it made Charlie’s heart clench a bit.
“god I’ve never had a pet but I can’t imagine how scared you must have been” Nick smiled again
“I was terrified, almost didn’t come at all after we found her”
“why did you then? You had a very good excuse to stay home and cuddle her” Charlie asked in confusion.
“I had something important to do, and I still managed to go back home early, gave her extra cuddles for good measure”
Their conversation was cut short as always by Mr. Lange and they said goodbye a few minutes later, smiles still plastered on their faces. Charlie felt a tiny twinge of guilt at his usual Nick related daydreams, because he knew now that there was someone out there pining for him, it didn’t seem fair to be getting these beautiful messages when he was fantasising about somebody else, he almost felt ashamed, almost.
By lunch time that day, the tinge of shame he’d felt was completely obliterated after a quick trip to the lockers, Charlie ran towards the art room as if competing for the marathon, another piece of cardstock safely pressed against his chest, heart beating rapidly more out of emotion than the exertion it caused him to get there. He didn’t consciously plan to stop by his locker, but he’d felt the sudden need to do so anyway, he’d been beating himself internally at his obvious eagerness, trying to calm his nerves down and tell himself that it wouldn’t matter if there was no note, he had gotten two already, a third one would be greedy. He’d almost squealed when the paper fluttered to his feet once again.
He sat in his usual corner, shot a text to his friends to let them know he’d be late for lunch and took a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever words he was about to read. Mr. Ajayi wasn’t around oddly enough, but he couldn’t even be bothered to think about that too deeply when there was another note, a third note, burning a hole in his hand and in his heart.
How can you walk around so nonchalantly looking like that?! Do you have any idea what you do to my heart whenever you walk by, curls bouncing, eyes shining, dimples showing. Charlie if I keep bumping into you before class, I swear I’m going to fail, and you’ll be the sole culprit of my demise.
Still working on my courage to talk to you, don’t worry, I’ll get there, will you wait for me?
X.
The world could be ending around him, and he wouldn’t be able to tell, his smile was so big it almost hurt, and his heart was beating so fast he could almost hear it, hell, the whole school could probably hear the rapid succession of ba-dum coming from his chest as if connected to a loudspeaker.
Will you wait for me? The note said and Charlie could almost roll his eyes at that, did this person have no idea how incredible he made him feel? Did they think Charlie would dismiss his feelings so easily when he himself was feeling so much over a bunch of words? He’d wait for eternity if it was necessary, he was hoping he wouldn’t though.
He made it to the picnic benches still floating with joy and barely wasted any time in showing his friends the note he’d gotten that day, he waited impatiently for their reactions, poorly containing the urge to dance in circles, something about hills being alive playing loudly in his head. Isaac was so thrilled he’d dropped his book and didn’t look at it for ages, listening to Charlie’s reactions, the feelings the note evoked, the words that kept repeating in his brain almost in the same rhythm as his heartbeat. Elle too reacted excitedly once she received the text, gushing at how amazing everything was, how she wished she was there to see it in real time, how she knew that someone eventually would wake up of their heteronormativity induced stupor and notice how completely amazing her friend was. Charlie struggled with his red cheeks after that one.
Tao however, kept his reaction silent, it was clear he was thinking something positive, his face showing the smallest hint of a smile, yet there was some suspicion as well, almost intrigued at these new developments yet looking forward to knowing more.
“This is almost better that my books” Isaac said after they all had read the note for the third time “there’s romance, mystery, a love triangle…”
“what love triangle?” scoffed Charlie, he only knew about one person who was into him, where was Isaac getting a third from
“well you’re still crushing on Nick Nelson, aren’t you?” he asked, knowing full well the answer to that.
“well…”
“Charlie” Tao spoke for the first time in a while, a manic expression on his face “what if it’s like… Harry Greene or someone else from the rugby team” he asked, taking both Charlie and Isaac off guard, what in the hell was he talking about?
“what?...”
“no, no hear me out!” he interrupted “like, yeah maybe their honest and they really like you, I’m not saying they don’t, but, like, would you give them a chance knowing they bullied you? Or they saw others bullying you and did nothing?”
Charlie stared at him in silence for what felt like ages, a cold chill running down his spine at the mental image of Harry Greene slipping a note down his locker, hopeful eyes and reddened cheeks to go with it, he must’ve made some sort of face because Isaac was quick to nip his fears right in the bud.
“Tao, this isn’t Glee” he announced, as if that was enough to kill whatever crazy scheme their friend had managed to pull on his cinematic-driven brain.
Charlie wished it was that easy though, both him and Isaac knew Tao was beyond stubborn, even worse when he had a bone to pick, they spent the rest of their lunch break listening as he devised a plan to try and look at the handwriting of every rugby lad and footballer on school grounds, see if they somehow matched Charlie’s secret admirer. He went as far as to draw diagrams and didn’t let go of it until well into their last period.
By the time they were ready to go home, Tao had made charts, a map, assigned turns and a diversion, all so that they could spy on everyone’s handwriting to try and find out who this person was, everything but stand close to Charlie’s locker really, give it to Tao to take the most convoluted route possible.
“Tao, there’s a reason why this person has decided to stay anonymous” Charlie said, cutting his monologue short “I won’t out them just to find out, so let’s wait until they’re ready, ok?” he asks, pulling his best puppy eyed look, directing it full force onto his friend, knowing full well how well it worked on him.
“Fine” Tao huffs, crossing his arms over his chest “but don’t come to me if it turns out to be someone awful”
“Tao, just because this person has feelings for me, it doesn’t mean I’ll like, start dating them or anything the moment I find out who they are!”
Who is he kidding, he’d already promised to wait an eternity, and he didn’t even have initials to a name! Tao and Isaac shared a look and then snorted in unison; they both knew how lost their friend already was.
It was two days before he got the next note, he’d been rather angsty at not getting another card in his locker until the reason for it became apparent, the note that day was in a different type of paper, different coloured ink even, his admirer must have run out of supplies. Something warm and fuzzy grew in his chest at the thought of this anonymous someone taking the time to go stationary shopping just so they could send him notes in nice paper, the attention to detail really lit something up in his usually dim heart, if this person was willing to go to this level of thoughtfulness over something so simple, they couldn’t be the horrible person Tao suspected of.
I was wondering today if you’d like me back, you’re so cool and interesting and clever, I ’ve seen you around with your friends and you all share that same indie vibe that’s so fucking alluring, meanwhile here I am, nothing noteworthy about me whatsoever, would you go for a nobody like me Charlie? Maybe I could learn something interesting to be cool like you guys.
I’m thinking of setting a due date for when I finally tell you who I am, still working on it though.
X.
The note certainly brings a laugh to his friend group, they’d never been described as the “cool” group so the fact that his secret admirer thought of them that way was rather amusing, Isaac and Elle decided they already loved whoever this person was and even Tao reluctantly agreed they could be accepted if they thought their “indie vibes” were something to admire.
“What if they’re into “In the mood for love” or “Trainspotting” or “Donnie Darko”!?” Tao asks, unable to hide his giddiness at the prospect of Charlie’s admirer having similar tastes to him.
“If they did, I’d start suspecting that X at the end of every note stands for Xu instead of a kiss” Isaac replied, rolling his eyes in Charlie’s direction “no one likes Donnie Darko Tao”
“besides, they already established they’re nothing like us, so probably no” Charlie hurries to add before Tao can unleash his fury on their friend.
“oh god!” Tao says then, face contorting in horror “what if they’re into Marvel”
Charlie just rolls his eyes.
He loves the note, has loved every note he’s gotten so far, yet this one hurts a bit too. This person has described himself as nothing special, and though Charlie has felt the same for many years, the fact that he can share that feeling with someone who’s brought him so much joy makes him sad, they should feel special, they should know how special they are, being able to write things like these, being able to express their feelings so beautifully, does his secret admirer not see how talented they are? How thoughtful?
Something else bugs him too, this he won’t admit even to himself though, if his secret admirer considers himself to be common and uninteresting, then there’s absolutely no way Nick Nelson could be behind the letters, Charlie doesn’t know anyone who’s as interesting and admired and popular as Nick, there’s literally no one in school who doesn’t know his name, no one who can’t at least name two facts about him. He’d secretly hoped, knowing full well how stupid his wishes were, that Nick was the one putting the notes down his locker, that Nick was the person who felt so much for him, but this sort of trumped his delusions, Nick Nelson was nothing if not noteworthy, so he was, sadly, ruled out from the pool of possible candidates.
…
It had been a week since Charlie had gotten the first note, a week of chest flutters and butterflies, a week of feelings his cheeks flush at the mere thought of opening his locker, a small smile permanently plastered on his face, so different from the cloud of gloominess that had followed him around since the year before.
People had started noticing, his parents commenting on his good mood with smiles and words of affirmation of their own, well, as many words of affirmation as they were capable of, his friends seemed to perk up whenever they had lunch together, Charlie’s happiness contagious at this point. Even Mr. Ajayi had commented on his smiles and the general aura of giddiness that surrounded him. Charlie had told him about the notes then, trying to downplay it as nothing but a silly thing really, but his teacher had been excited for him too, sharing the same smiles and congratulatory words his friends had said the week before.
“a hint of caution won’t hurt though, ok?” he’d said once Charlie had told him the whole story “I won’t rain on your parade, but be careful with your heart Charlie, it’s too precious to risk” he’d said, his characteristic soft smile still directed at him, Charlie appreciated his words and his concern, but as any teenager, he’d thrown caution to the wind ages ago.
He was so absorbed in his happiness that he’d forgotten where he was and the people that surrounded him every day, for a moment, Harry Greene, Ben Hope and the rest of the lot had left his mind, big mistake.
On Tuesday the rude awakening of the still bigoted crowd of Truham hit him like a boulder, he’d been picked on at the school gate first thing in the morning, slurs and homophobic comments thrown his way as he went in the building. He was pushed and mocked on his way to form and tripped discreetly on his way to class, by noon, people were snickering whenever he walked into a room, as if they’d been gossiping about him just before he’d come in. His anxiety skyrocketed, after so many days of smiles and giddiness, his inner monsters were in for a feast the moment his schoolmates started acting up again.
By lunch, Harry had chucked a whole sandwich at him, effectively ruining his appetite, soiling his uniform and leaving him with a sense of dread and loneliness he’d blissfully forgotten about, how naïve of him to think life could be sweet when you were the only out gay boy in an all-boys school, it was laughable really.
When the day ended and a few of the rugby lads shouted slurs in his direction, teachers completely oblivious (or uncaring), the dam just broke. Nothing in his chest could stop the pain he felt, it’d been so long since he’d had to hide from someone, so long since he’d clung to his friends in tears, wondering when it would ever stop. What had he done to these people for them to be so cruel, so mean, so horrible! Was it really so bad that he was himself? Not even the sliver of paper that fell to his feet gave him comfort that day, the words only fuelling his heartache and rage against a world that seemed to be too comfortable in it’s hatred, he almost scoffed at the words he read, yeah right, easy coming from someone who was still anonymous.
Don’t listen to Ben or Harry, there’s no shame in being who you are.
X.
“Talking about shame when you haven’t even shown your face” he spat, putting the note between his books anyway before heading to his drum lesson. He felt like nothing could shed light into this godawful day, not even Nick who’d kindly stopped Harry with a few choice words when he’d tried to chase him on his way to his lesson.
He aired some of his frustrations in the drums, hitting as hard and fast as he could, angry rhythm picking up, a shout of hurt and anger for anyone to hear, the sad part was that no one really cared to do so, it was just him, feeling miserable, anxiety and hatred festering in his chest and the constant need to fight back always pushed down.
Too weak, too small, to skinny to fight his head repeated constantly, yet images of himself just shouting back at his abusers, shoving them back after being shoved himself kept surfacing in his brain, clear and detailed, as if his mind had curated a movie just for him. Just to show him what it would be like to release all of this pent-up aggression, pay back everything those arseholes had done to him with the exact same coin. He felt sick with how much he wanted that, and also, how much he didn’t want it.
He took a deep breath mid practice, stopped the vibration of the cymbals, took his feet off the pedals, put the sticks down and just… breathed. It sucked, all of this, the past two years, the last few hours, the world around him so comfortable in its own blindness and bigotry, it all fucking sucked, but he couldn’t let that take away more of him than it already had, he’d already been pushed to the limits, he’d already taken action against himself over every word and every shove and every slur hurled his way, he couldn’t also let loose and take actions against others.
Tears overwhelmed him after that, too big, too fast to stop them, too hot against his face, too heavy to keep hidden. He let himself cry for as long as he could stomach it, for as long as he could before he started hating himself for them, and once he did, once he started hating himself for crying over this, he stood up and left, willing himself to get home, locking himself up in his room and staying there until the cold, grey morning light of another day burned his tired eyes.
I heard you, I’m sorry, I know I’m a coward talking about shame, I’ll do my best, I’m sorry.
X.
Read the note he found that morning inside his locker, heart ached a new, this time with shame, there was someone out there who felt all these pretty things for him and here he was, bashing them for not being out and loud, knowing full well what that entailed in a school like his, he couldn’t believe how he’d said something like that when in reality there’s nothing that could make him wish his same fate to anyone else, not even on Ben.
He'd gone and squashed the only good thing he had, and he had no way of apologizing because he didn’t even know who he was yet.
“Maybe I won’t ever know who he is” he whispered, pushing the note with the others and leaving for form, eyes too dry to cry again.
By Friday, Charlie was but a ghost of what he’d been the previous week, long gone were the small smiles that adorned his face every day, the flutters in his chest and the butterflies in his stomach had completely dried up inside him, the light he’d felt warming him from the inside was dimmed, almost gone, the light source he’d been feeding off of completely missing.
It wasn’t good that Nick seemed down lately either, they’d barely spoken the past few days and whenever Charlie felt like trying to start a conversation, a knot formed where his vocal cords should be and he was completely useless, no sound would leave his mouth no matter how hard he tried. It was like he’d regressed months to the past, to when he was bullied every day and Nick Nelson wasn’t even in his radar.
He almost got whiplash when the following Monday a sliver of cardstock paper fluttered down to his feet. He picked it up with shaking hands, his stomach churning at the million thoughts rushing through his brain, what if the boy didn’t like him anymore after what he’d said, and this was his note saying goodbye? What if the boy felt pressured to come out and was now offering a new note to do just that? What if he was risking himself to speak up in front of the multitude of bullies in the school, just to please Charlie’s fury induced remark?
He didn’t dare to look at the note, he hid in the bathroom for as long as he could, making it to form as late as possible and worrying his lower lip the whole way through.
“are you ok Charlie?” Nick asked in the five minutes he managed to get of form time that morning “you seem anxious”
“I- I am not feeling that well, it’ll pass” Charlie replied, hands clammy, cold sweat covering his body, he’d been spiralling for ages and though the solution to his predicament was right between his books, he didn’t dare to look, too terrified of the possibilities.
What if I ruined everything?
He all but ran form lesson to lesson all morning, avoiding eye contact with everyone, barely acknowledging his friends and missing every single word his teachers said, he was too deep in his head to even try to pay attention and though he knew he’d regret it later, the prospect of knowing whatever the words in the card said burned deeper.
At lunch break he hid in the art room again, shaking like a leaf, pale as a ghost.
“Charlie, what is it? What happened?” Mr. Ajayi asked when he saw the state he was in.
“I-I got another note” he whispered, eyes unfocused as he sat in his usual corner, drawing his knees to his chest and hugging them tightly.
“Is it bad?”
“I don’t know” he whispered again, still trembling, unable to pick the card from in between his books “could be”
“you won’t know until you read it though” his teacher insisted, crouching in front of him, trying to find Charlie’s eyes and get them to focus on him “we’re going to take a deep breath here, calm down, and then read it, ok? It’s the best way to make you feel better”
“but what if I ruined everything? That won’t make me feel better” Charlie replied, desperation evident in his tone.
“you won’t know that until you read it, and if, though it’s unlikely, things do end after this, you’ll be able to move on” Mr. Ajayi said, taking Charlie’s hands in his and motioning for him to breathe at his rhythm.
“can’t you read it first?” Charlie asked once his breathing had calmed down a little, his teacher smiled at him, moving his books and picking up the note, handing it to him calmly.
“I’ll read it after, if you want me to” he said, standing up and going back to his table, looking at him from afar as if prepared to act should anything bad happen.
Charlie took a deep breath once more, closing his eyes and willing his tears to stay down.
“ok, treat it like a plaster” he turned the note in his hand, focusing his eyes on the words written there, heart fluttering at the handwriting he’d been missing these past few days.
I’m still thinking about you. I miss your smile; I hate that those arseholes took it from you, Or was it me not leaving a note? If it was, I’m sorry again, I was wallowing in self-pity for a while, my friends knocked me out of it.
If anything, I hope you have a good day, I’m still crazy for you, even if you’re a bit angry at me.
X.
Charlie couldn’t contain his tears anymore, the words in the note singeing themselves in his heart, he was happy he’d finally gotten a note after days of complete silence, he was happy they still thought about him, happy he hadn’t ruined everything and that the outcome of his awfully anxious morning was a good one, his secret admirer still cared for him and the feeling of elation blew up in his chest, making him feel full and light at the same time.
But he felt guilty too, he felt undeserving of such devotion, he’d been such an idiot and here this person was, apologizing again, admitting how sad he’d been and asking after his wellbeing, as if he hadn’t taken his anger out on him before.
“Everything ok?” Mr. Ajayi asked, alarmed at Charlie’s constant stream of tears, the boy nodded, eyes closed, sobs clogging up his chest, stuttering his breath in the process and pushing up even more tears. He stood up, wobbly and unsure and gave the note to his teacher to read, trying his best to calm down.
Mr. Ajayi smiled at the words, smiled at the boy and stood up, hugging him close.
“Calm down boy, this is good news” he whispered, sharing a smile with Charlie, who managed a small grimace amongst his tears.
Charlie met his friends after school that day, an excuse to do homework at Tao’s to get permission, he spent the afternoon with swollen, red rimmed eyes and a smile plastered on his face, he even smiled openly at Nick when he bumped into him in the corridor, the boy looking at him quizzically, clearly confused by the opposing emotions in his face. He kept the note in his books all day, carrying it around everywhere, reciting its words silently whenever his stomach twinged or his brain acted up, he was elated and afraid, terrified really, there was someone out there willingly giving him his heart, and he didn’t know what to do with it, he’d never felt loved in that deep, all-encompassing way.
“Charlie this is great!” Elle said once they were finally together at Tao’s “this is someone who really cares for you!”
“and he clearly understands your feelings too, he wouldn’t feel sorry if he didn’t” Isaac added
“and he also sees you, if not, he wouldn’t have known how down you were the past few days” Tao finished, all three of them watching him closely as he trembled in Tao’s sitting room, one of Yan’s cozy blankets wrapped tightly around him.
“I know! I know I should be happy about that, and I am!” Charlie said, hands buried in his curls, mussing his hair in the process “I just, what if I fuck it up?”
Elle took a seat next to him then, holding him close, he was a wreck and a total roller coaster of emotions too, and it was understandable that, after days of feeling down and two years of having shit thrown his way, he wouldn’t know exactly what to do with a compliment and some sweet words, but he would have to get on with it, he would have to learn.
“Charlie, if there’s something you know how to do, is to love” Elle said, running her hands through her friend’s hair, sharing her warmth with him and trying to convey how much she meant those words.
“She’s got a point” Tao added, sitting close as well “you just have to get on with it”
Charlie smiled through his tears, eyes burning anew with the mix of emotions still stumbling inside his chest.
“besides, we still don’t know the guy, he could be terrifyingly ugly for all we know, or a moron” Tao added last minute, getting a laugh from everyone then.
“we’ll be here for you Charlie, whatever the outcome is, so just enjoy it and be happy” Isaac ended, sitting close to him as well, covering his hand in his and looking in his eyes.
He wasn’t alone and he would be fine.
…
The following days were a blur, there weren’t more notes, but Charlie knew his person was thinking about him, he’d said so in his last message, so he was fine. He was taking the time to breathe it in, to savour it and try and get used to it, try and believe this was really happening to him, and for some reason he still didn’t understand, it was slowly working.
The only thing keeping him stuck though, was Nick. He’d heard a rumour that he’d given the rugby lads a stern talk and had threatened with kicking out anyone that even glanced in Charlies direction or anyone else’s with the intention of making fun of them or harassing them, Charlie hadn’t really believed it at first, why would he go to such extent just for him (and the rest of the general population periodically assaulted by the rugby team), but after a few days of people not even glancing his way, he was starting to get suspicious.
“Hi! Good day yesterday?” would Nick ask every morning, smiling at him and listening attentively to whatever he had to say.
“can you help me with this?” he’d say next, showing Charlie some form of equation or any history related assignment he knew Charlie could get better than he would.
Charlie was getting used to these interactions and even though he was thrilled to be finally exchanging words with this sunshine of a boy, he couldn’t help the nagging at the back of his brain whenever he talked to him, the notes in between his books screaming at him from a distance.
When the time came, when his boy finally decided to show up, when he finally got to know who this person who loved him deeply was, he’d have to choose, and he wasn’t ready for that.
Two and a half weeks went by in a flash, no new notes, yet a lot of optimism still, he’d been feeling better, the whole school seemed a bit brighter without the usual jeering and mocking laughter from the rugby lads, everyone seemed to have relaxed and so had he, unclenching his jaw and letting his shoulders lose for the first time since he was twelve.
That Wednesday morning could have been like any other, he was prepared to take it on like any other week, like he’d taken every day for the last almost sixteen days, but it wasn’t like the last few days. Time seemed to stop, a note fluttering once more to his feet, falling heavily in front of him and robbing him of air. For the first time in ages, he let himself savour the feeling, he’d been rushing to pick the notes up and hide from the world before, anxiety about knowing what they said and trying to avoid anyone else finding them, competing for a front row seat in his mind, today though, after weeks of feeling better, after he was finally letting his guard down, he just felt curious, exited, overjoyed. He had a new note to read.
How would you feel about meeting on Friday at 6PM? I’ll be at the milkshake café with my dog, she’s a brown border collie, I’ll wear a green jumper too, just in case there’s more than one brown border collie around.
Hope to see you there, if you’re not interested though, you don’t need to show up, I’ll get the message. Hope you are though, interested that is.
X.
He’d fully expected a note like every other before, nice words, deep feelings, happiness seeping through with every letter written in it, but today the message was different, he had to read the note twice to be sure he’d gotten every word right and by the time he realized he actually had, he could almost see his heart running out of his chest.
He was meeting this person, at last.
Charlie had to run to the art room again, either that or risk hyperventilating in the middle of the corridor, this was happening, his person wanted to meet, they’d given him a date, a place, even a vague description to go with it, they were meeting at last.
“oh god we’re meeting at last” a rush of adrenaline hit him then, making him dizzy all of a sudden.
Mr. Ajayi found him pacing anxiously from one end to the other, and although he did his best to calm him down and send him to form, Charlie was too out of it to barely pay attention.
“are you ok?” Nick asked once Charlie seemed present enough to engage.
“hu? Oh yes! Yes, I am just…” Charlie needed to breathe deeply before he kept talking, he couldn’t reveal much, Nick didn’t know anything about his notes and even though they’d been very slowly building what he hoped one day could be called a friendship, he wasn’t sure he wanted to share this secret just yet.
“you just?” Nick pressed, smiling at him, looking at him through his eyelashes, his perfected puppy look full on display.
“I just got something that made me happy and… I’ll tell you about it soon, I promise” Charlie replied, biting his lip, deciding that no matter how cute, Nick’s puppy eyes wouldn’t get more info than that.
Nick just smiled at him, staying quiet for the rest of their time together, glancing at him from time to time but saying nothing every time their eyes met, Charlie should have found it odd, but he was too happy to give it more attention than he already was, so he just rolled with it, smiled at him in return and stayed silent until the bell rang.
“We’re meeting” he said once lunch time finally came, and he could share the news with his friends.
“OMG what!” both Isaac and Tao replied, making grabby hands at the note Charlie was showing to them. They gushed about it for a while, sending pictures to Elle and asking if he wanted company, if they needed to make a plan, what would he wear? What would he say? It was rather overwhelming really and Charlie wasn’t sure if sharing the note with them so soon had been a good idea, he’d barely gotten it after all, still not completely sure he wasn’t dreaming and with all their probing questions and their exited movements, he just couldn’t keep up.
“can you stop for a minute please?” he asked rather loudly to his friends, gulping down and wringing his hands after “I just need a minute to figure things out, ok?”
“What do you need to figure out?” Tao asked, eyebrow raised at his words, genuinely questioning him.
“I don’t know, I need to prepare I guess? Think about what I’ll say or what he’ll say back” Charlie replied, a million scenarios coursing his mind a mile a minute.
“Don’t over think it Charlie, you can just meet and take it from there” Isaac advised, patting his nervous hands lightly.
“I can’t do that Isaac, I need to make some sort of plan in my head” Charlie replied, exasperated at his friend’s nonchalance “I mean, what if he asks me to be his boyfriend? I don’t know him! I can’t say yes!”
“Then don’t” Tao replied “if he can’t take it, then he’s not a good option anyway”
“b-but” Charlie started.
“Charlie, Tao’s right” Isaac interrupted “if you two meet and you feel uncomfortable or he gives you a bad vibe or he asks for things you’re not comfortable with, just say no, you don’t owe him anything”
“just send a message, whatever, even an emoji will do, and we’ll go pick you up” Tao added, nodding encouragingly at him.
“you’re only meeting this person, that doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to anything else, ok?” Isaac finished, Tao crossing his arms over his chest and nodding seriously beside him.
They were right, Charlie new they were, he hadn’t offered anything in return, he’d just gotten a bunch of cute notes and if the guy ended up being a jerk, no nice words would save him, he’d already gone through this with Ben, he couldn’t let himself make the same mistake again and just get involved with someone who merely showed interest in him, expecting everything but barely giving anything in return.
“ok, but you’ll have to be close by” he said, trying to convince his heart to stop beating so hard.
“of course!” Tao added, the we were doing that whether you wanted or not implied in his words.
“and” Charlie added, smiling slowly at his friend “I’ll need you to help me pick up an outfit, and maybe some conversation starters” Both Tao and Isaac smiled at that, Elle reacting enthusiastically once she got the message as well.
The group spent the next two days actively convincing Charlie of his own words, he would resolve to meet this person and decide on clothes and topics and even milkshake flavours one minute, just to crumble down from anxiety and change his mind the next, the number of what ifs too big, his nerves barely letting him breathe from how jumbled up they were. For the first time since he’d gotten the notes, he cursed the boy and his audacity, couldn’t he had put the note on Friday itself? Save him some anticipation and anxiety on the process.
“you’ll be ok Charlie, and your friends will be there for you” Mr. Ajayi said on Friday afternoon, right before they were to go home.
“they’ll sit nearby in the same café, try to stay out of site in case anything happens” Charlie replied, they’d agreed it was better that way, should the boy turn up to be an arsehole or the date turn into a fiasco from lack of compatibility, they could just show up, interrupt casually and save him from enduring the discomfort.
“good” the teacher said, signature smile crinkling his eyes “it’ll be great” he whispered, patting him on the back and sending him on his way out.
Charlie made it just in time that Friday afternoon, bundled up to keep warmth in as the day was unforgivingly cold for early March. Elle had gone to his house the minute she was out of school and had spent hours looking through his wardrobe, had helped him style his curls, had even suggested makeup (Charlie had drawn the line at that), everything to ensure he looked his best.
“you’ll feel a lot more confident if you know you look good” she said, Charlie could do nothing but agree, she’d tweaked him so close to perfection not even his low self esteem could take away the warm glow he felt from within when he looked at himself in the mirror.
He nervously looked around the café, remembering the details the note had given him, brown dog, green jumper, repeating in his head as he looked around to find his guy. Tao, Isaac and Elle were supposed to arrive a few minutes later, give him the chance of a first impression on his own before seeing the man for themselves, for a minute, Charlie wished they’d agreed to something different, his stomach in knots at having to look around a crowded café without any familiar eyes to fall back into, should anything happen.
He had started to panic, what if questions filling his brain, when he noticed a fluffy dog in the distance. The note said green jumper and brown dog and the person sitting in the far back met all the criteria, there was a gorgeous, soft looking dog at his feet, calmly looking at the people around them, and the green of the boy’s jumper contrasted beautifully with his copperish hair, shining in the weak orange sun lazily lowering in the horizon.
Charlie’s eyes widened once he was finally close enough to make out his features, it was Nick Nelson.
“N-Nick?” he whispered unbelievingly, butterflies flying amok inside him, threatening to spill out from his mouth and fill the air with their rapidly batting wings.
Nick turned just in time to see him, eyes widening as well, a red blush covering his cheeks and a small smile twisting his chewed-up lips. The boy looked nervous, his hands trembling lightly as he held his dog’s leash and as he stood up, pup perking up at her owner’s movements, tail wagging rapidly behind her. Charlie could see the hesitation in his eyes, as if debating to move towards him or allow Charlie to take the last few steps, they met in the middle, moving slowly towards each other, eyes locked, bodies stiff.
“Hi” Nick whispered, his usual morning smile replaced by a nervous twist of his lips.
Charlie looked around, as if unsure the boy was really talking to him, but it had to be, there weren’t any other boys with green jumpers and brown dogs around.
“it’s you” Charlie finally replied, eyes still wide open, barely blinking, afraid that Nick would vanish if he did so.
“y-yeah” Nick scratched at the back of his neck; a nervous habit Charlie had noticed in him some time ago.
“you sent me those notes” Charlie continued, unbelieving still of what his eyes were seeing.
“yeah I… yeah” the boy stuttered.
“b-but… I’m confused” Nick Nelson was in front of him, Nick Nelson was his secret admirer, confused was an understatement.
“I can explain everything, I swear” Nick said, hands moving frantically “a-and maybe I’m not what you were expecting, maybe you thought it would be someone cooler or more interesting or I don’t know” he added, breathing hard, blush going redded by the second “but I promise you Charlie, I like you so, so much”
Charlie’s heart stopped for a second, tears prickling in his eyes just from the astonishment and sheer happiness he was feeling, he could barely believe it, but they were there, dozens of people around them, the sun slowly setting behind and the cold seeping in through his layers of clothing, this couldn’t be a dream, it felt too real.
“not what I was expecting? Nick, I didn’t dare hope it was you?” he finally answered, smiling at the boy in front of him, taking his arms in an effort to ground him a bit.
“what?” Nick asked, genuinely confused, as if he hadn’t noticed Charlie’s embarrassingly obvious crush, as if he hadn’t seen Charlies constant glances in his direction and assumed they were because he was hopelessly besotted with him, as if Charlie had been anything but transparently enraptured in his presence.
“I’ve liked you for so long” Charlie replied, taking a deep breath, feeling confident enough to do this, after months of silent pining over the lad he thought was straight and completely out of reach “but when I first got the notes, I barely let myself think it could be you, I indulged in some fantasies, but never let myself hope, this is too good to be true”
Nick hugged him then, crushing him close in his arms, his dog’s leash forgotten at his feet “how could I not like you?” he whispered.
“well, look at you, you’re talented, popular, attractive, everybody likes you! And I’m well, me” Charlie replied once they were apart again, looking at his feet and blushing madly at the words he was finally uttering to the boy.
“now what’s that supposed to mean?” Nick asked, eyebrow raised, offering his arm for Charlie to take and leading them to the milkshake stand, pup following closely, looking at them as if completely understanding what was happening in front of her.
“I’m really nothing special” Charlie added, had trembling around Nick’s arm.
“nothing special?” Nick asked indignantly “Careful there Spring, that’s my crush you’re talking about”
Charlie blushed intensely, his cheeks going red so deeply and so fast he was worried he’d bust a blood vessel, he was Nick Nelson’s crush, Nick Nelson was his secret admirer, if he’d fallen and hit his head on his way here and this was all just a hallucination, he wanted to stay in it for the rest of his life.
They ordered their drinks, still blushing with the other’s presence, Charlie made fun of Nick’s awful flavour choice and Nick in turn made fun of him when Charlie’s nose got covered in whipped cream after his first sip. They talked in hushed tones, sitting closely in the small table Nick had been waiting in, finally acknowledging Nellie, who put her head on Charlie’s knees once she got the pets she deserved for being such a sweet girl.
Charlie silently sent a message to his friends, who he could see in a table far away, looking at him from time to time, they could go if they wanted, he would be fine. The trio left a few seconds later, Elle and Isaac sending a thumbs up, Tao sending sus eyes as a goodbye, Charlie could barely contain the eyeroll.
“god you’re gorgeous” Nick whispered after he spent a few seconds admiring Charlie silently in front of him, the boy blushed so hard even his ears went red, unable to meet Nick’s eyes.
“stop” he said, fiddling with his empty glass “I thought you said you were too scared to tell me how you felt” Nick chuckled.
“I was, but now that I know you feel similarly, I’ll tell you everything, every day, as much as possible” the boy replied, smiling brightly at Charlie’s widening eyes.
“sap” the curly haired boy replied, bending down and burying his smile on Nellie’s fur, his heart beating a mile a minute.
Nick offered to walk him home once Charlie told him his curfew would be up soon, reassuring him that he lived close by so it wouldn’t be a problem. They nervously held hands all the way there, talking the whole time and enjoying the constant flutter in their chests.
“can we meet tomorrow?” Nick asked once they were in front of Charlie’s house.
“ok” the boy replied, wishing the day didn’t have to end so soon.
Nick took a step closer then, raising his hand slowly and putting it gently against Charlie’s right cheek.
“would it be too soon to kiss you?” he asked, breathless, eyes dancing rapidly between the other boy’s lips and eyes.
Charlie nodded his consent, gulping loudly and moving closer, rising to his tiptoes to cut the distance faster. It was barely a peck, soft and sweet, lips meeting warmly in the cold of the evening, breaths mingling, hands bracing against the other, holding close to keep the contact for as long as they could.
When they finally let go, Nick’s blinding smile could brighten up the whole street and Charlie was sure his face had a mirroring smile for him.
…
Monday mornings had become a lot more bearable all of a sudden, yes, there still were loads of stupid boys littering the corridors and picnic benches, there still were Harry Greenes and Ben Hopes round every corner, all ready to try and murk up his sunny days, but there were his friends too, eager to make him feel better, to embrace him and accept him and make him happy, as they’d been doing since they’d met.
And there was also Nick Nelson, sweet, soft, caring Nick Nelson who held his hand and kissed his cheek and walked around the park all weekend, Nellie leading their way as they kissed softly under the shade of the trees, bundled up in scarves and coats and hats, cheeks rosy with the cold and their affection.
Charlie made his usual way to his locker, the same as he did every day, somehow seeing it brighter than ever before. He felt an all too familiar twinge of a sweet something in his chest when a sliver of paper fluttered to his feet the moment the locker was opened.
Did I tell you how cute I think you are? Cause you are terribly cute, especially when you come in all bundled up and red cheeked from the cold outside, it’s almost unbearable. If we weren’t at school, I’d kiss you senseless all day long, a repeat performance of our weekend together.
I’ll have to learn some self-control, I guess.
Nick X.
“Hi” he heard behind him just as he pushed the note between his books, like all the rest he’d gotten before, he smiled at that voice.
“Hi” he said, turning around, locking eyes with the beautiful brown ones that were staring at him, crinkled at the corners with the force of the smile that accompanied them.
Nick took his hand and interlaced their fingers, pulling him towards him in the process.
“what you got there?” he asked, smile getting bigger after his words
“oh just some note, apparently someone thinks I’m cute” Charlie replied, smiling back at the beautiful boy he could now call his.
“that you are” Nick whispered, kissing the tip of his nose before dragging him to form, no one could really blame them if they stopped by the supply closet on their way there.