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Buck woke up.
He knows that because Daniel isn't there. And he sees Maddie with Chim. Though seeing his parents in a hospital throws him off a bit, he knows he is awake. He isn't in that dream. The one that started off so great and perfect and something he saw himself ok with living. Then Doug walked in front of him and he felt like it was time to get the hell out of this mess. Finding Chim was easy, Hen appeared after he blacked out so it was pretty simple. He just needed to get them to believe him, or he needed to believe himself. He's still not quite sure how it works but it doesn't matter that much now.
After he woke up, Bobby played cards with him and told him about everyone talking to him, telling him how much they love him and needed him to wake up. Even bringing up how Chris snuck in because he had to much to say and knew Buck needed to hear it. And Buck felt happy about that. He was loved, and would be missed. And looking back in his dream, it made sense. He talked to everyone that talked to him. All but one.
Eddie.
He knew the other man visited him. Knew that was how Chris got into his room, with the help of Carla of course. But now that he has a moment to breath and think and not focus on the fact that he did indeed die. He never saw Eddie in the dream. Never heard his voice. Only heard dream Hen mention that he lost Chris and moved away. Only referred to him as angry guy or something. He hated that. Because that was in his head, meaning he thought it and Eddie wasn't that. Yes he got angry but everyone did. He shouldn't just be described like that. So Buck hated his head for a bit.
But he woke up, and everyone was there. Including Eddie. And all he saw were smiles and he got hugs and kisses were placed on his head. Everyone was happy. But Eddie still didn't say much.
Buck was cleared to go home. Maddie and his parents took him. And he will admit for a moment he was distracted with his parents being parents and kind of enjoyed it for the time it lasted and forgot about most of the other things that had happened. Like Eddie not talking to him still or at least not much. And also the fact that he had died. But he decided that it wasn't the top priority to deal with, and he lived so it was fine. He would find himself having moments just thinking oh shit I died but go back to making sure he was ok to go back to work. Always his goal. That should be his top priority. But it wasn't.
It was Eddie.
Chris would text every other hour and just check on him. Buck welcomed it. He lived, very short may he add, a life without the teen and really didn't want to go through that again. He was the best kid. If only he could get said kids dad to speak to him he could move on and deal with the other shit. But life had other plans, as it always does when it comes to Buck. The other plans being made by his older protective and constantly worried sister. Now Buck is Buck. He loves people. Mostly his people. Those being everyone at the 118 and their family, quickly becoming his. And he loves them, with everything he has. They should know that because he fights to make sure he comes back to them. But this is too much.
He tries to sleep all day and a knock usually interrupts that. Eddie is busy or something and a nap might help Buck not think about it. He doesn't think it would actually work but now he can't find out because people won't leave him alone. Hen brings food. Maddie brings groceries. Josh brings a game or something, and Connor shows up for other reasons, but it causes more stress from Buck. Each knock made Buck want to scream and tell the person to go away and just let him rest for at least a bit please. But he never did that. Because to him there was still a chance it was Eddie's turn to check on him. And each time he opened the door, he wished it was him. But it never was. Buck just assumed Eddie was never getting a turn, or maybe he didn't want one.
Buck finally snapped and figured the only way Maddie would have to leave him alone is if he left.
He knew where he was going before he walked out of his apartment.
Eddie opened the door, and Buck wanted to talk, he really did. He walked past the other and into a house that wasn't really his but felt like it was close enough. Sat down on the couch and waited for the promised beer.
He never got that beer because he fell asleep.
He woke up a couple hours later to find Eddie making a sandwich. And again, he really wanted to bring up the topic of Eddie not talking to him. But knowing he died must have messed him up more than he thought because that's what they talked about. Buck dying. And the worst day Buck has ever lived through, Eddie getting shot. He hadn't meant to exchange traumas. But he felt that he couldn't talk about the other thing, unless he got this out of his system first. And in no way did the talk heal him. He knew he still had issues. He died and lived to tell the tale. He was gonna need a lot more than a talk in the kitchen while sandwiches are made. That he knew. But it helped. It was a start. They eat and move back to the living room. They are sitting on the couch, when Eddie offers to turn on a movie or start a game and Buck doesn't like either of those options.
"You didn't talk to me"
Eddie just looks at him. Buck knows he isn't gonna get a response just yet, so he goes on. "I heard all of them. I listened to all of them talk to me and beg me to wake up. I saw them in my dream that seemed so perfect that I almost stayed. I had everything I thought I wanted and I wanted to pick it so damn bad. But I didn't hear you. I didn't see you"
"I dreamed of everyone but you. And it broke my heart when I woke up because I realized it's from you not saying a word to me when I was" he stops, he has said coma so much he hates the word. Doesn't think it's good to mention death again when it already seems like Eddie is about to lose it, and honestly he might as well. "When I was gone" still not the best word choice based on Eddie's face but Buck shakes his head, "Out of it, you brought Chris into the room because he wanted to speak to me. But you never said anything"
Buck starts to shake, because he knows what it is leading to, knows the question he is preparing himself to ask. And he hopes he doesn't get the answer he is so scared to hear.
"And I get it. You have a life. You have a son to care for, you have to care for yourself. The last thing you want to worry about is some guy who is dealing with the fact he died and came back. It's at the bottom of your list but it's also me" Buck hates that. Makes him sound so whiny and pathetic. "I thought it would mean more. I mean we are best friends and have see each other hurt so many times that we are probably getting to used to it, which is bad but an issue for another day. But I have to mean something right? To at least want you to say something. Right?" he asks.
Eddie doesn't respond.
Oh
"Eds I died. I was gone. And I was almost gone permanently. I almost chose to leave yo....everyone" he changes that, he doesn't want to hurt Eddie. But he needs Eddie to say something. "And I got to hear from everyone but you about how they wanted me to wake up. And once I realized how wrong the dream was, how it wasn't right, wasn't what I built for myself or others I woke up. Because it didn't have Bobby or Athena. It didn't have Chim and Maddie together which meant there was no Jee. I wasn't me. And there was no you or Chris and I couldn't pick a life like that. I woke up for all of you."
"I woke up for you." Buck cries out. "Did you even want me to?"
Did he want him to wake up?
Did he want him back in his life?
Or was he happy to have a break?
Was he happy to not deal with Buck's problems for a moment?
Did he want to go back to that?
Its quiet. For to long it's quiet.
Buck has said everything he felt needed to be said. He's crying and staring at the other man. Eddie doesn't quite look at Buck. More looking through him. Buck would be concerned if he wasn't so damn worried about what could be said. So they just stare at one another. Buck thinks about getting up and leaving, thinking that he said to much to fast and broke Eddie. Thinking about giving the other man a break and dealing with all this another day.
He doesn't move.
He thinks Eddie is the first to move, because there is no way Buck would be the first to make this choice. But they are kissing. Buck is still crying and knows the tears are going to his lips, Eddie is most likely tasting the tears. But it doesn't seem to matter. Eddie is kissing Buck like he will never get another chance. Eddie is kissing Buck like he is worried the moment he lets go, Buck won't be there.
Buck would say he feels like he is being electrocuted but thinks it's to soon.
So he goes with the other feelings.
It feels like the first moment he could breath once he saw Eddie holding Chris after the tsunami.
It feels like the moment Eddie woke up from being shot.
Feels like the moment he saw Eddie after the other was buried in mud.
Feels like the moment he saw Eddie's face after the ambulance exploded and all Eddie did was smile and laugh because they lived.
Feels like "You can have my back any day" or "You can have mine"
It feels like pure joy. And god does Buck want to hold onto this.
So he kissed like he will never have another chance as well. Worried that the moment Eddie's lips leave his, he will just see this as a mistake. Will see Buck as a mistake.
The moment does come.
Eddie does stop kissing him, which Buck wished wasn't possible or necessary. Which ever one made more sense, he was still out of it. Eddie starts talking.
"How dare you say you woke up for me in the same speech where you said you almost left me" Eddie says, "How dare you assume that you are at the bottom of my list" he's kissing him again, but only for a second. "You don't think I know you died. I counted every second you were gone. Counted every second that I didn't have you in this world with me and it was awful"
"I lived in this world without you for three minutes and seventeen seconds. And I couldn't handle it. I hated every second and I saw you in that bed and yeah everyone talked to you and told you to wake up. Said they needed you. Needed you alive and that you just needed to come back to them and it scared the hell out of me"
"Every time I saw you I wanted to scream at you. Beg you to wake up. For Maddie. For Jee. For Bobby. For Chris and god did I want you to wake up for him because he loves you. But I really needed you to wake up for me but how could I ask that when I wasn't yours, when you weren't mine" Eddie starts to cry, "I saw you on that bed and realized I might never hear your voice again and I couldn't get myself to talk to you because I knew you wouldn't respond. And I didn't think I could live through that. Not hearing you talk to me. So I didn't say anything. But each time I saw you I wanted you to wake up. Wanted you to open your eyes so I could see how beautiful they were once again. My favorite color on my favorite person. And you do. And I was so happy, but I didn't know what to say. Didn't know if you wanted to talk about it and didn't know how to talk about anything else but that. And Maddie did that rotation and offered me a spot but I didn't want to force you to talk so I didn't take one"
Eddie wipes a tear off of Bucks face, "I will always want you to wake up Buck. I will always hope you choose to do so for me, but be happy just for the fact that you are breathing for someone else" he gives Buck a gentle kiss on his forehead and rests his forehead on the others. "I just want you alive."
"I'm alive" Buck whispers. Eddie nods. "But you weren't. You weren't and you almost stayed gone. Almost went to far from me"
Buck shakes his head, "Can never go far. Always have to be here Eddie. Right by you"
"I love you" Eddie whispers.
Buck smiles and finally kisses Eddie first. And this one is different.
Its gentle once again, but there is no worry. No thoughts of it never happening again following each movement. No worries that this is to much and that it doesn't hold the same meaning.
Their first kiss, without it really be meant to be, was a goodbye kiss.
They were saying goodbye without knowing what could happen. They let their worries and fears get control of it.
Their second kiss was a gentle peck to the lips to make sure Buck still stayed focused on Eddie's speech.
Their third didn't really count, but Buck has always been a fan of forehead kisses. So he will count it.
Their fourth was Bucks favorite. Because it said everything they didn't have time to say. Made everything clear and out in the open.
"I love you too"
Buck knew he woke up from his dream. Because he would never willingly give himself this.
He has never been more happy to be awake.