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James would never, never have considered that Sirius would give up Remus’s secret. But he did, and Snape paid the price with his life.
Some things are so integral to your being, you don't notice them until they are lost. In the blood-soaked aftermath of the worst day of his life, James Potter realizes his priorities are not what he thought they were, and the fabric of time and reality is a paper-thin nuisance compared to his resolve.
James holds time in his hands and breaks it.
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“If I had known…”
“You wouldn’t have cared,” Lily snapped, more tired than angry. “Don’t pretend. Everybody has a burden to bear. You never cared before. It wouldn’t have stopped you, and you know it. Just— There isn’t anything you can do, James.”
James swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, “Right. You’re right.”
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Who said he couldn’t out-think death? He had magic. Everyone said that magic had these unbreakable rules that no one dared to question—James was great at breaking rules. Just a week ago, mere hours before Snape’s death, James had admired Lily for thinking outside of the box, questioning what purebloods like him took for granted. She had said that they didn’t even really understand magic, how it worked, and she was right.
Lily had said Snape was gone. Nothing you can do, nothing you can do, nothing you can do. James thought back to the poem on his gravestone. I am not dead. I did not die. He thought about Snape’s magic, cool like mist and billowing around him, coaxing new life into frozen things.
You can do anything, James.
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“You can’t fix death, Potter! He’s dead! If you wanted to save him, you should have done it before!” Lily’s voice rang out through the compartment, and James fell silent. Her chest was heaving like she had just run a marathon. James could feel sweat building at his temples despite the cooling charms. He clenched his fists so tight his knuckles burned.
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“I can’t live like this,” James said very quietly. If he had intended to lie to Lily, it was a lost cause. One look at Snape’s gravestone had undone him. “I can’t walk around carrying this inside me, I can’t bear it. I can’t live with it, Lily.”
“The guilt?”
“The lack.” James did not know what he was going to say before he said it, but suddenly, there it was. “I feel— I just can’t understand how everyone is walking around like nothing has changed. Just going about their lives like there isn’t something missing from— from everywhere! It’s at the corner of my eye, in my periphery, this— This non-thing that isn’t there. There’s a hole in—I don’t know—in the world, in magic, in fucking me. And I can’t— It’s never going to go away. I cannot. Live. Like this.”
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SEVERUS ALIVE