Chapter Text
Leaning wearily against one the antique chairs situated in the Tardis console room, Barbara observed the Doctor and Ian removing their overcoats with triumphant expressions on their faces. She was relieved to have finally returned to the ship after their ordeal in Paris, she hardly thought she had enjoyed much of it.
“You know, I shouldn’t have liked being shipped away to England Doctor! Would have made getting back to the Tardis rather tricky.” Ian joked. Barbara wondered what they would have made of themselves if things had turned out that way- after all they would have been free from the Reign of Terror, but it was hardly London 1963 as they wanted.
“Quite so, quite so my boy!” The Doctor chuckled. “Couldn’t have you running around 18th century England causing trouble!”
“Trouble?” Barbara interrupted, half haughtily, half jokingly, “Why must you always assume we’ll end up in trouble?” She didn’t doubt him, but it was certainly fun to banter with the old man. “We’re quite capable of taking care of ourselves, isn’t that right Susan-?” Barbara looked around for the young girl, but she had disappeared.
“Did you see her leave? Doctor?” The old man grunted and looked up from his examination of the plumed hat he had taken from his adventure.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Susan. She was here just a moment ago.” Barbara wasn’t concerned, just confused. Susan had seemed almost better by the time they had reached the ship and Barbara had hoped that the group’s triumph would bring her fully back to her usual self.
He looked around and realised that, yes, his granddaughter had seemingly retreated from the festivities. “Hm, now that’s very unlike her. Would you mind fetching her? She may simply be in her room finding a change of clothes.” He tried to reassure himself yet sounded uncertain.
“You know, she really didn’t seem well.” Ian said solemnly with a thoughtful expression. “Horrible to see her in that state.” Barbara nodded in agreement, perhaps even feeling somewhat guilty. Ian looked at her comfortingly, trying to make her see it hadn’t been her fault.
She gave a small smile Ian's way and left the console room to seek out Susan. The corridors of the ship were expansive and yet she felt as if she knew every wall, door and turning. Perhaps she’d been travelling for too long, or maybe she was simply making things up. Barbara frowned at this idea, hoping ‘space-madness’ hadn’t taken hold of her. She wasn’t sure if such a thing existed but some months ago she’d have doubted a lot of things which had turned out to be true, so who was to say.
She couldn’t wait to get out of her 18th century clothes, the fabric feeling stiff and stained on her skin like the time spent there did on her mind. She supposed that was one way her and Ian differed (though she hated to admit it)- he saw history as a boy’s tale, a romp where while bad things happened, they would always triumph and be spirited away. Barbara’s idea was more grown-up, she thought. History was full of facts and dates and horrific realities which had previously been contained to textbooks. It wasn’t all fun and games, there were stakes which surpassed even her life.
Shivering at the memory of the Conciergerie and its warden, Barbara approached Susan’s room. Knocking on the door gently, she called out to her young ward.
“Susan? It’s me, Barbara. I just wanted to check if you were alright.” The girl did not answer. Straining her ears, the older woman could hear muffled noise coming from inside the room. “Are you well? We’re worried about you- the Doctor and Ian too.”
Slowly she grasped the doorknob and turned it, opening the door slightly. Looking in, at first Barbara did not see the girl before turning her gaze downwards and finding her laying on the floor trying to muffle her sobs. Despite the Doctor’s assumption, she was still wearing her historical clothes.
Barbara rushed in and came to kneel beside the young girl. “Susan?” Her voice rose in panic as tried to cup the girl’s face to check her temperature. Hurriedly Susan evaded her reach, trying to scramble away from her teacher-turned-companion.
“Stay away from me.” There had been an attempt to remain composed but her voice soon turned to sobs. “Just, just go!”
“No!” Barbara said suddenly, not giving up. “Look Susan, what has happened?” She maintained her distance but still tried to comfort the girl. “You can tell me.” Barbara’s voice shook as she talked to Susan, her fear rising.
“I can’t. You wouldn’t understand” Susan whispered.
“I’ve seen a great deal travelling with you and your grandfather, I’m sure nothing would surprise me at this point.” At the mention of her grandfather, Susan’s ears pricked up in ashamed panic.
“He’ll be so disappointed in me Barbara, oh he said I couldn’t take care of myself and he was right!”
Suddenly Susan lurched forward into Barbara’s arms. The older woman was taken aback by her sudden affection but tried to cradle her all the same.
“I don’t want this, I’m scared Barbara.” She muttered tearily into Barbara’s shoulder. “Even grandfather hasn’t… I can’t do this.”
So perhaps Barbara didn’t understand after all. “Susan… What do you mean? Do what?”
“I told you you wouldn’t understand. We never thought it’d happen, so we never thought to tell you.” She mumbled.
“Well you can tell me now.” Barbara cautiously reassured her. “Whatever it is, me and Ian will help you.”
Susan smiled gently, a tired look on her face. Then her expression changed to one of pain and she became limp in Barbara’s arms for a moment before regaining her strength.
“It hurts. I’ve been holding it back but I’m not sure I can keep it that way.” Barbara lowered her to the floor gently. For a second she pondered getting up to fetch the Doctor but Susan seemed to almost plead for her company.
“Holding- holding what back?” The older woman stuttered.
Susan took a deep breath to compose herself. “My people, when they’re dying-”
“Dying? No Susan, you’re not dying. You’re okay, you’re here.” Barbara thought back to Paris, the young girl had seemed so weak and almost… but she had gotten better, hadn’t she?
Susan sighed emotionally and tried to finish her explanation, “When we’re dying, we can revitalise ourselves, use energy to fix our bodies.”
“Well that’s alright then, it’ll help you get better.” Barbara hurriedly said. She pushed away thoughts of Susan’s ‘people’, the idea of her being anything but human seemed so alien.
“It’s not that simple- that’s why I’m afraid.” Susan whimpered, holding her hand to her side in pain. “It changes us.”
“Change? How?” Barbara would have chided herself for her crude speech but the situation gave little time for that.
“We’re still the same person really, I suppose. But everything else changes- our bodies become someone else and to an extent, our minds too. I don’t want to change, I like being me.”
“So you’ll get better, but this you, this version will-”
“Disappear.” Susan grimaced mournfully. “Perhaps I’ve spent too much time with humans, back home I’m sure I would have coped better, after all I saw it happen quite regularly when I was younger.”
“No, don’t say that.” Maybe it wasn’t her right to dismiss Susan’s home like that, but the woman wanted for her to be human so badly. “This is scary, you’ve the right to be frightened.”
“You’ll stay with me?” Susan asked quietly like a timid child, unsure of Barbara’s answer.
The woman took one last look up at the ship’s corridor before refocusing on Susan. “Of course I will.” She took a deep gulp of air, trying to calm her nerves. “This process, you’re quite sure it’s best?”
“Without it I’ll die.” Susan said. “I- I think the change is scary, but I don’t want to die forever and leave you both and grandfather all alone.”
“Well that’s very noble of you.” Barbara wasn’t quite sure what to say. “I promise we’ll take care of you.”
“Even if I’m different?”
For a moment Barbara was silent before responding with as much confidence as she could muster, “Yes.”
Susan smiled up at Barbara. “Then maybe it’ll be alright.” Barbara nodded limply.
“How do you…” She trailed off, uncertain of how this ‘process’ occurred.
“Start?” Susan gave a weak and tearful giggle, “I’m not quite sure. I suppose I just… let it happen. After all, I've been trying to stop it ever since we were in Paris, that can’t be good for me.” Barbara shook her head disapprovingly. “Let go of me.” Susan added as Barbara clutched her hand. “I don’t know what’ll happen if you’re holding onto me when… it happens.”
Reluctantly Barbara complied. Sitting as close as she could get, she watched Susan carefully. It hadn’t fully set in that this was going to happen, her mind protesting this alien process her companion was seemingly about to undergo. She thought back to Paris, to how ill the girl had been, how maybe it was her fault. She knew they’d all deny it, say that the cell was always going to make her sick, but perhaps they were wrong.
Suddenly she was forced out of her thoughts as she looked down at Susan. Something was happening. Her face was overcome with a bright light, akin to that of a blinding white sunrise on the horizon. It was like she had disappeared in front of Barbara’s eyes. Barbara could feel the raw energy radiating from her body, she tried to move back slightly to evade its powerful aura. She wondered if everything truly would be different.
It felt like an eternity had passed with Barbara watching the empty space of Susan’s face re-form and mould itself into someone new. Finally, the light ceased.
She was gone. In her place lay another young girl, with slight, elfin features made up in a dazed expression with closed eyes. Her hair was shoulder length and a shade of dark blond, laying askew across her face.
Barbara’s mind screamed at her, telling her this was a stranger. But logic won out and she knew this surely still had to be Susan, simply ‘changed’.
“Susan…?” She muttered cautiously, reaching her hand forward to push the hair from the young girl’s face. “Is- is that you?”
Opening her eyes slightly, Susan stared at Barbara’s expectant face. She scrunched up her face in weary thought.
“You’re alright, it’s over now- I think.” Barbara tried to reassure the wide-eyed girl.
“Barbara.” She whispered hoarsely, testing out her voice. “You’re Barbara.”
“Yes, that’s right.” She hoped all had gone as expected, after all she had no way of knowing. “I’m Barbara, and you’re Susan.”
“Susan…” The girl repeated. “Maybe.”
“You are.” Barbara said. “You've changed, but you're still you.” She tried to act knowledgeable, as she usually was, but the facade was hard to maintain. “Did it- did it hurt?” She knew she shouldn't be asking such questions but her curiosity was too strong to ignore.
“Aches- my whole body.” She whispered uncertainly. “My head’s pounding.” She groaned.
Barbara stared down at her friend in shock, surely the purpose of the process was to help and not harm. Shaking her head, she grasped Susan’s hand in hers. It was odd, having to adjust her usual comfort for the new hand she held.
“It’s going to be alright now.” She tried to say but her voice was shaky with fear. Susan had just disappeared in front of her eyes and yet here she was sat beside her, renewed. “I’ve got you.” Barbara rubbed circles across the young girl's palm as she blinked rapidly. “That was… I’m sure you did very well.” If she had been calmer perhaps she would have chuckled at her treatment of the process as if it were a piece of homework Susan had simply excelled at.
Suddenly Susan sat up stiffly before groaning and clutching her hands to her aching head. Then she began to feel her hair, pulling down a strand into her eye line.
“That’s not right. Not right at all.” She muttered unsatisfactorily at her new hairstyle. “Isn’t that right Barbara, that it’s not right? Ha, Miss Wright is that right?” Barbara worried she was getting manic.
“No, I suppose not.” She sighed, “I mean for before it’s not right. But you said you’d change, and you have.”
“Hmm, I guess you’re right.” Susan smiled at Barbara widely. “Then perhaps it is right- for this new me I mean.”
“‘New me?’”
“I’m… I’m new, aren’t I?”
“But you’re still you?”
“Maybe.”
Barbara sighed at the girl, she was clearly working herself into a frenzy. “Look, I really think I ought to fetch the Doctor- he’ll know more than I do.”
That made Susan frown, “What will he say? I’ve renewed without him.”
“I’m sure he’ll just be happy to know you’re alright. And besides, you said your… people, are used to this. He won’t judge you.” Barbara pleaded with the girl. “Just stay here, I shan’t be long.”
Standing up and trying to stretch in the confines of her dress, Barbara decided to call in the Doctor. Looking down she watched as Susan sat, now cross-legged, on the floor, counting her fingers over and over again. It was probably for the best to fetch him.
Leaving the room Barbara finally felt like she could breathe. Susan had died. Susan had died and she hadn’t been able to do anything about it. Stumbling through the corridors she felt as if she were in shock. Everything had happened so fast and she’d tried her best to support the girl but that didn’t change anything: Susan was dead. The young blond girl sitting in Susan’s room was paradoxically her and not her at the same time. Now it was Barbara’s turn for her head to ring.
Reaching the console room she was met by Ian and the Doctor’s questioning gazes.
“You’ve been gone a while!” Ian chuckled, “Got lost in the labyrinth did you?”
Barbara ignored him and stumbled over to the Doctor at the central console. “Doctor, it’s- it’s Susan.”
“What of her?” He harrumphed. “Can’t you see I’m trying to work!” He was polishing the center column with an antiquated handkerchief.
“She’s… well…”
“Spit it out!” The old man demanded, throwing the handkerchief down on the console.
“Something’s happened- she explained some of it but I still don’t understand. A… renewal.” Her voice was little more than a whisper.
That caught the Doctor’s attention. “A renewal?” His voice rose in panicked concern.
“Yes. She’s… changed.”
“I- I don’t understand. She’s so young.” He muttered, stumbling over his words. “But she was ill, yes, she was. When I wasn’t there for all of you.”
The Doctor stood in silence before Ian spoke up, clearly confused.
“What are you two talking about? What’s all this about Susan?”
“Oh Ian!” Barbara said emotionally, “I saw it- she changed right in front of my eyes!”
“Change? What’s that supposed to mean?”
The Doctor interrupted them. “It means, that we must attend to her. Come along.” Authoritatively he directed the couple to follow him.
No one spoke as they made their way to Susan’s room. The Doctor too in thought, Barbara too frightened and Ian too confused.
At last they reached the slightly ajar door, the Doctor entered first followed by Barbara then Ian.
Susan was still on the floor, but looked more comfortable than she previously had. Her expression was contemplative and she was hard at work fashioning her hair into two pigtails. The Doctor stopped just ahead of her, looking at the young girl with an unreadable expression.
Staring up at him, Susan began to speak hurriedly, “I’m sorry grandfather I couldn’t stop it and I know hiding it was wrong and I’m sorry for that too and I’m sorry for Paris and not-”
Kneeling down at her side, the Doctor pressed his finger to the panicked girl’s mouth, stopping her apologetic tirade. It was as if he and Susan were having a wordless conversation, leaving Ian and Barbara standing limply at the door.
“I don’t understand… Where's Susan?” Ian muttered, staring at the young girl in confusion. Barbara grasped his arm softly and tried to explain.
“That is Susan, I saw it happen. Something her people can do, renew themselves when in need.”
“But that’s impossible, people don’t just go around changing what they look like at a moment’s notice!” Ian announced incredulously. Susan looked up at him with a silent glare. “Something must have happened to her.”
“No Ian, this is what’s happened to her. Look, I’m honestly as confused as you are but I watched as she changed.”
“No, no you must have been mistaken. Perhaps she’s been swapped out, something got in the ship?”
The Doctor sharply dismissed him. “Once again Chestertop your ideas of ‘normal’ have proved rather too narrow. I rather think you should listen to Miss Wright in this instance.”
“Please don’t be difficult… Ian isn’t it?” Susan suddenly spoke up. “They’re both right.”
“You’re really Susan? Susan Foreman?”
“I suppose so. Though I don’t really like the name Susan.” Ian frowned in doubt once more.
The Doctor chuckled, trying to keep a brave face. “And why not? You were so pleased when you decided upon it?”
“Not sure, it just doesn’t really fit me anymore.” The girl shrugged. “Neither do these clothes, you know I rather think I’ve gotten taller.”
“Not by much mind you.” The Doctor giggled. “And what of your head?”
“My head? Oh yes my head! Much better now you’re here.” She said with a wide smile, leaning into the Doctor’s comforting embrace. “Barbara was very helpful you know.”
“Was she now?” The Doctor turned to look at Barbara who shook her head modestly.
“You were!” The girl reassured her, “I don’t think I’d have had the strength to do it without you.”
The Doctor grinned happily at Barbara, “Then what a relief you came to find her, where would we all be otherwise!” Barbara didn’t want to think about that alternative.
“So… you say you don’t want to be called Susan anymore?” Ian asked inquisitively but also with caution. Half of his mind was telling him to be logical, that she couldn’t have just changed like that, but the other half screamed that of course this was his young friend.
“No, not really.” She mumbled. “I suppose I’ll have to find a new name.”
“That is traditionally how it works- for these earth people at least!” The Doctor said. “Does anything come to mind?”
The girl put her finger to her mouth in thought, her nose scrunched up as she pondered the task. Barbara couldn’t imagine the ‘old’ her doing that, at least not in that way.
“Perhaps something french?” She suggested, Barbara looking at her in shock.
“Susan! You can’t possibly want a name inspired by-” The girl glared at her with a warning expression. However she did somewhat agree.
“Maybe not. Or something at least a bit related?”
Ian scoffed and began listing names. “How about Carole, Beatrice, Millie, I heard Tanni’s all the range for kids these days. If you want something french how about something meaningful? Say Victoire? For our ‘victory’?” Barbara shoved him in the side but their young friend seemed unbothered by his brash attitude.
“Victoire…” She mumbled. “Too long. Hmm, what about Vicki?”
“Vicki?” The Doctor repeated back to her, “A fine name!”
“I like it.” ‘Vicki’ declared happily but still with a mildly dazed expression. Her head started to droop in tiredness; the Doctor had to support her as the adrenaline began to wear out.
“Well then, Vicki it is.” Barbara agreed wearily before looking at the Doctor, “You’re sure she’s alright?”
“Poor girl seems exhausted, probably is after all that walking.” Ian added.
“I'm sure she’ll be right as rain given she has time to recover. Perhaps when she is feeling more lively I could take her to the zero room for a time…” The Doctor muttered more to himself than the two humans. “Barbara, I think you should take some time to yourself, change into something more comfortable and relax.” The woman smiled at the Doctor’s concern for her.
Ian took her hand in his, “Yes, come along. Let’s let these two have some time to themselves.” He still didn’t really understand what had happened, but he needed to be strong. And besides, Barbara would surely tell him everything over a steaming mug of tea before they went to bed, as was their routine.
“You’ll come and tell us how she’s doing?” She shakily asked the Doctor, reluctant to leave the newly christened Vicki. “And you do promise she’ll get better?”
“Of course my dear, I give you my word.” The Doctor gently assured her, pressing his hand against the now almost asleep girl’s hair. “We’ll be just fine.” She could tell he was sad, but didn’t want to press him when she was right there.
Slowly Ian and Barbara left the room; the Doctor could hear frenzied whispers as they walked away.
He stared down at his granddaughter’s changed face with a melancholy expression. If a renewal was going to happen, he always assumed it would be his. And yet it wasn’t. Perhaps he had failed her, leaving her to that cell to fall victim to illness.
The Doctor looked at the girl’s face, confused at himself. He truly was spending too much time with humans if this was how he reacted to a simple renewal. Vicki was right here, changed but all the better for it. He hoped he was helping her with his meager comfort of being there- their people had all sorts of advanced methods to make the process quicker, easier, smoother.
And yet, the Doctor let himself imagine that he was enough. Even Chatterton and Barbara were… accepting. Not so long ago he wouldn’t have expected that for humans and yet they were remarkably adaptive. He supposed he was wrong about them.
Hopefully they’d take to Vicki well, they showed such promise towards her already. Then their lives could remain interrupted and he wouldn’t have to take them back, with haste at least. And Vicki was going to be alright, he was sure of it. He could tell she was going to be different, their mental link morphing and developing into something new. But she was still his granddaughter and nothing would ever change that.