Chapter Text
“Isang lalaki ang nabangga sa isang subdivision kung saan dinala ito sa pinakamalapit na hospital. Kritikal ang kalagayan ng biktima at kasalukuyang nakakulong na ang driver ng truck na nakasagasa. Nakuha ng CCTV ang pangyayari…”
Malakas na salpukan…
Sigaw ng mga taong humihingi ng tulong…
Ingay ng ambulansya…
Jeonghan jolted awake, his breath ragged. Tagaktak ang pawis niya at rinig niya ang lakas ng tibok ng puso niya. Napatingin siya sa paligid niya. The room was dark, silent — except for the soft breathing coming from Seungcheol sleeping beside him.
Same scenario every single night keeps flashing to Jeonghan’s dream and keeps him awake at night. Actually, it’s not a dream anymore—it’s a nightmare. A nightmare he wants to escape. And tonight is just another one of those nights. Just a dream… but why did it feel so real?
Nang maka-recover siya at pansamantalang kumalma. Napansin niya ang luha sa mata at pagtuyo ng lalamunan niya. Agad niyang pinunasan ang luhang pumapatak bago dumako ang mata niya sa bedside table at nakita niyang walang baso ng tubig ang nandon.
Maybe Cheol forgot to put a glass of water on the table again.
Seungcheol always made sure to have a water on their side as he knew that since that ‘day’ walang gabi ang nakatulog siya nang mahimbing. Baka nag overtime na naman si Seungcheol kaya nakalimutan nito. Ilang araw na rin na late umuuwi ito kaya alam niya ang pagod nito.
He looked for the man beside him which made his mind and heart in peace, a little smile seen in Jeonghan's face. Seungcheol, his boyfriend since high school, sleeping peacefully beside him, wearing their couple pajamas. Naglagi ang mata niya ng ilang minuto sa kasintahan bago dahan dahang tinanggal ang braso na nakapulupot sa bewang niya. Pagod talaga si Cheol dahil light sleeper lang ito pero hindi ito nagising sa pagtanggal niya.
He needed to get up and go to the kitchen to get water by himself. Tuyong tuyo na ang lalamunan niya at parang nasasamid na siya. When he saw his wheelchair at the side, his smile faded. It's like all the bad thoughts and doubts crept into his mind again. All the painful memories he was trying to bury, keeps resurfacing, haunting him again.
He tried to keep it quiet dahil ayaw niyang magising si Seungcheol dahil pagod ito. He left the room in his wheelchair. He heads straight to the kitchen and get himself some water. Jeonghan and Seungcheol are living together for eight years. Their master bedroom was initially on the second floor of their condo unit. But they decided to transfer their things to the guest room (now their main bedroom) on the first floor so Jeonghan would be at ease and can move around with his wheelchair especially when Seungcheol left for work.
Jeonghan was involved in a car accident this year. He barely remembers what happened. All he remembered was the screeching tires, the taste of his blood, darkness. And when he woke up, he couldn't feel his legs anymore.
He already visited several experts. Therapies and surgeries was their option for treatment so he can finally be able to walk again. But it’s been months and there's only minimal improvement. He already gave up his faith on walking again and accepting the fate that he will be forever bound with these crippled legs. His family and Seungcheol are the one who keeps pushing him to these therapies, kahit na ayaw na niya, kahit na pagod na siya. Kung gumana man ang sinasabi nila, mas okay. Pero kung hindi, tanggap na naman niya. Iniyakan na niya, natuto na siyang tanggapin, hindi na siguro siya masasaktan sa katotohanan kapag disappointing ang kinalabasan.
Since his accident, he felt that he was just a burden to everyone, especially to Cheol. A lot of adjustments from their everyday lives. He needs to be taken care of every single time. And what made him realized this? The mess in their condo unit right now. His fingers curled up to his wheelchair as he looked at those dishes in the sink, the boxes that were left untouched on their coffee table, the trash that he couldn't throw to the garbage chute of their building. All of these were the ones he used to do but was now left for Cheol to handle. This made him realize how he depended so much on Seungcheol since the accident.
Alam niyang hindi magiging masaya si Seungcheol sa sitwasyon na ito. Jeonghan knew he was being selfish enough to keep Seungcheol in this relationship. But he still has this tiny hope, not for himself, but for their relationship. He was still holding to their promise years ago, that no matter what happen, they will be together until the end of their lives. Mahal na mahal niya si Cheol kaya ayaw niya itong pakawalan. He spent years na ligawan si Cheol noong high school at kung kailan mahal na siya nito, doon pa ba siya susuko?
Kung tutuusin, hindi si Seungcheol ang sumisira ng tiwala niya. Walang pagkukulang si Seungcheol kay Jeonghan. Grabe ang assurance na binibigay ng lalaki sa kaniya, kahit minsan late ito umuwi dahil sa trabaho. Lagi siya nitong inaalagaan lalo na nung nasa kritikal pa siya at nasa hospital. Si Cheol ang nag aalaga sa kaniya, nagpapalit ng benda. Kaya alam niyang hindi siya magagawang saktan nito. Pero bakit ganito ang nararamdaman niya? Bakit kesa matuwa, nasasaktan siya?
Dahil sarili niya ang kalaban niya. Ang sariling utak niya. Parang trinatraydor siya nito at kung ano anong pagdududa ang namumunga dito. Yung mga madaling araw na uwi ni Seungcheol, namumunga na agad iyon sa pagdududa na baka may ibang kasama ang lalaki. Na baka pinagpalit na siya nito. Na baka may kinikita na ito. Na baka may bago na. Na baka napagod na sa kaniya. Na baka hindi na siya ang mahal nito. Wala nga dapat ipangamba dahil sa pagsisigurado ni Seungcheol na siya pa rin kahit anong mangyari. Pero bakit ganito ang takbo ng utak niya?
“Love?”
Napatingin agad si Jeonghan sa bukana ng kusina, kung saan nakatayo ang namumungas pa na si Seungcheol. Nakasandal pa ang kalahati ng katawan sa pader at halos hindi pa mulat ang mga mata. Agad na lumambot ang puso ni Jeonghan at pinagulong ang wheelchair papunta sa kasintahan. Naalimpungatan siguro at napansin na wala si Jeonghan sa tabi niya.
“Bakit lumabas ka pa, Love? Sana ginising mo na lang ako.” Seungcheol kissed his head and pushed the wheelchair towards their bedroom.
“I don't want to disturb your sleep. Pagod ka na, Love” tumingala siya upang magtama ang mata nila. Kita niya ang malambot na tingin ni Seungcheol sa kaniya.
“Nagdala si Mama ng food kanina kaso nilagay ko lang din sa ref kasi nagtext ka na di ka makakauwi agad. Nag-dinner ka na ba?" umiling ang nakakatanda kaya napasapo naman si Jeonghan sa noo niya. Nasasanay na si Seungcheol na hindi kumakain ng gabihan at hindi tama iyon. “You want me to heat up the food? Mabilis lang naman, balik tayo kusina" umiling muli si Cheol at hinaplos ang buhok ni Jeonghan na hanggang balikat. “Okay lang, Love. Busog ako kasi nagmiryenda naman ako sa office. Ikaw ba? Kumain ka na?"
“Kasabay ko si Mama kanina. Bakit ba na-late ka nang uwi? Na-traffic ka ba?” Jeonghan asked while his boyfriend picked him up to place him on their bed. Seungcheol knew Jeonghan like the back of his hands. He was pretty sure that his boyfriend was already overthinking about it.
Seungcheol just chuckled at his thoughts, he pushed the wheel chair on the side, kneeled down in front of his boyfriend and tucked Jeonghan’s hair behind his ears. Pinagmamasdan niya ang magandang mukha ng kasintahan.
“Love, nasa Pilipinas tayo, given na yung traffic pero bukod sa traffic, super busy lang talaga sa work. Kailangan lang talaga naming i-close itong deal na ito. Kaya need talaga mag overtime.” Jeonghan just pouted and Seungcheol immediately pressed his lips to his pouty boyfriend.
All he wanted to do is just peck on his lips. But the peck started from one…two..three… hanggang sa lumalim na ang halik nito. Seungcheol's right hand was placed on his nape to deepen the kiss even more. Halos malagutan ng hininga si Jeonghan at kumukuha na lang siya ng lakas sa paghigpit ng kapit niya sa damit ng nakakatanda. Nakakahinga na lang siya kapag umiiba nang posisyon si Seungcheol bago sakupin muli ang labi niya, ramdam rin niya ang pagkagat nito sa bandang ibabang labi.
Seungcheol’s free hand wandered on the hem of younger’s shirt. It was initially placed on Jeonghan's back and he immediately curved his back. And he felt something entered his shirt. Agad na naglikit ang kamay nito sa katawan ni Jeonghan. At nang maramdaman ng nakakabata ang init ng kamay nito sa mismong balat niya ay napabalik si Jeonghan sa ulirat. There's this shiver he felt down his spine when Seungcheol touched him skin to skin. It wasn't from pleasure— but fear. Takot na hindi niya alam kung saan nanggagaling. He tightened even more his grip on his shirt, not to pull him closer, but to push him away.
Agad siyang napadilat at pilit na tinutulak si Seungcheol. Pumiglas na siya pero mas malaki ang lalaki. He needs to stop this. Walang mangyayari. Pagod si Seungcheol. Hindi pa siya handa…
“L-love…stop…” agad na tumigil si Seungcheol nang marinig niya ito mula kay Jeonghan. Agad na bumalik sa ulirat ang nakakatanda. And when the heat between them subsided, Seungcheol calmed himself down and kissed Jeonghan's forehead.
“Love, it’s okay if you're not ready yet. I understand. Hindi mo kailangan pilitin.” Jeonghan looked on the tent in Seungcheol's pants. He knew that Seungcheol was just reassuring him so he wouldn't feel bad.
“I can definitely calm my buddy in the restroom, Love. But are you sure you're okay? You’re trembling kanina.” his chuckle turned to worry when he realized what happened when Jeonghan pushed him away, telling him to stop.
Inaalala pa ni Cheol si Jeonghan kesa sa sarili niya.
“I’m okay. I'm just…not ready yet.” softly whisper. Seungcheol barely hears him but he concluded what he was saying. Maraming pagdududa pa si Jeonghan sa sarili simula nung naaksidente ang binata at paniguradong hindi pa si Jeonghan handa.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Love?” the younger one nodded. “Alright, you can sleep if you want. I just need to take care of my buddy.” Seungcheol chuckled while patting the tent in his pants. Tipid na ngumiti si Jeonghan kaya hiniga na siya ni Seungcheol sa kama at hinalikan sa noo. He gave him ton of words of reassurance before he left to go to the restroom.
As soon as Jeonghan was left alone in the dim room, agad na bumuhos ang luha niyang kanina pa niya pilit na pinipigilan. Kung ano ano na naman ang pumapasok sa utak niya. He began to question himself again. Tama ba ang ginawa niya? Hindi kaya nasaktan si Cheol sa asal niya?
Bakit ko siya tinulak? I love Seungcheol! This should be fine between us. I should want this!
But why did my fingers tremble when he touched me?
Why did I push him away when this was something we usually do before?
Is it because I’m scared?
But no. I’m not.
I’m not scared of his touch.
I’m not scared of losing him.
The only thing I’m scared of is him realizing I’m not the same Jeonghan he fell in love with.