Chapter Text
Jiang Cheng was content with his life. He had his sect, which he built with his own hands, his people, whom he selected personally one by one after the massacre of Lotus Pier. He had Jing Ling - his pride and joy - and everyone who was important to him finally found their happy ending.
But even if he was content with his life, he couldn’t stop thinking about the past. About “what if’s” and everything he had lost. Especially on the nights when he couldn’t sleep and was just lying in his bed, like today.
He was lying in his bed after a long day as a sect leader. He had already answered all the correspondence that needed to be answered, trained his disciples, helped some of the villagers, and worked without a break. All so that he would be too exhausted and would just fall asleep. But he couldn’t sleep.
He was just lying on his bed, arms and legs spread like a starfish and was just staring through the window. He could see the moon, shining brightly in the night. It was nearly a full moon, and Jiang Cheng couldn’t stop staring at it. While he was staring at the moon, he remembered his past, all that happened in the last years and grieved what he had lost.
In the early years during and after the war against the Wens, he hadn’t had the time to think about everything that happened. He had a sect to build, people to recruit, and his nephew to raise. He even didn’t have the time to process the losses he had - especially the death of his sister and his brother. The first years he lived like he was in a trance, the only fuel for not breaking down was anger.
So, he worked and worked - the only way to keep the nightmares away - and did everything he could to keep the rest of the things that were important to him safe. And if people would fear him because of it - even better.
Fear protected his sect and people would think twice to go against his sect. He wasn’t the weak young sect leader anymore who couldn’t protect the only family he had left. He was strong and he achieved everything with his own bare hands - that is what kept him going for the last thirteen years. Even if he couldn’t protect everyone - he indeed did the impossible and now his sect is one of the strongest there is.
But everything came crashing down after the Guanyin Temple incident. The truth about his core, all the truth that got revealed on that day. Everything he did - everything he achieved was now tainted because he wasn’t the one that did it. It was his brother’s doing. If it wasn’t for the sacrifice Wei Wuxian did, Jiang Cheng wouldn’t have achieved anything. And Jiang Cheng was so angry! But also, so hurt. How could Wei Wuxian hide this secret? Just why did he do it? Why didn’t he say anything to him?
Thinking about all of this, he couldn’t help but think more about his brother. Or maybe he shouldn’t say brother anymore. Because even if Wei Wuxian was back, he wasn’t Jiang Cheng’s brother anymore. Wei Wuxian said it himself - let the past be in the past and move on. And Jiang Cheng had to accept this. His brother deserved a new start - even if it meant that the past Wei Wuxian meant was also him.
But Jiang Cheng couldn’t let this go - couldn’t let him go. Not with this core inside of him. Not when everything he has done for his sect was in truth Wei Wuxian's achievements. Because Jiang Cheng wouldn’t be strong enough to do everything without his core.
But he couldn’t be angry at Wei Wuxian anymore because that would make him a hypocrite wouldn’t it? He also sacrificed himself. He just wanted his brother to be safe and sound. At that moment, it didn’t matter to him what would happen to him. Wei Wuxian would do the right thing. He was always better than him, more talented, more friendly and more intelligent. He would do the impossible and would be able to restore the legacy of his parents and his sect.
Even his own father would have wanted to have Wei Wuxian as the next sect leader - his father’s clear disinterest, dissatisfaction and disappointment at Jiang Cheng were clear signs for it. But his mother was the force against it. Of course her pride wouldn’t allow it to admit no matter how hard Jiang Cheng would train, would learn, no matter how many hours of sleep he would lose to learn more, to practice more - he would never be a match for the raw talent that Wei Wuxian was.
Jiang Cheng knew his mother loved him and that everything she had done was to protect him. He loved his mother but he never wanted to be like her. He wanted to be someone who gave his love freely, without conditions and he wanted to build relationships based on trust and not fear. Even if he inherited his mother’s temper, even if he often lashed out and was angry, he still wanted to give his love freely.
But his parents really made it hard for him. He couldn’t say anything against them and then he had lost them because of it. But he still had his siblings and would do anything to protect them! And he proved it to himself - even in his lowest moments he willingly sacrificed himself to save the people who meant everything to him. That was the proof he needed to see that he can love the people important to him unconditionally! He was ready to die for his family and he didn’t mind what the Wens would do to him.
When he got captured he thought that they would just kill him and would hang his body like a trophy - like they did with his parents' bodies. But what they did to him - don't think about it Jiang Cheng don’t think. But even in these moments he was just glad that he could save Wei Wuxian and if his life was the only thing that it would take to save the last people who mean so much for him then it was a price he was willing to pay.
Even with all the torture, even when Wen Zhuliu melted his core - he just had to wait for the day where he could finally rest, reunite with his parents and maybe get reincarnated into a better life for him. Where he could be the person he wanted to be and love everyone he loved freely.
But then everything happened differently. Wei Wuxian came to rescue him, Wei Wuxian risked his life to save his worthless life and Jiang Cheng was just so angry about it. Just why did Wei Wuxian come, why did he rescue him?!
Without Jiang Cheng in the picture, Wei Wuxian would have been the next sect leader of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, he would do the impossible and protect the legacy of his parents. But now Jiang Cheng was still alive and the burden of responsibility fell on him - how could he protect everyone without his core?! How could he rebuild his sect, recruit people and be strong with something so essential missing? How could he fight in the war?!
The days after his rescue were a blur. He just knew that he screamed and was unstable until Wen Qing put him into an induced coma. And after he became stable again to talk, Wei Wuxian gave him hope, his core could be repaired again! He trusted Wei Wuxian so much that he didn’t see any fault in his explanation. And it worked! He had his core back!
But then Wei Wuxian disappeared, demonic cultivation happened, Wei Wuxian abandoned him because of the Wen remnants, Jin Zixuan died, his sister died, Jin Ling was all alone and Wei Wuxian died.
If he knew what would happen after he got his core back - no, after Wei Wuxian made such a sacrifice - he would just have killed himself even before the Wens could so everyone who died would get to live again.
Why was his life spared? Why did Jing Ling have to lose both of his parents? Why was he the only one who survived?
No, he wasn’t the only one anymore - but the brother he once had wasn’t there anymore.
After the events in the Guanyin Temple Jiang Cheng wanted so many times to reach out to Wei Wuxian. But he couldn’t forget the way Wei Wuxian looked at the temple. After Wei Wuxian thanked him for giving him Chenqing back again Jiang Cheng wanted to tell him everything. But he couldn’t, because after his thanks Wei Wuxian turned to Hanguang-Jun and the Lan Junior who was often with them. And he looked so happy with them and didn’t turn back, so Jiang Cheng couldn’t burden him even more with the past.
Jiang Cheng knew at this moment that his brother was really gone and the relationship they once had would never bloom again. Wei Wuxian left his past in his past. And even if Jiang Cheng never thought that Wei Wuxian would leave him, he did. Twice.
So he just walked away, ignored the questions his nephew had and just went home.
Because even if he still loved his brother, even if he still wanted to be in Wei Wuxian's life - he couldn’t go against his wishes. If Wei Wuxian wanted to forget his past, who was Jiang Cheng to deny this wish?
So he pretended that nothing happened between them. They were strangers and Jiang Cheng had to act like it! But it didn’t stop the heavy feeling in his heart from happening. That is why he tried his best just to avoid Wei Wuxian. And luckily they didn’t meet that often.
Thinking about the Guanyin Temple incident he also thought about his nephew. After everything was settled, Jin Ling became the new sect leader of the Lanling Jin Sect and all the sect members that were corrupt were picked out, banished or imprisoned for their crimes.
Of course Jiang Cheng helped Jin Ling to restore his sect and its reputation. But a really big help was the sect leader of the Qinghe Nie Sect - his old friend Nie Huaisang.
Everybody now knew just how capable he was and that he wasn’t just a headshaker. They both helped Jin Ling to recruit new and capable people, so the Lanling Jin Sect could begin anew.
And Jin Ling did such a good job as a new sect leader! Not even a month after the new regiment under Jin Ling, the Lanling Jin Sect did so many good deeds. They helped the poor and the people who needed it, they built new homes and went from Nighthunts to Nighthunts. Everyone had just sung praises for his nephew and his people loved and respected him!
But Jiang Cheng was still so sad for his nephew, for him to take so much responsibility so young and to lose his childhood. So he was more than glad that he made some friends. The two Lan Juniors and the young master Ouyang were a big help for Jin Ling to have some resemblance of his childhood.
And of course Jiang Cheng would help him when he needed it. But Jin Ling didn’t need much help. After Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang helped Jin Ling to sort out the corrupt members of the Lanling Jin Sect, Jin Ling didn’t ask for help anymore. He had done everything by himself and Jiang Cheng was so proud of him!
But he also felt lonely, because Jin Ling spent even less time with him now. But he wouldn’t hold Jin Ling back, he knew how it harmed the upbringing of Jin Ling.
Even if Jiang Cheng didn’t know it better then. He just lost everyone and Jin Ling was the only thing that was left. Of course he became overbearing and overprotective and he couldn’t help to fall back in these patterns sometimes.
But he wanted to trust in his nephew, trust in his abilities and he wanted to trust Jin Ling to reach for help if he needed it. Because at the end of the day he loved his nephew so much and was so proud of what he achieved in his young years.
And he had to admit that the new friendship between the two Lan juniors and the young master Ouyang really helped Jin Ling. So he was just glad that even after everything that happened, Jin Ling still gained so much. He deserved it. And he could still see his nephew in the joint Nighthunts with the other sects! Even if that didn’t happen too often, he was still thankful for the time he had with his nephew.
And every time he saw his nephew, he became even prouder! Jin Ling really blossomed in his role as sect leader but he still hadn’t lost his childhood. He would see how Jin Ling could command his sect members with much gusto, but he also could see how he would be relaxed and still be a teenager with his friends. Jiang Cheng was so glad that Jin Ling became a sect leader in a time of peace - even if he became a sect leader too young. And he was so thankful for his friends, but of course he wouldn’t say that out loud.
The downside of his nephew being friends with the two Lan juniors was that he would sometimes see Wei Wuxian on the joint Nighthunts. They were civil with each other - Jiang Cheng would just ignore him.
But when nobody was looking he would check on Wei Wuxian, check on injuries or other problems even he wouldn’t admit it to himself.
But every time he looked at Wei Wuxian, he just saw how happy Wei Wuxian was with his husband and his son.
The news of their elopement reached him just two weeks after the Guanyin Temple incident. Even if his first reaction was anger and frustration - for not being informed personally or not even being invited to the wedding - his real feelings were happiness and relief. Happiness for all the good things that happened to Wei Wuxian after everything he sacrificed. And relief for Wei Wuxian to finally have found his happy end.
He was also so thankful for the person who never stopped loving and believing in Wei Wuxian even after everything that happened. Even if he never wouldn’t say it out loud and even if this person was Hanguang-Jun.
But he was still jealous. Jiang Cheng always thought that he would be next to Wei Wuxian. The Two Prides of Yunmeng. And even if Jiang Cheng knew that these feelings were nothing but his selfish desires, he couldn’t help to feel them. Because even if Wei Wuxian didn’t see him as family anymore, even let the past go, let Jiang Cheng go, Jiang Cheng could never let him go.
But he wouldn’t burden Wei Wuxian with this anymore. Jiang Cheng already broke down and talked about his feelings, they both apologized and everything was settled there in the temple. Wei Wuxian now had new people he cared for, his husband and his son - and he was so glad that the small boy from the Burial Mounds had survived and found a new family in Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun.
One of the things he regretted so much was the Siege of the Burial Mounds. He knew that the Wen remnants were just elderly and non cultivators, he knew about the small boy. But Jin Guangshan and the other sect leaders planted a seed of doubt in him and he didn’t have anyone else who could have supported him. Zewu-Jun, Lianfang-Zun and Chifeng-Zun had their brotherhood, from the four big sects three were connected through an unbreakable bond. And Jiang Cheng was even more alone after that and the pressure was even bigger without his head discipline and his sect still in shambles.
So he had to do what he was supposed to do, he had to protect his sect. Like Wei Wuxian had people he wanted to protect, he also had people he wanted to protect.
But he knew that Lianfang-Zun was right. If the bond between him and Wei Wuxian was stronger, if he knew the truth and if he helped his brother - everything would be different.
But nobody can turn back time, can change what happened. So he is even more glad that the people he loved so deeply are happy now and not alone - even if it isn’t him on their side. He saw how the new friendship between the juniors helped Jin Ling so much and he saw how happy Wei Wuxian was with his new life. And if the price for their happiness was loneliness for him - Jiang Cheng would always gladly pay the price. So he can definitely say that he is content with his life.
So why couldn’t he sleep at night? The nightmares were always a problem, he learned to deal with it and still get some sleep. But after the Guanyin Temple incident, sleeping became a really big burden.
Before the incident his nightmares were “just” the terrible things that happened to him. But now - every night he dreams of the same thing.
How Wei Wuxian pierces through his chest and takes out his core. How he hands it to Jiang Cheng. How he hears him say “Now my debts are paid”. And how he vanishes and leaves Jiang Cheng all alone again.
Jiang Cheng already had not an ideal sleeping schedule but with these new nightmares it already got worse. But he couldn’t be weak now, even though he couldn't sleep, he still needed to get some rest. So he did something he started to do after the Guanyin Temple incident - he meditated.
Tomorrow was the Discussion Conference in Cloud Recesses and he had to be fit for it, because it was the first Discussion Conference after everything that happened. So he sat up in his bed, put himself in the lotus position, closed his eyes and meditated. He needed to calm his mind as much as possible so he could be ready for the long trip and the three days in Cloud Recesses.