Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bright light streamed through the cream colored curtains, filling the room with sunlight. At least that's how it should be. In reality, the room was enveloped in darkness, eyes scattered over the walls. "Ugh, this kingdom is just too bright. Too full of Truth." A voice cut through he silence, the eyes blinking in random intervals. Shadow Milk lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. It'd only been two weeks since his arrival, and he's already tired of this place. The constant sound of happy chatter from the square below never failed to piss him off.

"Why can't they all just shut up!" Shadow Milk growled, the extreme emotion causing his magic to lash out. Several items in the room broke, a vase shattered, and a clock fell from the wall. All this activity so early in the morning is just unnecessary. Shadow Milk loved to sleep in, surely 10am is a reasonable time to wake up. Being grumpy after almost 12 hours of sleep is certainly something that can be justified, at least in Shadow Milk's mind, it can.

Further away in another room of the castle, Pure Vanilla Cookie was sitting at the end of a meeting table. Per usual, there were ambassadors fighting over trade, ship routes, and kingdom borders. Such things bore him to no end, but it's certainly improper for such an important figure to voice such views. He sat with his eyes closed, a soft smile gracing his face. It was all to soothe the fears of the other cookies in the room, but it seemed to only fuel the ever-growing fire.

"No, our borders clearly end here. It's been that way for over 200 years!" The diplomat at Pure Vanilla's side shouts, clearly agitated by the atmosphere of the room. One by one, the others begin yelling over each other, trying to get their point across. Soon the room devolved into chaos, yells and screams filling the room. It was bound to end up this way, considering the piece of land their arguing over has been contested for a large part of Pure Vanilla's life. Even if the meeting was fated to be like this, the healer isn't going to sit and look pretty. There's a reason he's still sitting in his seat so calmly.

Three loud knocks silenced the group of envoys, their eyes turning to the end of the table. Pure Vanilla had used his staff to gain their attention, though it surprised him at how fast they were able to silence themselves. "This meeting is meaningless if all that is done is yelling. If you all are finished, you all are dismissed." Pure Vanilla stood, making his way out of the room. The others in the room stared in awe of the situation before quietly gathering their things and exiting.

Sleeping has its advantages, but right now, it feels like the worst decision ever made. All the cooks had gone off to do various other tasks, leaving Shadow Milk to make his own meal. Luckily, being the former Fount of Knowledge gave him quite the list of recipes he could whip up. There was hot jelly stew, strawberry cake, or maybe omurice. Even with all of these options, the most appealing was cereal.

"A mundane meal for a mundane morning." Shadow Milk grumbled, making his way through the halls and to the kitchen. The time he'd already spent in the castle didn't make it any easier to navigate. It'd be best to ask Pure Vanilla himself, but he's not going to sink down to that level. To do that would be a disgrace to his name! Due to not wanting to ask for help, it took Shadow Milk Cookie another thirty minutes to actually find the kitchens. When he did find the room, a loud "YES!" could be heard by any cookie nearby. Entering the kitchen, Shadow Milk began grabbing his ingredients. Cereal and milk, the most average foods a cookie could eat. 

Like the menace he is, he pours the milk first and then the cereal. Shadow Milk enjoyed doing things that would irritate him the most, and the idea of it bringing him joy. Getting a spoon, he sat down in a chair and began eating. Surprisingly, the cereal actually tasted good, like vanilla and cinnamon. Immersed in his eating, Shadow Milk didn't notice the kitchen doors opening or the cookie walking through.

A soft voice rang through the empty room, startling him. "Shadow Milk? You haven't eaten yet?" Ah, it's Pure Vanilla Cookie. It seems the loud exclamation he'd made earlier caught the healer's attention. Hmph, he'd have to be quieter next time he accomplished something. It's hard to get used to living around so many cookies other than Candy Apple and Black Sapphire. "Hmph." Shadow Milk turned away, continuing to eat. These kinds of interactions had become the norm with Shadow Milk ignoring Pure Vanilla Cookie whenever he tried to start a conversation or when an uncomfortable silence fell over them.

Pure Vanilla sighed as he walked further into the kitchen. He'd been trying his best to get closer to his other half, even with the clear hostility. "Shadow Milk, please. I'd like to have a conversation with you." Pure Vanilla thought for a moment before speaking again. "Preferably one not about my souljam."

What is he saying? The only thing Shadow Milk would want to talk about is the souljams. He's certainly still bitter about some of his power being stripped away. "Well, Vanilly, maybe we need to have a conversation about taking what isn't yours." Shadow Milk muttered, still not making eye contact with Pure Vanilla.

"Maybe we do. You have trouble keeping your hands off of my souljam." Pure Vanilla replied, a quiet yet harsh retort. Hypocrisy is a sort of lying Shadow Milk was usually good at, but the healer was always able to call him out. 

Shadow Milk tossed the finished bowl of cereal to the ground, shattering it. Pieces of glass few from the impact, one cutting Pure Vanilla's cheek. He flinched from the sudden pain, reaching his hand up to feel the wound. It was superficial, though it's bleeding profusely. Pure Vanilla opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off.

"You...insufferable little-!" Shadow milk snapped, plunging the room into darkness. "Do you think you can twist my words to teach me some sort of lesson?" He glared at Pure Vanilla from where he was floating, face twisted into a frown. A rhetorical question, but Pure Vanilla took the chance to redirect the conversation.

"Shadow milk, I don't mean to teach you a lesson. I simply want to talk, " he said, smiling at the other despite the circumstances. That smile infuriated SM, only making the situation worse. As the tension in the room got thicker, a door swung open.

A young maid stood frozen in the doorway, staring at the scene unfolding in front of her. With that interruption, Shadow Milk no longer felt like continuing the conversation turned argument. He rolled his eyes with a groan before leaving through one of his portals. The darkness vanished along with him, leaving a slightly injured Pure Vanilla and a shocked maid.

"Um, Pure Vanilla Cookie? Do you want to go to the infirmary?" The girl asked nervously. Pure Vanilla only shook his head, walking past her and out of the room. Talking to anyone won't help calm the storm swirling in his head.

The two of them will have to talk eventually. You can't avoid someone while being in such close quarters with them, nor can you ignore the anger that will eventually boil over.

Chapter Text

It's hard to find things to do with your anger, and for Shadow Milk, that meant tormenting people. Sadly, Pure Vanilla would have his head if he hurt anyone. The second best thing would be acting or cosplaying as another person... aha! Shadow Milk would shapeshift into a lady, and have some fun around town! Now, there's many definitions of fun... and he's gonna have fun in a few certain meanings today.

Blueberry Milk Cookie made her way through the square, smiling and greeting cookies as they passed. Every now and then she "accidentally" tripped someone or knocked over a sign. They were tiny acts of defiance, but they felt good nonetheless. After 30 minutes of inconveniencing citizens, Blueberry Milk came across another cookie. This cookie was sitting on a bench looking out into the square. She sat next to this cookie, staring in the same direction as them. A conversation soon started, and there's nothing like a little flirting here and there. It truly helped him calm down, just not as much as he'd like.

The conversation wasn't the greatest, but a few topics interested her. The other cookie tried to convince Blueberry Milk to come somewhere else with them, but she wasn't having it. It'd gotten boring, and Blueberry Milk seen someone putting up a sign. The perfect spot to cause trouble. This time, she didn't even make it seem like an accident. A hand pushed one cookie off a ladder, another pouring out a paint can, and two dangling a poor cookie above the ground. All the chaos brought Blueberry Milk such joy! She just didn't notice someone slipping away, certainly to tell Pure Vanilla.

An hour passed, and Blueberry Milk had managed to clog the square fountain, trip over 30 cookies, destroyed a statue, and so much more. She'd even flipped a shed upside down! At the end of the day, Blueberry Milk went back to her room. This day had been eventful, and staying transformed took a lot of energy. Blueberry Milk reluctantly gave Shadow Milk control of his body, transforming into his regular form. Falling into bed, Shadow Milk quickly fell asleep. Sadly, not even his minions could warn him of what was soon to happen. 

Pure Vanilla knew of all the disarray, and was angered by Shadow Milk's clear act of defiance. Being angry is no excuse to almost kill someone by pushing them off a ladder. No matter how badly his counterpart doesn't want to talk, there's no avoiding it now.

Chapter Text

When Shadow Milk finally woke up, there was the normal chatter from the square and the too bright sun streaming through the windows. Though, when he left his room there was silence. An unnatural silence where the halls would usually be bustling with activity. Shadow Milk didn't think anything of it and decided to explore the castle. He hadn't had time to really take in the size of this place, realizing how many rooms there actually was.

He found out that not only is there one kitchen, there's two. Shadow Milk didn't see the reason for having two of them, but more power to the chefs. There's about 10 meeting rooms that he passed by, a few actively having an argument playing out in them. Though he'd never admit it, Shadow Milk was impressed by the size of the castle. The part of him that still resonates with learning and Knowledge is intrigued by how the architects put everything together. It's truly fascinating how well it's built considering it's stood for so long.

It took him about thirty minutes to walk halfway through the castle so Shadow Milk theorized it'd take him another thirty to get back to his room. Somehow, during his walk, he didn't realize that Pure Vanilla's room was coming up in front of him. It wouldn't have been hard to tell considering the doorframe was very intricate and eye-catching. Now, the situation he was about to enter could've been avoided if he'd just asked for help with navigating the large castle.

The door was wide open, and as he walked past he felt like he was being stared at. Shadow Milk froze, waiting to see if the other would say something first. Nothing was said, so Shadow Milk turned around, ready to steer the conversation to a topic he liked. He was quickly silenced by the withering glare Pure Vanilla was giving him. "Come in." He demanded, and to Shadow Milk's dismay, his voice was devoid of emotion. Of course, Shadow Milk was debating on whether or not to listen to the healer. There's nothing forcing him to stay, at least that's what he thought before Pure Vanilla spoke again. "Now." That's not great. He has to be angry if he's not even trying to sugarcoat his words.

Reluctantly, Shadow Milk drifted into the room, settling down by the desk. He had a feeling of what this is about, and he wasn't excited to talk about it. Nothing was said for a moment as Pure Vanilla closed the door. The silences was broken by the healer once he settled onto his bed. "I heard about what you did in the kingdom yesterday." Shadow Milk suddenly couldn't bear to look at Pure Vanilla, turning his gaze to everything and anything but the healer. Being called out for his actions isn't very fun. 

Waiting to see if Shadow Milk would own up to it, and he didn't, Pure Vanilla decided that it was unlikely. "Many cookies were hurt by your actions. Businesses had to close due to property damage." He maintained eye contact, wanting Shadow Milk to really feel see how his actions affected others. "I truly thought you would be better than this, Shadow Milk." Pure Vanilla stood, walking to the nearby window. "I suppose I thought wrong."

He turned to face Shadow Milk, leaning against the wall for some support. "I've tried my hardest to give you kindness no matter what you have done, but this? This isn't something I can simply forgive." The emotionally charged words flew out of Pure Vanilla's mouth as if he'd been waiting to say them for a long, long time. It's an uncomfortable feeling, having all of the things you've done laid bare.

Shadow Milk only sighed, finally glancing over at Pure Vanilla. "Well, what did you expect? Did you want me to just change the way I am the moment I got here? I'm a Beast, for Witches sake-" The healer quickly cut him off, raising his voice. "I don't care. What matters is that you broke the rules I gave you. You've broken the trust I put in you." Silence fell over them once more, the eye contact quickly being broken. 

After a minute or two, crying could be heard from that window. Pure Vanilla... was crying. Shadow Milk almost reached out to comfort him, but realized what he was doing. He's the cause of what the healer is feeling, his pain. What right does he have to try and soothe his pain? Shadow Milk could only stare from where he was, watching everything unfold. Sniffles filled the room as Pure Vanilla continued to cry.  He looked up at Shadow Milk, tears spilling down his face. "Is this just a joke to you?" The words, even with their harshness, are the Truth. "Is there anything, anything that you take seriously?" 

There was no response from Shadow Milk. How could he when the cookie who'd decided to forgive him is saying things like this? The best he could muster was a quiet sigh, just a sigh while Pure Vanilla is going through it. Though it took a while, Shadow Milk finally spoke a few words. "Do you want anything from me? Or am I no longer feeding your savior complex?" He couldn't help but act out a little, it was just his "nature"., as he says.

Pure Vanilla's gaze snapped up to Shadow Milk, not expecting him to speak. The added comment only made him feel worse, the tears flowing freely now. "The only thing I want is for you to leave. Don't talk to me, don't even come near me." He leaned against the wall, covering his face with his hand. Without the usual aura of a king... Pure Vanilla just looked like an exhausted, overworked cookie who's finally forced to deal with his emotions. 

A protest almost slipped through Shadow Milk's lips before he silenced himself. He's not going to leave because Pure Vanilla told him to, no. He's leaving to avoid any more annoying arguments. Floating almost silently back to his room, he thought about what had just happened. If Pure Vanilla wanted to be left alone, then fine. Shadow Milk will just make it seem like he'd never even been in the castle. That'll teach him.

Chapter Text

"Ugh!" He groaned, lying on his bed. It took everything in his power to not flip the whole castle upside down. Of course, Shadow Milk wasn't angry about what he'd done, no. He's angry because he'd been caught. Nothing's worse than getting caught after trying your hardest to not get caught! So what if so many cookies had seen what he'd done, that doesn't mean he deserved punishment.

It's bad enough that Pure Vanilla's angry with him, but being banished to your room for an indefinite time really affects a cookie. Nothing was worse than being forced into an enclosed space. Shadow Milk had already been imprisoned for far too long. Being alone with just your thoughts, knowing that what you've done has caused such pain... it isn't something he'd like to feel again. 

Even when he spread the Truth, it never got him anywhere. He could never please anyone. All cookies wanted different things, but the same answer. "Will everything be okay?" They'd ask, but got angry when he told them the Truth. Nothing he ever did was good enough for Them. When he finally snapped from the pressure, Shadow Milk was punished. Now, even after being forgiven, he still couldn't do anything right. He was only punished, trapped in the Silver Tree for so long. He'd counted the days but they eventually began to blur together.

After he fell from grace, he'd embraced Deceit and made it his way of life. It was nature, lying. He couldn't help it, but everyone always blamed him for everything. Life always threw shit at him during his lowest point. Isolation never helped. It only made things worse. Shadow Milk looked around the now too small room, looking for something, anything to fill the emptiness inside him. He wasn't trapped in the castle, but it sure as hell felt like he was.

Shadow Milk finally found what he needed: the locket, given to him by Mystic Flour before her descent to evil. It held a picture of him and his siblings—a happy memory, one that he cherished. The sight of the picture barely made him feel better, only fending off his thoughts for a moment.  Happy times never failed to make him feel better. They never failed to bring him despair after he remembers everything else.

It'd been years since he'd last done it. It brought him the relief he craved, the calm that he longed for. He spotted the shears on the bedside table, holding the locket tighter. No, he couldn't. Black Sapphire and Candy Apple still needed him to be there, physically and mentally. He couldn't do this to them. What would they think... what would Pure Vanilla think? 

Across the castle, Pure Vanilla Cookie was in his own room. He paced the room, shaking his head back and forth. Nothing in the past month had been good. He'd come back from Beast-Yeast only to be met with chaos. Countless ambassadors wanted his time, businesses were asking for funds, and the looming threat of Dark Enchantress Cookie was all pushed to the back of his mind. Pure Vanilla hadn't even thought about all of that until Shadow Milk decided to mess everything up.

He'd caused so much trouble, and dared to come back as he'd done nothing wrong. When that young cookie told him what was happening, Pure Vanilla almost snapped. He knew Shadow Milk was having trouble adjusting to such a new environment, but he didn't expect that. Anger is no excuse to hurt others, and nothing the jester would have swayed Pure Vanilla's decision. If he didn't give any kind of punishment, the castle workers would certainly think he'd gone soft on wrong-doers. Maybe they'd think he had a soft spot for Shadow Milk and wouldn't ever discipline him.

Lying on his bed, Pure Vanilla stared up at the ceiling. He hadn't bothered to wipe his tears as they still streamed down his face. At the very moment, he felt like his whole world was crashing down. The walls he'd meticulously built up had crumbled, letting his thoughts and feelings run rampant. An empty glass sat on the bedside table. It was tempting. Pure Vanilla grabbed it and held it tightly in his hands, contemplating whether he should throw it. Destroying it would give him some sort of release, wouldn't it?

No, no. Violence shouldn't be his first way of relieving his anger. Calming down and taking deep breaths, that's a better option. It's what he should do as a responsible leader. He couldn't be like Hollyberry Cookie and avoid his problems, nor could he solve them with destruction like Shadow Milk. Drinking his sorrows away would Pure Vanilla also can't act as though it's different from other cookies. In reality, he knows that he's the same as any other cookie, only he was placed on a pedestal.

He'd always been revered as some sort of godly figure, but that's not what he is. He became a leader of his own accord, and there are consequences to your actions. The Ancients had all been children once, they'd lived their own lives, they'd gained so much knowledge. Pure Vanilla had gained the Light of Truth but even then that doesn't make him all knowing. The pressure put on him by his citizens was immense and always kept him at a low point in life. Pushing the thoughts away always made them come back with full force, maybe harder.

His feelings continued to bubble up inside, ready to boil over when Pure Vanilla heard a scream. A scream full of pain, anguish, stress, and fear. It took him a moment to realize the strangled sound was coming from his own mouth. After his realization, the scream quickly devolved into sobs. Things truly couldn't get worse, but even while he thinks that... nothing can be for sure. Nothing in his life is for sure, not anymore. Not since he brought his beastly counterpart into his life.

With his feelings and thoughts closing in on him, Shadow Milk Pure Vanilla felt truly alone in the world.

Chapter Text

Shadow Milk had spent almost the full week sitting in his room. Pure Vanilla would've done the same if he didn't have other responsibilities. All the worker cookies could sense the lingering tension in the air, but they just couldn't pinpoint the source.

Pure Vanilla had decided to embrace his anger, turning it into motivation. Even though doing that made him feel better, he was worried. Yes, he told Shadow Milk to leave him alone and not to talk to him. It's just that Shadow Milk had spent so much time alone in his room.

"Ahem... Pure Vanilla Cookie?" A voice called out, interrupting his train of thought. "Ah, my apologies." He sat up in his chair, giving his full attention to the other cookie. "Is there something you need from me?" The other cookie, Cinnamon Cookie, cleared his throat once more. "Another maid and I were cleaning, we heard a few screams near your... guest's room." Cinnamon rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

A scraping sound came from the chair as Pure Vanilla quickly stood. He narrowed his eyes at the maid. "Screaming..." He walked out of the office before flashing Cinnamon Cookie a soft smile. "Do not worry. He should be fine." Heavy emphasis on should. Pure Vanilla knew of his tendencies, Black Sapphire Cookie had been gracious enough to tell him.

In his haste, it only took him 10 minutes to reach Shadow Milk's room. He knocked hesitantly on the door and waited for a response. Seconds ticked by as Pure Vanilla's worry only got worse and worse, the longer Shadow Milk didn't answer the door.

Click

Finally, the door swung open, revealing the disheveled form of Shadow Milk Cookie in all his tiredness. As soon as the door opened, Pure Vanilla grabbed his wrist. Realizing what the healer was trying to see, he quickly wrenched it away with a roll of his eyes. "I didn't do it."

Pure Vanilla let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Hm. I heard that you were screaming earlier. Are you alright?" He asked softly, raising an eyebrow at Shadow Milk. A beat of silence. More silence. Their eye contact lasted a bit too long, both glancing away as it became uncomfortable. 

"I suppose that's a no." Pure Vanilla sighed, dropping his hand to his side. He looked behind Shadow Milk and into his room. It looked a mess, things scattered around the floor. The bed was stripped bare and the bedsheets were covering the windows. The end goal must have been complete and utter darkness, considering the Vanilla Kingdom is quite bright. It does feel good to be surrounded by familiar things.

In the time they'd been staring at each other, the healer had noticed something. The empty look in Shadow Milk's eyes had disappeared the moment he saw that Pure Vanilla was at the door. It was almost like he was happy to see him. Or maybe the look was one of hatred, and in his worry, he mistook it for happiness. 

Shadow Milk shook his head as he went to close the door. "You didn't want to see me. Go away." At least, he tried to close the door. Pure Vanilla placed the foot of his staff in the crack between the doorframe, stopping it from closing. He pushed it back open, stepping inside to fully take in the destruction in the room.

Books, glass, paintings, and trinkets lay sprinkled on the floor. His staff and eyes failed him in the darkness of the room, forcing him to feel around for the bed. Finally, he located the bed and sat down, gesturing for Shadow Milk to sit with him. Reluctantly, Shadow Milk sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from the healer.

"I'm still incredibly angry with you." The jester visibly slouched, closing in on himself. "I haven't even received an apology." He glanced up at Pure Vanilla, eyes narrow. Of course, he hadn't come to check up on him. He only wanted a stupid apology. Shadow Milk had already followed the healer's instructions; why wasn't he forgiven yet?

A mumbled "Sorry..." fell from his lips as he tapped on his leg. Pure Vanilla smiled brightly, though the strain was evident. "Thank you." He whispered, placing a hand over the jester's. Shadow Milk's breath slightly hitched as such close, maybe even intimate contact with him hadn't been attempted in years.

Pure Vanilla scooted closer to the other, his smile growing smaller. "You can come out of your room now. My anger has lessened enough for me to no longer have a visceral reaction to mentions of you." The healer squeezed Shadow Milk's hand in a way meant to bring comfort, but it felt almost... painful. Shadow Milk withdrew his hand with a sigh. Pain. He clearly deserved it, considering what he's done.

"Vanilly, just leave." Shadow Milk snapped his fingers, and Pure Vanilla was jolted off the bed. The room quickly rearranged itself back to its original state. Books flew back into place, sheets and comforters were placed back on the bed, and the bedside table was cleaned. Once the cleaning was finished, Shadow Milk stared into the healer's eyes. "My well-being really shouldn't concern you."

A frown crossed the other's face after he heard those words. Any guest of his was his greatest priority, no matter how angry they made him. Though he'd love to try persuading the jester into accepting this small amount of forgiveness, it's a task he's not ready to complete. As requested, Pure Vanilla left the room with a sigh. Hopefully, now Shadow Milk will come out of his room.

Chapter Text

With the tension surrounding them, Shadow Milk hadn't played any tricks on Pure Vanilla. Maybe it's time to loosen up and play a little game. The only hard part is figuring out what game to play. There's hide and seek, but that's so basic. It gets boring having to be the seeker every single time you play, since a practically blind man can't exactly seek. 

Oh! Oh yes, Shadow Milk knew the perfect game to play! Two Truths and a Lie. He's quite the expert at sprinkling lies into truth, so it should be easy. The only thing that's left to do is find Pure Vanilla. It's about 5pm, so the healer should be bathing currently. Now, you might be thinking, "Isn't that an invasion of privacy?" It is, but it's not like Shadow Milk really cares. Invading privacy is his middle name, ya know.

"Oh, Nilly! Where are you?" He called out. It's useless, but annoying the castle workers is an added bonus. Pure Vanilla's room was easy to find now that Shadow Milk knew the whole layout of the castle. Big thanks to Maple Syrup Cookie for giving him a map, that cook really knew his way around the place.

Finally, he reached the bedroom. He still didn't know if the healer was still bathing or what, but it's time to find out. It's not like he'd complain about seeing Pure Vanilla's well-built body or his long, slim legs. He'd never. Anyway, Shadow Milk twisted the door handle and pushed it open. "Tada, guess who it is!"

Pure Vanilla looked up from his position on the bed. He sat there with only a towel on, having just left the shower. "Shadow Milk? What... What are you doing in here?" Grabbing a cover from the bed, he pulled it over himself. Yes, the jester had been living in the castle for about two or three months now. They certainly were nowhere near the level of being able to burst into someone's room unannounced.

"Ah." Shadow Milk cleared his throat, eyes flicking away from the other. This must be a test from the Witches. It has to be. He did not just walk in on Pure Vanilla Cookie preparing to change; there's just no way. "Well, I came here to play a little game!" He giggled, floating upside down in front of Pure Vanilla.

Three cards flew in from nowhere, settling in front of Pure Vanilla. "We are going to be playing Two Truths and a Lie! Doesn't that sound fun?" Shadow Milk didn't allow him to answer before continuing. "It does, I know. Anyways, let's get started." The cards flip over to reveal the supposed truths and lies.

Squinting, Pure Vanilla tried to read the text on the card. His sight wasn't the best, and his staff was leaning on the wall. The closest thing was the glasses on the bedside table. Putting them on, he tried again. "One, there's a plushie of myself somewhere in your room. Two, I'm younger than you as I am now. Three, I despise you greatly." He read aloud, scrunching his eyebrows.

The healer simply chuckled, thinking he knew the answer. "It must be two. You are older than all the Ancients combined." A soft, yet confident smile played on his lips. To his dismay, Shadow Milk quickly responded. "Nope!" he giggled, letting his eyes wander over Pure Vanilla's body shamelessly. It's not bad, he thought, maybe he could use a little meat on him.

"The body I'm in now was created shortly after I escaped from the Silver Tree." His happiness diminished slightly as he thought of his time in the tree. It'd been torture, his old body having deteriorated from the pain of his punishments. The new body was the best gift he'd ever been given. Shadow Milk sighed, shaking his head. "Choose another." 

He waited excitedly for the answer, unaware of the trap he'd set for himself. Pure Vanilla sat in silent thought. This game wasn't as bad as he thought. Shadow Milk clearly had a large amount of hatred set aside for him, but that plushie... It's in his room right now, sitting in a chair. That means...

"My, Shadow Milk... you don't hate me?" Pure Vanilla asked tentatively. What he didn't expect was the hitch of Shadow Milk's breath or the widening of his eyes. Finally, Shadow Milk stepped into the trap he'd laid for himself. There had to have been a better lie. It's nonsense! The Beast of Deceit, unable to create a convincing lie? If there were an audience watching him, they'd just laugh.

In direct contrast to Shadow Milk's anger and embarrassment, Pure Vanilla was elated. Knowing that his efforts to exert kindness and patience were not in vain truly made him happy. "There's no need to be embarrassed. I'm quite glad you're feeling more comfortable with me." The healer's voice was full of compassion and care. Care that Shadow Milk felt he didn't deserve.

The attempt to comfort Shadow Milk didn't do much, only making him feel worse. He felt betrayed by the cookie from a few moments ago. How could he not have realized the situation he was about to put himself in? It's nonsense. Complete and utter nonsense.

It's not hard to read someone when they're being so obvious with their emotions. Pure Vanilla noticed the clear discomfort and reached out from under the cover he'd grabbed. "Are you alright? You're not upset due to my win, are you?" Words meant to bring comfort only brought on more despair. 

Being vulnerable in any way always brought Shadow Milk misfortune. He couldn't bear to get attached to Pure Vanilla, so he distanced himself. Almost like slipping on a mask, his shocked face twisted into a smile. "Oh, Nilly. I don't want your comfort. I don't need your lies."

Pure Vanilla flinched back, scooting further onto the bed with a sigh. Conversations like this have been happening more and more often, Shadow Milk closing himself off and hiding away. It was disheartening, but he couldn't just give up. He'd do his best to get closer to Shadow Milk, no matter what pain it might cause the two of them.

A flurry of giggles filled the room, once again catching Pure Vanilla's attention. Shadow Milk was almost doubled over with laughter, now floating just above his head. After he caught his breath, he only sighed. "Pure Vanilla Cookie. I will never be your friend." He growled, opening a portal with the snap of his fingers and disappearing from the bathroom.

There was nothing he could've done to keep Shadow Milk in the room. Even with this knowledge, Pure Vanilla was saddened by the harsh words from the other. Still, denying the Truth, especially the harsh ones, constantly leads to worlds of pain.

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Chapter Text

No. 

No nononononono.

This can't be right.

Shadow Milk paced around, shaking his head constantly. There's no way he's having feelings like this. It's been so long since he last felt anything like it and he hated it. If there was a way to purge any feelings and become emotionless, Shadow Milk would do it in a heartbeat.

The Beasts are meant to hate their counterparts, so why is he even feeling this way? They'd be so angry if They knew about everything. Maybe They'd force him back into the tree for once again not following their planned-out life routine. Shadow Milk was meant to be a vessel, after all, not a true living and breathing cookie.

"It's just the closeness." Shadow Milk sighed, crossing his arms as he paced. "Close proximity could cause false feelings of attraction." He remembered a young cookie had once asked him a question. Was it normal to feel romantic feelings for a friend? Of course, he couldn't have left the poor girl wondering. The Fount had answered her question with another two.

"Is it love, or is it intense care for them? Is it romantic love at all?"

The advice he'd given the little cookie now applied to himself. It's only... care. Why would he care for Pure Vanilla? He hates him more than anything! Everything he'd worked so hard to build in Beast-Yeast was ruined by that stupid healer. Pure Vanilla had broken his trust first, so why couldn't Shadow Milk do it right back?

Maybe he'd merely grown attached to the healer, or it was his mind playing tricks on him. It's been happening recently, auditory and sometimes visual hallucinations. During the time of his isolation, he swore he heard Candy Apple Cookie calling out for him. She and Black Sapphire were still in his Other Realm, so it couldn't actually have been her.

Shadow Milk shook his head, sitting on the edge of the bed. He'll just ignore it. That always works, right? Riight. He did it in the Silver Tree and he'll do it again. As the Fount of Knowledge, he'd done it, it's more a part of his nature to lie to himself than to others.

The sun rose high in the sky, lighting up Shadow Milk's room. He lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. He hadn't eaten in days and his body felt so weak. Trying to sit up, he didn't notice his door swinging open. "Ah, hello... Mr. Shadow Milk Cookie?" A soft voice rang out. It's the maid from a few weeks ago, the one who interrupted him in the kitchen.

"What is it." Shadow Milk snapped, eyes roaming over the girl. She had a tray of food in one hand and a blanket in the other. "Uhm, Pure Vanilla Cookie asked me to bring you this. He saw you hadn't eaten in a while." The young cookie quickly placed the tray and blanket on the bed before exiting the room. Hmph hadn't even bothered to shut the door.

Picking up the tray, Shadow Milk took it all in. Cereal, eggs, a piece of toast, and a note. "Gonna assume the note's not edible." He opened the note and began to read.

"Shadow Milk Cookie, I apologize for causing that outburst. I only meant to ask you a question: Do you really hate me? An answer would be appreciated, but I'd never pressure you into answering. Please enjoy the meal I put together for you!"

Oh. A smile slowly crept onto Shadow Milk's face as he read. Once he finished, he caught the smile and stopped. Yeah, it's a sweet gesture and all, but he can't feel like that. Soon he began to eat, starting with the cereal and ending with the eggs. It took him less than 15 minutes to finish everything on the tray.

Not eating for so long certainly took a toll on him, even if he didn't truly need to. Oh, how he wished for his old body back. It wasn't as constricted by the normal needs of a cookie and it wasn't as weak. Now he could barely create a small replica of his spire. The room had been silent until a low growl filled the silence. Seems his stomach wasn't taking the food well.

Shadow Milk quickly got up and raced to the bathroom. He vomited all the food he'd only just eaten. Lying isn't good, ya know? In reality, Shadow Milk hadn't truly eaten in over a month.  Every meal was thrown up, and even small snacks didn't stay down. His years being starved in the Silver Tree must've taken a much larger toll on him than he'd thought.

His body didn't truly need the sustenance but he'd grown to crave it. The flavors distract him from the constant pain in his stomach. It distracts him from his feelings. The "love" he felt, never failed to reemerge from the vault he locked it in. He hated it. He hated himself for feeling that way. It's not something he should feel. No, no. It's not that he shouldn't feel that way. It's the thoughts and doubts that come along with it.

When he'd been a Virtue, there was one incident. It's certainly not isolated but it was the first time. The Fount had a fellow professor who he truly liked. To his dismay, that professor was already with someone. That knowledge almost pushed him over the edge, and he did what comforted him the most.

He cut his hair. Cut it so short that he was almost unrecognizable. His siblings were so worried that they forced him into taking a month break. Shadow Milk knew from experience how love rarely came easily and always led to despair. Pure Vanilla would never understand.

The shears still sat on the bedside table, blades sharp and new. Tempting him.

And it was oh so tempting.

Chapter Text

The sun was close to setting and Pure Vanilla was walking to Shadow Milk's room. He wanted to make him feel better, so he's taking the jester to the gardens tonight. The gardeners were nice enough to inform him of the evening primroses blooming tonight. Knock knock. "Shadow Milk, it's me." He murmured, hoping he was awake. It was late, so he might be asleep. That's what he thought before he heard some shuffling and a yawn. Hearing that gave Pure Vanilla a sense of relief. Shadow Milk's okay. He's not hurt.

The door opened and Shadow Milk stepped out. It seemed he hadn't gotten ready for bed yet. "what is it, Nilly?" he asked quietly, raising an eyebrow. "It's almost time for my sleep." Pure Vanilla only smiled and took his hand. Shadow Milk unconsciously gripped the healer's hand back, his mind betraying him. It was almost nice, until he got a hold of himself. He doesn't deserve to feel nice, to feel loved or cared about. He lost those privileges long ago.

He was led throughout the castle, passing by maids, diplomats, and cooks. It was the end of the day and most were probably going home to their families. People who loved them, who cared about them. Shadow Milk shook his head. No, he can't think about that right now. The healer is trying to cheer him up. To distract himself he looked at his surroundings. The castle looked quite different at night. It looked more comforting and calming than during the day. Shadow Milk admired the various sights he hadn't paid attention to before. "Where exactly are you taking me?" He inquired softly, focused on the things around him rather than where he was being taken.

"It's a special day, one that requires a special location," he replied with a slight smile. "I wouldn't want to spoil it for you." This surprise must be something he wants to stay a surprise. "Hmph, cryptic as always I see." Shadow Milk sight dramatically as he shook his head. Doesn't seem like he's gonna get any hints to what the healer had in store for him. It's fine, he'd see the surprise when the time came. 

The two cookies had finally arrived at the garden. Fireflies, butterflies, and moths fluttered around the open space. Four main paths converged into a gazebo in the middle. Vanilla orchids were scattered all around, though a small section was those primrose flowers that Pure Vanilla wanted to show Shadow Milk. Pure Vanilla led him directly into the gazebo and gestured out to the flowers. "I heard it's time for that section of flowers to bloom." He turned to face Shadow Milk with a content sigh. I've never seen it myself... and I'm glad I get to see it with you." 

Shadow Milk stared at the flowers with a raised eyebrow. The buds were still closed, and the plant itself looked less vibrant in comparison to the vanilla orchids nearby. They didn't look like they even belonged in the Vanilla Kingdom, yet it's thriving. Sort of like him. Is that why Pure Vanilla even brought him here? To remind him that he didn't truly belong and that he never would? There's no way that the healer doesn't have an ulterior motive for bringing him here. "When is it supposed to bloom?" He asked quietly, trailing off just as the blooming began.

They both stared in silence at the view. Those flowers bloomed one by one, opening into beautiful blossoms. It was something Shadow Milk had never seen in his long life. Yes, there were other flowers that bloomed at night, but as the Fount, he never traveled. This was something new... something amazing. In their awe, the pair had forgotten to stop holding hands. Pure Vanilla leaned on the railing to watch the scene in front of him play out. Shadow Milk did the same, putting them in much closer proximity than before.

Fireflies began fluttering around those flowers more, giving the garden a unique glow. It was quite the romantic atmosphere, adding to the increasing tension between them. Shadow Milk turned his head to the side. His face was so close to Pure Vanilla's that he could see the individual strands of hair falling over the healer's face. In the lighting of the night, he looked pretty. No, that's an understatement. Shadow Milk couldn't bear to know that he truly felt this, but to him, Pure Vanilla looked heavenly.

He quickly pulled away from Pure Vanilla, shaking his head. His mouth felt dry and his heart was racing. He can't be thinking like this. Why can't he suppress those thoughts like the others? As he kept thinking, more and more of his feelings bubbled up to the surface.  Pure Vanilla stared at him with something unreadable in his eyes. "Shadow Milk..." The healer reached out to cup his face. "Are you-" He was cut off as Shadow Milk pulled his hand away, staring with wide, unfocused eyes.

Just a few hours earlier he'd assured himself that he'd ignore the feelings. Why can't it stay away permanently? "If you'd like, we can head to my chambers." Pure Vanilla sighed, stepping away from the railing. "You don't look well." Great, now he's going back to the healer's room. Everything was overwhelming, and he didn't know if he could take much more. His mouth refused to form words, he could only follow behind Pure Vanilla.
________________________

The room was dark. Moonlight shone through the open balcony doors, glinting on something shiny. Shadow Milk stood in front of the doors, facing away from Pure Vanilla. The healer shut the door behind them, looking at Shadow Milk with concern. "Please talk to me, I'm getting worried." His voice cracked at the last word, and the sadness was evident. 

Pure Vanilla had worked so hard to build trust with Shadow Milk, yet even when something is clearly wrong, nothing is said. He can't do anything to help, he can't take the weight off his shoulders. Honestly he hated it, not knowing what's going on with Shadow Milk. Being forced to speak to cookies around Shadow Milk to get an idea of his destructive tendencies, he hated it more than anything.

Still, Shadow Milk didn't respond to Pure Vanilla's question. It was like he hadn't even heard him, like he wasn't even there. That made the healer try to get his attention once more. "Shadow Milk, please." Pure Vanilla placed a hand on the jester's shoulder. "What's going on, please tell me..." 

That's when he snapped.

"Why are you even worried?" Shadow Milk pulled away from the healer quickly, eyes wide and zeroed in on Pure Vanilla. "I hate you and I don't understand why you care so much. You've made me feel things I shouldn't, ruined my life by forgiving what I did to you." After every sentence he took in a heaving breath, feeling like he couldn't breathe. He clawed at his sides, curling in on himself. His stomach hurt... his chest hurt...

Pure Vanilla looked shocked before reaching out to him. "That's not it at all. I promise you." He trailed off as he watched Shadow Milk pull something out from behind his back. Something silver that glinted in the light of the moon.

Oh.

Oh no.

Shadow Milk grabbed his hair while holding the shears in his hand. A soft sob slipped from his lips as he fell to his knees. It was an almost familiar motion, the shears slicing through his hair. The pain that came along with it... it was more painful this time. His hair had become some sort of independent being and Shadow Milk had just killed it. It wasn't exactly painful at first. Then the shock passed. A scream pierced through the stunned silence, a blood-curdling, pained scream.

Pure Vanilla had never heard such a noise in his life. A part of him wishes he never had. He could only watch as the other cookie writhed in pain, unsure of what he should do. Shadow Milk hadn't told him what was wrong, he'd never let him know he wasn't okay. This was how Pure Vanilla was forced to find out. The aftermath of a breakdown, during the most painful time in his life. Seconds, then minutes passed, and the scream fell into devastated sobs.

"Oh, Witches..." Shadow Milk ran a hand through his remaining hair, shaking his head. "I can't see. I can't fucking see."

"Pure Vanilla Cookie, I can't fucking see."

Chapter Text

At the mention of his name, Pure Vanilla took that as an invitation to get closer. He knelt down next to Shadow Milk, lifting up his chin. Tears were rolling down the jester's face as he sobbed, his gaze unfocused. "Where are you? Nilla, where are you?" Shadow Milk frantically grabbed at the healer's arm, desperate for anything to hold onto. Pure Vanilla placed a hand over his, holding it tightly. He examined Shadow Milk's eyes the best he could, not finding anything out of the ordinary. The problem wasn't in his given eyes...

The hair, on the other hand, was a different story. Where there should be eyes, there are only faded navy streaks in Shadow Milk's hair. So that's what he'd done. His hair had been his eyes for the longest time, so cutting it off was like blinding him. Perhaps his descent to beasthood had caused the change, unknowingly making him reliant on his hair for sight. "I'm sorry." Shadow Milk whispered, staring at the floor. Pure Vanilla pulled him into a hug, shaking his head. "You did nothing wrong. There's nothing to apologize for." He mumbled into the other's hair as he held him tightly.

Life will certainly be different for Shadow Milk. The other four times he'd done it, he hadn't gone blind. Maybe that's because back then he wasn't blinded by his own lies. Back then, his hair just grew back. This time... it doesn't feel like that's going to happen. "I know you're hurting, Shadow Milk." Pure Vanilla whispered. "You might not like it, but I'm moving you to my bed, okay?" Gently, he placed his arms under the jester, lifting him from the ground. A groan of pain left Shadow Milk as he was placed on the bed. 

The best Pure Vanilla could do for now is to dull the pain. It'd been a while since he'd used his healing magic like this. His time as Healer Cookie was the last he remembered numbing another's pain. Shadow Milk shouldn't have any qualms about him doing this without permission. Shadow Milk curled into himself, his breathing slowly but surely evening out. Pure Vanilla stared at his sleeping form. He's in such a deep sleep now, so the healing must have helped him rest. Pure Vanilla leaned down, placing a soft kiss over the mark on Shadow Milk's eye. "Sleep well, bluebird." 

Once the healer left the room, Shadow Milk's eyes shot open. It seems he wasn't in such a deep sleep after all.

Sunlight streamed through the windows, bustling chatter from the square rising up to the room. On the bed lie Shadow Milk Cookie, still resting after his... breakdown last night. He'd slept well after finally getting over that kiss from last night. The closing of a nearby door suddenly roused him from sleep. Slowly he opened his eyes, surprised to only be able to see darkness. He sat up, turning his head from side to side yet he still couldn't see. Panic filled his mind, his breathing beginning to quicken. His hands went to run through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down. That's when he remembered. The garden, the shears, his hair. A sharp laugh pierced the silence of the bedroom as he truly took in what he'd done.

Once again, his impulses put him in a worse situation than before. Mystic Flour had told him there were much better-coping mechanisms, but no. He hadn't listened and disregarded her concern. As the Fount of Knowledge, he thought he knew anything about everything. There was just no way a Virtue like him didn't know of the possible ways to cope. He'd always been stubborn, nothing anyone told him crossed his mind again. At least the things he deemed unimportant, and he deemed many things to be of low importance. It's a flaw that only now he wished he resolved earlier in life.

A creak came from the left and Shadow Milk quickly turned to face whoever it was. "You're awake." Pure Vanilla gasped, rushing to the edge of the bed. "Is anything hurting? I can soothe the pain before I leave." It's just him being concerned. Again. He'd forgotten that he'd been in Pure Vanilla Cookie's room last night. His own room would've been preferred since he disliked his thoughts being interrupted. "I thought I told you that I don't want it. Your worry." Shadow Milk snapped, lying back down on his side. Nothing's in pain, at least that's what he thought until his head hit the pillow. "Ow." He hissed, sitting up immediately.

A soft chuckle came from his left side, causing a little blush to color his cheeks. "Where does it hurt, Shadow Milk?" Shadow Milk pointed to his head. The whole thing felt sore like your legs might feel after a long run. A warm feeling enveloped him as the pain began to fade away. "There..." Pure Vanilla smiled softly, placing a soft hand on the jester's cheek. "My duties today are plentiful, so you'll be alone in here, okay?" He glanced at Shadow Milk's hair with sadness in his eyes. He's sure that he missed his hair, his sight. It's not something you can easily be used to unless you were born with it, like Pure Vanilla.

Shadow Milk flinched at Pure Vanilla's touch, nodding hesitantly. Such gentleness... it's not something he's used to. He'll never get used to it, and he shouldn't. After everything he's done, it's not like he deserves it. Noticing the flinch, the healer pulled his hand away. Pure Vanilla stood from the bed, walking to the doorway before opening the door. He stared at Shadow Milk a little longer, watching for something. "Shadow Milk, I l-" he paused, a sigh escaping his lips. "I'll be back." The door closes behind him, leaving the jester alone in the room. 

Honestly, he didn't want to be alone. There's nothing worse than being alone, especially after what pain it caused him. No one's going to come into the room for a while. Maybe he could entertain himself. "This should be it." Shadow Milk summoned the two tarot cards that contained his closest friends minions. Tossing them to the floor, he called their names. "Sapphire, Candy. I'm alone. Come out."

Chapter Text

The tarot cards on the floor flashed white, the drawings on them disappearing. His two minions appeared in front of the bed, looking slightly disoriented. Once they got their bearings, a high-pitched squeal left the younger cookie. "Kyaaa! Master Shadow Milk Cookie!" Candy Apple Cookie jumped onto the bed, pulling him into a hug. "It's been a while, sir." Black Sapphire stood on his left, watching his sister practically strangle Shadow Milk. He let Candy Apple hug him for a little bit, but it eventually got to be too much. It was a struggle, but the jester managed to untangle their limbs and wrestle her off of him.

The siblings began talking over each other, trying to get Shadow Milk's attention. Candy Apple was trying to tell him what he missed while Black Sapphire attempted to get her to calm down. They eventually began to quarrel, not truly paying attention to the other cookie at all. It used to be a constant thing in the spire, the arguments. Shadow Milk sighed, shaking his head. He clapped his hands to get their attention once more. 

Not being able to pinpoint their exact location, Shadow Milk stared down at his lap. "There's a reason I call you two out." He shifted uncomfortably, trying to find words to explain his current predicament. "If you haven't noticed yet, my hair is much shorter than the last you saw me." A pause, and then a gasp left the two cookies as they finally noticed what had been missing. Black Sapphire narrowed his eyes at Shadow Milk, crossing his arms over his chest. "I... you did it again?" He shook his head, his voice wavering. "You promised to tell us if you weren't doing well." Candy Apple also crossed her arms with a scoff, shaking her head.  Guilt and shame washed over Shadow Milk, realizing he must've broken their trust. 

"I'm sorry, you know it's hard for me to reach out to you-" Candy Apple cut him off, grabbing his face and pulling it in her direction. "Why aren't you looking at us when you're talking? You can't be that shameful." Shit. They hadn't realized he was blinded now. It'd never happened before, so what reason would they have to suspect he was? Clearing his throat, he began to think about his words. Shadow Milk, unlike his truthful counterpart, had trouble sugarcoating things. So when he finally spoke, his voice was flat and his delivery blunt. "I'm blind now, Candy Apple. I don't know where you are."

The two cookie's eyes widened as that tidbit of information was dropped on them. A loud shriek of surprise pierced the air as Candy Apple started raging at Shadow Milk. "Master Shadow Milk Cookie, you cut your hair and now you're blind? What's next, you're gonna tell us 'I'm deaf' or something?" She stamped her foot with a groan of frustration, Black Sapphire patting her back. "Though her wording was... interesting, she's right. You can't drop all of this on us after radio silence for over two months." The jester sighed, pulling his legs up to his chest. "Well, is there anything I can do? Ya know, to make it up to you." Silence. The two siblings stared at their master in shock. Shadow Milk never took accountability, nor did he ever try to make amends. Something incredible must've happened during his time in the Vanilla Kingdom to make such a drastic change to his personality.

"Oh my Witches, what happened to the Shadow Milk Cookie I knew and loved?" Candy Apple sighed dramatically, drawing a laugh from Black Sapphire and Shadow Milk. The dramatics were something Shadow Milk had gotten used to, maybe even something he looked forward to. It made him wonder how the two passed their time in their cards. Did they talk to themselves? Did they somehow communicate with each other? Black Sapphire Cookie snapped him out of it by speaking. "I agree with Candy Apple. You've missed quite a lot, master. Wouldn't it be nice to catch up a little?" 

So, catch up they did.

They played go fish, basic yes, but fun nonetheless. Board games such as Cookieland, the only game Candy Apple won without cheating. Verbal games weren't played, but they were definitely suggested. Black Sapphire proposed they play Two Truths and a Lie, but Shadow Milk quickly shut that down. He'd already had a bad experience with that game, it'd be bad to let another secret slip. Candy Apple Cookie, being the sore loser she was, constantly threw tantrums each time she lost. Black Sapphire calmed her after each one, shaking his head in mock disappointment. It almost felt like things were back to normal. Like Black Sapphire would come back and share the rumors he'd heard and Candy Apple would rave on and on about the trouble she'd caused in the Faerie Kingdom. Like the spire hadn't collapsed and the two hadn't been stuck in the tarot cards for so long. 

At some point, the games and constant tantrums got boring. So to bring up the mood, Black Sapphire began telling the other two about the rumors from all around Earthbread in depth. Apparently, Golden Cheese Cookie has been making trips to visit White Lily Cookie in the Faerie Kingdom. He's really excited to hear more about that one. Another rumor Black Sapphire liked the most was how Wildberry Cookie was supposedly making trips to the Cacao Kingdom. The reason why still wasn't clear, but his sources should find out soon enough. His sources you ask? Well, Silverbell and Caramel Arrow were very easy to get information out of.

Candy Apple chimed in now and then with her information, along with comments like, "No, she didn't!" or "You've gotta be kidding me?" She told her own stories from the Faerie Kingdom, like their rebuilding efforts and the constant celebrations they had. Her excitement to tell Shadow Milk everything he'd missed out on... it's cute honestly. Her expressions, her smile, it must be wonderful to see. If only Shadow Milk could see it. The siblings must have changed a little bit after their time in the tarot cards. It pained him greatly, being unable to see how they've adjusted... how they've accepted his betrayal.

Afterwards, even mundane topics were brought up. Things like what they'd done to ward off boredom, what's been going on in their lives, etc. Shadow Milk didn't mind though. Before he'd been taken to the Vanilla Kingdom, he never took the time to really learn about his minions. The most he knew then were their likes, dislikes, and names. Maybe it disappointed them when he never asked about their lives outside of him and his tasks. Now that his perspective was changed, he wanted to make an effort to know their stories. The way Candy Apple passionately spoke about her day, her tone of voice was just so excited. Black Sapphire... when he dropped the TV personality, you could tell his genuine interest in what he learned on the job.
_______
 
Time had passed quickly and night was now approaching. Pure Vanilla Cookie would surely be panicked if he saw two random cookies in his bedchambers. The jester hadn't bothered letting him know the siblings were there. That meant cutting their reunion off before they were ready to say goodbye. Shadow Milk hugged the two siblings tightly, shedding a few tears as he did. There's no telling when they'd be able to see each other again, but none of them mentioned it. It was better to just not think about it at all. They left, deciding not to go back into the tarot card. Their existence in those cards felt almost pointless. 

Once they were gone, Shadow Milk didn't feel as though there was anything left to do. The two cookies who made him the happiest, who made him whole, are gone. They kept his thoughts at bay, they kept him occupied. He only lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. To be completely honest, he wanted his hair back. He wanted something to twirl, something to hold, something to feel. Now it rested at his shoulders, much too short for his liking. But if he wanted to change things, he would have to go back in time. Going back in time is almost impossible with the amount of magic he had left in his system.

Maybe it's time to sleep now. Sleeping sounds good, maybe it'll make him stop thinking for a while. At least that's what he thought when he heard the door to the room swing open. Sitting up, Shadow Milk watched as Pure Vanilla entered and slammed the door behind him. The loud sound made him flinch, surprised that the healer actually slammed a door. The out-of-character action prompted Shadow Milk to respond. "Hm. Seems someone had a bad day of work." He teased, a sleepy smile playing on his lips. Pure Vanilla barely glanced at him as he began to prepare for bed. Shadow Milk, disappointed as he didn't get a response, spoke again. "You're just gonna ignore me?" 

"I'm clearly not in a good mood." Pure Vanilla hissed. "Do not. Antagonize me." The jester's eyes widened, not expecting that level of harshness to come from him. Still, he listened, not bothering him any longer. The healer undressed down to his underclothes, brushed his teeth, and sat on the edge of the bed. "Whether you like it or not, I'm sleeping in my own bed tonight. I need it." He pulled himself under the covers with a deep sigh. Being a king is not for the weak. Right now, Pure Vanilla felt like the weakest cookie on Earthbread.  Nothing he ever did for the kingdom mattered, they always want more. It's like he's just a placemat for them to walk over into what they really want. Of course, Pure Vanilla isn't going to open up about his feelings or his emotions. Seems hypocritical to think that way, but he simply doesn't want to be a burden. His bluebird was already hurt enough.

The sudden closeness of the two sort of flustered the jester, causing him to blush slightly. For sure tomorrow night will be spent in his bed. Shadow Milk blinked, turning himself to face Pure Vanilla. "V'Nilla..." Shadow Milk whispered before he began to drift off. A sharp "Hush" silenced him, and just like that morning, a warmth enveloped him. The calming feeling drew him closer and closer to sleep, his eyelids drooping before finally shutting. Once his breathing evened, Pure Vanilla let out a muted sigh. Sleeping in the same bed as Shadow Milk hadn't been in his plans tonight, but he wasn't going to kick him out of his bed. Pure Vanilla truly couldn't figure out why he'd even slipped into bed with the jester, he just didn't want to sleep alone. 

And in all honesty, Shadow Milk didn't want to be alone either.

Chapter Text

The morning sun rose, basking the room in gentle sunlight. Soft chatter from the square could be heard, and birds chirped from outside the windows. The bed, holding two people, was filled with plush covers and pillows that would make you feel well-rested. Right now, Pure Vanilla felt anything but that. He had tossed and turned, had nightmares, and caught himself getting too close to Shadow Milk. With a tired sigh, he sat up. He had work today. Again. Time to go through the basic motions of waking up once more.

He gets out of bed, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table. His staff is mostly used for professional occasions, there's no reason to use it in his room. Pure Vanilla opened the closet, grabbing a wash and drying towel as he went into the bathroom. He bathed, and once he finished, he began using his fingers to detangle his hair. It's always best to look prepared. To look ready. The next step was his clothes. The closet also held his underclothes, his normal robes, and the robes he'd received during his awakening. Like every day, he settled with the normal robes. His Compassionate Robes are only worn during major meetings with important figures. Today is just paperwork. Like always.

Then, Pure Vanilla got his staff. It was routine to clean it, yet last night he'd forgotten in his haste to get in bed. This meant that his meticulously prepared schedule was thrown off. Just another thing in life that went wrong. Taking a cloth, he began wiping the whole thing down, delicately wiping the top. Once he was sure all the dust was cleaned off, Pure Vanilla took his glasses off. Now he was ready to go out into the world. At least, ready to go into his office.

Unbeknownst to him, Shadow Milk had woken up during his daily preparation due to all the noise. His hearing had been heightened a bit since his sight was gone. He felt and heard Pure Vanilla's silent cursing, his deep and tired sighs, and the glances he gave to the "sleeping" body of the jester. When he saw the other was about to leave, he abruptly sat up and spoke. "Wow. Not even a goodbye?" He teased, a yawn almost interrupting him. The healer turned around, clearly surprised by Shadow Milk actually being awake.

"Ahem. Good morning, bluebird." Pure Vanilla recited, letting the now familiar words fall from his lips. "I can't stay long, I'm already late." He rushed out of the room without even saying goodbye. Shadow Milk opened his mouth before he was cut off by the door closing. That's fine, he'll just... go back to his room then. Using a small amount of magic, he opened a portal to his room. It's time he slept better in his room.

It's time for the day to start. The first thing to do was to... do paperwork. Stacks and stacks of paperwork, all of which he put off for future him. Pure Vanilla sat at his desk, pulling the most important few papers in front of him. Ah yes, the imports and exports to and from the Vanilla Kingdom. It's complicated, and he's never truly understood it. The different products and goods they sold to each other were mundane.

Jellybeans, axes, and cotton candy were the main exports that were bought the most in the Creme Republic. Of course, the berry juice from the Hollyberry Kingdom is the most bought import to this kingdom. There's nothing much that Pure Vanilla could do other than mark off checkboxes and rewrite numbers. It only took him 5 minutes to finish the first 5 pages. Now he's only left with two stacks of different types of paperwork. Expenses, requests, complaints, and more. Maybe he should check on the complaints. He wants his kingdom to prosper, not fall. He wouldn't want to have his kingdom end up like Golden Cheese's.

The requests were quite easy to get through, he simply needed to stamp in the yes or no boxes. There were a few meetings with Creme Republic diplomats, which he immediately denied. He's learned his lesson, those meetings would be handled by someone else. Some were harder to decide whether to approve while others were just absurd. In fact, they were so absurd he even approved a few of them. Pure Vanilla had more fun looking through the requests until he reached for another and felt nothing there. Now came the boring part. Expenses. Food, water, and wages were the easiest since those rarely changed. Next came the repairs on the roads, buildings, and landmarks, the few things that cost more than usual this time. Shadow Milk is certainly a handful... Finally came the travel and accommodations for diplomats coming to and from his kingdom. Even though his ambassadors rarely left the kingdom, the same couldn't be said about the other nations. Even though Pure Vanilla was stressing about the expenses, it's not truly financial. The Vanilla Kingdom was nowhere near being short on money, it's just all the budgeting and loaning money was complicated.

The first complaint read as follows. "Recently, there have been many robberies at multiple bakeries. Some of them have had repeat robberies, one having had 3 in the recent month. Please, Pure Vanilla Cookie, you must help us!" An easy fix. He'll have Black Raisin go out with a few guards, interview the victims, and create a sketch of the supposed robber. She should get a message from him soon. The birds here were really helpful, more specifically her crows. They were great for sending messages. Wait, he's getting sidetracked. Focus on the paperwork, finish what you've put off for so long.

Another complaint, then another, 3 more, and then 5 more... "Pure Vanilla Cookie!" A voice rang out as the door to his office slammed open. Pure Vanilla jumped at the sudden noise, quickly looking up at the door. "Y-yes? Is there something you need?" He asked, standing slightly from his seat. The cookie calling his name was one he recognized. That maid girl, oh what was her name... Cream Cone Cookie, or CeeCee. "It's Mrs. White Lily Cookie! She's here!" Oh goodness, no. She can't be here.

"CeeCee, please tell me you are not being serious." Pure Vanilla almost prayed she was joking, but when she nodded her head, his heart dropped. "Oh my Witches, you have to be fucking kidding." The young maid gasped, her hands flying to her mouth. Seeing her employer curse wasn't something she thought she'd ever hear or witness. A part of her wishes she didn't because now, his pristine and perfect image was slightly tainted by the curse word. "I... I apologize for my language. Please, escort me to her." He walked around his desk, leaning heavily on his staff. For the first time in a while, he truly felt his age.

They reached the front of the castle fairly quick, CeeCee helping him get there faster. Once she'd successfully escorted him, she scurried off. That left Pure Vanilla to greet his old friend. "White Lily Cookie. It's... been a while." He started, trying to ease the tension. Silence for a moment, then she spoke. "I apologize for this visit being so abrupt, but I promise it will be short." White Lily smiled lightly, opening her arms for a hug. The healer quickly wrapped his arms around her, relaxing into the embrace. She smelled just the same as when they were younger. Sweet, yet spicy at the same time. 

"I wanted to visit you but the Faerie Kingdom kept me occupied." She began, pulling away slightly. Pure Vanilla smiled wide, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. He was about to place a kiss on her cheek when he noticed her dough was much paler than normal. "Lily, have you been eating well?" She sighed, a hesitant and sad smile on her lips. "If you didn't notice... this isn't truly me. It's merely a shell." At the mention of a shell, Pure Vanilla's eyes widened with worry as he was reminded of what she used to be. A mere shell of who she used to be, stuck in that coffin without a soul. Clearly, White Lily noticed his worry and shook her head. "It's not the same as it used to be, Pure Vanilla. I promise." He still was not soothed by her words, it only made his ever-growing burden get heavier.

A shiver ran through the shell's body, signaling someone calling her. That wasn't known to Pure Vanilla just yet, but he'd be told one day. Once the shiver ran through her "body", White Lily Cookie brushed a hand over Pure Vanilla's cheek. "I must leave now." "What?" Pure Vanilla held onto her tighter, his hands digging into her clothes. "No, no. Please don't go yet. We have not even had time to catch up or talk with each other." Even as he protested, he felt the life draining out of the shell. It slowly began to dissolve, that soft smile still frozen on her face. As the shell disintegrated into its ingredients, a single tear streamed down Pure Vanilla's cheek. He'd barely gotten to talk with her, not even five minutes. It's like she didn't really care about how he felt without her, how he'd felt not knowing where or how she was for so long. Now he had to go back to work even with this new burden on his shoulders. 

His walk through the castle halls was somber and silent. Any cookie who passed him by was sure to not bother or make too much noise. It was clear Pure Vanilla's mood was at a very low point, a rare thing for their king. In his head, the gears were turning in all the wrong ways, forcing him to think about everything he didn't want to remember. It's like everyone came into his life, dumped something onto him, then left. He felt like a trashcan at this point.

Pure Vanilla didn't bother to enter his office, he knew one of the assistants had scheduled him for a meeting without his knowledge. It happened so often that it was almost a part of his routine. Entering the meeting room, he sat at the head of the table as he waited for the other diplomat to walk in. It took fifteen minutes, and then they walked it. It was no one remarkable, just a cookie from the Hollyberry Kingdom who was asking about possible trade routes with a stop at his kingdom. Maybe it was improper, but in all honesty, Pure Vanilla hadn't really thought deeply about what the diplomat was saying. He just nodded along and made sounds of agreement when needed. The meeting ended just as quickly as it started, in 45 minutes.

It was later. Dinner time, actually. Even though his stomach was clawing at him, begging him to eat, he didn't. It was his punishment for not being good enough, that is how he rationalized it. Yes, he forgot at first, but he'd remembered and decided not to go and eat lunch. Hopefully, he wouldn't collapse like last time, that had been very worrying for the staff. He went to his room and opened the door. "Shadow Milk, I'm back-" He cut himself off when he looked in the bed and saw no one around. He's not here. Panic began to rise in his chest, his breathing growing slightly faster. Did he go back to his room, is he in another place in the castle, did he exit the castle? He was so worried, and nothing he tried would calm him down. In his panic, the back of his mind continued to create new thoughts. One bubbled higher above the rest, almost getting to the forefront of his mind. Why is it he cared so much about Shadow Milk Cookie and his safety?

That wasn't a question to be answered now, only now could he frantically search the room for anything. That's when he glanced to the side of the bed. Lingering magic rested on the floor. The residue was a clear sign Shadow Milk had left his room. Had left him. Maybe they weren't as close as he thought, maybe he hadn't been comfortable sleeping in the same bed as him last night. There were a lot of maybes and zero for sures in this situation, causing Pure Vanilla much more stress than it should have. He should calm down, but he couldn't. Calming down isn't what his body wanted. His body wanted Shadow Milk near him, but mostly... it wanted food. But he's not giving into it, he must remain resilient. For his people, for his friends... for Shadow Milk too. 

Chapter Text

 Shadow Milk laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. It's getting late and he still hasn't managed to fall asleep. Today had been eventful, he'd actually gone to eat lunch today. He's proud of himself for that. Being alone in his room for so long... it's not good for him. While he's been lying in bed, he's been thinking. Why was he always thinking about Pure Vanilla, why was he having these feelings towards him? Maybe it's time to be more harsh towards the healer, to make him feel just as worthless as before.

He'd clearly grown to care for him to an extent. It's unhealthy, they're complete opposites! Whatever Pure Vanilla felt towards him must be misguided. Shadow Milk blinked, sighing deeply. Nothing he did to dissuade the healer from getting closer worked. He just kept trying and it was having an affect on him. A negative one, at least an effect that he really just wanted to ignore.

As he thought of the basic lying and deceiving, it made him relax slightly.  Just as his eyes fluttered shut, his room door slammed open. "Shadow Milk!" Pure Vanilla stood in the doorway, eyes wide and frantic. His chest heaved as he scanned the room until he finally locked eyes with the jester. A shuddering sigh slipped from his lips when he saw Shadow Milk was alright. Pure Vanilla began stumbling to the bed, a hysterical smile spreading on his face. "You're okay... I'm so glad you're.." He trailed off, suddenly going quiet. He began to sway slightly, his hand reaching out for the edge of the bed. Shadow Milk couldn't see him, but realized the healer stopped talking. "Pure Vanilla? What is wrong with you! I could've been changing, or getting out of the shower-" A loud thump cut him off, a sound that couldn't be mistaken. Someone had fallen and there was only one person who was standing in the room. "Nilla?" Nothing. "Pure Vanilla?" His voice was strained, the worry in it evident. When Pure Vanilla still didn't answer, he almost started tearing up. "Oh Witches, what happened?" The jester scrambled off the bed, landing on the floor. He felt around for what felt like an eternity before he found soft robes. 

Great. Just fucking great. Whenever he was about to relax, his idiotic other half had to ruin it for him. First he'd gotten mad cause Shadow Milk was embracing his nature, now he's collapsing in his room while he's blind. The jester got to his feet with a sigh. It's not like he's going to leave Pure Vanilla on the floor, even if he hates him. He does hate him, don't get me wrong. He just doesn't think leaving the healer is ethical, and he's left his unethical methods behind. Well, some of them. 

Resting allowed him to regain the magic he'd used earlier, so he decided to use it. Lifting the healer up from the ground, Shadow Milk floated him over to the bed. Once Pure Vanilla was resting on the mattress, Shadow Milk smirked. Pure Vanilla was at his mercy. He could do anything to him, like take his souljam or curse him. But even as he had these thoughts, he hesitated. Deep in his heart, a small part of him couldn't bear to cause any more pain to Pure Vanilla Cookie. He'd already done so much yet the healer still forgave him. Took him in and is trying his best to rehabilitate him. Pure Vanilla didn't deserve whatever Shadow Milk felt as though he wanted to do to him. Especially not when he's fainted due to unknown reasons. Now that's he's really thinking, the healer fainting is very concerning. Nothing Shadow Milk had observed over the past few months gave him the impression Pure Vanilla was ill or had some underlying condition.

Wait, had he seen Pure Vanilla eat? He barely saw him during lunch or dinner time, and when he did the healer didn't even touch his food. Of course, he passed it off as not being hungry but Shadow Milk never really believed him. You can't hide much from the Beast of Deceit, he can spot a lie faster than anything. It's just Shadow Milk didn't act on his suspicions when he should've. Confrontation had stopped being his thing when the last one stripped him of most of his power. Thinking about confronting Pure Vanilla specifically brought him a lot of stress that he wasn't ready to process yet. Now that decision cost him something he wished it didn't. Pure Vanilla was hurting, he fainted. He collapsed on his floor and Shadow Milk wasn't able to see the signs. 

Shadow Milk sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his legs up onto the mattress. A thought shifted to the front of his mind, one that made him blush. If Pure Vanilla woke up... there'd be no amount of explaining that would explain what he was about to do. He shifted his body so he was situated on top of the healer, knees on either side of him. Leaning down, his hand found Pure Vanilla's cheek, his thumb brushing against it. If Shadow Milk were to see it, the healer's face should look serene. It has to look calm, enveloped in whatever is going on behind those closed eyes. His beautiful face, in his hand. He could feel it but he can't look at it. Shadow Milk couldn't admire the amazing, handsome face he used to hate. The face that kissed him goodnight, the face that he'd grown used to, the face that lovingly called him bluebird. Due to his own idiotic thoughts, he couldn't see the face he loves.

It's been an hour and nine minutes since Pure Vanilla had collapsed. An hour much too long. Shadow Milk had started over thinking 30 minutes in, wondering if the healer was even going to wake up that night. His endless amount of knowledge wasn't helpful when he thought of how people could faint... then never wake up again. It's worrying beyond imagination. 

Shadow Milk had moved to lie beside the healer and wait for movement. He'd done his best to make him comfortable, even tucking him in. Time felt like it was moving so slow, every minute felt like hours, and an hour felt like days. Another painstakingly slow five minutes went by until he felt the bed shift. His eyes shot open out of instinct as he sat up. "Sh... Shadow Milk?" Pure Vanilla's voice could barely be heard, the soft whisper piercing through the jester's chaotic mind. Shadow Milk grabbed his hand from under the covers with a smirk. "You're up." He reached to the bedside table where a tray of food and water sat. He'd called for it once he realized Pure Vanilla wasn't going to be waking up anytime soon. "Here, you need to drink water and eat some food." 

Pure Vanilla stared at the tray that was placed in front of him with wide eyes. "What... what happened? All I remember is coming in here then... nothing." He sighed, shaking his head. Picking up the fork, the healer began picking at the food. Shadow Milk didn't hear him eating, and scrunched his eyebrows. "V'Nilla, you fainted." A stifling silence fell between the two, the only sound being their breathing. "I what." Pure Vanilla stared at Shadow Milk with narrowed eyes, his fork pausing in the food. "I couldn't have, I fucking couldn't have." His tone of voice shocked the jester, but he didn't let that dissuade him. It's not something that could be avoided anymore, confrontation just has to happen now. It has to.

Another pause before Shadow Milk began to speak. "Listen, Pure Vanilla. You haven't been eating, have you?" Shadow Milk pressed, tilting his head in question. "Breakfast, lunch, dinner, you just don't eat. Each time I asked you if you were okay, you just said 'Oh, I'm not hungry.'" He waited impatiently for an answer, but it didn't come when he wanted it. It seems the healer didn't want to admit what had been going on. "Nilla-" Shadow Milk was going to press on before he heard Pure Vanilla start eating. His shoulders relaxed slightly, not knowing that he was so tense about this. 

Pure Vanilla swallowed the food he was eating before he finally spoke. "I apologize. I just didn't want you to have more pressure on you. You've already had so much going on in your life, my troubles would've been a burden to you." Shadow Milk shook his head, rolling his eyes. Hah, a burden? He's taken on almost all the knowledge in the world, and Pure Vanilla thinks his problems would be a burden? It's almost funny if you discount the fact he'd fainted due to his own destructive tendencies. The healer continued eating, most likely not because he wanted to, but because he didn't want to keep talking about it. That's fine, there's other ways he'll help Pure Vanilla. Or at least figure out what's wrong with him. Now, the ways he's thinking of aren't exactly ethical... or appropriate.

One bite after another the healer continued eating. Having not eaten in such a long time, his stomach was quickly getting upset. Once he finally reached his limit, Pure Vanilla set the tray aside. Shadow Milk felt the bed shift as he laid down and got comfortable. That's it. Time to put his plan into motion. "Nilla. How thin are you?" Silence. "Come on, I let you check me that one time." A sigh, and a shake of his head. "I'm gonna do it myself, Pure Vanilla." More of nothing. His worry was growing by the second and because of it, he was beginning to overthink a lot of things. Once again, his almost limitless knowledge was hurting him. Yet it also came in handy. Clearly Pure Vanilla had some type of eating disorder. Maybe he has ARFID. It's possible, but it's not for him to diagnose yet. Perfect. Now he can make good his threat. 

Comfortable silence had fallen between them as they both relaxed. He wanted Pure Vanilla to relax, so he wouldn't expect him to act on his words. 10 minutes. Just the right amount of time. Shadow Milk grabbed around till he found Pure Vanilla's leg, squeezing it gently. There he was... He pulled himself onto all fours, crawling on top of the healer. Continuing to feel around, he found the bottom of his robes before pulling them up. A sharp inhale came from Pure Vanilla, getting a "hush" from the jester. "I'm just checking you out..." Shadow Milk muttered as he managed to push up his undershirt. "There we go." His hands trailed up and down the healer's midsection, pressing down each time he felt he should. He could feel Pure Vanilla's ribs, not the regular amount, no. This man is abnormally thin, and it greatly concerned Shadow Milk. "Mmph..."

That... that sound snapped Shadow Milk out of his determination, drawing his attention to Pure Vanilla's reactions. He moved his hands experimentally, and another sound fell from the healer's lips. Again, another sound. Hm, interesting. Was he in pain or what? Nothing but pain and pleasure brought such sounds from another... Oh Witches. Shadow Milk yanked his hands away as if he were burned, blush rising up his cheeks. He'd forgotten that his other half is much more sensitive than him, especially around his middle. "Ahem..." He slipped off Pure Vanilla, running a hand through his short hair. "I-I'm sorry. I got caught up in checking your weight that I didn't notice."

"It's okay?" The way Pure Vanilla said that sounded like a question, but that was mostly because he was confused. He'd forgotten Shadow Milk's words from earlier and hadn't bothered to remember them. Now he knew his true intentions, but a small part of him still wished it was the alternative. Wished it was what he thought it was at first. "I understand you're worried, just please don't come onto me like that." 

More silence between them, this one more strained. There was a lot of tension and neither of them wanted to figure out what kind of tension it really is. Shadow Milk broke the silence with three simple words. "You can leave." Yes, Pure Vanilla can leave, but that doesn't mean he wants to. Though by the jester's tone of voice it was clear he didn't Pure Vanilla to stay much longer. He got off the bed, walking towards the door. He'd forgotten his staff, and his fainting spell earlier had made him wobbly. Just before he left, Pure Vanilla turned around to look at Shadow Milk. "I'll see you tomorrow, my bluebird." The door shut behind him.

Chapter Text

A week. A week of not eating.

Shadow Milk sat on his bed, legs and arms crossed. Pure Vanilla Cookie hadn't eaten anything for a whole week and didn't tell a soul. The only reason Shadow Milk knew was because of how his stomach had felt in his hands. It had been sunken and thin, his ribs just barely visible. Seeing that made the worry he was feeling grow three times the size. He'd been lied to about Pure Vanilla's eating habits, and he was upset. Shadow Milk thought that in their time together that there was more trust between them. Now knowing that such a harmful fact had been kept from him, he didn't think that was true.

It might be a little hypocritical to say that though. Shadow Milk hadn't told Pure Vanilla a thing about his insecurities or his feelings. He'd been too afraid to just talk to the healer and everything built up until it was let out all at once. Even if he shouldn't think like that, he can't help it. Every part of him just wishes Pure Vanilla had spoken to him about his eating problems like he'd done.

All the thinking he was doing was making him tired. Shadow Milk laid down, pulling the covers over his chest. Maybe some rest would do him some good.
______________

The next morning, Shadow Milk was up early and in the library. It'd been a while since he'd actually gone to gather knowledge since he practically knew everything there was to know. But, after his time in the Silver Tree, there'd been a lot he'd missed. It's time to start learning again. More specifically about whatever's going on with Pure Vanilla. There's only one problem. He can't read any books due to his blindness. As Shadow Milk stood in the library, he wondered how he'd get out of this predicament. That's when he heard a voice behind him. "Bluebird? What are you doing in the library?" Pure Vanilla walked up behind him, leaning over his shoulder. "I'm looking for something. I've missed quite a bit after my time in that tree." Shadow Milk smirked, grabbing the other's hand. "Only one problem. I can't read anything. Do you happen to have any braille books?"

A smile slid onto the healer's lips as he led Shadow Milk over to his personal book collection. From the feeling on Shadow Milk's skin, there was a lot of light shining in from a window nearby. "I've got plenty over here. At first, I didn't have my glasses to aid my sight so I was forced to read using braille." Pure Vanilla sat his other half down onto a chair before sitting down himself. "Just think about what you want to learn, and a corresponding book should come to you." Shadow Milk listened to his words, hesitating before finally trying it. The effect stress has on eating habits. There was a moment of silence, then a quiet whoosh as a book slid in front of him. He heard the sound of pages flipping, then silence once more. Shadow Milk reached out in front of him, tracing his hands over the bumps on the page. It'd been so long since he'd read braille but it still felt like second nature to him.

Pure Vanilla watched as Shadow Milk slowly relaxed and focused on his reading. It was almost nice to watch him get into his element, it felt a little heartwarming to the healer. Seeing Shadow Milk relax like this reminded him of when he was a student. He and White Lily constantly skipped class to do their own research, and he remembered how they'd found that portrait. The portrait of the first headmaster. Now that he thinks about it, there's some resemblance between them and Shadow Milk. The eye on that painting was reminiscent of the eyes the jester used to have on his hair and the ones on Pure Vanilla's Awakened Robes. What was the Virtue of Knowledge's other name, the one used in history books? Something of Knowledge... Ah, that's it.

The Fount of Knowledge.

A book flew down in front of Pure Vanilla, the pages flipping to the middle. There was a picture with a caption as well as some text. It read, "There was once a time of peace here on Earthbread, when the Witches first created the Five Virtues. Knowledge, Volition, Happiness, Change, and Solidarity. The five cookies all had a purpose, to help cookiekind and to be envoys of the Great Creators. Though they were able to keep the peace for hundreds upon hundreds of years, eventually the pressure and stress of being all-knowing immortal being took it's toll. The first to fall is unknown, yet the final to fall from grace was Knowledge. Cookies flocked to him for answers, for hope that the land wouldn't fall to chaos. Yet, when he told them the truth, those same cookies shunned him. After his constant attempts to help cookiekind receive and understand the knowledge they craved, and after they didn't listen, the Virtue fell to Beasthood. What happened to the Virtues isn't known to most cookies, especially after they were sealed into the Silver Tree, located in the Faerie Kingdom. Do not venture to Beast-Yeast looking to visit the tree, the faeries might not take well to your presence."

Wow. There was so much Pure Vanilla hadn't known or learned during his years at the academy or during his time as king. It's never crossed his mind before to learn more about his counterpart, but now that it was on his mind, maybe it's time to gain knowledge on him. More books flew down, stacking themselves up in front of the healer. Shadow Milk heard the sounds coming from beside him, so he slightly tilted his head that way. "What are you doing, Pure Vanilla?" His voice was almost a whisper, like he was truly acting like he was in a public library. "I'm reading about you, bluebird. I'd like to learn more about you." Pure Vanilla replied, laser focused on the book he was currently reading. "If you want to know more, I'm right here. Wouldn't you prefer a primary source rather than a secondary one?" 

"Really? Well, I'd love to hear the past from your own mouth." Pure Vanilla smiled, closing his book and standing from his chair. "I doubt you'd like to speak in here. Would you like to go out to the gardens?" Shadow Milk didn't answer for a moment, debating his options. "Gardens, please." The healer helped him stand, and they began to make their way to the gardens. There was no small talk exchanged, only silence was between them. Pure Vanilla almost hesitated asking Shadow Milk to go to the gardens since his hair cutting incident was right after their visit. It didn't seem as though the jester was uncomfortable with the suggestion, which gave Pure Vanilla some relief.

The halls of the castle were bustling with activity. It seems weekdays weren't the busiest days of the week for the staff. With all of the cookies creating slight traffic in the hallways, it took them longer than anticipated to reach their location. They finally made it to the gardens, having walked to the gazebo in the middle already. Sitting down, Pure Vanilla helped Shadow Milk to sit next to him. "So, ahem, what exactly would you like to know? I can answer all of your questions." Shadow Milk sounded a little nervous, not having sat down and answered questions like this in so long. Pure Vanilla thought about what his answers would be, and he responded. "What was it like for you to watch your siblings fall one by one, as you were still forced to help the same cookies who unknowingly aided in their descent to Beasthood?" 

Shadow Milk tapped his finger on his leg. A loaded question, but one he was prepared to answer. "It was terribly hard. Not only did I have to protect the students at my academy from the other side of the Dimensional Portal but I needed to go answer the constant questions of other cookies. Some were fellow scholars, others were cookies I'd never interacted with in my life. When Mystic Flour had fallen, many of her disciples came to me for answers. I couldn't give them what they wanted, which was a guarantee that their Virtue of Volition was coming back." Shadow Milk sighed, shaking his head as the memories continued to come back to him. "I was forced to lie just the slightest bit, promising that she would one day answer their pleas. I almost felt bad, but as they continued to come back... I stopped feeling any kind of regret or sadness. Lying became second nature for me."

Pure Vanilla nodded, listening intently. He didn't interrupt Shadow Milk, patiently waiting to ask his next question. "How was your fall from grace? Do you remember the day it happened?" A sharp intake of breath came from the jester as the painful memories came flooding in. Pure Vanilla quickly placed a hand over Shadow Milk's, squeezing tightly. "If you're not ready to talk about it, I can always ask another question." Shaking his head, Shadow Milk let out a shaky sigh. "It's time I talk about it anyways. I learned the hard way that keeping it in never helps." Then he began retelling the fateful day, the day when he was no longer a Virtue, but a Beast.

"The day started off normal. I got out of bed, hastily got my hair together, put on my clothes, then left. Breakfast back then was optional, and I didn't have time to eat anyways. Everything was in chaos and all my fellow scholars were panicking. There were so many cookies lined outside our research library waiting to ask me for answers I couldn't give. There was never any variety to the questions that day, they only asked if everything would be okay. I kept saying, yes, everything will be resolved, yes, everything is okay, yes, the Witches will surely be helping them any day now. But the truth was they wouldn't help until it was too late for us five." Shadow Milk shivered as the tears began to flow, shaking his head as he felt Pure Vanilla try and pull him into a hug. 

He began shaking his leg as well as tapping his finger. "A young little girl came up to me. She couldn't have been older than 7 at the time. The question she asked was my final straw, and it broke me to have to answer." Shadow Milk's voice went up a pitch, the voice of a little girl replacing his. "'Do you think I'll ever see my parents again?'" His voice cracked, a sob leaving him. It took a moment, but he got himself together. "I almost started crying right then and there. I couldn't even answer her. She was sent away without an answer to her question, so I'd failed. For the first and last time, I failed at the job I was given. That evening I didn't eat dinner. I sat in my room, rocking back and forth. The mirror showed me someone I wasn't, someone I couldn't be. My hair was a disgusting blue, eyes scattered across it's ugly expanse. My face... my eyes... I can't bear to think of how I felt in the moment I saw it. I felt like a failure, and I was."

"A stupid fucking failure, and the Witches made sure I knew that. They cornered me and my siblings, forcing us into that revolting tree. The darkness that slowly covered us as the tree grew around us. I caught a single glimpse of the outside world for the last time. I will forever remember that view, it's burnt into my memories. That darkness was all I was able to see for millennium, my siblings unable to produce any light. We were practically chained to the walls, we couldn't get in reach of each other." Shadow Milk pulled down his wrist ruffles to reveal the scars burnt into his skin. "No comfort, no calming words from Volition, no soothing scents from Happiness, no stories from Change, and no unifying by Solidarity. Slowly we descended to the equivalent of madness, only being brought back by the sharp pains of our restraints."

"When that crack in the Silver Tree appeared, I took my chance. I escaped for only a moment, able to see the sights, I could breathe the fresh air. Then that stupid half-a-cookie-" Shadow Milk cut himself off, remembering who was beside him. Pure Vanilla shook his head, waiting for him to continue. "Ahem... We only escaped after you and those children came along. That's the answer to your question. Do you have more? I'll answer anymore you have." He paused, his voice wavering. "Please have more questions."

Pure Vanilla's eyes widened, and he placed a hand on Shadow Milk's cheek. "I don't want to push you to remember things you don't want to. Besides... it is lunch time now. Would you like to eat with me?" Shadow Milk nodded feverently, not wanting to be left alone at the moment. "Alright, I'll call for a meal then." He called for the meal, and they ate together silently. The silence was comforting as Shadow Milk realized he didn't want to answer any more questions. He didn't want to go back to what he used to do back then. 

Chapter Text

The lunch had been plentiful and tasted good. That same little maid girl Cream Cone Cookie gave it to them. It seemed she helped prepare a bit of it as well, as there was a note sitting on the side. Pure Vanilla picked it up and read it aloud for Shadow Milk to hear.  As he listened to his other half talk, it occurred to him that maybe... people do care about him. More than he thinks they ever would. Pure Vanilla was quick with his reading and set the note aside. That's when they'd began eating.

At the moment, the two were just taking a slow stroll in the gardens. It was silent between them, but it didn't feel stifling at all. Nothing really needed to be said anymore, since everything had been said earlier. As they walked, it gave Shadow Milk a little satisfaction to know Pure Vanilla had actually finished off his meal this time. Even if it was just to make him feel better, it worked. The concern he felt was still there but waning, bit by bit. 

They walked for an hour, taking in the scenery. Pure Vanilla spoke of his favorite flowers in the garden and smiled wide when Shadow Milk told him of his own. At some points, the jester even started rambling about certain flowers he found interesting. The Virtue in him must be coming out, especially since he had just spoken about that period in his life. Pure Vanilla was enjoying listening to his bluebird talk and ramble about his extensive knowledge. It seemed like they were finally bonding a little. 

"Nilla, did you know that the marigolds you have planted near the front," Shadow Milk asked suddenly, interrupting Pure Vanilla's train of thought. "They're annuals, but there's a chance they'll self-seed and those new plants will grow." He explained happily, a sudden pep appearing in his step. The healer couldn't help but watch his lips as he spoke, his eyes just wouldn't look away. That was until he felt a little drop on his forehead. Looking up, Pure Vanilla saw dark clouds forming above them and raindrops beginning to fall. Thankfully he'd worn his glasses, so none got in his eyes when he looked up.

He gently pulled Shadow Milk's arm, silently urging him to walk faster. "I'm sure you feel it, but it is beginning to rain. I'd like to hurry back before we both get drenched." Just as Shadow Milk was to respond, he felt raindrops himself. A small laugh bubbled up and out of his mouth. It'd been a while since he'd last been caught in the rain. "Then hurry up! I'd like to keep myself nice and dry, thank you very much." The jester allowed himself to be led along the path and back to the castle. Though they both tried to hurry, the rain was much faster than them. It began to fall in small drops at first, before devolving into something of a downpour.

Much to Shadow Milk's disappointment, no other worker had gotten caught in the rain. It was only he and Pure Vanilla who were drenched and dripping with water. When they managed to escape the rain, there were a few castle cooks and maids standing around where the two entered. The two cookies in their current condition elicited a few stifled laughs and giggles from the nearby staff. Pure Vanilla laughed along with them, though Shadow Milk acted a bit offended by the workers' laughs.  To spare the jester from more laughter, Pure Vanilla quickly led him into his chambers.

They reach Pure Vanilla's bedroom, both of them giggling lightly. Getting caught in the rain wasn't their first idea, but it was still something to laugh about. The two drifted to the wall, both of them leaning against it. Shadow Milk ran a hand through Pure Vanilla's hair absentmindedly, brows furrowing when his fingers caught in a tangle. "Your hair is so tangled." He sighed, holding out his hand. "Come on. Take me to the bathroom, I'm washing it." The healer laughed, a soft smile gracing his lips. He'd been worried at first when he noticed the little frown on Shadow Milk's face. It made him feel better knowing his little bird just wanted to care for him. As he led Shadow Milk to the bathroom, he wondered. Does Shadow Milk still hold some resentment towards him? There hadn't been many snapbacks directed towards him and no pranks had been played in so long. Maybe... Shadow Milk was warming up to him and realized he cared. 

Pure Vanilla and Shadow Milk entered the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind them. "Undress and get in the bathtub. I'll get the shampoo and other things." The healer hesitated to follow the instructions. Yes, Shadow Milk is blind, it's not like he would be able to see him taking off his clothes. That didn't make him feel any less vulnerable in front of him. "Alright..." He unclipped his souljam, letting his robes fall down his shoulders and onto the floor. Stepping out of them, he reluctantly took off his underclothes. He felt too open, too exposed. A wave of relief washed over him when he heard the bathtub faucet turn on. 

The tub filled with water, and Shadow Milk turned off the faucet. "Get in." With that permission, the healer settled himself into the water with a content sigh. The temperature of the water was just right and made Pure Vanilla fully relax. It'd been so long since he'd relaxed... or washed his hair. It's probably a good thing Shadow Milk's offering to wash it for him. "Alright. Now, let me just..." Shadow Milk sat on the edge of the bathtub behind Pure Vanilla, making sure his hair was already soaked with water. He got shampoo in his hands before letting them rest in his hair. "I might tug a bit, your hair is just... so tangled."

He laughed, shaking his head. "It can't be that bad-" A sharp "Ow!" finished off his sentence, feeling his hair being tugged at. "It is that bad, Pure Vanilla. How long has it been since you've washed it? Days? Weeks?" The jester questioned and sighed when he didn't receive an answer. Shadow Milk massaged his hair, trying to not only get the tangles out but to really get the shampoo to fully cover his hair. After his awakening, Pure Vanilla's hair had just gotten so long. His hands were getting tired as time went on. Almost thirty minutes went by before the jester decided Pure Vanilla's hair was fully detangled and ready to be rinsed. Using his magic, he lifted a bubble of water above Pure Vanilla's head and dumped it on him. 

"Ah!" Pure Vanilla cried out as the water was poured on him without warning. He shivered, looking back at Shadow Milk with a questioning gaze. "Why'd you do that-" Shadow Milk cut him off by grabbing his head and putting some conditioner in his hair. "Hush. I'm clearly working, and I'd rather you not get any product in your eyes." He mumbled as he tried to concentrate again. Whispered words continued to fall from his lips, though they trailed off as he got into his work once more. The two sat in relative silence as the jester continued to work in Pure Vanilla's hair. 

As the minutes went by, the healer stared blankly at the ripples in the water. There was something he needed to tell Shadow Milk, but he couldn't find the words to do so. Being such an important figure comes with its social requirements, which means parties and other gatherings. There's one kingdom that is known in the political world for the parties they throw. The Hollyberry Kingdom. It's not hard to figure out why. With all the berry juice they have, a party could be thrown every day and night. Just yesterday he'd received a letter from Hollyberry Cookie. It was an invitation to the yearly summer banquet she held. Unfortunately, the invite read that he is required to bring a plus one. Normally, he'd just invite White Lily to come along and that would be that. But things were different now. Surely she also was sent an invitation, and now he has Shadow Milk to worry about. 

Shadow Milk shouldn't mind being asked to go with him. They've gotten close enough for that, right? There would be a chance the jester would be recognized by his fellow ancients, or by anyone educated in the history of Earthbread. Pure Vanilla kept thinking of the pros and cons of taking his other half to the party as his hair was combed through by his counterpart. "I'm almost done, V'Nilla, just give me a moment." Shadow Milk mumbled, gently rinsing the conditioner out of the long hair. Almost done. That means the conversation shouldn't be held off any longer. By any longer, Pure Vanilla meant taking another fifteen minutes to relax in the hands of his other half. Now that he's fully relaxed, he'll bring up the invite.

"Ahem, Shadow Milk? I think we need to talk." A pause and a continued silence. That silence was a bit worrying. "Bluebird? I-" Pure Vanilla asked before his voice caught in his throat. He watched as Shadow Milk undressed himself, well, he didn't watch. He averted his eyes and only watched as he got into the tub. Thank the Witches it was a large tub, he didn't know if he could handle having his other half that close to him. Especially unclothed.  "Talk? About what." Shadow Milk's words were almost harsh, laced with anger and worry. Pure Vanilla sighed, realizing the jester likely thinks it's some kind of bad news. "Don't worry, I can promise it's nothing bad." He gently reached out into the water and grasped Shadow Milk's hand. "I've received an invitation to a party in the Hollyberry Kingdom. I'm required to bring a plus-one and... I was wondering if you'd let me bring you." More silence. His grip on the jester's hand tightened, a silent plea for a response.

"They'd recognize me, and besides... would you really want me at that party? You haven't seen your friends in so long, certainly, you deserve to spend more time with them." Shadow Milk replied quietly, just barely squeezing Pure Vanilla's hand back. "I'd only be a burden. Just go to with Black Raisin Cookie or something." Pure Vanilla stared at his other half's expression with confusion. Why would he ever think he'd be a burden?

Pure Vanilla sighed, standing from the bath. "I'd still like to take you, Shadow Milk." He grabbed a towel and began drying himself off. "Give me a moment, and I'll help you out." Just after he said this, Shadow Milk surprised him by standing up. "I don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable of getting out myself." The jester tried and failed to exit the tub, slipping and almost hitting his head on the floor. "Shadow Milk!" Pure Vanilla called out, reaching out to try and catch him. He stopped himself though, noticing that Shadow Milk hadn't actually fallen to the ground. He was floating. "Oh, thank the Witches, you're okay." The healer smiled and continued drying himself off.

Nothing was said between them as they dressed themselves. It was almost awkward, the silence. Shadow Milk clearly didn't want to have the conversation, but Pure Vanilla knew it had to happen. They exit the bathroom, the healer helping his other half out and onto the bed. "Okay, Shadow Milk." Pure Vanilla took his hands in his, holding them tightly. "I'd really like to take you as my plus-one. I feel like it'd be a good way to advance our relationship." A scoff, and he pulled away. Shadow Milk crossed his arms as he began speaking. "What relationship? It's not like we actually have any kind of relationship." He grabbed another towel from the bedside table and began drying Pure Vanilla's hair. 
.
"We do have a relationship, Shadow Milk. We are two halves of a whole, connected whether you like it or not." Pure Vanilla stated, sighing quietly. The towel in his hair paused before continuing its ministrations. This time though, he could feel his hair being tugged at a bit harder than before. "Please don't be angry. I just want to spend more time with you." Shadow Milk shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't make me laugh." He tossed the towel to the side before starting to braid the hair. "I'd never fit in at a party. It's been hundreds of years since I've gone to one.

"That doesn't matter. I want to go with you. Please." Shadow Milk scoffed once more. He doesn't understand, the jester. Pure Vanilla not only wants to push the boundaries of their relationship, but he wants to try and get Shadow Milk out into more public spaces. Recently he's been so shut-in and reclusive, and it's a bit concerning. The healer leaned in close, his voice a quiet, almost desperate whisper. "Bluebird, please. I... I'll do anything, just please come with me. I need you to be there with me. Please." 

Pure Vanilla was begging. Begging for him to come to some stupid party. There's no way. "Oh, my Witches, Nilla. Stop it." A light blush colored his cheeks and he quickly finished that braid. The healer smiled, noticing the blush. "I'm sorry. Did it make you uncomfortable? I just... really want you to come with me." Shadow Milk laid back on the bed and pulled the covers over himself. "Hmph. Maybe I'll think about it. Go to sleep, you freak." There was some giggling at that, then a bit of shifting, and finally... silence. 

The two cookies lay in bed together, both facing away from each other. There was still some tension between them, but it was bearable for now. The party is only six and a half days away, and they don't have anything prepared. Pure Vanilla can only hope Shadow Milk can make his choice soon, otherwise... there will be no party for either of them.

Chapter Text

His eyes are open, yet he sees nothing. The curtains were clearly open, as well as the windows. Once again, the loud chatter of the square below fully woke him. Yet another day of feeling the sun on his skin but being unable to see the light itself. It's almost painful, being unable to see it. Even if he usually despises light, that doesn't mean it's unwelcome at times. This is one of those times he wished that he never cut his hair. That he wished he'd told someone of his feelings and how bad they'd been getting. Maybe if he said Black Sapphire and Candy Apple as he promised, this never would've happened. He could've told Pure Vanilla, but no. He just had to keep it all to himself and let it build up until it-

"Good morning, bluebird. Did you sleep well?" Pure Vanilla's voice caught his attention and redirected it to something better. "Hm. Yeah, I guess." Shadow Milk sighed, slowly sitting himself up. The healer placed a hand over him as he scooted closer to the bed. They were cheek-to-cheek, literally. If Shadow Milk were to turn his head to the side, he swore that he'd be giving Pure Vanilla a swift kiss. Whether it's on the cheek or the lips... that's another story. "Nilla." He decided to turn to the side, thankful that his mouth didn't brush past the other's face. "You're eating breakfast with me. Come on, get ready." Shadow Milk slipped his hand from Pure Vanilla's and got out of bed. It's time to start the day!

The jester opened a portal and prepared to enter it before Pure Vanilla grabbed him. Shadow Milk's breath hitched slightly as he was pulled from his portal. He wouldn't have been so surprised by being pulled away if the healer hadn't done it like that. Pure Vanilla had grabbed him not by his hand, but by his waist. "Where are you going, bluebird?" Pure Vanilla asked, leaning over and resting his head on his shoulder. "My... room? I need to change into normal clothes before we head to breakfast." He raised an eyebrow and pulled away from him.

Pure Vanilla frowned and sighed. "I have some of your clothes in here. You don't need to leave." He closed the portal himself, letting go of Shadow Milk once he did so. When the jester tried to walk back through and he was still in Pure Vanilla's chambers, the surprise on his face brought a smile to the healers. "How in the world..." Shadow Milk rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "Nevermind. I know how. Don't explain it to me." The room went silent. Pure Vanilla was still smiling as he handed clothes to his other half, a soft giggle escaping his lips.

The chatter from the square almost drowned out the annoyed mumbles that filled the room. It was almost like separation anxiety, what Pure Vanilla's acting like. Shadow Milk isn't going to leave him like that. Not after everything that's happened in the past few weeks. Right now, he doesn't exactly want to live by himself, nor does he want his minions caring for him. As Shadow Milk changed out of his clothes, he continued his grumbling. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn't think to leave the room or ask if Pure Vanilla could leave. Truthfully, Pure Vanilla would never watch the jester undress. He's much too respectful for that now.

"Are you done yet, Shadow Milk?" An "mhm" answered him giving Pure Vanilla some relief to know that he could turn around. "Alright. So, we're ready to head to breakfast?" Shadow Milk nodded in response. The healer grabbed his hand and the two made their way out of the room. Today was extra lively with many workers scrambling through the halls, trying to get to their destinations. Getting to the kitchens didn't take long considering the amount of cookies swarming the halls. One might've thought it'd take longer than fifteen minutes to just get to the kitchen doors. When the two entered, they saw that the room was surprisingly empty. Even with it being empty, there was food on a nearby counter. It looked like it was made just for them with two perfect servings of... cereal.

It felt like a slight from the cooks, having them both eating cereal in the same kitchen as that first day. Most of the people working in the castle have something against Shadow Milk Cookie, that's just a given. It's just... to mock his tantrum so openly feels a bit insulting. Having Pure Vanilla notice the slight as well makes things worse. The laugh that comes from the healer's direction only makes Shadow Milk stuff his face with the cereal. Nothing but stuffing his face could stop him from snapping at Pure Vanilla Cookie, so he did so. At least he's trying to be more kind to others, it's a small yet impressive improvement. "Shadow Milk... don't eat so fast." Pure Vanilla laughed again, shaking his head. "The food isn't going anywhere." A scoff, cereal falling out of his mouth as he did so. "It is going somewhere. My stomach."

Their bowls were quickly emptied and placed into the sink. "Nilla." The healer turned to face Shadow Milk with a soft smile. "Yes, bluebird?" He cleared his throat and sighed. "I... I'd like to be your plus one. At the stupid party." Pure Vanilla gasped, clapping his hands together. "Oh, really? Well then, we should start shopping now!" He grabbed Shadow Milk's hand and began pulling him somewhere. There was a quiet woosh as a portal opened, but Shadow Milk hadn't been the one to open it. "So you're just going to start using my powers, hm?" He rolled his eyes with a slight smile as Pure Vanilla pulled him into the cold darkness of his Other Realm.

Sunlight graced his skin, happy chatter all around, and a few cookies even bumped into him. Where in the world are they? "We're in the Cookie Kingdom, Shadow Milk. You know, the one Gingerbrave and the others helped create." Pure Vanilla gently pulled him to the side of a walkway, still smiling. Oh. That's where they are. Shadow Milk was confused though. Aren't there better shops in the Vanilla Kingdom? "We're in the Town Square so there are plenty of good shops here!" The healer sounded excited to shop around with him... he couldn't deprive Pure Vanilla of the opportunity. "Hm. Well, then first we need to head to a clothing shop. More specifically a tailor." 

The two walked down the path to the tailor, almost ready to get there. Shadow Milk does make a few pit stops and shops at a few small stalls. And argues with a seller. Then shops some more. When they'd finally walked into the tailors, a seamstress greeted them with excitement. "Pure Vanilla Cookie? It's... it's an honor to have you here!" The young man eagerly showed them around, presenting their finest suits as well as a few dresses. Shadow Milk took his time with each suit shown to him, using his hands to feel the patterns, stitches, and ruffles. After much looking on Pure Vanilla's part, two designs were picked out. According to the tailor, their suits would be ready in approximately two days.  When they finally walk out, Shadow Milk quickly releases the healer's hand. "Don't think I'm going to be at that party with zero accessories." He smirked and crossed his arms. "Certainly you'll help me buy some, won't you Pure Vanilla?" They continued to walk down another path, making their way to more shops. 

"Of course I will, bluebird." Pure Vanilla smiled wide and used his hand to ruffle Shadow Milk's hair. "I invited you, it'd be rude if I didn't cater to you." When he said those words, he meant it. There has never been a time where he's extended an invitation to another cookie and didn't treat them with the utmost respect. This time is barely different, only the fact that this time the cookie is Shadow Milk. The walk to the shops was short, as was the time spent in them. Nothing was suited to Shadow Milk's taste based on the healer's descriptions of the items and how they felt. When they finally walked out of the shops, their arms were left light. Pure Vanilla was a little worried since he'd gotten himself many different jewelry pieces to wear with his suit. "Shadow Milk." He nudged his shoulder. "Are you done shopping?" He received his confirmation with a nod, so he opened another portal. Holding onto each other's hands tightly, they walked into the portal... and straight into chaos.

Cookies were scrambling around the room, holding papers, books, and other random items. In all of the disarray, no one seemed to notice the two standing in the middle of everything. Someone was directing others to certain areas and rooms, doing their best to maintain control. Stacks and stacks of paperwork stood on the table and another held books that covered a variety of topics. Much to his disappointment, Pure Vanilla quickly realized that the room he'd teleported them to was being used today. His room was the better choice in terms of privacy and comfortability but it was good to change things up every now and then. Shadow Milk could only hear the mayhem yet understood every bit of it. It reminded him of his younger days when he edited essays and research papers constantly. Now though, was not the time to relive the past. Grasping Pure Vanilla's hand harder than before, he opened another portal and rushed in. 

Stumbling, the two were now in Shadow Milk's room. Well, his old room. It's not like he's spent much time in there since he's slept in Pure Vanilla's room. "That room was certainly chaotic, wasn't it?" Pure Vanilla smiled and leaned against his staff. No answer, just silence. That was okay and made sense. Their previous location had been fairly overwhelming. What he didn't expect was to watch his other half fall to the floor. Shadow Milk tried to keep walking without regaining his balance and fell down. "Ouch!" He yelped, trying to sit up immediately after he fell. "Don't sit up just yet, stay down." Pure Vanilla quickly kneeled at his side, hovering over him. Shadow Milk could feel the healer over him, how close he was. Honestly, he was so close he could just reach up, pull him closer and- 

"I can get up myself, thank you very much." Shadow Milk's hand found Pure Vanilla's chest and gently pushed him away. "Just because I'm blind now doesn't mean I'm fragile." It felt a bit suffocating, the care that was so often pushed onto him. Maybe it's the fact that he's not used to it or just... he wants it. Finding the wall, Shadow Milk leaned against it with a deep sigh. Today had been a whirlwind of events and he was tired. Tired enough to fall back to the floor and just fall asleep right then and there. It'd been so long since he'd gone shopping like that. Not that he'd really done it during his time as a Virtue. He didn't have time back then. He doesn't really have time to do it now, but it's done him good to relax a bit. 

Suddenly, a knock at the door. "Come in." The two said simultaneously. It didn't open for a moment, as if the one on the other side was confused by the two voices answering them. The door swung open to reveal Black Sapphire Cookie standing in the doorway. Their posture was a bit awkward, likely due to the fact they'd been scrutinized by other workers walking by... He flinched when Pure Vanilla was the only one he saw in the room, though relief quickly washed over him when he saw his master. "Hello, sir. I apologize for the intrusion, but I have some rumors I think you'd like to hear..." Shadow Milk eagerly turned to Black Sapphire's voice, a wide grin plastered on his face. "It's been much too long, Sapphy! Tell me everything." The two quickly got lost in their conversation, leaving Pure Vanilla to stand there. The healer watched how Shadow Milk lit up with each rumor told to him, whether they were lies or not.

Clearly, the healer was forgotten in the moment, leading to him sitting on the bed. It was a bit nice, watching Shadow Milk interact with someone he clearly cared for. Even if he wasn't involved in the conversation, it still brought him joy to see his counterpart so happy. Deep inside there was another feeling. One that Pure Vanilla didn't exactly want to acknowledge in front of Black Sapphire Cookie. It was something he hadn't felt in a long time since he and White Lily had been together. He doesn't pin himself to be the type to feel this way, but you can't pin yourself to be anything. You never really know yourself until people tell you. Even then their perception would be skewed.

Black Sapphire left after a while, something like an hour later. Shadow Milk was lying on the bed with Pure Vanilla sitting next to him. He lay there, thinking of his interaction with his minion. It was nice, but a small part of him felt a bit bad for leaving Pure Vanilla to sit and watch. He still didn't say anything to him. Silence had fallen over the room. There was tension but not the good kind. It was like someone was holding something back, holding back what they really wanted to do to someone. Nothing happened for a few minutes, only the sound of their breathing told them that the other was even alive. Shadow Milk lost himself in his thoughts, not even paying attention to the other cookie in the room with him. He didn't even notice him silently moving closer.

"Bluebird."

An almost breathless voice came from right above him, a breath brushing against his face. Shadow Milk jumped, instinctively opening his eyes. "Oh, my Witches, Nilla! Is that you?" No answer. It was almost eerie, the silence. He could feel the presence of someone on top of him, and he didn't really need an answer to know it was Pure Vanilla Cookie. Opening his mouth, Shadow Milk started to speak. He was quickly silenced by Pure Vanilla's lips against his. The healer had leaned in close, trapped him against the bed, and pressed their lips together. There was no resistance from Shadow Milk, so the healer made the decision to advance the kiss. Pure Vanilla pressed his lips against the other's harder, slipping his tongue into Shadow Milk's mouth. 

A moan came from one of them, though neither knew from who. The healer's hands roamed Shadow Milk's body, trying to explore every inch of him. It was only when one of those hands managed to truly touch his skin did Shadow Milk realized what he was doing.   Immediately, he began fighting against him, pushing Pure Vanilla away. Of course, the healer pulled away just as quickly as he'd kissed him. Shadow Milk's breath had quickened, his eyes darting around, looking for and seeing nothing. The healer stared down at him with confusion in his eyes, not that Shadow Milk would know that. "I... I'm sorry. Did you not want me to" 

"Get away from me." And that he did. Pure Vanilla got off of Shadow Milk, even standing from the bed. He watched as Shadow Milk clutched his chest and gathered himself once more. "Why would you ever do that? What made you think I'd want you to touch me like that?" The healer could only stare in silence, confused and embarrassed by Shadow Milk's actions. "I hate you, Pure Vanilla. Why can't you just get that! I don't want you to be my friend, it's only your souljam I've ever cared about. It's been that way since the start and you know it." Shadow Milk sat up, head in his hands. "Don't ever touch me like that again. That was disgusting... You know what? Just leave." He turned to the right, where the healer was standing. "Your mere presence in my room is fucking repulsive."

He left as he was told, not saying a word. What could he say to him after that sharp reprimand? He left to his chambers, lying down on his own bed. Pure Vanilla felt disgusted himself, just at his own actions. That feeling in his stomach, the one he'd felt when Black Sapphire was talking to the jester. It's that revolting feeling that caused him to act like that, as well as his own unimportant needs. He'd crossed Shadow Milk's boundaries... even if they'd been unclear, that's no excuse for him. He should've known. As his other half, he should've known Shadow Milk wasn't comfortable. But when they'd kissed, it didn't feel like there was any kind of resistance. Before Pure Vanilla knew it, he was crying and he couldn't stop himself. His quiet cries descended into sobs. Sobs turned into broken screams. 

When he'd finally run out of tears to cry, he just lay there. What else was there to do? It's not like his bluebird wants to see him tonight. His duties were still calling to him, but he was running away from them. Maybe he's more like Hollyberry Cookie than he thought. Constantly running from the things he didn't want to deal with. Even with the comparison he's not going to stop. Pulling the covers over himself, Pure Vanilla Cookie closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep and forget about everything that happened that day.

Chapter Text

Four days.

It's been four days without talking to one another. Somehow they've managed to avoid each other while going all around the castle. On occasion, they saw each other across a hallway but never interacted. The party is today as well. Their suits had been delivered, and placed in front of their respective doors. They're forced to interact during mealtimes, but that's it. The only words they've spoken to each other were "Hello" and "Goodbye". Nothing else. Even the workers noticed the tension between them.

The tension couldn't last, since Pure Vanilla had taken all of the accessories into his chambers. Shadow Milk didn't exactly want to interact with his other half at the moment, but they'd already RSVP'd. They can't go back on it now. So, there he was, standing at the doors. A knock would either get him into the room or force him to stay outside. It's all dependent on Pure Vanilla's decision. At least that's what he would've done if he didn't want to hurry and get ready. "V'Nilla! I'm coming in." Shadow Milk twisted the door handle and pushed open the door. His skin felt warm as the open windows let in sunlight. "Goodness, bluebird. You could've knocked." There was some annoyance in his voice, but it was obvious he didn't truly mind.

"Where are my earrings and my necklace, hm? I thought I told you to put them in my room." Shadow Milk shut the door before crossing his arms. Pure Vanilla didn't respond with words, only a soft chuckle. That's when it hit him. The healer meant to leave the stupid accessories in his room, he wanted to force Shadow Milk to come to him. "You little..." He sighed, shaking his head. He had to give it to him, his other half did know how to force conversation.

Pure Vanilla walked up to the other, uncrossing Shadow Milk's arms and placing the two pieces of jewelry in his hands. With them in his grasp, the jester quickly found the bed and sat down. Pure Vanilla only watched as he put them on, noticing how he didn't struggle with putting on the necklace. It saddened him, he'd been hoping Shadow Milk would need help with it. Ever since that day, he'd yearned to touch his bluebird again. However, the reaction Shadow Milk had did deter him quite a bit. He'd never want to make him uncomfortable or feel disgusted by his touch. Pure Vanilla just didn't understand how wide his range of emotions changed over certain matters and how quickly they did so.

It was only four p.m. at the moment and they were already fully dressed and ready to go. Pure Vanilla was dressed in a cream-yellow two-piece suit, though near the collar there was light blue embroidery in the shape of eyes. Shadow Milk, on the other hand, was wearing a midnight blue three-piece suit with yellow-orange embroidery along the shoulders. The healer didn't have many accessories, but Shadow Milk did force him to wear a watch. There's no universe where the Beast of Deceit would go to a party without any kind of adornments. The earrings he wore were simple blue sapphire studs and the necklace was a gold chain with a simple yellow diamond. Their outfits were not extravagant, but they were still fancy nonetheless.

"It's been years and years since I've worn anything like this!" Shadow Milk giggled, feeling the fabric and jewelry. It was clear he was excited to be wearing clothes like these once more. "Do I look good, Pure Vanilla?" Pure Vanilla looked over and his eyes widened. Of course, his bluebird didn't look good. He looked breathtaking, but he couldn't say that. "Yes, you do." The response was short and his tone was a bit harsh. Pure Vanilla didn't mean it that way, why would he? Shadow Milk only heard his tone of voice, he couldn't see the lingering gaze that looked him up and down. The tension in the room quickly thickened as they fell into silence.

They sat in silence up until six. The party was to start soon and they needed to make sure they were not late. Pure Vanilla placed his hand on Shadow Milk's shoulder, leaning down to his level. "It's time to go. Are you ready?" He questioned softly, prepared to be snapped at. To his surprise, Shadow Milk actually smiled and nodded. Standing up, he opened a portal to the Hollyberry Kingdom. "The real question is are you ready? You're the one who hasn't been seen at a social gathering in the past ten years." The tease elicited a light laugh from Pure Vanilla as he pulled Shadow Milk through the portal with him. It was cold at first, the darkness enveloping them. Then there was conversation all around them. Shadow Milk could smell all kinds of berry scents coming from the nobles crowding the entrance.

When some of the nobles around them saw Pure Vanilla, they gasped, immediately making way for him. Not many noticed them as they walked closer to the inside of the party. The doors to the castle were wide open as guests danced, talked, and walked around the wide ballroom. Someone must have gotten the word around quickly as a loud voice rang out throughout the large room. "A very important figure is walking through the door right now! Welcome to Pure Vanilla Cookie of the Vanilla Kingdom!" Heads quickly turned to the two cookies who were now frozen in the large arched doorway. Pure Vanilla smiled and gave a quick wave before pulling Shadow Milk over to where the majority of the food and tables were.

Of course, people know who Pure Vanilla Cookie is, he's an Ancient and the founder of the Vanilla Kingdom. It's Shadow Milk who they don't  know. Most glanced at the two then went back to whatever they were doing beforehand. Other nobles who enjoy gossip began whispering things like "Oh my, who's that?" and "Is that a guy he's with? I didn't know he swung that way." None of them knew how to whisper, or even talk quietly. Shadow Milk didn't openly let it be known he heard, but he definitely heard them. As he sat down with Pure Vanilla, his leg bounced incessantly. It's not like he could stop it, not when people are so blatantly talking about his presence. Shadow Milk only hoped no one noticed.

Pure Vanilla did notice, though. He could also hear, and see, the nobles speaking ill of Shadow Milk. Another thing he noticed was the anxious reaction Shadow Milk had to the gossip. It was clear to the healer that the words would affect his other half, but not to the extent that he was seeing. The eyes darted around even though they couldn't see, the slight sheen of sweat forming on his forehead, and the shaking of his leg. To try and stop the leg shaking, Pure Vanilla placed his hand on Shadow Milk's knee. "It's alright. What they're saying doesn't matter." He whispered, a soft smile gracing his lips.

"No, it's not alright!" Shadow Milk whispered back aggressively, clearly affected by the harsh words being thrown about by the nobles around them. "How am I supposed to just sit here when they're saying such... nonsense about me!" Just then a plate of food was placed in front of him with a small "Here you are, sir." In his slightly panicked state he'd forgotten he'd asked for a plate. He hurriedly gave a quiet thank you before indulging in his meal. It was a simple dish, yet packed with the flavor only a Hollyberrian chef would be able to create. The food easily distracted him from the things that had been distressing him just a moment earlier. Pure Vanilla shook his head as he watched Shadow Milk eat. It was hard to tell if he was actually hungry or if he wanted to avoid the conversation. He wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter considering the amount of times Shadow Milk's done it before. When he was just getting lost in his thoughts, a cheerful voice piped up from behind him. "Ah, Pure Vanilla Cookie! It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Pure Vanilla turned to see his fellow Ancient Hollyberry Cookie staring down at him with a gleeful expression. It was clear she'd already drunk a bit of berry juice, but to him, it was obvious she was limiting herself. "It has. How have you been, Holly?" Her upbeat and happy demeanor never failed to bring a smile to his face, no matter how tired he might be at the moment. They delved into a deep conversation, large bubbly laughs and light chuckles showing just how much they enjoyed each other's company. It was a while before Hollyberry really looked at the table Pure Vanilla had just been sitting at she saw the plus-one he'd brought. "Oh! I'm surprised you really brought one, Vanilla!" She nudged him with a smirk, causing him to roll his eyes. "I'm more surprised it's a guy. Never knew you'd openly date one." Her comment wasn't meant to be rude, but Shadow Milk felt himself curl in on himself slightly. Was he just a part of Pure Vanilla's coming out? Did no one know he was open to seeing another man? Why hadn't the healer told him that he was the first guy he'd openly been out with?

No. He can't think like that. This is his moment to make a good impression on those around him. No spiraling, not tonight. That's when Shadow Milk made the decision to just take in everyone's demeanor. Let's start with the party itself. It's lively, with many cookies dancing with one another. The atmosphere is light, with barely any tension in the air. Well, that's if you don't look at the king and queen. They're standing over by a large stained glass window, clearly arguing. No one could hear their hushed whispers, but by their body language, one could infer that they were having quite a disagreement. Raspberry Cookie stood nearby, clearly distracted and not paying attention to the other noble speaking to her. Something was clearly on her mind, and to Shadow Milk, it looked a bit like longing. A feeling he could relate to greatly. He continued to scan the party and watch other people's behavior. It was a bit of fun but got boring quickly. Thankfully, Pure Vanilla and Hollyberry finally finished talking.

"Bluebird." Pure Vanilla walked back over with a shy smile. Uh oh. What was he planning to ask? "Yes, Nilla?" He cautiously answered, wary of what the healer wanted.

"I'd like to ask for a dance."

A dance. Shadow Milk was almost giddy at the thought of dancing with Pure Vanilla. Just as quickly as the joy came, a wave of disgust washed over it. Why would he ever want to dance with him? He opened his mouth to give a sharp retort to answer before he was pulled up from his chair. Sucking in a breath, Shadow Milk glared at Pure Vanilla. "Fine. Only two songs though." There was a slight disappointment in the sigh that the healer gave, but he was still elated that his request was approved. He gently led Shadow Milk out onto the floor, placing his hands in the correct position. It was almost laughable how gentle he was being. "I know how to dance, Pure Vanilla. I've lived for hundreds of years with boundless knowledge, why would I not know how?" The snarky reply only encouraged Pure Vanilla, to place his own hands in the "correct" positions as well. Immediately, Shadow Milk noticed the hand placement being incorrect and made haste to, well, correct it. "Place your hands appropriately for goodness sake! Your hand was practically on my ass..." Unbeknownst to him, a light blush colored his cheeks as he swallowed his embarrassment. Pure Vanilla found it quite endearing, how he didn't notice the small.

"Shut it." Even though Shadow Milk sounded a bit harsh, he didn't really mean it. He was enjoying their dance as well as their sweet banter.  At least he was enjoying it until he heard more whispers.

"His dancing form is just so outdated..."

"The suit doesn't even compliment Pure Vanilla's, why'd he wear it?"

"Gosh, have you seen his hair?"

Shadow Milk practically froze, his hands stiffening on Pure Vanilla's shoulders. The healer was still dancing, unaware of the things being said around them. They "danced" for another song, though Shadow Milk was practically dragging his feet and being pulled along to move. At this point, Pure Vanilla noticed the distracted expression on his bluebird's face. Hadn't Shadow Milk just been excited to dance with him? What is wrong with him? "Shadow Milk... what's wrong? Are you-" Pure Vanilla felt the warmth of the jester's hands leaves his shoulders. They now stood in the middle of the floor, nobles gracefully drifting about as they danced. Nothing looked to be abnormal around them, so what was affecting him? "You're worrying me." No response. Shadow Milk stepped away staring at the floor with an unreadable expression. He continued to step back while carefully avoiding other dancing couples. Pure Vanilla still stood at the center, only watching as Shadow Milk walked away from him. At some point, he'd begun to r

"Wait, come back!" Pure Vanilla only ran after once the jester was out of his sight. There were a few nobles who glanced at them, but most went back to dancing. The music slowly faded out as he ran after him, the only sound in his ears being his heavy breathing and frantic heartbeat. It was clear Shadow Milk didn't know where he was going, so he quickly found himself at a dead end. Having been in this castle many times, Pure Vanilla knew his way around. It sort of made him happy to know he had Shadow Milk cornered. That happiness faded just as quick as it came when he finally heard the quiet sobs echoing through the hall.

"Didn't you hear them? Ridiculing me?" Shadow Milk said through sobs, still facing away from him. "They hate me! They don't even know I'm a Beast and I'm still disgusting to them!" Pure Vanilla sighed, taking a step towards him. "I didn't hear them, but I do know they're wrong. You could never be disgusting because you're beautiful, Shadow Milk."  A loud groan caught him off guard. Shadow Milk turned his head to the side with a piercing glare, though it couldn't be directed at a certain someone. "Stop it with the lies. I don't know what I look like, but I know it's ugly." "You aren't ugly." Pure Vanilla took another step forward, this one much more hesitant than before. They went back and forth with the "I'm ugly" and the "No, you're not" for a while until the healer got tired of it. He held his staff with a tight grip as he brought it down onto the floor. The loud knock of the staff echoed through the empty halls, silencing the two of them. "Shadow Milk, how many masks do you have?" The jester glanced back at him, clearly confused. "What masks? I'm not wearing a-" "Not a physical one. I mean, how many personalities do you have?" Pure Vanilla's voice was sharp but calm. The anger he felt was clear but kept well inside of him. He's not the type to have large outbursts, not in front of others. 

"When I kissed you four days ago, you liked it. I'm sure. You kissed me back for Witches sake!" Pure Vanilla began to pace the room in a slow yet hasty manner. "But when my hands finally touched your skin, you pushed me off. Called my touch disgusting and sent me from your room. I was so very confused. Why did the person I love push me away? I thought I was in the wrong, but I've had time to think." He took a deep breath, letting it out in a quiet hiss. Opening his eyes, Pure Vanilla stared at Shadow Milk. "The fault lies with you, Shadow Milk Cookie." A loud scoff came from in front of him, clearly the other did not agree with his assessment. "You crossed my boundaries. I had every right to push you away-" "What boundaries?" Pure Vanilla narrowed his eyes, the tone of his voice much harsher than before. "Not once have you expressed any kind of boundary for... anything really. I am not a telepath, I am a healer. You are the all-knowing one, so how do you not know how to tell another your limits?" With that, the hall went completely silent. It was silent for quite a bit, other than the slightly louder sobs coming from Shadow Milk. Pure Vanilla walked closer until he was right in front of him. When he spoke, the harshness in his voice was no longer present, leaving behind the sweet concern that Shadow Milk practically craved.

"Bluebird, I'm beginning to think you're just not ready to accept that you can feel love. That you can be loved."

That really broke Shadow Milk, as he fell to his knees sobbing. They quickly filled the silence of the empty halls, becoming the only thing one could hear. Pure Vanilla felt a pang of guilt. He'd made him cry like this. Oh, Witches, this was his fault now. "No, I'm sorry... Bluebird, it's okay..." He kneeled in front of the jester, lifting his head up. "You're right." Shadow Milk choked out, his sobs practically muddling his words. Pure Vanilla was about to shake his head when he was interrupted. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose myself in my feelings. Last time that happened, I cut off my hair." He took a shaky breath, trying to ground himself. The healer interlocked their fingers and held their hands to his chest. "Just... what if you put me back? In the tree? What if this is an act, like how you lied to me in the spire. Like how I've lied to you. What if White Lily is here, waiting for the chance to imprison me once more?" 

"It's these constant 'what-ifs' that stress me out. They push me away from you and make me want to keep everything to myself. I don't want to open up to you. You could use it against me, or belittle me for it." Shadow Milk held onto the healer's hand tightly, as if it was the only thing keeping him sane. Pure Vanilla held it tighter. He felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces, being put back together, then broken again. It was devastating to hear these things coming from his bluebird. Nothing prepared him for this, not even the things he's been through. "I... I would never. I would never sell you out to the other Ancients." His free hand brushed the tears away from Shadow Milk's cheek. "I promise you, I will never help imprison you in that godforsaken tree. Do you understand me?" He felt Shadow Milk nod, his sobs slowly quieting back down. The healer leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to Shadow Milk's lips. It wasn't passionate or anything, it was an apology. An apology for never truly understanding how Shadow Milk felt. That's when he felt him pull away. Pure Vanilla stared at Shadow Milk with a devastated expression. How was he even supposed to feel now? The kiss wasn't meant to be sexual in nature, it was only to portray his feelings outside of words. "Shadow Milk, please." were the only words he managed to get out of his mouth before he felt Shadow Milk's hand leave his grip.

It was like their conversation hadn't happened. They were being vulnerable but it felt like Shadow Milk was still closed off. What could he be doing wrong? Was the kiss unnecessary? Was it too much? Fuck, had he made him uncomfortable again? It felt like everything that's happened in the past five days never happened. Pure Vanilla can't let that be the case. "Shadow Milk, we can't keep pretending it didn't happen. It did, and we must acknowledge it." No response. "Please. I don't know how much longer I can take... not knowing what you want pains me." That got a reaction out of Shadow Milk. A sharp inhale with a quick slump of his shoulders. Lifting his head up, he searched for, found, and grabbed Pure Vanilla's hand. "Nilla. I..." He took a deep breath, hoping his eyes wouldn't water and that his face wasn't red. "I'm going to be honest for once, okay?" The healer quickly nodded, hoping for a good answer. Shadow Milk scooted closer, leaning in so he could whisper into his ear. "I really do want you. Alright?" He gasped quietly, a soft smile growing on his face. The jester didn't let him know he noticed the gasp and continued. "I'm not disgusted by you. I'm disgusted by myself, but we've already established that. What I'm saying is that I'm not comfortable with you seeing my body. At least I wasn't before. I am not necessarily ready.. but I want to give myself to you. I guess."

"You mean it?"

"Of course I mean it. I said I wouldn't lie."

"Does that mean we can..."

"Yes. It does."

"Well then... may we start now? I've been around here plenty of times. Finding an empty room will be quite easy, and I doubt Hollyberry would mind."

Chapter Text

so i've been struggling with writing recently. Thinking about writing any kind of smut sort of makes me worried. I haven't written any in like a year and I don't want it to be bad. I've also had so many other ideas for fics that have nothing to do with shadowvanilla or cookie run and they're taking up space in my head. I guess it's sort of a fixation or whatever but it's still not great.

Basically what I'm saying is that there probably won't be an update wednesday or maybe even next wednesday. I'm tired, I've pulled two all nighters just reading and I don't have the energy to write well. I'll let you guys know when I'm back and ready to post more chapters but uh i'm tired. I'm sorry for just like dropping this on you. Maybe this is my version of the ao3 curse 😞

I've also been like starved of any sort of ideas. When I get any of them they just fly right out of my mind and I can't remember. If any of you like idk have something you'd like to see next chapter or in future chapters just comment it :) might respond might not

anywho maybe see you in the next like two weeks or whatever