Work Text:
> an explosive gift 4 u :3
The coordinates leading to the middle of nowhere at God knows where and the lighthearted chimes that came alongside Kiat’s popup message was nothing but fuzzy static within Alexei’s senses. He was still so, so confused, he felt like his brain was getting tangled up in a whirlwind. His eyes frantically darted from the coordinate to the stupid message, trying to ignore the uncomfortable tightening of his chest.
He surely was a target for the agency from now on, and that he’d have to go outside for business that wasn’t for his own personal missions anymore. And though they were pretty big problems on their own, he had some other concerns that admittedly bugged him more than it should’ve:
What happened to Kiat, and what did he mean with his final texts?
Alexei wished he knew. Hell, he should’ve at least had a general idea on what Kiat was trying to do with all of this. It would’ve been normal, wouldn’t it? They’ve been acquaintances(?) for quite a long time now, so it was a big surprise to the watcher when he finally realized: he really didn’t know Kiat, after all.
Kiat seemed like a stranger more than ever in Alexei’s head, further intensified by the current physical distance between the two.
—
What are we?
That was a question Alexei never expected to ever have unsolved answers for. It was simple enough, he thought to himself; but he learnt the hard way on how difficult it would be to face the same question head-on. Maybe he was simply scared of his own feelings, maybe he was horrified of what would come after his realization and acceptance, maybe he didn’t dare imagine the strange places his head would take him—at the end of the day, he never expected that he’d genuinely have to worry about his relationship with another person .
Especially when said person was an asshole like Kiat Maung.
Alexei never got to know him that well, which was weird enough as he thought that the two were friends somehow. As unconventional and taboo as their relationship happened to be, Alexei never had anything close to friendship before Kiat; how would he know what’s normal and what’s not?
Maybe that’s why Kiat decided to form a relationship with him? Maybe he somehow caught on how antisocial and shut-in the infamous hacker turned out to be, and decided that Alexei would be perfect to use for his little secret mission involving his own agency?
But was Alexei falling for him part of Kiat’s twisted plan somehow?
He’d never know, he figured. Kiat is gone now to whatever that mist thing was called, Alexei never bothered to recall anyway. However, the moment with Kiat’s stupid little salute and final glance never left his head ever since that stupid night, like a broken cassette player looping the same shitty tape over and over again till the point that it’s engraved in your mind.
Why, oh why did Alexei even begin to trust Kiat of all people? The blonde was full of tease and mystery; the last type of person he thought he’d ever get interested in. After all, he was a serious man who seldom showed emotion, it was a surprise even to himself that somebody like Kiat was the first ever person he could somewhat consider a “friend” (though the feelings were sadly not mutual, at least in Alexei’s eyes).
—
> lol ur INSANELY antisocial
> u need to talk to people! socialize!! being alone in ur stinky basement all the time is bad for u!!!!!!!!! >:(
A sudden sharp, gashing pain in his mouth snapped Alexei out of his deep thoughts. He yelped lightly, proceeding to let out a deep sigh as he felt blood mixing with his saliva. The faint sweetness of his blood laid sourly on his tongue, as he realized what he had just done. (Bad habits just love to hit like a truck when you’re at your lowest, don’t they?)
As Alexei hissed lightly in pain, a familiar ping shot into Alexei’s ears amidst the silence of his room, catching his attention once more. He perked up, almost excited for once, only to be left disappointed when it was just the chatting application he used to chat with Kiat required an update.
The update finished quite quickly, and as Alexei was about to close the application and hide it in some random folder he’ll never find ever again, he paused. Did he really want to forget all of this? Even if he wanted to, can he?
> ur so weird
> but in a good way
It was almost as if Kiat was a part of Alexei’s veins now. Every mention of his name tightens his chest, every reminder of his past existence sends him into a mind fuck, every flashback of him makes him want to rip his heart out and scream until either his lungs or body gave out.
> You did so much more than you know. I learned a lot from you. You’re really good at what you do.
He hated it, so, so much; so why can’t Alexei get over him?
> But I don’t think I have a use for you, anymore.
Fuck, clarity hurts.
Alexei slammed his head face-first onto his keyboard, clearly frustrated and overwhelmed. He never thought that he’d hate being alone and in peace for once, but clearly his mind loved to play with him. Back then, Kiat betraying him and leaving without a trace never crossed Alexei’s mind (he’d seen the betrayal coming from miles away, but it still hurt when it actually happened), and now he’s gotten to the point where he missed Kiat’s occasional useless pinging and spamming.
As he got up and rubbed his face, he realized that his chat log with Kiat had auto scrolled to the very top—the beginning of it all. Where it all started.
> hi
> its getting harder, right? u arent solving them as quickly
Alexei sighed, a barely visible smile cracked on his face as he began to read. It was back when what between the two of them was still considered a mere game: a long, hard game of cat and mouse; a ruthless back-and-forth behind the facade of lighthearted banter.
> whats up with all the catgirl screensavers
The same catgirl screensavers Kiat had brought up once during one of their useless late-night conversations, now hidden away in a secret folder amidst even more secret folders, now seemed more visible to Alexei than ever, and he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Grief works in weird ways, or whatever they said, and he was beginning to understand as he read through more. It brought in a sense of…peace? Comfort?
Little by little, it was as if reading their past conversations were like keeping a piece of Kiat with him, as if he was still there with him. And he cherished every moment of it. A little part of Alexei wished that time never progressed, that the two could maybe just remain as their confusing parasocial relationship dynamic forever in their silly chatroom. But in the end, most wishes, most especially his, will remain as nothing but a silly dream.
Such hypocrisy Alexei was experiencing— even the slightest thought of Kiat pained him deeply, but as if the mere concept of Kiat was some sort of weird drug, he couldn’t imagine himself living on without him.
—
Kiat was confusing. And he still is. Even after what seemed like hours and multiple times of thoroughly reading the texts he shared with Alexei, the blonde was still an unsolved puzzle that will never have a chance to be unravelled now.
Alexei had always hated this feeling. He hated how relevant Kiat was to his life for the past few months. He hated how much Kiat seemingly knew about him that even Alexei himself didn’t. He hated how, despite feeling like a dissected display open for Kiat to freely observe, he knew next nothing about the man.
> I’m not going to prison, but I’m not staying here, either.
> I’ve been controlled all my life. I’m finally taking charge.
And so when Kiat disappeared into the mysterious rift alongside Kelvin, Alexei didn’t even know where to begin about him or his whereabouts.
It was over now, just like his current reality; no more messages between the two to reminisce about, leaving Alexei on his own with zero clue on how to move on once again.
How many times has he done this? How many times has he reminisced about the past like this late into the night? How many times has he questioned the concept of emotion all over again like a teenager that digs into r/im14andthisisdeep daily? (He’d rather not know. He’d hate the truth.)
The silence in Alexei’s room was disrupted by him gnawing his tooth deep into his nails, already rugged and uneven from previous instances. This time, the sharp stinging on the tip of his fingers accompanied by the sour blood resting on his tongue was null to the watcher; who was busy with his mind absorbed by the past. Relapsing, observing all their little late night chats, checking for any missed signs and clues that someone as silly yet served as Kiat could’ve left.
But then again, either Kiat was too smart at this, or that Alexei was indeed as emotionally dumb as Kiat thought out to be; he never found anything in the end.
Fuck. He’d let Kiat win again.
—
Alexei saw him for the first time today.
Same shoulder length blonde hair half tied up, same brown eyes, same silly cover-up: if Alexei’s eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, he definitely was the same old Kiat he remembered.
He told himself he'd have a big long confrontation of some sorts when he finally met him. Instead, as Alexei’s tired eyes met with Kiat’s, he felt scared. He was scared to face the present. He didn’t want to accept the fact that this is now his reality. Not yet.
When Alexei stayed silent as their eyes continued contact, Kiat responded with the same silence, though it was clear that he wanted to tell the watcher something: we can still talk, it’s not too late to salvage things.
Alexei could feel his chest tighten again, feeling the tension in the air between the two getting heavier. He wanted to run away, he needed to escape; but his legs had been stiffen in fear, not wanting to move an inch despite every nerve in his body practically begging to get out of there.
The mist escape behind Alexei was glowing and echoing deeply, which was where Kiat needed to get to in order to escape. Yet, as the blonde walked up closer to Alexei, he couldn’t help but feel his body jumping in distress. Every muscle under his skin tensed up, and he almost could feel his heart stop for a second.
Alexei barely gathered his remaining sanity and energy together to move aside, praying that Kiat would just escape as fast as possible to end this cursed round already. However, Kiat just stands still all of a sudden, his feet one inch away from the mist escape. He turned to the watcher, finally speaking up with the same serious expression he put up during that fateful night.
Forget the past me, ‘Lexei. When you can finally do that, I’ll be back with you to explain everything.
And with that, Kiat moved his leg and he was gone by the next second, leaving only Alexei and his thoughts behind.
An offer to finally explain his side? It was better than nothing, wasn’t it? But then again, it meant that Alexei had to make some difficult choices. Forget the past him? Letting go of the only good memories he ever had with another person? It had to be some part of Kiat’s yet another cruel joke somehow.
He tightened the grip on his fists. As the mist darkened Alexei’s vision, he felt like he had left this round more conflicted than ever. But one thing was decided for sure: he wouldn’t let this opportunity go to waste.
Maybe one day, he’d finally take the beginner steps to let go of what he thought knew about Kiat. He’d finally hear him out and, maybe, what happened will be mere history in the future.
Maybe this is how it should be.