Chapter Text
and i am the idiot with a painted face
in the corner, taking up space
but when he walks in, i am loved, i am loved
It's no secret that 007n7 is lonely. Has been for years.
His only real companions in his life have been his college roommate, which culminated into a whole lot of heartache, and his 10 year old son. Now they're both gone. Granted, Noli has been gone for years, but c00lkidd was his little boy. His reason to keep going. The reason he got better. The three jobs and the crack in his bones and the noise complaints all faded at the sight of his son's smile.
In this hell, he only sees that smile when he's about to die.
007n7 has never lasted through a round against c00lkidd, and it's obvious as to why. When the killer is begging for 007n7's attention and calling him "papa", the association is clear. Besides, Elliot easily recognizes the words branded on c00lkidd's chest, and the face of the terror that almost ruined his family's business.
007n7 hears whispers about him and his child. He doesn't know if they're real or if he's finally lost it, but everywhere he goes he feels like he's being watched. Looked down upon. He hasn't felt this way since he was an insecure teenager, thinking the entire world hated him. The difference was his paranoia has merit now. Even the most open and carefree survivors, like Elliot and Shedletsky, kept their distance, which was understandable, don't get him wrong. 007n7 has done some terrible things in his time. Crimes like locking people in their homes to corrupting entire experiences used to thrill him. Now, they only weigh on his conscience. All he's earned was a reputation that used to mean everything, but now separates him from the rest of the survivors. It's only natural they are wary of him, and he should avoid them in turn.
"007n7."
A voice breaks 007n7 out of his self-pitying shame spiral. He looks up in confusion from his corner in the main cabin.
Looking down at him was Guest 1337, one of the few survivors 007n7 can say he is on decent terms with. He was kind and friendly enough to bother talking to 007n7, even when everyone else was weary around him. He would be a fool to not be grateful.
"Oh, Guest! Is everything alright?" 007n7 fiddles with his thumbs. Guest frowns.
"I should be asking you that. You've been zoning out for a while. Do you… do that a lot?" Guest looks around nervously, hand on his neck. It's an odd look for the normally confident and strong man, at least compared to 007n7's impression of him. For all he knows, he could be completely off base, with how little 007n7 thinks he knows the guy,
"Do what?"
"Sit in a corner staring at nothing, I mean." Guest gently points out. He reproaches 007n7, but not harshly. Never harshly. Still, 007n7 tenses.
"Oh, I'm just thinking! Nothing to worry about!" 007n7 laughs, defensive and strained. He doesn’t know why Guest is so interested, asking all these questions to him of all people. They only talked during rounds or when there was no one else around, and even that's sparing. Out of necessity. Why was this different? 007n7 is very easy to ignore, sitting in the corner, silent and small, meaning Guest had to go out of his way to notice and ask him— for what purpose?
"Can you tell me what you're thinking, then? Indulge my curiosity." Guest sits down next to 007n7. The other man looks around, and realizes the cabin had emptied while he was lost in his thoughts. He must have been sitting for longer than he should have.
"It's nothing-"
"Clearly not, if you look so miserable." The soldier turns his head to make direct eye contact with 007n7. His blue eyes pierces into the latter's soul. 007n7 turned away in shame.
"Oh, do I? Haha..." Silence. He should say something to appease Guest. Anything to get out of the awkwardness. "It's just..."
How would he even start? Guest is sitting next to him, waiting for him to say something, and he's speechless. His heart thumps as Guest inches closer. His face is sympathetic and encouraging, but he's sympathetic and encouraging to everyone and everything, and it only worsens 007n7's nerves.
"If you don't want to tell me, it's fine." It doesn't feel fine, no matter what Guest says.
"N-no, I do! I just can't find the words, y'know?" 007n7 stutters, but keeps going as Guest calmly listens. The idea of actually telling someone how he feels — and being understood, even — is something he's fantasized about, but now 007n7 feels unable to share anything. He doesn't even want to share anything, actually. What is wrong with him? He's so contradictory, so irrational. "But, I really appreciate the sentiment, Guest. We're all in this together, eh? Can't leave anyone behind..."
Another frown falls on Guest's face as 007n7 rambles. It looks wrong on him. 007n7 shifts uncomfortably, avoiding the judgement he tried so hard to circumvent.
"I really mean it, Seven. Even if you think no one else does, or you feel badly about yourself, I'm here. I care."
"That's... Uh..." 007n7 is at a loss for words, again. This time, however, from shock instead of uncertainty and fear. He has no idea how to respond to what seems to be honest words, rather than some insincere consolations. Hell, Guest managed to guess exactly what 007n7 was thinking, and he even called him "Seven"! The other survivors used to give half-hearted assurances, asking offhandedly if he was okay, insincere and obligatory. He always waved them off, and eventually they stopped asking. Maybe it was his fault. Who was he to assume their intentions? No matter — he has to think of the present moment, lest he spirals again in front of Guest and embarrass himself further.
"Thank you, Guest. That means a lot..."
"Anytime." There was Guest's easy smile again. 007n7 would give anything for it to stay on his face. Guest was so kind to him. Well, he was kind to everyone, but it never fails to make 007n7 feel better.
"Can you stay a bit longer?" 007n7 blurts out, then immediately flinches. What was he thinking? Guest has more important things to do! He's such a well liked survivor, Guest doesn't want to spend time with a coward, hated ex-hacker like him. 007n7 doesn't want to come across as desperate either. "I mean, if you want to..."
Guest smiled in approval. That must have been the right thing to ask.
"Of course. Anything for a friend."
It just occurred to 007n7 that they could be considered friends. Or at least, acquaintances. Guest considers them friends, so 007n7 should do the same.
Friend. He hasn't called anyone a friend in years. 007n7 smiles.
Friendship in hell is weird.
007n7 already wasn't experienced socially. Living and dying with a bunch of people who either hate him or couldn't care less hasn't helped. Even at the height of his hacking career — and confidence, — Noli was his sole confidant. Once 007n7 shed his immaturity, his one friend was his own son, if that even counts.
Guest is nothing like his son. Or Noli. Or anyone else in this hell. He treated 007n7 the same as everyone else from the start, but quickly warmed up to him. Looking back, 007n7 can see how they progressed from acquaintances to friends — from brief chats next to generators to spending time in the cabins, chatting about everything and nothing. He knows about Guest's time in the army, his family, his childhood, almost everything about the veteran. Guest knows about 007n7's own past and family in turn. He had underestimated how close they were, judgement clouded by self doubt and loneliness. Really, 007n7 being vulnerable only solidified their friendship. The seeds have been sowed since the start.
He doesn't tell Guest about his death, or his scars. He knows Guest died from his own mouth, sacrificing himself by blowing himself up, but his death was noble. It was for a good reason. Guest had been martyred. 007n7 doesn't want to know how Guest will think of him once he realizes why 007n7 has a scar on his nape. Guest isn't the type to judge him out loud, but that doesn't mean 007n7 feels comfortable enough to explain his suicide to him.
Guest is still his friend. His only friend.
007n7 walks over to Guest in their brief downtime, a smile creeping up just by seeing him. It's kind of embarrassing, how happy he gets just to be around someone who tolerates him. The shame doesn't stop his lips from turning upwards in a lopsided smile. Guest notices him, and grins back, patting the seat next to him in silent invitation.
"Seven! Nice to see you out and about!"
"Haha, yeah… I just needed a change of scenery. Y'know, one stuffy cabin to another, big improvement." Jokes come easier when he talks with Guest, reminiscent of ones he used to share with Noli. Except less crass. And explicit. And mean-spirited. Actually, it's nothing like him and Noli, but before 007n7 can compare even more, Guest laughs. It quickly draws 007n7's attention, like a moth to a light.
"Isn't that right. Better to suffer with others than on your own, isn't it?"
"Ha, True."
A comfortable silence falls, only for the door to swing open. The room is filled with lively chatter and colorful characters (and language) around the two. 007n7 doesn't know where the rest of them were, but he does know that the cabin is more hostile now.
007n7's smile fades. The eyes of the other survivors don't go away. 007n7 still feels like they're judging him, even if he tells himself otherwise. He doesn't feel like he can relax anymore, always looking over Guest's shoulder to find someone there, listening in, condemning him silently. It stresses him out enough that Guest has to snap him out of his thoughts, multiple times. His words buzz past him, never registering to 007n7. It probably gets on Guest's nerves. That kind of stuff used to piss 007n7 off, he'd hate to treat Guest the same way. No matter how Guest insists otherwise, 007n7 can tell, innately, that he's becoming a nuisance.
007n7 feels like he needs to leave. He gives a half hearted excuse, ignoring Guest's falling expression, and walks off.
He will repeat this enough to be a pattern. A noticeable one.
His seat at the table is empty for most meals. He barely enters other cabins, besides his own at the edge of the land. Instead, his time is spent in the cabin, thinking too hard or napping. It's still lonely. but 007n7's fine. He can survive by himself — he's done it once, he can do it again. Guest deserves to have a companion who actually shows up for him. Give and take, and all that. 007n7's can't be that. 007n7 won't be that. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he knows how this will end. He's not strong like Guest, not self assured enough to let the other survivors' treatment roll past him, and it's making him a worse person, never mind friend.
After a month, (or a week, he can't tell) of his increasingly self-sabotaging behavior, 007n7 gets a knock on his door.
007n7 was napping as usual before the interruption, one eye opening at the intrusion. He's always been a light sleeper, and being a parent only worsened his poor sleeping habits. 007n7 forces himself to get up and open the door, only to be met with Guest's solid stature looking down at him, casting an ominous shadow.
"We need to talk."
007n7 gulps.
Guest sits next to 007n7 on his bed, which was haphazardly thrown together to be presentable. The soldier doesn't seem to notice, too focused on staring at 007n7's awkward shuffling.
"So... what brings you here?"
"Mm, just wondering how you were."
"Ah." Innocuous enough. He hates being thought about usually, but this time a pleasant feeling fills 007n7. He feels warm. Guest laughs fondly as 007n7's face heats up a bit. Guest's eyes close, and his face scrunches up pleasantly for a brief moment, quiet, light chuckles leaving his mouth. His laughter isn't particularly loud or heavy, but soft and sweet. 007n7 savors every detail. He didn't realize how much he missed the other man's laugh until he heard it again.
"I'm okay..."
"Seven."
The illusion is shattered. Guest looks down at 007n7 in pity. His tone becomes stern and admonishing, even if it wasn't Guest's intention. 007n7 deflates. The harsh contrast in expressions is glaring. It hurts.
"Don't lie to me."
"What-"
"You haven't been out at all. I haven't seen you at the main cabin in the past week, and neither has anyone else."
"Oh, I didn't think you'd notice..." That's even more surprising. Guest was keeping such close tabs on him? For what purpose? Another pattern of bewildering behavior from Guest. 007n7 should really keep score at this point.
"Of course I would, you're my friend. I care about you. "
Oh, that's why. He forgot. 007n7 rode on that high for about an hour, a goofy smile on his face, before it came crashing down as he remembered his place. He's the outcast no one wants to associate with, no matter what Guest said. Friendship with someone like Guest means wondering where someone is, worrying about them, longing for their presence. Maybe not longing, but something akin to that? 007n7 doesn't know. He hasn't been wanted in what feels like eternity. No one's depended on him since c00lkidd, but this feels different; it makes him feel just as warm, even if it's not the same exact feeling.
Guest carefully watches 007n7 freeze at his words. As 007n7 comes back to reality, his gaze feels less condescending and more concerned, untainted by 007n7's doubt and distrust.
"Sorry, it's just weird… having someone worry about me. Care about me." 007n7 shrugs. This is obvious. This is normal, not something overtly concerning.
"...I see." Guest doesn't seem to know how to respond. Clearly, he doesn't share 007n7's rationale. His gaze shifts from 007n7 to their surroundings, as if he was unable to look at the ex-hacker directly. It's almost laughable how quickly his demeanor changed from intimidating and steady to unsure. Guest's mouth is in a flat line, contrasting 007n7's own sheepish smile. "...I hope you get used to being cared for, then…?"
"Uh." That was almost as awkward as 007n7 feels. Guest also recognizes this, and fumbles for something else to say, embarrassment clear. It's a bit funny to see the seemingly "stern military man" flustered, stumbling on his words, but 007n7 can't laugh in this situation — especially with what Guest says next.
"What I mean is, you should take care of yourself. You should join us, instead of spending all your time here."
"...'Us'? With them?" 007n7's focus hinges on that word— us. Faces flash through his mind, ranging from outright anger to indifference and worse, pity. He physically reels at the thought, which catches Guest off guard. The veteran squints in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
"Guest, they hate me. I've done terrible things to them— haven't you heard? Don't you see how they look at me?"
Guest takes time to respond. He thinks through his words this time, probably to avoid repeating his earlier blunder. Perhaps he is thinking back to Elliot's treatment of 007n7, from the first day when Elliot had to be pried from him, sobbing in agony and rage, to fake smiles and cold pizza. Or he's remembering Builderman and Dusekkar interrogating him on his intentions, treating him like the threat he used to be. 007n7 can only imagine. He would die to know what was running through Guest's mind, to know exactly what he sees in 007n7 to bother prying.
"The other survivors don't hate you as much as you think."
"They don't like me, either." Far from it, 007n7 wants to scoff. He tries to remember self control to avoid lashing out, but his hands are trembling.
"No, but they don't know you. They only know your past, and now you isolating yourself."
"I'm not isolating-"
"Listen Seven, I wasn't treated well either. For most of my life, in fact. I was bullied for being a Guest. The Last Guest." His lips purse, pausing his words at the moniker. Bad memories, then. Obviously. 007n7 has heard as much. "But, I found people who stood by me, and I stood up for them."
"But you didn't deserve it. I do. I deserve to be here, to be treated like that." 007n7's tone is a bit too spiteful, a bit too self-deprecating. It feels like Guest is cutting him off, but his arguments make too much sense for 007n7 to ignore completely.
"You don't!" Guest becomes aggravated, before quickly composing himself. Visible shame crosses his features. It's such an unusual sight, it slightly scares 007n7. "I'm sorry... but I hate to see you think so low of yourself! You don't deserve this, none of us do. I know you think you do because of your past, but I don't think so."
007n7 doesn't have any response. What can he say? There's no way to defend himself from this. Tears flow from his eyes, and he feels worse. He can't break down in front of Guest, he doesn't even know the man like that! Guest is so strong, he probably finds 007n7 even more sad and pathetic than before! His hands cover his face, eyes blinking to chase away tears.
Embarrassing.
Guest notices his tears, and his gaze softens further.
"Seven... you know I'll always be your corner." He scoots closer. Their knees are touching now. "But… let me give you some advice, as a friend. I think you should go out more. Give them a chance."
007n7 blinks at him. While deadpanning, a phrase c00lkidd used to say comes to mind: "...Are you telling me to 'touch grass?'"
"What does that mean?" Guest's confused expression sends 007n7 to a fit of laughter. His shoulders shake, looser than he's felt in a while. Guest probably doesn't know elementary-schooler slang, being in the army and all. His ignorance is still funny, if he doesn't think too hard about it.
"I'm serious! you need to get out and talk to the other survivors. They're good people, mostly."
"Mostly."
"Generally. You know…" He gestured aimlessly with his hands. "But we're all stuck here together, yeah? Might as well know the people you're damned with forever." Guest is grinning, motivated by 007n7's lively reaction. However, 007n7 notices his dark choice of words. 'Damnation' and 'forever', huh?
"Geez Guest, didn't think you were such a pessimist..." The joke does not land. 007n7 still chooses to pry further, hoping to change the topic from himself. "You... you really think we'll be stuck here forever?"
"...We don't really know if we'll ever get out. Go back home." Like a switch, Guest gets a haunted look in his eyes. 007n7 knows what he's recalling.
Guest has shared with him snippets from his time in war, but 007n7 doesn't know everything. He can respect that — he has his own secrets too — but he does have an idea of how hard it was on Guest. That doesn't mean he's seen him crack, until now.
"We don't know if we'll return alive."
Then, Guest goes quiet. Eerily so. His chest heaves in an attempt to calm down. Guest's never this quiet outside of the rounds; his face is set and his body is tense. It sends 007n7 into a panic. What person asks the war veteran who sacrificed himself by blowing himself up in combat that kind of question? He left behind a wife and daughter, first in war than in death, and 007n7 asks if he thinks they'll ever come home? No wonder nobody likes him, if this is how he acts to kind people just trying to help, pushing their buttons and reminding them of their trauma.
007n7 doesn't know how long they sit there, the only sounds being Guest's fast-paced breathing. All he knows is that he has to fix this. Somehow. He struggles to reach around and hold Guest's still form, rubbing soothing circles and whispering what he hopes are soothing words. He pulls away once Guest's breath slows down, and he seems to have come back to.
"... I'm sorry Guest, I didn't mean-" 007n7 immediately apologizes, turned away and ashamed.
"It's fine, Seven. I can almost feel your anxiety from here." Guest is still rattled, but he seems to be holding on for 007n7's sake. It's painfully obvious his smile is strained though, which makes 007n7 feel even worse. His expression must make this clear, because Guest throws an arm on the ex-hacker's shoulder in an attempt to comfort. "You don't have to worry about me."
"But I do! You're my friend, aren't you? You've done so much to help me, even when I don't deserve it." 007n7 doesn't know where this sudden confidence is coming from, but it makes his honest feelings of gratitude flow out of him. He turns to face Guest, reaching for his other arm to ground him further. "...I have to return the favor, no?"
Guest stares at 007n7, which makes him self-conscious again. The rush of adrenaline tapers off, leaving 007n7 with a familiar hollow, all consuming shame. He subtly scoots away further from Guest, only to yelp as Guest pulls him back.
"You do deserve it."
"...Don't say that."
"I really mean it."
007n7 looks to the side, and sighs. He would like to believe in Guest's assurances, but how can he? His thoughts are invaded with memories of his past transgressions and failures, just more proof of how horrible 007n7 was. Guest's presence and words were soothing, but not enough to completely dispel 007n7's doubts. Guest must know this, because he keeps going, with his steadfast, kind expression.
"The other survivors should know how much of a wonderful person you are. I haven't talked to you much, but I know you have become a better person. It's clear in how you act. I respect that."
"...Respect, huh?"
"Not everyone changes for the better." Guest crosses his arms, probably thinking of some example from his past. "Not everyone wants to change for the better. You changed for the sake of your son, on your own will. It's admirable."
007n7 stiffens further, if that's even possible. He can't accept this. Guest is such a good person, but clearly isn't a good judge of character — he hasn't realized how much of a horrible person 007n7 is. Panic starts to set in again, but this time, he can't contain his thoughts.
"...I wasn't a good father. I couldn't provide for him, and I kept him anyway! It was selfish! if I didn't raise c00lkidd, he would have had a better life..."
"You don't know that. His life could have been worse."
"He wouldn't have disappeared." He wouldn't be here, killing them, deluded into playing tag. Surely, Guest should blame him for making a monster, if not for anything else.
"Seven. c00lkidd adores you. He calls for you every match. You made his life happy the best you could. Take it from a fellow father, I know." Guest puts a hand on his own chest, his expression somehow even more heartbreakingly earnest. 007n7 almost forgot that Guest can sympathize, almost. Not exactly the same, but enough for his affirmations to be believable, rather than meaningless words from somebody who can't understand.
007n7 doesn't respond verbally. Guest looks at him in concern, checking to see if he shut down, only to see him silently sobbing. His hands grab at his arms, wrapping around himself, shying away from the other man. Guest squints at his limbs, noticing angry lines that look too intentional to forget.
"...Can I hug you?"
007n7 briefly looks up and nods. Guest's strong arms wrap around 007n7's body, giving him warmth he hasn't felt in a while. Something neither of them have felt since damnation. 007n7's sobs are muffled in the embrace, and gradually die down to sporadic sniffles. Guest is steady the entire time. His head rests on 007n7's, hand reaching to scratch at the man's scalp.
"...I'll think about it."
"Hm?" Guest pulls away enough to see 007n7's expression; the ex-hacker is surprisingly resolute, but turns away, still hesitant.
"Your- uh... advice. I mean. No promises." He tries to laugh, but it comes out more like a sigh. His tired eyes are red and puffy, tear streaks still visible on his face. It's a pitiful sight, he's sure.
"You don't have to promise anything. Just... Come to dinner once in a while, will you? I'd like to see you."
"... Alright."
For Guest, he can try.