Chapter Text
I was always an abnormality.
I was always 'too' perfect.
I was always an imitation.
I was always emotionless.
Until Kanade came around.
Kanade is beautiful and compliments my apathy in a way I'm sure no one else can. Kanade makes the music to my lyrics and contracts the two in perfect harmony. Kanade is still trying to save me,even though she already has by just her presence. She's just so... imperfect. Her imperfections match mine in an odd way.
How long until this school day ends?I want to go back to kanade's home already. What lesson is this..?Oh yes,science,what I need to become a doctor...I don't want to be a doctor,I think. Maybe I do, and I just despite it due to my mother. However, helping Kanade compose music gives me a sensation inside of me that I can't find the words to describe with.
I need to tell her how I feel. The feeling gnaws at me every moment I spend away from her and the underlying tones. She creates the feelings I can not express,and I create the sentences that she can't think of the words to form. She will accept my confess--
My thoughts come to a halt as a chime signalled the end. The end of the lesson, the end of the day, the end of my melancholy, the end of these invisible yet so real chains. As I expect,I get stopped before I can leave,students alike asking me to explain topics they didn't understand. However much I want to go home, I'll still help the less fortunate, so I stay around 20 minutes dumbing down the points and facts of the lesson till these idiots get it.
I finally get released from my charity work and start the walk to kanades through the forgotten streets of Shibuya,stopping at a a run down corner shop. Half the time, there isn't a person at the counter ,such as today. Better for me,because it's less money spent. I grab a few cup noodles for Kanade's undying obsession with them,one new flavour to expand her limited taste aswell. I grab some small things for myself so as not to worry Kanade about my wellbeing... or something like that, anyway.
I don't particularly thrive on the fact I steal from a small corner shop,but the fact there's no staff half the time and it's still running makes me think that it's a front for something. Surely, if this was a legitimate shop, they would have something to tell the staff someone has come into the shop,or at least a camera. However, no security measures means they're basically asking for thieves and poor kids to steal a drink or a chocolate bar or whatever else is in the shop. I don't hang around the shop to browse for obvious reasons.
I exit the shop,as if I hadn't just stolen around...3,100¥. My skills proceed me, but not when it comes to counting the value of stolen goods from a vermin infested business. The guilt doesn't necessarily catch up, as others say. I'm not sure there is any guilt,seeing as I don't have any consequences to deal with. I'm pretty sure the counter girl is an older grandma,so if she catches me, which isn't exactly expected due to her prolonged disappearances, what would she do? I'm not sure she'd be able to chase me,and there are no cameras around for me to be caught with.
I walk down the streets,my schoolbag the slightest bit bulkier than when I left the corner store,but not noticeable unless you were particularly searching for it. The streets are busy and loud,I won't deny the discomfort that causes me,however, the word doesn't revolve around me and Kanade. I walk till i arrive at the homeschooled girl's home and enter, locking the door for her as I take my bag off.
"Kanade,I'm back from school." I said into the apartment,knowing she probably wouldn't hear due to her headphones. Her adamantcy to save me from myself really makes me pity my darling. So sweet. However, she really isn't the brightest bulb in the room. It's easier for me,I suppose.
I entered Kanade's bedroom,and,as I expected,she was slaving away for me. I gently tap her on the shoulder, to not give her a fright too large. After getting her attention,I gently take her own headphones of her head.
"Kanade,I got you some noodles again, some new flavours as well. You really must expand your palette."
"..Thanks Mafuyu." She replies to me with two simple words,one of which is my name. Hearing her say my name,it sends my heart into an unsteady beat. Hearing my name isn't uncommon, school and all,however, it's completely different when Kanade says it. She says it like she says every other word,half heartily,exhausted, and on the verge of passing out,like she used to.
"Mafuyu?"
"Hm?"
"Make me one of the new noodles, please..?"
"Oh!Yes,I'll do that.."
I put the headphones back on kanade, watching as she readjusts them slightly, noting how and where to make sure she won't need to readjust them next time. I walk out of the room,noting that Honami would be coming around some time to do the housekeeping. Why does Kanade need her when she has me? I assume I can't do everything,and I don't need to make an enemy of Honami when I'm calm with her presence.
I mix up the spices and the... all the other things in a pot noodle. I don't know what this is, to be exact, but I'll find out if Kanade turns out to like something new. Water in the kettle,turning it on. I get Kanade's favourite pair of chopsticks out. If she was going to try something new,she needed some sense of familiarity,right?
I hear the dribble of the water hitting the plastic edges of the noodle cup. I filler a little under the recommended amount, instead replacing that amount with cold water,since it'll make it the perfect temperature for Kanade to eat without burning her tongue.
I enter back into my love's room with the noodles in my right hand.
"Kanade?" I tap the desk where she worked,not to startle her, but to tell her I am here. She took the headphones off.
"Thank you,Mafuyu,how much do I owe you..?"
"Kanade, you don't owe me anything, just the fact you're letting me stay here is enough."
"Maf -"
"Shush. Listen to me on this one." I quiet her down.
I watched her eat the noodles as I sat on her bed. How comfy,with all the pillows and blankets on it,though she doesn't use them. The messiness fits the theme of her room. I let her finish the noodles,glancing at her pleased expression. I knew she would like the flavour. That pale skin with the dark wood of the chopsticks,I need to stop. I can feel my face starting to flush. I take the empty cup to the kitchen without being asked ,cleaning it up,and entering her bedroom again.
"Kanade." I say calmly. This,is really happening,oh no,it's too late now. I can,I can,I can't,I can't...
"..yes,Mafuyu?"
"C-can we go to Sekai?I need to talk to you about something I don't want anyone hearing." I curse myself silent from my stutter at the beginning on my question with an explanation. I don't assume Kanade picked up on it,but it's getting harder for me to read her emotions while I'm trying to control these things I've never felt before.
"Yes,we can go.. Come on then." I heard her voice say through my muffled mental gasps and my overriding thoughts. I grab my phone,watching as Kanade went in first,and I followed soon after. This is really happening,I don't think I can do it..
I guide the snowy headed girl to the lakeside of sekai. A weird connection I have there makes it the better place to say..or somehow just express these feelings. I don't see Miku, Luka, or any of the other vocaloids around,which is good.
"So,Mafuyu,are you going to,you know..talk..?" Kanade asks me,and I can hear her concern and uncertainty on what I'll tell her before I pick up on my own nerves...I'll just tell her what I know.
"I've been feeling different." I finally said, breaking the silence between the two of us.
"..what do you mean..?" the oblivious girl asks me. Oh my,I really will have to say it.
"..it's you." I say quietly,not believe I said it. I don't doubt myself,except right now I do,so my confidence is cracking,and I might just run into sekai to disappear.
"Did I do something wrong, Mafuyu..? If I did,I'm sorry,but.."
"No. You didn't do anything wrong. Kanade,you make me feel. When I'm around you, I feel warm.. and my heart gets this feeling as if it has morphed into a butterfly."
"..Is,is this a confession...?" She asks me. She asks. Asks. She has to ask? Do I confirm it?
"What do you think,Kanade?" I ask a question back. Not in a rude,or mocking,or satirical way,just in a genuine way.
She doesn't reply... and the seconds pass,and she just stands there,silent. I can feel my tears forming, and I am holding together. I keep trying.
"Kanade...say something...please!" I beg her weakly, however, that small and round mouth of hers stays shut.
And I run.
And run.
And run.
Sekai seems endless.
I think it is endless.
I hear her calling after me.
I feel my tears dropping onto the floor.
I hear her pace slow.
I can't feel.
I'll hide,because this is my sekai,and not hers. I'll hide because she doesn't feel the same. I'll hide because she's the first person to pull me out of my dulled state, and yet she can't appreciate it. I can't do this,not any longer. Empty Sekai is empty,oh my fucking--
"Mafuyu,stop." A hear a voice say,closer than anything I expected,and I trip up,landing on the floor,my tears reflecting certain parts of myself. I look behind and around to try to get a grip on myself.
"M-miku..?!" I stammer.
"Mafuyu.." I hear the hesitation in her voice. She clearly doesn't want to sat anything that would set me off again.
"...why have you chased me down, Miku?Can't let me live in my newly found emotions?" I asked, this time with a hint of sarcasm.
"You can't run forever." The mismatched girl states to me simply.
"Nothing stops me. You told me once that Sekai is infinite."
"It was a figment of speech,you would reach an end eventually."
"And what's at the end of my sekai?"
"How should I know,mafuyu? I don't venture far from where you,amia, and the others do."
"Then I'll find out."
"No,mafuyu."
"You can't stop me,Miku."
"I actually can if I need to."
"And how would you?--"
Miku was distractacting me. I see Kanade in the distance,and there might be two other silhouettes in the far fog of the horizon I see.
"..N-no,I can't,not right now.."
I see the hesitation in the vocaloid's eyes of her decision.
"...Fine Mafuyu,go. They'll catch up soon though,like I said earlier, you can't run forever." She tells me,before taking a small step to the side,letting me pass of I wished to.
Obviously, i wished to,so i ran again. I ran and ran and ran and ran. Miku gave me a theory that I'm here to test. Given my general maturity,I know this doesn't fit my character,not even close,but I'd rather act out of my own image than face Kanade knowing she doesn't feel the same.
"...Mafuyu,wait...!" I hear Ena call out for me,I don't stop..Kanade got the others, when it's something that should only be between us,this us a nightmare come true,I need to wake up but,this isn't a dream. I can't cut myself with something random and nonsensical because everything here makes sense. This is sekai.
"Ah...Argh...ah.." I hear myself breathe through my spiralling thoughts.
Wait,is,is that the sun...in Sekai? This place doesn't have weather,let alone a sun..? I slow down,knowing the others are somewhere behind me. I'd rather they catch up, and I ignore their questions while understanding this sun.
"...hot..." I mutter under my breath, abnormally hot for only the sun.
"Mafuyu..!" I hear distant voices call.
Distant..so,distant...
I continue slowly stepping towards the anomaly.
It's so warm..so comforting...so unatural.
The voices in my head calm,the voices of the others muffle, and I feel a rise in temperature.
It's not a sun,it's something else. This reminds me of that one song Kanade made, which we sung together.. I look back,my vision only now alarmingly blurry,I can't recognise their faces.
I made this ball of some sort of heat,from my emotions,from my feelings..I assume for Kanade.
"Ah.." an ache in my heart.
This isn't.. isn't.. I can't think..the heat is filling me..it's.. I can't... but I have to... so I continue walking with the hope of peace for my consciousness...
I groan weakly as a buckle down onto my knees, still looking ahead.. was this worth my health..? To discover what I really am? I am a ball of heat hidden in an empty, cold, weatherless place where it is inhabitable for long periods of time unless the person was adapted to be here,such as my...our.. vocaloids.
The flame inside me consumes me.