Work Text:
Isn’t it funny, how something invisible such as the concept of silence can still make its presence very physically known? If you were to feel the air around you, your hands would crash into nothing and yet you would still know that silence is there, behind you, in front of you. Wherever you are, it is there.
And you daren’t speak, for you fear what could happen once your voice penetrates the thick silence, splitting it in two. Would it react hostile? Its metaphorical icy cold hands, firmly gripping your throat and squeezing oh so tightly to prevent even a hiccup seeping from your vocal chords.
Ragatha was too afraid to find out. She didn’t like silence.
Silence meant someone was upset. Well, not really, but she wouldn’t know that now would she? The only silence she had ever been met with was used against her by her own mother. She feared doing wrong, because she would be either met with beration or ostracisation. She preferred neither.
The beration was pretty much as it seems. She had cleaned her mothers valuable ornaments once, but her poor butterfingers. She truly did try to catch the fragile furniture before it collided with the cold stone tiles on the ground before her, but she never truly was good at catching. The sound of the fragile ceramic pot crashing onto the ground knocked her unwaveringly sick, and the sound of some heel’s clicking very harshly against the ground growing louder and louder, hinting that she was getting closer.
Oh Ragatha saw stars.
The shrill voice of her mother rang throughout the room, Ragatha couldn’t see her. She couldn’t remember her face, a blessing in disguise really. She could never forget how her mothers voice pierced her heart achingly as she was reminded of every little flaw she had, reminding her of her privilege to be alive and fed with clothes on her back.
Her mother wasn’t wrong, she told herself, she had been provided what many cannot have. She could sit at the giant oak table, facing directly to a mother who won't look at her, a mother who seems disgusted to have her for a daughter and not someone as perfect, like the neighbouring farms daughter. But she would have a feast on the plate before her, and a neatly quilted bed awaiting her at nightfall.
Ragatha shouldn’t complain. She should be grateful.
And yet here she was, hidden in a little alcove away from everyone else in the circus. Surrounded by darkness and silence as her cheeks were wet with tears, the memory of her mother berating her beating her poor mind again again with horrible words such as ‘you deserve it’.
But her ever tormenting mind was not done, it had swapped from replaying the memory of her mothers verbal beatings and instead flashbanged her with the memory of when she was crying her heart out behind her mothers bedroom door. Screaming for someone to please rescue her as…
Ragatha’s hand subconsciously rubbed her scalp, her fingers tracing the roots of her yarned hair timidly. She could still feel the phantom pain. Mother didn’t take too kindly to a daughter who couldn’t look after her hair. No matter how difficult it may be.
She hated her hair.
The silence after that moment hurt, she remembered. Walking around with dried up tears in her eyes, walking past her mother several times. A mother who refused to acknowledge her. Sometimes the silence would take days, before the first words to finally come out of her mothers mouth were,
“Fix your bow.”
It all came from love, right?
Even Ragatha couldn’t kid herself anymore, as the tears relentlessly cascaded down her cheeks like a waterfall, soft yet high pitched hiccups echoing the area around her. She truly tried her best to suppress her feelings, like she had been taught. Always wear a dazzling smile, hold yourself strong yet remain elegant and fair. Never let the public know of your true feelings, no one wants to hear that.
Anything un-ladylike was uncouth.
She could only handle so much though, y’know? She was strong, she bottled it all in but her bottle is only so big and she couldn’t handle it anymore. She couldn’t even feel the twinge of a glitch run up her arm; she was that overrun with her emotions.
Everything hurt, her metaphorical body hurt, her heart hurt. She would do anything to make the pain go away from her forever. Her mind was so tired with everything that she didn’t even realise the eye that had opened up on her leg.
Give up
It was just one fleeting thought, Ragatha knew she was strong enough to not give in after all this time. Sure it has been a little difficult, and with Jax always around her…tormenting her. Her heart was ridden with guilt when she remembered the look on his face when they were stargazing. Her own suggestion too.
She couldn’t do anything without screwing up.
She hadn’t even meant Jax’s old friend, she hated Jax but she would never stoop as low as to bring up something so awful and close to him. No, she had meant herself, but he never read it that way. Even with apologising, Ragatha felt sick with guilt. She brought back some horrible memories for him, no wonder he hates her so passionately.
No wonder Pomni didn’t want to be friends with her! No wonder Gangle avoids her!
Give up
There it was again, a lot more comforting than last time it seems. Truly, would it be so bad to give in? Would there be any point in continuing? Ragatha thought to herself for a while, pondering on if her being around was even worth it for the cast. Was her positivity destroying the cast further? Would they thrive if they knew Ragatha had left them?
Would they even care to know?
Give up
Ragatha’s heart ached more, tears continuing to fall relentlessly as the voice inside her head telling her to give up was growing louder and louder. It would be easier to give up, to let the sweet embrace of insanity caress your mind and soul. Ragatha pondered more on the thought, finding comfort in being too far gone to care about her actions or how others perceived her.
And should her mother have a disgraced daughter then so be it. She was sure her mother would send her to a mental institute anyway, what difference would Caine’s abstraction pit really be?
Give up
It seemed so easy, a peace of mind if you will. So relaxed in fact, that Ragatha had finally stopped crying entirely. Her breathing had calmed down exponentially and she could finally think clearly.
Give up
Yes, that seemed right. That seemed like the best choice to make.
Give up
Finally free from judgement at last.
Give up
Give up
Give-
That final thought might’ve finished and spiralled her down into the deepest pits of hell if it hadn't been for the very rough feeling of a gloved hand slamming her throat against the wall behind her. It had shocked her to her very core and the force of it made her see stars dancing right in front of her eyes. It took Ragatha a good bit to gain her wits again and look at the one who shoved her so harshly in the first place.
The bunny bane of her life. Jax.
“What… are you doing…”
Her voice was rough, warbled. It shocked the dolly to her very core, catching her off guard at the harshness. This only caused the purple bunny to tut and shake his head.
“You’re such an idiot. Genuinely a moron”
Like knives through her heart, his words were. Did she truly deserve more berating? She figured the bunny didn’t care. He probably scouted her out just to dish out more hateful rhetorics. Ragatha let her head fall forward once more, she couldn’t really focus on the figure in front of her anymore. Everything was hazy.
The brightly coloured eyes on her arm looked pretty.
So mesmerising in fact that she didn’t even tune into Jax’s colourful chorus of swears, nor notice him sit down in front of her, completely at eye level.
“Ragatha”
He called out once, firmly and sternly. All hints of any teasing laced in his voice were now gone. The dolly did not respond, too enthralled by the eyes on her arms flashing bright colours. Jax, noticing he wasn’t breaking through, took a deep inhale and called out once more.
“Ragatha”
Glancing down at the eyes that had the ragdoll’s attention, he noticed them all look his way. It knocked him sick, flooding his mind with memories he would rather not think of. Despite this though, he knew that some attention was better than none.
As for the doll herself, she grew irritated that the eyes no longer were looking at her and instead had found something else to lie their attention on. Pity, she loved attention.
So she caved in, slowly inching her head up to look at Jax’s face. Her head lulled side to side loosely, but still remained focused on Jax. He needed to keep that attention.
So he held up one hand and one finger. He placed it on Ragatha’s nose. The look she gave him was a mix of confusion and aversion. She was understandably untrusting of him.
He pulled his finger away slowly, and then began waving it to her left and to her right. His eyes were entirely trained on her, watching her eye slowly follow the finger he was waving about with very visible confusion.
“Jax, why are you doing a cognitive test on me”
Her voice sounded better. Hoarse, yes, but better in the sense that it didn’t seem like she was going to burst into a giant black mass filled with eyes at any point.
“Incase you’re still sauced up from our fast food adventure, you had a neat little cluster of eyes on your arm, Dollface.”
He gestured to her arm with his own, his eyebrows raised high yet his eyes half lidded. Ragatha, in horror, looked down rapidly, twisting and turning her arms to see if there were anymore unsightly features plaguing her form.
Yet all that remained was one small blinking eye right where her elbow was. The rag doll squealed in disgust and began batting the eye away as if it were a mere bug. It glitched away with a couple of swipes, leaving nothing in its wake.
“Oh god…Oh god Jax I didn’t even notice I-”
She began panicking, checking her form all over out of complete paranoia. What scared her was how easy it would have happened if Jax hadn't snapped her out of her hazed state. Her mind was so at peace at that moment.
Jax hadn’t said a word. He let the redheaded dolly ramble to herself for a bit. That was until she started profusely apologising and he grew incredibly bored once again. Always with the apologies.
“Will you stop?! Jeez..”
Ragatha was silenced by the complaint in the rabbits voice. Watching him roll his eyes and face away from her, she frowned.
“I beg your pardon?”
Jax laid himself on the floor of the dark alcove hidden away from the other circus members. Though he didn’t think he was too hidden away from a certain all seeing ringmaster.
“You’re always saying sorry all the damn time. It’s annoying. Just shut up with it.”
He huffed, a small frown appearing on his face. Ragatha frowned too. Everyone was frowning now. Ragatha figured she’d rather be abstracted if he’s just going to get on her back. She decided to follow his footsteps and face away from him, huffing and burying her face in her arms.
A period of time went by, unmeasurable due to the circus’ weird depiction of time. But it was enough to make Jax feel uncomfortable with the thick silence. So with a growl, he was the first one to speak.
“I…worded my earlier words…wrong..”
It clearly pained him to admit something was his fault. It was enough for Ragatha to lift her head up from her arms and turn around to look at Jax in shock.
“...What?”
Ragatha responded, turning her body ever so slightly towards him.
“You heard me.”
He mumbled, looking everywhere else but the rag dolly. But it was clear she expected more of an explanation, her locked on stare towards him told him that. He scoffed and dragged his hands down the side of his face.
“You apologise way too much for the smallest thing. It makes the act of apologising way too watered down.”
Jax then looked around, before turning his body closer towards Ragatha.
“You mentioned something to do with your mother. And despite what popular belief may be, I’m not dumb”
Jax noticed the way her body flinched and went rigid with the mention of Ragatha’s mother. How could he not notice? He could pick up something like that from a mile off. He gave the rag doll a couple of minutes to think her thoughts, seeing her mind race from one thing to another by looking at her rapid eye movement. He needed to reassure her, and he was not good at that.
“Look…whatever your mother has done it’s….not an issue now.”
He spoke, looking down at his hands.
“She’s not here, right? This act she’s got you playing, you can drop it”
He told her. This caused the rag doll to shuffle her baby blue dress around and face Jax completely. Perched on her knees, with her hands placed neatly on her thighs.
“I…don’t think I can”
She whispered to him, seeing the way his eyebrow raised made her feel small. It was just an eyebrow raise, how did it hold that much power over her? Her head dropped down low instinctively, instant submission.
“Look at me face to face Ragatha”
Jax commanded, genuinely taken aback at how quickly Ragatha snapped her head up. Rushing to right a non-existent wrong.
“You are aware that you have as much power over me as I do you? Everyone at the circus views you as an equal.”
She was silent, this was the nicest he had been to her in a very long time. He was reminding her of her authority, she feared for if she spoke, he would stop and resort back to the low and petty insults he so loved to throw around. She knew what he was saying was right, but it had been far too long it felt wrong to not appease everyone around her.
Her continued silence upset Jax.
“Aren’t you ever tired of being someone else's doormat?! You make it so easy for me to just point out anything to you. But you don’t yell, you don’t snap! It’s infuriating!”
Jax threw his arms up, his face holding more of an angered expression than usual but this one did not hurt Ragatha like it normally would. She could tell that this one was aimed at nothing but the space in between the two, and nothing else. Jax inhaled sharply, and let out the breath slowly, looking right at the rag doll with intense sincerity.
“When you snapped, during the baseball game, I think that was the first time in a very long time that I saw the true Ragatha.”
He began, causing Ragatha to blink aimlessly. The rapid tonal shifts were making her a little dizzy, was this her therapy session or his?
“I kinda wish Pomni didn’t interfere because I thought I was finally getting to talk to you genuinely. And then, you apologised once more”
The two were staring at each other intensely, one listener and one speaker.
“That apology felt different. It felt sincere because you knew you needed to apologise. Not because you felt it was right. I’m guessing…anyway…”
He trailed off at the end, breaking the eye contact the two had in a moment of weakness. Ragatha knew he was spot on. Growing up, apologising was a very good way of deflecting anything. Ragatha had learned to use it in any opportunity to deflect anything negative. Adults so loved apologies, it meant they were right and you were wrong.
“About…that thing earlier…I-”
“Please don’t say sorry again, anything but sorry”
Ragatha, being caught out before realising what she was doing, giggled at him. A genuine giggle, it made the corners of Jax’s mouth twitch upwards ever so slightly. The sonorous sound of happiness didn’t stay long though, Ragatha went back to looking sad.
Jax didn’t like overly positive Ragatha, but he was quickly realising that sad Ragatha wasn’t to his tastes either.
“I truly didn’t mean to bring back those memories..”
Ragatha mumbled softly. Jax almost didn’t catch it.
“Oh…don’t worry about it.”
“I honestly was on about…well y’know…us…and-”
“Ragatha”
“When you gave me that look and I realised that's how you interpreted it, I felt sosososo bad-”
Poor Ragatha, she’d gone spiralling again.
“Ragatha, I don’t want to talk about it!”
Jax snapped, his voice loud and harsh which caused the plush doll to jump in shock. She so badly wanted to immediately apologise, but bit her tongue from doing so. All she could do was stare at the bunny wide eyed. Jax himself had his eyes locked on the floor once more.
“I was harsh”
Was all he muttered to her, Ragatha knew that was his form of an apology. She inched herself closer to Jax, so that they were instead shoulder to shoulder. She rested her head on Jax’s shoulder, and surprisingly he didn’t make an attempt to move her. The two stayed there for a good bit, feeling each other's slow intake of the non-existent air in the circus.
There was a time the two could’ve done this anywhere at any time and it wouldn’t look out of place. A time before Gangle and Zooble and Pomni. A time that only Kinger would remember, and there would be more chances of Caine abstracting than Kinger remembering anything.
Jax lamented on how easy it was for him to feel comforted with the rag doll resting on his shoulder, he had built his walls strong and firm, but she somehow always managed to find his weak spot immediately. The quiet was peaceful, enjoyable. No sound to break this kind of quiet, for you would not want it disturbed.
Ragatha was happy to discover that a positive silence exists.
A few more minutes went by. Jax had his eyes closed and Ragatha remained with her head buried neatly in the crook of the bunnies neck. A question was burning the rag dolls mind though, a question she desperately sought an answer to. Even if it had meant she needed to break the sweet embrace this peaceful silence had provided.
“Do you ever think we could…go back…to how we were?”
Her voice was timid, wobbly. She was ready for the answer, no matter how sensitive she may feel for it, but her heart yearned for even the smallest of hopes to return to how they were. It was an easier time, with less things to worry about. But the silence from Jax worried her.
Had she overstepped a boundary again?
“Jax?”
She prodded, the oncoming silence once again wrapping its deathly hands around her petit neck. Please…just one answer? One word?
“No…”
Well, she wished for an answer. Her head dropped low once more, swallowing a sob that threatened to leave her throat. She understood his answer, but it didn’t make it any less hurtful. How could it go back to how it was?
“Not without starting completely over”
Jax had added on, catching the attention of the ragdoll once more. What did he mean by that? She hadn’t noticed him stand up and turn his body to her, she was too busy focused on deciphering whatever Jax meant. Jax, however, spotted her staring in one spot and racking her brain so hard he swore he saw steam seep from her ears. Giving the sight a bit of a chuckle, he coughed extra loud and extra obvious to catch her attention.
Ragatha, now out of her serious thinking phase, looked up to Jax with a raised brow before jumping back at the hand he thrust in her face.
“Jax? What are you-”
“Pleasure to meet you! My name is Jax, what is yours?”
Ragatha blinked once, and once again. It was after the third blink, however, that it had finally clicked in Ragatha’s head. He genuinely, actually meant starting ‘completely over’. They were back to the introductory phase of their relationship. The unseriousness of it all actually made her laugh. Full blown belly laughter, she was rolling on the floor in stitches (no pun intended). Jax was huffy, here he was trying to be serious and putting into the effort to attempt being friends again, and here was Ragatha giggling like a giddy school girl over it. Honestly, the stuff he did for some people.
But, just as he was about to pull his arm away, he felt a soft plush hand grasp it delicately.
“My name is Ragatha. It most certainly is a pleasure.”