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“Livy, every day since you got here I have done one thing. On the good days, and the bad ones,” she knew without him saying it the worst of the days in question. The day Edward’s letter arrived in the post. “Or any of the days in between. I have thanked God that He brought you to me. You and that baby. That I have the honor of having you in my life. That you are my wife.” His voice broke on the words, and it broke her heart.
She had to look away. Tears that had been building behind her eyes slipped out with a silent sob.
She didn’t deserve this. She hadn’t deserved to be banished here, shamefully hidden away from the judgmental eyes of her father’s congregation. Thrown away with the rest of her potential she’d wasted.
Edward had used her. He’d never really cared for her, let alone loved her. He’d seen how vulnerable she’d been after losing her mother, had decided to prey upon her grief, her loneliness. Taken what a man like Ray never would have.
If he hadn’t talked her into the dates, then the drinks, then into his hotel room… She’d never had let him touch her like that. Never would have thought of doing what she’d let him do to her that night.
She had been too smart to believe a word he’d spoken, should have been able to see right through him. Even so, she hadn’t deserved the lies he sold her.
But most of all, she didn’t deserve this. Ray.
She never could have imagined a man like Ray existed. She only knew men like her father, distant and authoritarian, or ones like Edward, suave and full of empty promises.
Not warm and gentle like she’d found her now husband to be. Ray, whose eyes shined with pride when he told folks in church that they were expecting. Ray, who’d jumped at the chance to go out of his way, to mess up the routine she now knew he had, the first full day she’d been here to bring her to the library in La Junta just because she mentioned she liked to read.
She’d first thought Ray simple. But since that initial assessment, she’d quickly come to realize that was completely incorrect. He wasn’t simple-minded, or unintelligent. He was just settled in his ways, strong in his values. And kind-hearted. A true Christian, unlike any she’d ever heard speak in her father’s church.
Ray was wholly uncomplicated. To such a point, that it confused her. She’d spent months trying to see beyond his cover, figure out his true motives for marrying her.
But there were none. She’d waited. Waited and waited for him to finally turn on her. Decide enough was enough. That he was done with accepting her coldness, her rejection, her distance.
But that day never came. And now she finally knew in her heart that it never would have. She didn’t believe she would find that surety anywhere else in the world. There were not many other men who would open up their lives, their homes, do everything he had been able to think of to make her comfortable, safe, and happy. Even fewer that would do so with no expectations placed on her.
She was the only thing in the way. In their way. She knew who he was, his goodness.
He deserved love as pure as he gave. She wasn’t close to confident she was capable of giving him that. That she would ever be capable of it. For him. Even for the baby. For anyone.
She wanted to be.
She wanted to be worthy of his love. Even if she never got there, she wanted to try to be. To be enough. To love him enough. To forgive herself like he had before he’d even laid eyes on her.
She wanted to.
And maybe, for now, that could be enough.