Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Happy birthday, Subaru!!”

“…Uh. It’s not my birthday,” Subaru looked around the whole table, eyeing all the individuals with wary and concern, “Also. How the hell am I here?”

Natsuki Subaru was currently sitting at his worst nightmare.

It was the witch’s tea party once again. In that accursed Castle of Dreams.

He glared at the most likely person responsible for his predicament.

“Don’t look at me with such eyes, unfortunately, I was not the one who came up with the idea to drag you into this world once more. However, I wasn’t exactly against it either,” the Witch of Greed said with a calm smile and a shrug of the shoulders.

“Wait then why- “

“Baru! Come here, it’s my turn first,” the little Witch of Pride grabbed Subaru’s hand and started dragging him off his chair.

The little girl was stronger than she looked as she easily pulled him off, the boy helpless, “Wait, wait, wait! You haven’t explained what’s happening yet?!”

“Hmm? You don’t know? It’s playtime, Baru!”

What? Playtime?

Like with dolls?

Still dragging him on the grass, she finally stopped at a small square section of bare dirt. Within that section were three wooden boxes: each one labeled with a different letter of I-script.

Subaru brushed off the grass and dirt from his tracksuit and was now looking everywhere confused, “Uh Phon-phon?”

The little girl walked over and pulled out several animal-like dolls from one of the boxes, before deciding to just dump the whole box onto the ground, before flipping it over and placing it upside down.

She then did the same with the other two: one of them had a small toy hammer and the other had a small toy briefcase.

With now a triangle of upside-down boxes set up, she then pulled the boy’s foot, making him fall again, before dragging him towards one of the boxes.

“Oh-kay, Baru! This is your spot. You’re going to be the defendant today,” she said while pointing at him, she then pointed to herself, “And I’m going to be the prosecutor! We’re going to play Judgement Day!”

The dots started connecting finally, “Ah, so we’re playing pretend lawyers or something. Okaaaay.”

Despite Subaru’s bafflement about the current circumstances, he didn’t mind playing with the little girl a little bit before getting some answers.

It’s just playing pretend right? What’s the worst that can happen?

“Where were you on the 18^th, two months ago?!” Typhon said as she slammed her hands onto the box.

…This was not just play pretend.

Before Subaru could say anything, Typhon continued, “Not fessing up?! Alright. Let’s go over the facts. You, Natsuki Subaru. AKA: Baru. AKA: Tella and Dona’s favorite person. AKA: Womanizer Extreme. Have committed several wrongdoings. Specifically, multiple forms of adultery!”

“I have not!” Subaru didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but he knew one thing for sure, he would never cheat on his Emilia-tan!

“Oho? Then what… is this?!” She opened the briefcase and scattered multiple photos onto the dirt floor in front of them. Standing up and walking over, she carefully picked up one of the photos and showed it off to him. It was a picture of him kissing Emilia.

“Exhibit A! Your illicit affair with the Tella but not Tella girl!”

“That is in no way illicit! Nor an affair! Emilia-tan and I have a completely normal relationship!!”

Okay maybe not actually normal. Subaru was still waiting for her to respond to his confession. But he knew she had some sort of feelings for him, and he knew that they hadn’t done anything perverted yet. Their relationship was wholesome, and innocent and he will not be slandered for things he did not do!

“Really? Then how does that explain this! Exhibit B: “

It was a picture of Subaru holding hands with Rem.

Subaru stared at the picture.

He then stared at Typhon who was acting very smug.

He then stared at the picture again.

“I can explain.”

He, in fact, could not explain shit.

“And what about these: Exhibits C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M- “

“How many are there?!”

“N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V!”

Typhon gathered and dumped a bunch more photos on top of Subaru’s box.

The boy eyed each one before they started to bulge out of his sockets.

“Wait a minute,” he picked up some and narrowed his eyes at them, “These are just random photos of me with people I know! Look, this has Otto! And there’s Ram! Hey, why is the appa guy there?”

Typhon ignored him, “This is evidence of your countless affairs over the last decade!”

“…Typhon. I’ve only been here for one year.”

“Then how does that explain your children with other women Baru?!”

She picked up a photo to emphasize the point.

Subaru’s eyes were dead.

He slowly grabbed the photo, rotated it around and waved it in her face, “That. Is Anastasia. And that is a fifteen-year-old girl named Mimi. She looks nothing like either of us.”

Typhon ignored him for a second time, “How does that explain your other affairs?” She pointed at another picture.

Subaru looked down. He picked up the picture. He started rubbing the bridge of his nose while turning it around for Typhon to see,

“…THAT’S JULIUS!” Subaru threw his hands in the air.

It was a picture of Julius lovingly beating the shit out of Subaru with a wooden sword.

“Yes, your most tenuous love affair…”

Subaru was losing his mind, “I. Am. Not! Having an affair with Julius of all people!”

Typhon was resolute, “But Baru! He touched you inappropriately!”

Subaru’s mind froze as he felt like a record screeched to a halt somewhere.

“Say what now?”

Typhon had an incredible grimace, “Baru…we saw what he did to you at the castle. He gave you multiple bad touches…if you aren’t having an affair with him…I need to bring him here for judgement!”

Subaru stared at her, trying his best not to have a mental breakdown, “…Typhon. Who taught you this?”

Achoo!

Back at the tea party, a certain white-haired witch sneeze adorably.

2 hours later.

Subaru slammed his hands onto the box, “So as you can see! I was nowhere near Julius, nor Otto, nor Kadomon on those days. In fact, I was in a committed and monogamous, but not confirmed, semi-relationship with my Emilia-tan and was partaking in wholesome dates that only involved handholding and smooches at most. I was not, in fact, cheating on her with various people. Some of which are actually married!”

He had spent the last two hours proving to the little Witch of Pride that he was not in fact sleeping with all of his acquaintances and friends. He also spent most of the time convincing Typhon that he was not in a vapid love affair with Julius that started when hate at first sight morphed into love as he got the shit kicked out of him.

It took all of his mental strength to not allow Typhon to think Julius touched men inappropriately with his wooden sword.

Like all of his strength.

Actually, Subaru wasn’t quite sure if Julius’s orientation swung that way. I mean the guy is pretty, he should be drowning in marriage proposals. Maybe he’s just not into women like that…now Subaru feels bad for assuming. Maybe he’ll ask Julius next time he sees him. Help a brother out.

Julius felt a tingle in his spine. For some reason, he really was not looking forward to seeing Subaru anytime soon.

“Hmmm…” the little girl scratched her chin, “I concede to your points.”

Subaru let out a relieved sigh, which was cut off by Typhon slamming her hands on the box for the sixtieth time in a row.

“However! You haven’t explained one last thing. What is your relationship with the clown that really likes Dona for some reason?!”

Subaru raised an eyebrow, “Ros-chi? I mean, we’re chill. Like worker and boss type of relationship.”

Typhon slammed another photo onto the table, it was a picture of Subaru and Roswaal.

Naked. In the bathroom. With only towels covering them.

Subaru stared at the photo.

…I’m going to kill Echidna.

2 more hours later.

Subaru was now lying face first on the ground. Incredibly tired.

Typhon was giggling while putting her toys away, “That was so fun Baru!”

It was not exactly fun for Subaru to cross-examine a clown’s romantic preferences.

Sorry Ros. The final conclusion is that you’re secretly a child toucher.

It was the only way to explain the clown barging into the bathroom and not leaving when he found it occupied.

It was either that or explaining other possibilities.

And he was not explaining that to a child.

4 hours of this. And I still don’t know what is going on. Also, what is that smell and why is it so delicious?

“Subaruuuun~…. It’s snack time.”

Subaru’s head sprung up. He looked around. No longer was there any boxes or toys to be seen. Instead.

There was food.

Like a lot of food. Everything Subaru could think of. Pasta, seafood, steak, McDonald-

Wait why is McDonalds there? Where the fuck did she get that?

Logo and everything. Bags of them. Fries sticking out at the top.

Seriously, how?

By she, he means the Witch of Gluttony named Daphne, who was rattling in her little weird centipede coffin thing.

It kept walking back and forth, wobbling side to side as Subaru stared at her, “Uh. Hey Daph. So, this is- “

“Snack time.”

“-snack time. Yeah. Okay. Sure,” Subaru said as he got up and walked over to what he was 99% sure was a Big Mac.

He shrugged as he unwrapped it, “Well, I am hungry,” taking a bite.

It was good. Kind of made him tear up from memories of home.

He turned back, “I gotta seriously ask, how did you find a way… to…where the hell did all the food go?”

Subaru found an alarming amount of absolutely nothing.

When there should have been metric tons of food littered everywhere.

BURP!

That came from the little gluttonous witch who was drooling from the mouth.

“Subaruuun. Are you going to need help finishing that, haa~?” The drool was becoming a waterfall.

Subaru slowly pointed behind him, she nodded rapidly.

“…Sure. I guess.”

“Alright, just look here,” Daphne started lifting her blindfold off.

“Wait no, stop-“

Subaru blacked out.

He later woke up with all the food gone.

His stomach grew three sizes that day.

Also, he was missing his arms.

And legs.

And his liver for some reason.

“Thanks, Minny I, uh, owe you one,” he said as he stretched his newly fixed limbs and liver, “So can you please finally tell me what’s going on?”

“First! Let me ask you: what is the best way to relieve stress?!”

“…I have an answer, but I really don’t want to say it.”

The witch ignored him, which was becoming an increasingly annoying habit by all of them, “Second! What is the best way to burn off fat?!”

“I also have an answer for that…I really don’t want to say that one either.”

“The answer?” She pulled a bat from literally nowhere, “Beating your worries away!”

Subaru’s eyes were starting to hurt from staring at crazy women in disbelief all day, “…Aren’t you against violence?”

She swinged the bat in the air, “Violence that doesn’t hurt anyone is good violence! Here, you try.”

She handed the bat off to Subaru as he looked around, “Okay, so what do I hit?”

“That,” she pointed at a shadow that just appeared out of nowhere.

Subaru squinted. At first, it didn’t have any obvious shape and then suddenly it took form into, “Julius?!”

Well, kind of.

It looked like a caricature of Julius with buck teeth and a bad back. Unfortunately, even his caricature looked handsome.

“Yep, now hit it hard!”

“Uh,” Subaru scratched his head, “I don’t really know if I want to. I know he and I have our differences…but I don’t want to hurt him that bad- “

“When you weren’t looking, I kissed Emilia.”

Subaru’s neck creaked as he sharply glared at the figure in cold fury. He then paused and turned his head back to the Witch of Wrath, eyes confused.

“Ah, Dona added that. She said it might help motivate you.”

Subaru’s mouth moved in a nonverbal, Ah.

He then patted the bat and got into a swing position, “Well. Might as well work out that pent up aggression from the duel, finally. Sorry Fake Julius. Ya gotta die. No hard feelings.”

“Your knighthood is a sham. You are a terrible Spirit Arts User. Emilia is ug- “

SLAM!

For the next 30 minutes, only wonderous violence could be heard.

“Alright…” Subaru gasped for breath and threw the bat away, “What’s next? That’s what this is, isn’t it? Playdates with all of you? It’s either Dona, Metty, or Carmy next. So, which is it?”

“Subaru! It’s my turn. It’s reaaaaally good to see you!”

The boy froze. He knew that voice.

He turned his head and saw the love of his life standing right there.

Emilia.

“…Carmy, you know you don’t have to do that.”

“What are you talking ab- “

“Carmy.”

“…S-sorry Su,” the half-elf shifted back into the pink bundle of nerves that was the Witch of Lust.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, but uh, why the whole Emilia thing? You know that doesn’t work on me anymore, right?”

Carmilla started poking her fingers together, “Uh, I thought you might have wanted your feelings to be returned finally. S-so I wanted to maybe give you a preview is all…” she said softly.

Subaru ran his fingers through his hair, “Aw. It’s fine Carmy. I can wait for the real Emilia-tan. So, do you wanna do anything else?”

“…I didn’t think of a backup plan…” the girl looked dejected.

Subaru whistled and tapped his foot, he then snapped his fingers, “Wanna just knit something, we can make each other scarves?”

The girl lit up like a Christmas tree, “Y-yes, that sounds wonderful! Let’s do that.”

Subaru spent the next hour and a half knitting with the Witch of Lust.

It was the calmest moment he had had the entire day.

“Hell no.”

“Oh, come now, I won’t bite,” Echidna waved her hand in the air, gesturing to Subaru to sit down next to her at the table, “My turn is simple. Whatever you desire, you just have to ask fo-hey! Where are you going?! Come back!”

Subaru was walking away, only to turn his head, tired, “If this is another one of your tricks, I ain’t playing.”

Echidna waved her hands in the air, “No tricks. No plans. No experiments. This is your day, not mine.”

Subaru side-eyed her for a few seconds before sighing, he then made his way back and sat down. Around his neck was a pink scarf, with some stitches and miscolored patches here and there.

“So, mind telling me finally what’s going on here finally?”

“Well, let me answer that question, with another question- “

“Okay I’m leaving- “

“Alright, alright. I won’t tease you anymore. As for your question, it’s simple. The Witches and I chose to give you a nice night off.”

“…That’s it?”

“Yes. Nothing else.”

Subaru put his feet on the table, “I don’t believe you.”

The Witch of Greed shrugged, “Is it that hard to believe that we care for you?”

“Besides you, maybe. Either way, it’s been months since I’ve seen you guys. I thought you disappeared after we left Sanctuary. What gives?”

“Ah, well, that’s a secret. It isn’t a secret that would matter to you anyway. But we decided to check up on you finally and realized that you’ve been working a good amount recently. Training, working, studying. So, all of us wanted to give you a pleasant dream to soothe your aching bones.”

Subaru felt slightly touched, however, “As much as I want to say thank you, it’s been more of a nightmare this whole time than anything. Stress relieving. But still nightmarish.”

Echidna chuckled, “What did you expect, we are Witches. It is our very nature. Despite our good intentions, mayhem follows. It is fate.”

“…Alright, so what’s your schtick? Are we doing an experiment for you? Debating something? Teaching me lost knowledge?”

Echidna’s head rocked back and forth in thought, “While those would be quite fun, I do not believe they would be fun for you. As I said, today is your day. And as it is your day, I shall give you three wishes. Think of it as akin to your homeland’s stories about genies.”

Subaru was immediately suspicious, “This isn’t a monkey’s paw type of deal, is it?”

The greedy witch laughed, “Hahaha! You really have no faith in me, you certainly have a habit of breaking hearts, don’t you? But no. No complications. No side-effects. 100% risk free. Anything you desire, I shall do for you.”

Subaru thought for a moment, “…”

“…Even if it’s my body- “

“Never. Ever ever. Ever!”

The girl pouted and blew air, muttering, “Don’t have to be that disgusted with the idea…”

Subaru thought for a few moments before finally, “I want you to visit Beako sometime. If you can do it for me, you can do it for her, can’t you?”

The witch raised an eyebrow, “My my, I should have expected this, but I am always surprised by you, Subaru. But yes. I can. Now, altruism aside, what else do you desire?”

“Talk to Roswaal too.”

Echidna was double surprised, “Really? Him? He wouldn’t benefit from me visiting.”

Subaru shook his head, “Yeah, he said something about you not being the real her. Still though. It would be good for him to get a reality check. The guy is a dirtbag…but he needs to get something for all of this. Whether it’s you giving him a moment of reprieve or telling him to give up, I don’t care which. Maybe then he’ll give Ram the time of day…though Big Sis definitely deserves better than him.”

Echidna smiled, “Always thinking of others, never about yourself. Please tell me that the third wish caters to you.”

“Kind of. Please be nicer to Em- “

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh, come on! You can’t be that petty. What did she even do to you?”

“Exist.”

“You said I can wish for anything.”

Echidna, for the first time, looked genuinely annoyed, “Anything but that one.”

Subaru sighed, “Man, I do not understand you sometimes…fine. Keep visiting me once in a while.”

Echidna’s eyes widened, “Didn’t you say this whole experience was nightmarish?”

“Yeah,” Subaru adjusted in his seat and looked up into the sky, hands behind his head, “But that’s only a part of what I felt. I didn’t mind playing with Phon-phon, or eating with Daph, or exercising with Minnie, or chilling with Carmy. Hell, I don’t even mind talking with you. It must get lonely just talking to the same people all the time. So, come by once in a while. Maybe we can make this a regular thing.”

Echidna gazed at him with an unreadable expression, “…You never cease to amaze me Natsuki Subaru. Very well, I shall honor your wishes.”

Subaru got up and cracked his neck, “So last one is Metty, right? Where is she?”

“Over…here,” a lazy voice said behind him.

A large bountiful woman was currently curled up on the ground, lounging and looking like she was on the cusp of dreamland.

Subaru skipped over, “Let me guess. Naptime?”

“You… know… it,” she opened her arm slowly, gesturing to him to lay down next to her.

Subaru obliged, getting down on his hands and knees before lying on his back.

“…”

“…”

“…So, how does this work even? Because I’m sleeping technically, how do I sleep twice? Do I dream twice? Is there a second Castle of Dreams? I hope not. That would be tri-hey, MMPH!”

Sekhmet grabbed him with invisible force and tucked him into her bountiful mountains, “Just…sleep…no more thoughts…”

“MMMMPH!!!”

If Subaru could make coherent words, you would hear, “OH MY GOD SHE SMELLS LIKE YEAR OLD GARBAGE. MIXED WITH VOMIT! AND A DEAD BODY! PLEASE GET ME AWAY FROM HER I THINK IM GOING TO PASS OUT. I CAN’T BREATHE!!”

Struggling against her immense strength, he twisted and turned. Trying to dislodge himself from smelly death.

Until he finally blacked out.

“…I love you.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…Thank you. Thank you for being alive. For being here. For being someone I cherish. For being someone who has made a difference in my life. In so many people’s lives. Thank you for trying. For continuing when it’s hard. Thank you for being a shining light, for me and everyone else. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for existing. And thank you for continuing to exist, even when you didn’t want to. Thank you…for allowing me to love you.”

“…”

“I love you. Natsuki Subaru.”

“You know he can’t hear you bitch,” Echidna’s voice rang from behind.

A mass of shadows and miasma was currently cradling the brightest black star’s head. She was running her hands through his hair as he slept peacefully on her lap.

“…That’s okay. Even if he doesn’t know I’m here, as long as he enjoyed himself, that is enough.”

“Um, I think Su k-knew what was going on from the start.”

Satella turned her head slightly, she saw all of the Witches of Sin gathered behind her.

Typhon raised a thumbs-up, “Baru really looked like he was enjoying himself while talking about his friends!”

The Witch of Pride had a light blue scarf with a gavel stitched onto it around her neck.

Daphne drooled slightly but smiled widely, “Subaruun enjoyed his meals from home…uahh, I think we should make more for him again.”

The Witch of Gluttony had a dark green scarf with sharp teeth laced all over it, wrapped around her eyes.

Minerva did tricks with her new bat, “He got a lot of pent up aggression out. Next time, he should be able to talk to people without any awkwardness!”

The Witch of Wrath had a dark blue scarf with pink hearts wrapped around her waist.

Echidna clicked her tongue, “As much as I hate to praise you, skank, it wasn’t a bad idea. The boy looked relieved when I agreed to his demands.”

The Witch of Greed had a black and white scarf with emerald butterflies wrapped around her neck.

Sekhmet yawned, “He…looks peaceful.”

The Witch of Sloth had a maroon-colored scarf with large black ‘Z’s’ all over it, resting on her face as she fell asleep.

“A-and, I don’t think he forgot about you, at all,” Carmilla walked over and held out a bundle of cloth.

The Witch of Lust was wearing an orange scarf with seven white stars clustered at an end.

“…” The Witch of Envy picked up the scarf made for her. It was silver, with a black and orange star at the center, she smiled.

She patted the boy on the head, “…Thank you once again Subaru. Please. Always remember, I love you. Everyone does. And always will.”

Within the Mather’s mansion, as many within slept soundly, there was one boy sleeping without a care in the world.

Usually, he would be wracked with nightmares and panic attacks routinely. But this night was different. Tonight, his sleep was sound, as he slept calmly and without any fear, right next to his beloved spirit partner.

And right next to his bed, was a particular pink-haired clone, Omega, idly combing his hair, while singing a lullaby.

His dreams will be filled with fun and love tonight.

And just as he requested, two others within the mansion will be visited, and given what they’ve always wanted.

Rest soundly.

Sleep well.

And always remember, you are loved and cared for.

Thank you, for being alive.