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James Potter was a smart kid, no one could deny that.
When he was younger he loved learning, following his father to learn potion making and his mother to learn spells. He'd begged his mother to enroll him in muggle schools and after some pleading she'd relented and signed him up for courses to catch him up to his grade level the summer he was seven. That year he joined a nearby school where, despite him not having education for the past few years, he was top of his class. Even if that wasn't a terribly huge achievment in second grade, he was thrilled.
Not only that but adults showered him with attention and praise. It was a constant stream of "you're so smart for your age" or "my goodness aren't you just a little genius" or "you're going to do such great things when your older" or "aren't you just so mature." And James thrived on it. Studying through the next summer when school came around the next year he managed to test so high they bumped him to the next grade level.
He was nearly dissapointed when his Hogwarts letter came but when his mother promised they could go buy the next two years of Hogwarts textbooks his science homework got swept into the trash and forgotten. By time he'd gotten to Hogwarts he'd inhaled half the semester's materials and convinced his father to let him bring specialty potion ingredients to keep practicing complex potions.
Then he met Sirius Black and realized there was an entirely knew world of knowledge to discover. How to be popular. And just like everything else he'd done before, he threw himself into it.
Make jokes. Establish a signature look. Finding that careful line between sass and disrespect and use it like a jumping rope to make the teachers love him. Pranks.
First year he excelled. Got all Es and Os on his assignments and tests. Collected friends like trading cards. Became known throughout the school for being able to charm teachers and older students alike, for being both mature and so adorably innocent. His and Sirius's pranks became the things of staff's nightmares.
Going home that summer and showing off his sucess felt amazing. His parents praised his hard work, at family reunions it was all talk of what he'd do when he grew older, and best of all, he was able to do some muggle schoolwork his mother had surprised him with. Even she wasn't quite sure what was going on when he proudly showed her the sheets of math and his carefully labeled and broken down sentences.
Second brought new fun. Quittich
First years hadn't been allowed to join the team but that year he'd been first to tryouts. He'd been learning to ride a broom since he could toddle around and he was confident in his skills, rightly so. He blew the competition away and by the end of the year he was the talk of the school, Gryffendor's quittich star and child prodegy.
Third year was were he learned about girls. How to flirt, how to catch any girl he wanted. It was innocent, giggly kisses behind tapestries and sickeningly sweet love notes passed in class. And just knowing that he was one of the most successful guys in Hogwarts made him giddy, even if the girls themselves didn't mean much to him.
That summer he stopped doing muggle homework, it was boring and none of it was easy anymore. Besides, he didn't need it anyways, what was the harm in quitting. Instead he focused on the muggle magazines Sirius had hidden in his trunk full of bikes and women and cigarettes and Remus's vinyls he'd lent him for the summer. His parents exchanged a look when they asked him about it and he just said school was stupid.
Fourth year brought Lily. She was one of the girls he hadn't bothered with the year before but when he spotted her at the beginning of the year feast he knew that's who he wanted to spend his life with. But she was practically a brick wall. She had no interest in him at all, something he originally found baffling then slowly slipped into the territory of absolutely infuriating. Sirius offered to help him woo her and Remus and Peter both offered quiet advice but he ignored both. He didn't need help, he'd never needed help before in his life, he could handle this.
But he couldn't.
James quickly became deeply familiar with rejection and disapointment. Lily would reject him and he'd try harder, neglecting his schoolwork. His grades would slip and he'd panic at the look on his teachers face and their gentle "you're so smart James, you just need to focus." Staying in to study made his friends resentful when he wouldn't participate in pranks anymore. To make up for it he'd skip quittich practice to hang out with them, then spiral when his captain pulled him aside to ask why his preformance was slipping. It just got worse and worse until it was the end of term and his grades were the lowest they'd ever been but he just wanted to cry with relief that it was over.
Summer was miserable.
He locked himself in his room for hours, just to lay in bed. His parents kept trying to ask him what was going on, if he needed help, but he just ignored them. He was fine on his own, he could handle it, he just needed a break. The worst was the summer family reunion when one of his distant aunts asked how school was doing. He just froze, staring at her until he hurried away under a mumbled excuse.
By time fifth year rolled around he thought he had figured it out. He had planners, notebooks, study plans, all the things that teachers had recommended the year before to help keep him on track, at his best. It worked, for a little. But then Peter made a comment about how he was trying too hard with the planners and how his constant checking and rechecking made him seem nurotic. Ever one to please, James tossed them in the trash the very same night.
His grades tanked again and he missed so many quittich practices he got benched. He tried to plan again to get him back on track but every time he looked at his slowly growing list of things to do it made him want to cry. Lily was still rejecting him but now girls in her friend group whispered and giggled as he went past.
He started staying up to finish assignments but then he got detention for sleeping in class. Leaving his friends for quittich practice got him back to playing in games but made them shoot him hurt glances the next morning. Ignoring Lily made the whispers grow worse but now he caught words like "stuck up"and "faker." Even Lily seemed a little hurt and disapointed.
Assignments piled up, his friends asked far too many questions. Professor Mcgonagle even called him into her office to have a talk. He just stared at the floor and tried not to cry as she probed if there was something going on with his friends, maybe with his family. Then she just sighed. "You're so, so smart Mr. Potter. I hate to see someone with so much potential let it go to waste. Just try a little harder to apply yourself, I know you can do it."
He used to love people calling him smart, telling him he could do great things. Now it just made him feel sick.
Just make it til summer, that's all he had to do.
And he tried, merlin did he try. An older student introduced him to coffee and suddenly he was able to stay awake at night and do his homework, then just drink cups of coffee to stay awake. He started flirting with Lily again but toned it down a little and got most of the whispering to stop and Lily would smile when they talked. He started pulling pranks again, using the newly created map and the invisibility cloak his dad had sent him for Christmas to stay out of detention. He was back to being best on the quittich team and in line to be captain next year when theirs gradulated.
It was fine. He was fine. He was doing great.
And then it all came crashing down.
He was finishing an essay when Sirius walked in and perched on his bed. "Prongs?" James didn't look up from his writing on the desk but hummed in response. "Would you come to Hogsmead with us this Saturday?"
"Can't Pads. I've got quittich and then a potions assignment and history of magic essay."
"Come on," Sirius let out a whine. "You never come to hogsmead. You hardly ever come anywhere. Its all school and quittich and that blasted Evans girl. It's one Saturday."
"I can't!" He didn't realize his hand had hit the desk until the terrified look in Sirius's eyes registered. Glancing down he saw that his ink well had splattered across the page. In two seconds he'd managed to scare the shit out of his best friend and ruin two hours of work.
There was dead silence for a moment before he just burst into sudden tears. Sirius was frozen for a moment as his sobs turned so vicious he went silent, unable to breathe or see properly through his tears. Slowly, he stood and came to crouch in front of James.
"Hey, Jamie, what's going on?" He tried to speak but it just came out as a whine and his hands went up to grip his hair. "Alright, it's alright. You wanna move to a bed?" Nodding, James let Sirius pull him to his feet and half carry him to the nearest bed. His head spun as his lungs refused to pull in oxygen and his legs buckled as they reached the bed.
"Okay, James, you've gotta listen to me. You need to breathe. Can you try to breathe with me please?" He took a loud deep breath as he slowly detangled James's hands from his hair. He just cried harder but Sirius kept breathing and held his hands as he struggled to follow along.
After a few minutes he finally managed to get enough air to manage words. "I can't."
"That's okay, you don't need to. It's okay if you can't come." Shaking his head, James tried to yank his hands away.
"I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!" His voice rose in pitch and he managed to pull one of his hands free to tangle in his hair. "I can't!" His voice broke and he yanked hard before breaking into sobs again.
Swearing softly, Sirius kept his grip on James's on hand while he tried to untangle his death grip on his hair with the other. "Jamie, Jamie, you gotta let go, you're hurting yourself."
"I can't, I cant!" He was vaugely aware that he was definitely yelling by now but he couldn't stop himself. After a moment of struggle Sirius managed to get his hand out of his hair and James just screamed.
Somewhere in his mind he registered that Sirius was crying while he held him in place but the only words running through his brain was a constant stream of "I cant, I can't I can't I cant I cant Icant Icant IcantIcantIcant"
The next thing he knew he was laying face down on a bed while someone combed through his hair. Whining a little, he lifted his head slightly to see who it was. "It's alright Jamie." Sirius's voice cracked but he shushed him all the same and gently guided him to lay back down.
"Pads?" His voice was hoarce and speaking felt painful, like he'd shredded his vocal cords.
"Yeah, you back with us?" Frowning a little at the use of the word 'us' he lifted his head again and studied the room. Remus was sitting in the bed across from them and Peter was cross legged on the floor. "Prongs?"
"Yeah."
Remus smiled. "Hey mate, how are you feeling?" He hesitated, unsure.
"Tired. Head hurts."
"You want some water?" He nodded and Peter jumped up, returning with a cup of water. Managing to sit up he took the cup, ignoring the way his head swam. It was cold and felt nice on his throat.
He blinked a couple times, head clearing a little. "Thanks." Sirius studied him for a moment.
"You should lay back down." He didn't even argue, just collapsed back into bed. "Can you tell us what's going on?" Letting out a little defeated noise he burried his face back in the pillow.
"James." Remus's voice was soft. "You've gotta tell us what's going on. That was scary and we're worried." There was a moment of silence.
"I... I can't do it."
"Hogsmead? That's okay mate, you don't have to." Ignoring Peter's comment he sniffled before continuing.
"Theres too much to do, I can't make everyone happy. I've got quittich and you guys and Lily and school and I can't do it all." Making a little grabby gesture at Sirius's hand he took it and pulled it up into his hair again. Sirius slowly combed his hand through his hair.
"But I used to, I used to be so good. And- and people would ca- call me smart and" His voice broke and he let out a little sob. "I like being smart and I like people being proud of me and now I can't do anything right."
"Prongs, Jamie, you don't have to be perfect at everything. You really don't."
"I wanna be, I used to be!" Remus spoke, very gently.
"You're not going to be perfect at everything, this isn't muggle math you picked up for fun anymore. This is hard classes and a sport that professionals have to drop everything else to do and... and so much socializing everyone sighs with relief when you can just shut yourself in a room alone and breathe." Sirius hummed.
"And you are smart James, you're so incredibly brilliant, you just have too much going on." He stayed there for a minute, silently enjoying the gentleness that Sirius was using as he carded through his hair.
"I wanna sleep."
"Go ahead and sleep then." He started to protest, the words quittich and practice on the tip of his tounge but Remus just continued. "You're allowed rest, you need it. We can talk about anything else you want to later and we can go explain that you aren't feeling well enough for practice it you want."
With a little sigh he slumped into the pillows again. Nodding a little he mumbled a soft "please." He heard Remus and Peter stand but Sirius stayed in place. Once the two were gone he let out a long sigh.
"Jamie?"
"Mm?"
"Can I lay with you? You scared me, I just wanna make sure you're okay." He nodded a little and Sirius quickly laid down next to him, pulling a blanket over the two and wrapping his arms around him. "Are you gunna be okay?" After a moment of hesitation James just shrugged. Sirius pressed his face into his shoulder for a moment before pulling away with a sort of determined look on his face.
"I just decided, you're going to be alright. I solemnly swear it." A smile tugged at James's mouth.
"You're rediculous."
"See? A smile, you're already feeling better." James had to laugh, and after a few moments of silence Sirius began combing through his hair.
Right before he drifted off into sleep he realized that for the first time in a really long time, he didn't feel like he was drowning.