Chapter Text
“Would you mind if I took some photographs?”
Levi sat up in bed, reaching automatically for a cigarette, trying not to let Erwin see how deeply that request touched him. He inhaled smoke slowly, and made himself shoot Erwin a cynical smile with a suggestive lift of his eyebrows. “You want something to jack off to when I’m not around?”
Erwin looked towards the window, where the late afternoon sun was doing its utmost to penetrate the tightly closed blinds, a few dazzling beams hitting the anonymous motel desk and chair like death-rays in a Sci-fi movie. “I’d like some pictures of you, that’s all.”
“What – like, naked, or just pictures?”
“Nothing that could be incriminating. Just pictures.”
Levi ran his free hand through his hair, aiming for bored nonchalance. “Sure. Why not?”
Erwin smiled, and Levi half wished that flash of perfect white teeth still only got him in the groin like it used to – safely sexual, nothing more.
“Good then. I’ll bring a camera, next time. We’ll meet in that park where we met the first time. No one I know is likely to go there.”
“Al fresco?” Levi asked, startled. “Isn’t that –”
“Not for sex! Christ, Levi! Just for the pictures.”
“So, here again next week?”
“No, I told you – in the park. Same time – but by the bandstand.”
“What, so you don’t wanna fuck next time?”
Erwin frowned, turning to get out of bed. “It’s not always about… Don’t worry – I’ll pay you the same.”
“That’s not –”
“What?”
“Nothing.” Levi crushed out the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. “No, nothing. That’s fine. Same time, then?”
“Yes. By the bandstand.”
“Okay.”
When Erwin emerged from the shower, Levi watched him as he dressed- something he considered a perk of the job. It was a different suit this time – pale blue, with a wider tie.
“That suits you.”
“Thanks. Marie chose it.”
“She has good taste, that woman.”
Erwin chose to ignore the implied compliment. “I have a meeting with the surgical team in half an hour. I’ll see you next week, Levi.”
“No goodbye kiss?”
Erwin gave him a strange, sharp look, but he leaned over the bed and kissed Levi anyway, too hard for a goodbye, almost brutal. When he’d gone Levi touched his fingers to his lips, frowning.
*
Levi waited in the shadow of the bandstand, watching people in the park: joggers pausing on the new fitness trail to bend and stretch, mothers pushing prams, a young couple, hand in hand, the girl pretty in eye-catching yellow dungarees, the boy youthfully handsome. For a moment Levi let himself imagine a world where he could hold Erwin’s hand on a stroll through the park without the risk of stares or taunts or violence. The boy leaned down to kiss the girl and a passing man tutted loudly. Levi rolled his eyes - some people were determined to see sin in anything. He wondered if it made them happier, judging the world so harshly.
“Sorry I’m late.” Erwin was casually dressed in a cream shirt, a light brown sweater and darker slacks. An expensive looking black and silver Pentax camera was slung over one shoulder.
“S’okay.” Levi smiled at him, but Erwin seemed even more tense than usual.
“We should take a few here, then move on. We don’t want people asking questions.”
“No – okay. Where do you want me?” Levi couldn’t help making the question just a touch provocative, but Erwin frowned. “Cut that out.”
Levi stuck his hands in his pockets. “Hey - relax, man! You’re the one who’s gonna attract attention if you act so uptight.”
Erwin sighed. “Yes, you’re right. Sorry. Okay – why don’t you lean against the bandstand like – Yes, like that.”
Levi laughed. “You need to take the lens cap off if you want a picture though.”
“Oh – yes… Just a minute…” Erwin took five pictures by the bandstand: one of Levi smiling and leaning on the railings; one looking ‘mean and moody’ as Levi put it; one turned away, in profile, staring into space, and two ‘doing a James Dean’ with a cigarette between his lips. Levi stripped off his sweater for the second one, hoping that Erwin would like the way he looked in the tight black t-shirt he wore underneath it. Erwin made no comment, but it seemed to take him longer to focus the second time. “Right, good. Now by the lake, perhaps…”
After about half an hour they stopped for a while, sitting on a bench by a willow tree. Across the lake two small children and their grandfather were feeding the ducks.
“This is nice,” Levi said, closing his eyes, enjoying the sunshine.
“Yes.”
“You must be almost out of film.”
“I think there are three shots left.”
Levi opened his eyes, biting his lip, hesitating. “…I don’t have a picture of you. Maybe I could take –”
“You know that’s impossible.”
Levi’s good mood vanished. “Five years, and you still don’t trust me.”
“It’s not that.”
“It is that. You’re worried about blackmail.”
“No! No, not by you. But if anyone saw it – wondered why you had a picture of me…”
“What are the chances of anyone I know recognizing you?”
“Small. Very small. But I won’t take unnecessary risks - not with my reputation. My marriage and my career are at stake. I didn’t think we’d need to have this conversation, Levi. I came you in the first place because you assured me you were discreet.”
“Yeah, and I am – you know I am. But I… I know you now. You know me. I -”
“You know why not.”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay… Why do you want so many of me, anyway?”
“I don’t know which ones will come out well until I develop them, do I?” Erwin asked, which was no kind of answer at all.
Back at the bandstand, Erwin used up the rest of the film on shots of Levi in profile, looking out across the park. When he’d finished, he stood still for a moment, looking down at the camera in his hands. “That’s that, then.”
“Yeah. You… You’re not gonna show these to anyone, are you?” Levi asked, wondering why that possibility hadn’t occurred to him before.
“I’ll keep them completely confidential,” Erwin assured him.
“Okay.”
“I’d better get going. I have a meeting at three.”
“You have a lot of meetings.”
“I do. Much more surgery, though.” He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, and handed Levi an envelope. “Here – for today.”
“It’s okay. I don’t want it. Today wasn’t –”
“I insist. For your time.”
“What if I wanted to spend the time with you? I don’t need paying for today. Keep it for next week.”
Erwin gave him a searching look. “I’m grateful, Levi, but I’d rather you took it now. We’ll call it next week’s payment in advance, if you really don’t want paying for today.”
Levi took the envelope. “Okay, thanks. Can’t deny it’ll be useful this week. Rent’s due… So, usual next week?”
“Yes. Yes, next week. Goodbye, Levi. Thank you.”
Levi watched him walking away across the park, feeling uneasy for no reason he could name.
When he got back to his tiny rented apartment and opened the envelope, he found it contained three times the usual amount. A week later he waited for two hours in their usual motel room, but Erwin didn’t show up. Levi surprised himself by his reaction to that – the sudden aching at the back of his eyeballs that had him cursing quietly, forcing hurt into anger. He hadn’t cried since he was fourteen years old; he was damned if he was going to start now, over a screwed-up bastard like Erwin Smith.
When Erwin failed to turn up at the motel again the following week, Levi knew it was over. It wasn’t the first time he’d lost a client unexpectedly, but it was the first time he’d minded. Short of getting taken into hospital as the result of a nasty accident, Levi couldn’t see any likelihood of ever seeing Erwin again. It wasn’t as if they lived in the same part of town, or moved in the same social circles. So it was an unpleasant shock, three months later, when he found himself accosted in a bar by a grey-haired, bearded man in his fifties or sixties, who laid a heavy, unwelcome hand on his shoulder and said, “Levi, isn’t it? I wondered if I’d run into you here.”
“Who the hell are you?” Levi demanded, shoving the hand aside.
“That’s not very friendly. And Erwin said you were ‘charming’! I’m Darius Zackley. I’m a colleague of Erwin’s. Friend and colleague. I recognized you straight away from the pictures.”
“Bullshit!” Levi’s reaction was automatic, but as soon as the word was out of his mouth he realized that this Zackley had to be telling the truth. For one horrible moment Levi thought he was going to be sick. He forced himself to breathe, thinking desperately, trying to work out exactly what kind of trouble he was in. Whatever else, it wouldn’t do to antagonize the old creep before he knew what he was dealing with, so he forced himself into calm, and gave Zackley the most unconcerned look he could manage. “I mean, obviously I do believe you’ve seen the pictures, but I’m surprised, though. Why would Erwin show them to you?”
“Ah, well, in this context Erwin is a patient of mine, rather than a colleague. I’m seeing him in a professional capacity.”
Levi’s mind raced with panicked thoughts – Erwin hadn’t come back because he’d been in an accident – he’d hit his head – was saying things he shouldn’t in a delirious state. This man had found the camera – had the film developed…
“What’s happened to him? Is he okay?”
“Oh, yes. Don’t be concerned – for his safety, or yours. I’m a psychiatrist, treating him for his condition. I’m the one who suggested that he should take the pictures of you. It’s all a vital part of his therapy.”
“Therapy? He seemed sane enough to me.”
“Don’t be coy, Levi. You know what he is. Why else would he associate with someone like you?”
Levi lit a cigarette to give himself time to think. “So why are you here? If you’re a shrink, shouldn’t all this shit be confidential?”
“Normally, yes. But you’re an important part of his problem, and of its solution. I’d like to discuss this with you properly. Obviously there are things I can’t say openly here.”
“I’m working.”
“I’ll pay for your time.”
Levi met the old man’s eyes, and saw, with not much surprise, the glitter of suppressed lust; the secret little thrill saying those words had given him.
“I don’t want your money. I’ll listen though.”
“All right. Outside, then…” Zackley led the way out into the street with the slow, rolling gait of a well-fed and confident man, but Levi thought there was just a bit too much swagger in it to ring true.
“We’ll have to go somewhere. No one here’ll look at us without guessing old queer and rent,” Levi said quietly. Zackley gave him a shrewd look, apparently unfazed. “Where do you suggest?”
“I know a hotel. You might not want to be seen there, though. You’ll have to pay for the room.”
“I’ll take the risk of being seen. My profession gives me a certain amount of immunity. Lead on, Macduff!”
“What?”
“Show me the way.”
“Right.”
Levi favored the little run-down hotel on 16th because for all its ramshackle appearance it was surprisingly clean. Zackley followed Levi into a room on the fourth floor. Levi made a point of sitting on the desk chair rather than on the bed. He leaned back, left ankle resting on his right thigh, and lit another cigarette without comment.
“There are a lot of studies now that show smoking is very bad for you,” Zackley gasped, lowering his bulk onto the bed, still puffing from the short walk from the elevator to the room.
“Yeah well. Gotta die of something,” Levi said, hating the echo of his long-gone Uncle Kenny, and despising himself for not being able to quit what he actually agreed was a disgusting habit.
“I’m surprised Erwin didn’t object.”
Levi’s eyes narrowed, partly in anger, partly in pain at Zackley’s use of the past tense. “Maybe he likes it because it’s bad. Maybe that’s why he likes me. Whadda ya think, Shrink? Am I in the wrong job?”
This time Zackley was more obvious in his interest, looking Levi over in a way that gave him the shivers. “No – I’d say you’re in exactly the right job...” He licked his lips, probably unconsciously, and Levi had to look away, exhaling a smokescreen. “Yeah, whatever. But we’re here to talk about Erwin.”
“Yes… Yes. Well – I’ve always had an interest in the field of human sexuality,” Zackley explained, with a smile that was close to a leer. “About a year ago I happened to hear a couple of emergency room doctors discussing an attempted suicide – a young man who was ‘clearly a homosexual’, according to their account, who had jumped off a bridge. Erwin patched him up – complex surgery on his legs and spine. I talked to Erwin about the case – explained that I was running a rehabilitation programme – offered the kid a place. But it was Erwin’s interest in my methods that surprised me. I guessed, after that. Debated whether to say anything, but in the end… I couldn’t stand to see a man as talented as Erwin – beautiful wife… You’ve met his wife, Marie? No? No, I suppose not… Well, I couldn’t stand to see him risk throwing it all away because of a… what shall I call it? A flaw? Some trauma in his childhood that knocked him out of true? How could I stand by and let him ruin his life, when I was in possession of a cure?”
“A cure?” The strength of his emotional response to what Zackley seemed to be suggesting took Levi entirely by surprise. He was pulled violently in two opposing directions, his automatic, instinctive outrage - it’s not a fucking disease! countered by an insidious feeling of hope - I could be normal?
“Yes. I understand, of course, that the very possibility must be problematic for you. If a cure succeeds, you’ll be unemployed, after all -”
“No – that’s not –”
“But you must see what this represents for Erwin? A successful, professional man, doing nothing but good through his work, with a lovely wife – the hope of children one day… It’s what he wants – what he desperately wants.”
“It… Is it? Is that what he told you?”
“Yes. It’s a simple enough dream, isn’t it, normality? He just wants to be like everyone else, Levi. But you tempted him away from that, and –”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! He came looking. I never –”
“Oh, I’m not blaming you. You’re as much a victim of your past as he is. People can’t help their deviancy. But they can be cured of it, and that’s what Erwin is doing now, with my help. He’s doing well so far, but he feels guilty about you – about his part in adding to your moral degradation. His concern for you has become a stumbling block, and so I promised him I’d try to find you – to offer you the same treatment he’s getting.”
Levi shook his head. “I don’t have insurance. And anyway –”
“Entirely free of charge. You’d be supporting my work, and helping Erwin’s recovery.”
Levi considered, initially torn. He wanted to help Erwin. If there was a possibility of being normal… He thought, suddenly, of the boy and the girl he’d seen in the park on that last afternoon with Erwin, and tried to imagine himself like that – some pretty girl by his side, no one doing worse than tutting mildly at a public show of normal affection… and he knew, immediately, that the whole, attractive picture would be a hollow lie. He’d had plenty of female friends in his life, and had never, once, been sexually interested in any of them. He wanted Erwin. He’d never felt as close to anyone as he did to Erwin. There had been a time when he’d hoped…
“I can’t help you,” he said at last, putting out the cigarette, feeling suddenly very tired and desperately sad. “I’m sorry. I would help Erwin, if I could. I hope he finds what he’s looking for. But I… Call it deviant, if you want. I guess I’ve never been normal, and I never will be. Maybe it’s a sin, not to want to change it, but I don’t. I can’t. I can’t believe anything could change it, even if I wanted… And I don’t.”
Daruis shook his head, his eyes bright with a fervent confidence in what he was offering. “Think, Levi. Don’t decide yet. Modern scientific techniques offer amazing progress – we put men on the moon last year for goodness’ sake! The world is changing! You don’t know the difference my method could make to your life! Of course you feel that you can’t change – that you don’t want to change. But that’s because, at some point in your early life, something went wrong in your psyche. You won’t even be able to desire healthy change unless you can accept that. People like you –”
“Us,” Levi corrected.
“What?”
“People like us.”
“What do you mean?”
Levi stared at Zackley, incredulous. “You’re kidding, right? The way you look at me - checking me out – staring like you’re trying to make out how big my dick is –”
Although he went very red, there was no bluster in Daruis’s careful reply. He sighed deeply – almost convincingly. “Oh dear, Levi, this is a classic diversion tactic. I’m afraid projecting your immorality onto me won’t change the facts.”
Levi understood at once that there was no point in arguing, but he’d seen the look Zackley had been giving him too many times, from too many men, to be in any doubt about its meaning. Waving his hand impatiently, he changed the subject. “Okay, okay – let’s say I’m projecting, or whatever. I wanna know what you’re doing with Erwin. How does it work, anyway, this cure? What does he have to do? Why’d he want those pictures of me?”
Five minutes later Levi was doubled up in an alleyway that ran alongside the hotel, throwing up by the trashcans, the clenched fist that supported him against the wall still red and stinging from its abrupt contact with Zackley’s jaw.
*
Erwin crossed the parking lot lost in his thoughts, guilty about not feeling happier. He reminded himself to buy Marie flowers on the way home – those pink and white lilies she liked. He opened the car door, got in, and was putting the keys into the ignition when he gave a violent start at the realization that there was someone sitting in the passenger seat.
“Christ – Levi! You can’t be here! What are you –”
“Drive me somewhere else then. I’m not getting out.”
Several blocks from the hospital, Erwin pulled off the main road into a quiet residential street. He parked in the shade of some big lime trees at the side of an empty house with a For Sale sign out front.
“What do you want, Levi?”
“Don’t worry. I just want my pictures back.”
“What?”
“I saw Zackley. Didn’t he say?”
“No, he didn’t mention it.” Erwin attempted a smile. “I’m glad he found you though. He told you – about what I’m –”
“Yeah.”
“And? Are you going to start –”
“Fuck no! There’s no way in hell! When he told me what he was doing to you, I –” He stopped talking, tasting bile in the back of his throat, wanting to gag.
“Levi?”
“I can’t - It’s fucking disgusting. I just want my pictures back. And the negatives.”
“But they’re helping me.”
“Yeah – he told me how they’re helping!”
“Look, Levi, I understand how it must sound. But it’s necessary. It’s unpleasant, yes, but that’s the point. That’s why it’s called aversion therapy – I’m learning to recondition my sexual responses.”
“You’re – you’re jacking off over pictures of naked women, and then - looking at pictures of me while they give you a drug to make you throw up!”
“Yes. But it’s not about you as a person – those pictures are just images of what I used to be sexually attracted to. They’re mixed in with more – more erotic images of strangers, but Darius thought, since I seem to have become fixated on you –”
“Fixated? Because you like me, you mean? Because you want me, and you like it when we fuck?”
Erwin looked around guiltily, even though there was no one on the quiet street. “For Christ’s sake keep it down, Levi!”
“When you took those pictures, I thought… I thought maybe you just wanted pictures, you know? Like in a normal relationship.”
“What relationship? I was paying you for sex. That’s not –”
“Every week for nearly five years? And we didn’t even always fuck. Sometimes you wanted to talk about stuff. I thought –”
“Yes, well I wasn’t paying you to think.”
Levi’s in-drawn breath was audible. Erwin’s jaw clenched. “You knew I was married. You knew that. I’ll give the pictures back to you if you insist, but, Levi, I’m doing well. I’m – I think I’m starting to respond more positively to the female images. When we move on to the next stage I really think –”
“What’s the next stage? The one he told me about, when you let him put electrodes on your dick?”
Erwin didn’t reply.
“I love you,” Levi said.
Erwin stared at him, colour rising in his cheeks. “Levi…”
“I know, okay? I know you love your wife, even if you do have to think about me every time you try and get it up for her. You love the idea of that life, where you’re normal, and you live in your big house with your wife and kids, and everything’s so… so fucking nice. But it’s not real. I get what you’re trying to do, but it’s bullshit. I get that it’s a version, but it’s not the version – not the real one.”
In spite of everything, Erwin smiled. “Oh – no, no Levi – that’s not what aversion means.”
“What?”
“No – it means making you averse to something – putting you off it, turning you against... So although I know it sounds awful – and it’s – it’s not nice…” Despite his best efforts Erwin couldn’t prevent a shudder. Levi saw it. He gripped the sides of the seat, his knuckles white. “It’s fucking torture is what it is! It’s wrong. Please stop it, Erwin!”
“I can’t. I’m committed to trying. And anyway, even if I did want – It’s too late. Marie’s pregnant.”
Levi turned his head away.
“Levi – I’m sorry. I’m aware that I haven’t been honest with you. I’d begun to suspect that you had developed feelings –”
“Developed feelings? Fuck you, Erwin. You’re lying to yourself, and that pervert Zackley’s helping you do it. I’m sorry you’ve screwed up your life, and Marie’s, and I pity that poor kid, when it comes - but fuck you. I want all the pictures back. I don’t know if what we are is wrong – I’ve never known that - but I sure as hell know what Zackely’s doing to you is sick. I love you, and that’s not wrong, is it? I’m not gonna cause any trouble – don’t worry - you won’t find me sending letters to Marie, or asking you for money – but I won’t say I’m sorry for loving you, because that’s not wrong.”
“But it is wrong,” Erwin said sadly, looking at his hands, still gripping the steering wheel. “Nearly all the experts agree that it’s a psychiatric disorder. If we had any other kind of disease –”
“It’s not a disease.”
“It is. And it can be cured.”
“I don’t believe that. I don’t think you believe it, either – not really. You’re kidding yourself. I thought – before this – I thought you were – huh – ‘developing feelings’ for me, too…”
Erwin made an ugly, strangled sound. Levi looked at him. “Erwin?”
“I’m doing well! I’m going to be a father, and I’m going to make myself love my wife properly! Whatever I feel – felt – for you, I’m changing it into what it ought to be – disgust. That’s the whole point of putting myself through all this, and if you had any kind of moral courage, you’d do it too.”
Levi shook his head. “You want to hate me.”
“No! No – but I want to be disgusted by the thought of… of what we’ve done.”
“So… you want to hate yourself, then. You’re punishing yourself for being what you are. And Zackley –”
“Zackley is helping me.”
“Zackley’s punishing you for being what he can’t admit he is. When he came to see me, he couldn’t keep his eyes off my crotch. If you have to try to do this, can’t you do it some other way – something less – less sick?”
Erwin shook his head violently. “You’re wrong about Zackley – I know his wife –I’ve met his children. And it has to be this way – I’ve researched this. Conditioning works in animals – rats given electric shocks can modify their behavior, so –”
“You’re not a fucking rat, Erwin! And Zackley’s met your wife, too, hasn’t he? That don’t mean shit, and you know it. I know how he looked at me. Please stop this.”
“I can’t!” Erwin cried. “I need it! Marie deserves a proper husband. My child deserves a proper father!”
“But it won’t be real!”
“It will! I’ll make it real!”
Levi fell silent. Erwin looked at him, out of words. At last, Levi’s shoulders slumped, and he exhaled heavily. “Okay. It’s your life – your choice. And I get that it’s harder for you, with Marie and everything. But, God, Erwin… I don’t know anything about headshrinkers and all that, but I do know when something feels fucking wrong. I hate the thought of you doing that sick shit using pictures of me. But if it’s what you think you need…”
“Thank you, Levi.”
“Don’t thank me. I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. I could kill that bastard Zackley.”
Erwin almost managed a smile. “Don’t do that.”
“Huh. No. Anyway, that guy already hates himself as much as he hates us.”
“Levi… If things had been different… If you were a woman –”
“Man, if I was a woman, you wouldn’t want me! That’s kinda the whole fucking point, isn’t it?”
Erwin leaned his head on his hands, unable or unwilling to reply. He heard the car door being wrenched open and slamming shut. He didn’t let himself look up until he was certain that Levi would be out of sight.