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The jester groaned into her rubber palms as she ground them into her eyes. This was torture. Or at least that’s what it always felt like. Day in and day out, “adventures” to distract them from their digital prison. It never helped distract for long. In the end it always came back to “what’s the point?” and “why even try?”. She was spiraling, like usual.
“Pomni?” A voice. Her voice. So soft, just like her hands. Everything about her was soft. Ragatha. Sweet, perfect, pretty, Ragatha. She repeated the jester’s name as she leaned down ever so slightly to meet her eyes easier. Pomni’s hands fell from her face and she sucked in a soft breath.
“Sorry, just- just needed a second.” Her voice wasn’t as steady as she would’ve liked.
Today’s adventure had been “DISARM THE DISASTER” in which the group had to figure out how to disarm a bomb while one member guided them on how to do so over a walkie-talkie. It just so happened that the one with the instructions was Kinger. So that didn’t end up being very… easy. Swears had been exchanged, Ragatha and Gangle had attempted to keep the peace, Zooble had almost gotten into a fist fight with Jax, and someone had gotten stabbed with a random pair of wire-cutters. Yet somehow they had actually managed to disarm it with 5.7 seconds remaining, narrowly avoiding a painful end to a stressful day. As Pomni had snipped the final wire they all let out a collective sigh of relief when the timer clicked off. A burst of confetti and a rather bit-compressed “yay!!” sound clip indicated their success. Despite the fact they were all digital, the strange collection of characters didn’t particularly enjoy experiencing pain and sought to avoid it. Pain still felt so real, it was terrifying at times. Even if they couldn’t die, they still felt all of it.
“Hah yeah… That was extra stressful.” She stated simply, ragdoll mitts clasped gently in front of her. Her dress hung perfectly from her frame as usual.
They stood in the middle of the circus, only having just been teleported back to its infinite checkered floors and bright building blocks.
“Yeah… I didn’t think we’d make it for a bit there.” Pomni laughed softly, although her heart wasn’t in it. She held one of her arms, her body language was closed off and her head hung down slightly. Her mind was still spinning elsewhere. She felt as if she was playing this stupid game in third person despite being fully within her body. She glanced around to take stock of the other members of their strange circus.
Gangle had melted into a pile of ribbons in relief of finally being free of the situation, her comedy mask had broken quite early into the adventure but she had done a good job of keeping herself together despite it. Jax was standing there as if he had no cares in the world, arms above his head as he spoke rather animatedly to Kinger. The chess piece’s eyes were crinkled as if he was smiling although he had no mouth, his gloved hands gesturing as he spoke. Zooble had just sat down on the ground, strange limbs extended out in front of them, a hand and a pincer propped up their plastic body. They had a far-off look in their eyes.
Pomni had opened her mouth to speak again just as their ringmaster popped into existence about 10 feet in the air above them. Her mouth snapped shut. Caine twirled his name sake and pointed it at the mismatched crew.
“Congratulations my Clever Cookies! Great teamwork out there today! You’ve all impressed me, and I hope you continue to work together in future adventures! And-” He looked at his non-existent watch and his upper row of teeth raised as if to imply the surprise of a raised brow. “Why look at the time! I have a very important meeting to attend, and I simply cannot be late. Enjoy the rest of your day and don’t do anything too crazy!” Caine swirled his hands around animatedly at the final word of his sentence before he once again popped out of existence just like he had arrived.
“Ugh… Thank f*$! that’s over.” Zooble groaned, slowly standing back up. Ragatha offered them a hand since they seemed to be having trouble with the parts they had selected for the day. Her hand was swatted away and Zooble managed to stand up without assistance. The look on the ragdoll’s face was only visible for a moment before she returned to her soft, placid smile. And it looked as if nobody had noticed. “I’m going to my room, see ya guys.” They stated plainly as they began to hobble off, waving a pincer loosely as a goodbye.
“Eh, I’m bored too.” Jax shrugged, wandering off in what seemed to be a random direction to the rest of the cast.
It didn’t take long for the rest of them to decide to split and head their separate ways. In a few moments, it was just Pomni and Ragatha standing an uncomfortable distance away from each other. Just as Pomni was about to say goodbye to the last remaining member, she paused. The other had a strange look in her eye. She was staring off into something unseen by the jester, her mouth a thin tight line.
“Ragatha?” Pomni tried, looking up at the other with her big cartoonish eyes. That seemed to snap her out of it.
“O-Oh! Sorry dear, what did you say?” That look was back, the one she had when she tried to help other people. Pomni wasn’t sure if it was genuine.
“Nothing just uh.. Have a good night.” She offered a smile. She did care about the other and her behavior was a bit worrying. Her mask was slipping. Pomni was rather inexperienced with handling her own emotions, let alone others. Could she even help her?
“You too Pomni, sleep well.” Ragatha smiled back and waved one cloth hand. Lines of tiredness were rather apparent under her eyes. Pomni opened her mouth to offer a word of encouragement, but Ragatha had already turned and begun walking to her room. Her posture slumped ever so slightly from perfect. Pomni sighed. This place was going to drive them all crazy.
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The door clicked closed behind her as she pressed her back against it. She fumbled with the lock, her cloth mitts having trouble gripping the tiny piece of metal. It didn’t help with how much her hands were shaking. She didn’t even bother to turn the lights on.
Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together. Just a little bit longer. Don’t break yet.
The lock engaged with a steady and solid click and finally she let the dam break. A pathetic gasping sob fell past her lips. This had been building for a long time. Years even. And today it finally broke her. Her hands fell limp on the handle and she stumbled backwards into her room. She nearly stumbled over her own feet as she bumped into the bedframe. She let herself collapse against it, falling onto her knees and pressing her back to it. Tears finally fell, some dribbling down onto her dress, but most absorbing into the cloth of her face.
“S-S%#!...” She scrubbed at her eye uselessly. There was no point, the tears just kept falling. Her shoulders shook. “Hah… Haha…” The ragdoll began to laugh, staring down at her hands. Nothing was funny. It hurt. It hurt worse than she could ever put into words.
So much time. So many had come and gone. And she was still here, still the same, still not helpful, still hated. Everyone hated her. She tried too hard and she pushed them all away. It would be the death of her. In fact, maybe it already was. The laughs that poured from her mouth slowly turned manic and eventually choked with tears. The tears overcame the laughter and it died back into sobs. She hadn’t cried this hard in years. Everything had finally built to a breaking point. She couldn’t do anything right, nobody wanted her around, nobody needed her. And if nobody needed her, why should she be there? What use was she if nobody could use her?
A doll is meant to be played with. That was a doll’s purpose afterall. But this doll didn’t serve its purpose. It was useless. What kind of doll was a doll that nobody wanted to play with?
“So… stupid… I’m so so f#$%ing stupid…” She brought her knees up to her chest, hiding her face in the fabric of her dress. Her dress that was covered in patches and small tears she had stitched up herself. Her limbs were much the same, covered in smaller repairs. There had been countless times she had hidden away after an adventure to fix herself up when Caine didn’t magically do so. She had learned how to fix herself. Her hands were familiar with stitching, but stitching herself had been an entirely different concept. It hurt, it was uncomfortable, it was hard to get used to, it made her feel like she wasn’t a person.
The doll was always played with too roughly. It always broke. It always tore. It always ripped. Maybe now it was time to throw away the old rag.
Ragatha sniffled as she looked at her arm, her chest ached with an empty feeling. She noticed something amiss with herself. The seam that travelled across its length had a loose thread near the doll’s wrist. It was small, it could easily be snipped off with a pair of scissors. Yet it begged for something else.
“Mh…” She hummed. She grasped the tan thread between her thumb and pointer finger. A moment of clarity told her she shouldn’t, but that didn’t stop her. The doll tugged on the thread.
It unraveled. She unraveled. Stuffing burst through the seams in a mock of human blood and flesh. It hurt. But the pain was numb, as if muffled by television static. A hole appeared in her stitching about the length of her finger. But Ragatha didn’t stop. She couldn’t reverse it now. She needed to keep going, she needed to destroy this stupid vessel. She needed to be thrown out. She pulled on the thread.
She’d never been this self-destructive before. But now she didn’t care. Ragatha had seen so many people come and go. She hadn’t been able to help any of them. And she wouldn’t be able to help any of the people around her now. So why should she even be there? Why should she be able to keep going? Why should she even exist when all her old friends had gone? Why should she have the privilege of life?
The seam was ripped apart to her elbow now. The arm hung limply across her lap, her legs extended in front of her flat on the floor. Stuffing leaked out and fell this way and that, the thread was bunched up in her fist. Her hand shook. Whatever had allowed her arm to move wasn’t present now. If she kept pulling the thread would disappear under her dress and she knew it would go up to her neck. She could split herself apart, but it wouldn’t kill her.
“Why… Why can’t I just die…?” She stared blankly at the back of her door, a fullbody mirror stared back at her. She looked like a mess. Sat on the floor of her room surrounded by her own stuffing, destroying herself. Ragatha blinked once, twice. And then her face contorted with rage. So much pent up emotion. She just yelled at herself, squinting her eye shut and grabbing her entire forearm. She pulled with all her might.
A loud ripping noise echoed in the dimly lit dollhouse-themed room. It was silent for a few moments. She stared at what she had done in the mirror. Her body shook.
Oh no. You’ve done it now. You idiot.
Ragatha gasped like a fish out of water. Her mouth opened and closed in a vague attempt to gulp in air that she didn’t need and couldn’t get. She attempted to speak but gurgled and choked on her own stuffing. Tears welled in her eye and spilled so easily into her cloth flesh. She hiccuped pathetically. The doll couldn’t move her head, her other arm attempted to fix what she had done, but the most she could do was pathetically pat and grab at the stuffing. All she could do was stare at her terrible body and her own actions. She cried.
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Pomni hadn’t gone to her room right away. Instead she decided to wander through the tent while she thought. Ragatha had seemed rather down in the dumps, maybe she could do something to cheer her up. She deserved as much or even more than she put out. She was always so focused on helping others, she often forgot to help herself. Maybe Pomni could help her realize that she was worth loving too. She didn’t think the ragdoll knew that about herself. Pomni thought she was worth loving. But that was more than she wanted to unpack right now.
Focusing on how Ragatha was feeling also kept her from spiraling into any more depressive thoughts. She didn’t like thinking too hard about being trapped here, and she couldn’t spend all the time being sorry for herself.
Pomni’s shoes tapped softly against the tiles as she walked. How could she show her? Maybe she could just tell her… But she didn’t think she’d easily accept that. She was so focused on her planning that she hardly noticed the purple rabbit until she had bumped into him.
“Woah!” She exclaimed as she fell back onto her butt with a comical squeaky toy sound effect. The rabbit turned around, he might’ve been initially surprised, but now his expression was a grin bigger than usual.
“Hah! You’ve got to watch where you’re going shortstack.” He chuckled, folding his arms across his chest. He wouldn’t help her up, but she didn’t expect him to.
“Yeah uh- sorry about that.” That had been entirely her fault. She stood up, a bit embarrassed she hadn’t been paying attention at all and had run into the only other person in the entire tent.
“What’cha thinkin’ about so hard? You think any harder and steam’s gonna come outta your ears.” He snickered, flicking Pomni’s hat and making the bell on the end jingle. Jax didn’t really care what she was thinking about, but he’d gladly pester her about it whatever it may be. Pomni rolled her eyes and batted half-heartedly at Jax’s hand, not actually connecting with him. Jax could be an ass sometimes but maybe he could help her out. He knew more about a certain ragdoll than she did after all.
“Have you seen Ragatha these past few days? She-” The jester was rudely cut off.
“Ohhh poor poor dollface.” Jax cooed, clasping his hands together over his chest and swaying his hips. Pomni’s bottom eyelid twitched. “She has been extra mopey, why? You worried about her?~” He smirked, his smile pulling at his face in a way that looked uncomfortable.
“Uh- yeah? But I’d be worried about any of you!” Pomni declared. It was true. She had come to care about this strange group of outcasts quite a lot.
“Awwww, even lil ol me?~” He pressed a fingertip against his cheek coyly. Pomni groaned.
“Yes, even you.” She muttered, eyes glancing away. “But that’s not why I brought it up! I want to help her out but I don’t know how.” The jester admitted, hands thrown out to her sides.
“Oh. Hm.” Jax hummed, folding his arms. “I dunno. I’m not good at cheering people up.” He shrugged. A few moments of silence and Pomni thought he wasn’t going to say anything of substance, until his unflinching yellow smile moved again. “But maybe if ya just hung out with her she’d cheer up, she’d probably like that. She’s weird and sappy like that.” Another shrug.
That was surprisingly good advice, more than Pomni thought she would get from the rabbit.
“Oh. Yeah, that actually sounds good. Thank you Jax.” A smile played onto her pale face.
"Blehh, gross, don’t thank me.” He shuddered and turned to walk away. He stopped after a step or two. “Oh, here, take this.” He fidgeted for a moment then something shiny was thrown towards her over Jax’s shoulder. The jester stumbled to catch it in her cartoonish hands. She blinked down at the object in her mismatched palms. It was a key. “Do whatever you want with it, I have copies.” He said nonchalantly, and kept walking. She wasn’t sure how she knew, but it had to be a key to Ragatha’s room. She didn’t plan on using it, but it was an interesting gesture from the other.
Pomni let out a small laugh and she couldn’t help but notice Jax’s shoulders seemed to shake with a little chuckle as he went. Maybe he wasn’t really all that bad.
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Pomni wasn’t sure if tonight was the best time to bother Ragatha, but she figured it couldn’t hurt to try. She wandered back through the tent towards their rooms with a renewed sense of vigor. It was a strange place to navigate, it made no sense and sometimes it felt like a maze. But she had begun to get the hang of it through her time spent in the circus. She wasn’t entirely sure how long she’d been here now, the day and night cycle was confusing and her internal clock was almost non-existent. They also didn’t even really need to sleep and that made it all the more confusing.
As she entered the hallway she noticed two figures standing outside of Ragatha’s door. That was odd. It was easy to recognize each member of the circus, they were all rather unique. Standing there, speaking in hushed tones were Gangle and Zooble. Pomni spoke up once she was close enough.
“Guys..?” She didn’t whisper but she spoke quietly. Both jumped like they had been caught. Zooble’s eyes widened and Gangle blinked owlishly.
“Shh…” Gangle warned, pressing a ribbon to her mask. Pomni lowered her voice even further and leaned in to whisper.
“What’s going on??” She asked, eyebrow raised. This was very weird behavior.
“I… We heard Ragatha scream or something and now she’s gone really quiet.” Zooble said, cartoon brows knitted with concern. Gangle nodded.
“It was kinda loud and scary… And she’s not answering us or opening the door…” Gangle wrung her ribbons together nervously. “We were debating whether or not to get Caine…”
Pomni's eyes glanced from the two to Ragatha’s avatar on the door, it smiled gently across the hallway. Screaming definitely wasn’t normal. Neither was ignoring her friends. All of it seemed very uncharacteristic of her. Maybe she’d fallen or gotten scared by something Jax left in her room? The jester worried.
Pomni knocked on the door with a few solid thuds and called out for their friend.
“Ragatha?? You okay?” Silence was her answer.
Except… What was that? She swore she heard something. Pomni pressed her head against the side of the door where her ear would’ve been.
“Ragatha? Are you in there?” She called out again. The noise was louder this time. A soft whimper. If that was Ragatha she sounded… hurt. Pomni’s heart sank. Her mind ran wild with what could’ve possibly happened. “I-I think she’s hurt.” She guessed to the others, although she was still rather unsure.
“But the adventure wasn’t dangerous today… Do-Do you think Jax did something??” Gangle squeaked.
“No- he wouldn’t do something to actually hurt us. I don’t think he would anyways.” Zooble reassured the pile of ribbons standing beside them. As they talked, Pomni reached into her pocket and pulled out the key Jax had given her. She had discovered they all had weird pockets not too long after arriving. They were a sort of small pocket dimension that worked when they needed them. It didn’t make sense, but then again not much did here.
Pomni had swore she wouldn’t use the key, but now she really needed to know if Ragatha was okay. She brandished the key and began to slide it into the lock.
“Where did you get that?” Zooble asked, one eyebrow raised, their eyes still half-lidded. Gangle stared at the key.
“Oh uh- Jax- Jax gave it to me.” Pomni confessed easily, they didn’t need to distrust her anymore than they already might have. That answer seemed to placate them, since they were worried for their friend too. Even if it was morally objectionable.
The key was fully inverted and turned. The lock clicked open and Pomni grasped the handle. She began to turn it and heard a strange, strangled noise of objection. The jester didn’t stop, she pushed the door inward fully. Her jaw fell open and her eyes bulged, pupils shrinking to pinpricks. Gangle and Zooble gasped behind her.
Oh f#$*.
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The sight in front of them was almost nauseating. Light spilled into the dark room and exposed the ragdoll laying against the bed. Her eye was wide with terror, her friends shouldn’t have seen her like this! Why were they here?!
You’re pathetic, you can’t even die right.
She attempted to speak but nothing came out except a stuttered and muffled noise. Ragatha lifted her mobile arm and attempted to hide herself behind it, tears beginning to fall faster.
They’ll off you themselves at this rate. Just abstract already. Give up.
The ragdoll’s arm laid on the ground beside her, barely connected, only holding on by a thin strip of tan fabric. The seam that led up from her arm to her neck had been ripped open. Stuffing spilled out of her throat and onto her lap. Each movement spilled more and more of her guts.
Pomni covered her mouth. Ragatha cried harder.
“S#@!, s#*%, s#$@.” Zooble swore softly, glancing up and down the hallway as if looking for someone to fix this.
The jester snapped out of her stupor. Ragatha needed someone. She rushed forward and fell to her knees beside the doll’s good side.
“It’s okay- it’s okay!” Pomni tried to reassure, reaching out with shaking hands to try to help, but she had no idea where to start. Ragatha sobbed, her shoulders shaking. She tried to scoot away from Pomni but couldn’t really move.
It hurts, everything hurts. Why am I so stupid?
“Ragatha- Ragatha! Look at me!” Pomni didn’t mean to yell but she noticed something that increased her urgency. Ragatha had begun to glitch. One of her legs had grown dark and began to glitch and stutter wildly. Pomni wouldn’t let this happen, this couldn’t happen.
Gangle let out a cry from the doorway as she watched her friend begin to abstract.
“We need help. I’ll- I’ll be right back!” Zooble turned and made a hurried dash down the hallway, shouting out Caine’s name desperately between their cupped hands as they went.
They don’t care. Nobody cares.
“Ragatha, please.” Pomni begged desperately, reaching out and grabbing the ragdoll’s wrist firmly.
Ragatha gasped and gulped, stuffing spilling out like blood. But she listened, and her hand fell down onto her lap limply. She locked eyes with Pomni. Her pupil was tiny and her expression was one of utter terror. She was shaking. Nobody had ever seen her like this before, she’d never let them. Pomni moved her hand and squeezed Ragatha’s in an attempt to ground her.
“It’s okay, you’re okay. Look at me, I’m here- I’m right here.” Pomni felt the pressure of tears build behind her glassy cartoon eyes. She had to try to stay strong for the other.
“Hhhnnh…” Was all Ragatha could manage with her throat ripped open. She had intended to say Pomni’s name.
Stupid… So stupid… I made her worry about me…
“Don’t- Don’t try to speak. It’s okay.” Pomni kept trying to reassure her, her smile wavering a bit. “Just focus on me. Can- Can you squeeze my hand?” She asked softly.
Gangle trembled in the doorway, glancing back every few seconds to see if anyone was coming.
Ragatha nodded ever so slightly and squeezed Pomni’s rubber hand with her own soft cloth one. Her eye slipped closed. Although Pomni didn’t really produce body heat, she felt warm. Ragatha let out a soft breath as she focused on that feeling. Her chest rose and fell more steadily now, although her breaths were shallow. The glitching along her leg eased in intensity.
She… really cares. Why does she care about me? Just throw me out.
“Good, you’re doing great.” The jester reassured the ragdoll, gently rubbing her thumb across the back of the other’s hand. “Keep breathing, and-and listen to my voice.” She really didn’t know what she was doing but she was trying things that had worked on her in the past.
The glitching persisted even as Ragatha began to calm down. Pomni tried her best to think of anything, anything at all. Then she had it.
“Hey Ragatha?” An eye slid open to acknowledge her. “Remeber that adventure from last week? The one with the giant bugs in the maze?” A very small nod. “I know we didn’t get much of a chance to talk about it, but you wouldn’t believe how funny it was to watch Kinger try to make friends with those huge bugs.” Pomni gave a little laugh, trying her best to ground Ragatha. Focus on a story, not the current situation. The ragdoll seemed to brighten up a bit, a small smile tugging at the thin line of her mouth.
Pomni glanced at Gangle in the door and ushered her over with a hand. Gangle audibly gulped but stepped inside, kneeling on Ragatha’s injured side across from Pomni.
“Y-Yeah! He called them by their scientific names and everything!” Gangle added on, the tiniest smile pricking at her tragedy mask despite the tears that dripped from it.
They continued to recount their story of the maze. They had been in separate teams and the goal had been to meet in the middle after surviving the maze. Ragatha remembered that actually made it a labyrinth instead of a maze, but she didn’t care that much. She enjoyed listening to her friends.
They like talking to me… Maybe they don’t want me to disappear after all.
Slowly but surely the glitching dissipated entirely. Slowly Ragatha gained a smile. Slowly she remembered that she was a person. They were almost finished with their story by the time the ringmaster finally arrived. His jaws arced wide to show his surprise. Zooble showed up in the doorway moments later panting and heaving, their eyes wide. They were terrified they hadn’t been fast enough.
“Oh my! What happened here?? Let’s get that fixed!” Caine snapped his fingers, effortlessly returning Ragatha to her normal state.
The ragdoll gasped loudly as she finally felt her nonexistent lungs fill entirely with air. She raised her now uninjured arm and turned it over, inspecting it fully. It was fine. She was fine. She let out a lofty laugh as she gently placed her hand against her neck. Her other still held the jester’s. She took another deep breath and looked around, feeling very ashamed all of the sudden. Everyone was looking at her.
“I- I… I’m sorry.”
“It’s quite alright my dear! Just take better care of yourself from now on!” Caine closed his eyes and disappeared back to wherever he had come from.
Ragatha looked away from the others, staring at the ground. It was silent for too long.
“Ragatha…?” Pomni spoke softly, she was being so gentle with her, as if she was made of glass.
“I’m… sorry for making you all worry about me…” She still didn’t look up. “I didn’t think you all cared that much…” It felt wrong to say that, but she had believed it to be true.
“Ragatha, look at us please.” That was Zooble’s voice. They had walked closer and knelt down next to the others. The ragdoll swallowed thickly but did so, meeting the eyes looking at her. “We care so much about you. Even if we don’t always show it right. Don’t ever do s#$! like that again.” Their tone was harsh, but it was easy to tell they meant it with love.
“Y-Yeah, that was really scary. We… We want you to stay around!” Gangle’s voice was meek, but she gently placed a ribbon on Ragatha’s empty hand.
And then Pomni spoke.
“Ragatha… I’m sorry you didn’t think we cared. But we do, so so much. Kinger and Jax too, we all do! You are so much more than your actions. You don’t always need to help others, it’s- it’s really okay to ask for help.” Pomni took Ragatha’s hand in both of hers now. She had really thought she’d lost Ragatha before she’d even gotten a chance to truly know her. “We could never fill the hole if you were gone. So please, don’t leave us.” She smiled at the woman. A smile full of genuine emotion.
Ragatha felt tears spring to her eye again. She was such a crybaby. But maybe that was okay.
“You guys…” She sniffled and smiled. She probably looked like a mess, but she didn’t care. “Come here!” Ragatha lifted her arms and rather awkwardly managed to pull everyone into a tight hug. She was still so soft.
Pomni squeaked, Zooble laughed and Gangle giggled. Ragtha smiled.
It was okay. It would be okay. She was needed and loved for just being herself. And she would learn that it was okay to ask for help. That it is alright to tell others how you’re feeling. That you cannot always just try to suffer in silence.
People do care about you. Never forget that.