Chapter Text
"There was an Aes Sedai at the White Tower when I was a novice. She was everything I wanted to be. She was strong, controlled, precise. She… she was terrifying. And she took a liking to me. She said she wanted to help make me everything that she thought that I could be. And I was having- I was having trouble channeling. And she came to my room at night, alone… and she beat me with the One Power. Lashes of Air and Fire, and she wouldn't stop. Until the pain and the fear were so overwhelming that I grabbed the Power myself and I stopped her, without thinking, without even trying." (Moiraine Damodred, 1x08)
“It’s as if it isn’t even there anymore, Siuan. You saw me today, didn’t you? At Anaiya Sedai’s lesson.”
A travesty, that’s what it had been. She’d been asked for a simple weave of Water and hadn’t been able to produce even that. She had tried to seize saidar and the Power had slipped from her grasp. Again.
“I’ve never felt so much shame in my entire life.” Moiraine growled in frustration. There were girls who had come to the Tower more recently than she had who would have managed what she could not, and mere moments after leaving the Mistress of Novices’ study, no less. Her only stroke of luck was that it had been Anaiya Sedai’s class; others would not have been so lenient. Yet the look of disappointment on the ageless face of the Blue had stung far worse than a harsher rebuke.
In any case, if she didn’t manage to regain control over her ability to channel, punishments would be the least of her worries.
“What if they send me away?” The thought terrified her. “They could send me back to Cairhien. My uncle won’t be pleased.”
“They won’t send you anywhere,” Siuan cut in. “Fish guts, Moiraine! They know how powerful you’ll become; they won’t just let you go.”
“And what use is to the Tower an Aes Sedai who cannot channel?”
“See?” Siuan smiled. “Even you believe you’ll become Aes Sedai. How could you, if you couldn’t channel?”
The Tairen rose from the bed where she’d been listening to Moiraine’s outburst and came closer, taking her left hand in both of hers. With her thumb, she traced the spot where one day both of them would wear the Great Serpent ring.
“It’s only a passing block,” she reassured her. “Before long you’ll be every teacher’s favorite again.”
“You really think so?”
If until then Moiraine had managed to hold them back, the tears welled at Siuan’s words.
“As sure as a fish knows its current,” she promised.
And in that moment Moiraine forgot the humiliation, pushing the thought of saidar and its absence to tomorrow. Now she wanted only to press Siuan’s smile against her lips.
***
Seven days later, saidar was the only thing Moiraine could think about. No matter how many times she pictured a flower bud opening to the sun, it remained obstinately closed, and with it the access to the True Source.
“We have to trace it back to the cause,” said Siuan. Sitting at a table in the novices’ dining hall, she and Alanna were trying to make sense of the situation. Moiraine, touched by her friends’ intentions but convinced by now that there could be only one outcome, simply listened.
“When was the last time you channeled?” Alanna asked.
“It was during Kerene Sedai’s lesson,” Siuan answered for her. “I remember it well—you wove Air and struck the target dead center.”
“I remember too!” Alanna chimed in, pausing mid-bite of her honeyed bread. “The look on Leane’s face when you nearly brushed her… priceless.”
“You shouldn’t mock her; she was really frightened,” Siuan scolded.
“She just didn’t move fast enough. Kerene warned us. But you’re right.” Alanna paused. “It would have been better if it had hit—”
“—Liandrin,” Siuan finished with her and both burst into laughter.
Moiraine, however, was in no mood to laugh. Lately, the only cramps in her belly came from anxiety. “This isn’t funny,” she cut in. “I could have torn her ear off.”
Beneath the table, Siuan squeezed her hand. “Nothing serious happened, Moiraine. Even Leane has forgotten it.”
“To be fair, she didn’t speak to her for days.” And even now the Domani was sitting a few tables away with Ryma instead of with them. Siuan’s glare silenced the future Green, who returned to her meal.
All of a sudden, Moiraine realized, the whole hall had fallen quiet.
The reason for the silence struck her from behind. First, she noticed Alanna’s wide eyes, fixed on a point above her head before snapping back to her plate. Then Siuan’s stiffened back, who, like her, had sensed the change in the room but had been quicker to turn and find the cause. Finally, the shadow that loomed over her.
“Good morning, novices.”
There was a special kind of chill only Elaida do Avriny a’Rohian’s voice could bring. Moiraine felt it prickle along her skin.
“Good morning, Elaida Sedai,” she replied, quickly echoed by her two friends. Even a few girls at other tables chimed in, but the Red’s attention was all for the three before her. In fact, Moiraine suspected that—
“They say you’re having trouble channeling.”
She was grateful the woman couldn’t see her face, for her cheeks burned red. “Yes, Elaida Sedai.”
Turning now would mean meeting the Red’s frowning, judgmental gaze, but feeling her presence without seeing her was no less unnerving.
“Are you ill?”
“No. I—”
“Then it is all the more important to find the cause.”
“That’s what we were try—”
“Report to the Mistress of Novices tonight after the last bell, Sanche. I believe it will do you good.”
Siuan opened her mouth, and Moiraine wished she could stop her. But short of stepping on her foot—hardly discreet—there was no way to silence her without the Red noticing. Luckily, the Tairen seemed to reconsider whatever unwise remark she had been about to make and settled for, “As you say, Aes Sedai.”
“Find the cause, Moiraine,” Elaida pressed. “It would be a pity to see you fail. Especially so close to the Accepted test.”
“I will, Aes Sedai.”
Then Elaida swept away, red skirts trailing like a banner of invincibility. When the last click of her heels had faded, the hall filled again with chatter. Novices and Accepted alike whispered about those who had managed to draw down into the novices’ quarters a full-raised sister—and one of the most powerful and feared, no less.
“She’s terrifying. Absolutely terrifying,” Alanna muttered, still staring at the spot Elaida had towered over. “I don’t know how you stayed so calm, Moiraine.”
“What?”
“‘It will do you good, it will do you good…’” Beside them, Siuan was cursing under her breath. “Maybe what would do her good is a visit to a Whitecloak camp.”
“Siuan!”
“Don’t look at me like that. The way she spoke to you, Moiraine. As if it’s up to her to decide—”
“Well, someone will have to decide,” Moiraine cut her off, rising. “We better go now.” She waited for the others to follow, and together they headed to the next lesson.
Noticing the stares of their companions and recalling Elaida’s looming presence, Moiraine realized how wrong Alanna had been: she didn’t feel calm at all.
***
Outside Sheriam Sedai’s study, Moiraine hesitated. Siuan had assured her she’d be fine, and the Cairhienin didn’t doubt it, but as the one responsible for the whole situation, she couldn’t help but feel she should be on the other side of the door as well, ready to share the same punishment as her… friend?
There was a certain expression whispered through the Tower’s halls—Alanna had been the one to tell her: “pillow-friends.” Perhaps she and Siuan were that. Yet Moiraine found the term far too small for what Siuan’s legs entwined with hers made her feel. Not to mention the rest.
In any case, it was with her that she should have been right now.
“If you come in with me, you won’t be able to tend to me afterward.”
“So you’re saying you’ll need me for what? Playing nurse?”
“I’m saying I’ll need you, my pufferfish.”
Once again, the Tairen had her way, and with those words echoing in her head, Moiraine abandoned the idea of knocking and returned to her room. With the Feast of Lights approaching, there would be little warmth within those stone walls. Inside, she patiently arranged logs in the fireplace and struck sparks onto small twigs to kindle a flame.
That all novices were forced to warm their rooms the same way was no comfort. It was a shared secret that as soon as one learned the right weave of Fire, one used it without hesitation. Having to rely on manual work was only another humiliation.
Three knocks on the door broke her from yet another failed attempt to reach saidar. If Siuan was already back, it must mean Sheriam had understood: she hadn’t meant to interrupt Elaida, she had only been trying to explain…
But it wasn’t Siuan.
Elaida stepped inside the room as though she had been born with the right to do so. The space shrank, suffocated by the Red’s shawl. Moiraine felt the urge to bow under its weight.
“Good evening, Aes Sedai.” Moiraine shut the door behind her as Elaida’s impassive eyes scanned the sparse furniture allotted to novices. She would find nothing out of place. Then, with a sharp flick, her gaze landed on the bed. Nothing unusual—except the two folded nightgowns laid neatly on the sheets.
“Can I be of service, Elaida Sedai?” Moiraine asked. A derisive snort was her first answer. “In your state, child, I hardly see how you could be.”
Shame stole her breath. “I’m trying—”
“Not hard enough.” Elaida sat on the edge of the bed. “Luckily for you,” she said, fingers idly stroking the fabric of the nearest nightgown, “I haven’t lost all hope in you yet. Come.”
At the command, Moiraine’s feet moved at once, breaking the paralysis that had pinned her by the door. She stopped in front of the Aes Sedai and, though it was she who looked down upon Elaida, she felt herself diminish under her presence. Silence stretched, heavy with tension.
Then something broke it.
Moiraine touched her shoulder, feeling again the cry she hadn’t managed to stifle when something had struck her there. Not struck—lashed. With the One Power.
She understood, and when the second weave hit, she didn’t let a sound escape.
At first it was flows of Air: simple, precise, cutting. They sliced at her arms, at her legs; over and over again, sharper where the flesh was softer. She felt her skin tear, but when her vision cleared through the watery blur, she saw no blood on her white dress.
Elaida aimed at the backs of her knees, and though her legs gave way, Moiraine was proud not to let out even a whimper. At least, not until the first weave of Fire. That was when the mask she’d managed to hold began to crack. Flames of Power wrapped her belly, licked her cheeks, left burns upon which came further lashes of Air. When sores opened on the soles of her feet, the last of her strength fled.
She crumpled to the floor, forgetting why she wasn’t supposed to cry.
She barely registered Elaida towering over her. Perhaps the Aes Sedai could help her.
“Please.”
The lashes only grew, as did the pain. Moiraine’s sobs broke free then, uncontrolled.
“I’ll do better,” she babbled. “I promise.”
He couldn’t still be angry. He couldn’t.
Curled up, with invisible shards scratching her skin and no defense against the fiery tongues lapping at her limbs, Moiraine found within herself something other than fear and shame. It burst open like a lightning strike, sweeping all else aside. Rage filled her, and with it, saidar surged back.
Moiraine seized the True Source, drank in its sweet taste, let it flood her, then turned it upon the one who had dared to reduce her to a trembling heap on the floor.
There was a thud, and another, then at last the blows ceased.
Moiraine remained on the ground. The One Power still within her reach was enough to draw a sigh of relief. The pain was etched into her nerves and bones, but the tears now streaming down her cheeks were tears of joy.
Then someone was lifting her, and she forced herself to help, to bear weight on her battered feet and shaking legs. She couldn’t hold back her moans and clutched at her rescuer’s shoulders.
Elaida.
Elaida was helping her onto a mattress that had never felt so soft. Holding her up with saidar, Elaida unfastened her sweat-soaked dress and guided her through the motions of removing it, tossing it aside atop another white heap.
Moiraine tried to protest, but her tongue was thick and her eyelids heavy in their losing battle to stay open. The clean, fresh nightgown Elaida dressed her in restored some shred of dignity.
“…sometimes it is necessary,” the Red was saying. “Sometimes we must cause pain.”
Moiraine couldn’t fully grasp the meaning of that lesson, but nodding seemed the best thanks she could give now that Elaida was tucking her beneath the blankets. The fabric seared against her abused skin and only exhaustion dulled the pain.
“I’ll come and Heal you before the morning bell,” the Aes Sedai announced.
Moiraine mumbled something in response, but Elaida was already gone.
Drifting in a restless half-sleep, Moiraine thought of Siuan. That night, they would find no comfort in each other’s arms.