Work Text:
23rd of October, 1989
Barty
I finally heard it. The sound of wind that I’ve been praying on. It’s funny, i used to be terrified of it. It’s harsh and you can’t do anything to stop it, the only thing is locking yourself out so it’s painful coldness won’t reach you. When i was a kid I alway wanted my whole family to gather together during cold so I knew they were safe. I don’t think they thought the same way. When I used to cry because mom was outside during rain, it disturbed my father’s peace. Got couple of blues because of my tears, but when you think you deserve things that come your way you are prepared for them. Plus maybe being alone is better anyway, because someone will always open the door and just like that, curtains will try to escape through closed windows, bookmarks will get lost in endless turns of pages and i would lose my warmth.
It was sunny day when I got the phone call. After that moment I did everything to numb myself. Every pill and bottle I could find in our torn apartment that lacked the smell of you. But today, as I breathe in the air for the last time, I wish to feel everything all over again. Even the fear that I tried to burry deep in childhood memories, but they always escape, don’t they? That’s the whole point, I guess.
I will kiss your necklace again, I will dry my tears out on your pictures and I will find you. I promised you Evan, that wherever you go-I follow. Sorry it took me so long, it’s just that your leaving didn’t seem real, not until now that we’re getting close. I missed you so much. Did you care to think about what would happened to me without you?! Well it’s not pretty, that’s for sure.
I taste the iron on my lips. I should be tasting your mouth instead. I don’t think I’m scared to pull the trigger. Always was the one for violence, it’s what they said. But they don’t know that when I was with you, everything was quiet and beautiful. Just like you, firefly.
I don’t have anything to hold onto, I guess that’s why I’m doing this. Anyone who cared got scratched away from my lifetime, but I just accepted it, because I’m helpless against the unfairness of the prophecy. Because I was too selfish to get better, to help them. I have a lot of regrets, lot to be ashamed of. They’re gone because of me and I know you would never forgive me for that. Or for what I’m about to do. It’s just that death took too long and i can’t hold on much more. It hurt Evan. Everything is so dark. I just want you to show me colors again.
The loud sound, almost like the thunderstorm, was what made me feel it. It’s us against the rest again. Do you feel it too?