Chapter Text
“It gives me immense satisfaction to be granted the trust and authority of the Fandom Consensus Board,” said Dr. Eggman, smiling fiendishly into the microphone for the Studiopolis press conference. “I do know that in the games and movies and comics and games and TV shows and breakfast cereals and other games that I am poised against you all adversarially… and what a delight it is to be the villain who makes your mundane little lives so much more lively!… but I am looking forward to doing so much ‘good’ in the Canon Compliance sector. Already, my Eye Spies have been hard at work, bringing attention to the canon violations that disrupt the harmony of our glorious society, and with only a few exceptions have corrected the discrepancies themselves, or summoned the heavier forces who can lend their assistance.”
The crowd of reporters and camera people muttered to themselves, but a hand shot up from the group and Eggman gestured for her to rise.
“Brenda from Empire City News,” said the lady, producing a notebook and pencil. “Residents have been suggest-”
“I’m sorry, Brenda, I don’t recognize you. Are you sure that you’re canon?”
A spotlight shown from the ceiling. Brenda looked up and saw a Coconuts operating the spotlight with two Buzzers ready to swoop down.
“Yes,” she said, hesitating. “Yes, I’m from Sonic Unleashed, which is still canon.”
“Yes, yes, it is,” said Eggman, ruffling his mustache. “My apologies. Constant vigilance, you know! Never know when an OC will try to sneak into the mix. Anyway, your question?”
“Residents have been suggesting favoritism exists within your organization,” said Brenda. “That you delegate many responsibilities to your assistant Agent Stone who is not part of the canon?”
“Agent Stone just makes things run smoother in the margins,” said Doctor Eggman. “Remember, the point of Canon Compliance is not to say that people can’t have their favorite OCs or non-canon characters… no, no! That would be monstrous! To a certain degree, everyth-”
Eggman’s face contorted and he coughed violently.
“-thing is canon. Everyone knows this, and that’s true in spirit. In spirit! And Agent Stone is quite spirited, but believe me that he won’t be impacting the plot or taking up valuable screen time. No one will be forced to endure his presence when they could be looking at me! And it pains me to say that, because he truly is a popular character. Paramount’s been making some serious bank with those movies. And who knows, thanks to the DLC in Shadow Generations, perhaps we’ll be able to pull him into our reality somehow along with other popular movie characters like Agent Willoughby or Pistol Pete… yes, I can see it now… a massive ring gate, fueled by seven emeralds, drawing in so many glorious servants of-”
“Doctor Eggman?”
“Hmm? Oh, sorry, I was… lost in thought…”
Eggman appeared to drift off in thought yet again for a moment but he shook himself out of it.
“But yes, Agent Stone isn’t favoritism. It’s not like I’m giving a job to Snively, after all! No, he’s safely secured away in housing for Retired Characters.”
“Other reports suggest that your former associates Scratch and Grounder are-”
“They’re canon!” yelled Eggman, slamming his fist on his lectern, causing his bottle of eggnog to go flying. “Grounder is in Sonic 2! Scratch is in Sonic Spinball! Their screen names can clearly be seen on variant cover RI of issue number forty of the IDW Sonic comic series! If that’s not ironclad canon, I don’t know WHAT is, Miss Brenda!”
“How do you respond to reports that you abducted a Sega employee who allowed the name of Princess Sally to show up in the Sonic Origins release via the North American edition of the Sonic CD game manual in the game’s Museum mode, effectively acknowledging Sally in a mainline release more recently than even people like Silver the He-”
“This interview is over!” shouted Eggman, storming away from the podium. The other reporters began taking pictures feverishly. They’d be on deviantARt and Bluesky in a matter of minutes, but that was fine. All press was good press.
He pushed his way through the glitzy Studiopolis curtains, extending a hand and picking up the chilled water bottle that was already there, being offered by Agent Stone.
“I dunno why you tolerate those OCs out there,” said Stone. “They’re so… basic.”
“Brenda’s not an OC, she’s canon,” said Eggman. “I think. I don’t recall meeting her in that game…”
“Maybe she was bluffing?”
“No, I doubt it, I was pretty busy then, I couldn’t meet everyone,” said Eggman. “How go the enforcement patrols?”
“Fantastic, sir!” chirped Stone, pulling a tablet out of his suit’s vest. “All the lieutenants from the Egg Bosses to the Hardboiled Heavies and even the animated series’ regional commander robots are reporting successes in their territories across the board.”
“Don’t call it the animated series, call it SatAM.”
“That… wasn’t actually its name, sir.”
“I don’t care, that’s what the fandom calls it. That’s where the money is. Field bosses?”
“Metal Sonic is, frankly, overqualified for this based on how successful he’s being,” Stone said. “We’re also getting lots of arrests from all the others, ranging from Nac… I mean, Fang the Hunter to Pseudo Sonic… even Sleet and Dingo are pulling their weight for once.”
“And the base security leaders?”
“Silver Sonic and Mecha Sonic have secured the Death Egg inside and out respectively, E-100 units are keeping the Egg Carriers in ship shape, and Snively is keeping the Special Project under lock and key. You’ve basically got the whole world on lockdown, Doctor!”
“It’s been a long time coming,” he said. “Once we lock up all the OCs and stop the fraternization of the the retired characters with the canon ones, all elements of chaos will be eliminated. This perfect egg of a society will never crack! I think I’ve earned myself a victory lap at Twinkle Park.”
“You always love a good amusement park.”
“And that’s canon!” said Dr. Eggman, snapping his fingers. “Just like everything else is in our perfect, flawless world.”